BN Hot Topic: To Marry a Divorcee?
Posted on Friday, August 5th, 2011 at 11:33 AMBy Glory Edozien
Today everyone bemoans the short life span of marriages in our society. Till death do us part has now been shortened to just a few years or maybe even months. Sometimes, despite the hard work of both parties, things come to a grinding halt and the inevitable happens…divorce. The stigma of divorce in our society weighs heavily on all those concerned, even more so when they choose to remarry.
When Nollywood actress Ini Edo got married a few years ago, she faced public accusations from her husband’s ex-wife’s family, which prompted her to issue various statements to the press including copies of the divorce decree from her fiance’s previous marriage. More recently, Mercy Johnson’s fiance’s alleged ex-wife issued a public statement to the Linda Ikeji Blog accusing Mercy of breaking up her marriage. What these rather public issues highlight, is the difficulty and sometimes embarrassing situations victims of broken marriages may face when they choose to move on with their lives, and more so for those whom they may choose to move on with.
A friend of mine, who is a divorcee with two kids, recently started dating someone new a few months ago. Although, they seem happy enough, the girl’s family is less than pleased with her choice for a boyfriend. Understandably, they would prefer if she dated someone with less ‘baggage’. There is also the issue of the reason behind the divorce. Was he abusive? Did he cheat? Was he a horrible husband? These are questions I am sure the girl must find herself asking, as she is unlikely to get a full perspective of the story from one side alone. Women are not left out of the equation, I have heard stories of families rallying against the marriage of their “eligible son” to “old cargo” aka a Divorced Woman (their words not mine!). There are also cases of young Nigerian men and women who got married for *cough* immigration reasons…and then got divorced after that.
Personally this is a tricky one. I know of a few couples who are happily remarried and moving on with their lives. No one plans to get married to a divorcee. But life has a way of getting in the way of our plans and we learn to make do. But what do you guys think? Are divorcees strictly off limits? Or do you think they actually make better partners? Would you date someone who had been divorced? Or are you currently dating/married to someone who was divorced? What are your thoughts?
Lets discuss!
Tags: BN Hot Topic
It’s hard enough finding a man who hasn’t had a previous marriage. Single men come with their own baggage as well. Many have their baby mama drama. Quite frankly, any man, single or divorced (no currently married men please) who loves me and whom I love right back I’ll take. Shikena. Life is too short to be unhappy.
Really its heartbreaking when role models are having failed marriages! Y are the marriages breaking in d first place? D foundation is faulty, people marry for money, feelings, beauty, shape, societal status and all, which are all wrong reasons. Build your relationship on God, Human fleshly love can’t make it in Marriage. If d foundation is not right , I’m afraid those Divorcee will end up Divorcing again. Look @ marriages in America. Its not wrong to marry a Divorcee but let it be on the right Foundation: God. Let’s do it Right, Generations depend on our choices.
Temilade you are 100percent right, your summary says it all
Temilade may God Bless u…u took the words out of my mouth…God first o…and plus marriage is not for everyone…it is not by force…i personally will not marry a divorcee just because i know that the parties found something in each other that made them marry and it was because they did not exercise patience, they lost their marriage…and i know that i know that if those two parties were given a chance to rekindle things, they will forget the reason they got a divorce in the first place…so the feelings will still be there and i do not want to be a part of that mess. it is well in Jesus name. AMEN
Marriage has always been about money, wealth, attraction, religion, etc. Our forefathers used to marry for the same reasons. I think people have unrealistic expectations of marriage today. People need to use their heads and forget about all this Hollywood and Nollywood fairy tales. It’s a partnership, it’s a struggle, nothing good comes easy.
BN : What is this with ‘awaiting moderation or so’ when one posts a comment. Thatz why so many people claim to be first, not that it matters or they should but anyway back to my comment……
Marriages not based on Christ are at risk of crashing at any time – Simple.
First marry for the right reason. Not because the clock is ticking, all your friends are getting married or whatever excuse people have these days.
Women should submit to their husbands, look after themselves and the family. Husbands should love their wives and show ‘Christ-like’ behavior to them and we won’t even be talking about divorce if people knew how sacred marriage is. Husband is the head of the family, wife is husband’s mate and helper.
People treat the issue of marriage lightly because they don’t know that it’s a sacred institution. Marriage is a covenant in itself where two people decide to stick to each other ”till death do them part”. You can’t wake up one morning and say that you are no longer interested in the marriage. Divorce is only permitted in cases of spousal infidelity and that is if the wronged spouse is not willing to tolerate it. Before making a decision to marry a divorcee, it is very important to establish the reason for the divorce in the first place.
@ Dolores, well said.
It depends on how u start. If the man is truly and legally divorced and his person suits me, then I’m all for it. Say for instance, He got divorced from his wife cos She’s the party type or their dreams and aspirations do not match. If I find him perfect, why would I let go on the basis of the fact that He’s divorced.
The only reason I would not marry a divorcee is if I find out that he was abusive to his ex spouse and he is irresponsible.
I would also not marry an about-to-divorce guy
Marriage is for better or for worse. I don’t support divorce except on grounds of deceit. For instance when a man/woman conceals his/her fertility status to his/her future partner assuming he is sterile or she is barren. Marriage is not by force o. Don’t rush in to rush out.
???? How is someone supposed to know he is sterile or she is barren if they are not already married?!! and how did you digress to this topic amyways?
Too true Dolores…. Quite frankly, I’m way past wondering if it’s the right thing to do because believe it or not, the single guys have more wahala…. However , like the writer rightly said, it’s hard to fully understand the reason for the divorce from one side only… Who is going to ask the girl why her marriage didn’t work?
My ex was a divorce with axon and although that wasn’t the reason we broke up, I can’t he wondering if all the stories he told me about his ex were even true.. After all, will I ever ask her?
I know I probably won’t want to go down that route again but never say never….. Love happens in the strangest places..
Marrying a divorcee is not the problem but knowing that marriage is between two people not two families or villages.
Yes, respect each others family and everyone generally but live daily by the word of GOD.
Branding someone a wife beater, husband snatcher, cheat, and other hocus pocus names deviates from the issue.
So knowing why someone separated from their partners doesn’t really help.
It takes two to tangle. Some couples just bring out the worse in each other.
Some just don’t learn from their mistakes because they don’t think they are capable of making one.
I have always said it is not about getting married but staying married
Oh….. the damage on children from broken homes…..
The most important thing in life is to be happy, if remarrying is what will bring that happiness, then so be it. I don’t support divorce thought and God doesn’t either but on d ground of infidelity.
I’m 34, female and single but I met this guy last year through a mutual friend, he was abroad at that time ( hes got a baby mama that i’m aware of, the baby is about five years now) but we exchanged phone numbers and email and got in touch consistently. He came back to Nigeria in March and we met officially, went on dates on few occasions but the last one was so traumatic for me (that was late April) he told me he wanted to marry me but his mother insists he marries his baby mama, this was on the same day we were to go meet my parents and his parents.
My point: If you’ll ever get involve with a divorcee, a man/woman who has a child out of wedlock etc, do your research very well , ask questions before you get committed to avoid heartbreaks. I’ve moved on but I was hurt.
I have found that it is easier said than done to “ask questions” because like someone mentioned in an earlier response, whom do you ask? The man/woman with the previous marriage? of course you would get their version of events, which I’m pretty sure would paint them as the saint and the other party the sinner. Would you ask their friends/family? My observation is that people do not like to rock the boat, and would most likely give you loosey goosey answers, or side with the party that’s their friend – i.e. your man/woman. So you essentially end up none-the-wiser.
In my opinion, folks should seek the face of God before taking any serious steps in relationships. A la Shakespeare, there is no art to find the mind’s construction in the face. Divorced or not, every human being is capable of being desparately deceitful, as well as absolutely abiding and pure, so the important thing is to be discerning. Observe their relationships – with family, with friends, with colleagues- subordinate, peer or superiors, and then listen to your gut. It is rarely wrong.
@delores you have said it all.
i think dat if you really love this guy and he is also into you why not.whether married, abt to divorce or divorced it doesnt really matter to me i will marry him if he wants to marry me
Sorry Ekua, married is out of the question…let the married men stay married
Amen!
Nice one G!! let me reiterate: let the married men stay married.
And when you marry the guy that was into you regardless of his marital status, another girl who really loves this guy and he is into her will marry him from you. Shikena! That sounds like a good plan.
ehn ehn!!!! whether married ke???? hmmm please God help my husband not to fall into the teeth of pple like this o….abeg
hmmmmmm.u dont care if somebody’s hubby wants 2 marry u,can b assured he ll want 2 mary anoda after,well dis is assumin u r a Nigerian christian
Why do we talk like the peeps that r divorced are happy it happened to them. Anything can lead to divorce, look at the babe dat was killed by her husband… if she left earlier and is still alive, are u saying she cant marry again cos she has made the mistake of marrying the wrong guy..
Yeah yeah.. we know we should respect our husbands and love our wives. But look deeply into the bible, God knew its difficult for a wife to respect her husband dats why it was a commandment and also for husbands to love his wife.
And note: Been a born again Christian doesn’t guarantee a happy home, its just the grace of God that sees us through. (there r sum unbelievers who have a happy home). ITS JUST THE GRACE OF GOD!!!!!
Well Said.
Ehe tha’ reminds me wo-o!!!this one Ini Edo, i thot she got recently married and put to birth which one be this one of a few years back marriage, did author mix facts
Well said Toyin! people are so critical and give themselves so much credit…. look how many are throwing Gods name all over the place but forget to realize that in life, tests are a guarantee. You never know how you will respond when tested..people lack humility, talk about spiritual arrogance…this life..no one enters a marriage seeking failure! and having a happy marriage is nothing but God’s grace…God is merciful…mistakes don’t warrant condemnation….anyone can marry or remarry anyone who has the right values and fears God ..so much for all the self righteousness, no disrespect to the fact that yes marriages should never end in divorce but life happens…. in the words of Aaliyah …if at first u don’t succeed dust urself up and try again i beg!
@Dolores I sincerely agree with your point.
I do not subscribe to marrying/planning to marry a guy who is still going through the troughs of a divorce: TOO MUCH DRAMA. I mean I am not saying there is a particular time frame to which a person must remain on their own after a divorce but I mean there should be time for the divorcee to reflect on what went wrong in the previous marriage so that he/she can avoid it if they eventually decide to get married again.
I know someone who is about to marry a divorcee with 2 kids. I mean he had been long divorced before she met him. The two children are in their late teens and he brought them up on his own (by this I mean they were in his custody and he was the sole carer. I believe there was little help from the wife). Now she is planning to marry the divorcee and is extremely happy. They are both peaceful and are enjoying their relationship. She did consider the fact that he was a divorcee before agreeing.
I agree with @Glow on the biblical perspective: true the bible allows divorce only on: Marital Unfaithfulness(Matthew 5: 32) or if you were married to an unbelieving partner (1st Corinthians 7:15)
However I choose not to believe that just cos someone is a divorcee they should remain single. Except it is their choice. So many circumstances surround this divorcee relationship issue.
If you can handle a man/lady with a child out of wedlock (Baby mama/Baby daddy drama) I assume the same should also follow for a divorcee.
I’ll write as a christian and would LOVE to view another religion’s prespective on divorce. Now in christianity, divorce is allowed ONLY on the basis of adultry, and the divorced person is NOT allowed to get married again, in other words, stay single after your divorce. The bible clearly does not support divorce with those conditions, I mean, which right thinking person ( say at the age of 27 ) being divorced would stay single for the rest of his/her life? It’s almost not possible. My understanding is that one should stay in a marriage regardless, hence the vows for better for worse,e.t.c …… I am IN NO WAY insinuating that staying in an abusive marriage is fun or fantastic, but I’ve come to realise most of the time, we are married for wrong reasons and the architects of our own problems. These days, people marry for fame, fortune/ Money (ofcourse), sex and otherwise, not for true love. Are we saying that true love ceases to exist in this generation? If we choose to keep divorcing each other on basis of impatience and otherwise, then we’re bound to have multiple marriages on this earth. If the first marriage had produced children, what becomes of them? Another mistake people make (especially the ladies) is they get hitched to a divorcee most times without getting to know the real reason that person was divorced in the first place. Back to the main point, The issue of divorce is mainly because of wrong marriages, many many people are married to the wrong partners and most of these errors can be corrected before marriage.we all want the fine things in life but not every girl can get hitched to a tall , dark or light skinned (depending on your preference) handsome, ambitious, successful, hunk of a guy, and vice versa, life ain’t no fairy tale. Also, not everyone can we have them all rich with the car gifts, jewelry, trips and all….if we’re true to ourselves and do some deep soul searching, we may want to take some time before sayng I do. it’s only a really foolish person that’ll know her husband – to be is a woman pouncer (and even BEATS her oftenwhile in the relationship) yet will still get into the marriage. Any habit(s) one can’t cope with in a relationship should not be allowed to grow beyond that relationship be it laziness, filthiness, odours, lack of trust, being abusive e.t.c Divorce is a serious issue and if possible should be avoided at all costs (except for special cases such as deceit,I.e when someone marries another without knowing the spouse is/was ever married…and other related matters) In conclusion I am 101% aware that people change after marriage, some for good, others for terrible! It’s good To study one another before getting married (pls don’t ever allow anyone , human or spirit rush you into marriage) take your time to study the person you intend to spend the rest of your life with, then Pray!, it will also help to get advice from older married people you trust. If you don’t believe in God, you must believ in something or someone, get advice. Divorce only comes after a marriage and can be avoided. I pray for all the single people that they make the right choice not to end up divorce, I then pray for the married that they stay married in peace and love, I also pray for the divorced and those with the intention of divorcing, that God will see them through as the decision has already been made.
on point.divorce is a sin before God except on the grounds of unfaithfulness.anyone who marrys a divorcee(dats is not on this ground) commits adultery. dat says the bible.
Let ye who hath not sin cast the first stone. I hope you know there are no varying degrees of hell fire. It is one hell fire for the divorcee that married again, the murder, the prostitute, and the one who judges others. Let divorcees be happy however way they can. The girl that got killed by her husband lost her life for nothing. And on top of that she may still not have made heaven. So what was the point of getting herself killed? So people like you will not start preaching holier than thou abi….
Having preached the good Word Truth Teller, and read all the comments from above, I’m wondering … for those of us that are single mothers through experiences like death… are we now the forgotten and unwanted? Anyway, may God help us all
this situation is different from what she talked about i think
Truth teller you really did tell it, even though a long read, I finished it as you totally made sense from different angles
I beg if it doesn’t work and the parties want to call it quits, its up to them. Other people getting involved and causing these parties a hard time to move on should sit their arses somewhere. If they want to date other people, its up to their new partners to evaluate the new lifestyle they are opting for. Na wetin sef pessin?
Things have changed over the years (I wasnt for the idea of “divorce”) but looking at what some people go through and why the chose to leave balances some points out.
So if the discussion is between A n B…C can see themselves out, e no concern them
@ Dolores ’nuff said!
@G we are together in this. Divorce is a NOOOOOO except if their was a deceit on any of the partner involve. That means there was no marriage in the first place cos marriage is based on truth from both parties.
My husband was married and divorced before me and i sometimes wonder what went wrong in his previous marriage because of how kind hearted he is…..
Obviously sometimes is the case of either you are with the wrong person or the wrong person is with you…..
@ G, Glow & truth teller..nice one! I can’t blame those who don’t want to walk down the aisle when they hear stories of divorce cases. Well, thank God for God, may he direct us in the right path.
well said truth teller.
Truth teller, thanks so much for this piece. You have really ministered to me personally and to millions of people out there, may God reward you greatly. To me, divorce is not the will of God, let try and make the world a better place.
@Truth Teller: Gbam! You said it all. Thx dear.
What is love? Many have a wrong definition for that word which is thrown about carelessly these days.
How can you love someone and not respect them, their families, their opinions, the list goes on…?
Because they got you a car, house, job etc doesn’t necessarily mean they love you.
Money is not how much you have now but how much you are capable of making.
When did money ever give anyone real happiness anyway.
Satisfaction with material things doesn’t give real peace of mind and security.
If you don’t fear GOD, you won’t fear man.
As you lay your bed so shall you lie on it.
If you rush in, you won’t need fire in the house to make you rush out because you are fire.
So many people profess to be born again but live like the world and their heart/minds have never been changed.
Again marriage is between two people, not with in-laws oh!!!!!
Keep ALL marital issues between the couple and let GOD who instituted marriage be your guide.
I say live and let live. Sometimes we are so consumed with what other people think of us and our lives it inhibits are freedom to grow and just be.
very good topic and comments from people, am married to a divorcee but i never knew until we got married, i felt bad and hurt i have forgiven him. We have been married for 7yrs now, i believe whatever happens in one’s life God knows it all
Divorce is not a good option at all; except there was physical abuse from a partner.
I got married and got a divorce a year in marriage with a two month old baby. If I’d known, I would’ve waited in that marriage to settle issues. My first hubby did not abuse me physically, he only heard about my past escapades and I was not apologetic. Before I knew it, we drifted apart and I was pregnant.
Four years after that divorce, I married a single father. I tell you his family HATE me but are civil about it. My new husband is a lot older and matured than my ex and loves my child. But deep down, I wish my child was growing with his father and I together.
Divorce is a wound and only God can heal it, not really a remarriage.
thanks for sharing…i hope others learn too
OMG tough one to each his own. God help us all. Parties in such second time relationships should not be afraid to ask questions, the truth helps build such, as in if A and B were not meant for one another A and C might have the best relationship and B and D might not still be able to make it work because of B. Our society generally is more open to a divorcee than a widow/er. God help us all
I know this issue is a very sensitive issue for most people, but from my understanding of the Bible, a divorcee should not even contemplate remarrying until the ex-partner dies and in the same vein a single person shouldn’t marry a divorced partner as long as the ex-partner still lives. Now, i don’t know about other religions, but as a Christian, I believe marrying a divorcee will be a no-no
thanks
i guess we all fall short of God’s Glory and divorce cases are no exception……..should we keep divorce out of the society?
I’m not surprised this topic evokes such strong convictions; in my opinion, nothing wrong with marrying a divorcee…however marrying an abusive/dishonest/flirtatious person etc, whether divorced or single, is the problem! A lot of heartbreak and even divorce can be averted if people took time to know their partners, and then acknowledged and accepted them for who they were and either signed out or resigned themselves.
Thanks Glo, Nk, Uchechi, Sandra,Bosinuola ,other fab ladies and gents. I must add here that I feel hurt when people come and post things like “are you perfect” or “you’re holier than thou”. I don’t believe ANYBODY here is claiming or protraying themselves to be without sin.We all know we’re not perfect, so why remind ourselves all the time when we already know the only perfection is God himself?I’ve noticed that anytime an opinion is contrary to popular societal views, you’re instantly tagged “forming Holy”, or “hater” why? Most of us are trying to live right regardless of our flaws and use such a medium to help each other. please, let’s all learn to expand our horizon. As i earlier mentioned, I’d love to see the vew of another religion on divorce but as far as chirstianity’s concerned, it’s conditions are so hard you’ll consider it a no-no. But if you choose to do things your way, you may fall into the category of 1cor 2:14. Look before you leap, ask for God’s direction, he makes no mistakes, peace
word!.when your opinions defer from popular opinion u’re castigated. Why didn’t they read the parts that talked about looking before leaping and really praying instead everyone wants to leap and if what they see on the other side isn’t good then they’ll jump ship or pick up and run.
Thumbs up Truth Teller!!
taking it from d religious perspective, it is not adviseable to marry a divorcee except on d grounds of infidelity, however i personally believe if a patner walks away for some unexplainable reasons, d other party should re-marry rather than go through the sin of adultery and fornication if he/she cannot zip up
Divorcees ? No
If we still want to address this from d religious perspective like someone said , it’s still wrong for a woman to remarry while the husband is still alive. All we need do is tell ourselves the truth about life, individual differences are there and these most of us (male/female) have found intolerable. The bible says Man Love your Wife, and to woman ” Submit”. Understanding and Commitment can do it all. Were there not wonderful attributes you saw that got you loving this man/woman at the first instance. Why do we find it difficult to look up to those things when the going gets tough. We all have our little foibles but avoidance of blames would help. Marriage is not ”for better for stay for worse for go” like some will say. Always remember God.
Being that I’m only 21, I would not date a divorcee. However someone above said that everyone comes with baggage so, I think all situations should be judged on a case by case basis with the goal being to take the most compatible person with the least baggage.
AJ
There would be less divorces if people are less intolerant and egoistical where marriage is concerned
That isht only happens in Disneyland 
Wake up!, this is the real world.
That’s what’s up Sista!. Because ultimately, marriage is not about getting something — it’s about giving it. Living happily ever after is a fallacy. It’s the kind of false princess fantasy that Disneyland is built on!!. That’s why that ish(marriage) is for better, for worse!
) pounded yam-eating man will not be doing what you want him to(majority of the time). But as you give him love anyway you will find that you will experience the very thing you wanted all along: requited love 
Facts
1) Woman- get rid of the idea that marriage will always make you happy. It won’t!
Once the initial conjugal high wears off, you’ll just be you, except with twice as much domestic work and laundry
2) Marriage is just a long-term opportunity to practice loving someone even when they don’t deserve it. Because most of the time, your messy, farting (yeah, he’s going to start farting without been ashamed when you’re married
pls i hv bn laffin since i read ur piece,tanx 4 hilariously sendin d msg,u r well rt n i blv dat if singles go in wit dis mindset dey wont b runnin away shockd.dat is not 2 say dat mrg is jst thorny all d way.
word!!!!!
I am a born again christian, but i think Christian take this spirituality thing to the extreme. I know have lot of friends that are not Christians and are happily married. And some that are Christians that are getting divorced and cheating on their spouse.
I am in my early 30s, single female. I have to be honest, i am very very happy with my life. I am glad i am not married cause i know i was not matured at all in my 20s . I know for a fact i would have been for married for all the wrong reasons.
My 2 cents is this, God loves divorcees because they are human too. Life can be very funny and complicated. A married couple that were very happy today can become mortal enemies tomorrow. Only God knows why these things happens and Only He can deliver. ALL WE CAN DO IS PRAY!!!
For you that want to marry (including me), make sure are very happy on your OWN before u marry someone else (Single or divorced). Marriage is a VERY HARD institution!!!! You have to total denial yourself alot of things if you want peace in your life (i have never been married, but i know loads of married men and women that open up to me)
Becareful with your expectations and assumptions (when i marry, i will be this or that). Boy will u get a rude awakening. Love God with all your heart, reach out to other people by helping them and Pray to God Everyday to give you wisdom to deal with issues u face. AND BE READY TO OBEY WHEN U TELLS U TO DO SOMETHING (even if it is not pleasant!). What God says will be good for you.
http://diaryofsnw.blogspot.com/
Yes I would marry J-Lo, Halle Berry, Kelly Rowland and those other beautiful divorcees. Nigerian divorcees are another matter. Ha ha.
No but seriously, marrying a divorced person comes with a caveat:
1. Do a thorough investigation. Why is the person divorced in the first place? Some people have a longer marriage record than Liz Taylor, and they jump from person to person milking them dry and moving on to the next.
2. Ask yourself why you are want to be with this person. A lot of times, girls in particular get desperate after a certain age if they are not married. Guys can smell their desperation even through their facebook/twitter updates, and they become fair-game for poachers. Suddenly even a divorcee or wife-killer seems a good prospect for marriage. Shine your eyes before you commit to anything.
3. What does your faith say. Mine does not condone marriage of a divorcee unless the person’s spouse died. Dont shoot me, I didnt make the rules. These biblical principles are there because God knows better than you and I. Your intended beloved may be an axe-murderer, a serial wife beater, a kpali time traveller who needs you for greencard, or may have a disagreeable attitude towards marriage. I am not saying that all divorcees are that way. No, I know people that have been in bad circumstances in their first marriage. In Igbo land, they return a divorcee’s bride price, but that doesnt solve the spiritual problem. Only God can give guidance here – seek it.
4. Divorcee – why did you leave your marriage? Fair enough if it was because you were in an abusive relationship. What if it was because your spouse fell upon hard-times, was infertile or a one-minute man, was as bi-polar as the Incredible Hulk. Or was it because you fell out of love or had religious differences and he tried to introduce you to his church which was located on a mountain? If you left him/her for dubious reasons, because you decided to take the short-cut out in times of difficulty, you would do the same with a new person. You need to chill
The truth is that many people are interested in wedding but not marriage. Let me repeat that – many people think wedding is the same thing as marriage. People rush into marriage for all sorts of wrong reasons, and when there is a break-up, it harms us all as a society, and the circle continues. A divorcee is a beautiful person that another single/ready to mingle adult could have created something epic with. Someone who is presently divorced may have made the perfect spouse for someone else (who is now without).
Marriage, believe it or not, is a 2-way street. Sometimes people who have been married before, need to take a breather, build up their own lives, learn a bit more, re-evaluate their situations, and seek answers from above, before trying to re-marry or they would make the same mistakes with a new person. Both parties share a degree of blame when a marriage fails. Unfair I know, but thats how it is. Both Tina and Ike Turner are liable for the crash of their marriage, even if Ike did all the beating. Thats marriage for you – what’s love got to do with it, huh?
I like this your point “Marriage, believe it or not, is a 2-way street. Sometimes people who have been married before, need to take a breather, build up their own lives, learn a bit more, re-evaluate their situations, and seek answers from above, before trying to re-marry or they would make the same mistakes with a new person. ” I must add however that the only hindrance to this principle is lack of HONESTY. Who wants their past hung as decoration for all to see? Someone already said here that she married a divorcee and did not know till after the wedding. When we start being TOTALLY honest with each other and ourselves (ya, we also practice self deceit), then we will save many marriages and those who happen to be divorced can go on to lead happier lives in the future.
I am dating a divorcee for 3yrs now, he told me that he does not trust any woman and as a matter of fact has no plans to marry again. He is a father of 2 from previous marriage, has 4 children from different women. Contrarry to all what he said to l just fiscovered he has just married 2months ago a girl 20 yrs his junior. When ask hiom he just tells me that all these do not affect our relationship. This has broken my heart he should had been honest to tell me and then move on with his life. Playing with someone elsee’s emotions is just not a blessing in the eyes of God. How do I trust him again? What next is he hiding from me?
Did you ask questions? I think sometimes we expect people to offer full disclosure on their own but I’m sorry to say that if people lie when asked a question point blank, they will not willingly give up answers especially ones that might stand in the way of them getting what they want! Sometimes women date a man and just keep going with whatever he says without asking pointed questions even with glaring signs because once you are in a relationship, what affects him will affect you directly or indirectly. Women love to wear blinders in relationships because they fear being alone when the sooner they know, the easier it is to move on. When you start dating a man who is divorced and/or has a child or children with several women, you are already giving 150% to his 100%.
Thrizzer, he says he will NOT trust any woman and you stayed for 3yrs! What is a relationship without trust? Furthermore, he says he has no plans of getting married ever again, if you want to get married, what exactly are you doing with this fella? He needs to be dating a woman who is okay with lack of trust, someone as equally distrustful and he needs to be with a woman who is not looking to get married as well. You are selling yourself short, my friend. Because I am sure there is a good guy out there who is willing to do the work it takes to build a great relationship!
LOL Partna…what do you have against Nigerian divorcees? Let me tell you my story (this is a long story o so SORRY in advance)LOL
. Now let’s come to his flaws… no initiative whatsoever…I like to travel and mentioned it several times and even went on an travelled around the world with my friends. He did not pick up on that…I like to look up to my man and this guy’s english was not even average… he kept making mistakes and I would gently correct him and he would say it’s not important…Sometimes I wondered how he got his job…a situation led to another including my 30th birthday for which his gift to me was a perfume. (I hate perfumes as gifts from anybody and I never buy perfumes as gifts) I think it’s the easy-lazy-i-did-not-put-much-thought-in-it-last-minute kinda gift. Call me “picky” o this is fine. Anyway I was told I was picky so I tried and tried but I had no feeling for him, I did not admire him either…and he was not a good lover plus he had a very small d**** (I tried twice hope God will forgive me) so one day I told him I could not be with him. 6 months later he called me to brag about his new car (exes always call to brag about something) LOL (I definitely do not want this guy) and a month ago he called me to tell me that he was moving to a new house because there had been some changes in his life including a new GIRLFRIEND who was now 7 months pregnant for him. He said something like she was very quick at getting pregnant this one as soon as she moved in she became pregnant. I thought she did not do this alone ! LOL and congratulated him ! You will notice he is not married to her…I am still single. So my conclusion is everybody deverves a 2nd chance, but there is a reason for a divorce…so be careful I want a solid relationship but I also want the commitment before God and before man along with the wedding ceremony;-). There is no guarantee than the divorcee will be ready to enter another marriage even if he/she loves you…this being said my uncle is a remarried divorcee and this 2nd marriage has been happy and steady and fruitful for over 2 decades now. So I am with Glory this is a tricky one ! Only God knows !
Well I had to face a similar..ish situation. I relocated to some place for work. I soon found out I had relatives in town. An elder cousin married to a “christian” man and two younger ones.
They are all part of a minister or the other in our church. My counsin sings, her husband plays music and as for the younger cousins: one sings and the other looks after the children of the sunday school in church. My elder cousin once invited me for lunch at hers (my aunty was visiting at the time ). At this point I have to tell you that i am 31 going on 32 and must have been 29 then as it was back in 2008. So the lunch appeared to be some “introduction” to a “separated” guy (except I was not told he was separated). I was not told it was an introduction, just noticed the guy was there when I arrived. He is a good friend of my brother in law, tall good looking guy. I found out he worked in a bank…like I did (sigh, why do people always think oh they both do this let’s introduce them to each other?). Anyway also in attendance were my younger cousins and the guy’s yound daughter. She was about 7 at that time, cute little girl. So nice dinner nice conversation. My brother in law drives me home (along with my cousin and this guy in the car). They tell me aw let us get inside for tea. I politely reply”sure”. So they come to my place I start preparing tea. They look around my newly rented place and this guy makes a comment: “your kitchen is shiny, doesn’t look like a lot of cooking happens here…” I thought that was very presomptuous of him and just laughed. I swear this guy thought he was being offered a girl on some plate o! They soon left and next day my brother in law calls me to tell me he hope i don’t mind as he gave my number to his friend. Ah ah? I said it’s ok. Next thing the guy calls me and manages to put ” I have to go as am dropping my daughter at my ex-wife, she is so annoying” in the conversation! I made a mental note (ex-wife… “annoying” ok). Guy starts inviting me, I am bored in this new place so I go. Dinners, drinks, conversations. I think despite my first bad impression that he is not a bad man. Talking to him it hits me that he is more looking for a babysitter for his daughter than for a woman for himself…so I ask him “how long ago was your divorce again? oh and do you get on with your ex-wife if not why” that’s when he tells me: Oh I am not divorced yet I am separated. Chineke ! I think to myself see me bad luck. I now reply ah so she is still your wife then, he is now embarrased and says like i said we are separated. Hum, I am thinking to myself : those people who introduced me to him are suposed to be “better christians than me” so surely they should have had the same concern… the guy now starts chasing me like crazy around town, so one day I tell him: ” You know you are a nice man but I am not comfortable with going out with a married man. This is against my principles. He is like yes but i swear there is nothing between us. But that is not the problem, the problem is that you are still a married man! Why would I go out with a married man other than to pour bad luck oil upon me? Abeg next. The guy was still adamant that I was being stupid and that he would be divorced “soon” and there was no point me delaying “us”. I said go and get your divorce not because of me but only if this is what you want, otherwise if there is any chance that this woman still loves you, for the sake of your daughter please try to work on it and try one last time to save your marriage. He is like you didn’t ask me why we got a divorce. I am like this is your personal business, I respect that. So he now tells me this woman did something horrible to him so I become really tired and ask him ok so what happened? He starts telling me that the woman is a lawyer (like me) and worked long hours and that he also worked long hours and that she was never home always busy and then she did something horrible. So I ask him “did she cheat on you”? he does not answer. I am thinking “hum drama”. Then i once overhear in conversations between people around town that he was not treating his wife right.
Both sides of the story… guy is still chasing so I tell him: M. I am looking for a serious relationship, I want to get married. Even if I accepted to be your GF would you be able to marry me? No so why do you want me to compromise myself and go out with a married man and one day your wife and you decide you don’t want to divorce anymore and I am left with my regrets? He tells me “you are too tough, this is your problem you are not flexible enough and you’re in a hurry this is not good. In any case I have to tell you, even if i got divorced tomorrow I would not marry straight away, I am not ready to marry again so soon.” I tell him I wish you the best and hope you can fix your issues with your wife. He tells me this can never be. Then guy keeps calling me like 3 times a day. One day I return the call on his house line. Woman picks up the phone. I cut the line. weird I think to myself and just forget about it. 10 min later I receive a text message reading ” this is rude to call people and put the phone down on them. Please note I am M’s wife and you should find your own husband.” Jesus ! this is exactly what I wanted to avoid oh see me being put to shame I don’t even deserve all because of this man? I call his mobile and tells him to get his wife off my track and sort his issues and leave me ALONE. She kept texting and called me (I did not respond to the text messages nor did i pick up the phone). Eventually she stopped after one week. Guy disappears. Never went to my cousin after this, I was so mad at her and her husband for driving me into this wahala! Was just seeing them at church and stayed polite as she is an elder. They invited me to celebration of their wedding anniversary, I went which is when my brother in law told me that M. was now divorced and I should think about him…I told him he should never have introduced a married man to me and left soon after. At this point I thought Lord because I am still single people think they have the right to pity me and they believe I should be happy that some guy is even looking at me… Following week later after church my brother in law sends for me and tells me that M wants to be with me and I should call him. M. called me. Oh I am divorced now etc…blablabla. Okay, so what have you been up to etc… I was polite. Starts calling me everyday daytime, evening, night 11pm etc… so one day I ask him: what would you like from me? He tells me: nothing oh I just want to be friends, nothing more I don’t want you to think I am chasing you because that is not the case. OK then please don’t call me that often…I call my brother in law: I tell him ok so i know you want me to be with your friend but i do not feel this way and your friend himself told me he does not want me. So let us be all clear, I don’t want you to start ranting about me considering your friend again. He is like ” You don’t know men, don’t mind him, he is just playing tricks as in hard to get, besides I know he is seeing this girl from work but they are just sleeping nothing serious” I was like WHAT???? you the church man??? telling me that some guy wants me so badly that after getting his divorce he starts seeing another girl and I am supposed to play along? Hell to the No ! I was so angry…this is when my younger cousins (22) now tell me that M. has been telling my elder cousin and her husband that I was too much in a hurry and that the year before I wanted him to marry me! Then 6 months later M. starts emailing me saying he has been thinking about me and does not know what came over him and he is in front of my office can I have lunch with him. I was still single (still am by the way LOL) people had convinced me that I was too picky etc…you know the story so I went. He had flowers. I told him he owed me an apology for telling lies to my cousin about me. He swore he did not put it that way and said he was sorry. We had lunch, dinners. He came over to have dinner at mine with his daughter. I had more fun with the daughter
Chin,
You tell a good story my sister, sugbon next time, try paragraphs and some planning to put your story some flow.
I can never understand women, you guys do not use logic at all. It was clear this guy was not meant for you. You both have different objectvies, and he did not hide it from you. He wanted a babysitter, someone to spend time with and also someone to release tension with. You needed a husband, and you had right criteria.
SO WHY STILL GO AHEAD TO SLEEP WITH HIM? That was so so dumb. what about if you got pregnant? What about if you caught STD from him? What about if tomorrow you get serious with someone and he turns out to be a relative/close friend of the guy (or you do not know that men gossip a lot?)
You women sef???
Thank s truth teller for having the courage to tell the truth,this is one topic that really bothers me.My sista and I often ask each other if God has changed His standards or we simply dont understand what He means by HATE DIVORCE! or If Paul s teaching dont hold water anymore. I have a lot of friends who i love to bits,who are going through hell in their marriages,and incerely nothing will make me happier than seeing them check out of the marriage and getting another partner cos they deserve to be happy,they r the best of men/women,men of God who i have the highest regards for getting divorced,but the truth is,it s not about us ,but about wot God says. No doubt God loves divorces,but He loves the murderer and he armed robber too,I dont mean to take anything away from anybody s experience,i know how tough it can be,but truth be told our emotions dont change God. To every man his own,God help us all
marry your friend….is a simple saying but DEEP….if you know what a FRIEND REALLY IS that is!!……
LOL @ Biodun!!! Too Funny BUT Oh so true!
Everyone of us is at the mercy of God! For those that are about to enter the institute, make sure the person is yours and for those that are not enjoying theirs, hold on, joy cometh in the morning!!. To our young couples out there, let us stop coping the western world.Marriage and Divorce are complicated issues and should be handled carefully . Do not wish for your marriage to be like A’s own but how God wants it. Only YOU can make your marriage Work!!! It is well with us.
As for the issue of marrying a divorcee it is not my first choice of a spouse as is marrying a man with children. None of these situations are ideal for me.
I also wonder why when any topic arises God has to come into it. Why is it that a topic can never be discussed objectively from a human, practical, life experience standpoint? Some folks even take it upon themselves to speak as though they are the very mind of God and they know exactly for sure how God feels about every possible earthly situation. I wonder when was the last time these people got a text message, a phone call, or a visit at home from God.
So on point! That is Naija Christianity for you, na them holy pass. I wonder why God must be brought into every topic. God gave you BRAINS to think objectively for yourself. As for me the only commandment I follow is ‘love your neighbor as you love yourself.’ So God is so wicked to deprive a divorcee a second chance to happiness after a brutal marriage?
You’re so right Mabel…. tell them
Mabel, you hit this core issue right on the head. Church doctrines can be held accountable for some of these issues we see. isn’t it the same doctrin that tells a man he is the head (even though this same man doesn’t pay bills, doesn’t love his wife, doesn’t work, doesn’t do anythign responsible) and that the woman who works hard, does eveyrthing right pays the bills is now commanded to submit to this world class jerk? where is the practicality in this? the man is the head and should be submitted. isn’t that what makes the man think he can get away wiht murder and should be submitted to? have you all wondered why the practical marriages seem to be more easy going and fruitful that the ones based all these hypocrites who selectively live by certain scriptures while ignoring others. Women, run when the guy begs you to submit. that’s the number one sign of a controlling individual
Do ypu have any issues with God topics?!!! moreover the institution of marriage was created by God so…..
I am a 31 year old divorcee and I do not think that any normal girl grows up wishing to be divorced. I married an abusive man and he was the one that abandoned my child and I in the cold winter abroad when the baby was just a few months old? My offence? Till today I sometimes cry out to God for understanding on why it happened to me but I thank God that I am better off for it now. Divorcees are human beings with feelings like everyone else and sometimes it may not be your fault so why cant divorcees remarry and have a happy life like anyone else. I tried my best being the best wife that I could to him and he was even the one that disvirgined me! I am not saying that I am without fault but I dont know what I did to deserve the treatment that I got from him. I know the Lord will surely bless me with a husband who is right for me and who would accept my child. I look up to Him because He is faithful. I am a beautiful young woman who is hardworking and has a lot to offer a man so my faith is strong.
Hey Jada, I would love to get in touch if possible. I am 28 yrs going through the samething. It’ll help me a lot if we can talk. Here is my email: revira_v@yahoo.com.
I am married to a divorcee with two kids. In my husbands case, his ex left him and went back to her country. My husband married her( to the disappointment of his family) after he found out she was pregnant for him. His family begged him not to but he said he has to marry her since he was responsible for the baby. Unfortunately, after abt three years, the boy died but that was after they had a daughter while married.
I must say divorce is really tough. One must be very strong to go into a relationship with a divorcee not matter how in love you are with him. I still find myself thinking why she left him ( especially when he gets me angry).
Marriage is a tough tough institution. All senses are required for it to succeed. Put everything into God’s hands and ask for his direction and grace!
no marrying a devorcee!!its commiting adultry!!we are really baptising sin here!!if you guys really want to get married then get a manual froom the initiator himself God!!pple are hopeless adn desparate!!i cant marry a devorcee!!if he couldnt sustain his fiirst relationship wat guarantee does he have to sustain yours!!ha!!!lets face it.sin is sin and whoever marries a devorcee commits aadultry!!moses allowed pple to devorce coz their hearts were hard!!that meeans God never intend for devorce leave alone marring a devorced person.marriage is a ho;y institution its high time we respectd it!!
Linda u rather sound sanctimonous with ur comment. I think u shd no why hs divorced befor u say “if he cldnt sustain his first marriage……” i would tell you that some women give their husbands hell and that wld be d reason for divorce. it cld be lack of understanding on the woman’s part which leads to heart wrecking nagging, adultery in marriage, being fettish, the list is endless. Now tell me of a man who would live under the same room and in happiness with such a women? Or if u found out your own husband did all the things i have mentioned (which is not my prayer for u), wld u stil live happily ever after with him? Divorces have a million and one reasons why they happen and many are for the happiness of both parties cos if things aint working, they aint working
The commentator Linda should pray that God will not give you what you cannot bear.Divorce is tough and I have said that no girl grows up praying to be a divorcee in future.Some things just happen and in my case I don’t know how we drifted apart.I have tried for years to contact him and make peace because I didn’t want to be labelled divorcee for no reason and also in the best interest of our child.I was brought up in a peaceful home with no history of divorce in the family so what had I done to deserve the title at the age of 26. Years of Gods peace afterward has made me realise that I am still a valuable and loveable woman despite what he had done abandoning me and my child. Linda,I want you to pray that you never get into a divorce situation because as I said no girl dreams of becoming a divorcee with all the pain and emotional ache that comes with it not to talk of society murmurings.God is a God of all and that includes divorcees because He is close to the brokenhearted.God loves everyone equally so that label should be removed when u are dealing with someone,you never know what caused the divorce so don’t blame.
the issue applies to me, ‘cos i’m seperated at the moment and planning to go thru with the ‘D’. and the case of Titi kinda convinced me not to go back, bcos whr i’m coming from is very abusive, both verbally (which kills the psyche) and physically. my problem is that i married him for ‘him’. i thot that no one is perfect anyway so i chose to ignore those things that have grown with time and degenerated to this level. i wasnt thinking abt my own happiness, i thot that if i cld make him happy everything wld be alrite with time because he wld appreciate that i was making him happy and then reciprocate. and i did out in my very best, so much that outsiders think we’re just the perfect couple and how he’s such a lucky man. but he took all that and failed to reciprocate. i thot that i cld change him, but i only ended up feeding his bad habits. now i’m beginning to love myself and think of how to make myself happy, cos the previous formula-waiting for him to make me happy-did not work at all. i’m more afraid of the past, than of facing the future alone bcos i have to learn to love myself. i just realised that the bible says i should love my neighbour just the same way i love MYSELF, i never did love myself b4 now. remarriage for me is left for God. i know i married the wrong person in the beginning and that led to 7 yrs of unhappiness, pain and even suicidal thots. i know there;s a right man for me out there, but again he may already be married to someone else. i dont even think a single person wld understand the things i’ve been thru, they’ve made me grow a lot and see things in a different perspective. i hope for the best for the future!
besides there are no kids…which is part of the problem!
Just to add, ladies and gentlemen, please create time out of your busy schedules to attend marriage counselling before hitting the altar. I do believe this helps us to discover hidden things about our partners and convinces us on how compatible we are or not. With this, divorces cases can be curbed in our societies.
Having said that, the bible has made it clear that if couples decide to part ways, they should remain unmarried in order not to commit adultery, are we not supposed to follow the teachings of the bible rather than using our own standards? Well, life is a choice, as for me I will not encourage a divorcee to remarry as it conflicts with the teachings of the bible. However, only God can give us answers to certain deep questions/situations/decisions, may he shower us with his wisdom at all times.
If you are going to dabble into divorce, or date a divorcee, read what you should know about it at http://sociablesusan.blogspot.com/2011/08/dos-and-donts-of-divorce-part-i.html
and http://sociablesusan.blogspot.com/2011/08/divorce-dos-donts-part-ii.html
Pray to God for wisdom. I would take a divorced man that will treat me well over a single man that wont. simple bottom line.
i am currently dating a divorcee. I lcdnt help but ask him oneday “why would a woman let such a great guy slip thru her finger?” To which he replied “you dont know what you gopt till its gone” cos in the past months we’ve been together, i have never had any course to doubt his xter. i would marry a divorcee provided he is really done with his x spouse. The “never-married” guys also hae their own k leg abeg
*cldnt* and *got* pls
@thizzer, R U KIDDING ME? u r playing with a tigers tail and i fear on your behalf. one word 4 u…
R—–U——N!
Thanks Truth, Tito O, Titi …
@Mabel, Sultana, Revira, Sett, except you do not believe in God, there should be no basis for disregarding the role of God in any marriage. If you can get married by a priest or in church, would you then choose to do things your way by believing in the part of the Bible “you” choose to believe for yourself?actually you can, God has given man free will and you can do whatsoever you want to with it, but for everything there’s judgement whether good or evil. As Titi asked, do you have a problem with “god” topics? well,as long as you don’t believe we evolved from some creature, the role of God in the life of every mere mortal can NOT be ignored. Divorce is something no one wants to experience be you christian, muslim, pagan, aetheist…. We can only pray for the strength to move on (for those already divorced) but I am in no was castigating any divorced person. Can anyone on this forum please give a non-christian, non-secular prespective on divorce?It’ll be great to see the view of other religions on this issue. Once again, if you’ve gone through or are going through a divorce, please be strong, especially if children are involved.
@Thrizzer, listen honey, you don’t deserve to be treated that way. what’re you sticking around him for? In any case, he’s someone else’s husband now, biko, let go, he’s bad news for you! @Monalisa, honey thanks for your story, trust me it’s a lesson for many unmarried people. I trust you’ll do just fine,especially now that you’ve decided to love yourself. @Jada, your faith would bring the man of your dreams, this’s my prayer for you.hang in there girl,the best is yet to come!
I do not appreciate couples divorcing each other, but i believe that if the reason(s) behind getting a divorce is justified then its okay, some people get married and are never happy, some women become punching bags and others become victims of so many bad instances, others conceal very vital informations from their spouses and reveal it after marriage it is advicable for people like that to seperate and find happiness some where else, for those kind of people, they learn their lesson and do not make the same mistakes the second time.
Thanks Mary007. @Laura Brown, wow, i’m surprised I didn’t see your comment. In any case, that wasn’t the subject but can still be adressed. For single parents, no one is condenming them because anything can happen to anyone. (some cases were due to rape, death, mistakes, manipulations e.t.c) For example, tell me who on earth would condemn a lady that’s been raped and had the child because she didn’t want to abort it. (well, some with stone hearts) there are circumstances, genuine ones. The love of God covers us all if we repent, so no matter who’s gone wrong, that person can be forgiven, My own sister is a single mother due to death, There’s no condemnation please.
I am a xtian and I hate divorce. But life throws surprises at us. I believe the crop of people who are saying here that people that are getting divorced married for the wrong reasons ranging from money, fame etc. These people are plain naïve. People change. Some men/women have changed along the line in marriage and then mess up an otherwise beautiful relationship. Being a born again, staunch musli, virgin does not guarantee a good marriage. Like smone above pointed out, it is the grace of God. I have known born again divorced couples, who did the counselling and all the running around pastor during disagreements. Truth be told, if you do not have same interests with you partner, that marriage won’t work if u like sleep with a bible over your head every night. Godsgrace which no one deserves is the recipe for a good marriage..not all these holier than thou comment. Make we hear word joor!!!
i’ve gone tru all the comments concerning dis issue. It is very sad, for one to complain why God is brought into an issue. WE are all sinners, and no sin is bigger or smaller than the othe, Yes. But do we now say becos we are sinners we should not say de truth? God gave man Brains, yes. He also gave us the basics and foundation and guidelines to follow. There is no topic on earth if we really want to follow objectively that, God and the Bible wont be mentioned. These are the existence of Man. Its Nature Itself. When issues become sentive as this, The originator of marriage, His rules and regulations, His principles have to come to play. The right things always seem very difficult to do. Why de wrong things are more convient. Let me ask another quetion, Stealing is wrong, thats the truth. Do we now start analysing the reasons why people steal just to justify the act? for whatever reason if u steal, its a sin and its wrong. God only gave grounds for divorce only on de grounds of infidelity! thats de standard. That is why, one has to be very careful, and not to rush into it, becos your friends are all married and other flimsy reasons. On the other hand, God also teaches us dat discretion shall preserve us. If anyone finds his or herself in an abusive marriage, there are steps to be taken to put things right. It is when all effort has been exausted to remedy the situation, before divorce comes in. Is just that many divorve case are as a result of impatience, intolerance, lack of endurance. if not, divorce would have not have been an issue. When it comes to Marriage, we have no option but to go to God in prayers, to give us our rightful partners.
@ Thrizzer,
If i were you, I would move on girl, the guy definitely has no plans for you. May God heal your broken heart and give you your own man. All the best
@Chino, rightly written!
well I have read every thing and weldone Truth teller…u’ve done well…Father knows I hate divorce but I dont know if I can stay in a physically abusive relationship…honestly….but then I know someone who divorced for the right reasons….her hubby cheated on her but u know what…she re-married another divorcee whose first marriage dint work out cos of no kids but this same lady in question…despite the fact that her first hubby cheated on her…wasn’t as sauve and polished as her new husband….she actually wishes she forgave her first hubby and had given him another chance since he especially begged for one….Ladies…divorce is harder than we think…see Jada despite the fact that its the guy who abandoned her it still wasn’t easy for her to move on….the scar will always be there and at the same time having been raised by a single mum…single parenthood aint easy either…at the end of the day…Eat Pray Love….God has never forsaken anyone who seeks Him know will anyone who trusts in Him be put to shame….my 2cents…..
*nor
Life is too short (and full of ups and downs) to be blocking your own happinees because of a previous divorce. Perhaps you learn from your past mistakes, perhaps your 2nd attempt will be the right attempt. Its a shame our culture is so negetive about issue that are simply facts of life. My question to people screaming hell about being divorced is which one is better. To be miserably married to someone who no longer loves you, fasting and praying till you are all bones, or to be divorce and at peace ant happily married to another? Remember no one is perfect, and although God frowns on divorce, God is not an advocate for unhappy marriages nor did he say a divorcee will go to hell for remarrying. Lets keep things in perspective.
Mhhhhh this is a hard one. For an African woman staying in America who has seen her on share of marriages and divorces, i will say it all depends. You know it is sad that 99.9 percent of the brothers have all these baggage that comes with them-Baby Mamas. For me, the hardest thing i can deal with is a baby mama. Am okay with a guy who is divorced and has no kids….but i still cant wrap my head around marrying a man with kids….Ohhhh and not to mention, the foundation or marriage…You need to base it on the truth and the right thing….I do have nightmares about marriage and the last time, i had a nightmare that my boyfriend proposed to me and i went insane…Ohhh well apparently, i might not be the married type. It all depends on our decision and how good the man or woman you are marrying is. If he/she is worth it then go for it!!!!!
yeah people, nice debate. However, on the marriage councelling>lol
just thinkin out loud!
First – Bellanaija, please correct your heading because unless this is directed towards women, you should have written “divorcee/divorcé”.
When I was single, my father used to tell me to not marry a divorced man or a man with child(ren) from a previous relationship because he felt that I should start that part of my life fresh and my father is a divorcé. He just felt that I should have someone who is not jaded, someone who will be experiencing being engaged,married and the subsequent pregnancy and delivery of our child for the first time like me with that “in awe” perspective which can be lacking when marrying someone who had already been there, done that. He felt that divorced people with/without children should marry others like themselves. The funny thing is that I shared his view point before he stated it to me; I knew that I wanted my own person free and clear, untainted so to speak. Yes, there is something to be said for experience but I wanted to track the terrain with someone as new to it all as myself, I wanted to learn and grow with someone. I did find that the further up one gets in age, the harder it is to find a man who has not either already had a baby with a baby mama or has one divorce in the bank or in the works. However, I found that with patience and prayer, I was able to find a person in my age category who fit my ideal, i.e. never married, no children in addition to sharing the same values.
I do believe if people find love with someone they think is the right person, go for it whether they bare the title of divorcee or divorcé BUT please make sure that the person is fully divorced from their former spouse. It is a disaster waiting to happen to move fast with someone who is “separated” and/or still working on their divorce proceedings, it is best to let that person complete what they’ve begun and go through the emotional withdrawal that is sure to come with ending a relationship. Some women/men make the mistake of thinking they can be the antidote to a new partner going through a divorce when only time to heal can do it. Date a man or woman who is far removed from their divorce, already has the custody/child support issues worked out etc because then you don’t get caught up in some emotional drama.
Very sane and practical advise. I wish more ppl who love to dole out advise would take a page from your book and learn to stick to the topic at hand and give practical, workable advise that can be used by just about anybody regardless of their belief system.
Yep it works!Most divorcees tends to be more careful,resilient and enduring.Knowing they can’t afford to fail the second time makes them put more effort in extremely challenging situations.
i am 37 years old. seperated from my ex 5 years ago. finally divorced 2 years ago.
In my case i guess we got married for the wrong reason. I was at the top of my career then and later my buiness went kaput. but its funny though. we dated for 5 years through campus (same class , same department) . but married for less than 2 years.
That does not make me a monster. being divouced limits your options. I have seen myself meeting great babes but getting passed over because i am open and honest enough to admit that I have once been married.
And I have been in relationships that i was just played because i was once married.
since i moved to abuja 3 years ago. i have learnt to just take things in my stride and hope i meet the ONE . Just that women now scare the shit out of me , with there hidden intentions. I want to be with a woman that wants to be be with me for me. Not just a woman that wants a ring on her finger
The truth be told, the end of a union does not mean the end of life. marriage should be btw 2 mature minds that are ready to face the hurdles of life 2gether. staying married is not as easy as getting married. for it to succeed, it takes serious commitment, love, sacrifices, perfecting the act of listening than talking, more of focusing on the good attributes of ur spouse than the bad ones. my marriage is barely 3 months old , recently my spouse said he was tired already. marriage is truly not by power, might, love, wealth, or even beauty. if u are not in it ,u cannot describe it. may God grant to wisdom to make it work.
I’m a divorced guy and find it very interesting to hear the views of people on this topic. I’m a born again christian and had a child with my ex. I have to say divorce is really one of those things that nobody understands unless they’ve experienced it personally or had a close relative or friend go through it. People often assume that Christians abandon God when they want to leave a marriage. But in My case God was what made leaving so HARD. Would He forgive me for leaving my child whom I loved so much? And my wife whom I didn’t hate? But could I pretend anymore? after 9 years of fighting (often going weeks without talking) and having physical confrontations infront of our child (where my wife hit ME – I never hit her). I sat down and considered killing myself. Very very often I considered it. After I left it took years of counselling to get over the guilt I felt and I still struggle with my faith as a result. I dont expect people to understand (especially single people). Did I make the right decision? Only God will let me know in the end. But I definitely want to try again. I married for the wrong reason (for sex see 1 Corinthians 7: 8-9). I hope I can get it right next time, and hope I wont be sent to hell for what I did…
Getting involved with a divorcee is not a big deal. Rightly pointed, you want to find out what led to him/her being divotced initially. From a religious point of view, the Bible is against divorce except on grounds of adultery. Looking at it from a secular point of view, a lot of reasons causes divorce in our society today. It ranges from infidelity, all forms of abuse, feeling unwanted, unloved, rejected by your spouse etc. So I feel it is serious matter to be considered when venturing into such relationship.
I know people who have been divorced before and are now in a loving and healthy relationship. I am very religious when it comes to issues like that. If you marry outside of God’s will then the likelihood of such things happening are high except you are ready to endure and pray to God fervently regarding your marriage. In most cases, there are consequences. If you marry God’s will for you then you face mild chances of such situations. Even in God’s will, there are challeges but you know if you take it to God in prayers with Godly counsel everything will be okay.
In the secular, people use modern therepy for marital issues. These idea works and I support it. My believe is that, if you don’t believe in God atleast try something else that can help you. My only concern is that knowing the type of environment we are from, some of these marital issues can be spiritual and if not handled properly the result/outcome can be drastic. I’m not sure if anyone agree with my thoughts.
hmm,all said n done,am a young lady of 30 and am separated n already filed for D–what happens when d man u married is a pathological liar dat can even lie that he has water running in his veins,its dat bad,what wld u do if d same man was into cultism in sch n was rusticated n u neva knew until yrs after,what wld u do if d same man scams everybody u ve ever introduced him to for biz ,including ur bosses at work ,what wld u do if d same man is abusive ,what wld u do if d same man is engaged in occultism n u discovered charms in d house n u ve dreamt severally he wanted to kill u,what wld u doif d same man makes u visit police station like u re going to numetro to watch a movie ,i knw d question some will ask is dint i see d signs before marriage?THERE WAS NO SIGN N I LOVED WITH MY EYES OPEN.so say something else.as long as am concerned U NEED TO BE ALIVE TO STAY MARRIED n when u get to heaven if at all u make it ,God ll nt ask u abt ur husband,everyman for himself.so now dat am separated n looking forward to moving on with my life ,is dat too much to ask,and y is d society living in self denial n and tagging us as if the married ones are better than us.i will not let any person bring me down by the tagging bt dear ,its just a matter of yrs n d supposed happily married “” ones ll be regreting y they stayed cos i wld ve moved on ,a happier n better person in life bt they wont be able to complain openly bt they re loving my life .
Well, if you were my sister, I would advice you to leave. Whether you will remarry is another thing entirely. It is better to be alive and lonely than to be dead and married
Wow. You guys have all said well.
But let’s for sometime drop al our tots and deal wit a true life story: my story!
I got married 18 months ago & I was in love,had a great wedding & al that. Over the months I begin to see a different person in ma wife in every aspect…she’s never laid the bed for a single day in al these months, no cleaning of anywhere-(well mayb 2 or 3 times when she had a maid over to help), she ONLY comes to me for sex when she feels she is fertile (I guess her idea of marriage is just to make babies and train children). She’s comfortable wit getting me packed food from her office and warming that up for me later as dinner-and by the way, that’s the only meal she ever bothers to make me during the week. She’s a young executive in multinational so I look away and made up my mind to live with this. Funnily, I always said when I was married, I’ll reduce my eatery food intake by 80%. Guys, it increased by over 90%.
The last 6 months have been dramatic-i just found out that she’s got problems wit every single girl that’s my friend(she was never like that before we got married) and has made it clear she doesn’t want them around me or her and to make matters worse, she has no friends of her own. My friends have practically given me room &tagged my house a no go area for them. We have drifted apart. We live in the same house but more like flat mates. No deep talking, no mushiness, no cuddling, etc…..Guys, I’ve got ma excesses yer-and a past that’s quite interesting but is that something I shud now be answering esp when she wasn’t in the picture? Picking holes wit every single story I told her before. I didint use to delete messages on my fone so she’ll know there’s nothing to hide-that just brought me more problems.
To cut a long story short, I found that she sees me as an error in her life-a mistake she made, she’s full of regrets and lives life as a farce. I was shattered. Here I was, trying to make us comfortable and to make us work-i have not said a word about it. We are both not happy The marriage is on safe mode now -just regular talk….have u eaten, where u going, welcome, good night/morning etc. We are not even friends, we don’t make love, I wash the plates, sweep, lay our bed, wash our clothes and the bathrooms(its a 4 bed duplex)…..Everything so my house is not a pigsty. We have tried to talk about this over and over again but it doesn’t seem to work. She’s however pregnant now and I’m just waiting for her to deliver(a few weeks or days) and did I forget to say that we are both below 30.
She is very nice to my family and they love her… Same to her co-workers but I discovered she can be extremely nice to those she choose to and extremely hostile to those she wants to, esp my friends she met thru me
Is it fair if I subject the rest of my days to this misery? In all of this, am a christian and a leader in church so this is not about dis-regarding the doctrine of God… I am a shadow of myself, I look very malnourished… Here I am, very sad, I don’t have friends cos she doesn’t want them, I don’t even have the friendship I need with her. I totally did not sign up for this. Gosh….. Do I need a way out?
I’ve given u this long story so u wld have a fair background. However, feel free to ask the questions you might wish to, I sure will answer.
I await your comments.
Broken your narration is absolutely off the hook and im shocked that we don’t have comments on this already! i think you need to take a deep breadth and just relax. Im close to tears on your behalf and my brother, i can only say the Lord is your strength. I have never been married so i might not be able to advice you appropriately.
Be calm my brother
just keep at it… She may change. God can change a man’s heart…
Broken,
Do you think this marriage is salvageable? If so, have you considered sitting your wife down and having a serious heart to heart? Her behavior is obviously stemming from somewhere or something which she hasn’t thought to clue you into so you have to take action or you will rot away in your emotional quagmire; even the bible says “my people perish for a lack of knowledge”, so chose to educate yourself on your wife. I would suggest that you speak to your wife, you should take a sheet of paper and consider the pros and cons of this marriage, write them down so that when you speak with her, you speak with clarity and not with emotion. You don’t want to get emotional and say something you cannot take back because you need her to open up to you. If speaking with her one on one does not work, you might want to consider involving your spiritual advisor at work or a professional therapist. All this begins with, “Do I want to fight for this relationship?” and “Do I love my wife enough to try?” It is your answers to these questions that will inform your next course of action. Good luck, brother! Marriage no be beans o hmm!
You have made vital comments here. Those questions….truth is I have lost all the will power to fight for this marriage. You know its a thing to think or guess, its a totally different ball game to be confronted and told that “this guy is the biggest mistake I have made and I am living a lie”. this is what breaks me totally. Thinking about it now just….gosh! Im traumatised.
Ok, lets give reason a chance! I Will have the talk with the paper and see where we go from there. Many thanx.
Broken,
You must fight for your marriage. It would be easy to say the situation is too bad and just walk away. That is not it. All the happy couples you see out there, do you know what they are going through? I am sure many people will be looking at you and your wife (especially with your 4 bedroom duplex and two incomes) and be envious.
First, you must work on yourself? If you do not have the determination to fight and work hard to restore your marriage you have lost it.
Second, you must seek to get more understanding and knowledge of your wife
Third, you must pray for grace and strenght.
Fourth, go out of your way to please your wife, even when she does not deserve it. Yes, that is mumu, but it is love.
Fifth, be prepared to change. It may mean that you will have to love Mr Biggs, well too bad, that is your cross, God will give you grace to carry it.
You must realise that divorce is not an easy way out. Like a bright young man said here, marriage no be beans or moin moin.
I think you also need to find someone to encourage you. You will need some one to talk to, someone to encourage you when you are down and want to give up.
Keep at it and may God have mercy on you
!
@revira and jada,ur life experiences brought me to tears,i am a single lady, i really do not know what it means to be divorced, but i can only imagine ur pain.i’ll remember you in my prayers.
@ toyin o, u said something that was captivating:REMARRYING DOESN’T HEAL THE WOUNDS.
why do we think the most impt rule God gave was to LOVE.. Now pple are very selfish.. It is as simple as it is in the bible we all say the answers to all question is in the bible.. The bible says my people perish for lack of KNOWLEDGE.. It says easily God is love… so how can you love another human being without loving God.. Also, we have free will most of the things that befall human is our choices… Why did u choose that man? what made you think he is the one for you? When you get married we shld do a self evaluation of ourselves every now and then.. if everyone cld work on themselves and i mean evaluate their lives or attitude and see what they are doing right and wrong.. Marriage will be a very beautiful thing.. But pple don’t. Pple dont change when you are married cos am married .. what happens is that you do not see the real person when u r dating because we r so carried away by our flesh.. marriage brings out the real character of a person.. It makes a good person better and a bad person worse… Now before marrying our prayer should be father open my eyes to see.. let me be able to listen for your voice.. simple prayer and this wld help a lot… If we r all determined to make it work in marriages and not divorce for silly reasons it will be good.. But most of us think about divorce as an option out before getting married( selfishness)… For whoever that is saying why do we mention God in everything he made everything… LIFE is SPIRITUAL… Why is the BIBLE the oldest book.. because its the answer to every question that is why no matter how much u want to avoid it.. It has the answer. Remember God has seen all this before we were born so why do u think we have the BIBLE.. it is the solution to all mystery.. Study it make it ur daily meal and then it will bring out what it talks about in our lives. But most of us dont want to do that but complain.. please stop complaining take the right step which is study the answer to all mystery and then you will know what to do in every decision. But we are all lazy and don’t have time and what to go thru the easiest route…Any silly reason for divorce i do not like …
Yes Divorce is a sin, but like any other sin, if we confess our sins and ask for forgiveness, God forgives, cleanses us and makes us whole again! He gives you a second chance at marriage again, which could be reconciliation to your spouse or marriage to a “new” person single or divorced. Whichever one, He gives you; He works on both of you so it works the second time around. God is the God of Second Chances. Otherwise there’s no need to seek forgiveness.
I av gone tru wat all has written and i must confess that it was interesting and every1 has a point but i must say here that who among us is happy about bn tagged a ‘Divircee’? It is a personal experience dat i am talking about here, my husband was a bully,he lacks respect for my family even my Mum and Dad,he beats me even when i was pregnant and in the presence of my Mum one day. He walked out of our Marriage when i was 4months into the pregnancy and since then, i av not set my eyes on him. My child is going to be 2 yrs Old in a couple of months, i am young and beautiful 30Years of age and i av been alone since he left me with the responsiblity of taking care of the Child. I ask here that are you all saying i should remain single for life? It is not easy to be a single Mom but i pray for all of us that has experienced it to find a good man that will make us happy till the end.
Yes Divorce is a sin, but like any other sin, if we confess our sins and ask for forgiveness, God forgives, cleanses us and makes us whole again! He gives you a second chance at it again (marriage), which could be reconciliation to your spouse or marriage to a “new” person single or divorced. Whichever one, He gives you; He works on both of you so it works the second time around. God is the God of Second Chances. Otherwise there’s no need to seek forgiveness.
I think God is a God of a million chances! Everything we do is like filthy rags but the blood. I believe He gives us second chances every day. Somehow, we’ve managed to group sins and made some more serious than others’- I agree that divorce is bad but just like every sin, when we confess our sins He is able and just to forgive us and His blood washes us white as snow. (As to how red can wash something to become white, I’ll ask him that when we get to heaven). The Bible says that whilst we were yet sinners Christ loved us, this is not a guarantee to sin, as Paul said should we continue to sin because grace abounds? No but I think we limit the length and breadth of God’s love. In the New Testament, Paul said he allowed divorce because of our hard heartedness, somewhere he also says if your right arm causes you to sin, cut it off… if the marriage breeds hatred and grief, unbelief and suicidal thoughts I think you’re on the sin path… God will reward your faithfulness if you stay but if you can’t I don’t think He will close heaven’s gates on you. I’ve always wondered why God told Hagai (Ishmael’s mum) to go when Sarah asked her to and promised to be with her. He didn’t seem angry too nor did He punish neither of them for it (because it was His will). Could it be that some of these may actually be his path for us or that He allows it to happen? I know in those days it probably wasn’t considered marriage but it’s still the same, and then it also makes you a better person sometimes.
All I know is His ways are not our ways and we’ll have lots of surprises when we get to heaven!
We all know what the scriptures say about Divorce. We also know what the scriptures say about lying, stealing, fornicating, idolatory, killing etc. So let me ask those of you that say you cannot marry a Divorcee because the bible frowns upon Divorce. Can you marry someone who has told a lie, stolen, lusted after another woman but did not pluck his/her eye out? I dare say that some of you hypocrites will have no objections to tying the knot with such a partner. Bottom line, nobody plans to get a divorce when they are getting married. But it happens. The divorcee that is toasting you may even have been at fault. But just like the single guy who has fornicated with 100 girls before he met you, or the banker that cheated on his school exams, the divorcee has done something that did not please God. But here’s the good news… God will forgive the divorcee. Maybe you hippies should too
Have u guys ever wondered why girls go for married men? money? maybe, but I know quite a few who do it not just for the money. An interview with one sums it up? “I am tired , every good man I meet ends up being married!” Honey, thats why they are married, because they are the good ones!! Good things get picked up faster than bad one remember?
I am a 29yrs old lady and single! my last relationship lasted 5yrs and I had to put a stop to it Feb. last year bcos my ex wouldn’t be plain with me. I have since then bin praying for my own man.I left all the runnings and finding to God and wouldn’t compromise anything to keep a man. I met a guy dis year who got seperated from is wife some months back after six months of bin married,he told me his own version of what led to the seperation.I asked if he is convinced that I am the woman for him and asked if he had ever prayed about it and he said he was convinced.Meanwhile he told me he took the name of the lady he got seperated from to his parent and the parent in turn took it to their pastor who told them they where made to be together from heaven.The lady has filed for divorce and he got to know from a relaible source that she is engaged to another guy and would be getting married soon.I have not uttered a word to him but i told him from inception not to step my door until he gets a go ahead from him.
God instituted marriage and he know the right combinations,the devil knows that a stable family life translate to a great nation void of him and he is doing everything possible to stop the union of divine conbinations. let God be ur guide and u won’t miss it in Life.If I had married my ex 3yrs back,I would have bin a victim of Psychiatric Hospital but I look back today and give God all the glory
This is a big issue i must confess as a person i can’t date or marry a divorcee but am not against it if other do, cos my own reason may not have a meaning to a lady that was once married and divorced, infact to me this marriage thing is not something a particular person knows everything about it doesn’t matter how long you’ve been married. i think is individual experience that matters. My prayer for we singles is that when is time for us to choose may the good Lord lead us right IJN Amen.
oh well, I didn’t really mind the whole idea of dating or marrying a divorcee until I got my heart shredded and I dont see myself trying it ever again. They say once bitten twice shy. Although, it doesnt mean all of them are like that but then he didnt show these signs when we were getting to know each other which was for over a year before we started dating. It was like he punished me for the sins of his ex and he seems like he is still bitter about his past. Little things will get him all moody and he would refer to wat his ex did. Abeg, I just cant handle all that drama again so for me its a NO WAY.
Nice one
i haveread all your comments with interest and i thought for the first time ever 2share my thotsi am divorced. i left the marriage even though he begged, my family threatened and his family and friends cursed me. A lot of you have mentioned God hating divorce but can i just say that with statements like that you are judging people like me and that should be left to God. some of you have mentioned working at it but it isnt that simple.
a little bit about my story. i was married for yrs, i have two kids and my problems with his family started barely two weeks into our relationship and yes i know, i still went ahead and married him,simply becuase i was distracted by other life situations, i was young and believed love would conquer all, communication will resolve a huge chunk of the issues. but the major part of the breakdown of the marriage is you cant work out issues with someone that is not present in the marriage. you cant work at a marriage when the other party lets his parents use slights and subtle tactics to undermine and humiliate you. you cant work at a marriage when the other person ridicules you for being who you are and wants you to be someone else. long story short, the mental strain, anguish and rage at the injustice of so many of the issues would have resulted in only 1outcome. my death as my countenance could no longer handle it.
the pain of divorce, the hardwork involved in raising two kids and making sure they are well adjusted kids is momentous and it is overwhelming and sometimes i ask myself should i have stayed and worked it out, should i go back but the answer is always the same. NO.
So please do not condemn me because i am divorced. do not reject me because i am divorced.
I have found that it is easier said than done to “ask questions” because like someone mentioned in an earlier response, whom do you ask? The man/woman with the previous marriage? of course you would get their version of events, which I’m pretty sure would paint them as the saint and the other party the sinner. Would you ask their friends/family? My observation is that people do not like to rock the boat (unless something seriously scandalous went down, and it was major gist at the time), and would most likely give you loosey goosey answers, or side with the party that’s their friend – i.e. your man/woman. So you essentially end up none-the-wiser.
In my opinion, folks should seek the face of God before taking any serious steps in relationships. A la Shakespeare, there is no art to find the mind’s construction in the face. Divorced or not, every human being is capable of being desparately deceitful, as well as absolutely abiding and pure, so the important thing is to be discerning. Observe their relationships – with family, with friends, with colleagues- subordinate, peer or superiors, and then listen to your gut. It is rarely wrong.