The Journey to ‘I Am’ with Tolu Falode: The Dilemma of Fake Friendships

I like to think friendships transcend years and months and even days of non communication because it is built on a unique connection affirmed through consistent actions. As in any other relationship, I believe friendships are determined by a deep level of involvement from both sides of the scales to achieve a balanced interaction and a comfortable level of disclosure. But what about the friendships that are built in the years of childhood-years of innocence, when a smile was genuine and a laugh was not tinged by a tone of sarcasm; what about friendships that were built in the days of secondary school before the hit of puberty infiltrated the hearts and minds of pre pubescent views? Before there was a whiff of reality that changed the course of daily lives and infected the innocence of a genuine smile?

What about those friendships that were built in boarding schools? Where secrets were shared and hearts were still trusting and eager to bond-still somewhat detached from the trials and tribulations that seem to wait before the doorways of university to usher one into the real life experiences in this world?

Do they still carry the scent of trust when you meet on the other side of that door? Do they still carry the same level of commitment and consistency even though a lot has changed since you last exchanged words? Can you trust those secrets you once shared with this person with the same level of confidence as you did before?

I find it so interesting how time and seasons change our different perspectives because of each unique experience that has dotted and determined our present intuitions and beliefs. But I do wonder if it infects the purity and confidence, the laughter and smiles that were built as clear and clean foundations of trust when we formed those links.

There are some friends you haven’t spoken to in months but time fails to threaten the level of connection and ease that inhabits your unique bond. There are others that were built in the hallways of trust-bound together by a unique set of circumstances that seemed to foster the basis of complete reliance in each other’s words. But do those same circumstances still house your present interactions? Can you still trust those friends with the same level of insight and communication that colour your daily situations? Or is there now a shadow of doubt that hovers over those interactions? Is it more of an experiment that depends on your level of communication with one another? Or is it placed on a scale of disclosure that is dependent on a trade and batter of information-a form of display of commitment by exposure of intimate situations? And if so, how does one navigate this terrain of present relations that seemed to have gone through the season of flourishing in years before the world walked you through reality and exposed you to situations that shaped your present individuality?

How does one bring those friendships from the past into the present with the same feelings of trust and commitment that were built at a time where foundations were common because of the basis of interactions that coloured your unified experiences?

Is the same level of trust still present? And what if it is not? How do you deal with the unique sting that comes from a past friend’s present dagger of hurt? A stab in the back offered in return for welcoming words.

I believe these are questions that are created in the atmosphere of friendly conversations-where words no longer carry the same clarity as they did in childhood, or thoughts are no longer as clearly or eagerly expressed as they once were in the hallways of boarding schools but there are those friendships that are built in these early stages of development that weather the storms and show a bond of commitment. There are those friendships that are a testimony by their very presence in your struggles-those that continue to bloom past the innocence of childhood; those are the very special ones. The ones that come with a uniquely built bond that time cannot break with months and years because once you hear one another’s voices it is as if, time played no part in your conversations-it is as if time failed to scratch the innocence of your connection.

And then there are those that are built in the years of new commitment-in marriages-where a unique form of experience binds you to one another-a source of support and strength through this new blossoming excitement.

Those are the special ones. But then again, there are the ones that seem to come from this form of trust and truth, but time exposes them through the wounds they produce in you-friendships you were convinced were true but time has shown them to be nothing but false illusions of good. What do you do with those friendships that leave behind such a deep bruise? They burn with a sting that hurts with such a spite filled sore taste of truth-and close up the pathways of entrance in your heart that were once opened up to receive new bonds and new souls to interact; but have now fallen apart. What do you do when these so called trusted few cheat on you? When they spoil your home with their deception and even take your spouses in the wake of their betrayal?

Those are the dangerous ones because of the damage they do to trust and in some cases, they show you time does not really change anyone-in an attempt to reach out a hand of commitment based on a past foundation of similar development, no matter how recent, there are the friendships that stab you in the back and show you the true face of a fake interaction-those are the friendships that are dangerous in nature.

So I guess my point is how does one balance where the scale falls in a friendship that was built on past commitment and truth? How do you know they do not hold a dagger to your present views? They may smile and laugh and treasure your interactions only by evidence of their words that become knives when produced in their actions-trusts that turn to thorns used against your blinded love for what you thought was a shared bond.

Has that ever happened to you? Friendships are tricky. There are some that are true; but be careful of the ones that do nothing but backbite you. They hold a particular bitter taste of truth-not to trust just anyone based on a past pact that has changed in its present hues.

Be careful not to expose those friendships to your inner views-be careful not to bring them into the intimacy of your sanctuary, your home, and your family-especially those that remain close by when sharing your marital views-the hearts of men are wicked and woven with wounds-be careful those you trust, are not pretending to be close just so they can find a way to harm you.