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Ayo Al: Heartbroken? You will Love Again!

Ayo Al

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Heartbreak hurts, and there’s no denying it. Everyone will find a different way to get over it, but no one finds being dumped exciting. While it is easier for some people to get over it and move on, for some it is extremely difficult.

Being heartbroken feels like everything in your life is frozen; you are stuck in a little dark hole, falling and not knowing how to rise. Being heartbroken makes you feel laden; it puts a heaviness in your soul and takes the laughter out of your eyes.

Most times, it isn’t the fact that the person that once professed love to you stopped loving you, it is the way they bring the relationship to an end, that causes the hurt.

I have often wondered why people who once claimed to love each other cannot break up amicably. Most breakups tend to end on an acrimonous note.

It doesn’t mean that you guys must stay friends after a breakup, it just means that your heart doesn’t dish out a curse every time you think of your ex.

I have heard quite a few heartbreak stories. While I have had my fair quota of heart traumas, I’m thankful I never got told hurtful breakup lines.

So a friend of mine had dated a guy for four years. They were at that point when she expected him to make the next move. She had been introduced to his family and him to hers.  They were good, and then all of a sudden, this guy stopped calling, stopped texting. My friend was worried; they had not quarrelled so she wondered constantly what she might had done and what to do to change things.  She kept calling, texting him but he never replied. Of course, she cried herself to bed most times and skipped more meals than were healthy.  Then one day, she picked up the phone, dialled his number and was so ecstatic when he picked.

“What happened?  Why have you kept to yourself all these while?  Did I do something wrong?”

A torrent of questions came tumbling down her lips. It was normal for her to assume that she had wronged him, hence his actions, but she was ready to apologise, if it would make them good again. The guy was quick to assure her however and put her out of her worry.

“No, you did not wrong me. It is just that the love I have for you has expired. Please try to understand. I hope we can stay friends.”

You can understand when I say her grief doubled. It was like her whole world came crashing down.

“Stop crying abeg. How could he say that? When you are not gala or Lacasera. He must be out of his senses.” I told her in exasperation when her grief was too much for me to bear anymore.

And then my “sister” went into a relationship. Very godly,  spirit-filled one. I mean they prayed together, read the word together, set spiritual goals together, talked about life and all. It was perfectly normal for her to have felt she had found the one.  But what happened?  The same breach in communication, the same loneliness, the same self doubt, the same tears. I watched her repeat all what my friend had gone through. Obviously, her “One” didn’t think she was his “one”

The guy’s reason was: “I am not sure of my confirmation from God. Give me some time to be sure.”

Of course, she waited some months, almost five months, hoping and refusing to let go. Then she called him and he said “I don’t want to put your life on hold. It wouldn’t be fair to you. I haven’t gotten a confirmation yet. Please feel free to date someone else.”

Just like that! Yes! It was just like that…

I was talking about this topic with a close friend of mine very recently and he refused to accept that women get the bitter end of a relationship most of the time.

“Ayo, you cannot say so. It is just that guys don’t like to tell you their break up stories. Trust me when I tell you this”

We argued back and forth,  trying to give instances to show that we were both right, but we got nowhere.

“I can’t accept this your belief o. You know what Sade said when she left me? ”

“What?” I asked.

“I called her to find out why she was misbehaving. I then asked her if we were still  in a relationship as we didn’t see or talk often. She told me that to her, we were still dating, but if I thought otherwise, I should get myself another babe.”

Okay!  You guessed right. I kept my mouth shut after that.

But really, where do people get these lines from?

When a person realizes that they do not want to be with someone again, why can’t they be civil about it and employ some tact?

Being tactful could mean that you help reduce the hurt the person  would eventually feel just by using the right words.

Heartbroken and trying to live again?  Here are a few tips for you.

#1. Don’t try to get the ex back, try to get yourself back!
Instead of devising means to get your partner back, focus on ways on bringing happiness back into your life. Read books, talk to friends, pick up a new hobby, start an exercise routine. The key is to focus on you!

#2. Feel the pain, accept it and learn from it.
Some peeps think running from the pain of heartbreak and refusing to talk about it would make the pain go away. It doesn’t always work like that. Instead of running from the pain, accept it, cry if you have to,  feel the pain, think over it and then LEARN and then gradually, let it go!  There is also a lesson in every heartbreak story.

#3. Quit stalking your ex!
Let them be. Stalking them on social media would not anyway bring them back or reduce the hurt. Focus on being better emotional and let things of the past go with it.

#4. Get professional help
This can never be overemphasised. Talking helps. If you cannot talk to loved ones, talking to a therapist might help you put things in perspective and lead you on the journey to recovery.

#5. Don’t rush into another relationship.
Getting a new partner doesn’t mean that your heart will heal faster. What works is for you to take your time, put things in perspective and decide what you want. Do not rush into a new relationship thinking it will help you get over your ex faster. It might actually cause more damage.

No matter how hard it is, you owe yourself happiness. You and only you can bring YOU out of that well of trauma, heartbreak and unhappiness…

Also know you that you can always love again. Love will find you in due time. Wait for it!

Photo Credit: Rawpixelimages | Dreamstime

An avid reader and writer, Ayo Al hopes particularly to refract the ills in the society through her writings. A professional blogger, she is available for content writing, freelance writing and book reviews. She is also a business woman, fashion enthusiast and a dealer of watches. She can be reached via mail- [email protected] out her instagram: @thatsaucywriter

14 Comments

  1. janey

    August 28, 2017 at 11:10 am

    I needed this,going through a breakup..tnx Ayo

  2. Jane

    August 28, 2017 at 11:15 am

    I always say this, a life full of Christ is the best life one can hope to have. Whenever I get hurt from a relationship, its always when I don’t listen to the Holy Spirit. When you’re in tune with God he will definitely tell you that this person isn’t it. But even at that, when we get heartbroken, we should remember Jesus is always there to comfort us. I want to share this amazing revelation I got from a message about relationship: every Christian is in a relationship with Jesus, now this is the truth whether you believe it or not: the quality of your relationship with God is directly proportional to the quality of your relationship with people. Period. I don’t mean superficial relationships o, I mean qualitative long lasting relationship.
    I did this calculation myself and found it to be 100% accurate.

    • jokobaba

      August 28, 2017 at 2:37 pm

      There you go again…

  3. Nne Umu Boys!

    August 28, 2017 at 12:00 pm

    It always seems like we wont love again but we always always love some more again and again. I totally agree with the writer. Go through the fire of the pain, thats where the healing lies…

  4. Jane

    August 28, 2017 at 12:29 pm

    This article is really good. Personally I only experience hurt in a relationship when I don’t listen to the Holy Spirit. But for every heartbroken person, the arms of Jesus is spread wide to comfort you. All you have to do is go to him. The greatest equation for last longing relationship is this truth: the quality of your relationship with God is directly proportional to the quality of your relationship with people, period. Tried it, found it 100% accurate

  5. Myhearthurts

    August 28, 2017 at 1:10 pm

    How do i recover from a heartbreak with 3 adorable kids from a husband who suddenly fell out of love. 8 years of marriage, suddenly i was not successful enough, not beautiful enough, suddenly noticed i did not study a good course in school, the list is endless. I found the courage to leave with my kids after taking the last beating when my last child was just 2 weeks old. I want to move on, i am ready to move on but how do i recover from this hurt knowing how genuinely i was in love. It hurts like hell.

    • Nne Umu Boys!

      August 28, 2017 at 1:34 pm

      As cliche as this may sound, please surround yourself with family and real friends. Laugh a lot,see movies that will ‘tear your belle’. . Laughter heals. I know you have bills to pay but you cannot drown yourself over someone who never deserved you in the first place. Today’s bible reading says to comfort others when we have been comforted,,,so you know that you are going through this not just for yourself but for someone else who will need you to hold their hands when they go through same tomorrow.

      My father remarried a widow who had kids too after my mum passed. and they are very happy! They both have grand kids and everyone is happy and minding their individual pursuits. Now if those two could find love, then you my dear will be verrrrrry alright!
      Don;t wallow please, trust God, trust yourself, and finish it off with some SLAY!
      Sending you love and hugs.

    • Labake

      August 28, 2017 at 1:48 pm

      Madam I know you are going through the most but I promise you would get over it. My dad left my mum when my brothers and I (triplets) were just 7. It was devastating but guess what, she packed herself together and found love again. Although she and my step dad never got married legally, they had some traditional marriage and he was a very a single igbo man without children and my mum is a Yoruba woman. I would be happy if my future partner treats me half as good as my step dad treats my mum. Ah you would love again o! Just that you have to be weary of wolves in sheep clothing and sieve the trash out!

    • Asabi Jesu.

      August 28, 2017 at 2:15 pm

      The best way to move on is settle yourself first.

      A. Find a safe and affordable place for your children. remember you have enough problem already you dont need financial burdens so dont try keep up with the Jones but be sure you are safe where ever you are.

      I choose a mini flat in a secured middle class estate which was within my income range.

      B. Heal your heart with self development functions/materials. it could be health, career, academics,family, right partying, spirituality etc.

      I became more active spiritually joined another church where i was comfortable. (I did not tell anybody there about me) but i was very active at all meeting and for my various groups. in short i was a worker. then i used to attend a lot of women conferences nike adeyemi, funke adejumo etc. I avoided family because i felt like an outcast considering that divorce was alien to my family then.

      C. Avoid idleness read, watch films, attend more function, make new friend, take your children to parks etc.

      I could read for africa and when I am not reading i am watching series that i liked (mine was one-three-hill) then.

      I avoided married friends or single friends that were using me to console themselves because i found that most of them did not understand the sensitivity of my circumstance even though some of them did not do it intentionally.

      E.G ( 1. ) i had left my ex hubby’s house without a job and none of my personal effects (including clothes) so i was starting all over from scratch with a new job. A friend then traveled out and bought me a casual/play blouse but told me to come and take her used clothes which were no longer her size. MEANWHILE while giving me a lift to work with the intention of helping me, she will point at clothes displayed in boutiques and tell me how much she bought them (OF COURSE NOT CHEAP) and how many she bought. for herself.

      Even though i appreciated her effort i felt she was insensitive to my problems becoz
      She knew i had no clothes at the moment (eventhough I used to wear good clothes before the crises) but she could only consider me for her used clothes and then flaunt her luxury in my face.

      (2) Some single friends will say thank God I no even marry sebi someboy wey we dey admire don come back to join them now.

      I no fight o and I was not even so offended coz I know things like that will come once in a while I just use style waka comot their side and made new friends who could identify with my visible circumstance, for the invisible part i just tell them what i can per time based on the level of friendship and let the rest pass.

      I could write a book but with this few points I wish you well. I have taken this much effort because i know it is not an easy road but 7years down the line i am in a very good place. New hubby, new jobs, new opportunities, fresh glow on my face etc. The travell that my friend was using t do shakara I now go officially sleeping in 5star hotels with thousands of dollars as allowance. So be wise in choosing your battles.

      Even though i have tried to be liberal it will be most ungrateful and insincere if i dont mention that I prayed like my life depended on it. I prayed on mountains, at vigils, and at MFM camp I prayed desperately and God answered marvelously. I have CAC background befroe i married and joined Pentecostalism so I just went back to the way they prayed.

      Mark my words o, I said I prayed not that someone prayed for me or that I had prophets o. Matter of fact I refused to discuss me with anybody. I just enter prayer sessions and come out and i was persistent. Whenever there is any public holiday with weekend I run to the mountain or MFM camp. All the best.

    • Mawi

      August 28, 2017 at 2:57 pm

      Time honey. Time heals the wounds. I can’t even imagine how much it sucks right now, but I can promise you that in the next few months, you will be in a much better place. Keep your focus on God, all the things u enjoy, your kids. KEEP YOURSELF BUSY & OCCUPIED. It’s perfectly okay to cry your eyes out and talk about ur pain. In fact, I recommend it. But make sure u don’t wallow in misery for long. Focus on hobbies, activities, jobs, CHARITY, volunteering, new courses etc that u find interesting. Trust me, you will be fine in no time. Never ever leave God out of ur life. He cares more than we could ever fathom.
      I wish u all the best and I pray this dark period ushers in blessings beyond ur wildest imaginations. That is very commonly, the case. Hold on and look up!

  6. Asa

    August 28, 2017 at 2:41 pm

    Another thing, GIVE IT TIME! Cliche but very true, time really does heal. This time last year, I was heartbroken, no I was not heartbroken, my relationship had only just started dying. Chai! The pain was unimaginable. I fought eh. Fight for your man they said and fight I did! I couldn’t imagine letting go, the pain was just too much. This time this year, I remembered myself last year and I laughed. IT was funny. Relationship was over, I shed tears and even hid myself away. Sometimes I imagined I would run into him in public places and I did not go out. But now, I can’t even care less. Career is moving great and smoothly, I am hanging out with girlfriends and when I remember how hard I fought eh, I dey laugh at myself. Give it time. The pain will fade and life will still be beautiful. Maybe not the same way it was beautiful with your ex but in a different way that is sometimes better. Love and life hurts but the hurt is what makes us appreciate the beauty when we see it.

  7. Nicolae

    August 28, 2017 at 2:45 pm

    Boo Boo…im soo sorry. I can only imagine your pain. I may not have the right words, but I sure know you will be fine. You will so sooo be fine. You can check out havilahdivas on IG. She went through something similar, she should be able to encourage you in some sort of way. Ndooo…God has got you. You will be fine

  8. mystery

    August 28, 2017 at 6:17 pm

    my dear ..you’d be fine… i went through the worse break up ever. had ended a very long relationship. and then there was this friend who pretended to care.not knowing he was lurking around just to steal and destroy…i cried ,i prayed ,i fasted..at a point.. it was lord fight for me.and at a point ,i just said Lord let your will be done.i prayed like my life depended on it.went to mfm prayer city.and prayed.nobody can pray for u like you.so just pray..talk to God not man.did he come through for me.Yes in a different way tho..but it was the best kind of love..loving someone who loves you as fiercely as you love them..i got married,separated myself from on friendly friends..keep you private life private n pray..i learned that not everyone has the same heart as you.and that some people are only in you life to quench you light..so know the difference

  9. Dee

    August 29, 2017 at 9:27 am

    I need someone to talk to my friend. She is hurting badly and I feel helpless. Her husband walked away – he basically stopped loving her. I can’t share more details as I want to protect her privacy. Please let me know if you had a similar experience and can talk to her. If she is willing, I will link you up with her. Thank you.

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