Ola Fakoya: Sex After Infidelity

Exclaimer: This article does not focus on emotional or mental recovery after infidelity. Furthermore, before you choose to have sex with a partner who has been unfaithful, make sure that you have regained back trust and are comfortable with it emotionally and mentally.

A majority of people find it difficult to have sex with their partner after they have been cheated on. This is absolutely normal. It could be because of the broken trust or because they keep imagining their partner with another person. It could even be that they start doubting their ability to satisfy their partner in bed. However, one fact is certain. You are aware your partner has been unfaithful and you have made the DECISION to remain in the relationship. Therefore, you have to tackle each aspect of having a fulfilling relationship including engaging in sexual contact. There are three stages that might aid the road to sexual recovery in a relationship.

Stage One: Start With Your Mind
As I mentioned before, you have a made a decision. Now you have to prepare your mind to follow through. You have to understand that it is not going to be easy and you might find it very challenging. Before you even attempt to have sexual contact, make sure that you are in the process of fixing the emotional and mental aspects that the infidelity caused you. If your mind is not ready, it will not even be bearable let alone enjoyable. If you’re struggling with this, remember you’re your partner is a human being. It is very important to fully understand that no one is perfect. You can also try relationship counselling or therapy. If you don’t have access to a therapist/psychologist/counsellor, a third party like a pastor or trusted impartial friend.
You also need to think of sex as a way of getting closer to your partner. It is not a duty or ploy to keep them. It is a way to be completely open with each other and lose yourselves in each other. It is a way to remember fun times and relive pleasurable moments. It might be hard for both parties to get aroused after one has been unfaithful. The person who cheated might also be feeling scared and nervous. Therefore, doing things to get aroused might be necessary. Some people find that repeated foreplay helps with this. By repeated foreplay, I mean foreplay that does not necessarily lead to sex. Weeks of just massages, kissing etc can lead to good sex eventually. Another useful tip to regain your sexual confidence is by understanding that the fault is not on you or your lack of “bedroom skills”.
Finally, don’t put pressure on yourself or partner. You have all the time in the world.

Stage Two: Communication
Arguably, the most important thing to remember is to communicate. Explain to your partner that you are struggling with the idea of intimacy because of what happened. DO NOT re-open accusations if you are trying to move on and make your relationship work. And also remember that your partner is trying to change and only wants to be with you. If your partner instigates sex and you don’t feel up to it yet even after communicating this previously, a good phrase to say is: “I’m sorry babe. I just need a bit more time.

You can also add “I would love a cuddle though” but that is if you want one.
A good thing to do is to have physical contact while saying this. Hold your partner’s hand or kiss them wherever you feel comfortable. Men who have been cheated on can find this communication aspect more difficult than women. If you have a problem saying how you are feeling, it is a good idea to write it. A note or letter can be a way of getting it out without feeling more vulnerable.

When communicating, remember that abuse is not acceptable at this stage. When you found out they cheated, you can scream all the abuse under the sun. But at this stage, no more. Refer to your partner by terms of endearment especially in the bedroom.

Stage Three: Action
The first time you have sex with your partner after they cheated, you mind will most likely be on the other person they slept with. You have to remember not to compare yourself to the other person/people. Remain in the moment. Try to enjoy being with your partner and whatever you might be doing. Some people might try to overcompensate by doing all the tricks in the world. Others might be the opposite and be so conscious of the situation, that they may do nothing at all. Just try to take things slowly. You might find that you don’t go through with it, burst out crying or even start shouting. If you experience any of these or similar, just stop and communicate as explained in the Communication stage. Gradually, it will happen. Remember to take it easy and one day at a time.

Some might be reading this thinking that they have been unfaithful. Below are just a few points to help you get through this difficult time as well.

If You Were the Unfaithful Partner
It is very important that you do all you can to show that you care. BE PATIENT as it might take a long time for them to want to reconnect sexually. However, communicate more to your partner, plan romantic escapades and make your partner happy. Remind your partner of who they fell in love with. If you can, book a holiday away together. This is the perfect time to reconnect especially away from children and stressful lives.

When you do reconnect sexually again, be very sensitive. It is very likely that your partner would be thinking about your infidelity during sex. Therefore give positive affirmations. Don’t just keep saying random things like “you’re beautiful” or “this feels nice”. Say how much you are enjoying it, say how much you LOVE your partner (if you do), say how much you appreciate that they are with you and are willing to share their body with you. This has to come from the heart, therefore you will have to think of ways to say these yourself. To sum this up, remember to go slow, be gentle and be considerate.

In conclusion, sex after infidelity is hard. However, if you are willing to make your relationship work, it is something that you will most likely have to do as a couple. Therefore, put time and effort into it like you are with all the other aspects of your relationship.

Photo Credit: tonyatko.com

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Ola Fakoya is a senior clinical Advisor and CEO of Powerrus. She is interested in the globalisation of healthcare, and is an advocate for healthy living. Powerrus is a healthcare advisory service that offers worldwide healthcare service comparison for international clients. You can follow her on Twitter @Powerrus2 or at www.powerrus.co.uk

55 Comments on Ola Fakoya: Sex After Infidelity
  • naana January 28, 2014 at 11:56 am

    hmmmmmm. not an easy task.

  • Torn January 28, 2014 at 11:57 am

    This could’nt have been posted at a better time. I am currently going through the motions with this, my partner cheated. I get so angry just thinking about it. Overall, I haven’t made the decision to stay in the relationship or leave yet but its been a rough couple of weeks since I found out. Thank you for this post, It gave me loads to think about.

    • memebaby January 29, 2014 at 1:40 am

      sis you have to leave! IMO i feel we all deserve better.. maybe you can’t give him what he’s looking for so he went to get it outside..it’s hard but you deserve way better! dude did not trip into her pussy by “accident”.. all the best

      • Teaser November 28, 2014 at 12:27 pm

        … The gender of the person above was not revealed….

  • Omotè January 28, 2014 at 12:01 pm

    Very, very informative….. infidelity has destroyed a lot of marriages, it is so hard to get back on the horse again after one descovers a partner has been unfaithful. It’s often a period where the overwhelming feelings of anger, denial, insecurity and depression have to be handled all at once.

  • Ruri January 28, 2014 at 12:04 pm

    its not easy but then again, if you dump a guy for cheating on you once, you will dump all the guys you date and before you know it you will be on guy no.10.

    • Abana January 28, 2014 at 2:08 pm

      Aaaaaaaaand so therefore? It’s this kind of thinking that make women stay with douchebags. Afterall all men cheat right? Ruri if your man cheats on you don’t dump him o. Marry him and watch him become the father of many nations in your very before.

    • memebaby January 29, 2014 at 1:42 am

      is this stereotyping that make these guys comfortable and females tolerate bs! not all guys cheat..

  • Dame January 28, 2014 at 12:18 pm

    Thank u very much BN for the post. It has been an interesting couple of years. I was in a relationship and the cheating became too much so I freed myself. However before the breakup we just couldn’t connect sexually again. Against both families wishes we agreed to part ways it became too much as I struggled to understand what kind of pussy would have made him behave that way. It must have been designer pussy and exclusive at that for him to have had a chick in atleast every state in nigeria. So I decided to lock my own imitation pussy and carry my broken soul aboard Arik air for an obligatory PHD (which I put on hold in the first place to relocate to naija and be with him) just to escape the madness. Thanks to tope the wonderful air hostess who saw me crying my life out and became my mid air counsellor. That’s how I was able to land in UK alive ooo…if not hian! Communication just couldn’t mend us oooo(I was shattered) The image of him sleeping around made sex seem incestrous. I just couldn’t cope anymore. I believe at the time he had forgotten about our journey and the sacrifices I made for us to try and build our home together. Oh well such is life. But I believe the points listed by the writer will be of help to others.Thanks bella

    • Bobosteke & Lara Bian January 28, 2014 at 1:01 pm

      A big hug to you sis.

    • lorenz January 28, 2014 at 1:29 pm

      ‘designer pussy’. LMAO!!!

    • Abana January 28, 2014 at 2:05 pm

      Oh sweetie, a big big hug to you. But I laughed real hard at designer and imitation pussy.

    • Person January 28, 2014 at 3:37 pm

      Hugs to you sis. I know exactly how you feel. Mostly, it is women here talking about how they will forgive a cheating partner. When men start forgiving their cheating partners, yall should get back to me. I cannot imagine a man sticking his dick into my pussy after he has stuck it in the whole of Nigeria. Better I don’t find out because once I do, it’s hasta la vista, baby!!! Ain’t nobody got time for that!

  • Kems January 28, 2014 at 12:22 pm

    Great article…but giving the rise in STDs at the moment, shouldnt the first step be that the unfaithful partner gets themselves tested for any sexually transmitted diseases?

    • Grown Woman January 28, 2014 at 1:05 pm

      Gbam…very true.People are still not aware of HIV chei God help us all

    • TAO January 28, 2014 at 1:35 pm

      My sentiments exactly! Be wise in your forgiveness. Ensure the unfaithful partner is tested over a period of months (how long did they say it takes for HIV to manifest).

      • Fashionista January 28, 2014 at 2:01 pm

        At the very least three months, could be longer.

    • Iris January 28, 2014 at 3:59 pm

      It’s like you were in my head. That was the first thing I noticed too – no mention about you AND your partner getting tested.

      • Iris January 28, 2014 at 4:01 pm

        You too, just in case he or she was also sleeping with you while they were cheating, and you have to do it over a period of time as it doesn’t show up immediately

    • http://www.hairmillionaire.blogspot.com January 30, 2014 at 2:39 am

      Seriously, AIDS is real, its quite scary, the whole Gabrielle Union issue just rubbed me up the wrong way, especially as someone worth millions with many endorsements, will sleep with another person and get her pregnant while on a break, from a four year relationship…I wonder which PR team he was using….God help us all!

  • Xtsy January 28, 2014 at 12:34 pm

    First things first, STD check

  • Tayo January 28, 2014 at 12:45 pm

    The important thing is to first get both party tested because the cheating partner could have picked up an infection and even passed on to their spouse. As for the person above talking about how breaking up with a man for cheating will lead to breaking up with all men since they all cheat abeg that is a big lie from the pits of hell fire . That kind of “reasoning” is what men use to get away with infidelity especially in these parts. Every human May make a mistake but not all men are serial cheats and you should value you life enough not to condone serial cheating.

  • Endo January 28, 2014 at 12:55 pm

    @ Kems, I concur! The next natural step after forgiveness is getting your spouse/ partner tested. Cases abound where spouses and partners have been infected with nasty STDs, the results of which can be life long chronic problems or worse.
    endochallenges.wordpress.com

  • Grown Woman January 28, 2014 at 12:57 pm

    lovely article…..im sorry to say this and ya’ll don’t attack me.I just can’t cope up with someone’s infedility issues as they say once a cheater always a cheater nobody got time for their cheating a** just dump em and move on.There’s no excuse for a cheating partner mxiiiuu.There are still some faithfull partners out there and please don’t give me this *everybody cheats* my two kobo lol

  • dami January 28, 2014 at 12:58 pm

    @ruri really? As for me ain’t sticking it out with no cheater, if they like they should count 20

  • always happy January 28, 2014 at 1:20 pm

    this is one sensible post for a very “real” sin the devil tempts a lot of people with which they have to overcome. Remember God is the restorer but you the parties involved must be willing to ASK and RECIEVE the healing balm to mend your broken hearts, mind and soul. This is why so often you’d hear “DIVORCE” is not a permanent solution for those who have submitted their WILL to God and not made gods of themselves. Continuous and Consistent ( C&C) Compassion and Love never fails.

  • Aibee January 28, 2014 at 1:44 pm

    I’m more concerned about picking up an STD/STI from a cheating spouse sha. After we’ve had you checked out, then we can talk about resuming conjugal relations.

  • from a cheater. January 28, 2014 at 1:55 pm

    I’ve cheated on my girlfriend a couple of times, and the truth is everytime, I feel so terrible afterwards that I don’t even want to touch her. Don’t get me wrong- I love her, but I discovered that when I cheat, it makes me more paranoid towards her. She has never found out, but I think she feels it sometimes.
    I never wanna cheat again, and I’ve been doing quite a good job at it. Not until recently, I met an old crush in church(we attended the same university), and in school we had this intense connection, but nothing ever happened. I thought we were over that phase, but we’ve been talking alot lately. In a nutshell, I think its a matter of time before it happens. The truth is, to make matters worse, my girlfriend just left naija for her masters this January, so its just me. I want to do something different for once, I don’t want to cheat for the 1 year she’ll be away. Afterall, if i don’t cheat will i die? Ah ah! Can anyone tell me how to handle this?

    • new bride January 28, 2014 at 2:15 pm

      Go for deliverance!

    • whocares January 28, 2014 at 2:18 pm

      I am curious, and not in any way trying to insult you or anything, but why do you cheat? You say you love your girlfriend, etc. Surely you know that bbing, whatsapping or connecting with this old crush or other women (communicating) will resurrect feelings that will make her more desirable? or cant you avoid being in a compromising situation with her? Am I being too simplistic, or is there something else that I, and most other women do not get? I am assuming that your relationship is good and steady (even with the everyday problems couples face as that is a part of it), and so no shades of grey to consider here.

      PS: Dame, I am sending the biggest love, and the longest prayer for strength and success your way. x

      • from a cheater. January 28, 2014 at 9:00 pm

        Thank you for the advise. I havn’t cheated in months though. The question U asked me is the same I ask myself. Believe me, it hardly ever crossed my mind recently till this other girl. I just got a whatsapp message from her now. The truth is, i wont cheat. This last few months have made me realise i really dont have to. The truth is sex with some other girl is mediocre. just needed to let it all out to someone. Thanks for the advice.

      • lorenz January 28, 2014 at 10:27 pm

        @from a cheater. I cheatede too in the past, and believe me it takes a conscious effort not to. But its very achieveable even if there’s an intrinsic part of us that always want to explore. But is the grass greener on the other side? You and I know its not. I admire your consciousness on recognising that cheating is blatantly wrong.. My chica sef no dey here, but for me I see her absence as a test to prove how strong our love really is. My gf has always been the type who wouldn’t hestitate to tell her friends that I can’t cheat on her; so I’m constantly working to achieve the beautiful perception she has of me. Its even too much of a risk to take if you really love her. Don’t believe all those your friends who tell you she might be cheating in you too. Lets face facts, they are less likely to cheat than we are. If a woman cheats on you, it mostly from an emotional stand point. If men cheat, its mostly from a physical stand point. Believe me if she keeps feeling you cheat; she doesn’t need evidence, she will too. Will you forgive her? But always remember you caused it. I’m speaking from experience.

    • whocares January 28, 2014 at 2:19 pm

      I am curious, and not in any way trying to insult you or anything, but why do you cheat? You say you love your girlfriend, etc. Surely you know that bbing, whatsapping or connecting with this old crush or other women (communicating) will resurrect feelings that will make her more desirable? or cant you avoid being in a compromising situation with her? Am I being too simplistic, or is there something else that I, and most other women do not get? I am assuming that your relationship is good and steady (even with the everyday problems couples face as that is a part of it), and so no shades of grey to consider here.

      PS: Dame, I am sending the biggest love, and the longest prayer for strength and success your way. x

    • SweetestTaboo January 28, 2014 at 2:29 pm

      How to handle it? End the relationship. Chronic cheaters such as yourself should not be in monogamous relationships. There are women out there that believe in open-relationships or that cheat. Cheaters should only date other cheaters. Of course, I am sure you won’t want to date a woman that cheats even though that is what you deserve. Problem solved abi?

      • http://www.hairmillionaire.blogspot.com January 30, 2014 at 2:47 am

        Thankyou, I really don’t understand pursuing someone that wants to be monogamous, yet you are not prepared to exercise self control, and the cheating reoccurs, so it was never a one off….

    • Jane Public January 28, 2014 at 2:56 pm

      Doesn’t The Bible say flea from temptation. You are already reasoning it out in your head. I can see your train of thought already. My dad says once you begin to reason with madness, you are already mad. In English, once you open that door, don’t question what walks in. Intense connection ko, Etisalat ni. The only thing tapping current is that thing in between your legs. Why don’t you act like MTN while she is away, don’t connect to anything or anyone. It is better not to open the door at all. Love doesn’t hurt. True love doesn’t betray. People make mistakes, is one of the most stupid of explantaions. So, the partner that was cheated on made a mistake in loving you right, or why do they deserve for you to make a mistake. You want to not cheat, then imagine your girlfriend screwing every thing that moves abroad. White, Black, Asian, Aborigine, she is screwing away. Now imagine how that feels. Reverse the action to yourself and imagine how she feels.

      • Jane Public January 28, 2014 at 6:04 pm

        flee*

    • Teaser November 28, 2014 at 12:38 pm

      Curious how you guys go to church and still thing of cheating…… This county is full of it. BTE not all men cheat ebut most do…..

  • Estelle January 28, 2014 at 2:23 pm

    One a friend got marries to this Guy, and he was constantly cheating on here…living a promiscuous lifestyle, Unluckily for him he caught HIV and as God would have it, my friend did the tests and she was Negative..lucky her, seeing that the chances of contacting HIV if one’s partner is positive is like 99%… This is just to stay, cheating is absolutely not to be tolerated…I can’t even imagine how a man will be cheating w/o condoms, putting his wife in danger. God help us

  • Kay fine January 28, 2014 at 2:26 pm

    I was once severely cheated on by an ex who I decided to forgive. Naturally, i skipped all the process listed above because I thought, if we could reconnect in the bedroom, we can forget the other woman existed and we will click again and life will be perfect. However, that sex, goes into my records as worst sex ever, I could not forget what he did and i kept weeping during the act. Dude did not even stop to console me and went on till he was done and got mad at me for killing the moment with my tears. Well, we officially broke up then!! So yeah, if you want ur cheater back, please get to the root of the problem before thinking sex is the solution to all evils.

    Great article by the way!!!

    • Iris January 28, 2014 at 4:10 pm

      “Dude did not even stop to console me and went on till he was done and got mad at me for killing the moment with my tears”
      Lord Jesus hold me back. If you know the curses upon the finances and that stupid little “pride and joy” between the legs of that pitiful excuse for a mammal that want to fly out of my mouth on your behalf…it is a new year

  • Florence January 28, 2014 at 3:55 pm

    Great article Bella Naija. I used to be in a relationship with a Chronic Cheat, he sees nothing wrong with that, his excuse, he loves being chased, and the attention he get from Ladies. I gave myself brain, and walked out of the relationship. Painful though, but it’s not worth the stress of being glued to a Cheat. God actually rewarded me with the best. I can proudly say that, my hubby is so faithful that I’m scared sef. My advise for ladies, if a guy would cheat on you, he’s not worth keeping.

  • Mama Mia!!! January 28, 2014 at 4:17 pm

    I’m no saint, but, Premarital sex is one of the major reasons men can’t seem to stop cheating, if we decide to lock up, most of dem will sit up! If after marriage he/she decides to cheat, then, your kids or whatever you share together means nothing to them. You can forgive and yet be firm…

  • Jay January 28, 2014 at 4:32 pm

    @from a cheater, people like you are the reason why I refused to have boyfriend in Nigeria before leaving for my Masters cos i can’t stand all the lies and cheating from a lot of men like you. I left naija with just a 20 percent chance of dating naija men.lol….I am so glad I did, at least I don’t have to worry about any man cheating. I worry only about my family and try to keep in touch and God blessed me with a wonderful man that i met when I arrived here and yes, my boyfriend is very focused and doesn’t cheat.
    @Dame, sending you e-hugs. Keep your head up, girlfriend. Thinking of towing your path (PhD).lol

    • from a cheater. January 28, 2014 at 9:31 pm

      Just for the record, I’m working seriously on my self . Atleast I admit I had a problem. Just so U know, I havnt cheated in months. And lemme tell u: Ur bf might not be a cheater, or he might be. Believe me, if he’s really smart, you can never ever tell. I would have told you all the signs to look out for, if a guy was cheating, but U seem so sure, so U don’t need it. Believe me everyone wants to know if their spouse is cheating; even those that say they don’t want to know. The truth is almost all women can’t tell, if a guy is good at it. Men are naturally polygamous, it takes the grace of God to take away that sinful nature, because we are just born that way. I’ve been praying about mine and engaging in other tasks as well. I know most of U will say ur boyfriend is different, but the truth is he can’t be much different from who i was(maybe probably worse, especially if he’s a really smart guy). Pray about it, coz love and faithfulness is a spiritual jorney. Its not about being arrogant in ur sayings. Maybe on second thought, ur one of those who like to believe that what you don’t know cannot kill you.

      • http://www.hairmillionaire.blogspot.com January 30, 2014 at 2:53 am

        Maybe work on being celibate first, to help with self control? I don’t know, don’t take it the wrong way, but the guilt you feel about cheating isn’t up to what other guys/ladies feel when they find they have been cheated on….thanks for being honest and shedding light on the “other side” I truly believe 90% of women know that their bf/husband has cheated and want to turn a blind eye.

      • Need to know February 16, 2014 at 12:42 am

        Thank you for being honest. Please tell how to know when the smart guys are cheating! Thank you

  • Donthavetimeforrubbish. January 28, 2014 at 11:30 pm

    when my then gf cheated on me, it is the worst thing that i ever experienced, and I learnt a lot about myself during that period…I know the person who penned this article means well, but let us be very realistic and true to ourselves, once trust is gone..It is gone for good, and there is no amount of therapy,marital/spiritual counselling.or make-up sex that can bring it back. The images simply never go away.

  • memebaby January 29, 2014 at 2:08 am

    hmmm.. Idk if my ex bf ever cheated on me.. but he constantly used to chat with girls that resided outside our country, even a different continent. did it hurt me ? yes it did because to me I was being emotionally cheated on. I could not trust him, sex was becoming a chore and was horrible so we broke it off.. so it’s not always about cheating by having sex alone.. I just pray in 2015, God sends me a nice man who FEARS God and would not want to make his princess sad.

    • Grown Woman January 29, 2014 at 6:39 am

      Men and their cheating wahala….Amen and may God answer your prayer.

    • confused February 2, 2014 at 3:52 pm

      Fear God And premarital sex in the same line?

  • QUESTION January 29, 2014 at 6:31 am

    @memebaby it will be well for you!

  • peyton January 29, 2014 at 4:43 pm

    Interesting hooking up with someone you was had something for isn’t wise. The bible says flee from all apperances of evil. Meaning if it look like it it is what it is so run run run. Stop chatting with that chic because honestly why are you chatting? Like play like play clap go soon become dance.me I cannot stand men that cheat sorry its just not me if I can keep myself so can you guess what the same blood flows through my veins and yes I also find men cute and attractive especially tall dark men. (They don’t have to be cute). I have major trust issues past experiences so once you cheat am gone.for the guy whose gf travelled out bros prayer helps am serious and a life without premarital sex also helps. Just talk to GOD like you would your friend he listens. It has helped me lots of times.

  • woman scorned January 31, 2014 at 1:20 am

    men cheat cos the sky is blue. no real reason. Find a God fearing man , if he truly fears good u have chance.

  • Mz slim February 7, 2014 at 5:44 pm

    speechless,buh av learned so much so far…praying for my own mr right too…..wish u d very best

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