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Oluwabunmi Oke: The Definition of My Love

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dreamstime_l_40213423I have often wondered and asked myself what real love felt like. I mean the type of love between a man and woman, not brotherly love o. I have always asked myself what the definition of this type of love is.

I have heard things like “he is my best friend and I feel at ease with him”, “emmm, I feel at ease when I am wearing shorts half naked on my bed”, “the way he makes my heart feel whenever I see him, I cannot explain it; it’s just beautiful”. See ehn, the way my entire body feels when I get a credit alert cannot be explained, biko can I get something more descriptive?

I need more than the feeling, I need something more to hold on to, than the way my body is supposed to feel. I mean, I can’t explain the way I feel when I am eating an entire ice-cream bowl in the middle of the night either.

So I did read a lot of romantic novels growing up, all them harlequin romance, mills and boon, etc but for some reason I stopped reading those books, I think in SS2 or so, because I believed they were lies; call me messed up or whatever but seriously how many times do you see a young billionaire who may or may not be a single father get married to a primary school teacher in some rural town because he fell in love with her when he looked at her as she walked past him in his tinted range rover, they have crazy sex and boom! they are in love. Those people can give someone unnecessary day dreams for Africa!

So back to my original question, what is the definition of my love?

I am a Christian, so I went to the one book (my Bible) I could trust to find answers about love, I dug out a part and I tried to analyze it.

You may have a different opinion on what love is or feels like; this is the template I have carved out for myself.

1st Corinthians 13

Love Is patient.  Love understands that he cannot afford all you are asking for at the moment, love understands that he cannot marry you now because he is not financially or mentally ready, love understands that she wants to finish that professional course before she says I DO, love understands that Lagos is synonymous with traffic and you have to wait for him or her a little bit longer than the agreed time.

Love is kind.  Love does not mind driving in the opposite direction towards traffic to pick up that thing he or she forgot and drive back all around to drop it off. Love does not mind cleaning up the toilets, taking out the trash, paying the utility bills because the other is busy preparing for an upcoming presentation. Love does not mind cooking dinner because she has been stuck in traffic and is visibly tired.

Love is not jealous.  Meaning love should be sincerely happy for you in any form whenever you are excelling in anything. Love is not jealous of the fact that you started work first even though you both served at the same time. Love is not jealous the other is getting promoted on a steady, instead love is happy and encourages them further.

Love is not boastful or proud. Love does not say things like ‘I brought you out of the gutter’, ‘you were nothing when I met you’. We worked through this together. Love does not constantly flaunt its Ivy League education in the face of the other. Everything we have is because of both of us, not because of either you or me. It is collective work.

Love is not rude.  Love does not hurl disrespectable words at each other, love understands the place of mutual respect for one another. Love does not scream at him in front of his friends neither does it insult her in front of the kids.

Love does not insist on his own way.  “Baby we have to do this, this way because I know and I’m sure of this way” is not allowed you should be open to other options, open to his or her ideas. It’s a partnership not a one man show.

Love is not irritable or resentful.  Love is not angry that she has not been able to get that perfect Nigerian jollof rice after reading every food blog out there and repeated failed attempts especially when you are the guinea pig, love encourages her to try again.

Love keeps no record of being wrong, love does not rejoice about injustice.   Love does not bring up everything that has gone wrong in the relationship whenever you have an argument; love does not bring up  that time you were a no show because you were a few minutes late this time around.

Love rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love does not love evil, love does not sweep things under the rug, love does not find ways to get away with bad behavior. Love would not lie about being out drunk or partying all night, love will try to be a better person. Love encourages and helps the other to not do that which is wrong.

Love never gives up, never loses faith, Love endures through every circumstance.  Love stays on no matter what: whether he just lost his job and is trying to get another one, or the bills suddenly fall predominantly on you. Love is not bothered about tribe, religion, or what mama said about her village people. Love understands that being a baby mama does not mean she is not a good woman and deserves every romantic gesture you can give her

Love never dies. Love is an everlasting phenomenon… Love does not get tired after a three month relationship or three years of marriage, it fights for forever

This is my love: love should be more than a feeling; it should be reflected in my actions and interactions with the person I claim to love; it should be more than expensive dinner dates, trips, sex and gifts; your love should not just be based on what you are feeling now and then. If you are not ready to go on the journey just stay on your own lane jejeje before you will cause unnecessary wahala for both parties.  To choose to love another being is a decision, a promise of some sort…

So what is your love?

Photo Credit: Dreamstime

16 Comments

  1. Tunde

    May 10, 2016 at 11:34 pm

    Very educative post.My love will be a very reserved,bridling of the tongue and grateful partner.Just simple.

  2. Mykindoflove

    May 10, 2016 at 11:52 pm

    ?? ?. This is what love should be defined as. All this resonates too well with me. Often times i wonder if true love indeed should come with that ‘tingling’ feeling u can’t explain so much so that i begin to question if i’m really in love because sometimes one isn’t overly ‘sparked’ up.. However when love is looked at from all this perspectives it begins to make sense..

  3. K

    May 10, 2016 at 11:54 pm

    Great post! I think you just stated how true love should be. I learnt from it. Thanks for sharing.

  4. Oluchi

    May 11, 2016 at 3:31 am

    Fantastic post. Learned a lot and thoroughly enjoyed reading it. May I also add that love is built on feelings. Doesn’t necessarily have to be a spark or butterflies. But for romantic relationships, some kind of attraction is required. Without it, performing acts of love will become emotional labour. It’s less effort to love a person you like.

    • Jean

      May 12, 2016 at 10:40 am

      I always asked myself what love is…because i could not explain it (i dont think i’ve ever been in love). deep down, i knew it was much more than the tingling feeling than girls raved about (mind you, one i never felt that)
      I’ve always wanted to know that kind of love that lasts till on is old, i think that kind of love is far more than the fleetness of an early romance. And this piece definitely paints that picture.
      Anyway, Great piece from the writer.

      SOmeone told me once Love is a decision…i didn’t really understand how; because i thought he meant, love had nothing to do with how you feel – rather with what you decide. well,maybe i’m getting confused again sha…but you get the point.

  5. Hadee

    May 11, 2016 at 4:43 am

    Love this article. Really resonated with me! Thanks for sharing ?

  6. unknwn

    May 11, 2016 at 6:58 am

    Nice post

  7. Tosin

    May 11, 2016 at 7:52 am

    Love is not a by-forzing sturvs.
    Love is easy. Eez nashurah.
    Love is not jealous? They put that in the Bible? The same “jealous God” Bible?
    Love does not enshrine jealousy at the center of proceedings. Love knows that as there is esu, there is oya, as there is ifa, there is osun, as there is sango, there is ogun. Love does not say thou shalt not have any other God before me.

    1 Corinthians is beautiful.

    My own love definition (copywright 🙂 ) : Love is the instinct for co-operation. #dazall

  8. Tosin

    May 11, 2016 at 7:56 am

    Love does not fight and cling just because love does not die. On the contrary, if I love you, it means I can leave you. Why? Because it doesn’t matter. Because love does not die.
    Does anybody here read poetry?
    (PS: The Bible is poetry)

  9. esteem

    May 11, 2016 at 10:17 am

    Nice write up dear. Luv is drop your ego, i drop my pride, luv is we are equal no gender inequality here, luv is we can do it together not seperately, luv is if you are educated am no longer an illiterate, luv is, if am handsome i will fill d gap in ur look cos you r not all that good looking, luv is we are the best team even poverty can’t break us, luv is everytn about us not about mysef, luv is smile wen we succeed and cry wen we fail, luv is the best feelings wen we hold on to each others knowing fully well you are good as ONE.

    • Tosin

      May 11, 2016 at 12:40 pm

      awww
      this is completely utterly sweet and beautiful

  10. Brenda lee

    May 11, 2016 at 4:00 pm

    Please my people love is not a giddy feeling because that will subside after some years. The gidi gidi was put there by mother nature to ensure that there is enough attraction btw men and women that wd ordinarily not come together. In my opinion love is deciding to stay after life and it’s experiences has killed all the lovey Dovey feelings and u have to work to rekindle the thing, love is a choice.

  11. Mafeng

    May 11, 2016 at 7:59 pm

    Were you in my head? You just explianed love my way. thanks 4 sharing

  12. 'Lara

    May 11, 2016 at 9:27 pm

    GBAM!!! Spot on!??….beautifully written ?

  13. Eneruvie

    May 13, 2016 at 6:56 pm

    Love is a commitment to an imperfect person just like you. I was blessed by your write up.

  14. Skimmy

    May 17, 2016 at 11:37 am

    This just made my day…thank you so much

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