I really did.
I tried to love you despite knowing.
Knowing that you did not feel the same for me. Or maybe you did, but did not just care anymore. You made me love you, you stirred up feelings from deep inside of me that I didn’t even realize was there.
Ours was a love dance so perfect. Maybe too perfect, that’s why it ended so quickly. One minute I listened in euphoric bliss as you whispered sweet words in my ear. You told me you loved me, you celebrated our love. You painted a picture, a picture so perfect of what our future would be like. You called me special names. I couldn’t really care what you called me, all that sank in was that you were mine. Mine. I loved you so so deeply, I was scared of the intensity, but hearing your voice would make me calm. And I would thank the Lord all over again, just because you were mine. We’d known each other for quite a while, we played, we flirted, our eyes spoke volumes of what we felt, our hearts seemed to beat in sync but the words were never spoken. And one day…One faithful day, courage was summoned and feelings were put into words, it was bliss. Pure delightful bliss. I used to walk around with a broad smile plastered on my face, there was a spring to my step, a gentleness about me. People noticed, sure they did. When asked about it, I’d blush and turn the other way shyly. I was in love. Totally and completely devoted to you. There was a little snag….the distance. Ah, yes, the distance. But it didn’t matter much, you came around often enough, I was content.
And then one day it stopped. No warning, you suddenly stopped communicating with me. No explanation. Nothing. I lost my mind. Something died inside of me that day. I couldn’t understand.
Was it something I did, something I said, something I didn’t do? I was baffled. Confused. Hurt. I cried. Oh boy did I cry! The tears came pouring down like the huge torrential rains of the Amazon. For days, I wondered, I kept replaying our last conversation in my head. Over and over again. Need I say my thoughts became like a broken record? I analyzed every statement I made, your responses to them…nothing. Not a clue, not even the slightest inkling as to why you had stopped talking to me. The pain burned inside of me, I was a nervous wreck. I turned to your closest friend to help me understand, he too had no clue. Eventually you spoke to me. Oh, let me rephrase that. ..You communicated by sending a message. To me it seemed like the whole world, even if your message was a bit brash. I still hung on to the fact that you had communicated. You said you didn’t want me anymore, no reason, and no explanation. Just that you didn’t want to be with me anymore. Another onslaught of tears…I was devastated. How could this be? I reflected back on the last weeks before this, had I ever been that happy in my life? No. And it was you. No one but you who brought me so much happiness, so why you were causing me so much pain now, my mind couldn’t comprehend.
It’s been a while now, we pretend like we are friends. . . I still love you. So much. There’s still no explanation from you. I’m not really expecting one. But every day, I think of you, I ask all the “what ifs?” Was it something I did, or was this just a game to you in the first place? I’ll probably never find out. But there’s a lot of suppressed feelings, a lot of unspoken words. I’ve tried to move on but I still love you even though you may never love me back.
Photo Credit: Dreamstime | Elena Elisseeva