Don’t you just hate people who can’t kiss? It’s a hot mess really!
Okay, let’s dial this back a few rounds.
You meet this super delicious looking person – everything is on point. Said person stimulates your mind, sets your toes tingling, and there’s something in their eyes that makes you just want to lean in. You give in to the insane urge to just… taste. Nibble. Experience. Feel. Something. Then when you do, you encounter teeth. A LOT of TEETH and a clumsy chunk/slab of uncontrolled saliva-laden tongue – like a thick wet towel that got caught in the Houston floods.
People, kissing is an art form that should not be desecrated on the altar of inexperience or skill. However, there’s something about kissing, and its existence in our Nigerianism that makes me wonder about its antecedents. Did our forefathers take soft bites of our foremothers’ lips? Did Greatgrand Pa Ajanlekoko thrust his tongue down the mouth of Greatgrand Ma Aramanfesinmi?
I never saw my parents kiss. There were no soft touches and deep gazes that suggested intimacy of that sort. So one can only imagine the acute way my interest was piqued the first time I ‘experienced’ a kiss within the pages of a book.
At 12, I was a voracious reader – I mean, what other options do you have with an extremely vivid imagination and very little interest in actual human beings? So, I always had my head buried in a book – preferably a love story. The African authors I was exposed to at the time, wrote about classrooms, virtues and cultural adherence. My ‘Oyinbo’ books, on the other hand, told the stories of long sensual touches, fevered whispers and love so intense, you could cut through that tension with Dragonglass! (G.O.T fans! WHAT happened yesterday?? Whoaaa!)
With that level of intensity and a curious mind, it was only a matter of time before I tried to figure out how to get myself into that space. Ladies, and gentlemen, it was bland. Behind the Intro-tech lab, staring at the peeling yellow wall with the dull scrawl of ‘Aloba Wuz Hia’ staring back at me, his lips pressed against mine tentatively. I thought of the times when the characters in my novels talked about tongues, and then I opened my mouth – gently using my tongue to explore what lay on the other side. Sanitary concerns were discarded as I wondered what I’d do if he wanted to reciprocate by shoving his own tongue down my mouth.
It wasn’t ‘sweet’; I didn’t feel the heady rush I had expected. So, in my usual self-deprecating manner, I chucked it to me being a turd – an inexperienced lousy kisser. So, I made up my mind to study and practice. By study, I mean, dig deeper into all my Harlequin romance and Mills & Boon novels. I would stand in front of the mirror and practice what I imagined was how my tongue was supposed to twirl – this way, and then that. Slowly, and gently… just like the novels prescribed. Thankfully, the next guy I kissed after my self-training was quite good. Very good actually – and I got all the intensity promised by the novels. There was no outpouring of saliva (as I’ve since then encountered. Gosh! That’s just god-awful!) There was no gnashing of teeth (During that encounter, I imagined I had gone to hell and was being punished for daring to allow a boy bring his lips near mine. Nobody could tell me that guy didn’t have more than 32 teeth.) There was no Kplab kplab of the untamed tongue.
I asked a couple of my friends to share some of their kissing experiences with me. [
Thank you Witches of TN]
“How about those that open mouth before getting to you? I remember one dude that almost used tongue to choke me many moons ago. Sigh Thank God those days are over”
“Others will use tongue to count all your 32”
“Some fine boys that look like they know their starves will just be coming to desecrate person mouth. So if you can’t kiss, then it’s natural to assume you will be a lay from hell”
Another friend, (a guy) had this to say: “Na the licking of the whole face all in the name of kissing I hate. Ito everywhere [Ito is saliva in Yoruba]
With all these bad stories about kissing, I am inclined to think, maybe kissing is one of those things we did adopt from our Western friends – you know, like their cell phones, religion, and apple crumble! So how did our ancestors initiate the first step of foreplay? My friend said they probably exchanged palm fruits! Maybe they touched each other’s noses and gazed into their deep kohl-lined eyes.
Maybe one person learned how to kiss, and then taught the next person. Which brings the question, can kissing be learned? I’d say yes. Hey, with the predominance of YouTube videos, I’m sure there’s a lesson on how to dip, nibble and twirl in a sensual way. In fact, let me stop here and hurry on to find out from my comrades on YouTube.
Please share your kissing experiences with me. I love a good kiss… as you can clearly tell! Oh and please tell me if you’re an opened or closed eyes person. Depending on the person and the level of attraction – what is that thing they say about eyes being the mirror into the soul? And before we lay the blame solely on guys… I’ve heard some girls just make you wanna run to the hills when they bring their mouth near you. Father Be a Rescuer!
Peace, love & celery stalks!
Photo Credit: Dreamstime | Felix Mizioznikov