Mfonobong Inyang: Dear Men, We Gather Dey

Dear men, I know that feeling of having your successes taken for granted, but your struggles are used to define you. I know how you feel when you cannot provide for your loved ones, especially in a world where your relevance is almost determined by how much you have in your bank account. I can relate because I have been there and done that – we gather dey.

Dear men, I know the amount of restraint you have had to exercise just so you don’t become a statistic for toxic males. Even when you’re hurt, you choose to protect the other party by not telling your side of the story. You know that you will be forever judged by that one incident if you act out of character, so you suck it up and take the L silently. You don’t want any drama because while the law submits that you’re presumed innocent until proven guilty, a large swath of society believes you’re guilty until you can prove otherwise. We gather dey.

Dear men, I know why you find it hard to be vulnerable. Many people throw that word around, but they don’t really mean it. They just want to get the scoop on your story and gloat over it. They really want to confirm that you’re human after all. Your pain is their entertainment; that’s why they fall over themselves on who has the latest gist about you. That’s really why you choose to suffer in silence instead; it’s a defence mechanism. You don’t want anyone to hit you while you’re already down; you can take being broke, but you can’t afford to be broken. We gather dey.

Dear men, I know what it means to be called proud when it really has nothing to do with being conceited, but it’s a word some people use when you refuse to follow their script. Once you refuse to bend the knee, you will begin to accuse you of the very things they are guilty of. Your decision to be your authentic self is a threat to them because your life becomes an example to others that success is possible without surrendering your identity. The world seldom loves kings they didn’t crown. We gather dey.

Dear men, I know the challenges you face in managing your sexual energy. You don’t want to openly admit it, but you struggle with porn; you figured it’s a safer play than sleeping around. How can people know that a highly respectable guy like you loves sex? You chose instead to solve the equation by substitution. It’s not that you really love drugs or alcoholic drinks, but you need something to numb the pain of shattered expectations. Your addictions are really your poor attempt at fixing genuine needs. Anyone who comes closer to you will know you’re actually crying for help. We gather dey.

Dear men, I know the frustrations of having to do things that pay the bills and not things you’re actually passionate about. You have to endure the toxicity of your workplace just so you can get that salary. You have to pretend to love your colleagues, but you really can’t stand them, and once you leave the office, you forget they even exist. Your partner thinks you’re being secretive by not sharing office gist but you don’t want her to know how much you hate your job, so you find a way to distract her and change the topic. We gather dey.

Dear men, there is a reason suicide rates are highest among our gender. We’re used to being strong, holding the fort for others and being the person everyone else runs to when they are in trouble. When the roles are reversed, the pain of disappointment hits differently. People who should rally around you always seem to be missing in action; you’re lonely in the midst of many because nobody sees you as a human being anymore. To them, you’re just a vehicle that is heading in a desirable direction; once you’re unable to continue, and another vehicle becomes available, they switch allegiances. We gather dey.

Dear men, I know what it means to love a country that doesn’t love you back. It feels like an abusive relationship where your homeland appears to be the very weapon fashioned against you. You warn of the dangers of bad political choices but some people think you’re just sharing partisan opinions, until it’s almost too late. You want to keep quiet and mind your business but you don’t want to be numbered among those who told lies, defended evil and kept a studied silence while the political class burns the country down. We gather dey.

Dear men, I know the temptations that come with comparison. You don’t want to be that person in your family or social circle who is not doing well; you too want to show workings. Yet you would rather be content and keep striving for better outcomes than take the way of criminality. You would rather be called stingy than a thief. You would rather live below your standards than participate in fraud. You know you made the right decisions, but it doesn’t always feel that way. We gather dey.

Dear single men, I’m aware of the cultural trope about not wanting to “settle down”. Many call you irresponsible; others think you want to continue sowing your wild oaths all over town. People act as if they know or love you more than you do yourself. Marriage for them is just another social event; marriage for you is destiny. Those who won’t be there to shoulder the responsibilities or consequences of your marital life seem to always have the loudest voices and the most pieces of advice. You would rather remain by yourself than be the man who repeats an unwanted cycle. We gather dey.

Dear men, I don’t expect everyone to understand you. They don’t even understand themselves. Nobody has been here before; the so-called experts are also learning the ropes. If you are not available for your family owing to work, they call you a deadbeat, but when you take time off your job to be with your wife as she welcomes a baby, the same people will ask you to read the room. I know you may have daddy issues, which explains why you are always looking for validation in the wrong places. You are not the first, and you definitely won’t be the last. So on days that seem dark and the sun isn’t out, anytime you think you’re walking alone, just remember say we gather dey.