I’ve always pictured love as something precious, something sacred, expensive, not easily gotten, something worth it. But falling in love is a different matter entirely. As a teen, I watched the TV series, Scandal, and fell in love with it.
Scandal was unlike any representation I had on love; it was heartbreaking, intense, passionate and I wanted something similar. Yes, she was unhappy most of the time but whenever they were together, you could see the light in her eyes, the glow on her face and a quiet confidence knowing that her man was just as crazy about her as she was about him.
I wanted that.
Like Kate Stephenson said, I’ve never not been lonely. I kissed a boy as a child, had crushes as teenagers do, made friends and flirted with men as an adult but I never had my person. I never had that one person that got me; that understood my feelings, that cared enough to understand my thoughts and feelings. I’ve never had that.
I tell people now that I am not interested in marriage, that I just want to play around and have fun, get wooed and pampered by the men in my life. The truth is I am scared – I am scared I will not find my person, that men won’t fall and scramble to get me, that I will never experience love that will have me shaken to my core, breathless at the surge of emotions reeling through me for that one person, and grateful that I got to experience it at all.
My expectations are high, and the people I have met are not, so I am scared.
When I started writing this, I thought I would write a story about heartbreak or a love that was just too intense but wasn’t enough, like Scandal, but I find myself writing my story and it’s not quite as exciting as I wanted, or that you probably expected to read.
You will find it shocking that I actually do not want to be in a relationship, at least not right now. Maybe I am caught up in the romance of it all. But at this point in my life, I have thoughts about my career, achieving the goals I set out and making something of myself. It doesn’t stop me from dreaming still, or hoping once in a while about this love I want.
In my dreams, we are touring countries, trying fun activities like bungee jumping, sailing, swimming in the ocean, running through meadows, long walks on the beach and at the end, we stare at the sunset in each other’s arms, filled with peace and happiness and for that moment, the world is just right.
My heart longs for it, and yet it seems so far.
I give my all; with me, it’s all the way or no way and I wouldn’t change it for anything. It hurts when you can’t get the same energy you give, when it seems like you are the only one concerned about certain things in your relationship and everyone is just over it. Then you wonder, are you the weird one? Are you being too emotional or sensitive?
For every time I left a relationship -be it friendship or a situationship, I asked myself such questions and every time the answer was the same: I deserved better.
If I exist, then surely, people with similar values like me do. It’s why my expectations are high, it’s why I will not settle for less than I can give, and it’s why I continue to dream.
Love is the greatest force of all and it’s the only force I want in my life. I want to be surrounded by people that care about me just as I care about them, people who are genuine towards me. If this love comes, it’ll be a dream come true. If it doesn’t, (which will suck by the way), I’ll still do everything I set out to do: I will travel, explore, meet new people and have the next best experience of my life because I will learn to be enough for myself, I will learn to love me.