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Nicole the Fertile Chick: The Aftermath of Miscarriage

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Ever since I started this column, I have received so many requests to write about miscarriage. But my answer has always been the same… I didn’t feel I could emotionally connect with a subject I had never experienced myself. I was able to convince even myself that this was why I was avoiding the topic. But that answer was far from the truth. I have shied away from writing about it because of how raw the emotions are. You see, even though I haven’t had what is medically classified a miscarriage, my failed IVF cycle definitely felt like one.

I didn’t embark on that journey as educated about the process as I should have been. I began that cycle thinking pregnancy was guaranteed. When my embryos were transferred, in my mind, I was already pregnant. I had already calculated my due date (July 2011), and had started fantasizing about my triplets, all of whom I had already named. I had even verbally commissioned my friend, who was preparing for her vacation, to buy me some maternity outfits. But then like a bad dream, it all came crashing down. I wasn’t pregnant, as I had thought. I still struggle with the right words to describe how I felt in the weeks…and even months…that followed. Hollow, broken, shell-shocked, devastated, desperate. I cried till there was nothing left. The ache in my heart was so overpowering, it actually started feeling like a physical pain. It was my waking and sleeping thought…the “loss” of my dear triplets.

A few years later, I would walk down that road again. Some years prior, I had formed a strong friendship with a colleague of mine. We were an unlikely pair, as she was several steps lower in the hierarchy, even though we were the same age. Apart from the fact that she had a beautiful heart and was hysterically funny, we had infertility in common, and so became very close friends. She had even been married for longer than I had. Unfortunately, she and her husband were constrained by finances, and could not pursue as many options as possible. They one IVF cycle they were able to save for, failed. Eventually, she and her husband relocated to America, thanks to his siblings who had filed for them. She was so excited to be leaving, and looked forward to finally getting free medical care. I didn’t have the heart to tell her that it wasn’t quite that way in the U.S. Well, she got there, and found out for herself.
After 4 years of working and toiling, they were finally able to save for an IVF cycle…and it worked! I was over the moon when she told me, and even more so when she told me they were having twins! After 10 years of marriage, they had finally gotten their miracle! She sent me frequent pictures of her growing bump, asked me a lot of pregnancy and twin-related questions, and we just praised God together for this double blessing. But then one day, her BBM profile picture was a black box…the typical social media symbol for mourning.
As I sent her a desperate message, inquiring if she was alright, my heart was already racing in a desperate panic. “They are gone” was the reply I got. I fell into my chair in a crumpled heap, and couldn’t even manage a response. I just sat there, holding my phone and weeping. It took me almost a full hour to compose myself to call her. She didn’t answer my call, and sent me a message that she’d rather chat via BBM.

Chatting, she told me how her water had broken, at 19 weeks, and how there was nothing they could do to save them…her two boys. When she told me her husband was already making arrangements for their funeral, I knew it was time to get off the phone, as I was seconds away from another tearful episode. I felt broken for her, I felt robbed for her, I felt cheated for her, I felt angry for her! I questioned God…why? Why allow her to finally get this thing she had been praying so long for, and then snatch it away? If I had felt as broken as I had when I had lost my 2 week old embryos, how would she possibly feel loosing babies she had bonded with for almost 5 months? After a few weeks, she was able to start responding to her messages, and managed to joke how “Next time, na after I born una go hear oh!”. I laughed along with her, but deep inside, I realized that selfishly I wanted it that way too. I didn’t want to have to go through this trauma again.

There are so many other similar cases that I know of…and I realize the feeling of devastation is as deep and desolate in all these cases…from the woman who lost her baby at 6 weeks, to the woman forced to endure labour for 3 days, to remove a still-born 33 week old baby. What do you say to each of them, and to the women in between? That “it’s normal”? That “it happens to almost all women”? That “it will be okay”? Whilst these are all very true, at that point in time, I have found that the last things these women want to hear are platitudes. Imagine a bowl of water, which suddenly develops a hole. Telling the owner of the bowl that it happens to almost all bowls, won’t stop the water from gushing out. If you really want to help the owner, you try to plug the hole first…and then you can talk about the other bowls. As basic as this analogy might be, it captures how most of the women I know have gone through this, have felt. In those first few weeks, all she wants to do is mourn what she has lost. And you have to let her. I know it is very difficult, for husbands especially, but this is truly a case of the stronger party having enough strength to support them both. “Nicole, all she does is cry! From morning to night, all she does is cry!” was a complaint I got from an aggrieved husband. My response to him was he just had to let her. He could comfort and console her, but he just couldn’t try to rush this grieving process. In her own time, she would come around…and she did, eventually.

I have been repeatedly asked how long the pain will last…and if it will ever go away. My response is always the same…it varies from person to person. I know someone who, after a few rough days, washed her face one morning and was ready to take on the world…and started trying again, right away. And I know another woman whom it took over a year after her miscarriage, to return to see her Ob/Gyn. There’s no textbook timing, no set rule. And it can’t be forced either. A friend of mine was quickly pumped and prodded out of her grief by her very religious sisters, who convinced her that she was upsetting God by wallowing in her grief. I was surprised to see her acting overly chipper, bubbly and enthusiastic, just about a week after her miscarriage. She was all gong ho about trying again, and I was impressed that she had been able to overcome her grief in such a short period. But unfortunately, it was the story of a house built on sand, quickly washed away by the rain. When the following cycle failed to result in a pregnancy, she completely broke down, and started reliving the pain of her miscarriage all over again, the pain she had been forced to box away prematurely, without being able to come to terms with it, and find closure with it in her own time.

That is truly the only way to be able to move forward…to find closure. Once you are able to reach a place of acceptance, of trust, and indeed closure, you can honestly tell yourself it is time to move on. This is when you will truly be ready and happy to hear that it is normal…it does happen to other women…and it will be okay.
Baby dust to all!

Photo Credit: Dreamstime |  Wavebreakmedia Ltd 

Nicole is a woman in her late 30s, with a passion for all things fertility related. She suffered infertility for the first 3 years of her marriage, and found it extremely isolating. After she had her kids, she started The Fertile Chick (www.thefertilechickonline.com) to create a community and happy-place for all women, in various stages of the fertility journey.

52 Comments

  1. Idomagirl

    July 6, 2015 at 8:09 am

    :'(

  2. en

    July 6, 2015 at 8:36 am

    This is one of the best articles I have read on grief and miscarriage. As a woman who experienced a last trimester loss, I have learnt that to lose a child is to lose the hope that was formed when the baby was conceived. You tend to mourn the milestones you will never get to celebrate. And it is best to mourn at your own terms. Never let anyone tell you how to mourn or how to grieve. In Africa, miscarriage and stillbirth is a taboo. Suddenly, you are warned to never talk about it, no one should know your baby died. You are treated as though your baby was a figment of your imagination and for me, that is what I find most hurtful.

    But after a while, you learn to mourn differently. There is another side of grief where the tears still flow, just not as often. Where memories bring smiles not just saddness but the grief doesn’t completely end. There isn’t a moment where you are done and can neatly put it away.

    • nicolefertilechick

      July 6, 2015 at 3:04 pm

      en, thanks for putting this so beautifully…especially about mourning the milestones you will never celebrate, and memories bringing smiles and not sadness. God bless you for this!

  3. MSU

    July 6, 2015 at 8:43 am

    OMG! This is so timely. I recently suffered a missed miscarriage at 11 weeks and to be honest nothing could prepare me for that! It is a devastating blow. I went from being horrible ill with NVP to not being pregnant…all of a sudden. NO warnings, no nothing. Went in for a scan to be told baby (whose heartbeat was fluttering fine a few weeks prior) no longer had a heartbeat and wasn’t moving at all. Absolutely nothing. Just. like.that. No explanations were offered. I went home that day and cried my little eyes p I’ve blamed myself, blamed stress, blamed illness, blamed my partner and even blamed the doctors.

    I was getting excited at finally reaching the end of the 1st trimester, we had picked out names and everything and just like that everything changed. The experience afterwards was the worst to say the least. Conversations about medical management(misoprostol), natural and d&c’s terrified me. I opted for medical management which seemed to be the safest and quickest to me at the time. We wanted to end this episode as quickly/safely as possible, move on with our lives and begin to try again, but after multiple rounds of misoprostol and not being able to pass all the tissue we had to go for a d&C.

    It’s been so difficult watching other friends announce pregnancies/deliver in that time. I keep asking myself what they did that i somehow missed. I took my prenatals, rested well, prayed and tried not to stress. I’m now absolutely terrified of losing another pregnancy. The doctors say its nothing to be worried about, but how can one not worry?

    I truly now understand the plight of women who are experiencing fertility issues or have had multiple miscarriages and pray God grants us all our heart desires.

    • Debee!

      July 6, 2015 at 10:38 am

      It is well with you, *cyber hugs*

    • nicolefertilechick

      July 6, 2015 at 3:06 pm

      Sending you plenty of hugs MSU. I’m really sorry for your loss. Thanks so much for sharing this. May you be blessed with your forever babies soonest!

  4. Dp

    July 6, 2015 at 9:26 am

    Ha Nicole, you are so on point, This just happened to me last week, lost my 14 weeks old baby, the blood that came out of my body hennnnnnn, I didnt know I had that kind of blood for body ohhh.. It is still shocking cos i was looking forward to having a December baby and having the baby in America, well the bible says in all things give thanks. The most important thing is having a healthy baby and i know by his grace another one will come and it will stay. I dint even know such will happen to me being that I had a stress free pregnancy (My 1st)

    • nicolefertilechick

      July 6, 2015 at 3:08 pm

      So so sorry for your loss, Dp! It is so painful making those plans and having them crashing down! May your child get his/her sibling(s) soonest! xoxoxo

  5. BB

    July 6, 2015 at 9:30 am

    Hello Nicole. Thank you very much for this article. You have raised a very important point here. The mother NEEDS to greive! There is no way around it. She must have that time to grieve and get over the loss by herself. During this period she will need a lot of support from her husband and family. I have gone through this two times. First time was a Miscarriage at 13 weeks, and then a few years later, lost a baby at 22weeks. I still think about them till now even though I’ve moved on. It would have been harder for me to recover if I didn’t have the support of my husband and family back then. I got the space I needed to work thought it and the same should be given to every woman.
    Thanks again Nicole.

    • nicolefertilechick

      July 6, 2015 at 3:10 pm

      Thanks so much for this, BB!. Grieving properly is extremely important. It’s the only way to move forward! God bless you! I pray you get your forever babies soon!!

  6. Rantty

    July 6, 2015 at 10:03 am

    The article is really interesting. But the truth is no words can capture the pain a woman goes through after losing a pregnancy. Trust me i know. Have been there. I have lost two second trimester pregnancies 16 and 17 weeks. The pain was horrible. The lactating breasts some days later a reminder of what you have lost. I lost my ist preg abt 2 months to my wedding. Whilst it was very painful i had every reason to be hopeful. So u can imagine my shock when i wasn’t able to conceive again for 3 years after my marriage. Took alot of herbs and drugs all to no avail. I had to do ivf to conceive again. It was a success at first try! Triplets!!! You can imagine my joy. Started bleeding at 9 weeks. Lost one of the babies. Water broke at 16 weeks. Lost the remaining two at 17 weeks. The pain was horrific. I was shattered. My husband was stunned. This happened feb last year. Somehow i was able to muster the courage to move on so did my husband. Since then no pregnancy. 2 failed iuis and i failed ivf. What i know is that time heal all wounds no matter how deep. Did i mention i have fibriods too and i had myomectomy in 2012? Pregnancy loss is more painful after several years of battling with infertility. I have experienced both.

    • Tess

      July 6, 2015 at 10:43 am

      Rantty you will carry your children very soon to the glory of God. Please don’t ever stop believing. It will happen and your joy will be full,in Jesus name. Amen. God will restore all you have lost.

    • Ivy

      July 6, 2015 at 12:15 pm

      The Lord is your strength dear! You WILL conceive and bear forth children.

    • Ij

      July 6, 2015 at 12:40 pm

      In a short while, you will carry your babies in your arms. Lots of hugs.

    • Jhennique

      July 6, 2015 at 2:04 pm

      Jesus!

    • nicolefertilechick

      July 6, 2015 at 3:12 pm

      Rantty, I am so moved by your story! My sister, your story is not over yet!!! You will hold your children in your arms, by God’s ever powerful and ever merciful grace! Late term miscarriages are even harder to bear, but I thank God for keeping you standing. It is well with you. Miscarriages or not, failed cycles or not, myomectomies or not, you shall carry your children! God bless you! xoxoxo

  7. judy

    July 6, 2015 at 10:42 am

    unexplained msc can be quite traumatising, especially when it is re -occurring. You do all manner of tests and nothing is wrong. Yet you keep falling preggy and losing it. That is when youknow that only God can help, And he does HELP. Just hold on to his word and confess it, and plead for mercy. Yes, mercy, even if you married as a virgin. YOU will carry a child full term and have a living breathing baby in your arms. Dont despair. Be it 4, 5, 7, 9 or even more miscarriages, it does not intimidate God.

  8. Kiki

    July 6, 2015 at 11:33 am

    Thanks for this beautiful write up. Having worked as a doctor in an early pregnancy unit, I realised that one thing we forget when it comes to miscarriage is the father. They have to be strong for their partner but they also grieve. We never remember to console the men in our society.

    • nicolefertilechick

      July 6, 2015 at 3:13 pm

      Thanks Kiki. You are so correct. The fathers are often forgotten, and they are often just as hurt as we are.

  9. Lola

    July 6, 2015 at 11:36 am

    I had a miscarriage at 9 weeks. It was horrible. I was at work on a Wednesday morning and i just started bleeding, so much blood, i stained my clothes. Thank God for my boss, she quickly sent her maid to get a wrapper for me (she lives close to the office) and called my hubby and then drove me to the hospital. It was so embarrassing, everyone knew at work what happened. When we had the scan, the sac was incomplete and i had an incomplete miscarriage. I have forgotten the term they used for it. I had to have an evacuation to remove the remaining embryo. I was so distraught, but God comforted me, my husband stood by me. One thing that annoyed me was how people told me it is normal to miscarry the first child, and how many women go through it as if it is not a big deal and then another woman said, i was only 9 weeks so it wasn’t really formed so i shouldn’t grieve. I was so upset. How inconsiderate can we be? It wasn’t long after (in fact just 2 months), i got pregnant again. This one too was tough. I had false labour at 29weeks and a difficult pregnancy, but God was faithful and i had my beautiful daughter a year ago. I still think about that miscarriage, it was really hard and honestly till i got pregnant again, i was so down. I pray that God grants all the joy of carrying their child.

    • nicolefertilechick

      July 6, 2015 at 3:16 pm

      Lola, I’m so so glad your story ended in praise!!! I’m so sorry you had to go through your miscarriage so publicly. And the comment about it being only 9 weeks and not fully formed…really some people need to have their mouths padlocked, and the key thrown away permanently! Who says that??!!

  10. Mrs Obe

    July 6, 2015 at 12:12 pm

    I have a friend who got married @ 21 as a virgin. She’s had more than 6 miscarriages. her resilient spirit,passion and zeal for God never ceases to amaze me. i equally have been ttc for 18mths, i must confess its not been easy. Baby dust to us all !!!

    • adwoa

      July 6, 2015 at 2:33 pm

      I lost my first baby at 28 weeks. Eventhough I had been informed that she wouldn’t make it since week 23, a small part of me kept hoping that the doctors were wrong. The period in between was filled with secretly mourning my baby who wouldn’t live and also praying for a miracle from God to make my baby live. After the loss, I shut the world out and mourned my poor baby. I kept mourning secretly throughout my second pregnancy as some members of my family and friends couldn’t understand why I was expecting another baby and was still mourning my first. I think I only had closure some months after my second baby was born. Even till now, certain questions trigger the pain of the loss. When I’m asked how many children I have; if my baby is the first child, etc. The pain of a lost child becomes manageable with time, but you can never forget about it. A dear friend of mine is currently suffering from repeated first trimester miscarriages. This friend was a pillar of support during my dark days, however I’m sad I can’t be same for her as she doesn’t share much. I’ve been praying for God to have mercy on her and have been calling and texting to check on her but I wish I could do more. My hubby and I have tried to arrange visits but her husband doesn’t seem too comfortable with that so we’ve had to hold on. I wish i could do more since I can really relate with her situation, hmmm.

    • nicolefertilechick

      July 6, 2015 at 3:22 pm

      adwoa, I had tears in my eyes reading your comment. Losing a child at 28 weeks is bad enough…knowing 5 weeks beforehand, and living through that kind of limbo makes it even worse. I understand you mourning your dear baby for as long as you did, and not knowing to answer if it was your firstborn or not. My Mom lost a boy at 28 weeks, and I sometimes wonder what it would have been like to have an older brother. I think about him a lot, and I’m sure my Mom still does too. And I’m so sorry about your friend. Some people tend to internalise things and deal with them in their own way. Just keep praying for her hun. When she’s ready, she’ll reach out. God bless you! xoxoxo

    • nicolefertilechick

      July 6, 2015 at 3:19 pm

      Please keep praying for your friend, Mrs Obe. I can only imagine what she must be going through. And good luck to you too! May both your dreams come true soonest! xoxoxo

  11. MRS A.

    July 6, 2015 at 2:53 pm

    This is my first time reading your article Nicole and youve brought me to tears. To Ratty and all the precious ladies who have suffered miscarriages i send you my biggest warmest hugs. I pray God comforts, consoles, heals and restores ALL that you have lost. in Jesus name you will all be joyful mothers very soon.
    I had two stillbirths, the 1st at 25weeks and 2nd 27weeks. one was a complete placenta abruption and the pain of the placenta ripping away from my baby is one i dont wish on my enemies. You have to grieve, so you can heal, i am a christian and tried to hide my pain by quickly moving on but na lie!!!! becase i was all smiley about it pple were confused and treated me like it wasnt a big deal too, but iwas dying inside, and upset with them for “quickly forgetting my ordeal” . But God helped me and i finally had to deal with the raw pain. The pain of breasts swollen full of milk with no baby to suck, nightmares of being in labour and pushing out your dead babies, shame and ridicule of people who saw my big belly and ask “oh youve delivered, was it a boy or a gril? and you have to answer “theres no baby…………..
    But today by Gods grace i am a mother!!! and so will all of you who read this and are ttc, hope in Jesus, He did it for me He will do it for you. i leave you with psalm42: why art thou so cast down oh my soul? hope thou in God, who is the health of my countenance and my God.

    • nicolefertilechick

      July 6, 2015 at 5:54 pm

      Gosh, Mrs A! Thank you so much for sharing. I’m so sorry for both your stillborns…it must have been traumatic especially feeling the pain of the placenta detachment. But our God being so merciful, I am so happy you got your happy ending. And thanks so much for that beautiful Psalm excerpt! Beautiful!

  12. MRS A.

    July 6, 2015 at 3:27 pm

    KIKI you are sooo right, my husband felt so neglected emotionally because nobody including me realised he was hurting too, With this our insenstive culture that expects men to never show their emotions most people didnt even say sorry to him or how asked if he was ok.

  13. Chige

    July 6, 2015 at 4:14 pm

    The comments here have reduced me to tears. People certainly go through a lot. I can’t imagine what it feels like to get pregnant,have sooo many plans for the baby,name him/her and all of a sudden,baby’s gone. May The Lord really be your strength.
    @Rantty your story really touched me and I pray for you and all the others who have lost that God will bless you with double and give you strength while you wait.
    @ mrs Obe,pls tell your friend to see a good ob/gyn. There may be a medical reason for her repeated first trimester loss.
    God bless you Nicole for giving people a platform to share,get comfort and know they are not alone.

  14. SuperNova

    July 6, 2015 at 4:41 pm

    I’ve been a follower of this page for a while, though not married yet but I feel it’s a beautiful page for connecting women. I just need to share, however irrelevant it is to this topic. A very close family member who has been waiting on God for 7 years just gave me the best news I’ve heard in a long time. I just started crying, tears of joy. I use this grace to pray for all women here expecting, we’ll shed tears of joy and happiness on your behalf. We’ll have course to thank God for you, very soon. Sorry for the epistle, it’s just to reassure us that God’s time is the best and a little faith hurt no one.

  15. SuperNova

    July 6, 2015 at 4:55 pm

    PS…to these strong women who have shared their experiences, I admire your strength and I pray you have children who will come safely, stay, be blessed, take care of you in old age, give you grandkids and every joy every parent desires from their offsprings. May God always be your strength. Amin

  16. Been There

    July 6, 2015 at 5:41 pm

    In Feb 2012, lost my child at 34 weeks. Prior to that, had a smooth pregnancy with no complications whatsoever, not even morning sickness. My husband and I were devastated by the sudden loss. It was a week to the baby shower, we had his names already picked out and a closet full of clothes! Only the grace of God got us through it. While I was at the hospital, there was a nurse who I believe God sent to us. She prayed for us and held my hand throughout the delivery process. When it was time for her to go home, she took up a 2nd shift so she could stay with us. She kept telling me to keep saying “The Lord is my strength”. The more I said it, the better and stronger I felt. After I left the hospital, I held onto those words and till today will repeat them whenever I feel down. At the time there was really no explanation as to what happened, the doctors said it was possibly an infection. Living in America, you would think that there would be no second guessing. Even though it was probably neglect on the part of the doctor I was seeing, I chose not to blame anyone and just move on. People ask me how I was able to deal with the loss, I tell them I asked God for strength and He gave it to me and He is still giving it to me to be able to hold on until the day when I will hold my child (children) in my arms.

    • nicolefertilechick

      July 6, 2015 at 6:27 pm

      Been There, the Lord is truly your strength! Losing a child at 34 weeks is beyond traumatising! I thank God for carrying you through this, and pray you get your forever babies soon! xoxoxo

  17. Betty

    July 6, 2015 at 5:43 pm

    My first pregnancy was uneventful, very smooth, no problems at all. Then my 2nd pregnancy a year after my son was born was a very traumatic experience I would never wish on my enemy . I took in was so excited , as usual the doctors in Nigeria said the baby was fine . When I got to the states at 32 weeks , was so excited , getting ready to have my baby and BOOM, the doctor said my baby girl would not make it to 38weeks . I was shocked , wasn’t prepared for what I heard and then I was told the best thing to do was to terminate the pregnancy and deliver a dead baby . I cried and cried and cried , had already bought clothes for my daughter , choose a name .
    Two weeks later , I was to the hospital , the baby’s life was terminated, labour was induced .i was in labour for 6hours before I finally delivered the dead child , but refused to see the baby after delivery . I couldn’t bring my self too.
    I cried and cried , but couldn’t really grief in front of my husband and family cos whenever I do , they look so miserable . I had to grief secretly . I cried almost everyday for one year . It was usually worse when ever I saw my period . Forced my husband for us to do IVF which failed. I told my husband and family members, i will not think about having another baby again. That if God blesses me fine, if he doesn’t no wahala , am grateful that he gave me a son. And BOOM , I took in two months after the IVF failed , and since then God has blessed me with two boys .
    Never Give up,always believe and trust in God. Enjoy life and don’t stress about having a baby , cos anxiety messes up our body and only makes it worse .

    • nicolefertilechick

      July 6, 2015 at 6:29 pm

      God bless you 100000x for this wonderful testimony, Betty! I’m so sorry about the trauma of losing your baby girl, but so glad that God restored your joy! Kisses to your wonderful gifts from God!

  18. nicolefertilechick

    July 6, 2015 at 6:24 pm

    Thank God for your family member, SuperNova! God bless you!

  19. Mrs Oke

    July 6, 2015 at 8:52 pm

    After surviving brain tumor in 2012, got married in 2014 and within 5months of marriage id lost two pregnancies. One in july and october… I cant even begin to tell how depressed and devastated i was. I had to undergo a d&c for the second one and it was the most painful procedure ever seeing my husbands eyes filled with fear further broke me to pieces. After then i was diagnosed with high levels of prolactin and hyperthyroidusm and was asked to rest for three months before commencing treatment and trying again. Left to me i wasnt even going to try until after a year. Suddenly in december last year i fell terribly ill and boom im pregnant again i cried out if fear of loosing this one again but after severe prayers and bed rest weeks have turned into months and now im due in a few weeks. #withGodallthingsarepossible… My gyne is still amazed at how this baby has gotten this far without any treatment i always tell him its Gods own baby cant be tampered with!

    • nicolefertilechick

      July 7, 2015 at 11:37 am

      Oh my goodness, Mrs Oke! A brain tumour and 2 miscarriages?! I praise God for giving you beauty for ashes! Sending you best wishes for your delivery! God is really with you! xoxoxo

  20. Nkoli

    July 6, 2015 at 9:29 pm

    Had a miscarriage last month at 13 weeks after 3 years of trying. 1 day after finding out my sister in law was pregnant with her second child (we got married a month apart) . I was devastated beyond measure. Had to leave the country for 2 months. Now I’m back and can’t help but feel jealous and angry anytime I see her. ( every week ) I know it’s wrong and I’ve asked God for forgiveness. But I can’t help it. How can i stop feeling this way? I’ve tried been praying and being overly helpful to her. Still feel jealous and angry. Help pls?

    • nicolefertilechick

      July 7, 2015 at 11:40 am

      Dear Nkoli, please don’t beat yourself up about it. The best thing is to let her know that you need some space to deal with your own loss. With time, you will be in a more accepting place. Sending you loads of hugs hun! I remember when I was TTC, and my younger cousin got pregnant her very first cycle of trying. I was so resentful and bitter. I had to pull away from her for some weeks to be able to get a grip. In the end, I was fine and was able to support her honestly and truthfully. Good luck hun!

    • adwoa

      July 7, 2015 at 4:26 pm

      @ Nkoli; I know too well how you might be feeling. When i returned to work after my loss, i became a shell of myself and resented colleagues that were pregnant or had just delivered. Our internal mail system did not help matters as notices of staff who had gone on maternity leave kept pouring in. I would always rush into our washroom and cry my eyes out after every new notice was received. I secretly envied other pregnant women and even felt as if i was being mocked when i once saw a gathering of about 6 new mothers with their babies. I became very reserved and remained so all through my second pregnancy. Even now, i still am a bit reserved when topics concerning pregnancy and child birth are being discussed because it reminds me of my loss and the fact that a lot more women have been dealt with this raw loss.

      If possible, you can try staying away or avoiding your sister in law for a bit longer. Infact you can do so till you are really ready. She should be able to understand you, but do not worry if she doesn’t. Concentrate on yourself now, apart from your spouse, no one else will feel the pain of the loss of your baby like you. So avoid people who make you feel worse, Talk to your husband about how you feel anytime you see his pregnant sister, and ask him to cover up for you or diplomatically explain to his sister. I pray God shines His mercies on you very soon and grants you your very own rainbow baby.

  21. Anonymous

    July 7, 2015 at 12:59 am

    I usually just read comments but now I feel compelled to write my story. Hope somehow somewhere someone’s spirit might be lifted up. After 8years of ttc, my husband and I finally decided to do an ivf. The ivf procedure was excellent until I got the dreaded ohss. My stomach became so bloated that people thought I was pregnant. In fact some people were already congratulating me. Eventually I did the embryo transfer and my pregnancy result came out positive. My husband and I were beyond joyful. However just a few days after confirming the result, I started spotting. I was so scared and rang my doctor. He said if it will be a miscarriage that nothing could be done to stop it. I was stunned, angry, upset and scared. More so, my husband had travelled and I was alone at home. A few hours after the spotting started, I began to experience severe cramps, more like bad menstral cramps. And then the blood started flowing and flowing. Hmmmmm………words fail me to describe the entire process but it was HORRIBLE. Afterwards I picked up myself and was ready to continue other fertility treatments. My doctor advised that I wait till my period resumes and stabilises. 3 months after the miscarriage, my period resumed and I began the procedure for an embryo transfer. However, I was to wait for the next monthly cycle before the transfer could be done. Now that’s when my testimony happened. I waited and waited but the cycle never came and after carrying out pt which were negative, the doctor said I should just be patient and come back when the cycle resumes. After about 5 months, I got tired of waiting and called the doctor again. He said well if you haven’t seen your period up till now then you should be pregnant. I said no o, I am not. Lo and behold, I did a pregnancy test and it was positive. When I went for a scan, the baby was fully formed and I was 21weeks gone. I still remember that day so clearly. My doctor and nurses were jubilating and I just laid there stunned like is this a dream. Mind you I wasn’t even ill at all the whole period and my stomach wasn’t even protruding. Praise God, I gave birth to my son at 40weeks 1day.

    • nicolefertilechick

      July 7, 2015 at 11:45 am

      Anonymous…words fail me! I truly have no words to describe this our God!!!!! The comments on this article have just made me so so emotional!!! I BLESS GOD for you! Congratulations on the birth of your baby! When God wants to silence the devil, he SILENCES the devil! Congrats my dear! Our God is awesome!

  22. Ann

    July 7, 2015 at 10:35 am

    Ehm Nicole, nice but scary topic, i will just be on my kneels until baby arrives…:(..didn’t sleep well last night, last week it was Isio with tales of delivery, this week it is this..chai, i would have just dodged this post but i keep coming back to refresh. May God help me and help all expectant women and those TTC, Amen!

    • nicolefertilechick

      July 7, 2015 at 11:47 am

      My dear Ann, you for waka pass this article oh…lol! Just kidding hun. By HIS grace, you have nothing to fear. Praying for you and the little one! xoxoxo

  23. Lola

    July 7, 2015 at 1:20 pm

    I wonder why some hospitals in Nigeria do administer anaesthetic medication to patients who have to evacuate. When i miscarried, my doctor administered but towards the end of the procedure it wore out and the pain was terrible, dont wish it on my enemy. One of my friend who recently miscarried told me that she was given nothing for the evacuation and the silly doctor was shouting at her to keep her legs opened and stop trying to spoil his work. And i have heard it several times from a lot of ladies that they didnt give anything for the pain. Nicole that is pure wickedness. Has anyone experienced this?

    • Nkoli

      July 7, 2015 at 4:30 pm

      Happened to me. The evacuation was almost more traumatic than losing the baby. I start shaking violently in fear anytime my husband tries to make love to me.Never stepping my foot in that hospital again.

  24. geegee

    July 7, 2015 at 3:59 pm

    i have always blamed myself for not keeping up to my family tradition by not getting pregnant before marriage,i always told everyone who cared to listen that my pregnancy is a terrible mistake until someone told me she i was not acknowledging God by ‘disclaiming” the pregnancy.she has been married 4 years with no issue.and then i read this article never again will i have any negative thought about this child.
    i have learnt to give God thanks and praise for that which he has given me without me asking.
    and to all the women out there going through one issue or the other please remember that God never fails.

  25. Mrs M

    July 9, 2015 at 12:34 pm

    Hmmm… These comments are touching. God will give us all the joy of motherhood. I have been TTC actively for some months now. and every time my period comes, I feel broken and discouraged. My Period just came yesterday and I have been feeling very sad and depressed today. I have been taking 3 drugs for 1 month now prescribed by my gynae and I was really hoping that I was pregnant since my period delayed. Especially after I have felt like I’m having pregnancy symptoms in head. I have a friend who lost her baby at 28 weeks in June. It is not something I wish for anyone. really sad. This motherhood journey is not easy. The anxiety is not funny at all. God help us and put smiles in our faces!!! AMEN

  26. Oluwakemi

    July 10, 2015 at 1:32 pm

    @Nicole, reading the article and the floodgates of comments that it unleashed overwhelms me. I can’t relate but I know people who have gone through this and I never knew how to comfort them. MRS A, Rantty and all the other women who have gone through this, my words for you are, “The Lord is your strength.” Heartbreaking stories. May God heal our hearts

  27. Bella

    July 17, 2015 at 12:19 pm

    Thank for this Nicole…lost my 14 weeks preg 2 months ago…

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