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The Other Woman

Glory Edozien

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I hate dogs. Never liked them and I’m unlikely to ever do so. Although, a huge percentage of my dislike for these creatures stems from fear, I’ll also be the first to admit that I find some of their habits quite disgusting! All the slobbering and drooling dogs do, leaving their thick spittle dragging for miles as they lick their owners, is something I find utterly nauseating.

Despite my deep seated dislike for these animals, there is one character trait we have in common. Loyalty. I have many faults, but loyalty is something I have had ingrained on my heart since my conception took place in my mother’s womb. Sometimes my loyalty is blind, especially when a family member is concerned. No matter how far you stretch or cut the situation, I will stick with my blood. As with all seemingly good attributes, you would expect that you are in someway compensated, that the universe in some way, seeing your pristine loyal nature would surround you with people with similar traits. This, as experience has taught me, is not necessarily the case.

Maybe it’s just me. But all my life I have wanted to meet someone who was only interested in being with me. A man whose smile beamed brightly as soon as he saw me enter a room. Someone whose eyes, heart and mind was directed only at me and who was beyond content with my best and patient with my flaws, loving me entirely for being me. I am yet to find him, but I will tell you all now, I am losing patience waiting for him but more importantly I am losing hope that he even exists.

Since I moved to Lagos, all I have found are men who are either married or men who got engaged the week before. It really is becoming ridiculous. Personally, aside from all reasonable moral arguments, I find it difficult to see myself as the other woman. I am a possessive creature and I love being the centre of my man’s attention. So how can I knowingly allow him to divide this attention between me and another or even possibly 3 or 4 others? Tufiakwa! My brain and heart would implode simultaneously! So, for my own sanity, I have decided to wait for what is mine, regardless of the length of the wait. But every once in a while, I come across a situation that threatens to tear my resolve into shreds.

Precisely one week ago, a friend of mine came over to see me with his friend, Demola. We all chatted and laughed and it really was a pleasant visit. Before they left Demola took my details and called me later on that evening. We spoke for a bit and continued to communicate throughout the week. On Friday, he suggested we meet up for drinks and I agreed. Now, I probably should say here that prior to our scheduled Friday meet, I had absolutely no interest in Demola. He wasn’t my spec in the slightest. He was short and spoke with a slight lisp, but more importantly all through our discussions he had never asked me if I was seeing anyone. That for me was a strong indication that one way or the other he had no interest in progressing our burgeoning friendship further. But during our meet, I found Demola to be quite the gentleman. Not only was he polite and sweet, he was also profoundly intelligent – something I find quite irresistible. We talked endlessly about complex ideas and ideologies and I could see he was a driven guy who took deep pride in the man he had become. I became instantly attracted to that particular quality in him. But as the night progressed, and Demola’s compliments on my looks increased, at no time did he ask if I was in a relationship. So I decided to take the plunge myself and I asked him if he was seeing anyone. True to my suspicions, he was in a long term relationship and was even thinking of proposing to his babe in the coming months. As I drove home after the date, I kept thinking to myself, so what on earth do you want with me? Don’t I resemble someone that deserves to be in a long term relationship? Abi dem write ‘sloppy seconds’ for my forehead? The more I thought about it the angrier I got!

So I did what I always do. I called my brother from another mother and narrated the whole story to him. As usual his perspective on things shocked me. “Glory, why do you always see things in black and white”, he asked me. “Just because this guy says he has a babe does not mean you can’t date him too, after all he hasn’t actually proposed to his babe. How do you know they won’t break up in a few months”. He went on to say that I need to stop dealing with guys on a ‘straight cut’ basis, because men rarely think in that way and sited numerous examples of guys who ended up marrying the ‘other woman’ even though they had been dating someone else for donkey years! I protested. I explained that not only was it unfair on the other woman, I also deserved to be more than no 2, 3 or 4. He told me I was probably the last person on earth who still thought that way and we agreed to disagree.

So I guess at the end of the day, I am at a cross roads. While, Demola and I will remain just friends, I find myself wondering if I am being unnecessarily naïve about this loyalty thing. On one hand, I am inclined to believe that regardless of the examples around me, there are still plenty rewards for patience. It’s a difficult stand to take but what is the alternative? Remain ‘miss sloppy seconds’ for the rest of my life, continually begging to receive the remnants of another woman’s left over attention and affection? God forbid! I deserve more than that! But on the other hand, I can not help but wonder what the point of sitting and waiting patiently for a bus is, when every one behind you has run ahead and entered the bus before you. What if this man with a one dimensional attention span does not exist? I may have to lay out a mat at this bus stop and build a shade to protect me from the rain! What do you guys think? Am I really the only woman left that refuses to be the other woman?

Photo Credit: www.moamblog.wordpress.com

Glory is the host and executive producer of Inspire Series, the web talk show which uses the collective stories of everyday women to inspire others. She believes women are more than hand bags, hair, make-up and other externalities and is passionate about about pursuing purpose and living above societal conformities. She is also a day dreamer, and romantic at heart who loves TV, food and family. Follow her on Twitter and Instagram @inspiredbyglory and read more from her on www.inspiredbyglory.com

157 Comments

  1. Ready

    January 24, 2011 at 12:59 pm

    Wait, there are still people who think like your friend? My eyebrows are raised to the heavens right now….why should you or any woman who has invested in herself emotionally, physically and mentally settle for being somebody’s other woman? While I agree that not everything can be viewed in terms of black and white, this should not be one of them.
    Does he have a woman? Yes. Is he breaking up with her? No. It’s as simple as that…I refuse to be strung along with my consent. That’s just foolish..and mama didn’t raise no fool. Chikena.

    http://inspiredbymypeople.blogspot.com/

    • Mo

      March 9, 2011 at 5:13 pm

      I have to agree with you 100% some things are better seen in color, but situations like thess should be black or white. No standing on the fence oh…I just feel a lot of things are wrong these days that we ”accept”….

    • my opinion

      May 21, 2013 at 5:12 pm

      I agree with you 100 percent. Glory keep it up, your man would find you and cherish you because he would realize you are a rare gem with STANDARDS. Mine found me and while i was waiting, i refused to date anyone who was married or in a relationship. Just keep the faith babe, you’ll be glad you did.

  2. nerfetiti

    January 24, 2011 at 1:05 pm

    you’re not the only one oh. however, patience pays. i’ve met the one from whose rib i was made. so keep keepin on.

  3. Gloria

    January 24, 2011 at 1:10 pm

    Hey Glory, i just said all that has being on my mind for donkey years. i always refuse to be the other woman too. its just unfair. Patience in matters like this always pays off. i’m still waiting

  4. DDQ

    January 24, 2011 at 1:10 pm

    No, definaitely not!!! moved back to Lagos about 2 yrs ago and i only just met a guy who ticks al d right boxes for me and is SINGLE a month ago…..i tell u, its like i died and woke up in relationship heaven!!!! ur man will come!!!

  5. FeistyPen

    January 24, 2011 at 1:12 pm

    Hmmmm….the matter is a long thing. There’s absolutely no justification to be the other woman. The best perspective your eyes will have is if youi have eventually landed a dream guy and then someone comes to play “the other woman” card on ur head. You’ll be so upset? Nah….you won’t be upset… You’ll just swear silently under ur breath…. and God helps that girl!

  6. Abimbola

    January 24, 2011 at 1:12 pm

    serzly…..yuh are not alone in this….I am in it with you. I tend to meet guys who want yo me the THE OTHER WOMAN POSITION but guess what….I am going to stay at that stop and build my own shade in case it rains till my bus comes!
    Hang in there babez n yuh will be the ONLY WOMAN.
    X

  7. NIRA

    January 24, 2011 at 1:16 pm

    1st? this is a first! post my write up soon. Nice article though.

  8. Neither In, nor Out.......

    January 24, 2011 at 1:22 pm

    Such scenerios do occur relatively…U meet a guy,he blows ur mind away..nxt tin u find out he’s either married or in a long term rship
    jst a couple of days ago, a friend of mine met this guy at an event who showed interest in her, after exchangin buss cards she decieded to look him up on facebook..and what did she see, this guy who happened to b d perfect gentleman was married wit a kid..so u jst neva know hw these tins play out,i suggest you pray for Gods guidiance

  9. funkola

    January 24, 2011 at 1:24 pm

    look beside you…i’ve also laid out my mat and built my shade at the bus stop.
    i’m sure there are several of us out there and though it may seem foolhardy, it’s way to go!

  10. Newbie

    January 24, 2011 at 1:25 pm

    Glory, nice piece! For one u r not the only one who thinks dis way or is ‘Miss sloppy seconds’. I am in dat kind of situatn too and have had my china broken n shattered. Hard to admit but your brother from another mother was very correct but since I am a loyal person just like you, I wonder if I can go with his advise. Just as its hard for men to change, so it is for me to change because men have proven me wrong. Despite all the hurt and anger, I will wait and still love and hard too when I meet my next.

  11. fendy

    January 24, 2011 at 1:31 pm

    Gloria…..well written

  12. Me

    January 24, 2011 at 1:37 pm

    Dear, build your shed at that bus stop incase it rains but hang on in there, your bus will surely turn up….:-)

  13. MzD

    January 24, 2011 at 1:37 pm

    Thanks Glory for this thought of yours. I feel exactly as you’ve narrated, you are not alone.

  14. chat

    January 24, 2011 at 1:38 pm

    first!

  15. dessy

    January 24, 2011 at 1:39 pm

    You are not alone. I don’t want to be ‘The Other Woman’ too, I just hope its not a foolish decision because it seems I have been waiting for so long and I am scared of lonely…

  16. Jonzing World

    January 24, 2011 at 1:39 pm

    This is all fun to read. So who are the women that are ready to snatch married men and engaged men now. Hiss because since blackberry became rampant I regret the fact my husband has one. That is where all this ladies ply their trade this days.sometimes I regret being married wonder what you all complain about.my 2cents!

    • D.O.T.M.H

      January 24, 2011 at 3:48 pm

      Woah! Pls don’t say that and please don’t make up your mind about your marriage not being worth it. That’s a terrible mentality to have. Your thoughts become your words and your words become your actions. Careful what you dwell on please

    • Ngozi

      January 26, 2011 at 3:24 pm

      JW, abeg…..don’t say u regret being married. My dear, there’s nothing u cannot work out via prayers and the grace of God.

  17. Baby

    January 24, 2011 at 1:47 pm

    Glory I totally agree with u on this one. I had a married man chase me about for months until one day I decided to sit down and have drinks with him. While having drinks, his wife called and she was insisting he told d truth about his location but of course he was still gonna lie. And wen she got off d phone, about 5 mins later he showed me ams from her dat read “i miss d man that I married, ur acting so suspicious”. After seeing dat MSG from her to him I felt sick to my stomach, I couldn’t believe that I was sitting there entertaining his advances towards me! I felt really bad for his wife and I just had to cut him right off. Nobody wants to be number 2 and I dont think there’s any explanation dat can justify dating a married man or someone that’s already in a long term relationship.

  18. FeistyPen

    January 24, 2011 at 1:55 pm

    http://www.berryfeistypen.blogspot.com

    Hang in there, babes. God is still on the throne

    • MADO

      March 23, 2011 at 10:37 am

      YOU ARE RIGHT MY SISTER,GOD IS STILL ON THE THRONE AND HE CHANGETH NOT.HOLD ON MY DEAR.

  19. T

    January 24, 2011 at 2:10 pm

    Believe me there are loads of us (fabulous black women) at the bus stop with you, so luv, you are in good company. Any guy who dates multiple women is a liar and a cheat and is seriously lacking in the integrity department. Is that the type of person you want to be with? What’s to say he won’t do the same thing to you if you start dating? The Yorubas have a saying that the stick used to chase away the first wife is still in the backyard – more often that not, it’s the truth. If he is not happy in his current relationship he should do the honourable thing and end it before going after someone else.

  20. Blackberry

    January 24, 2011 at 2:14 pm

    Nice right up Gloria, always looking forward to your posts. you are not the only one on this path. you are lucky the guy fessed up to the fact that he is in a long term relationship. imagine if he never said a word and you had to find out the hard way.

    never the less, things can change, after all we can afford to view the world in black and white, things do happen, you might just be the one he’s been waiting for and he changes his mind. (on a slightly unrelated issue) Hugh Hefner swore he would NEVER get married again despite Holly’s scheming and not s subtle nudge towards that direction, in comes crystal and the old man is singing the marriage song all of a sudden. things do happen for bizzar

    • Ready

      January 24, 2011 at 10:19 pm

      Lol…Hef as an example. Please, that old geezer just wants assurance that someone’ll be changing his diapers and cleaning his drool through the night. I doubt he’ll actually marry her.

  21. Blackberry

    January 24, 2011 at 2:16 pm

    * write up
    *conclusion – things do happen for bizarre reasons.

  22. foolish talk

    January 24, 2011 at 2:24 pm

    matters of the heart. may we not die of loneliness for taking stand. while we may need to let go of some ideals… our Nigerian men these days are a mess! BTW, Glory LOYALTY is a quality i believe others should judge. While you feel you have been loyal sticking to family you might have been disloyal to a friend.

  23. TSC

    January 24, 2011 at 2:32 pm

    Blackberry
    Nice right up Gloria, always looking forward to your posts. you are not the only one on this path. you are lucky the guy fessed up to the fact that he is in a long term relationship. imagine if he never said a word and you had to find out the hard way.never the less, things can change, after all we can afford to view the world in black and white, things do happen, you might just be the one he’s been waiting for and he changes his mind. (on a slightly unrelated issue) Hugh Hefner swore he would NEVER get married again despite Holly’s scheming and not s subtle nudge towards that direction, in comes crystal and the old man is singing the marriage song all of a sudden. things do happen for bizzar

    Huge Hefner – seriously?!! The guy is practically senile – what he says or does not count. Besides he didn’t hide his women from one another – they were happy enough with the arrangement to live under the same roof! Changing your mind isn’t wrong it’s messing with someone else’s heart that’s criminal.

  24. ziariz

    January 24, 2011 at 2:32 pm

    It’s so easy to fall into the trap of being the other woman especially when there aren’t that many choices. The important thing is that you enjoy yourself as you wait for your own, cos guess what all those girls dating married/engaged men will be paid in their own coin. @ Jonzing, I understand only too well how u feel about sharing your man cos sometimes marriage doesn’t guarantee you’ll be the only one and it tears at the heart n soul of any woman but don’t give up. God is on the throne and you can pray that your husband will flee all forms of temptation and his blackberry will fall into the toilet…lol

  25. Teris

    January 24, 2011 at 2:39 pm

    Well first off n I quote, “…But all my life I have wanted to meet someone who was only interested in being with me…”
    Really?

    Ok, I get it. You mis-positioned a word.
    Tell ur bro-from-another-mama that he is so wrong… Sweetheart give him a good scolding n lecture him on d right way to treat a woman.

    Meanwhile, hang in there. I kno from experience that to not be in a tizzy over a brother has immense rewards. You just work on urself and mind not to idle.

  26. longsufferer

    January 24, 2011 at 2:58 pm

    well…good to note i am not the only one in the world that thinks it is strange to try to date a boy that already has a girlfriend….cant do it too much energy wasted…wat are the chances he will choose you at the end….so hang in there Glory……he is just around the corner!!

    • tee

      January 24, 2011 at 3:53 pm

      i’m single, waiting for the right man but having sex with a guy in a long term relationship. i dont even understnd myself. lol. i shldnt be doing dt but it’s just sex n i dont see d need to sleep around. can i be put in d other woman category?

    • lizzy

      January 24, 2011 at 5:55 pm

      yes dear, you are in that category.

    • Ready

      January 24, 2011 at 10:23 pm

      Waiting for the right man while doing another woman’s man, hunh? You are the other woman…and karma does have its way of coming around.

    • i want a bb

      January 25, 2011 at 11:13 am

      No tee..am a vry pwitty gurl with a good job and attached and unattached guys av been commin my way. i date whoeva i want. i dont put dat into consideration.i know d kind of guy i want n wen a guy asks me out on a date i always know d type of person he is on d first date n den deceide weda to sleep with him or not.am waitin for mr right but dat dosnt mean am not gonna av fun until i see him.sisters dia is no time o.better av all d sex u can have now cos dia wuld b a time guys will no longer find u sexualy apealing even ur so called husband.also, remember in dis our society, u cant cheat wen u r married but d men can.u hardly see any man dat isnt doig it now.

    • rica

      April 1, 2011 at 1:04 am

      Sweetie, thats terrible….

  27. dami O

    January 24, 2011 at 3:48 pm

    I’m right with you on that Gloria, i once tried to be the other woman but i felt so guilty that i had to quit while it was still fresh! and also i seriously do not like the idea of sharing my man with another woman/women!

  28. maryjane

    January 24, 2011 at 4:27 pm

    did someone tell you my story.my friends say i m too uptight for this our generation but i m hoping God will reward me for my loyalty and patience.i m nt even dating cos i m waiting for my own MAN! EMMANUEL-GOD IS WITH US!

    • lizzy

      January 24, 2011 at 5:56 pm

      so in ur shoes. Strongly believing that our God will surprise us and every one else who’s trying to keep the faith

  29. Purpleicious babe

    January 24, 2011 at 4:31 pm

    I will say, keep ON keeping on. Keep doing whatever it is you consider right because your emotions are so important. If you think about it logically, you know it does not feel right, if you think about it morally, it sounds even worse and if you think about in other aspects such as finance, emotions, committments, needs etc. You will definately come to realise its not worth it all, being the 2nd best or at least the 2nd choice. I would say busy yourself with things that are accountable and worth it, and when he does come, you will be his world. This is because you will be exeptional in different ways. I believed a guy outthere was different and he came and he was totally on point. Keep keeping on, besides, guys are not all that great, really they are humans beings and most of them lack understanding. I am invloved with one who will never never be man to ack like man. But he is man enough to cater for all my needs and more. Stick with GOD. trust, it maybe all preaching but in the end, one can get married to the special one today and dies tomorrow. What will you do? NOTHING really, nothing can bring the dead back unless it is God will.

    Finally, i hate to judge men that are married or in a long-term relationship but fail to exercise long-term commitments with their spouses or partners. There are various issues that will has contributed to that. But, I believe men that are actually in a happy marriage/relationship and are cheating needs help not only because he is confused as an individual but he is not taking his place as man. Instead of looking for an easy way out, deal with it and keep dealing with it until you make a decision to find a solution to the problem.

    Finally, in all that you do pray for wisdom…. nothing is better than understanding many things that others fail to see or recognise. Before you wish for that great guy, make sure you are EXECPTIONAL yourself. MAKE IT EVEN.

  30. lolade

    January 24, 2011 at 4:51 pm

    No way Glory. You know the delusion that taking such stands make us feel, because we are not as chitty chatty as the other set of girls who belong to the other side of the divide, we tend to feel we are in the minority. Even if we are a minority, we find strength by sharing our feelings with one another. There’s everything wrong with being the other woman. No woman should opt for it unless of course you’re married as a second, third or fourth wife already. So long as he’s yet to put a ring on it, we should NEVER belittle or cheapen ourselves to being the other woman. It’s a lot of hard work I know. Trust me it is. But I’d rather be my No 1 single than be your No 2 woman. Period!

  31. Jasmine

    January 24, 2011 at 4:52 pm

    Nice one Gloria…u brought the words and thoughts of so many women to life.a lot of guys think they just Smart…weLl I’m right beside u @ d busttop ☺

  32. ForeverYoung

    January 24, 2011 at 4:53 pm

    Glory,
    Yoruba ppl say and I talk am, that if u wan chop frog..chop the one wey dey pregnant with eggs. In other words if u wan be the other woman, at least let there be an incentive.I mean if Demola had bill gates money, tyson beckford looks and will smith’s humor u can be woman number 30 4 all u care, at least dat way u go know say na wetin u wan chop kill u, meaning there are so many things u stand to gain, a maserati maybe, or lots of compliments dat ur boo looks oo so good. But if una dey hussle for someone who is just average or less than average, then my sister at this point I say this situation is in need of serious divine intervention. 40 days fasting and prayer with rolling on the mountain top for God to work a miracle..(..and i’m very serious).
    As u can see the competition is stiff out there, even ur average demola is hot cake, so therefore u need to do the unusual to get the unusual man u so desire, and YES, u can still find the man with most of d qualities u listed, trust me.

  33. g5

    January 24, 2011 at 5:05 pm

    me too gloria, wen i just came into lagos, i was gettin advances frm diff men, but gues wat? they all had thier major madam n kept givin silly reasons like, i dnt tink i”ll marry her or the relationship is almost over. i hanged on for abt a month waitin for one of them whom i actually fancied to break up wit his madam but gues wat, he couldnt and just like dat i laid in d bus stop waitin for my own bus, and yeah, i have him now and he loves me like am the only girl in the world.

  34. Kike

    January 24, 2011 at 5:25 pm

    Trust me guys, trust me….I know this for defos….wait for ur own man!! He will come, just hang in there…I just met the man of my dreams, I’m still waiting for someone to pinch me awake!,

  35. babe

    January 24, 2011 at 5:43 pm

    My own question is : where are all those girls that sleep with married men?? ehn?? because there are loads of them around. everyone seems to be sating they are “waiting”. only one girl actually confessed to sleeping with a man thats in a long term relationship…advice to that girl @ tee: when you too enter your own relationship, dont be mad when another girl is screwing ur boyfriend. afterall its just sex right? plus she also might not want to sleep around.

    Look, what goes around comes around. do it to someone, it will happen to you simples.

    And also, why is it that women go on about finding the right man, loneliness bla bla bla…my friend you people should go and do something else abeg….i mean, look around you, so much saving the world to do…maybe while you are doing that “mr Right” might pop by…best part is it happens when you aint evem looking…SO STOP SEARCHING.

    • tee

      January 25, 2011 at 12:55 pm

      I was only being honest. Some ppl come here and try to be the all innocent and squirky clean. I have made up my mind not to do it anymore, although it’s no thanks to u guys. I have always bilived my own man will come, i guess it’s time to get busy with things that are worthwhile while waiting. Thanks for this piece Glory.

  36. ochella

    January 24, 2011 at 6:31 pm

    The title of OTHER WOMAN is disastrous.
    You would always be uncertain, you would always have it at the back of your mind that he would leave you for the next OTHER WOMAN.
    Hold on God will reward you and every lady who finds herself in a situation like this(which includes me) with a great guy.

  37. Ada

    January 24, 2011 at 6:39 pm

    Nice article, as always Glory. Usually when I read any of your articles, I minimise the page and forget about it promptly. But after reading THIS one, I can’t help but comment.
    I’ve been The Other Woman before. I was stupid enough to fall – or so I thought at the time – for a co-worker who was engaged. Luckily, I snapped out of it before I could do anything even more stupid but the experience was the proverbial eye opener.
    Being The Other Woman sucks. It’s not worth it. Recently, I bumped into him, his wife and his daughter in a supermarket and I felt sick. I don’t know what saddened me more – his soft belly, the fact that I wondered what I ever saw in him or his somewhat cute family. What I did was wrong; now I know that for sure.
    The problem with a lot of young Nigerian women is that we’re obsessed with marriage. No matter how accomplished we may be in our careers or other endeavours, we still feel that we aren’t ‘complete’ unless there is a man beside us. Society, of course, is always there to rub it in. People will always talk. Trust me; it doesn’t end when you get married. When you do, they’ll ask you when you’re going to have a child. If you have a son they’ll ask you when you’re going to have a daughter and vice versa, or why you enrolled them in Chrisland instead of BIS, or why you named your son Chike instead of Agwoturumbe in honour of your great grandfather, the legendary medicine man. I call such people “The Watchers”.
    Whenever I read your articles I get the impression that you’re an intelligent, well educated young woman. Although I understand how it feels to be lonely and the pressure that comes from being single, I know that marriage isn’t everything. Any married female friend of yours who is honest will tell you this for free. So don’t be fooled.
    My point? Relax. Enjoy your single years. Trust me, there are million and one things you won’t be able to do when you get married. Enjoy your freedom now. Travel, learn a new language, take up a new hobby, continue to excel in your professional life, whatever. The man will find you. You’d be surprised that the minute you take your mind off love, men and relationships, the man who’ll make you his Queen will show up.
    Oh, and another thing. Please stop talking about relationships and marriage often. It’s hard, I know, especially when you get together with your girlfriends. Tell them you don’t want to know whose status went from ‘It’s Complicated’ to ‘Engaged’ on Facebook or who chose cerulean blue swiss lace with an asymmetrical pattern for her aso ebi or whose wedding story got over a thousand comments on BellaNaija. There are a million and one other interesting things to talk about.
    Please don’t have an affair with a married man. Yes, black and white aren’t the only colours in the world. There are other shades in between. However some things are wrong and clearly, this is one of them. A few years ago, my cousin got pregnant for her married lover. She was the last person anyone expected to do that – she’s very ‘God fearing’, ‘decent’, ‘respectful’ and any other praise-singing adjective you’d use to describe a ‘good girl’ – but she did. Today she’s raising her son without his support while he lives with his ‘real’ family.
    Don’t let this be your story. Good luck, girl.

    • reallyangry

      January 25, 2011 at 12:22 am

      Wow! Triple GBAM!!!

    • mary007

      January 25, 2011 at 4:49 am

      Nice reply Ada but on another note I am all for Glory expressing how she feels about being single one million times-its good therapy, it makes other single ladies in the same position know they are not alone. As for the other woman they are plentiful

    • Teris

      January 25, 2011 at 6:44 pm

      Madam, you have said it!
      Shi’kenan. Khalas.

    • Ngozi

      January 26, 2011 at 3:31 pm

      Nice one….soo very true all of this…

    • amaka

      March 17, 2011 at 10:32 pm

      hi @ ada. really like your post “agwoturumbe the great medicine man” indeed. that is so true, society and indeed families make it seem like marriage is the next best thing since sliced bread. but then again, the human psyche seeks companionship and even the bible (if you’re a Christian) says God made a partner for Adam cos he shouldn’t be alone, so i understand where they are coming from. They shouldn”t put a time frame on it though.
      Now, I digress, ijust wanted to say i enjoyed your article and agree with your advice
      cheers

  38. luscious lush

    January 24, 2011 at 6:39 pm

    Yes oo! Definitely pitching my tent waiting for my own #1 man…but whilst I wait for him to arrive d loneliness is seriously chewing at me!!☹
    Ts nice tho to know that I’m not d only 1 feelin this way…cos nowadays it seems like d only guys who toast me R either married or looking for an “Uncommitted relationship” which is utterly depressing!
    Well enough of my sappy story! *Thumbs up* @ Glory!

  39. Amah

    January 24, 2011 at 7:17 pm

    Well said Gloria! it happened to me, I walked away the moment I found out I was woman number two. It hurt ofcourse,but with grace and lots of determination,I got over him. Yes,I still miss him a lot,but the peace I feel right now was worth everything!

  40. Feelitx

    January 24, 2011 at 7:30 pm

    You will need to look inside you. Maybe you are looking for the perfect man. Perfection belongs to God.

  41. Grace

    January 24, 2011 at 8:53 pm

    Im going to be honest…we are all saying we will wait…..but lets be HONEST….If you randomly pick 10 young men who are old enough for marriage, 2 are secretly gay, 5 are still trying to get their lives together and the remaining 3 have multiple girlfriends.
    I have invested in different “bullets” & “rabbits” & 1 or 2 “friends with benefits” but I need real companionship. Where are the good men?
    I am well educated, christian, nice looking, independent and I am good in the kitchen & in bed…..Why am i still single??
    Dont blame me if a nice guy starts to pay attention to me…..one day, i wont care if he has someone or not! Im just being honest!!!

    • iJustcant

      February 4, 2011 at 1:53 am

      But honey, you will still be single. The #2 woman is always single. On birthdays, holidays and special ocassions, he will not be there to celebrate with you. He will be with his main. You will just be his therapist and sex partner on the side. When he feels guilty, he will leave and go back to her leaving you heart-broken. I think you should rethink that last sentence sis.

  42. peaches & coconuts

    January 24, 2011 at 9:21 pm

    I love shoes but waiting for the other to drop is the part I hate about them.
    I wish there were some way I could avoid that way of thinking, but sometimes your past does have a way of messing with your future.
    I’m not looking for perfection, just a good match – the right to my left, the flip to my flop.
    Cuz when the shoe fits, nothing feels better.
    And its true that you may have to try on many pairs before you find which to invest in.
    And it is an investment.

    Or at least should be.

    Shopping at jankara market,you shouldn’t be too surprised when the shoe falls apart.
    Buying shoes because they were on sale, because you were having a bad day, without trying them on will usually lead to regret.
    And you should never regret a shoe.

    Shoes make you feel good and look good.
    They can change your mood and your body.
    They can change how you see and present yourself.
    (There is a reason why they say to always put your best foot forward)

    So is it no wonder that every girl is in search of the perfect shoe?
    That we see each other as competition rather than someone who could help us find the right size?
    Which is sad, because isn’t one of the best part of shoes is that one size doesn’t fit all?
    That there is truly a match for everyone?

    Sure there is disappointment when you see a shoe of beauty, but it doesn’t fit or its not in your size.
    But perhaps it didn’t fit your budget or would have caused you more pain in the end.
    And if there is one thing we’ve all done, is worn/bought a pair of shoes that didn’t fit.
    Knowing fully well it wouldn’t get better down the road.
    Convincing ourselves that it could.
    Or that it would.

    If only we tell in advance those flats cut, the heels break, the upper doesn’t stretch before we open up our…wallets. We could save ourselves some pain and heartache.

    But then there are the hidden gems.
    The sale shoe everyone overlooked.
    The fave pair, go-to pumps that would never let you down.
    The shoe you’ve repaired and put more money into than when you originally bought it.
    The shoe that goes with everything.
    The shoe that makes someone stop you and say: what a great match!
    Those are the shoes we should be wearing.

    They are the shoes who will stand with you, help you stay tall, keep you grounded, pointy in the right direction and well rounded, walk with you, run away with you, help you jump and soar.
    They will support and keep you warm.
    They will protect you from the storm.
    They are good right down to the sole and up to your soul.

    Don’t forget you have to take care of your shoes, if they are going to take care of you.
    Protect them, appreciate them for what they can and cannot do.
    After all, shoes is only one part of the outfit.

    Maybe the Cinderella had it right, leaving a shoe behind so that instead of looking for it, it finds you.
    And when it does, it may not be a seamless fit right away, like it is in the fairy tales.
    You might need some time to become comfortable with it.
    And there is nothing wrong with that.

    Just remember, that if the shoe fits: you must wear it
    Wear it well.
    Wear it with pride.
    Wear it with love.

    (A modified version of something me friend wrote. Thought it very apt).

    • partyrider

      January 25, 2011 at 9:27 am

      great piece..am saving it.

    • lizzy

      January 25, 2011 at 5:37 pm

      Really nice. Your friend’s got gift.

    • Miss Scotch

      February 1, 2011 at 11:09 pm

      Absolutely brilliant write up, me like!

  43. Nneka

    January 24, 2011 at 9:23 pm

    Glory don’t even think about it. It’s not an emotional trip worth taking. Talk about going from “reasonable and well-mannered” to “covetous”, “selfish” and “insensitive”.

    At the end, you still loose.

    Read
    http://www.bellanaija.com/2010/06/24/the-insanity-of-fatal-attraction/

  44. K!

    January 24, 2011 at 9:38 pm

    Gbam! Well said. Am sure that reflects the thoughts of a lot of women here even though some don’t have the courage to put it the way you did.

    By the way, this your advertising too much ooo. You can drop me a line here so we can take it from there

  45. mute

    January 24, 2011 at 10:08 pm

    I really wonder if there is ever a guy with a one dimension attention span but there are just that they are very few. My sister, patience is a virtue, enjoy your spinsterhood, you would crave it when married. I think women who settle for being the other woman are stupid. There is just no way to rationalize the gesture.

  46. marvel

    January 24, 2011 at 10:12 pm

    I find it a bit weird to hear grown – women talking about ‘waiting at the bus stop’ or some stupid shade.. If you want a beautiful dress, you will shop online, go to a boutique, buy magazines, listen to your friends, look at other women at church, parties, function so if only married men ask you out, it is only you that knows why you are always in the midst of them. There are a number of single men in the WORLD not just in Nigeria. Sit up ladies and stop waiting. Shine your eyes. What is all this?

    • shade

      January 25, 2011 at 7:27 pm

      You know!

  47. OLA KAMSON

    January 24, 2011 at 10:19 pm

    Loyalty is a trait that honestly says a lot about a person. I am one of those loyalty advocates BUT i will admit that majority of people do not see things that way. Any man that will seek you as side piece is not a good person NO MATTER WHAT. At first i made excuses for such men because of how close to home some of these situations are ( seriously some of our brothers and fathers who we think the world of do the same thing)but to be REAL, if u are not happy with who you are with, do not be a coward and disrespect her, simply leave and freedom will be yours. Most times these men in search of a side dish have great women at home. IT IS THE EXCEPTION to the norm that the woman is the actual problem. I am sure within my self that if anyone throws a stone at another woman’s marriage, expect a ROCK in yours. LOVE THE WRITE UP.. TRULY GOOD STUFF

  48. K!

    January 24, 2011 at 10:30 pm

    peaches & coconuts
    I love shoes but waiting for the other to drop is the part I hate about them. I wish there were some way I could avoid that way of thinking, but sometimes your past does have a way of messing with your future. I’m not looking for perfection, just a good match – the right to my left, the flip to my flop. Cuz when the shoe fits, nothing feels better. And its true that you may have to try on many pairs before you find which to invest in. And it is an investment.Or at least should be.Shopping at jankara market,you shouldn’t be too surprised when the shoe falls apart. Buying shoes because they were on sale, because you were having a bad day, without trying them on will usually lead to regret. And you should never regret a shoe.Shoes make you feel good and look good. They can change your mood and your body. They can change how you see and present yourself. (There is a reason why they say to always put your best foot forward)So is it no wonder that every girl is in search of the perfect shoe? That we see each other as competition rather than someone who could help us find the right size? Which is sad, because isn’t one of the best part of shoes is that one size doesn’t fit all? That there is truly a match for everyone?Sure there is disappointment when you see a shoe of beauty, but it doesn’t fit or its not in your size. But perhaps it didn’t fit your budget or would have caused you more pain in the end. And if there is one thing we’ve all done, is worn/bought a pair of shoes that didn’t fit. Knowing fully well it wouldn’t get better down the road. Convincing ourselves that it could. Or that it would.If only we tell in advance those flats cut, the heels break, the upper doesn’t stretch before we open up our…wallets. We could save ourselves some pain and heartache.But then there are the hidden gems. The sale shoe everyone overlooked. The fave pair, go-to pumps that would never let you down. The shoe you’ve repaired and put more money into than when you originally bought it. The shoe that goes with everything. The shoe that makes someone stop you and say: what a great match! Those are the shoes we should be wearing.They are the shoes who will stand with you, help you stay tall, keep you grounded, pointy in the right direction and well rounded, walk with you, run away with you, help you jump and soar. They will support and keep you warm. They will protect you from the storm. They are good right down to the sole and up to your soul.Don’t forget you have to take care of your shoes, if they are going to take care of you. Protect them, appreciate them for what they can and cannot do. After all, shoes is only one part of the outfit.Maybe the Cinderella had it right, leaving a shoe behind so that instead of looking for it, it finds you. And when it does, it may not be a seamless fit right away, like it is in the fairy tales. You might need some time to become comfortable with it. And there is nothing wrong with that.Just remember, that if the shoe fits: you must wear it Wear it well. Wear it with pride. Wear it with love.(A modified version of something me friend wrote. Thought it very apt).

    Best stuff I’ve read all day! So on point. Am definitely saving this.

  49. Lil miss sunshine

    January 24, 2011 at 11:49 pm

    @ Grace you make a solid point, some folks aren’t been honest here.They all talk about waiting for Prince charming to show up ,hmm easier said than done. Next thing u know, your biological clock is ticking from a hundred miles away.

  50. Chibaby

    January 25, 2011 at 12:39 am

    Here is my take on this article. You are single, he is single(aka he is not married). You can date him but you don’t have to sleep with him. dating is a friendly way to get to know somebody and learn things about yourself as well. Just because you are dating him doesn’t mean you can’t date another. You are fine to go out on dates and talk to many guys. As long as non of them have stepped up to ask your hand in marriage(babe you can still have your dating fun). Girl not every relationship (dating, girlfriend/boyfriend, engaged) ends up in marriage.
    I think you need to go out more and talk to more guys(non-married guys). All the guys u find attractive may not find you attractive. All the guys u find attractive may not end up being the guy you end up with in marriage. Yours will come.
    We women need to stop worrying about marriages and live our lives.

    That the guy went out on a date with you doesn’t mean he wants you as sloppy 2nd. He probably just want friendship; he probably saw something in. Even though he is thinking about popping the question to somebody else; you dear, might be the right bone to his ribs. I’m just saying, God’s ways are misterious. Don’t go and latch your mentality to how things should be. Let it be. Live your life; all that matters is knowing who you are and believing in the best in you.

    PS— Dating married men is not the same as the situation presented above. I think is disrespectful when a married man chases a single woman. If you say yes, you are messing with someone’s marriage.

    • Miss T

      February 7, 2011 at 7:59 am

      uhm, let’s say you were the woman and Gloria the one dating your “man”…can you honestly tell me you would be okay with that?

    • God's annointed

      May 26, 2011 at 7:03 pm

      Hmmmm, the only thing i agree with is that God’s ways are mysterious. However i think i know Him fairly well to know that He will not give you someone else’s boyfriend, even though that person is God’s chosen for you. The right thing to do if the guy wants to date you is to break up with his girlfriend, and then develop a relationship with you. Thats the respectable and unselfish thing to do. Dating more than one person at all is a very selfish and self centered thing to do, and people like that should be avoided like the plague. He is only thinking of himself and is showing you no respect what so ever.So he is dating 10 girls at a time to decide who to marry?

  51. Justsaying

    January 25, 2011 at 1:13 am

    babe
    My own question is : where are all those girls that sleep with married men?? ehn?? because there are loads of them around. everyone seems to be sating they are “waiting”. only one girl actually confessed to sleeping with a man thats in a long term relationship…advice to that girl @ tee: when you too enter your own relationship, dont be mad when another girl is screwing ur boyfriend. afterall its just sex right? plus she also might not want to sleep around.
    Look, what goes around comes around. do it to someone, it will happen to you simples.
    And also, why is it that women go on about finding the right man, loneliness bla bla bla…my friend you people should go and do something else abeg….i mean, look around you, so much saving the world to do…maybe while you are doing that “mr Right” might pop by…best part is it happens when you aint evem looking…SO STOP SEARCHING.

    God Bless you! You spoke my mind. Why are Naija women so desperate? Maybe it is the culture? There is so much to be done in life and all they think about is relationships, how to reproduce like rabbits abi na guinea pigs and then that is it! Go and see women single and married making a difference in advanced societies and you people are here bemoaning about single status. Stay they and go through life unhappy all because you are not married.Goodness gracious, i just do not get it with you people. Honestly!

    • lizzy

      January 25, 2011 at 5:48 pm

      So tell me, Isn’t Glory gainfully employed? Why do you people just love to run your mouths. No sane lady is sitting idle and waiting for a man to take care of her. People are just stating the obvious here please and if its not happening to you then, good for you.

  52. Ene

    January 25, 2011 at 1:31 am

    @babe , tell them. Whoever sleeps with a married man will surely pay when they are married [email protected], u crack mr up so hard but girl u are sure saying nothing but the truth. We the maried ones can sure say that getting married is very easy, staying married takes the grace of God. Seek yeah first the kingdom of God, and everything other thing will be added unto u.

  53. Jenifa

    January 25, 2011 at 3:55 am

    What you sow is what you reap. If u start out with a man as the other woman, he will cheat on you without remorse or the slightest concern about how you will feel about it. You show others how to treat you by virtue of how you treat yourself.

  54. too much grammar

    January 25, 2011 at 3:58 am

    Gloria, its a dog eat dog world that we live in o. All this one is long grammar, no1 is going to come and plan your own life for you. If you want to marry as much as you talk about it, you need to stop frontin, start planning and claim your blessings instead of letting them go.

    example; like the man that came to your job but you never approached him because a man should make the move first???. …remember him? good!

    I have read a few of your write ups and its always about how you let one guy go because he brushes his hair with toothpick instead of comb, or how one talks too much or he does this or doesn’t do that. All this pickiness will only lead you to writing more blogs. God will not come down from heaven and do it for you. He will present you with opportunities but its up to you to pray for wisdom to know. Yes, God’s blessings many times do not come in shinny or expected packages.

    Now, I am not saying you should be sleeping with married toasters or men that has made a promise to marry a woman. But I am sure you are smarter than all this na, wake up and smell the coffee before its too late and stop seating down and expecting a perfect man to just find your address and show up. All these people camping at bus stops waiting, are you sure you aren’t waiting for the 2020 buses that hasn’t even been sketched yet? I am sure not all the buses that keeps passing you by are claimed already (as in married).

  55. Elle

    January 25, 2011 at 4:19 am

    Screw the guy’s woman, she can take care of herself. And I choose to take care of me… however, I’m not interested in second fiddle. Funny, Men know exactly what they are doing.. he told you he was dating someone and he’s left it entirely in your court. If you take the bait, he owes you nothing more… he’ll eat his cake and have it.

  56. Jack

    January 25, 2011 at 7:25 am

    It was all smiles and a long sigh for me, as I scrolled through the petty rants of Nigerian women on how they don’t wanna be “the other woman”.

    Lord, I just love it when women are miserable in their dating lives *not relationships* 🙂 (let me clear that up, I hate when women are abused -verbally or physically), or else how are they gonna appreciate the good men?
    Nice guys finish last, and only the down to earth clever women snatch-up these dudes before women with laundry lists of requirements even discover that such men existed. Hence such exclamations – Where were you all my life?!, Why aren’t other men like you?!, Your wife must be one lucky woman! a.k.a. I (secretly) envy your wife! Haha!
    Women, try to be as realistic as possible. You all are just about the same in number as men, on earth.. but as you go up the male food/dating chain, the curve becomes skewed.
    So, for those of you still waiting at the bus stop for the right bus (probably even missed it long ago), don’t forget to construct a bed, and add doors and windows to the shed you built.

    *Yawns*, Well, least I can say is “good luck, ladies”.

    • lizzy

      January 25, 2011 at 5:57 pm

      You’re not serious……[email protected] fixing beds, doors and windows. Very funny.

  57. babe

    January 25, 2011 at 9:05 am

    A lot of women complain about being single, being the side piece, meeting men who do not want committed relationships and so on. but women, have you asked yourself why you attract such men?

    i was in lagos this christmas and i am sorry to say, the moral values of a lot of nigerian girls is close to non existent. the sort of things they settle for, their mentality, the way the carry themselves..thir behaviour and so on was very distasteful. if i was a guy, i certainly would never settle for that. i believe you attract what you are. its not about being well educated, independent, beautiful bla bla bla that gets you a man. you need to spend time with yourself refecting on some things that need to be changed. how can you attract the best of them out there if you are simple average? then again it depends on what you are looking for.

    for those of you that sleep with a man and expect him to commit ill say this : why should anyone buy the cow when they are getting the milk for free?

    WOmen need to stop going on about this single bullshit. spend time in making yourself become what any man would want to spend the rest of their lives with..whatever that is. a lot of Nigerian men are very dodgy, TRUE…but there are a lot of good ones out there. all depends on where you are looking…they certainly aint in REHAB thats for sure.

  58. Linda

    January 25, 2011 at 9:46 am

    Great article, Glory.
    @ Ada, your reply is totally on point. I agree with you. Most times going on and on about being single or listening to exaggerated stories about other women’s supposedly great love lives will only make you feel inadequate, as though you’re lacking something; as opposed to reminding you to be thankful for what you have. We are all blessed in so many different ways.

    • judith

      January 25, 2011 at 1:07 pm

      trueeeeeeee talk.

  59. Den

    January 25, 2011 at 10:49 am

    Beautiful write up Glory, i just quit been the other woman last Christmas.Its difficult especially with a single guy,especially when he spends all his time with you. Its really difficult.I have moved on, wats more important to me now is my happiness because i was almost going insane. I am living my life now.Being the other woman is really insane.

  60. Me

    January 25, 2011 at 11:07 am

    ziariz
    It’s so easy to fall into the trap of being the other woman especially when there aren’t that many choices. The important thing is that you enjoy yourself as you wait for your own, cos guess what all those girls dating married/engaged men will be paid in their own coin. @ Jonzing, I understand only too well how u feel about sharing your man cos sometimes marriage doesn’t guarantee you’ll be the only one and it tears at the heart n soul of any woman but don’t give up. God is on the throne and you can pray that your husband will flee all forms of temptation and his blackberry will fall into the toilet…lol

    Yes Amen, his blackberry will fall into the toilet….lol

  61. sassycassie

    January 25, 2011 at 11:08 am

    1)karma is a bad bitch and a half!!!n any male friend that encourages you to mess with someone who’s married or dating someone or engaged is not a good friend and does not have your best interests at heart “brother from another mother or not”.

    2) dont believe the hype! not all man are trifling bastards going around seeking for equally trifling females to cheat with!There are good men out there. trust me! if you work on yourself and put you trust in God, He will find you!!

    3) i’m sick and tired of women putting their lives on hold talking ’bout “i’m lonely,i’m this i’m that”. get a life,ladies! desperation aint cute; men smell that ish from afar and the evil ones will not hesitate to use it to their advantage. GET A LIFE!! gather a group of girlfriends and visit cape verde or tour eastern africa…expand your cooking repetoire…learn a new language…learn a new computer software…visit museums…tour nigeria…learn salsa or samba or austrian waltz…join a gym lose weight…read books…look for new legit and wholesome ways to make more..get involved with charity work..join habitat for humanity or heal the world…expand your horizons!! make urself interesting and worthy to be wooed and courted by equally worthy and interesting men.
    Stop wasting your lives, and cheapening and whroing yourselves with men who have spouses and girlfriends and fiancees just to feel among and get small change!!!

    Have some dignity and self-pride and get a frigging life,ladies!!!!!!

  62. i want a bb

    January 25, 2011 at 11:08 am

    am a vry pwitty gurl with a good job and attached and unattached guys av been commin my way. i date whoeva i want. i dont put dat into consideration.i know d kind of guy i want n wen a guy asks me out on a date i always know d type of person he is on d first date n den deceide weda to sleep with him or not.am waitin for mr right but dat dosnt mean am not gonna av fun until i see him.sisters dia is no time o.better av all d sex u can have now cos dia wuld b a time guys will no longer find u sexualy apealing even ur so called husband.also, remember in dis our society, u cant cheat wen u r married but d men can.u hardly see any man dat isnt doig it now.

  63. sassycassie

    January 25, 2011 at 11:14 am

    oh and be proactive!! libraries,seminars,workshops,conferences,weddings,birthday parties are always good places to meet men!
    take good care of your appearance. eat right,workout,dress nice slutty is not cute!! and smile ladies.smile!!

  64. semsii

    January 25, 2011 at 11:43 am

    preach onnnn!!!!!!

  65. Lenny

    January 25, 2011 at 12:42 pm

    Hmmmmm…there is a single man for every single ladies out there that i know becos delay is not denial.my sisters out there under the shade keep having faith in God and He will surprise u when u least expect it.God is merciful,those of my sisters that admitted being the other woman should ask for His mercies and wait for their own man.

  66. judith

    January 25, 2011 at 12:48 pm

    patience they say is a virtue……………wait my dear check on d other side of the bus stop u wld c mi there 2 waiting.

  67. Ziariz

    January 25, 2011 at 1:51 pm

    @Grace, i understand your frustration, hence your rant about we shouldn’t blame you if a man starts paying attention to you, you won’t care if he has someone or not…but my dear..you should realise that life has a way of paying you back in your own coin. Always think of the other woman. Put yourself in her shoes, just imagine your husband doing the same thing to a random girl… when you r at home, doing his laundry n raising the kids..i just wish girls would just do unto others as tehy want others to do unto them, only then will men stop cheating on their wives/girlfriends. I am not a saint….but i always have that concept at the back of my head. Cos i know one day i will get married..its just a matter of time, so don’t sell yourself short..and my dear..marriage ain’t all that…its this society that exalts it so much..but men are so smart, they don’t exalt it the way women do…and so they have fun while they “wait”…

  68. Anike

    January 25, 2011 at 6:38 pm

    Glory, its all about you. Its about your principles, your values & orientation. From the above article, it could be concluded that those are firmly in place. As far as being the other woman is concerned, its a no-no. And rightly so.

    However, i will disagree with almost all of the above except for Chibaby(ur first commenter). She has very valid points. This dude has not asked you to be the other woman..yet. And there’s no reason to conclude he ever would. “Just cos you look a car over doesnt mean you are gonna buy it” (Pardon my crudeness). And with your sense of orientation, should he do that, i have no doubt of what the answer would be despite the fact that you’ve stated you were intellectually attracted to him.

    Its all about your heart though. Do you wear it easily on your sleeves? If you do, then pls by all means, do not be friends with a man in a relationship or a married man for that matter. But, if you are like me, with your heart safely hidden away from all vultures & wolves that would prey and can see thru most of the BS that spew from the mouths of some men, then, you are pretty much safe even from your emotions.

    I am in my 30’s. Single (although recently engaged) & I am a Lagosian & believe me when i say i have seen it all.

    I totally disagree with ur male friend and his male “perspective”. That kinda thinking is guaranteed to get you into trouble…waiting for him to maybe change his mind about a girl he wants to ‘pop’ the question to? That is so wrong. Kindly ignore your friend. He was responding to you with his testosterone. Not at all in your best interest.

    I do agree with him though, don’t cut off the friendship just cos he is in a relationship. You just have to know where to draw your lines.

    Men are silly creatures. If you do decide to continue to be friends with him, months or even weeks down the line, be sure that he will ‘try his luck’. But, like i said, its all about you. You do deserve way more than to be the other woman.

    I cannot count the countless times i had gone through the same situation. I even once met a guy who was gonna pop his question to his gf in a few weeks from when i met him. I kept an open mind & maintained pure-platonic friendship. He was kinda my hero. Being friends with a girl-me & loving his gf. 3months down the line, this dude whom i admired & admired his relationship was changing his mind and decided it was me he wanted to pop his question to. I lost my respect for him & cant ever regain it back.

    The point is, Men will be men. You don’t really have to be the one to put yourself in any situation. Some are jsut silly. Half the time, they don’t even mean it when they proposition you.

    I do believe in that one man that will love absolutely only you. No eyes for no other woman. Nothing says you can’t be friends with all… Married men, engaged men, men-in-relationships, single men, confirmed bachelors. You just have to know where to draw the line.

    Your head is in the right place. A mixture of all experiences, and when the ‘one’ comes along, all your myriad of experiences would help to make that relationship a better one.

    The experiences you have now, they will make you appreciative when true love does come along. This is my own personal take. My experience.

  69. precious

    January 25, 2011 at 6:48 pm

    Please kindly advise what to do to this young woman of 25 who has been having an affair with my husband for the last 2 years.
    i met my husband at 17 and we have been together ever since . He was my only boyfriend and he probably did mess around in university that is he was not an egbe but he ended up marrying me anyway. we have had a great life together and we are truly soul mates then this wicked girl came along and refuses to stop the relationship despite pleas from me , my husband family and mine. she is from a poor background and we have been told she uses jazz infact she used to live in one room face me i face u before my husband got an apartment for her at lekki and a brand new car last year. He even brought her to live in our house whilst i was away to give birth to our only child in the uk.
    She is destroying our lives and is very wicked , my husband behaves very strangely towards me and he is also performing badly at work because he is no longer passionate about what he does only about this girl. he has even gone to the extent to beat me when we had an argument about this girl.

    She knows my husband is married and even had the nerve to tell me by sms that the sooner i know my husband does not love anymore the better for me. I am not an ugly woman , i am well read, intelligent and enlightened. i also have a fantastic career, i hold a very senior and well paid job for my age.

    As such i have never had to depend on my husband financially. My husband uses our monies to meet this girls demands including the car and the apartment.
    i truly wished we never came back to Nigeria. As for me i have never stolen any man from anybody , my husband was single and free as a bird when i met him and he came after me and i have remained faithful ever since

    • loli

      January 27, 2011 at 8:35 pm

      Mrs. Precious I feel for you–I can’t imagine the betrayal and hurt you must be going through in this situation. This really angers me and especially when he has the nerve to touch you because you confront him (Oh all hell will break loose)

      I don’t know what that feels like but I would draw some boundaries–if he chooses to continue his affair you need to do what is best for you and your children: change the locks, close your bank accounts and give him an ultimatum to either let you go or cut ties. Don’t make it easy for him to come home to you; he can’t have his cake and eat it too.

      You don’t have to stick around for his immaturity. I would say you seek the support of your family & friends who can help you get through the storms ahead. Seeking counseling/ pastoral advice but don’t let them tell you to work it out (because it’s obviously not working)

      Most importantly pray, pray, pray I can’t stress the importance of seeking God’s guidance because its hard to face this type of problem on your own.
      Here are some books you can read to give some help: “Boundaries in Marriage” & “Changes that heal” I hope this helps in your plight; i know no words can truly heal the wounds he’s inflicted but you certainly need to take some deliberate steps. (My heart goes out to you)

  70. iREAD

    January 25, 2011 at 6:56 pm

    Grace
    Im going to be honest…we are all saying we will wait…..but lets be HONEST….If you randomly pick 10 young men who are old enough for marriage, 2 are secretly gay, 5 are still trying to get their lives together and the remaining 3 have multiple girlfriends.I have invested in different “bullets” & “rabbits” & 1 or 2 “friends with benefits” but I need real companionship. Where are the good men?I am well educated, christian, nice looking, independent and I am good in the kitchen & in bed…..Why am i still single??Dont blame me if a nice guy starts to pay attention to me…..one day, i wont care if he has someone or not! Im just being honest!!!

    I apologise already for my comment but did you say you have friends with benefits and then turn and describe yourself as Christian?

    I ain’t saying Christians don’t fall but they usually are not so blase about doing the wrong thing. My sister, you can like to check on His grace o.

    • iJustcant

      February 4, 2011 at 2:03 am

      Biko help me o. I bin wan ask where I can sign up for FwB christianity.

  71. Yuds

    January 25, 2011 at 6:59 pm

    This disease is a serious issue in Nigeria. Like someone said even average and less than average men walk around like they are something. I don’t know why Nigerian men feel entitled and Nigerian women help feed that entitlement. At least here in America, most men still hide their cheating and when they are caught there is serious remorse… and their women can actually throw them out. In Nigeria, most women seem to be in a situation where they catch their man cheating and they have to be the ones to decide whether to leave or not. Nonsense! It’s you people that are bent on marrying only a Nigerian and for some of you only an Igbo man, etc. Hell, marry an Indian man, marry a caucasian, marry a man from Australia. Just marry a good man, that will love you and honor you who is not perfect but perfect for you! If you live in Nigeria and your options are only Nigerian men then wait for the right one!!! He may not be rich or have a nice flat on the Island but he’s a good man who is hardworking… You’ll build your wealth together. A lot of our parents started up with nothing when they first got married. I think sometimes (which in Nigeria it’s easy to get carried away) we are looking for this great guy with swagger and lot of money and all those things that at the end of the day doesn’t decide if a man will be a good husband and father.

    Being the other woman should never be an option. Except if your husband having an ‘other woman’ is an option. Life has its way of coming around full circle!

    Great article Glory!

    • loli

      January 27, 2011 at 8:37 pm

      you couldn’t have said it better. I agree!

  72. F

    January 25, 2011 at 7:38 pm

    Once the other woman, ALWAYS the other woman. A man who is willing to play you and the other woman at the side is probably not husband material, at least the type of happily married one. Besides, let the fear and peace of God help you make decisions, can you really be at peace being the other woman?

    • iJustcant

      February 4, 2011 at 2:05 am

      You know, I never understood why a woman can’t see that. Why would you sit down and say you want a good man and turn around and date a man who has shown you he is not capable of fufiling a commitment he made. It is beyond me.

  73. woman scorned

    January 25, 2011 at 10:24 pm

    GLORYYYYYYYY!!! A very yummy piece. I read that while eating dinner and your dog spit talk didnt help my food!!! 🙁
    However, it was a fab read! This issue na wa! Its really sooo sad to see that infidelity doesnt exist amongst our people. Even if you find that single guy who makes u his no1, one crazy girl with no morals will hustle to take ur spot!
    What can a girl do eh?

  74. Chika

    January 25, 2011 at 10:59 pm

    precious
    Please kindly advise what to do to this young woman of 25 who has been having an affair with my husband for the last 2 years.i met my husband at 17 and we have been together ever since . He was my only boyfriend and he probably did mess around in university that is he was not an egbe but he ended up marrying me anyway. we have had a great life together and we are truly soul mates then this wicked girl came along and refuses to stop the relationship despite pleas from me , my husband family and mine. she is from a poor background and we have been told she uses jazz infact she used to live in one room face me i face u before my husband got an apartment for her at lekki and a brand new car last year. He even brought her to live in our house whilst i was away to give birth to our only child in the uk.She is destroying our lives and is very wicked , my husband behaves very strangely towards me and he is also performing badly at work because he is no longer passionate about what he does only about this girl. he has even gone to the extent to beat me when we had an argument about this girl.
    She knows my husband is married and even had the nerve to tell me by sms that the sooner i know my husband does not love anymore the better for me. I am not an ugly woman , i am well read, intelligent and enlightened. i also have a fantastic career, i hold a very senior and well paid job for my age.
    As such i have never had to depend on my husband financially. My husband uses our monies to meet this girls demands including the car and the apartment.i truly wished we never came back to Nigeria. As for me i have never stolen any man from anybody , my husband was single and free as a bird when i met him and he came after me and i have remained faithful ever since

    I am speechless. You think she is using juju? Well, you have something better than juju which is Jesue. You really need to start fasting and praying. Yes, the earlier the better. Get into a good bible church and see if the pastors will help you with your prayer points (i.e. if you can’t do it alone). Some women are just heartless and wicked. It is well. Your husband must come back to you in Jesus name…Amen

    • God dey

      January 26, 2011 at 2:29 pm

      Give your husband an ultimatum
      If he doesn’nt comply, move out… get an apartment or go to ur parents..
      If your husband never leaves the other woman, file for a divorce and move on with ur life.. Anything apart from that; you’ll just kill urself… Young women are coming down with all sorts of sicknesses, nervous breakdowns and all because of infidelity from their husband’s… Do not become a victim.. Get out before u go crazy and take ur children..
      Sister, believe me, there’s a beautiful life out there… Trust God, don’t sleep around, get busy and you’ll see how beautiful life is. In the final analysis, let those that are doing evil be the ones to be sad and miserable, not peeps doing good #mytwocents

  75. adanna

    January 26, 2011 at 12:31 am

    i have read alot of comments here and as someone had asked earlier? where are all the girls that date married men cos people that have so far written are acting all innocent and goody goody. First glory id like to commend u on this brilliant insightful piece. However as someone has mentioned, sometimes all we need to do is broaden our horizons. Must your husband be in Lagos?
    Also re married men or men with gf s, i am currently going thru a divorce i have two kids and i got up and left. My husband had numerous affairs but i must emphasise that wasnt the reason i left. I left because i was unhappy and i could not see me and him Five years down the line. I m 32. And quite frankly not in a hurry to spend the rest of my life with someone. why? I can t make the same mistake twice. You can be friends with someone that has a girlfriend cos as someone rightly said not all relationships end up in marriage. Also some people end up marrying their male friends and that by the way is the best kind of marriage i hear. I m not going to say that i won t consider dating a married man now. As u get older u find yourself to be less judgemental. true talk 101. We ll hv this talk in another 10 years. In the meantime pls go on more holidays, stay away from Rehab n them other clubs, keep your head up and consider dating a non nigerians, trust me they are a better bet as naija men hv so lowered the standards. God help us all and i wish u all the best Glory xx

  76. Lateefa

    January 26, 2011 at 2:01 am

    I read all these comment and I laugh! I know after this a lot of you will Have something to say, if you like abuse me, call me all sort, it won’t change, I will just like to say I am actually in one of the best relationship of my life and guess what he is married, he is a good husband to his wife and loving father to his kids, and the best boyfriend ever, my point until u have been in my shoes don’t judge, I was actually married you know, but it did not work thank God I came out of it with my sanity. And a smart 7yr old. It took this beautiful married to show me I could also enjoy happiness been dating for 2yrs now, and frankly I don’t mind being the second woman. I have never commented on a post b4, but today I had too. I was waiting for someone to be honest and be realistic, I have no intention off hurting anyone, but I will not trade my bf for none of this lying single boys. So ladies while u build that bus top with the beautiful shed, just pray to God you don’t get a hurricane, cause I am not sure that shed will stand that horrible weather. To each man his own. P.S if there is any typo kindly over look typing from a dam Ipad. God bless.

    • God dey

      January 26, 2011 at 2:23 pm

      Carry go! Nothing do you… A view of eternity will put all this in perspective….
      18 year olds are dying… and you, a thirty something is sleeping with someone’s husband and saying, “he’s a good father and husband to his people”! Carry go… The end justifies the means

    • iJustcant

      February 4, 2011 at 2:09 am

      Your need to comment and ask that no one judge you is a bit side-eye worthy. Of-course you do not mean to hurt anyone. You are not taking away resources and time that this “good” father and husband could be giving to his own family. O and you are definitely teaching your child (hopefully a daughter), an excellent lesson about self-worth…A+++ to you m’aam!!!

  77. ForeverYoung

    January 26, 2011 at 3:41 am

    For all the “present/still-deciding/future other women” I have a testimony..My aunty Sidi has been d other woman for a while now, shes still waiting to pack into the main house….she’s 67…average life expectancy of ur average nigerian woman is 70, we r still praying for a miracle to happen in the next 3yrs inshallah….shalom.

    • rica

      April 1, 2011 at 1:48 am

      Sweetie, Nigerian life expectancy is 47.8 years..Check WHO …70 ke..ur aunty don pass life expectancy since..

  78. TumTum

    January 26, 2011 at 9:03 am

    Aaaw Glory…ever the romantic! You right so beautifully with a lot of ‘tenderness’ – if one can ever consider writing to be ‘tender’ and ‘sweet.’ Maybe it’s because I’m also a romantic at heart and don’t believe in sharing a man at any cost.
    Aside, have you ever thought about writing romance novels? Check out http://www.nollybooks.co.za – I think you would be perfect at this. It’s similar to your Mills&Boon’s – but with the characters shaped to reflect the lives of young South Africans. Perhaps you can embark on a similar romantic journey, depicting the trials, tribulations and triumphs of dating in Nigeria. You would not be leaving your romantic destiny to fate…but you could write your very own fairytale set in Lagos. 🙂

  79. imjustsaying...

    January 26, 2011 at 12:32 pm

    Anyone ever watch the show “the bachelor”? i used to think it was the stupidest, most disrespectful show on earth, till i met a sociologist who explained to me how the show was actually a reflection of the way men in the real world reasoned…it was a bit shocking but actually gave me a diffrent perspective on things especially from a man’s point of view . Lets first of all understand that if a man is not married he is SINGLE ladies, and i dont care how many hate mails follow this post, but my advice is to run after the damn bus girl, the patient dog sometimes eats no bone at all!! The fact that a guy is in a relationship does not automatically make you a side kick or make him a useless man for being interested in you, i hear a lot of self-righteousness but not a single solution!

    • iJustcant

      February 4, 2011 at 2:13 am

      You make a somewhat valid point. The only kind of man I respect is one who deals with his relationship issues before getting with me. I.e break up with your girlfriend, why hold on…afterall he is not married, hopefully no children, no assets need to be split or divorce proceedings handled. He can sit ol girl down and tell her he wants out. Then he can show me the respect I deserve and pursue me. That’s how it works.

  80. Fairy Godsister

    January 26, 2011 at 1:49 pm

    Glory I agree with you. There’s nothing as painful as being the other woman, especially when you go in with your eyes open, knowing that that’s what it is but hoping stuff will change. If he’s not single, he’s not. If he’s about to propose to someone else, he’s not single. If he’s in a relationship, he’s not single! End of story.
    http://www.fairygodsister.wordpress.com

  81. smiling chic

    January 26, 2011 at 2:53 pm

    listen life is all about risk, no woman wants to settle for the other woman, bt in actual sense we all are the other women. if u like a guy and u find out he is in a relationship pls just be his friend and i mean true friend. i once dated a guy and i found out he had a fiance, so i just became his friend despite my feelings.but funny enough he always talked to me whenever he had issues with her and i would advise him squarely. today their love is waxing strong and i av found mine.

  82. Ziariz

    January 26, 2011 at 4:36 pm

    @Kamson, brilliant philosophy. Women who throw rocks at other women’s marriages should also expect rocks to be thrown at theirs. i think the philospy really is do unto others as you would want them to do unto you. No matter how lonely and single you are, always remember that the married man that seems tempting could easily be yours one day…offering solace to a younger, single girl while you the wife are at home, taking care of the kids and doing the laundry,..just my own 2 kobo

  83. Goldfinch

    January 26, 2011 at 6:13 pm

    Glory I feel u.
    I have once been d other woman and believe me it wasn’t a pleasant xperience. The guy jst wanted me 4 pleasure. I thank God I was able to retrace my step. But seriously I discovered that the bad guys are the ones dt I really like. I have this guy disturbing me nw but he’s too nice and boring 4 me. I just pray God gives me what I need cos seriously am so lonely.

  84. Lateefa

    January 26, 2011 at 9:33 pm

    It seems we all keep forgetting that we live in a sociacety where polygamy is a way of life, what if ur destiny is to marry a married man or ur husband marries a second wife, like I sd people let’s be realalitic, it is actually fine as long you are not doing purposely hurt the order woman or are trying to kick her out of her home, that woman’s husband might also be ur husband and you will learn to share, I don’t mind being a second or a first as long as I am happy. Not every woman dating a married man is bad. And if you are interested in a guy and he is also dating someone talk to him know his intention, and make sure it’s fits ur desire. And you are not being pressured.

    • mmeee

      January 28, 2011 at 5:57 pm

      so while you are comforatble marrying another’s husband,you shuld be ok doing threesome or foursome with him & his other wives.

      And don’t lie to yourself about being ok with him if he marries in more women after you! No woman feels good about herself when that is done to her.

  85. Lolly-Dee

    January 27, 2011 at 4:09 am

    @ Chibaby: I couldnt agree more! We women stress ourselves about this marriage thing that we forget to really enjoy dating.

  86. Mariam

    January 27, 2011 at 7:31 pm

    alright girl it about time to explore other option. men from other race, background, community!!.. ur match might be there waiting on you!

  87. Mariam

    January 27, 2011 at 7:32 pm

    also ask God to give you the spirit of discernment! it’s crucial

  88. loli

    January 27, 2011 at 7:37 pm

    Interesting article but I am disconcerted that your “friend” will give you such advice to continue seeing someone who is potentially going to be engaged? I’m with you on the loyalty trait but you definitely have to be smart when it comes to matters of the heart. You don’t want to entangle your feelings with some who is neither committed to his girlfriend nor will be to you.
    Settling for seconds is certainly unacceptable especially if the person is being dishonest; that to me reveals a character defect–if you knowingly pursue someone when you are in a committed relationship is Wrong, wrong, wrong!!!
    This is why divorce rates keep rising because of people who think its o.k to test the waters whilst dating other people.
    Had i been you after i found out he was seeing someone–I will enjoy my meal, say Goodbye and loose his number. Not worth your time–if he’s doing that to his potential fiancee, what makes you think he’s not going to do it you; He has wondering eyes! Stay away from people like that they mean trouble.

  89. Imani

    January 27, 2011 at 10:07 pm

    Your points are valid Glory. I am the other woman, and this is sometimes troubling. First, my father is Nigerian, but I grew up in North Carolina, United States. I state this to say, that culturally, the other woman, is looked down upon, no matter where you live. I worked with this gentleman for ten years. He tried to talk to me several times over five years. I was married, divorcing, dating someone else or pregnant! He even tried again when my daughter was about one. He heard I broke it off with her father. We were very friendly and professional at work. We work in different departments. Well, to make a longer story just long, I finally went out with him. He told me he was engaged. I was floored, I missed this boat, but I thought I could go out with him and not become too attached. Wrong. He was married in the fall. His second marriage, we are both in our mid forties. She has to stay in Lagos for certain reasons, he is not moving back to Nigeria, so since we live in the US, he wants to continue the relationship. I don’t have a strong desire to remarry. I have two children. I do want companionship and a romantic relationship with an intelligent, funny and nice guy. He is that and has been very honest with ME. Anyway, he travels to Lagos twice a year, maybe that could change. I travel more than that, but I am not in another relationship. We are together 90 percent of the year, even major holidays…. It doesn’t feel like I am the other woman. But, by definition I am. Sure, if a single guy comes along, maybe he will be for me. But for now, something so wrong to many, fits. I am sure his wife, who is also our age, has to suspect.

  90. moi

    January 28, 2011 at 1:01 pm

    All my life, while growing up, i never thought i could date a married man. Along the line, things changed and i found myself dating married men. This was not because i did not want my own guy for myself but because my religion permits me to be married as a second, third or fourth wife. I also realised that in life you keep on praying for the best cos only God knws wat is best for you.We keep on searching for that right person while he is staring rt back at us bt we choose to ignore him cos he is married . We can not all end up being single wives.

  91. mmeee

    January 28, 2011 at 5:44 pm

    Nigerian women ! quit the marriage craze & live your lives ! geez..even when my Nigerian friends I’ve not heard from for so long calls,before they even ask ‘how u dey?’ they will ask ‘any potential husband?’ and am only 24 oh ! If a guy even says hello,babes go pulse for a fast 1 second to check if em fit be the potential husband. E no dey give una headache ??? Live freely,when e go come, e go come ! getting a man is very easy,the problem is getting a good man.Men on their own side have their own struggles- making money b4 they get to thirties too! relax, ladies, the candy sharing is gonna get to you, no dey your side dey cry or wan share candy with another(other woman status)!
    CHILL !!! Modern men also got biological clocks, do you think they want to be attending kindergaten PTA meetings at 50 !

  92. mmeee

    January 28, 2011 at 5:46 pm

    CHILL !!! Modern men also got biological clocks, do you think they want to be attending kindergaten PTA meetings at 50 !

  93. bootylicious babe

    January 31, 2011 at 11:16 pm

    dis particular guy I was in love wt who kept telling me “baby,uknow I love u ba?” But I can’t leave her(his gf) like dat na” I told him he had to make up hs mind and d fool told me to stay wt him like dat till he does. I felt so stupid and to make matters worse he ddnt think he ws wrong!!!still healing frm dat. I blame myself sha.. Fast foward to december 2010,I met dis other guy…short story shorter,he’s married!!had to squeeze d truth out of him sef! I said eh?! What d hell do u want wt me den??he says he “knows what he wants”I told him NO,not interested,cuz I can just see myself crying at d end! And he then says,no o,I knw wat I’m doing! Mmccchheww!! He kps calln to ask what I’m doing,where I am,etc..d nerve of him! I sharply told him ,”abeg abeg!! I’m nt ur wife who u’l be poliicng about!did I tell u I dnt want my own man ni?”So,gloria,my mat, no tent is right there beside u,but I’m gonna enjoy myself while waiting!! Peace!!

  94. iJustcant

    February 4, 2011 at 2:18 am

    I dated a man like yours (although I had no idea he was married), I’d ask you to be very careful with him…I mean regarding your health. There is nothing honest about a man that will lie to his wife. He is not all the way honest with you. You are filling the void his wife is supposed to fill. If she moves here, you’d begin to feel like a real other woman. Please ma, no judgment at all but don’t fool yourself into thinking this man is honest. Men like that are only out for themselves. All the best.

  95. iJustcant

    February 4, 2011 at 2:28 am

    Glory dear, get out there and live life. Same thing for all those perched by the bus stop. Someone said go out there, get a hobby. There are beaucoup single, available men out here…Naija men(since that’s what most of us are looking for). Live your life and watch you meet more eligible men.
    The other woman position is flat out dangerous. This person that is sleeping with you, is not faithful to you. He has stepped outside his marriage, you think he is not going to explore all the other loose holes out there? Too many women are contracting things (and HIV is not the only thing) from their men who can’t keep their pants up. Why risk your life like that? If you mistakenly get pregnant, despite your great job…you are going to be a single mother. Let’s face facts, our men are not as accepting of the woman with children. You just decreased your chances by messing with someone who can’t keep a commitment to his own home.
    Men love their egos stroked and some like new things. Ofcourse, he will treat you nice now. Once he tires of you, you will be brushed aside.
    O and don’t get the idea that he is honest with you, if he can not be honest with the one he promised to love for better or worse, who in the heck are you? Your love below is not silver crusted, ain’t nothing special about it.
    Men have sold women on this idea of if you are not married, you are single. They only believe that for themselves o. Ask them if they would be comfortable with their women dating (watch a vein explode as he angrily changes the topic). Let’s not be stupid ladies. These men (and its not the majority thank goodness) are just bottom feeders and they go for the easy targets while fufilling their fantasies. Once they are done, they start feeling guilty and go back home. Leaving you to pick up the pieces. Be smart and know what you are worth girls. Aren’t you good enough to be the wife, the one he proudly claims? Aren’t you beautiful enough, smart enough? Or do you think #2 is the best you can do.

  96. Omada

    February 6, 2011 at 1:16 am

    my dear, we plenty…

  97. ivy

    February 6, 2011 at 7:21 am

    hey,
    a while back i wld have been casting aspersions on any lady whether comfortably or uncomfortably bearing the title “the other woman”…..but at the moment my lips are sealed out of shame, guilt ans sheer ambivalence. cos im currently getting out of a similar web.
    each day i couldnt leave with myself and with what i was becoming… A SETTLER. but then rite after the guilt trip id let my mind take flight to the world of emotions and marinate myself in the wateva of sweetnothings he told me just the day before or days ago…and then id feel a sick, justifiable calm saying “u have not felt this way before, u have a right to experience this thing called love..allow it maybe he’ll end up with me as he says he’s hoping to”.
    i know , i know guys…same shit, different guy rite?but truth is the word “never’ is the strongest ‘backfiring arrow” i knw so for y’all who chose to mount thier high horse…good stance but beware and for ppe like me…well its hard to let go, the process, the time it takes to find faults with him enuff to let you pull ot-ut without pain, the anger at the clarity u knw posess [not that it wasnt there all the time but difference is this time you are allowing yourself heed it}, all that guilt trip…i feel it but truth is it’ll never be “without pain”, just that the sooner you pullout the sooner the healing and the sooner mr.right finds you…note my emphasis on “sooner” not ‘easier”, just to prepare you.
    its a struggle evryday to not call him, answer his calls, think of him, rarionalise the events…its just hard but writing about it, making sure i draw lessons from the whole mess is what takes me thru the day.
    I SUGGEST YOU TRY IT, fellow “other woman”…lol

  98. ivy

    February 6, 2011 at 7:23 am

    also pls how can i get my write-ups on bella naija?…..awaiting an ASAP reply…toodles

  99. Jatropha

    February 7, 2011 at 4:56 am

    Those who wait for the dead Man shoes will go bare footed to long.

  100. remmy

    February 7, 2011 at 11:08 am

    you aint the only one sweet heart. That makes 2 of us. felt like i was reading me in your article! Am kinda tired of bin patient but i believe God is working out something for me, soonest. Will invite you to ma wedding before the year runs out, make sure u invite me to yours too.
    FAITH that all i have and using right now. Happy married life to us in advance! Cheers!

  101. Tiki

    February 10, 2011 at 6:32 pm

    Gloria, your article gave me pause…and then strenghthened my resolve. I speak from experience when i say dating a married man is painful: u can’t call when you want, see him when u want, walk hand in hand all over the town,etc.God has finally blessed me with a man of my own, and now I live in perpetual fear of karma being around the corner. I wish I had waited for my own, but I can honestly say that the situation has shaped me into who I am, and taught me many things I would otherwise have missed.
    Thanks for this, like I said, it might be a harder path I chose (while Mr Married used to spoil, pamper and indulge me, My Man takes no nonsense), but it’s the path where the person who loves me enough to forsake all others, stands.

  102. cathy

    February 11, 2011 at 5:54 pm

    wow!!!!!! this article really got me thinking, honestly if im the one i wld ve gone out wit thd guy but then again wat if this guy was urs n bcos of ur stand u miss him? life sumtimes is wat we make of it and sumtimes we have to fight for wat is our not minding whose ox is gored.

  103. agboola

    February 18, 2011 at 5:04 pm

    ladies,I pray you all find your own men, one that will rock your boat the right way.I am a guy married and seeing a lady on the side not because i enjoy it but because i have to keep my sanity, I am married to a lady that doesnt give a hoot about me and i do regret getting married, i hate my wife because she has turned me into what i never was, ladies are very funny once they get married they change.my wife will refuse to keep the house clean, hygiene is a real problem, i cant tell my wife to cook for me when i want, my wife will tell me what is on offer, if i want anything done i have to do it myself, you better not walk carelessly in my house if you are wearing white, sweet please clean your car, please clean the kids car sit, please do your hair, it is untidy, why dont you use all the perfume i bought you etc etc. My wife has a very non charlan attitude towards hygiene, which man will want to open a pot of food and find out that it is spoilt and it is still sitting on the cooker, what man will be building houses without wanting a wife to fuss over him, which man wants a wife that is not interested in peace at home, the sofa i bought 15 yrs ago before i married my wife is still sitting in my parlour, why must i suffer in the midst of many.the lady on the side makes me feel like a man,i act as a temporary father for her children and i enjoy it.
    Not all married men are happy but we will never come out and say it, rather we will suffer in silence.

    • Ife

      August 1, 2012 at 9:20 am

      Its funny when you men give excuses, dnt you see all these signs before now? An untidy woman was always one the trait dnt just develop overnight, come on. Also y not have a chat with her and let her know how you feel? My marriage is young compared to yours but one thing we do is we take out time – vacation or weekends to discuss our problems without kids in a secluded environment away from the home……she also wld have loads to say about how u have changed. Marriage changes people i must say, we evolve as we as grow. Lets try and grow together.

  104. vina

    February 22, 2011 at 12:45 pm

    Where are the comments from the married man,who always chasing us (single woman)

  105. olla

    February 24, 2011 at 7:09 pm

    Married men after single women…..users from useville…tchew.

  106. kerry

    February 27, 2011 at 12:43 pm

    That is a load of rubbish( the orig quesion) why would you value your self so little and play the mans game! helping him achieve his goal of having his cake and eating it! then going back to his partner leaving you empty and alone. Think about it !

  107. winnie

    March 4, 2011 at 1:10 pm

    mmhn!!

  108. sparkle

    March 11, 2011 at 1:55 pm

    gloria,i need 2 ask u dis,did u go thru my diary or anytin of dt sort?cos u jst bared my heart wit these lines of yours.tank u 4 entering and givin voice 2d questions deep within my heart.bt d tin is our past does affect d way we reason.i used 2 reason on d sides of loyalty,until my guy diappeared,only 2 appear in d arms of one babe.lts b very ril here,derz alot at stake.if u kip waitn 4 him,hw long wil u wait,cos almost evry guy u meet is committed 2 a sister.me i dnt ask d guy if he is in a relationship,cos he cn choose 2 lie,i rather snoop around secretly 2 find out and step up my game all round him..i guess dis is one of d reasons ladies two time.am nt preaching 4 or against anythin sha bt,,,hmmmm.i comment my reserve.in dis world of ours its survival of d fittest and only d strong survive and i seriously am nt ready 2 die.until u get 2 meet him,live ur lyf and av fun

  109. modee

    March 16, 2011 at 12:07 pm

    guys with one span attention xsit trust me..tin is dey come as raw materials with long, dark weeds u must trim here n der…in d long run…d effort is worth it…ask me..i married one….

  110. kokomma

    March 18, 2011 at 3:23 pm

    [email protected]’Abi dem write ‘sloppy seconds’ for my forehead? The more I thought about it the angrier I got!’… but seriously smtimes being the oda woman may just be the only way2 secure ur man..thats if he isn’t married oh!’…as far as i’m concerned no dude is particularly single, the same way no girl is…so its a battle till u eventually find the perfect one..ultimate search noni

  111. kokomma

    March 18, 2011 at 3:29 pm

    oh and by the way those of u who still advocate for ‘patience’ i assure u u’ll find the perfect man @ d end of the century…thats if u make it2 d end ..lolz

  112. Gracie

    March 20, 2011 at 7:29 pm

    NO,, MY SISTER YOU ARE NOT THE ONLY WOMAN WHO THINK THAT WAY. IN FACT, I THINK YOU MIGHT BE MY TWIN SISTER FROMANOTHER PARENTS, LOL. SERIOUSLY, I’M VERY PROUD OF YOU FOR BEING A VERY DECENT AND EDUCATED LADY. KEEP WAITING, LIKE YOU, I WOULDN’T WANT TO BE THE OTHER WOMAN, NO DAY IN LIFE. “PATIENT DOG EATS THE FATTEST BORN.” MORE LOVE, AND I SAY KEEP YOUR HEAD UP HIGH AND KEEP WAITING PATIENTLY.

  113. Staxx

    March 23, 2011 at 5:38 pm

    I will condemn dating a married man completely but would not completely condemn dating someone in a relationship. Many marriages came about because of someone else failing relationship. Just try and figure out the guy’s honesty in dealings with you. Some might be slow in telling their girlfriends the relationship is not working for them. “The other woman” might just knock off the “assumed real woman”. But its good to follow your heart Gloria. This is just IMO!!

  114. vee

    March 28, 2011 at 10:39 am

    To be the other woman, is the worst thing that can happened to any girl,just wait for ur man, he is out there,and will come to you when the time is right.The humiliation and pain is not worth it.

  115. igbofille

    June 23, 2011 at 5:06 pm

    Had this manager in my office whose wife’s younger sister is my friend. The wife also is an acquaintance of mine and he knows all these yet he is asking me out. I didn’t mince words in telling him his behavior was inappropriate. Most married men these days will be so subtle in presenting their case that an unsuspecting chick will say there’s no big deal and plunge into a mess. When he says lets be good friends, ask him what he means by very good friend. Waiting actually is not easy at all. Even when one decides to do other things and enjoy the single life, that is when every other person around seem to be getting married and having their 2nd and 3rd kids. At the end of the day Glory, keep being true to yourself and soon the one person you have been waiting for will come for you.

  116. kayjay

    June 5, 2012 at 11:59 am

    You definitely arent the only woman Glory. i wonder how some people cope with being the second woman. it is bad enough that a man will expect you to be second to him but worse when you seem to gamble your happiness with believeing that he may. what if he doesnt? then you’ll realise too late that you’re nothing but a second fiddle and good for not more than being just the second. i always believe that no matter how long there will be a time when God will bring the right man along a lady’s path so the wait may be tough but the end thereof is bliss

  117. alicia

    June 6, 2012 at 3:52 pm

    @lolade i do agree with you. i did be ur one an donly rather than been a second handed machinery gun. am gonna wait patiently till heaven knows when but am not gonna lose it

  118. Ife

    August 1, 2012 at 9:39 am

    Hmmmmm this is a funny one….I would say i was like you – wanted all things black/white. However what do you do when you were in the dark? That’s my story, i am actually married to the man now and hey back off before u all say deceit and bla.
    I started dating my man while we were studying abroad and he dnt say he had a gf. pls note he was my good friend and he dnt meet my spec so you knw how u can open yourself without been guarded – no formings like a bf…so our relationship was quite solid. we dated for 3yrs then he moved back to Nigeria while i was there sending him money to help him get on his feet. He eventually did then i returned and we continued dating, he had told his mom and my folks knew him. Then being the socialite i am news got to me that his old gf was claiming to be the main gf and i was the other woman. He claimed her folks (igbo) said she rejected suitors so he had to marry her (take note they dated for bot 4years in Uni). I left him when i found out and we were both miserable for months, i tried to date another and he supposedly tried to continue with her but it didnt work out. We got back together, got married and i must say marriage is good, we have our issues yea like any other but God will see us through. So yea some of d ex-gf’s friends called me the other woman that snatched her bf. I thank God she’s married today. So from my experience i would say remain open minded, he doesnt have to be from the same social standing as you and doesnt have to check your list perfectly. I married a “nameless” family as my mama wld say but today she is greatful, those “named” families trust me their sons have loads of issuessssssss…….

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