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This &That with Alheri: Your Choice to Love



AlheriHello friends, my name is Alheri and I’m on a journey to discovering myself. My mind wanders a lot (intelligently, I’d like to think), and when I have random thoughts that I cannot reconcile internally, I turn to my friends for help. Sadly, those friends probably don’t want their ears talked off with my endless philosophical ramblings, hence I have turned to you, dear readers with very few answers, and a few good questions. We’ll have fun exploring these topics if you’d join me on this journey. Oh, why “This and That”? Because we discuss any and everything. Also, I assure you, I’m far from boring, and I write quite well. Not convinced? Read to see for yourself.

Over the weekend my friends and I had a very interesting conversation about love and the “ride or die” mentality. Someone argued that it’s difficult to give up on your first love, especially if they were the first person you slept with. Hence, we shouldn’t judge people who seem too hung up on one particular person. Therefore, if someone happened to be your “first”, and you both were deeply in love, it would be very difficult for you to get over the person. Basically, this is why some people stay in relationships that may have turned sour. They believe that they somehow can return to good old days of bright blue skies and yellow fields of sunflowers.

Some argued that although the initial attraction and connection that we feel towards someone may be involuntary, love requires more sustained effort than we often seem to realize. As much as we cannot force ourselves to be connected to someone, we can choose whether or not to water the garden and watch it blossom. Perhaps those people haven’t fallen completely head over heels in love with someone.

In the same vein, some argued that virginity and “first love” are overrated. You can get over whomever you choose to get over. It may be difficult at first, but you have an important role to play in how fast your healing process will occur. You can choose to shut the door completely, and although the tears and regret may come very heavily and first and eventually, occasionally, you’ll move on quickly because you’re determined. With time (and God, if you’re religious).

To this group of people, whether or not someone was your first love and the first person you ever slept with, when you decide to walk away, you can do it. Of course this is not to simplify or overlook the pain of breakups. At that point, you just have decided that it’s never a do or die affair. It will hurt, just as every other disappointment does, but after a while your scar from the experience will only remind you about how strong you are and that you cannot come and go and kill yourself. When when you see that your supposed first love was useless or not the one for you, you tuck your tail between your legs (if that’s what it takes) and you walk away.

Someone brought up the point that after her first breakup she did all within her power to stop the pain and betrayal she felt. She willed it away, tried to pray it away, cried it away, and even tried to not think about the person or the circumstances. But the pain remained there. It greeted her in the morning, and bade her goodbye, when it did allow her some sleep.

But another argument was that the point when you begin the healing process is already your moment of courage. Walking away does not mean that it will stop hurting at that very moment, or that all the feelings will vanish. But it does mean that you have acknowledged that you are better off without that person.

Other people believe that there’s nothing you can do to fall in or out of love. It just happens. It’s not forced, thought into place, or manipulated. It’s either there or it’s not. You either love someone or you do not. You cannot force the connection, the intimacy or the emotions. Similarly, when it does go awry, you cannot force yourself out of the situation. You have to wait for the love to run it’s due course. And perhaps never get over the person. Your first love, they say, is the deepest and truest. (And lasts forever?)

The argument took several twists and turns, but at the end of the day, the question remains: does love really consume us such that we lose all our rational decision making ability. Or are some of us too foolish when we fall in love and go all in.

On the flip side, is it love when you’re falling with your eyes wide open? Or do you have to throw all caution to the wind and fall completely, utterly, and hopelessly in love with someone?

Or do you even have an option about how deep and how fast you fall in love?

Let us know your thoughts in the comment section below.

Also, happy new month!

Alheri is a young, vibrant young lady. Her favorite color is purple, and she loves to dance, sing, write and read. She’s very unsure that she’ll do with her life, but she knows that “not all who wander are lost.” She blogs at


  1. Serene

    June 6, 2016 at 3:49 pm

    U Can get over whoever when u are ready. At some point you’ll realize love is a choice. It has to be nurtured and fed properly. One person cannot do all the work, so when it’s not reciprocated or belittled…pack your ‘Kaya’ and be going.

  2. winnie

    June 6, 2016 at 7:10 pm

    hmmm…I would have loved to give my opinion on this interesting topic. But am a bit too emotional now and am even going through something similar to this now. So lemme sit back and watch the comments flow in….

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