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Seun Akinlosotu: Test Drive the Engine



Hi there ladies, oh & gentlemen too. I was minding my business jejely on social media when I came across a post trending on Instagram, apparently written by a Victor Chigozie Ibeh. I’m assuming Victor is a man, so errm for a man to give this advice I would say we should probably listen. I didn’t say do o, I said listen.

So the post reads “Dear Lady, before you marry him, discuss sex. Don’t spiritualize it. Sex is important. Infact you can’t do without it. Be sure that he has a working penis. You need his penis more than you need his speaking in tongues. God created the penis and Vagina for a purpose; and they have to be put to use. Remember that any tree that does not bear fruit will be uprooted. Don’t allow anyone to deceive you. Speaking in tongues will not stop you from being wet. After the tongues comes the cock. –Victor Chigozie Ibeh.”

I swear I found it hard to keep a straight face while reading this, and I swear this is the problem with a lot of us Nigerian women. We cannot discuss bedroom matters with a straight face.

Back to Victor’s “words of wisdom”; I’ve always been a supporter of keeping your legs closed before marriage, and I applaud those who do it, but I do not judge those who don’t either. To each his own abeg. This was until my dear friend married a spiri-koko guy some 5/6 years back who would not even kiss her while dating and was even appalled at the mention of sex between non married folks. He believed sex was to be discussed by only married folks. This sounds like good advice abi? Well wouldn’t it be too late if you waited till you got married to discuss sex? Oh, by the way, bros spiri-koko could not get it up in bed and my friend who was dying to be a pastor Mrs. in future didn’t know until 2 weeks after they got married when she was more or less determined to rape her husband. The concluding part of their story is for another day.

When my friend told me what was going on, I swear my stance on “test driving” went from sitting on the fence to YOU MUST TEST, but DO NOT NECESSARILY DRIVE.  This is how I see it: Every time I’ve been to a mechanic, or a car dealership I’ve always seen either or both the mechanic and the car owner/buyer lifting the hood of the car up and taking a good look at the engine; and also leaning their ears in to hear the engine’s performance. I’m assuming by looking at and listening intently to the engine, the buyer/owner is making sure he/she does not take home a lemon. I think they believe if there’s a defect in the engine it could possibly be spotted by lifting the hood up and paying attention.

Now to be double sure that what they’ve seen matches the performance, some will take the car for a test drive before finally paying the mechanic or seller for the vehicle. Biko, what is wrong in applying this same methodology to your sex life? I leave the test drive part to each person (but please remember you don’t have to drive each car you come across) .Make sure you catch a glimpse of his “engine”, actually scratch glimpse, make sure you take a good look at the engine and make sure it can stand, there are no visible damages, and most importantly that it actually does exist BEFORE you sign the dotted line.

Some people will frown at what I just said but please don’t forget that the heart of man is desperately wicked (e.g. my friend’s husband who used Spiri-kokoness to cover the fact that his engine is defective and didn’t think it necessary to inform her before marriage). Once you take the “engine” home and everyone has associated you as the owner of the “engine” it is not easy to return it back for manufacturer defect or user defect; there is no 30 day warranty on these “engines” oo.

In essence, I agree with Victor. Bro, you have spoken well. Let she that has ears hear o. We don’t want to come and read stories that touch the heart on Aunty Bella.

Sex is not the end of the world – yes we know, but how would you handle it if you didn’t know your husband has a defective penis, I mean he kept it a secret under the guise of no sex before marriage?  Also, when people say discuss sex before marriage, what exactly are you supposed to say to each other? “Babe, lift up you skirt, abi take down your trousers let me see what you working with? “How often a week are we looking at? Are you a Christian Grey or a Christian Missionary? Should we order a karma-sutra book? Are we praying before or not?

I know I would be reeling in laughter if  I had a conversation about it and I definitely will not keep a straight face.

People, how did your sex conversation go with your intended? Please come and share.

Love is a beautiful thing.

Photo Credit: Dreamstime |  Bobby Flowers

Seun Akinlosotu is a Tech Analyst by day and an aspiring Writer by midnight. She's a self proclaimed Romanticist who likes to write light heartedly. Her write ups are geared at a cross mix of audience, none of which will need an Oxford Dictionary to understand her. There's more to read from her at & on IG @Chechecosmos