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Moyo Mamora on Fulfilling Purpose: How To Find “True Love”

Moyo Mamora

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I was in Lagos at a youth open forum, and the question was asked, “how do you find true love?”. Given that valentines day just passed, this is probably a question that rests on the heart of many people. While I wont call myself a “love doctor”, I have some of my thoughts on what true love is all about. Before we talk about finding true love, it is imperative that we define what love really is.

Is love really that feeling that you feel, when you feel a way you’ve never felt before? Very possible, but I have met many people who have felt this special “feeling”. They couldn’t keep their hands off each other, and they were the sweetest of love birds that one could imagine. They had such great chemistry that it made people feel inadequate in their own expression of love to their significant other. However in a few months, they faced challenges that this “feeling” couldn’t help overcome. Then the former love birds became archenemies. They began to antagonize each other, and the things that they “loved” most about each other suddenly became irrelevant.

So is love really that feeling described? Our feelings are so subjective that we really need to ask ourselves if we are willing to place the judgment of a long term relationship on something so fickle. Feelings change all the time. As the name suggests, our feelings are dependent on what we feel (sensory perception) at the moment.

If we place our definition of love in the hands of feelings, then we are constantly looking for the other person to do things that make us feel loved. Then what happens when we stop feeling loved by the actions of our significant other, does that suggest to us that he or she does not love us any longer?

We have bought into a pop culture lie of what true love really is. We spend so much time watching television and reading magazines that sell a one sided image of love that only appeals to the feelings. Then when the relationship faces challenges, the common option becomes the easy thing to do, which is to walk out. Hey…there are bigger fishes in the ocean right? But this is wrong!

What then is true love? Having been in relationships myself, I have learned over time that love is simply a commitment we make, and most times it is a sacrificial one. Sacrificial commitment here excludes physical, mental or emotionally abusive relationship. Nothing justifies spousal abuse in my opinion. Ladies, you are so precious and powerful, that any guy who has the privilege of dating you must treat you like a queen.

Finding true love starts with finding the right person. Talking to the ladies specifically, I wrote on my blog on five things to help you identify a real man. Guys can also read this so they know what to work on. Some people believed the post was idealistic, but I don’t think so. It was written more from the perspective of potential and willingness to grow into what I define as a real man.

At this point, one may wrongfully surmise that I believe our feelings have no role to play in love. But I argue that while our feelings have a role to play, they are not to be given priority in finding true love. I do agree that when you meet someone there must be some chemistry. As guys, without mincing my words, you must like what you see. But most importantly, you must honestly ask yourself the question of if they possess fundamental qualities that are necessary for a healthy relationship.

When you meet someone, you’re not hung up on him being tall, handsome, lives in a highbrow neighborhood etc. Rather, look out to see if he respects you. Does he respect the people in your life? Does he have a vision for the future? Is he responsible and caring? Does he work hard to bring to reality this vision?

The reason why I do not place much value on the physical (don’t get me wrong, I won’t ignore it totally) is because physical attributes change over time. I’ve seen ladies who were less than appealing to the eye 10 years ago transformed to have the hottest looks. In like manner, I’ve seen ladies who were the most beautiful in a season become anything short of an eye candy. The point is that your little “frog”, if with the right fundamental qualities, may turn out to be your prince charming, it might require more than one kiss though.

When you’ve found this person with the qualities needed to develop a healthy relationship. He or she has strengths that compliment your weaknesses. You have good chemistry with each other. What next? You both don’t know for sure what the future holds for you. Could this be your true love? Yes! How do I know? Because true love begins at the point we make a commitment to stick it through with the one we have professed love for.

I met a couple who had been married for almost a decade, and the wife told me that she didn’t have much feelings for her husband when they started dating. He certainly didn’t meet the criteria for looks that she had, but she thought him to be a decent, respectable and responsible guy. She told me that her plan was to give the relationship a try, but the guy said he wasn’t “trying”, that once he gets into it, he is in it for good! Almost 10 years later, she says she can’t imagine life without him, he is her best friend, and her true love.

Your chemistry may not be the best, but you can consciously work on it until you both develop a flow that works. You may not have the emotional high you imagined, but you can both learn what makes the other person tick, and commit yourself to making each other feel loved. You learn each others vision, hopes and aspirations, and you commit to aiding their success and development towards the goals.

True love is not really something you find, but it is what you grow into as a couple. It’s a commitment to remain faithful in love to each other. Regardless of the hiccups that meet you along the way, your resolve to overcome it as a team. With each problem you overcome, your bond gets stronger. As you do this you build your friendship.  Be sure to communicate in each others love language, devoting yourself to making each other feel loved always.

Now do you think you’ve found your true love?

Photo Credit: www.keen.com

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Moyo Mamora HeadshotMoyo Mamora is a visionary leader and an insightful teacher of Biblical life principles. He is the author of Young & Purposeful: Discovering and fulfilling purpose early in life, and Power Points for Success. He has a personal goal to empower people to live a victorious life! Learn what your purpose is in life and be equipped with what you need to fulfill purpose by visiting www.moyomamora.com and you can connect on twitter @MoyoMamora, and facebook: moyomamoralive

Moyo Mamora has a personal goal to empower people to lead victorious lives! He is the author of Young & Purposeful: Discovering and fulfilling purpose early in life, and Power Points for Success. He runs a personal blog at moyomamora.com.You can connect on instagram @MoyoMamora, and facebook: @MoyoMamoraLive

82 Comments

  1. madman

    March 8, 2013 at 11:49 am

    Sorry to say, no such thing as love. Just respect yourself and your spouse. Goodluck.

    • Fe

      March 8, 2013 at 12:31 pm

      Hmmmm, unless u are married, life may soon prove you wrong! Wow, of course there’s such thing as love. I am a witness…lol

    • There is so much emptiness in that statement that I cannot even begin to describe how wrong you are.
      So if there is no such thing as love, then maybe John 3:16 should read “For God so HATED the world that he gave his only HATED son ….? Or maybe Jesus was so bored in heaven he decided the next thing to do was come to world to suffer ….
      My point..? You could not be farther from the truth…

      dprodigaldaughter.com

    • ghgal

      May 15, 2013 at 5:37 pm

      i have been following you for sometime and i liked your take on BN’s topic “so are we dating”….you seem to have it all together….but i gotta say I’m mighty disappointed in this your comment….chai! just when you start liking someone, they go and do this…hmm…we all have faults i guess

  2. Ololade

    March 8, 2013 at 12:10 pm

    I agree with u on a lot of points Moyo but to cap it up u cant love truly, deeply and sacrificially without God….God is love and he gives us the grace to love….U want to love without God,It is only in God that love is perfect..

    • Abana

      March 8, 2013 at 1:09 pm

      What about all the Atheists that don’t believe in God, what they have isn’t true love? How about people from other religions that don’t believe in God? People worship different things. Many of these people experience true love and some have been married for decades. So how do we explain the love they feel for each other?

    • Hello there,
      In answering your question, I refer to the 4 Greek words for love …(1) Storge,-affection (2) Philia, -friendship (3) Eros, – romance (4) Agape – unconditional love.
      So you see, it is absolutely for all the categories of people you named above to love. Heck, it is possible for ANYONE to love. But the one genuine and unconditional love is the love of God which is Agape love.
      So for any man to truly have and experience true love, it has to be a love born out of God and an understanding of who God is. Agape love is a combination of everything. So

    • Hello there,
      In answering your question, I refer to the 4 Greek words for love …(1) Storge,-affection (2) Philia, -friendship (3) Eros, – romance (4) Agape – unconditional love.
      So you see, it is absolutely for all the categories of people you named above to love. Heck, it is possible for ANYONE to love. But the one genuine and unconditional love is the love of God which is Agape love.
      So for any man to truly have and experience true love, it has to be a love born out of God and an understanding of who God is. Agape love is a combination of everything. So I guess in a way, we could say that true love is agape love.

      dprodigaldaughter.com

    • igbo canadian

      March 8, 2013 at 2:41 pm

      Amen and hallelujah sista!

    • Moyo Mamora

      Moyo Mamora

      March 9, 2013 at 4:00 pm

      Agreed! The full expression of love starts with God. However this article attempts to extract fundamentally the principles of love as outlined in the Bible. Jesus’ sacrifice was a choice, and not because He “felt” like it. In the same vein, God was committed to the redemption of man. John 3:16 clearly expresses that.

      Nonetheless, people who are not of the Christian faith can still draw on the fundamentals of this love.

    • ghgal

      May 15, 2013 at 5:06 pm

      A light bulb just clicked on above my head when i read your comment….truly God is the one who can give ‘the Grace’ to Love. We always pray for the grace to deal with so many insurmountable problems and i don’t know how the heck i never realized i need ‘The Grace’ to love (which is paramount to the survival of the most draining relationship of all relationships,marriage)…cos Love is all about sacrifices and forgiveness (a lot of both) and only God can give us the grace (to love) to survive it all……*sigh*

  3. FlyHijabi

    March 8, 2013 at 12:19 pm

    I believe a person only can find true love and understand it after (s)he has learned to love himself/herself. Also,if you’re a religious person,the love of another shouldn’t take the place of the love of God in your heart because you may do things that are against those religious standards you adhered to and in the end loving that person won’t feel so good anymore. Many times I see girls who decide not to engage in pre-marital sex because of their love for God and themselves,yet they ‘fall in love’ and give it away. I have learned never to get carried away or let my feelings rule me. My true love is the man that reminds me of the values I held high when he met me and calls me to order when I’m letting go,he’s the man that didn’t waste time with empty promises of love but showed the love by proposing marriage and meeting my parents. We’re married,learning more about each other,each respecting the other’s values and growing in love.

    • Moyo Mamora

      Moyo Mamora

      March 9, 2013 at 4:09 pm

      @FlyHijabi…your testimony captures the essence of this article. Thanks for sharing!

  4. pynk

    March 8, 2013 at 12:29 pm

    true words jare.

  5. SUE

    March 8, 2013 at 12:34 pm

    Everybody knows how to fall in love, but only few ppl know how to stay in love……Fact!!

    • B

      March 10, 2013 at 11:27 pm

      True

  6. ebony

    March 8, 2013 at 1:08 pm

    nice read, i totally enjoyed it..

  7. girlie

    March 8, 2013 at 1:10 pm

    very NICE, TRUE and MATURED article!!! i love it! People need to step out of that false “blues”-phase they think they are in, in a relationship and open their eyes to the REALITIES of what it really takes to be with someone for good and learning to accept that! Gbam! Too much movies-in-their-heads-ruining them. lol. smh

  8. anonymous

    March 8, 2013 at 1:16 pm

    nice read!! FlyHijabi’s comment brought tears to my eyes.

    “My true love is the man that reminds me of the values I held high when he met me and calls me to order when I’m letting go,he’s the man that didn’t waste time with empty promises of love but showed the love by proposing marriage and meeting my parents”

    • Jamce

      March 21, 2013 at 7:28 am

      So, in essence, your idea of true love is a man that proposes marriage to you and goes ahead to meet your parents? Your love is there defined by “marriage”. This to my mind is on the shallow side. For the sake of a deeper look, do you also realize that such a scenario of immediate marriage proposal could be driven by mere infatuation or other unsustainable ephemeral factors?

  9. jerry aji

    March 8, 2013 at 1:25 pm

    true love is from the inside,only understood by those who puts it in to practice,love grows gradualy through feelings and little jealousy.fact

  10. Ade

    March 8, 2013 at 1:51 pm

    Am at the point where am trying to decide what love means to me. Am with an amazing man but those feelings butterflies are not there. Plus he doesn’t live here and we don’t see too often. I don’t want to trade nonsense for this great person but sometimes I find myself asking if there might be someone else. A great man as well dt I l will be much more fond of and content with. I dont wanna ever cheat on anyone cos it’s not a great feeling. I just wanna be happy. Content

    • Careful

      March 8, 2013 at 3:21 pm

      I believe strongly that you have to be in love to get married. Now, you can start the relationship and build on the love but before you make it official, you do want to be able to say you’re in love with that person. the idea that the love will come after marriage is not true for everyone and some have some strong regrets when they realize they still feel the same way they felt before the marriage. Perhaps some time away from this guy (maybe a week) and allow yourself to evaluate your feelings once again.

    • Nwamarama

      March 8, 2013 at 8:12 pm

      Ade! You are so me!!! After ending a 7 year relationship…rather unceremoniously, This ridiculously perfect man walks into my life. sometimes i think he”s too good to be true. He has all the qualities I want in a man and I am sure of a secure and loving future with him.I am physically attracted to him but the truth is,there are no sparks…no butterflies (i see you rolling your eyes,but please,hear me out).If we talk numbers, i love him 20% and he loves me 80%.While others may think its a good thing,I am genuinely worried. Is this electrifying love supposed to grow over time? Sometimes i catch myself wondering,just what if there is someone else out there?I’m not crazy,am I? All I do now is pray that God causes my love for this wonderful son of his to increase…cos the way i feel sometimes ehn,I just want to call off the whole engagement…God help me. What if it stays like this forever? *deep sigh*

    • Princess

      March 8, 2013 at 9:33 pm

      I really think you should stick to the relationship, i was in a similar situation myself i was so worried that d love was like 80% – 20%. in my head i had this theory that on my wedding day i wanted to run down(in my head) the aisle to the groom waiting at the Altar. Although he didn’t have the educational/physical attributes i wanted, he worshiped the ground i walked on. i broke up with him relocated, he cried, begged, fell sick but i remained adamant. 6 six months later…….. i realized manna doesn’t fall from heaven anymore, finding a good man is like ……… no adjective to describe. i go to bed some days crying and regretting my actions. even when i met my idea man with all the attributes, i realized i loved my local man who wold have given his arm just to see me happy. So my dear stick to what you have you love him but you haven’t realized it yet, he has set a standard for the love you need that most men out there can’t fulfill

    • zsa zsa

      March 13, 2013 at 5:42 am

      Hello ladies, this is a response to sandy and may apply to you as well.
      Its great that you love this guy but you’re the only one who knows how you feel when you are with him. I always ask people who are in doubt of their feeling if they have “moments”…i mean moments when you are together and it feels like nothing else matters. I’m not too sure about butterflies but what about peace? a certain calm you feel when you are together, are you able to communicate with just eye contact she you are in the midst of others? do you have a special song?…”moments”. Before we got married my hubby and i would sit outside in lagos in the evening and just look at the stars and listen to music, nothing else mattered. we would talk about our hopes and dreams…things were tough at the time but it was our “moment”. Years later we still do the same thing, we turn off the TV, put on some music and just hold hands and talk about the tough times, our hope and dreams(again) lol.
      Please think deep… i think it is the moments that keeps a couple going even in hard times. If you are not sure about his feelings for you then you should have a long hard talk with dude…this is your life and no one else’s. Take care

    • Sunshyne

      April 11, 2013 at 9:01 pm

      First of Moyo Mamora, I’d like to commend you for such an excellent article. I think your points are so valid! And I couldn’t agree with you more. A lot of people on here have also made some very resonating comments.

      @ Nwamarama and Ade and anyone else out there who is struggling with feelings of doubt et al. Please find these books and I hope that they help you resolve your feelings either way as much as they helped me. “The yes anxiety” and “Marry a friend” both by Blaine Smith, and also “Fit to be tied” by Bill and Lynne Hybels. I have come to learn that loving someone is a choice and is all about commitment. Of course for you to determine to spend the rest of your life with someone, other important factors have to be present. I used to depend so much on feelings but those are soooooo fickle and are so unreliable. There is no such thing as perfect, but one has to come to a place where you decide what “trade offs” you’re willing to make, since there is no such thing as perfect. And by tradeoffs I don’t mean settling, by this I mean e.g if you’ve always wanted a tall guy or girl and also always wanted someone who passionately loves God, is responsible, comes from a good family, is your friend, you’re attracted to, you can easily communicate with et al. Now if the person you finally meet does fulfill all of this criteria except the fact that he/she is not tall, question then is are you willing to pass up all the other good qualities because this person is not tall? That’s what I mean by making a tradeoff. I also think that a lot of the what ifs people have about marriage are mostly based on fear. Ultimately marriage is a step of faith, as long as there are no “red flags” and you believe this is the path God is calling you to, then step out in faith and trust God with the rest. I heard a saying once “Courage is not the absense of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear”. God’s best to each and everyone of you out there as you make these decisions. Much Blessings!

    • Moyo Mamora

      Moyo Mamora

      March 9, 2013 at 4:12 pm

      Ade…I appreciate your sincerity. However, if you know he is an amazing guy, and in your heart there are not red flags, what’s left is an eternal commitment. That’s the essence of finding true love. It’s choosing to grow and stick it through with someone.

  11. beautiful bee

    March 8, 2013 at 2:16 pm

    @madman ur name says it al u mus b mad to tnk love dosnt exist!

  12. oyin

    March 8, 2013 at 3:03 pm

    @ ade I think am with you on your comment, right now I have a wonderful man in my life that loves God with the whole of him and adores me, am not currently feeling all those uni days butterflies and I sometimes wonder if its right, with this article am convinced its not about butterflies.

  13. cindy

    March 8, 2013 at 3:06 pm

    Is so sad most times,d person will love don”t luv us as much n so play with our feelings……..

    • strawberry candy

      May 2, 2013 at 12:09 pm

      thats xo true.thats the irony of life.

  14. And here I am falling in love with the writer (Moyo Mamora …) Oh well… lol

    dprodigaldaughter.com

    • Anon

      March 8, 2013 at 3:44 pm

      God will forgive you!!! Hahaha

    • Careful

      March 8, 2013 at 4:45 pm

      I’m with you jare. He’s real cute lol

    • Anonymous

      March 8, 2013 at 7:22 pm

      lol. gud for you @dprodigaldaughter.com

    • Moyo Mamora

      Moyo Mamora

      March 9, 2013 at 4:15 pm

      I love you too… 😉

  15. Priscy

    March 8, 2013 at 3:46 pm

    I’m at a point in my life where I don’t think true love exist…or if it does, I am yet to experience it. I pray God to direct the right man to me and to give me the Wisdom to know he is the ‘one’ when I meet him. Tired of breaking up and making up with the same guy.

    • Idak

      March 8, 2013 at 7:18 pm

      May this desire of yours be met and exceeded.

  16. Dilemma

    March 8, 2013 at 4:05 pm

    @ Ade,it seems U r living my reality. I’m with this guy who is so caring and thoughtful. but he doesn’t engender those knotted stomach feelings in me. now I know marriage is so much more than butterflies and blue skies,but I want to give my all to the person I marry,both the practical and the fairytale stuff. am I reaching too far to think that I can get all these things in one person? Just like U Ade,I want to be happy and content.

  17. Mee

    March 8, 2013 at 4:10 pm

    I actually married my husband too without being so much in love. And he wasn’t too rich either. Infact, it was after our marriage that his life goal began to look achievable. Why did I marry him? For 2 years we were just hanging out and gisting and I felt so comfortable wt him. He had emotions (love) attached but never so much mentioned it. And my friends wld ask “Why wld marry sb u don’t really love?” And I wld answer amidst him, other friends and suitors who is more likely to be true to me and life. Now, I can also say I love him so much bc I work 2wards loving him. And loving him has never beclouded my head in wtever way. To each his own shaa

  18. Traditionalbay

    March 8, 2013 at 5:01 pm

    It is people that fail, LOVE never fail. Keep moving, Keep loving!…thanks Moyo

  19. Hooray!

    March 8, 2013 at 7:19 pm

    Wow!! Nice Read!

  20. nnn

    March 8, 2013 at 7:28 pm

    Let me understand: Women should not be hung up on looks but men can be hung up on looks? You know, women are also entitled to “like what they see.”

    • FF

      March 8, 2013 at 8:32 pm

      Wo, I’m hugging you from my macbook here.

    • Moyo Mamora

      Moyo Mamora

      March 9, 2013 at 4:18 pm

      @nnn Did my article suggest that women shouldn’t like what they see?

      I say you should have chemistry, have feelings, and whatever you like, but these physical/emotional things are not the foundation as they change with time…the crux of true love is a selfless commitment to serve and be a blessing to another

  21. ...Deborah...

    March 8, 2013 at 8:42 pm

    “…true love begins at the point we make a commitment to stick it through with the one we have professed love for.” so what happens when u’ve professed love to the wrong one? do u continue with it and bullheadedly go into a marriage that may not be GOD’s will for u?

    & what role does the will of GOD play in this by the way? i find it difficult to conceive that with something so impactful as marriage, that GOD would not have a perfect plan in this regard. i wonder if we give HIM ample room at times to manifest this plan…or we tend to jump the gun like Sarah and end up with Ishmaels… hmmm.

    i also wonder if at times the people we deem ourselves compatible with (for whatever reasons) are not necessarily GOD’s desire for us. sometimes, we jump the gun based on our desire for love and make decisions (typically based on logic, which can be tricky when it comes to relationship with GOD and our faith walk: e.g. Ishmael was a product of logic on Sarah’s part, because she couldn’t hold out for GOD’s promise…which, though it took long, came. point? wait for it. faith over logic) without consulting or waiting for direction from GOD. and we end up in marriages where we try to justify being with someone who we know deep down inside, we don’t have that kind of love for. we just…settled. because we couldn’t hold out for GOD’s best. and then we claim that we can’t see ourselves with someone else. at that point, u really don’t have an option! lol BUT, what do i know? unmarried me.

    i just wonder if – just IF – we own up to the truth that we really don’t know more than whatever GOD reveals to us, and we only rely on HIS revelation, i wonder if we could have marriages that are in alignment with all that GOD intended for us. better a broken courtship than a broken or less-than-par marriage.

    lastly, i wonder if true love DOES exist. i’m considering the Bible. Jacob’s love for Rachel: true…yes, with butterflies and all, and he WAS willing to put in work. Abraham’s love for Sarah: true…stuck around ALL those years even though she didn’t have a child (must not haven’t be Nigerian…i kid!)

    long story not so short, is it possible that true love REALLY is out there and when people say it’s not, it’s because they got tired of waiting or picked the wrong one?

    word to wise. get to know GOD. get to know how HE speaks with u. get familiar with the leading of HIS SPIRIT. don’t make a move until HE gives u direction.

    trust in GOD is fail-proof. only a marriage designed by HIM can be fail-proof. only in such a marriage can vision be fully carried out and purpose be excellently fulfilled. anything less is not quite all HE had in mind. and anything less is limiting. GOD’s best is worth holding out for. #selah

    just my (food for) thoughts : )

    • Moyo Mamora

      Moyo Mamora

      March 9, 2013 at 4:24 pm

      @Deborah, God’s will is that we be happy amongst many other things.

      I don’t believe (because there’s no Scriptures to suggest) that God chooses whom we should love. Clearly, God allows men and women make their own choices, and we do have to deal with the consequences of our choices. In light of this, Scripture clearly makes us understand that as long as we are conformed to Him, and surrendered to Him, He will direct our paths and order our footsteps.

      I get the heart of the message you’re communicating, and it is very well taken. Thanks for your contribution 🙂

  22. Ade

    March 8, 2013 at 9:06 pm

    I love Tara and fela so much don’t know what is going on in their Mariah’s but I love their friendship. And that’s what I’m looking for but maybe with age ma need swill change not sure mehn

  23. dontmention

    March 8, 2013 at 9:51 pm

    Lovely article and while I agree with you on everything, it is important to add as @dprodigaldaughter mentioned to find someone who loves God first Bc if they r not burning with the love of God in their hearts,,they are never going to fully understand what it means to love one unconditionally with no holds barred……after springing from bad relationships, I found myself with the best man that I believe God ordained and set asied for me, he is not “in your face ” kinda handsome but like I examined de relationship today and tried to make a list of his pros and cons …….I went up to ten pros bf I cud even come up with one con…..he is dat good and I love dat he loves me and one of the things he told me was “I love you so much but I love God more ” and I am thinking wow……he gets it, he gets that its all about God first, dat us beeing together is Bc of God and he treats me just de way a child of God would treat another child of God……..they butterflies were always there at the beginning and they have reduced, they surface once in a while but what we share is beyond butterflies, we have defined our relationship by our own terms, he is de best friend I had always wanted, my brother, my partner and brother and most importantly, our relationship has its foundation in Christ
    Vikkyscreed.blogspot.com

  24. Old school

    March 9, 2013 at 5:57 am

    Love is 2nd Corinthians 13………..anything outside that is fake…

    • Moyo Mamora

      Moyo Mamora

      March 9, 2013 at 4:07 pm

      I sigh…you mean 1 Cor.13:4-8?

  25. Moyo Mamora

    Moyo Mamora

    March 9, 2013 at 4:25 pm

    Thank you all for your comments! Very much appreciated…

  26. hansel praise

    March 9, 2013 at 7:04 pm

    insightful and thought provoking

  27. Kaodi.

    March 9, 2013 at 7:51 pm

    Thanks for sharing this wonderful and eye-opening message.. I also want to say that I was in a relationship with a guy I didn’t love but he was good to me, infact he loved me so much and showed it in diff ways but I just didn’t have d ‘butterflies’ cos he wasn’t what I wanted. I stayed with him while praying and working on my feelings, he on the other hand wanted all the ‘efforts'( that was his word) he was giving to be reciprocated.. To cut it short i finally made a decision to love him but that was when he called it off. So my question is was he really the man for me , and I’m I to blame for this? Thank you.. Dr Kaodi..

    • Moyo Mamora

      Moyo Mamora

      March 10, 2013 at 3:33 pm

      To say if he was the man for you is not in my place. That’s a decision only you can make from the conviction of your heart. But most importantly is that you understand that you could have put in “efforts” to love in return also. Some people may argue that loving a person must be easy. That’s true to an extent, but the ease usually is because of emotional reasons (chemistry, attraction etc). Those chemical reactions in our bodies and mind tend to die down, so what happens then? I argue that true love starts with a selfless commitment, and corresponding action must follow. It’s choosing to be a source of blessing, joy and strength to the other person, for no other reason but your commitment.
      Don’t wallow in the rut of self pity. I’m sure someone good will come around, or if you’re still on talking terms with this person, approach a trusted, and well respected mentor to discuss what you now know and the possibility of getting back with him. They will help you a resolution.
      See this post on identifying a real man http://moyomamora.com/identifying-a-real-man/

  28. sandy

    March 10, 2013 at 12:12 am

    Ade et co, I guess we all are in the same boat. I am engaged to this guy. He is a very wonderful person, has a stable character and loves God. He is what I wanted in everyday. His family? awesome is an understatement. his mom adores me. now the big BUT, for some reason I keep feeling he doesn’t love me enough simply because He doesn’t make me have that butterfly kind of feeling. In fact I broke up the relationship. he cried, fell sick etc. he kept telling me he loves me with all that he is maybe not the way I want but that if I can be patient with him he will learn. The fact that I feel he doesn’t love me enough frustrates me and makes me nag him so much but hey, I cant help it. After much advice from everyone I took him back and I want to see how we can make things better. I forgot to say I LUV this guy so much, for so many reasons, his character, family, etc and no he doesn’t have so much money but I love him anyway. Advice pls ….

    • Moyo Mamora

      Moyo Mamora

      March 10, 2013 at 3:18 pm

      Sandy, is he committed to you, and are you to him? If so, the feeling of “butterflies” can be developed. But before then, you both have to resolve that you are heading in the same direction, and you will be a valuable resource to each one on the journey.
      Read Gary Chapman’s book, 5 Love Languages. Communicating in each others’ love language will get you feeling those butterflies. But the important first step is the commitment to each other.

    • sandy

      March 11, 2013 at 2:34 am

      Yes dear. We are engaged. We are far from each other though. You no the long distance thing, its driving me insane.I will look for those books.

    • chiquita

      April 8, 2013 at 2:11 am

      I am in the same boat as sandy. I am engaged to this guy and all, but those sparks and butterflies are missing, and I keep wandering…should i go on with this marriage or not, I am not even sure if I am in love with him. He is so loving and loves me even to a fault. He says he already prayed, and believes I am his wife, I love him and want the best for him too, but I am still confused inside.

    • Careful

      March 13, 2013 at 2:46 am

      Perhaps he loves you, but you don’t like/understand the way he loves you. Maybe he thinks love is buying you gifts and you think it’s staying on the phone with you for hours or vice versa. that’s the essence of the 5 languages of love book. It helps you determine what your love language(s) is/are and determine that of your partner. this way you can understand if they are showing you love in their language. Of course, the bible says can two work together except they be agreed. While you don’t have to speak the same language initially, each can learn and build on the other’s language and it may take time. for example, you could take the language of love quiz found here: http://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/. After you take the quiz, you may realize he’s being showing love to you by giving you words of affirmation. If you’re like me and you already know what a fabulous person you are but then you crave attention from your mate, you could then tell him nicely that you’d like more phone calls, more visits, more skype etc. the test of true love i think is that he’ll try to meet you somewhere in the middle at least. Of course, don’t tell him to stop the words of affirmation. nothing wrong with having some extra “love”. By the way, according to the book, the 5 languages of love are Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Physical Touch, Gifts, Quality Time

  29. Mama Mia

    March 10, 2013 at 12:49 am

    @ sandy listen to the track teach me by Music soul child btw, ‘ the moment you think love is overrated is the moment you are wrong’ One tree hill

    • sandy

      March 11, 2013 at 2:35 am

      Thanks hun. I will.

    • zsa zsa

      March 13, 2013 at 5:37 am

      Hello Sandy, i hope you get to read this.
      Its great that you love this guy but you’re the only one who knows how you feel when you are with him. I always ask people who are in doubt of their feeling if they have “moments”…i mean moments when you are together and it feels like nothing else matters. I’m not too sure about butterflies but what about peace? a certain calm you feel when you are together, are you able to communicate with just eye contact she you are in the midst of others? do you have a special song?…”moments”. Before we got married my hubby and i would sit outside in lagos in the evening and just look at the stars and listen to music, nothing else mattered. we would talk about our hopes and dreams…things were tough at the time but it was our “moment”. Years later we still do the same thing, we turn off the TV, put on some music and just hold hands and talk about the tough times, our hope and dreams(again) lol.
      Please think deep… i think it is the moments that keeps a couple going even in hard times. If you are not sure about his feelings for you then you should have a long hard talk with dude…this is your life and no one else’s. Take care

  30. sandy

    March 13, 2013 at 11:46 pm

    Thank you zsa zsa. Like I said it is a long distance relationship. Yes we have had moments when we are together and nothing else matters. As for peace I do not know. He is a very good guy with good character as a person, add relationship and he is totally lacking. do you understand what I mean? or maybe it just me. I am a die hard romantic girl, I like all the lovey dovey things. He doesn’t see love that way, in fact he said understanding is all we need. When am miles away we cant communicate with just eye contact oh, lol. I am seriously praying and I hope God answers me soon.

    • zsa zsa

      March 14, 2013 at 5:17 am

      Well dear, i understand because i was in a long distance relationship too with my hubby before we got married. I left Lagos for the US….we drifted apart, dated other people but the feelings were always there. I never had those “moments” or felt peace with anyone else the way i did with him.
      Have you tried imagining life without him?as in if he ends up with someone else will you be able take it? if yes then my dear take a bow and leave. That was the ultimate test for me, i simply couldn’t and still cant imagine my life without my hubby. When i was dating my ex i didn’t care if he spent hours on the phone with some chick…my mind was just not there.
      Sorry to keep this thread going…my heart just goes out to ladies who are trying to do the right thing but not sure how. I hope you are brave enough to make the right decision for yourself.

  31. sandy

    March 14, 2013 at 9:35 pm

    I have broken up with him severally but each time I do, he cries, he begs and he never accepts it, I love him so much too so I always end up accepting him back. he has never cheated on me, he has also never lied to me. His family is amazing, in fact i can say his mom loves me more than my birth mom and she is the one who inspires me to love her son. Sometimes I think of life without him and honestly I dont know how I feel about that. He is not expressive at all and that is driving m crazy. I am in the US. Whenever he calls me, he never expresses love to me, he never tells me he misses me and sometimes I tell myself he doesn’t. I have tried communicating this to him but he tells me he is a man and men dont operate that way. I am badly thinking of just walking away but I dont know If that will be a mistake on my part. Maybe my expectation are unrealistic.

    • magh

      March 19, 2013 at 2:11 am

      story of my life.. Been dating my age maTE since first year and I told him I loved him first! we are in our final year now and l’ve come to realize i dont love him and I think he doesn’t love me too coz he never says it ( I have spoken to him about this). I’m older now and I cant wait to e done with uni so we can part ways

  32. ChaCha

    March 19, 2013 at 6:08 pm

    How to find TRUE love?

    1.Love God first in doing so, you’ll be more open to love.

    2.Forget everything you know about love from the mainstream world i.e movies & books.

    3.Be realistic in your approach, there is no such thing as a perfect man because you are not perfect yourself.

    4.Stay true to yourself and listen to your heart, it beats for a reason lol

    That’s all for now 😉

    • Jamce

      March 21, 2013 at 8:11 am

      @ ChaCha, take a hug. I believe people are looking and defining love more from the world view of romance and romantic feelings. This is very deceptive, as these feelings change from time to time.

  33. Vvc

    March 19, 2013 at 9:18 pm

    I was in a relationship with someone i was fully convinced was the right one. I genuinely loved her and i believe i am still. Problem is we are both AS, at first we didn’t consider it much of a big deal, but then came stories of couples who were supposedly in love before marriage and after having a couple of sickle celled kids, d love fizzled. Whilst we thought our love was special, divine and could conquer whatever uproar this situation might bring, my parents, friends and colleagues were against that notion. “Do not tempt God” was everyone’s favorite quote to me. We had to part ways, but basically because we didnt want to bring kids to the world to suffer just because of selfish interests. However its been really hard finding someone who comes close to her. Now do i follow d convictions of my heart that she is the right one, or do i listen to the voice of reason and wait for another True Love to come by?

    • Ginger

      March 19, 2013 at 11:07 pm

      Have you considered prenatal diagnosis during pregnancy? Adoption? IVF? those are some of the choices available if you want to avoid bringing babies that have sickle cell into the world. A bit more expensive. certainly more ardous, but viable options.
      Kids are important, but having them with the person you care about makes it even more special. If you love her that much, both of you should research more about the options you have, and make your decisions based on faith and evidence. Who says if you leave her and marry an AA wife you will be guaranteed children?
      Life is all about choices. I will choose love if I were you 🙂

    • Ginger

      March 19, 2013 at 11:10 pm

      Have you considered prenatal diagnosis during pregnancy? Adoption? IVF? those are some of the choices available if you want to avoid bringing babies that have sickle cell into the world. A bit more expensive. certainly more ardous, but viable options.
      Kids are important, but having them with the person you care about makes it even more special. If you love her that much, both of you should research more about the options you have, and make your decisions based on faith and evidence. Who says if you leave her and marry an AA wife you will be guaranteed children?
      Life is all about choices. I will choose love if I were you 🙂

      Check this out..mak2chi.com/2011/09/of-epiphanies-and-sickle-cell.html

    • missy

      March 19, 2013 at 11:17 pm

      come find me. I am ur next best thing. lol

  34. oladele

    March 26, 2013 at 8:57 pm

    It is good to be in Love

  35. icy diva

    March 28, 2013 at 1:53 am

    Its simple and practical……..find that one person and STAY COMMITTED.that’s jst hw love is built.it is better to build than to fall in!

  36. Frau Reis

    March 29, 2013 at 1:11 am

    Nwamarama PLEASE don’t do it! !!!!! If you feel this strongly it’s a clear sign. Some people can ‘manage’, I could never be in an 80/20 relationship. Sister 50/50is out there ,life’s too short to settle for less. Good luck.

  37. Frau Reis

    March 29, 2013 at 1:14 am

    Thanks Ginger for throwing that out there .A little research saves a lot of heartache. To think people break up due to their genotype in this day and age is mind boggling.

  38. Sunshyne

    April 11, 2013 at 9:06 pm

    First of Moyo Mamora, I’d like to commend you for such an excellent article. I think your points are so valid! And I couldn’t agree with you more. A lot of people on here have also made some very resonating comments.

    @ Nwamarama and Ade and anyone else out there who is struggling with feelings of doubt et al. Please find these books and I hope that they help you resolve your feelings either way as much as they helped me. “The yes anxiety” and “Marry a friend” both by Blaine Smith, and also “Fit to be tied” by Bill and Lynne Hybels. I have come to learn that loving someone is a choice and is all about commitment. Of course for you to determine to spend the rest of your life with someone, other important factors have to be present. I used to depend so much on feelings but those are soooooo fickle and are so unreliable. There is no such thing as perfect, but one has to come to a place where you decide what “trade offs” you’re willing to make, since there is no such thing as perfect. And by tradeoffs I don’t mean settling, by this I mean e.g if you’ve always wanted a tall guy or girl and also always wanted someone who passionately loves God, is responsible, comes from a good family, is your friend, you’re attracted to, you can easily communicate with et al. Now if the person you finally meet does fulfill all of this criteria except the fact that he/she is not tall, question then is are you willing to pass up all the other good qualities because this person is not tall? That’s what I mean by making a tradeoff. I also think that a lot of the what ifs people have about marriage are mostly based on fear. Ultimately marriage is a step of faith, as long as there are no “red flags” and you believe this is the path God is calling you to, then step out in faith and trust God with the rest. I heard a saying once “Courage is not the absense of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear”. God’s best to each and everyone of you out there as you make these decisions. Much Blessings!

  39. Effoe

    April 23, 2013 at 8:08 pm

    I do appreciate your comments on the subject matter, and I highly agree. The initial interest you may have with someone handsome or beautiful can easily wear off if the level of commitment is not there,Hopefully a balance can be achieved so that both parties may enjoy a resonable level of satisfaction.

  40. Rachel

    January 28, 2016 at 6:25 pm

    Good article! Can you elaborate on this statement: “The point is that your little “frog”, if with the right fundamental qualities, may turn out to be your prince charming, it might require more than one kiss though.” Are you saying it will require “more work and not JUST a kiss” or are you saying it’s going to take a lot of kisses in order for you to see that person as prince charming? I’m sure you meant the former, but I wanted to clarify. 🙂

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