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BN Hot Topic: Will the Truth REALLY Set You Free?

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A few years ago, my friend was about to get married to her boyfriend of 7 years and she found out that he was a prolific cheat. She was distressed but not just because of the impending wedding, but because a lot of older female relatives counseled her against calling off the wedding. According to them, men do this all the time and she needs to look inward to determine what’s important to her and what is not. “Besides, if you leave this one, what’s the guarantee that you’ll meet another one who wont cheat! They all cheat. You will just apply wisdom!” For years, this “truth” has been perpetrated and nothing has been done to dispel it. Younger generations are being brought up to believe this is the norm, so in this regard we have a very LONG way to go. However, one thing that you won’t hear being brought up as a subject of discourse is a cheating woman.

The cheating woman is something often whispered about. The way a man’s infidelity and brazen adultery is lauded – well… women aren’t that ‘lucky’. In fact, you know how guys try to justify cheating by saying “Baby, it was just sex. It’s you my heart belongs to.” – women don’t have that kind of luxury. It is believed that if a woman has sex with a man that’s not her man then she must be emotionally involved with the person she’s cheating with. It is taken that while women would very likely condone their man’s infidelity, a man would ABSOLUTELY not turn a blind eye to cheating.

I had a conversation with married friend recently. He had just gotten out of an affair with a married woman and he was telling me about how the affair didn’t end at his own behest rather because the lady he was having the affair with got sloppy. According to him, she suddenly grew a conscience and decided to tell her husband that she had been cheating on him. After the revelation, the girl’s husband made her confess to the council of elders in church and my friend was sure that any day now they’d call him for a meeting. I told him that the church and a meeting was the least thing that should be on his mind. The girl’s husband was more likely to get him thoroughly beaten up. “Ah, wait first, she told the guy your name?”
He replied in exasperation: “Imagine oh! Is she a learner? Who told her confessing ever solves ANYTHING? As I am like this does she think I would ever confess? Please!”

It got me thinking about women and confessing of an affair. The first thing that came to mind when I actually settled to think about the scenario was “The truth doesn’t set you free in this case! Na shackles for life be that one.” So, I put the topic before my TN group (They said if I don’t acknowledge them in this piece they’d never help me again :P. Shout out to my TalkNaija family).
“So guys, would you rather have your wife confess to you if she’s cheated or would you rather not know?. Ladies, if you cheat on your spouse, would you confess? Or live with the guilt -if any- till you’re either caught or you die”

Four of the guys stated categorically that they would rather not know; but if they found out it was the end of the relationship. Two of the women said they would NEVER confess. “Confess gini? It will go down to the grave with me biko. Those things never end well”.

My friend, Wale, said he honestly didn’t know how he would react if his wife cheated. His first instinct would be to walk out of the marriage but then he would think about other things like his children *if they had children*. He said to me that this wasn’t something he had ever paused to consider.

So guys, the question is this- As a woman, if you cheat, would you confess? Or would you rather sit it out. Woman, have you ever confessed to cheating? How did that go? Have you ever been caught? How did you get out of that sticky situation? As a guy, would you rather your partner who has cheated confesses or would you rather not know. If you’ve been confessed to, please tell us how you handled it. Does the truth indeed set one free?

I realize there’s a tendency for this to descend to the valley of finger-pointing and holy admonition, let’s try to refrain from doing that. Let’s have a healthy discussion for everybody to learn a thing or two.

Okay guys?
Let’s discuss!

Photo Credit: ynaija.com

You probably wanna read a fancy bio? But first things first! Atoke published a book titled, +234 - An Awkward Guide to Being Nigerian. It's available on Amazon. ;)  Also available at Roving Heights bookstore. Okay, let's go on to the bio: With a Masters degree in Creative Writing from Swansea University, Atoke hopes to be known as more than just a retired foodie and a FitFam adherent. She can be reached for speechwriting, copywriting, letter writing, script writing, ghost writing  and book reviews by email – [email protected]. She tweets with the handle @atoke_ | Check out her Instagram page @atoke_ and visit her website atoke.com for more information.

149 Comments

  1. fidelia

    August 15, 2013 at 11:06 am

    i ain’t doing no confessing,its between me and my God……..hhehehehehe

    • Jo!

      August 15, 2013 at 5:46 pm

      Confess ke?! For what? abeg abeg abeg. This is one of the very few times I agree with Toke Makinwa. LOL
      Mehn say they can handle the truth, but truth is, THEY CAN’t!!! These kind of things, and other stuff in the past, you shove into a drawer, lock up with a padlock, tie to a big stone and throw into the ocean, to never come up again.
      I have never and will NEVER tell any BF or husband about my previous BF’s, it simply is a terrible idea and never gonna come from me! I don’t know why men are obsessed with their predecessors, what good will it do if you know every guy I’ve ever dated??? ehn?
      And some “smart” girls will decide “they want to start on a clean slate” and then spill everything…. heheheheheheh, I laff in Nupe. Siddon there they form honesty. Please Mehn don’t want the truth, they just don’t know it.

      Disclaimer here though, this doesn’t include stuff that come back to bite you in the behind like knowing your uterus was ruptured due to an abortion or knowing you’re AS and hiding it or that you’re HIV positive. These ones never end well, honesty is actually in these cases, your best options.

      But for stuff that ain’t changing nobody’s life…. never coming up and depending on what it is I will probably deny it till I die! Shikena
      Weird that I actually have a pretty mild past, but if I’ve been crazy, that’s my rule and I’m sticking with it.

    • Oyinade

      August 16, 2013 at 1:34 pm

      The article was written by Atoke, different from Toke Makinwa

    • Jo!

      August 15, 2013 at 5:48 pm

      And yea, I also NEVER cheat, just don’t know how people do it. Too exhausting!

      1
  2. jhenny

    August 15, 2013 at 11:13 am

    well it depends

  3. ms lala

    August 15, 2013 at 11:14 am

    in some occasions it does…and other situations the truth better be kept to your darn self…best believe freedom always comes with a price

  4. see question

    August 15, 2013 at 11:17 am

    I would wait a while and then tell him so that he would have sleepless nights and feel tortured the same way i feel……..lool anyways i dont plan to cheat when i get married would probably occupy myself with something to even think about that. Lord pls bless me with a guy that know the value of marriage.

    • uh-huh

      August 15, 2013 at 4:10 pm

      Amen!!! me and u both…. 😉

  5. Neo

    August 15, 2013 at 11:18 am

    First of all, i thik we should recognise the truth behing the saying, the truth will set you free is biblical and in this sense it doesnt mean that there will be no repercussions for your actions. It simply means that living a lie is a form of bondage that only an acknowlegment of the truth can free you from. Its an inner thing.

    Secondly, I dont think I can cheat *adjusts halo* On a serious note though I’m the kind of person that tends to “overshare” with my significant other. I tend to discuss everything and keep the relationship so that he feels like he can tell me “everything” (na from there I go know which babe to watch closely, if everyday Im hearing Chinyere this, Chinyere that…hmmmmn) Anyways if I did cheat, i’d be so ridden with guilt that i’d probably break up with the person even if i dont want to directly confess.

    Indeed its true women are more emotional when it comes to sex, feelings over the act. so when a woman does cheat, men usuallly know that its because she isnt where she used to be with you feelingswise.

    • Tell what

      August 15, 2013 at 11:30 am

      Let the cheating spouse stay in that bondage na. What is wrong with that? Forgiveness belongs to the Lord. Let them go to the Lord for forgiveness, and carry their nasty disgusting act within themselves. Abeg o. Lol

    • Mz Socially Awkward...

      August 15, 2013 at 12:09 pm

      @Neo, you and me both. I share err’thang with that significant other – what I’m feeling, how I’m feeling it, what went down at work that day, where I’m going to be the next minute/hour/day… I’m a truly open book when I’m in love (which I used to think was a great thing until one of my aunts cautioned me to always “form” for my man, even after marriage. I come begin wonder which kain bondage be that…). So if I cheat, he’ll probably be the first to know.

      And I want to know everything about my Mister too, related to cheating (whether you came close, you thought about it, you went ahead to do it – everything). My last boyfriend once let it slip in a conversation that since I wasn’t giving him any, he was contemplating cheating with an available female. I should have dumped his ass once I heard it, but I didn’t, forgave the moron (bigger fool me) and things didn’t end well. So I’m firmly on the side of wanting to know it all.

    • So I had to anonymise myself for this one

      August 15, 2013 at 2:55 pm

      I had to anonymise myself for this one but I am like you. I tell my partner erry’thang. Before we got married, I fell for someone else and because I wasn’t too sure if my partner was the one, things happened that should never with said person. I am not excusing my behaviour by the way. Na me carry my two legs go tell my partner. I can’t live with guilt, lailai… I was so frustrated and I prayed and cried like mad during that period. I didn’t tell him in the hope that he’d stay or leave. I was just compelled to ‘fess up. Somehow, he forgave me and we are married now. By the grace of God, I will never ever hurt him or anybody like that again in my lifetime in Jesus name. Amen. But bottomline, I can’t hide anything. I get extremely grateful when I think that God forgave me for that one.

    • slice

      August 15, 2013 at 3:06 pm

      actually Jesus said you shall know the truth and the truth will set you free. John 8:32. Not you shall speak the truth 🙂

    • So I had to anonymise myself for this one

      August 15, 2013 at 3:09 pm

      Lol… see acknowledgement of technicalities o… Haha

    • Madman

      August 15, 2013 at 3:54 pm

      I love this. Hahaha….. Doubt your conscience will let you rest though. I’m not married but I think if you LOVe your spouse, you may reveal the wrongdoing at some point. Everything done in secret will eventually be revealed. Here or in heaven…. LooooooooL

    • Shy Shen!!!

      August 15, 2013 at 4:56 pm

      Looooool

  6. Berry Dakara

    August 15, 2013 at 11:24 am

    Tricky. There would be warring sides: one arguing for honesty, the other for what-he-doesn’t-know-won’t-hurt-him.

  7. Profound

    August 15, 2013 at 11:26 am

    Most people think they can handle the truth, but truth be told – They can’t. No man would ever look at you the same way if you confess to cheating. Yes, he may stick around, for reasons best known to him – but think of it like a shattered glass – you can try to put the pieces together, but one thing is for sure – the cracks will always be visible.
    I’ll leave you with this -> Would you rather be showered with love by your partner or be with someone that just about puts up with you ? The answer to that would determine whether you should confess or not!
    In summary: Be good, but if you can’t be good, Be careful!

    • Fashionista

      August 15, 2013 at 12:55 pm

      You are profound indeed!

    • i no send

      August 15, 2013 at 1:08 pm

      i concur with profound 100% i will not confess to my spouse but to God and i will deny it if confronted..for peace to reign abeg

  8. Tell what

    August 15, 2013 at 11:28 am

    Call me stupid, call me naive but I will not want to know. End of. Oh well I am living in lah lah land under an illusion of my hsuband’s antics but I will not want to know. The day he has the audacity to tell me, I am leaving him. Why? His guilt is his punishment. Let him live with that guilt till it eats him alive. When these cheating spouses tell, you know what happens? They feel better, they have let it out, while you on the receiving end is devastated. Why should he be allowed to feel better and shatter me. No o. He should keep that secret till he chokes on it. By virtue of him telling me to ask for my forgiveness it means he no longer wants to carry the burden alone, nah. I hate all those “i have been dying inside, I couldn’t bare to look at you everyday knowing I was carrying this lie”. Shu. Bros, DIE INSIDE. That is your self inflcited hell that you got into. Stay there Biko. Let him carry it, I didn’t send him to cheat. I will rather prefer that someone else tells me. Crazy I know, but I will be less devastated. Then in the secrecy of my own heart, I can decide how to deal with him, while he is thinking I don’t know. I’ve watched enough Crime and Investigation to know how to deal with him. Lol. Same rule applies to me. If I cheat, the secret is going to the grave with me. Shikena. Tell Ko, tell ni.

    • lila

      August 15, 2013 at 11:35 am

      [email protected] and Investigation…

    • meeeee

      August 15, 2013 at 11:46 am

      I love this. You are just on point. Laughing my heart out here lol.
      i agree with u 100%.

    • Andrea

      August 15, 2013 at 12:04 pm

      “His guilt is his punishment. Let him live with that guilt till it eats him alive. When these cheating spouses tell, you know what happens? They feel better, they have let it out, while you on the receiving end is devastated.”…………a special LIKE button for this please 🙂

    • Dani1982

      August 15, 2013 at 12:41 pm

      LMAO, enough said ….

    • Iris

      August 15, 2013 at 2:24 pm

      I agree with you to a point…but only because I want him to suffer in his guilt, that is, assuming he feels guilty. Because what if he doesn’t feel guilty and just doesn’t want to deal with the “stress” of your reaction? Plus…what if he gets sloppy and isn’t using protection and comes to give you something?

    • Dee

      August 15, 2013 at 2:11 pm

      I see where you’re coming from, but it can be dangerous to be oblivious to your spouse’s infidelity. If he’s cheating on you, who’s to say he’s using protection? So, if you are having unprotected sex with your husband (as you have every right to do) and you don’t know or care to know he’s cheating, you are allowing yourself to be vulnerable to whatever he’s bringing back home to you.

    • Tell what

      August 15, 2013 at 4:50 pm

      First of all, I won’t marry a man that will not feel an iota of guilt if he falls short of his vows. That is a heartless man and there are many around. I sure won’t choose one. So the wives that already know they have serial husbands, they should tell us what they do about it to protect themselves. Me sha, it won’t reach serial before I pack my load waka. To start using protection with your husband because he is cheating is the worst sort of self esteem destroyer and visa for him to continue. After all he is using protection with you, he can continue rallying around town. Sex is not that sweet abeg to tolerate that. Infidelity wrecks the other spuses’s soul. It is way more than sex.

  9. Lily

    August 15, 2013 at 11:42 am

    I strongly believe cheating is a terrible thing for a relationship, if you insist on cheating then you should be in an open relationship so everyone knows what to expect.
    Don’t Cheat so you don’t have to confess.
    But if u cheat as a woman NEVER ever confess, Men never get past a cheating spouse and wont forgive you, even if they do..it wont be forgotten.

  10. Shy Shen!!!

    August 15, 2013 at 11:45 am

    This article is about me.. will be right back

  11. Anne

    August 15, 2013 at 11:54 am

    I wouldn’t tell. it never ends well. I ll just confess to God. and if ma hubby cheats on me he may as well keep it to himself and deal with the guilt

  12. Isi 1

    August 15, 2013 at 12:16 pm

    Better to keep it to ur self. It always backfires

  13. Eugenia

    August 15, 2013 at 12:16 pm

    HMMMM!!!…….so easy to write about cheating. but d act is a dangerous one. for me confessing depends on d type of relationship and understanding i have wit my hubby…..but my confession will go to d ALMIGHTY GOD first.

  14. Mz Socially Awkward...

    August 15, 2013 at 12:18 pm

    And Atoke, the answers to your question (& the result of your survey) simply boils down to this – women can handle the truth. Men can’t.

    • Iris

      August 15, 2013 at 2:34 pm

      And I think their reasoning behind that ability to handle it is sexist and pathetic. When women cheat, men start talking about humiliation and how they can never get over it, because for some reason, when men cheat and the woman is crying, all men seem to understand from that is that “she’s in pain” – like we don’t have pride and don’t feel humiliated too. Nonsense. It’s the same rationale when they talk about how women will apparently feel more pain if the man is having an emotional affair than a physical one while for men it’s supposedly the opposite. I don’t care if you were picturing my face when you were screwing her. Hell, I don’t care if it was my name you were screaming. Kasala will burst and SOMEBODY GON DIE!

    • chibaby

      August 15, 2013 at 3:06 pm

      my dear men cant handle it ooo! chai. it’s a pity like Atoke sed dat we’r not ‘lucky’ cos guy no go gree o.

    • No one

      August 22, 2013 at 12:55 pm

      Women can’t…no one can actually. My ex broke up with me after about 8 months of confessing. She simply couldn’t handle it. Not that I stopped cheating anyway but she held onto that particular incident.

  15. Ajiun

    August 15, 2013 at 12:23 pm

    I will carry my secret to my grave…I shall not be admitting anything even on the pain of death. I will confess to my God, and pray for the salvation of my soul. But I am (somewhat) a prude (and I’m talking in the Merriam-Webster Dictionary sense and NOT Urban Dictionary) so I won’t ‘indulge’ in cheating. LOL…

    I used to think I wanted to know if my partner was cheating or ever cheated. I believe I know better now. After my last relationship ended I started to find out sleazy and sordid details of things he did. Nothing quite pointing to concrete evidence that he cheated; but enough for me reduce whatever respect I had for him to beneath-my-feet level. “I don’t wanna know…” *in Mario Winans’s voice*

    @Neo, I am an oversharer, with partners as well. But I think I will reduce the oversharing cos even though it is harmless it comes back to bite one’s arse.

  16. bella

    August 15, 2013 at 12:23 pm

    i can never ever confess ooo,i ll d rather go on my knees and confess to God when my eyes don come down.*Abi mo ti confess ni*

  17. bella

    August 15, 2013 at 12:26 pm

    i have a friend who tried confessing once,her husband said she s forgiven,it was after dre wedding,like 2yrs after that her husband start tormenting her with her past,she don dey regret now say she talk am.me lailai……………………

  18. Kemm

    August 15, 2013 at 12:33 pm

    I think because I know I wouldn’t want to be in the position of confessing, I will not do it in the first place. And if I do cheat, it is because 1.) I am probably looking to give you and myself a reason to be done and 2.) I really don’t care whether you find out or not, infact I will try my best to actually make you realise I am cheating on you while not confessing! For me as a woman, cheating is a no no, and because I grew up around boys its still going to be hard for a man to cover his tracks around me so usually by the time he confesses I probably know already and I am on the look out for his punishment! My ex actually got a girl pregnant through his cheating ways, I found out, stopped talking to him without accusing him or asking him questions, totally avoided him and then went to a party that I knew he would be attending with a new hot date. Somehow he just knew I had found out about his pregnant other girl, he couldn’t ask, and he knew there was no need to confess, fess gini? Ain’t nobody got time for that! All he could do was just apologize and start sending messages and people to apologize on his behalf, which was all useless anyways, I was done!! So if i cheat, I am done, If you cheat, I am done. In marriage, slightly different, if i cheat, im probably doing it to satisfy myself cos I know you are doing the same, and either way we are both staying, no need for confessing..lol

    • Yemzy

      September 5, 2013 at 3:49 pm

      @Kemm Over loving your disposition on this article. *hugs*

  19. lolly

    August 15, 2013 at 12:39 pm

    When a man cheats, after a while he gets used to it and doesn’t feel guilty anymore, so talk of carrying the burden doesn’t apply, especially when he has friends that make him feel it’s ok to cheat……….I knew my husband was cheating, I just pretended not to care and went about acting like we were all good until I caught him myself and I decided to do him right back, make him feel exactly how I felt, so I cheated too and told him about it, you think it’s only women that are scared of broken homes, men too, let me just say he is a completely different man, I didn’t get all this attention even when we were dating.

    • Ready

      August 15, 2013 at 3:34 pm

      Damn. It’s a gangsta someting.

    • Jo!

      August 15, 2013 at 5:56 pm

      Mehn, Apply With Caution o, for those that are reading, you might not wanna try this at home, it can sooooooo backfire.
      Know ya man well fest (sic)

    • Msunderstood

      August 15, 2013 at 11:16 pm

      @lolly, badt girl. I like u jare. That’s what I always say. Do me I do u God no go vex, lol.

  20. Dearie

    August 15, 2013 at 12:43 pm

    LOL! I so agree with @Tell What. No, I ain’t telling. It’ll follow me to the grave – that’s if I ever get to cheat. More reason why I’m a one-man-army person. Let friends into those moves and you start watching your back, what if XYZ tells my man.

  21. elly

    August 15, 2013 at 12:45 pm

    heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee……will never tell him oooooh…..I once confesed and the man revenged hardly by having another woman and he married her two years ago just to show tht i was worthless but as we are talkn he even want to walk out of that marriage and have me back but blv me i never gave him a chance even to kiss my chick showing him that it was accidentantlly wat i practised some years ago……nw am so happy with my new boyfriend and i dont cheat as well i blv he doesnt…..

  22. Nneka

    August 15, 2013 at 12:48 pm

    @Tell what, I really love your comment. BN pls make provisions for like buttons.

  23. shebaby

    August 15, 2013 at 12:54 pm

    cheating is wrong anyway you look at it…..before i got married i was never one to advocate a woman cheating even if the husband cheats…..fast forward 8 years after marriage and i think different not cos i think its not bad but cos my husband has cheated on me about 4 times and i don’t feel that fire in my marriage anymore….i have made up my mind that if i meet anyone i like i will have an affair….i have actually slept with another guy in a room but could not bring my self to make love with him….after that i still found out my husband had another affair and that did it for me…i don’t need to ever confess anything to him if i ever do have one and i would want him to also feel how it feels to be cheated on….i now let him know whats good for the man is also good for the woman, if he thinks am having an affair that’s his headache cos am past caring……men should understand that women are not fools and we choose not to have affairs cos we have self control not cos we don’t see men we are attracted to after marriage……its a two way traffic and commitment should be from both parties……besides God have given us all the ability to self-control but men seem to think its their God given right to cheat…..whatever you dish out to others be ready to receive and the only person i will owe any apology, regret or confession is to God…

    • i no send

      August 15, 2013 at 1:15 pm

      gbam @ shebaby

    • Fashionista

      August 15, 2013 at 2:06 pm

      Im sorry your husband cheated shebaby, it must hurt badly. Im sending you a big hug!

    • Ella

      August 22, 2013 at 8:24 am

      A hug to you madam Shebaby!!!

  24. Dame

    August 15, 2013 at 12:55 pm

    Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh ..I must say ill take it with me oooo…and if I must confess it will be to the reverend father! No other confession needed abeg…I no fit shout….infact I think my lover reads this blog so let me not confess if not ill destroy my chances of going to his wedding! Man must chop jolloff rice pere!

  25. Aqua

    August 15, 2013 at 1:05 pm

    hmmm… This is tough because they are two sides to this.. First of all, I don’t pray to ever be in this situation..(God forbid)
    Now, if i say i wouldn’t tell him and just sort myself out with God ONLY. I may justify my reasons with the fact that the knowledge would hurt/kill him and i may even lose him in the process , he may never trust me again, it will never be the same..bla bla bla so i keep quiet and let it go…take it to my grave..nobody gets hurt..no harm done…
    BUT hey…. on the flip side,what happens to me, the cheat??
    How do I overcome the guilt killing me inside?
    Doesn’t he deserve to know the truth?
    Shouldn’t I come clean and see if we can work things out?
    Shouldn’t I give him a chance to decide if he still wants to be with me or work it out? Don’t I owe him that?
    These questions will hunt me and i’ll want answers to them…. So personally,i think i’ll confess o, I want my peace and hopefully his forgiveness as well.

    • masked

      August 15, 2013 at 1:46 pm

      Learner!

    • Nino

      August 15, 2013 at 5:33 pm

      @ Masked—Let her confess naa, she go get PHD for this matter by force.

    • Jo!

      August 15, 2013 at 6:04 pm

      As in! Real learner!

    • Dammy

      August 16, 2013 at 1:34 am

      I don’t think you’re a learner. There’s nothing as fulfilling as peace of mind, if confessing will bring peace, then so be it. For those interested in making heaven, there’s a Biblical principle called Restitution i.e. giving back what you took that was not yours. Confessing to God is not enough, you must confess to your husband too. It will not be easy and may backfire but any heaven-bound Christian will know that you must seriously pray and probably fast before confessing. Remember the heart of the king is in God’s hands and he turns it wherever he desires. So cheating in return is not wise, it only brings you to his level of mediocrity, no man should make you lose your salvation. And keeping mum till your grave is also foolish cos you never know what you’ll meet at the judgment throne.

    • slice

      August 16, 2013 at 2:12 pm

      If u want to confess to him, do so but don’t say God is making u do it. The bible doent say any such thg. And restitition means giving back what u have stolen. If u’ve taken sthg from him, give it back. U were a faithful wife. How abt u go back to being faithful and sin no more. The woman. That was cauhgt in adultery. Jesus didn’t ask her if she slept with the guy. He just sd go and sin no more. U do the same. Ur kids deserve a happy home. Don’t ruin it to soothe ur conscience

  26. Person

    August 15, 2013 at 1:25 pm

    First, I am a woman. LMAO at confess. Tori kini? I will NOT be confessing ANYTHING. It is going to the grave with me. No, I won’t be confiding in ‘friends’. There will be no getting sloppy or confession to anybody. He will have to catch me red–handed and even then, his vision had better be 20/20! Point blank period.

    • masked

      August 15, 2013 at 1:47 pm

      ROFLMAO @ his vision had better be 20/20……Gbamest

    • masked

      August 15, 2013 at 1:47 pm

      If you get caught sef na to deny ontop

    • Person

      August 15, 2013 at 4:43 pm

      I am telling you o! If I ever cheat on a partner, my motto is DENY, DENY, DENY! I don’t know any man that will let it go.

  27. ian

    August 15, 2013 at 1:30 pm

    Sad thing is…pple have grown rili thick skin. So bad that there aint no guilt when they cheat. so carrying the guilt around doesn’t particularly wound anybody these days. I wont ever cheat and even if I did, I would… tell the dude… But I neva will(cheat) so its just as well. And yes, I have been in rili precarious positions to cheat so noise please.

    • So I had to anonymise myself for this one

      August 15, 2013 at 3:03 pm

      Just be adding by the grace of God to that commitment… There, but for the grace of God, as they say. Life can be funny sometimes.

    • Fashionista

      August 16, 2013 at 9:46 am

      Abi oh! A good number who have cheated didn’t always think they would cheat too. its all based on the circumstance.

  28. amaka

    August 15, 2013 at 1:39 pm

    See ehn you people should let someone hear word… men are very very unforgiving… i cheated on my boyfriend for reasons i cannot even explain right now, he found out two months later, that day that day he broke up with me,he said he might have forgiven me if i had confessed, me i know that one is a lie.. Confess gini?

  29. kellis

    August 15, 2013 at 1:44 pm

    It is better u confess and be free. We should not forget the saying that men are polygamous in nature. So men should be left to judge by God. I once did it but in the course of our discussion I made mention of it and it was during our dating period and u can’t imagine it never ended well but a least I had rest of mind. The bible said we should confess our sins to one another. It is better we do what the bible advice we do and leave the rest to God. Tnx

    • slice

      August 15, 2013 at 2:59 pm

      but it didn’t say confess your sin to the one you sinned against. upon all the people in this world, why must you confess to your b.friend

    • Slim

      August 15, 2013 at 3:32 pm

      God also said we shouldn’t fornicate! Don’t quote the scripture with bias please.

  30. abike

    August 15, 2013 at 1:47 pm

    a cheating man is a big no no and there is no norm about it

    • abike

      August 15, 2013 at 2:44 pm

      same as a cheating woman,

  31. Chika

    August 15, 2013 at 1:47 pm

    Biko, you don’t ever kiss and tell!!!!

  32. madman

    August 15, 2013 at 1:52 pm

    I have a friend, whose wedding was featured here on BN. A week after he got married, he got back sleeping with two (2) of his girlfriends. So many women are desperate to be a MRS. Only a fool wouldn’t know that he’s a “prolific” cheat as you call it. But she married him anyway. He called me the other day from Kenya, to discuss in great lengths his sexcapades. I’m not a marriage counselor but my married friends are all cheating on their MRS, for one reason or the other. If you do not PRAY about the person you are to marry, you have to accept my utmost sympathy now. No one else will pray for you, except YOU. When you willingly, knowingly, and purposefully marry a CHEAT because of a rush to be a MRS, status, wealth, or whatever reason known to you – you are a big FOOL to go around confessing about sleeping with whom. What bloody confession is that? You are miserable for making the wrong decision – deal with it and your conscience and above all, enjoy all the STIs and STDs…. rubbish. This marriage thing don tire me sef.

    • Mz Socially Awkward...

      August 15, 2013 at 3:05 pm

      Dude, you sound like you’re responding to someone’s comment in particular on this page… In any case, you’ve only touched on one parameter of cheating – i.e. the prolific cheat.

      I know men who got married as virgins and ended up cheating on their wives – maybe just once and maybe, sometimes, more than once. Life happens to people that way and I don’t condone it but I also can’t point at any one marraige and say “Nah, it’s never going to happen there”. The bible says it best – “If you think you are standing strong, be careful not to fall” [1 Corinthians 10:12] and the rest of that chapter points out that all temptations will happen to all men (and women).

      And on that subject of resisting temptation, I note that all the discussions on this thread seem to equate “Cheating” with having sex with a third party outside your marriage. What about flirtatious relationships that spouses have with 3rd parties, whether online or in person? Some girl/guy at work who exchanges texts or emails with your husband/wife? Going for occasional lunches with an ex/friend/colleague you have feelings for, which will never progress into a sexual relationship but which you’ll also never tell your spouse about? Is that cheating or do some people consider all that behaviour to be alright as long as nobody’s bought a pack of condoms yet?

    • Madman

      August 15, 2013 at 3:43 pm

      Not responding to anyone here. I’m just saying my own. You’re right, “cheating” is not just sex. But don’t go getting paranoid about who is having lunch with who….. Cut your partner some slack.

    • slice

      August 15, 2013 at 3:08 pm

      calling my husband in Kenya. abi na you madman they talk…..just kidding

    • Madman

      August 15, 2013 at 4:57 pm

      You should if your name start with a J.

    • D-Shokolata

      August 15, 2013 at 3:11 pm

      Maybe we need to chill with this prayer thing. How many people have seen “visions” stating that this man or woman is their wife/husband? Abeg, regligiosity is ridiculous in this country.
      You should be saying, get to know your partner. As best as you can. Notice the signs, listen to the way he or she talks. Understand their views, his he a chauvinist? is she rude? People always assume “prayer” would change things. Nope, it is a self-conscious effort to change certain things.
      Knowing your partner is not foolproof, neither is prayer by the way. If it was, we would not have any crises in the world.

    • Madman

      August 15, 2013 at 3:49 pm

      It’s not my problem though if you don’t believe in the power of prayers. Innermost conviction about your spouse is equally important . I know a man who “prayed,” met his a wife, and married her barely two weeks after they met. Five years later they’re still married with two kids. I agree that if you are ready you just are. But I know prayer works, only if you believe in it. I am of the opinion that you can’t really know someone. Popular example of the basketball player who was engaged for 10 years to a woman. Only to later reveal he was gay and loved men. So if YOU don’t believe in prayers, that’s your problem not mine.

    • magh

      August 15, 2013 at 3:29 pm

      wow Madman, you are right and you just got me scared! most Naija girls are rushing for that marriage status and all that and do not know what their husbands are up to..its quite pitiful on both parts..smh

  33. jcsgrl

    August 15, 2013 at 1:57 pm

    I realize there’s a tendency for this to descend to the valley of finger-pointing and holy admonition, let’s try to refrain from doing that.
    Atoksy baby, how will you get traffic on this site naa if you refrain people? Lol! Remove the clause and watch the comments climb up the 100s

  34. Bunmi

    August 15, 2013 at 2:20 pm

    I wont normally cheat, but if I do,I will definitely confess……………..but to God only (making sure all the doors and windows are firmly shut!) not even to the priest, who knows, my guy might just be the one hiding in the confession box…..he! he! he! men cannot handle or forgive that kind of thing, only women can.

  35. Aibee

    August 15, 2013 at 2:29 pm

    First of all, whoever came up with the lie that women cannot have sex without emotional involvement? Abegi! Aggro can catch women too and they will have sex, whether or not they are in love with the man.

    Now, I’d rather not know if my man was cheating on me. I wouldn’t snoop to find out and I don’t want him to tell me. No! Please keep the info to yourself thank you.

    If I did cheat on my man for whatever reason, I’d never ever tell him. Why should I?
    What value will the information add to his life? Mbok, some things are better left unsaid. I shall confess my sins to God, repent, ask for mercy and leave it a that. Which is why I’m amazed at those churches that teach that in restituting, a person who has committed fornication or adultery should go and confess to the spouse of the person he cheated with. Abeg, let no one destroy the home s/he didn’t build.

    In conclusion, when Jesus said “aye shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free”, I bet he was talking about salvation and all the life a dn abundant blessings he died to bring to those who accept him.

  36. Zayt

    August 15, 2013 at 2:44 pm

    Hian! Confess ke?! Lai Lai! Some things r better left unsaid. Don’t think I can cheat but if I do it will follow me to the grave. Forgive ke? My husband will NEVER forgive me dt I’m sure of so y deceive myslf.

  37. Guys Perspective

    August 15, 2013 at 3:07 pm

    Confession bawo, when I am not God, future wifey need not confess to me, just don’t sleep with any of my friends or family members. Hopefully I do not find myself in this predicament, but i will also not be confessing “nada”, I will plead the 5th…

  38. chibaby

    August 15, 2013 at 3:15 pm

    my dear even a man dat cheats on you will not 4give you. God 4bid dat I cheat but as a woman, dat man wey go 4gv u na from heaven em come straight o :). and 2be candid, in a rshp, once a guy cheats on me and I find out, na go be dat! and in a marriage,…God help me, in fact I think I’d rather not know, ignorance can really be bliss!

  39. Curiousjill

    August 15, 2013 at 3:37 pm

    I’m good friends with my gyneaco and STD rates she sees on a daily basis with young promising professional ladies , she said, is so alarming that she recommends remaining single than managing these dirty unfaithful men out there. Lawyers , directors, etc coming in and just devastated to find out they have one ish or the other and they swear they ve only been with the. Same guy. I just don’t understand why some women wi ll risk their lives like so all to be or stay in a toxic relationship

  40. Bobosteke & Lara Bian

    August 15, 2013 at 3:41 pm

    Me Da’s Good Book says, ” all things are lawful for me, but not all things are expedient; all things are lawful for me, but all things edify not”. It is normal and natural to want to tell. However, some truths should be withheld, not because there is no wish to come clean, but because the reverberating effects may be too much at the time. Always weigh the costs, both present and eventual. So if the time comes to tell all, it would be with minimal or no regrets.

    That said, I have found the men in life prone to conquering something in me that defies them. When one boyfriend cheated (maybe cos I was not giving him any) I took it in stride. My first instinct was to help him with the guilt because he was so appalled at himself that he cheated. When no “how could you’s? “what were you thinking” or crying bouts came up, I think the guy just went comatose with even more guilt and it all went down hill from there. I was called stuck up, cold, difficult and even unfeeling. I guess I was so unfeeling it took me two years to get over the whole shiding. Next one actually told me to my face, “I want to break you. I keep putting you in a bottle and you keep popping out”. It was then I knew for sure all of them craze.

    So yes women definitely have more shock absorbers.

    • Mz Socially Awkward...

      August 15, 2013 at 5:30 pm

      “I want to break you. I keep putting you in a bottle and you keep popping out”. Ehnn?? RUN! Run for your ever-loving life!!! (and when you’re safely out of reach, send him a copy of that post someone did today on the 21st century man).

    • pd

      August 16, 2013 at 6:41 am

      Hmmmmm…..i can totally connect to this……exactly what my ex told me when I didn’t throw any tantrums after he confessed to cheating! because really I knew you were cheating n all that talk of we being 1 n u dying if I ever cheat on you na wash……cos bobo no no say as him dey cheat…me too wash my bottles clean n was sampling my options! but being the smart 1 I neva confess! Caught me sef after his confession on top Another man lap…. i told him are we still an item……say i no no oh! phewwww! I ain’t got time for drama!

  41. nk

    August 15, 2013 at 3:49 pm

    confession? i pray oooo! men think they are the best cheaters,but what they don’t know is that women cheat cleanly. Most of the women that i know that have cheated one time or the other cheated without any atom of emotions. when a woman means to cheat eh,you as a man will cry when you find out. As for me,if i cheat,ain’t confessing to nothing jor.

  42. Naveah

    August 15, 2013 at 4:01 pm

    I am a bit confused about this write up. Are we talking about is it okay to stay with a partner who is a serial cheater because it is an unpleasant fact of life? or are we talking about needing to or not needing to know if a partner is cheating?

    Sha, my two rusty shillings: Everything depends on the conscience of the person doing the cheating and if they feel justified…clarification: there is no justification in hurting someone but some people will give themselves a reason for doing absolutely anything and it is their right.

    God forgives and forgets. Human being go sey he don forgive but to forget na anoda matter. People are prone to throw things in your face when they are hurting or looking to have the upper hand. I believe in full disclosure if the cheating has led to STDs or if a pregnancy has occurred because both these situations take matters further than just hurt feelings. And of course, if one is thinking of leaving one’s partner then obviously full disclosure should be made.

    However, if the cheating is a one off situation coming on the heels of high stress or feeling neglected emotionally and physically AND the affair is over, I don’t see why you need to say anything to your partner baring the situations above occuring. Confess to God who forgives AND forgets, the only One who can offer complete absolution and then speak to your partner about the feelings that led to the cheating without mentioning the cheating. Why rock the boat if everything else is good, if the good outweighs the bad but for a little wrinkle here and there? Wrinkles that can be ironed out at a counseling session.

    So that is me speaking from my lofty little perch of If Everything Was Black And White with No Grey Areas lol. I have a very LOUD conscience so I know personally I couldn’t keep that information to myself. I tell my hubby everything which some might say is bad thing but that is how I am, I wear my heart on my sleeves and if I cannot share with the man I took a vow with before God and whom I consider my best friend na who I go tok wit again biko? Having said that, I do pray that God maintain my marriage because cheating can happen to anyone and sometimes it can creep up on you and before you know it, you are down a slippery slope with no guard rails. And it doesn’t have to be physically, actually emotional cheating will get you before you even take your clothes off.

    As for the subject matter that began the write up, if a man or woman is a serial cheater, I think they should be allowed to stay single and continue sampling. No one who is monogamy minded should be yoked to a persona who is a serial cheater. It isn’t fair to both parties. So apply wisdom, take your disease free self and go find a partner who will value and respect you.

    • Madman

      August 15, 2013 at 4:06 pm

      well said. But in our culture na, every woman wants the MRS degree and will destroy her self esteem with a cheating spouse. Everything na manage, manage.

    • Naveah

      August 15, 2013 at 4:43 pm

      Thank you for the “well said” but as for the rest I no fit shout abeg

    • Fashionista

      August 16, 2013 at 9:57 am

      it is NOT EVERY woman abeg, stop with your gross generalizations, its really starting to get annoying!

  43. Madman

    August 15, 2013 at 4:02 pm

    I’m currently away from my girlfriend, I’ve spent the last 6 months in 15 different countries. She’s in Nigeria. Yes, I’ve cheated on her but that doesn’t mean I don’t love her. Do I plan to tell her? HECK NO! She’s not my wife yet, but I believe that when you marry though, no cheating and everyone should be open. I don’t plan to keep any secrets from my spouse. I can only marry a woman I love and respect. I also expect her to know and satisfy my sexual needs.

    • nwanyi na aga aga

      August 15, 2013 at 4:20 pm

      when u marry you will still cheat dear. its not a curse its psychology. And you will be a cheating spouse. Do u wish for her(your wife) not to manage you? be truthful.

    • Curiousjill

      August 15, 2013 at 4:45 pm

      At least you know the best most precisely descriptive and most suitable name for yourself . Madman .

    • Tell what

      August 15, 2013 at 4:47 pm

      Ode ni e. Were jati jati like your name. You are cheating on your girlfriend but you intend to stop when you are married. You can only marry a woman you love and respect. Madman you don’t know what respect is. Notice I did not mention love. To cheat on any woman at all is lack of respect for women in general end of. Whether the relationship is 1 month or 1o years. You chose to have A GIRLFRIEND. You chose it so. If you were totally single that is a different matter. A man who cheats has no respect for women. So is a woman who cheats too has no respect for me and both sexes who cheat have no respect for themselves. To wives who cheat after they found out their husbands cheated, my dear that is not revenge. You are poisoning your soul because of a mere mortal. Whatever satisfaction you gain from doing your own back is ephemeral. Revenge is like dipping your own leg in mud. never let anyone cause you to commit sin because we are each judged independently. Your spouse or boyfriend was not there when you were born. Chances are you will not even die together. So never let anyone make you lose your moral compass. That marriage is not worth it and a bad example to your children. He hurt you, you want to hurt him back, then you are in a ping pong of attack and revenge. No one is worth that. If you want to leave, leave. if you want to stay, stay. There are other ways of dealing with someone. Like I said above Crime and Investigation is a very useful channel. Lol.

    • Madman

      August 15, 2013 at 4:56 pm

      Why are you abusing me na? Wetin….. Only God can judge me.

    • Mz Socially Awkward...

      August 15, 2013 at 5:50 pm

      @Tell what – “Revenge is like dipping your own leg in mud. never let anyone cause you to commit sin because we are each judged independently. Your spouse or boyfriend was not there when you were born. Chances are you will not even die together. So never let anyone make you lose your moral compass.” I love that right there. Once abandoned my moral compass due to a horrible break-up with an ex (you know the kind that’s cruel, where he abruptly shuts you out of his life without telling you anything is wrong or actually breaking up with you? That kind). NEVER AGAIN WILL I ALLOW ANYONE THE POWER TO MAKE ME TO DIP MY OWN LEG IN SHIT.

      @Madman, child, please . You’re doing that girl all kinds of wrong and you know it. Plus I’ve seen your scathing judgement of certain people (e.g. women looking to answer Mrs. by force, that girl just below who’s befriending a married man). “Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned, Nor hell a fury like a woman scorned”. If she removes cloth and swears for you…. Abeg, repent.

    • Sere

      August 15, 2013 at 9:25 pm

      So if you’re out there counting on your fingertips how many gifts your boyfriend is bringing you from the 15 countries he’s been to lately… well maybe you can call him and ask for running shoes as well?

    • Miss Anonymous

      August 16, 2013 at 4:08 pm

      Madman, what if your girlfriend reads this post? As it is, you’ve droped enough clues already.

    • Miss Anonymous

      August 16, 2013 at 4:10 pm

      Madman, what if your girlfriend reads this post? As it is, you’ve left enough clues already.

  44. And that's me.....

    August 15, 2013 at 4:15 pm

    Okay now to start with, i had been single for 7m0nths with no relationship whatsoever with any man, fastforward march this year, i met this dude via my blog and we got talking and for 3months i never met up with him but i hadthis crazy feelings thati was in love with him and i felt he did too, July precisely i drove from Cambridge for the first time to London in my life#u dont wanna know how eager i was# fastforward i saw him and in Nanosecs we were all over eachoda#so i tot#,we made love and trust me it was the best i ever had in my life, however while lying down beside him i noticed d normal ring sign and i asked him if he was married, Lo and behold he was married, i went rage in anger and i felt like dying at that spot, then he starts the explanation about how he has been in hell with his wife and all that, how miserable he was and all. that day was the biggest regret of my Life, not because i had sex with him but because it would be in the record of my heart that i slept with a married man, this guy or man has been begging and having blocked him from all social networks he sends me screen grabbed pictures of what is happening in his home and he sends me at least 20 messages every day saying he was sorry and he is ready to leave his wife and marry me…..i need your help guys am on bella naija to discuss this because i sense a lot of maturity form commenters and av been oytta naija for a yl so i want blunt advice from you guys as i dont really av naija freinds here…..

    P;S- PLEASE OVERLOOK MY ERRORS IN ENGLISH AND HELP A SISTER#LUVS

    • Madman

      August 15, 2013 at 4:26 pm

      Ok, I’m going to be nice but pls, GO find your OWN spouse. Leave this married man alone. You will destroy your self esteem. He is lying and doent plan to leave hiswife. I don’t want to be lengthy with my response.

    • Person

      August 15, 2013 at 4:37 pm

      RUN! RUN!! RUN!!! Sister, it is a waste of emotions. TRUST ME. BECAUSE I HAVE BEEN THERE. I didn’t know too and by the time I found out, it was too late. I was in too deep and it took me almost 2 years to get out of that relationship. He was my BFF, I trusted him with my life and my family even met him. YES. I was in that DEEP. With a married man. He kept saying he would divorce his wife to marry me and seemed to mean it, but my conscience wouldn’t let me rest. The event that broke the camel’s back was that his wife got pregnant. A 2nd time. And all of a sudden, I could see clearly. He was NEVER going to leave his wife for me. Didn’t matter if I met ALL of his friends, his staff or some of his family. And he shouldn’t have had to make that choice for me. Remember that Yoruba adage that says, ‘pasan tan fi na iyale, o wa laja fun iyawo’, meaning the whip that was used against the senior wife is at the top of the ledge for the junior wife. Even if he leaves his wife, let it not be because of you. Men will say ANYTHING to keep a side-piece. Let him deal with his marital issues with his wife in peace. My advice: RUN!!! Change your phone number if you have to. Do not give in to pity or fake emotions. All the best o!

    • Curiousjill

      August 15, 2013 at 4:41 pm

      Since you are asking for help, I will cut through the diplomacy and tell you this is a messy situation that will only hurt you and make you a bitter woman when you don’t get your desired outcome from this dude . A cheat is a cheat is a cheat no matter how horrible or wonderful a situation he is in. He is using you as a conquest and you, owe it to yourself to find a man without baggage or drama . Remember we all lose these men and women the exact way in which we found them in the first place. You already feel used but cutting your losses now in my opinion makes you a winner rather than loitering around and letting this guy dishonor your even more. You made a mistake unknowingly But, your actions after you have realiZed your mistake is your biggest moral test. It s just extremely odd how this dude conveniently forgot , for 3 months , to mention to you that he was married. I would hate to see him exhaust ur “kini” and then tell you “sorry my wife and I have resolved our issues “. Tales like this never end happily

    • Tell what

      August 15, 2013 at 4:52 pm

      Heard of the phrase “if he cheats with you, he will cheat on you”. My dear YOU ARE NOT SPECIAL. No let Scandal deceive you. The life of a mistress is BS. You will not wish it on his daughter. He is having marital problems, and so what. Did you cause it? Put yourself in his wives’s shoes and then come back and ask that question

    • Naveah

      August 15, 2013 at 5:24 pm

      For real, no judgement (maybe a little) but I am still stuck on the fact that you slept with a man that you talked to online for all of 3 months but have never met before in your life. I guess it is truly factual that the internet can allow one to feel so comfortable with a person they’ve “met” online as though they’ve had a long term knowledge of the person.

      I might come off mean and you said be blunt and if I am nothing else, I am that…blunt. So here goes for your benefit –

      Girl, number 1 thing be sey you are living dangerously! Do you know that you could have ended up a carved up Jane Doe in a ditch? How do you know this dude was not a serial killer or serial rapist? You are that naive and trusting of a total stranger? You sure sey you no crase? If you love your parents and your life, please refrain from this type of behavior unless you want to end up on national tv and a missing poster.

      number 2 – if you had spent time at a cafe getting to know one other over a cup of cappucino, it would have allowed you enough time to see that he has a tan spot where his ring used to be before it relocated to his pocket! What exactly was your rush, abeg? E do you reach like that? There is a reason the middle finger is longer than the rest besides flipping your fellow drivers the bird in traffic.

      number 3 – the only person you should be mad at is yourself because the man only did what you ALLOWED him to do so direct your rage to the appropriate party aka YOURSELF!

      number 4 – it is all well and good that you have blocked him from all your social media outlets but the fact that you are asking us to weigh in on this matter goes to show that you are NOT completely done with it. BECAUSE if to sey you know sey the man no dey leave him wife for some chick he met online who was willing to drop trou before knowing his preferred brand tooth, you would have kept this little bit of youthful indiscretion to yourself. And I hope you are no where south of 30 with this ish here! How do I put this nicely, oh forget it…listen to me, girl: HE IS NOT LEAVING HIS WIFE ANYMORE THAN I AM GOING TO WAKE UP AND FIND MYSELF BLONDE, TONED AND 6FT! HE JUST WANTS TO SEE IF HE CAN HIT THAT POOTY TANG TIME MORE TIME AGAIN ESPECIALLY SINCE HE DIDN’T HAVE TO WORK HARD FOR IT THE FIRST TIME!

      Ngwa, listen we all do stupid things in this life. Forgive yourself. Block every avenue he is using to send you 20 messages and screen grabs, seal every nook and cranny so that he doesn’t get to you. Distract yourself with positive activities that reinforce and accentuates the awesome parts of yourself. Surround yourself with people who love, motivate, inspire and encourage you. And I beg you for the love of God, do not repeat this course of action again! It is not only detrimental to your physical, mental, emotional and spiritual health, you are messing with your family (karma is a biatch and you will marry one day) and someone else’s so this goes way beyond you and your need to feel wanted and/or needed.

      *wiping brow* WHEWWWWWWWW! Ndito mbin (translation: children of today)

    • Mz Socially Awkward...

      August 15, 2013 at 6:10 pm

      As in, starting from today, I’m going to stop judging those teenagers I hear about in the news who meet a guy in Facebook and end up going to some hotel room to meet him… (although, Naveah, I vehemently disagree with your number 3 point up there).

      @And thats me… everyone’s told you what’s needed to be done… and in the kindest way possible. Being single is not fun and I should know but honey, it’s not that hard. You need to protect your own self because the ish you’ll have to deal with if you continue seeing him could really mess up your mind. And the amount of Naija married men in this UK who are poised to prey on single gals is incredibly scary. Unlike a quote-unquote Typical Naija Gal back home who’ll probably date a married man simply for financial and material reasons, many single girls here already hold their own and will be more likely to date a single man out of loneliness (the ones I know, anyway).

      One flatmate I once lived with used to date a married man. Both of the culprits were Naija people living in the very same town. The stupid idiot later ran into me at the gym and started hitting on me WHILE HE WAS STILL DATING HER AND SHE WAS STILL LIVING WITH ME. I had to wonder to myself, “Na wa oh, see this hairy, dim-witted goat really believing in his heart that he can have his cake at home and two tarts (pun verily intended) living under the same roof”. See wetin living abroad dey cause, maybe he for ask us to come do threesome. Filthy Bastard.

    • Curiousjill

      August 15, 2013 at 6:42 pm

      Your write, outstanding by the way, has underscored the fact that these men are just monsters that women have allowed them to be cos yeah she dropped the pata quite too soon.

    • Cee

      August 30, 2013 at 5:23 pm

      Naveah you are spot on! No judgement here either but ladies we need to learn to love ourselves. We give men way more power than they deserve. You are in control of your own life. Why is considering this married man an option? Have men finished in the world? As someone already pointed out men will say anything to keep their booty call. My dear shine your eye and run!! You deserve way better. In the future get to know a man properly before considering getting physical. Aggro na bastard but sister hold body.

  45. The Real Madam the Madam

    August 15, 2013 at 5:01 pm

    Abeg o, if I ever cheated on my man I will never confess. Confess gini? Somethings will follow me to the grave. In this case, the truth will not set your free…it will only land your ass in hot water. Aint no confessions coming from me, that’s for sure.

  46. Naveah

    August 15, 2013 at 5:26 pm

    *toothpaste*

  47. eight is an understatement

    August 15, 2013 at 5:35 pm

    marital dos and don’t, besides say the truth and it shall set you free. stay away from third party deals. #shikena

  48. And that's me.....

    August 15, 2013 at 7:34 pm

    @evryone who gave there honest opinion i genuinely appreciate and in as much as some comments seemed so mean#i asked for it# i would not slip out in making amends with myself…@madman i am not holding a married man#neva knew he was and the minute i knew i ran, maybe i dint run enouf, thanks for your words though lotta senses [email protected] yes sis am on that marathon race already running it#lol#@curiousjil thanks a million, yea you should wonder like am still wondering cos before we met in person, we talked and chat every bit of the day even he had call midnights and we had talked for hours and he had woke me up in the morning before i go to [email protected] what tahnks alot but no i have always cursed those who sleep with married men and i swear i never knew cos i know what it is and its what my mum is facing so i know the hymns that comes with [email protected] you got me laffing and crying u were damn mean but u couldnt have said it better, i was stupid to av had sex but dat one moment ur emotions give u away#i no crase ooo and am not 30 am 22 and the dude we talking about is 31#thanks alot#@mis socially awkward thanks ALOT #LUVS

    • slice

      August 15, 2013 at 9:03 pm

      just keeping it real for you. The man may actually leave his wife for you. he may actually love you. unfortunately life is not so black and white. see angelina Jolie. The guy did leave his wife for her. I’m saying this because the guy may mail/fax/e-mail you the divorce papers tomorrow or you may hear from a very good source that the marriage is truly over.

      the real question here is how do you feel about dating him when he slept with you without first letting you know he was married? or when he was technically married and slept with someone else.

      Cause i’m saying now after everyone finishes talking to you about it, you heart will be firm that you can never see him again because he’s married, but what if it becomes clear that he’s not married anymore. Now What?

    • Naveah

      August 15, 2013 at 10:04 pm

      Sending you tons of love, hugs, light and positive vibes. It shall be well eh ndo eh nne.

    • Me too....

      August 16, 2013 at 2:38 am

      @ and that’s me I’m experiencing the same thing. Might even be the same guy. He lives in London, is 31 as well and once I found out he was married and tried to cut him off he started sending me screen grabs of what’s happening in his home. What’s his initials?

    • Jubaoluwa

      August 17, 2013 at 3:44 am

      BN business idea for you -I strongly feel this website can be used as a date screening site for nigerian women and men, No name dropping, just describe your ex, his shady traits and sociopathic modus opera di and compare notes….this could be a marriage disaster aversion opportunity for a lot of people. Trust me, some of these shady men and women have a recurring pattern. How do you think crimes are investigated? It’s by M.O…cheating men often tell the same exact lies to different women. There was an Oprah episode about 10 years ago that featured about 5 or so women who were in a relationship with the same man during the same time frame. One of the women had an inkling, starting digging and found out there 4 other women and the guy pretty much told them all the same lies which is how they all ended p on Oprah

  49. Nene Leakes

    August 15, 2013 at 7:39 pm

    It’s funny that nobody has even mentioned the root cause of cheating. Most of the comments here are just ‘I don’t want to know if he’s cheating or I will not confess if he’s cheating’. I’ve been close to cheating on my boyfriend once (now husband) simply because I felt he wasn’t paying any attention to me. More than anything I wanted to do it and then either confess or do it in such a way that he will find out. I didn’t though sha but after that experience it got me thinking about what pushes people to cheat. Ofcourse, there are some immature ladies and guys out there that don;t value their relationships or marriages but there are also women who have mentioned more than twice that they feel neglected and guys who have complained tirelessly of how you’ve gained mad weight and you;ve stop doing those sexy things. There are wives/husbands at home who constantly belittle their significant others and make them feel like nobody. If some cute guy or girl at their work place is always praising them and making them feel special don’t you know they will fall easily.
    It’s good to be honest about your infidelity in your marriage. In some cases the person been cheated on has contributed to a small extent to the cheaters actions. That is the first step of healing. Ofcourse if you feel you’ve given your all and your spouse has absolutely no reason to peep out there then you have every right to walk away.
    A day after I married, I shared with my husband the time I wanted to cheat on him, and another time I developed a mild crush on this other guy. He in turn told me about two girls that he hooked up with. I don’t know how God did it but we were able to move past it, accept we wouldn’t bring all that into our marriage. I know some people are saying how do you know he won;t cheat on you or you on him…the truth is that I don’t know but GOD is my best friend in this marriage.

    • randommer

      August 16, 2013 at 3:52 am

      o ma she. isn’t it telling that you wanted to cheat but didn’t and he cheated with two people and didn’t say jack until you confessed something of little consequence? was it when he was cheating that you were feeling neglected? i’m happy you moved past this, but this story leaves a very bitter taste in my mouth. yuck

  50. Two Shillings

    August 15, 2013 at 8:45 pm

    El-Oh-Freaking-El!!! Atoke u don cause katakata for cyberspace, I’m in stitches!
    Me o, I think pleading the 5th is preferred ’cause, believe me, the cheatee will forever carry one kain eye dey look the cheater. That said, the 2 both of you, stay true to each other!

  51. deyepee

    August 15, 2013 at 9:22 pm

    Choii all these UK boys sha. As my elder sister will say “ko si oko ni UK” no husband in UK. No confession shall be done. @Andthatsme dont take it too hard on urself love, shit happens

    • Bella

      August 16, 2013 at 7:17 am

      LMAO!! 🙂 So na wia you wan go find husband 🙂

      That statement does apply to Scotland sha! One now has to do Private Investigation on any guy dat toasts you. If he isn’t already hitched, he has wifey already booked in Naija waiting to come and join him so women beware!!:-)

  52. pd

    August 16, 2013 at 6:53 am

    I confessed once…..to kissing! N he dumped my sorry ass!!

  53. Onondje bathsheba

    August 16, 2013 at 1:45 pm

    confess ko tell ni

  54. Jubaoluwa

    August 17, 2013 at 3:41 am

    BN business idea for you -I strongly feel this website can be used as a date screening site for nigerian women and men, No name dropping, just describe your ex, his shady traits and sociopathic modus opera di and compare notes….this could be a marriage disaster aversion opportunity for a lot of people. Trust me, some of these shady men and women have a recurring pattern. How do you think crimes are investigated? It’s by M.O…cheating men often tell the same exact lies to different women. There was an Oprah episode about 10 years ago that featured about 5 or so women who were in a relationship with the same man during the same time frame. One of the women had an inkling, starting digging and found out there 4 other women and the guy pretty much told them all the same lies which is how they all ended p on Oprah

  55. Bimp

    August 19, 2013 at 4:20 pm

    This cheating game is really disastrous. Been married for one year and thought I had a perfect husband, it wasn’t until I got diagnosed with a STI that I realized I married a monster, tank God it was treatable. It’s really hard out there, men are pigs. I thought I forgave my husband and moved back in the house, but every time I see him, I have so much Hatred for him. He has cried, begged etc but I still can’t forgive him, right now i know hes not cheating but who knows what will happen in the future. I’m contemplating leaving him but my mom is saying that I should forgive cos I don’t know what to expect with the next man. The issue happened over four monts ago and I can’t seem to let go.

    He suggested marriage counseling but we haven’t started yet. I know he is truly sorry about cheating and giving me a disease and 90% of me feel like he wouldn’t do it again , but I still have the 10% doubt.

    Everyday I think of leaving him, we don’t have any kids yet so it’s not going to be complicated. I’ve tried to cheat on him as a form of revenge but I can’t get myself to do that., but if I cheat, the only reason why I would confess is to hurt is feelings so he knes he it feels to be cheated on. But if be hadn’t cheated on me and I cheat, I would NEVER confess.

  56. Bimp

    August 19, 2013 at 4:23 pm

    This cheating game is really disastrous. Been married for one year and thought I had a perfect husband, it wasn’t until I got diagnosed with a STI that I realized I married a monster, tank God it was treatable. It’s really hard out there, men are pigs. I thought I forgave my husband and moved back in the house, but every time I see him, I have so much Hatred for him. He has cried, begged etc but I still can’t forgive him, right now i know hes not cheating but who knows what will happen in the future. I’m contemplating leaving him but my mom is saying that I should forgive cos I don’t know what to expect with the next man. The issue happened over four monts ago and I can’t seem to let go.

    He suggested marriage counseling but we haven’t started yet. I know he is truly sorry about cheating and giving me a disease and 90% of me feel like he wouldn’t do it again , but I still have the 10% doubt.

    Everyday I think of leaving him, we don’t have any kids yet so it’s not going to be complicated. I’ve tried to cheat on him as a form of revenge but I can’t get myself to do that., but if I cheat, the only reason why I would confess is to hurt his feelings so he knows how it feels to be cheated on. But if he cheated on me and I cheat, I would NEVER confess.

  57. mighty

    August 20, 2013 at 9:11 am

    u see een, this pastor dnt help at all when dey advice that this ladies make confessions …some years back she called 3 of us separately and told us of our existence in her life ,I was just grateful dat she didn’t do away with the 2 oda guys and settle for me ….sharply I packed my bags and left ….the reality is that the truth will not always set you freee. till date am still a little hurt .asides some medical conditions never say the truth.

  58. adorable cutie

    August 21, 2013 at 12:48 pm

    Its obvious that telling makes things worse so its just good to keep shut.

  59. Mesoma

    August 21, 2013 at 6:07 pm

    Revealing an affair is like breaking glass. even if you put the pieces back together, it can never be the same. Some people make look at the glass and still see its beauty while others will only see its damage.
    I had an affair two years ago and I was relieved when my husband found out. I knew I was going to tell him at some point because there’s nothing is hidden under the sun and I wasn’t brave enough to take it to the grave with me.
    Even though we are still together, things have changed. We haven’t been able to recover from it.

  60. Aye le.

    August 22, 2013 at 9:25 pm

    Cheated on my significant other 2ce he found out both times and forgave me. We still together. Have I stopped? nope. Will I marry? yes if he asks. Do I feel guilty?.what do u think?
    Does he know about the others? Nope

  61. e.owie

    August 24, 2013 at 6:34 am

    Hmmmmmmm……..why bother? Some stories are best left untold. That’s how we men roll

  62. Anonymous

    August 27, 2013 at 2:33 pm

    Dis is jst me,ma present boo is terible wen U̶̲̥̅ tell him stuffs lyk dis,so y tell?Sum tinz r best left unsaid chikena

  63. Sophie

    August 28, 2013 at 11:11 am

    Haha. From the comments above, it is confirmed that women are better cheats n are better in hiding it. I think that is why 9ja men are seriously deceiving themselves that their wives are really faithful. coz we are very good in hiding it n taking it to our graves. No way mehn! When i cheat, my hubby will NEVER find out. Shikena.

  64. Concerned fellow

    August 30, 2013 at 10:13 pm

    In my opinion, ladies you shuld be careful with things like this. i want to share my own personal experience. i told my hubby when we were dating abt a guy who was interested in me, after we got married, sumting happened to me that i was stranded in a city where i didnt know anyone and the only option was for me to sleep over in this guy house who once proposed to me when i was still single but this time hes already married living with his wife and kid. that day hubby didnt show that it bothered him so much bcos we were too concerned abt my ordeal that led to me sleeping over in this guy house, my point is that ever since this incidence ive not known total peace in my home, hubby brings this at the slightest argument, ive been told that his love for me has reached marginal utility and the love is starting to diminish and all sorts of hurrible things.. This incidence am still paying for it, so my advice to other ladies is apply wisdom in all u do. men dont forgive easily.

  65. U heartless

    August 31, 2013 at 12:46 pm

    U must b very stupid for dat…even after hurting her u still continued to cheat on her…y u confess ni…

  66. Diadem

    September 6, 2013 at 6:39 pm

    Hmmm! Went through all d comments. It’s really difficult to cope wen u find out ur spouse cheated on u. My hubby and I have been staying in separate towns wen this incident happened. I don’t think I can cheat, never did & all is by God’s grace bcos sm men who knw I’m married are still pushing.Hubby never confessed to cheating until I got a call one day dat my hubby is a rapist. D girl said hubby got her preggers & arranged wit her sibs & mum & kinda kidnapped him. Hubby later confessed to sleeping wit d girl(though he didnt say hw many times) & insisted he used protection. It was all police case as d girl’s family wanted to make it an underage rape case by falsifying d girls age. I called hubby’s entire family & dey later sorted it out. We found out d girl was kinda lose too, been with a lot of guys & dey later apologised for trying to impose d pregnancy on hubby. A close dr. later squilled dat dey removed d pregnancy. Hubby confessed crying oh. I 4gave him & has been trying to move on. Have put all behind me & he has been all over me since then. My trust 4him has nt fully gotten bak but I ve noticed a lot of good changes since then. I knw God fights 4me sha bcos I try 2rmain faithful.

  67. OLEKU

    September 9, 2013 at 2:07 pm

    WOW! This really is sad. If i am caught cheating, i will deny it Bluntly. Been in a relationship with this guy and like some 3months after, i caught him in the toilet with a girl at a house party. He begged and said nothing happened, i forgave him and never mentioned it again. After that, we got talking and i asked him if he has ever cheated, he said he had sex with a girl(one of his then girl friends)i forgave him again. Fast forward 4years into the relationship, i noticed funny attitudes, but never accused him of what i had no proof of. 5th year, i saw a video of a girl on his phone, the girl wore his boxers and t-shirt…..she did a dance which he recorded on his phone. I cried when i saw this, but as usual, he apologized this time without tears and i let it go. There was a time i went to spend the weekend with him, he had the guts to tell me he was going clubbing with his male friends and some of their gfs….(they went without me). Around that time, i saw a chat he haD with one of his gfs asking her “was i the last person you had sex with?”….I confronted him, and the reply was “it wasn’t sex per se'”… There was even a time i called him at 8pm, 11pm, 1am and 6am, it was a girl that picked up saying “why u calling my bf?” This time around, he came up with the excuse that the girl seized his phone because he refused to give her the password to the phone…ridiculous innit? But bobo came home to see me one day, met a guy at my place and before i knew what was happening, he slapped me twice, ordered me out of my room and threatened to beat me up if i didn’t get out…I was so embarrassed because a whole lot of people were there. We spoke about it as families tried to appeal to both parties not to give the devil a chance to come between us. Truth is, since that incidence, i have been trying to make things work on my end but he makes things complicated by always referring to when he met a guy at my place…even though nothing happened between me and the guy. I didn’t mention that i am no saint either and i have sex with a guy once which i still regret till date even though bobo doesn’t know about it. Now, we at crossroads, a whole lot of people already told me to move on. Would it be right if i move on??? I know some of you will insult me, but easy with the insults…. I stayed with him all this while because of the love. Even though he doesn’t trust me, and question every phone calls i receive in his presence. What do you advice i do? Give him another chance or pack my bag and follow Jesus??

    • Ceco

      September 10, 2013 at 9:11 pm

      Love is blind as the saying goes.

      You are not okay with his promiscuous self, which he exposed to your from the very get-go of your relationship, and yet you force yourself to live with this behavior of his, because your love for this person overcompensates and grows as days go by.
      It is apparent that you love this person, because if you didn’t, you wouldn’t be even questioning leaving, you just would have left already.

      The answers to all of your questions will be found within your own truth. You have to ask yourself: “What do I really want out of this relationship?” “How do I deserve to be treated in a relationship?” “Do I deserve to be treated as I am?”
      The truth will set you free in order to allow yourself the selfish choice of what it is YOU want.
      Love can kill you just as much as make you happy, if you let it.
      You can choose to stay with a person, until your love poisons the rest of you, and though you are there for one reason, thousands have accumulated that act against you.
      You shouldn’t look at this as quitting a relationship, but as surviving it so you can move forward.

  68. OLEKU

    September 9, 2013 at 2:26 pm

    *INCIDENT,…………*I HAD SEX

    • NK

      September 10, 2013 at 9:29 am

      You have seen your future with this guy, why are you still seeking for advice. You need to be strong. End of a relationship is not the end of life.

  69. NK

    September 10, 2013 at 9:28 am

    You have seen your future with this guy, why are you still seeking for advice. You need to be strong. End of a relationship is not the end of life.

  70. Ceco

    September 10, 2013 at 8:55 pm

    To the point:
    As a guy, would you rather your partner who has cheated confesses or would you rather not know?
    I would prefer to know so that we can discuss the outcome. Emotions may be flying, but sense is reason, and if I’m in love, not just there for comfort or a fling, I will listen acutely. Here is why:
    As a guy that has gone through this, and knowing of multiple others that have gone through this, my stance is a little more encompassing.
    I do believe it is beneficial to know the truth, even though it may alter the present, because it benefits the greater good. Every person has the choice if they so want, you proceed in the direction that you want when the truth is exposed, and you are certainly much more selfish.
    The answer lies greatly in the fact, whether the person answering this questions, is happy with their current self and the positive progress made since.
    The truth ultimately does set you free for the moment until you make the next choice of how to proceed. What you choose will show you who you are and what you want, as you very well know now.

    If you’ve been confessed to, please tell us how you handled it:
    I have not been confessed to, but found out while in a heated argument via a 3rd party = indirect confession, followed by a real one later.
    I once again know of others with similar situations.
    Given the circumstance under which the cheating occurred, I did realize that to some degree my own previous actions had helped the “cheat” to occur, thus I had a finger in that. As I loved that person, and realized my part as a whole indirectly caused, I was willing to move the relationship forward.
    IF the woman felt the same way, she would undoubtedly also want to repair a situation and the relationship should move forward.
    On the other hand, if you are a woman who confesses, you must be on your best behavior following such thing, because the other person is hurt.
    IF the cheat continues past the confession, and you as a woman exasperate the situation by continuing communication with the person with which you cheated on your relationship, then that will show most men, who you really want to be with, and then they won’t feel guilty about leaving.
    Those are my observations with me and friends of mine.

    Does the truth indeed set one free?
    Yes!
    It gives you freedom to make the choice you want to make at that point in time, and that is freedom.
    What you choose and the consequences of your choice, are yours to bear, but you were free to choose as you wished, and so you did regardless of what you chose to do.

    That is not the case with all people and there will aways be variations to my truth – it may not be your truth, but it is mine.

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