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BN Hot Topic: Polygamy, Yes? Cheating, Heck No!

Atoke

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The New Year is often synonymous with new beginnings, resolutions and plenty prayers. Prayers that the future will be better than the past or at least a little bit more bearable. For many single young  people, the prayers are often tilted towards the direction of “Settle Down” and “Marriage” and yours truly got a fair dose of it. I mean, when you’re from a large Yoruba family you’d get a lot of prayers that “This Year Will NOT pass you by! This Year, We Will Gather To Celebrate You.”  After plenty prayers, one of my aunties was not content with just the prayers as she probed further, wanting to know if there was really nobody I could consider? “Even if it’s to have a baby; you know time is going.” After nearly laughing my head off to the expression “Time is going” I asked her if she meant a “sperm donor”. “No jor! You know what I mean. Give the child a chance at a real family. A real mother with a real father, not just a number in a database. There are men who will be willing that you can have a child for, even if he’s married, ko matter, shebi it’s for you to have a baby. You’re a woman, your body clock is ticking away.”

As this was not the first time I’d heard about this body clock and its supposed ticking, I hung on to the one thing that struck louder than a gong in my head… the woman was actually suggesting that it was actually alright to have a baby for a married man. So I said, “Ah! Aunty, you want me to be a second wife.” As soon as the words dropped out of my mouth, and in the tone it did, I was immediately apologetic. I sounded like a condescending person. After all, polygamy is socially acceptable in Africa, and even in some parts of Nigeria, being married under traditional customs and practices overrides being married under the Marriage Act.  I asked a diverse range of people on their thoughts about polygamy; some people said it was stressful, but could be done if the man can manage his home adequately. Some people said it was too expensive and not worth the effort. I asked a friend whose mom was the 3rd wife of her dad and she said that the concept of polygamy was not as outrageous as a lot of people made it out to be. “My mom had her house in Lagos, and we didn’t live with the other wives.”

So, I’d established that polygamy was socially acceptable and put this up as my status “Why is polygamy socially acceptable but cheating on your spouse is frowned upon?”  My thought process was this: before a person can be your second wife, or third wife, it means you’re making amorous advances towards her right? It also means you’re technically breaking your vow to love and cherish the first woman you’re married to. I’ll share some of the responses I got with you – ” Who says cheating is frowned upon? It’s getting caught that is”/ “Secret sex is sweeter than the legit one. Bye” / “Because in the latter, you’re not hiding anything. It’s in the open”.

Richard argued that not all polygamous marriages are born out of ‘cheating’. He argued that there were often mitigating circumstances which led to the former being in place without the necessity of the latter.

What do you guys think? Is cheating the progenitor of polygamy? Can we have one without the other? Do you agree that it’s not cheating if the spouse has an expectation that her husband is polygamaous and as such he has to court her ‘successor’? finally, if a woman has a baby for a man who is married to one wife and she calls herself Mrs *insert the name* is that still a monogamy?

Let’s discuss!

Photo credit: votepolygamy.com

You probably wanna read a fancy bio? But first things first! Atoke published a book titled, +234 - An Awkward Guide to Being Nigerian. It's available on Amazon. ;)  Also available at Roving Heights bookstore. Okay, let's go on to the bio: With a Masters degree in Creative Writing from Swansea University, Atoke hopes to be known as more than just a retired foodie and a FitFam adherent. She can be reached for speechwriting, copywriting, letter writing, script writing, ghost writing  and book reviews by email – [email protected]. She tweets with the handle @atoke_ | Check out her Instagram page @atoke_ and visit her website atoke.com for more information.

67 Comments

  1. lps

    January 10, 2013 at 3:28 pm

  2. Agbaya

    January 10, 2013 at 3:45 pm

    Im of the opinion that cheating is a progenitor of polygamy, Well except the man sought his wife’s consent. As Richard argued, there are mitigating circumstances which led to the former being in place without the necessity of the latter. For example, Ive heard of situations where the first wife encourages the husband to take a second wife based on her inability to bear children.
    That been said, 95percent of polygamy come to place as a result of cheating.
    Some women dont even wait to have a child for the man when they start bearing his last name as soon as the men start dating them,
    The only thing that baffles me is how cheating has gradually come to become a part of our society and u hear women saying ‘Every man must cheat’. Many people forget there are serious consequences to cheating, It doesnt pan out for many people.

  3. Agbaya

    January 10, 2013 at 3:48 pm

    @Ips, thats ur opinion on the subject right, first ko, akoko ni.

  4. Neo

    January 10, 2013 at 4:31 pm

    The differnce between the two is the absence of knowledge of all parties involved by all parties involved. Simples. I think i even respect men who go the polygamy route and marry more than one wife than the ones who cheat on their wives.

    • nina onita

      January 10, 2013 at 5:11 pm

      i so agree with you, i would rather i know who my husband is sleeping with and let her be my co-wife and she faithful, than him dipping his joy stick in anything in a skirt without knowing where the girl has been..

    • Scarlet Xianne

      January 11, 2013 at 9:51 am

      People,people, do you really think that marrying a second wife guarantees that he will not cheat?

    • Omolara

      February 14, 2013 at 3:01 am

      You are all forgetting one fact here ‘STIs and STDs’. They will all be sharing it, Wife 3 will give Crabs to Chief and he will pass it to wife 2 and 1 etc. Its just nasty nasty nasty, Yuck. I rebuke having to share my husband with any woman God forbid.

    • Shade O.

      January 10, 2013 at 7:38 pm

      Neo I’m with you on that. It is by far more honourable for a man to go down the polygamy route, than the hypocritical one of being married to one wife, and yet being more emotional and sexually attached to another. This oyinbo man’s culture we’ve chosen to adopt is the cause of many of our problems.

    • Shade

      January 10, 2013 at 7:58 pm

      Neo, i am with you on that. It is by far more honourable for a man to take responsibility and go down the polygamous route, than being a lying, cheating hypocrite by supposedly having one wife, yet being more emotionally and otherwise attached to another woman.

  5. OhafiaPrincess

    January 10, 2013 at 4:43 pm

    Polygamy is as a result of cheating…that is in some cases..we have seen cases of women actually marrying a second wife for their husbands due to certain reasons. In some other cases, some Muslims marry 2nd or 3rd wives based on the religious grounds for them to rather marry the women than to have intimate knowledge of them, which is considered a sin. That said, I grew up in a polygamous home where you could hardly differentiate between the mothers and the children due to the harmony and love that my dad ensured we practiced in the home. That is not the story in every polygamous home but it was fun watching the 3 women plan birthday parties together, plan vacations, travel with the kids(dad never traveled with us) and cry together whenever any of the children is ill(taking turns to stay in hospital). The effect this has on my siblings and I is that we can actually tolerate polygamy. I understand that for the marriage to happen, there must be a dating process, well….its better he eventually marries her (for reasons we must both agree) than to have him sleeping somewhere I may never know.. Kai..African men and their wahala she…

    • cynthia

      January 10, 2013 at 5:30 pm

      Wow this is a very intersting one. Are you all from the same tribe i.e. dad, mum and stepmums? Were the wives from polygamous homes? Very impressive that your dad managed to achive that sort of harmony. I always think just one woman’s wahala alone is more than enough but just yesterday someone was saying that is precisely the reason why polygamy works because when one woman’s wahala gets too much, the man can go to the other woman. So would you honestly not mind if your husband had a second wife?? Apologies for the 21 questions but you have a unique background.

    • Mana

      January 10, 2013 at 5:43 pm

      Never thought polygamous home can be that peaceful. Polygamy is NO WAY for me, but before a man sleeps around with many mistresses is better he marries many wifes.

      http://www.finest-in-internet.com/

  6. OhafiaPrincess

    January 10, 2013 at 4:44 pm

    *African men and their wahala sha….

  7. Lani

    January 10, 2013 at 4:47 pm

    Richard, what kind of mitigating circumstance? The woman cannot have a baby? She’s no longer attractive? You become rich but she’s still uneducated so you need a trophy wife? You need male children but she’s only giving you girls? Or she’s not a good wife? That statement is quite annoying. What kinds of mitigating circumstance do African men go through that would make them marry another woman if they didn’t harbour the thoughts before?
    With the exception of religious reasons, I do not think women marry men with the knowledge that they would have to share the man later on. I do not have data to back it up, but I am quite sure many modern day polygamous families are as a result of cheating men. They are also as a result of the pressure we put on women. You are getting old, your biological clock is ticking, you will use your retirement money to send children to school!
    Please lets stop putting pressure on single ladies! We are our own enemies. Can I just say that I know quite a number of women who became second wives, or married divorced men or men separated from their wives and now they have been thrown out of their homes. Life is not that hard. These marriages are hardly ever happy or sweet. Marriage should be enjoyable. Do not get pregnant so a man is forced to marry you. In future, he will happily throw you out if he so wishes. Sorry if my post is long but I have seen too much to keep quiet.

  8. Ladi

    January 10, 2013 at 5:04 pm

    Its a generalization to say polygamy is generally accepted in society. I do not believe in polygamy neither does my religion so the husband has no options. But I don’t think there is anything called ‘cheating’ when polygamy is an option on the table. Except where on religious grounds, there is a number limit (eg. 4).

    Like my muslim side of the family, the girls date married men (with the hope of being #2, #3 or #4) but they are not seen as ‘runs’ girls they way Lolita and her fellow Southern/Christian friends may be viewed if they dated a married man.

    My cousin wasn’t allowed to marry her boyfriend but after he married the arrangee 1sts wife, she was still seeing him and then married in as the 2nd. Is that cheating? Since that’s acceptable in their faith?

    third world problems

  9. worried n confused

    January 10, 2013 at 5:04 pm

    This Polygamy issue has bn on my mind all year! lol, 2013 i mean… i am far above 30 and family is getting really worried. i have bn waiting for my own hubby who still hasnt shown up!! Meanwhile i have a married toaster who has bn hounding me to be 4th wife for ova 3 years. my folks think hes perfect but i still refused dating him. Giving my culture, religion- am getting tempted. Besides, he is a better deal than all d no do-good single arseholes i have dated . hes less than 50, nice personality ( i presume)and he promised to get me my own apartment. i have a great job and am comfortable so am not about to hustle for properties.

    • Shade O.

      January 10, 2013 at 7:44 pm

      Sometimes half of a decent loaf is still better than a full rotten loaf. If you are above 30, then I’m assuming you aren’t a child anymore and can figure out what you really want in a man and out of life. Wish you all the best.

  10. Person pikin

    January 10, 2013 at 5:10 pm

    How in these days of all sorts of STDs and all what not, people still cheat and marry multiple wives beats me.

  11. Glam

    January 10, 2013 at 5:21 pm

    Polygamy to me is ‘legalized’ cheating. Its so bad seeing two or more women competing for one man’s affection.

    theglamfile.blogspot.com

  12. iamfascinating

    January 10, 2013 at 6:10 pm

    same, same!

    thestunninglady.blogspot.com

  13. BB

    January 10, 2013 at 6:21 pm

    Its very simple a polygamus home can only be peaceful if there is money just like @princess said ‘plan birthday parties together, plan holidays together and travel together’ meaning the man had enough resourses to go around, as long as i have lived i havent heard of any poor mans polygamus home being peaceful cuz the women would want to protect their childrens inheritance. My bf’s bestie, his dad is a governor and this man has 3 wives they children all love each other like they are from the same mother why because this man has money to look afer his wives n kids which he does very very well infact which is the reason why the home and the wives relationships is peaceful. So IMO you can only have a peaceful polygamus home if the man has money and this flips the scrip that it is now left to the man to keep his home peaceful and no favorite.

    • Teju

      January 10, 2013 at 8:24 pm

      I think the peaceful way the family interact, is more down to the man’s character than the amount of money he has. There are many materially-poor men out there who have character and manage to operate their homes with dignity and fairness. The state of a polygamous home is determined by the character of the father/ head of the home. When the father is a man that doesn’t display favouritism, is seen to be fair and just to all, doesn’t encourage gossip or back-biting, then his home is bound to be peaceful because there is a reduced/ non-existent need for the wives or children to try to compete amongst themselves or out-do each other. But when the man lacks strength or quality of character, he is weak, partial or prejudiced, then you have the commotion associated with polygamy.

  14. brit

    January 10, 2013 at 7:21 pm

    though my family(religion) n culture permits polygamy. The thought of it irritates me.
    my cousins married due to biology clock ticking pressures and so on. I still cant deal!! besides who says he wont still cheat after his 4th wife??.

    • Shade

      January 10, 2013 at 8:05 pm

      Neo, i am with you on that. It is by far more honourable for a man to take responsibility and go down the polygamous route, than being a lying, cheating hypocrite by supposedly having one wife, yet being more emotionally and otherwise attached to another woman.

    • Lisa

      January 10, 2013 at 9:56 pm

      Well done! Stay there and do not deal. Your certificate will soon arrive in the post. I bet your cousins are in their homes, are having their children and have a man that is responsible for them and thay they can point to when ask, ‘where is your husband’. Our world today is far from ideal and everyone just needs to decide what is important to them. Is it having a man who is by most standards a ‘good’ man as a husband and father of your children, but is also same to another woman and her children? Or is it being the only wife of a useless man who does not know what it means to be a father or husband? Life is full of so many different shades of grey and everyone needs to figure out what shade works for them. If yours is to ‘not deal’, good for you. I hope you find what you ant in the package you want it to be.

    • brit

      January 11, 2013 at 2:06 pm

      we could go on and on, bottom line is every man is different , a polygamist can still cheat, have children in 7 diff countries and not be a good father, so can a monogamist. but like i said it irritates ME!. and society expecting one to “settle” with a man as what ever number of wife because of age is an insult. If you’re your husband’s 2nd/3rd/4th wife and you’re happy, kudos to you and i hope you’ve got your certificate delivered already.

    • lorenz

      January 13, 2013 at 1:10 am

      Lisa, I think its only a lack of self esteem that will make a woman marry another woman’s husband. What makes you feel you cant have your own?

    • B!

      January 30, 2013 at 9:40 pm

      That’s very rude. Everyone is entitled to their opinion. You can say “I disagree for so – and – so reasons …”, but to reply her in such a disparaging manner? Come on. We are all adults here.
      Except you, apparently.

    • Magz

      February 28, 2013 at 11:53 am

      i am sure you are one of the people that will encourage their friend to ‘snatch’ another woman’s husband. i have a belief; Marriage is not compulsory. Brit is d only one that will feel whatever the marriage (to another woman’s husband) brings, not u, not her cousins. it is her life & her opinion. if she feels she is not okay with a married man, fine! biko, marriage no be by force o

  15. Teju

    January 10, 2013 at 8:28 pm

    I think the peaceful way the family interact, is more down to the man’s character than the amount of money he has. There are many materially-poor men out there who have character and manage to operate their homes with dignity and fairness. The state of a polygamous home is determined by the character of the father/ head of the home. When the father is a man that doesn’t display favouritism, is seen to be fair and just to all, doesn’t encourage gossip or back-biting, then his home is bound to be peaceful because there is a reduced/ non-existent need for the wives or children to try to compete amongst themselves or out-do each other. But when the man lacks strength or quality of character, he is weak, partial or prejudiced, then you have the commotion associated with polygamy.

    • TruthTalker

      January 11, 2013 at 8:51 am

      Truth123Seeker: @ Teju: Well written and thought out point that made sense. It is truly about the character @ the end of the day as you’ve mentioned. That is, a rich man can have 1 wife and treat his wife very shabbily which could leave to this particular wife feeling miserable. So, as we see here character is paramount. The correct term we should be using here is actually “polygyny” & it is quite possible for a man to co-exist peacefully with selfless women. It’s divine and takes humility and interdependent love on all parties with the Wisdom of The Most High God of Abraham, Isaac, and Israel ( which by the way Abraham and Israel, formerly Jacob of the bible were clearly shown as polygynous men with more than 1 wife) – True indeed that this topic will be a touchy issue for most; kuddos to you Kote for not being afraid to share your thoughts. Finally, we need to throw the term “cheating” out of the window. “Cheating” implies Marriage/Dating as a sport game. It is not. The term “infidelity” is more accurate. #Seek Truth # Truth Makes 1 free

  16. Ade

    January 10, 2013 at 8:47 pm

    Polygamy was what kept marriages and our society together in the days of our fathers and fore-fathers. As a result, men were programmed to be more honourable, disciplined and responsible. Now with all our open-eye and adopting oyinbo cultures that clearly arent working for us, is why we are experiencing a rise in divorce, broken homes, cheating, diseases, lack of morals in the society etc. Until we re-align ourselves with our roots and traditions, Nigeria will continue to go from bad to worse. When a married man knows he is obligated to marry a woman he is dating, he will restrain himself and not feel the desire to jump all over the place. But today, a man is married to one wife, yet at every turn of the marriage, he has a girlfriend, wife would rather accept that as long as she is the only wife…. where is the accountability in that? When girlfriend Ada gets tired and moves on, girlfriend Bisi steps in and so the cycle goes, until one day someone has HIV. Also because of this need to maintain a facade of a one-wife marriage, men have become sunk so to all time levels of lying, cheating and deceit. Many wives are also miserable; husband is always out, text messages, exhausted from the lies etc.

    Like a lot of things, Africans have adopted the oyinbo man’s way, but it clearly is not working for us (and them if i dare say).

    • Turayo Tijani

      January 13, 2013 at 8:09 pm

      Don’t blame oyinbo culture. What we have now is our own doing and our own fault. There is nothing new under the sun.

  17. Ade

    January 10, 2013 at 8:48 pm

    *men have sunk to all time levels….

  18. Berry Dakara formerly Choco Latte

    January 10, 2013 at 10:14 pm

    I’m a Christian, so I don’t “agree” with polygamy. However, there are different religions (even some that supposedly have Christian) roots where polygamy is the norm/expectation. I personally don’t know anyone from a polygamous home. But here’s where reality TV helps – Sister Wives on TLC has given me a different perspective or outlook on the topic. From my understanding, wife/wives and husband are in agreement that he will take another wife. In that respect, polygamy isn’t cheating. It becomes cheating when the wife does not know that her husband is seeking another woman to marry.

    My thoughts.

    berrydakara.blogspot.com

    • brit

      January 11, 2013 at 2:27 pm

      right on the head!

  19. Idak

    January 10, 2013 at 11:29 pm

    With all these kind of discussions on polygamy, cheating and its likes HIV and its related STD siblings are here to stay for good. The comments here are scary. Far from me to judge any man (I am too unworthy) but i wish strength and grace to all those at cross roads discussed herein. May circumstances not make you sacrifice your convictions on the altar of desperation. Much grace and strength to all.

  20. Idak

    January 10, 2013 at 11:33 pm

    While we are at it, how about polyandry?
    Are men the only ones with a licence to be irrationally horny?

    • Maxie

      January 11, 2013 at 12:45 am

      Gbam! Thank u my dear………….

    • what

      January 11, 2013 at 1:14 am

      Thanks for thsi was also wondering as well…..so only men are allowed to marry more tha one…sory in the current economy ..some women can also afford more than one husband..

    • wande

      January 11, 2013 at 3:31 am

      Oh well, In my culture while a woman can’t marry many husbands at the same time, back in the day she could actually divorce as many times as she wants without any stigma attached if she didn’t like her current husband….both my (educated) grandmas where married twice (I think the paternal one 3 times sef, 1st one 4kids, 2nd one 1 child and last one no kids at all)…..before oyinbo people came, nothing do anybody for my village oh! as long as you no be ashawo, carry go :D….Now everybody don turn christian, not even the men in my family are allowed polygamy/divorce/remarry not to talk of the women…..

    • Berry Dakara formerly Choco-Latte

      January 11, 2013 at 9:40 am

      Actually, in my culture, if a female is the first child and there’s no male heir, she assumes the role of continuing the family line. I believe she can have children with different men, if she chooses, and those children bear HER family name. Not sure that she’s supposed to marry different men though. I’ll go look it up.

      berrydakara.blogspot.com

    • Babee

      January 12, 2013 at 10:50 pm

      LMAO, I LOOKED ONLINE TO SEE IN WHAT COUNTRIES POLYANDRY WAS PRACTICED & NIGERIA WAS THE FIRST AFRICAN COUNTRY ON THE LIST !

      Polyandry and various societies.
      Polyandry in Tibet was a common practice and continues to a lesser extent today. It also occurs or has occurred in Nigeria, the Nymba,[2] and some pre-contact Polynesian societies,[3] though probably only among higher caste women.[4] Polyandry in India still exists among minorities, and also in Bhutan, and the northern parts of Nepal. Polyandry has been practised in several parts of India, such as Rajasthan, Ladakh and Zanskar, in the Jaunsar-Bawar region in Uttarakhand, …..It is also encountered in some regions of Yunnan and Sichuan regions of China, among the Mosuo people in China, … The Guanches, the first known inhabitants of the Canary Islands, practiced polyandry until their disappearance.[6] The Zo’e tribe in the state of Pará on the Cuminapanema River, Brazil, also practice polyandry.[7] Polyandry was practiced in Celtic societies as women were allowed to own property and marry more than one husband.

    • MissShayee

      January 14, 2013 at 2:14 pm

      Thank you o! I was about to ask,if men are ‘allowed’ to marry as many women as they want,Can’t women marry as many men as they want? Why is it that women are like articles to be taken at random and collected like art? why can’t i collect men too? Over the years,women have been told to accept whatever crap has been thrown at them under the guise of ‘being a good wife’. Let’s assume there’s no Christianity. I don’t believe any woman will be truly happy to share her husband,and men would never stand the thought of sharing their women.

      My own 2 cents: One man,One woman. I’d rather adopt than tell my husband to take another wife. If he wants me to leave,i shall leave with my dignity and self-respect intact. It means his love toward me is very conditional.

      Think,will a man tell his wife to sleep with another man so that they can have children? Abeg o, I’d rather be happily single than be a 2nd wife. For what? Sharing a man will not give me an extra dose of happiness and fulfillment.

  21. HABBA

    January 11, 2013 at 3:11 am

    Polygamy is not a brand new thing in Nigeria. why are all of you acting fresh? mchew

  22. NNENNE

    January 11, 2013 at 4:24 am

    And we still wonder why our government cannot support the poor? When one man has fifty children who can control / take care of that kind of population?

  23. Ari L.

    January 11, 2013 at 5:46 am

    Sad!!! Cheating is sad! Polygamy is sad!!! Same same. Sad sad! To bad we have myopic folks in our nation, that thing barbaric acts like polygamy is fine.

    Acceptance of cheating shows the level of integrity of the people in our country.

    • Scarlet Xianne

      January 11, 2013 at 10:05 am

      I’m with you on this one my dear.

      http://www.scarletxianne.blogspot.com

    • zainab

      January 11, 2013 at 6:34 pm

      talk about being brainwashed. polygamy is barbaric? accountability and legitimacy is bad? i bet u prefer disease spreading, illegitimate children, single mothering and lies. if a man can afford to treat both wives equally, and is accountable for them, rather than lying and hiding about the place, whats wrong with that? monogamy, especially forced on men is unnatural. wake up and smell the coffee, oyinbo dont have all the answers you know?

    • specs

      January 12, 2013 at 7:34 am

      hahahahahahaha…….did YOU, as in YOU!! just use the word brainwashed?? hahaha….thats too funny! About the funniest thing I’ve read in a looong time…..quick advice, how about about we leave the use of that word out of this, cos you just might not be qualified to use it….hehehehe, you funny pass aluwe!!

  24. maimo

    January 11, 2013 at 11:54 am

    am now the 3rd husband of my wife because we practice polyandry in my community and we appreciate each other whenever is your turn you comply

    • Babee

      January 12, 2013 at 10:53 pm

      what community is that?

  25. JADE

    January 11, 2013 at 4:02 pm

    Loooool maimo are u for real right now?please what community is that?lemme come and marry from there 🙂

  26. dee

    January 11, 2013 at 10:32 pm

    please where is Gloria Edozien. l miss her o

  27. mfon

    January 12, 2013 at 6:27 pm

    there is no such thing as a woman who is truly happy that you’re marrying her husband. Honor yourself, honor God and find your OWN man. Don’t contribute to another person’s unhappiness. She may accept it, but she’s not happy and if he marries another one after you, you’ll know why. I’ve talked to quite a few first wives, the unhappiness in their eyes about the apparent rejection they feel because their husband wanted another, is just not the type of thing you want to inflict on anyone. Moreso, it’s a myth that there are no other men. There are. check a dating website (with care), ask people to look out for good men for you and also once you take your eyes completely off the married men, it’s shocking how you’ll start noticing the good unmarried ones.

  28. Evilicious

    January 15, 2013 at 3:24 pm

    Marriage is between a man and a wife not wives.

  29. Wallex

    January 18, 2013 at 8:19 pm

    What works for one woman will not necessarily work for the other. It is far better to be in a polygamy than be in a monogamous relationship with a man that goes sleeping with anything in skirt out there and giving you a hell of life. I presently know about a woman who would rather be in a polygamous relationship than be in her present monogamous relationship with no peace of mind. Just do what you think is good for you and will give you joy and rest of mind.

  30. molarah

    January 21, 2013 at 8:59 pm

    All this “it is better to be in a happy polygamy than an unhappy monogamy” talk is indicative of the fact that as women, we have set our sights too low.

    Or maybe you’ve never actually been in love before. Because if you have, I don’t know how any bone or nerve in you can even stay still with the mere thought of your beloved being with another woman.

    We were made as pairs, not as trios or quartets. Every one (for those that decide to get married) deserves to have a spouse that can give them their undivided affection and devotion. We don’t have to whitewash every thing our ancestors did – polygamy is unnatural, point blank.

  31. Pamilerin

    January 22, 2013 at 12:00 pm

    Na wah oooo…if a married guy gives me peace and showers me love…then so be it,have tried a single guy and he was worse than any bad thing u can imagine,cheats,lies,lies as in concentrated lies oo,he swindles,always in police custody,he even had a child by another woman,just name it.So would you blame me if i settle for a married gentleman who gives me rest of mind?I will sure do it over and over again,you can take your opinion of me to wherever u care.

  32. HOPE

    January 28, 2013 at 5:57 pm

    @ pamilerin. till this so called married man, becomes tired of you and finds another one, then you will understand the emotional hurt you have caused his wife.ask God for your own husband who will love you body ,spirit and soul.it is not too hard for God to do.take it or leave it polygamy is madness.

  33. lee

    January 30, 2013 at 1:12 pm

    all i could say after reading this piece was wow! i never tot of polygamy that way. seriously there is indeed a thin line between it and cheating. tnk heavens Christianity frowns at it which offers a certain level of relieve. i really dont know how a man copes with one, two three, four……….wives! me think its another excuse for male chauvinism.

  34. jumy

    February 1, 2013 at 10:25 pm

    i’ve never had dreams of the big white purity dress thing and never been fond of young men either. i had always wanted a man who already has kids and willing to take care of my me n kid(s) so i don’t get unnecessary pressure concerning marital duties and my career. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with polygamy as long as wisdom is applied, infact every man is an inch away from being a slut so its no big deal. Some friends asked me what i’ll do if i find out my hubby screwed my maid and probably got her pregnant. My response is no be human being she be, toto na toto any day. i’ll find a way to deal with it. No child is useless, ofcourse i’ll feel bad but like i said i won’t put myself in a position to knock myself off with worry. every marriage has a story to tell

  35. Magz

    February 28, 2013 at 12:12 pm

    why do people always say, “it’s normal for a man to cheat”? why? i always believe that by God’s Grace, i will get what i want. so i don’t understand why i will continue saying “he can cheat, as long as he takes care of me” when i can tell God, “i want a man who will make me happy & who will not cheat”? God dint create any man to be a cheat, a rapist, a liar, a wife/gf-beater, neither did he create any lady to be a runz girl, a liar, a murderer etc; these ‘sins’ are a result of urges that can be curbed. but when people constantly say, it’s normal for a man to cheat; we are giving them a go-ahead to treat the woman anyhow. my religion frowns upon polygamy & cheating. i as a person detest polygamy/cheating. but if ur religion accepts polygamy, and u ar okay with it, fine!
    cheating is not normal but if it is normal; for men, then it should also be normal for women! Shikena! a lady who is a family friend once told her husband; “the day you decide to cheat is the day i will start answering all those rich men always winking @ me”. we all laughed but she was serious about it. till now, the husband still asks her “are you really serious? you will cheat if i cheat?” and she replies “try it first”. women have always been taught to keep quiet and endure stupid things if they are not happy. LADIES, PLS YOUR HAPPINESS ALSO COUNTS!

  36. nomore

    March 10, 2013 at 9:18 pm

    Everyone has their own opinions about polygamy, it all has to do with your own experience. Ive been married for 10 years. And us woman all know polygamy or not we want our own Man for ourselves. We have a natural jealousy thats built in us from day one. This is my story, lt started off like this: Omg! Why did you cheat on me? Why did you have to lie about it? Why couldn’t you be a man and bring it to the table? NOW HE APOLOGIZED AND OUR Happily marriage continued. Years later it was on to the next question. Why did you have to tell me about this woman it hurts!! why do she have to be valued the same as me, Why do you have to make her your second wife, I don’t like this woman, Honey why aren’t you home? HIS ANSWER: “YOU KNOW WHERE I AM, I DONT WANT TO LIE TO YOU ANYMORE, IM IN LOVE WITH YOU AND HER” MY ANSWER ” Why her, why me? Why cant you just cheat and move on with our lives like the old days, when you use to say that I’m am your 1 and only my wife and that your never leaving me for another women.
    ” Believe it or not I miss those days. Now today it’s “SHES MY WIFE AND SO ARE YOU, I CANT LEAVE BOTH OF YOU. BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE A SIN TO THE MOST HIGH” i can’t take this no more. I respect man who are careful and cheat and hides it, that shows he doesn’t want to loose you. But when it’s out in the open there’s nothing else to do but to sit around and wait till he comes home. Ladys after 10 years ive realized i created a monster

  37. Flower of Cherries

    March 12, 2013 at 5:32 am

    I find this to be a rather interesting topic. I am an american and here it is still widespread and illegal but i know a few people, who while they are not legally married, have several “lovers” for lack of a better term. Its something i was raised to frown upon but recently i have come to see it simply as being none of my business. but in more recent years i have fallen in love with a man who has already had a long term girlfriend for the last 7 years or so. the odd thing being we both live in different parts of the world. still we (all 3 of us) are rather open minded people when it comes to these types of matters. recently the topic came up as a joke between he and i, but it quickly became a serious conversation, and much to my surprise i found myself feeling that if i was put into that position, i would willingly agree to it, though it still sits strangely in my mind. his girlfriend and i are as close as sisters. and in our case it came from a mutual understanding that he loves her, they have no intention of separating, but he and i also love each other deeply. our current relationship (though he and i are not “dating” per say) is already frowned upon by most people we know. most assume (without knowing him and with no facts to back up there assumptions) that he is cheating on his girlfriend and he and i are having an affair. this is not the case. (I can’t help but get upset when people assume things about him without knowing our situation fully. But I guess I should expect that we will never truly be accepted, not in any real sense.) but in our case it is simply that he fell in love with her, and then he fell in love with me, but he never fell out of love with anyone. she challenges him and i meet his challenges. He is not promiscuous by any means and is by nature incredibly kind and sensitive to the feelings of others.

    truly i think what matters most is honestly, and trust. i can say for one that were i to be the first of his loves i would trust him enough to know he would never mean to hurt anyone involved, but i have learned you can’t help who you fall in love with. should he and his girlfriend decide to take that path we will have some talking to do, naturally. but if there is love, then all this can create is tolerance and understanding.

    and what i can say to those who say “what if the new girl/guy is sick/promiscuous/jealous?”
    how well do you know the person you married? because odds are if your thinking things like that, you don’t trust there choices. maybe you have a reason not to, MAYBE YOU DON’T.

    • Jo!

      November 20, 2014 at 1:03 pm

      Odiegwu!

  38. lerato

    November 20, 2014 at 12:32 pm

    Polygam just luv it im part of it.

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