A Letter to the Lover I Never Had

Dear Victor,

It’s been a long time. I hope you’re doing well. I dreamt of you again today, as I have on many days past, and I felt I should finally write you this letter.

I’m sorry things didn’t work out between us. We never even started. You were a very good man, but at the time, my heart just wasn’t ready to receive the love you offered.

I didn’t reject you, I was still holding on, hoping the feeling would grow. I didn’t want my decision to be made out of pressure or timing. I wanted to be with you because I was in love with you, deeply and genuinely, not just because I wanted to get married.

I thought about you constantly back then. I considered your proposal many times. But I also wanted to love you back before going ahead. I had known real love before, and I knew how sweet it could be. I also knew what it felt like to be in a relationship with someone I didn’t love. I felt trapped and joyless for seven long years. I didn’t want that again. That’s why I was so cautious.

So even though you brought love and warmth, I was afraid I couldn’t fully meet you there yet. But I wanted to, truly, I wanted to.

The night I asked you to come to my house, it wasn’t a game. I genuinely wanted to see you. I was starting to grow fond of you. You were beginning to take root in my heart. It wasn’t a decision to say yes that night, but it was a step forward. I see now that I handled it carelessly. And I understand why that hurt you so deeply.

You blocked me. You cut me off. And I understood.

But in the days that followed, I missed you so much. And with that missing the love came. The love you wanted from me — it finally came. It bloomed painfully and fully. I tried to find you. I called many times, but I had been blocked. I sent you a birthday message through Facebook, just to let you know I had been trying to reach you. You responded with a firm goodbye.

It felt like you were now doing to me what I had unknowingly done to you. It broke me. A friend told me to forget you, and for a while, I did. Or so I thought.

Years passed. But one day, out of nowhere, the memory of you returned with full force. The feelings flooded back.

I’m deeply sorry for how it all went, Victor. I believe it was simply bad timing. Your heart was ready, but mine was not. Maybe if I had been able to reach you, I would have begged for a chance to explain, to make amends. But that door had already been closed.

I miss what we could have been. But I also thank God for the blessings He has given you.

If it is His will, perhaps our paths may cross again, not because of what you are now, but because of who you were back then, and how you loved me when I couldn’t yet love you back

I love you sincerely, Victor.

And I always will,  even from afar.

Mii.