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Olawunmi Esan: Sex & the Single Fellow



dreamstime_m_255482I am not a feminist, neither am I a masculinist. I like to believe that I am a realist and it would be pretty unrealistic of me to deny the fact that sex between single people is quite hip these days. Gone are the days when an unmarried lady or man would have sex in secret to avoid being labelled. These days, it is the other way. Abstinence and virginity are what people hide for fear of being shamed.

I am not here to pontificate or judge anyone; however I would like us to think deeply about the motives behind our actions. I hear a lot of people talk about how they can never marry an individual they never had sex with. I’m sure you have heard that too. The most common justification I hear is, that is the only way to confirm sexual compatibility.

Maybe it’s true, maybe it isn’t; but for argument’s sake, I will follow this train of thought.

When you want to purchase a pair of shoes, you have to test that it is the right fit by putting your feet into the shoes, right? You want to buy a car, you have to test drive it, right? You want to get married, you have to assess the individual’s character and personality right? Just so you get it all right, you test his or her privates as well, just to check total compatibility.

Fantastic. My question is though, how many times do you try the shoes before buying them?

How long do you test drive the car for before deciding whether or not to make a purchase?

Not a lot I’m guessing, else the shoe or car salesman would probably kick you out.

If truly this reason people give for having sex before marriage really is factual, why then do people have sex repeatedly all in the name of testing sexual compatibility? I would guess that at most, you can test that, say 3 times to have a good idea of your compatibility. However, the reality is that most people who do this so called ‘Sexual compatibility test’ do it way more than the number of times actually required to run a test.

Let’s be honest with ourselves. Is the real reason you cannot marry an individual without having sex truly because you need to confirm sexual compatibility or is it because YOU JUST WANT TO HAVE SEX – plain and simple?

Like I said, I am not pontificating here. I have been there, done that. I was, if I may say so myself, very good at sex. I thought there was nothing more to be learnt until I got married and sex took on dimensions I never thought existed. Premarital sex was a meaningless pursuit.

You may be thinking, ‘Oh, she’s had her fun and doesn’t want me to have mine’. Trust me, we learn from the mistakes of others because we can’t live long enough to make all the mistakes ourselves.

It’s not a need for compatibility that drives us to premarital sex, it is indiscipline and an unwillingness to put our bodies under control. We let our bodies that we should control, take over and control us. There have been instances where people have great sex lives before marriage and upon getting married, their sex lives go downhill. There are people who pretend to enjoy sex with their partners just to get married, and later begin to display a strong distaste for sex in marriage.

I have seen it.

What then happens to the veracity of the compatibility test then? You tested, you confirmed but things became different in marriage. Trust me, sex is a big part of marriage but it’s not the only important aspect of marriage. There are other areas where compatibility is way more crucial than sex.

And I throw it back at you, if you have ever broken off a relationship, was sexual incompatibility your major reason for doing so? If you are currently in a relationship, is sexual compatibility your key reason for staying?

If you play your cards right, you can help a sexually deficient spouse become great at sex, you can teach your spouse every sexual trick in the book but it may be more difficult to change an individual’s personality traits, that has ossified over the years.

Let’s not deceive ourselves. When it comes down the brass tacks, you will not choose an individual for marriage solely based on sexual prowess. You won’t marry a man who beats you black and blue because he is great in bed neither would you choose a woman whose character is questionable because she’s exceptional in bed.

Sex is pleasurable but those few minutes or hours can lead to a lifetime of regret, pain, hurt and sometimes even irreparable damages to our health and self-esteem. There is more beauty in the journey of sexual discovery that happens within the sanctity of marriage.

You may disagree with me and that’s okay. All I ask, however, is that you think about it.

Photo Credit: Bobby Deal |

Olawunmi Esan is a trained Psychotherapist, who specializes as a Sex Therapist & Coach. She helps couples take Sexual Intimacy from Routine to Mind-blowing and has worked with over 1,000 individuals and couples to help them enjoy more fulfilling Intimacy and Sex lives. She is a founding member of The African Association of Professional Counsellors (ANEPCO) and the Founder of The Thriving Family, a Counselling Organisation working to promote positive and well balanced family life. You can learn more about her work HERE Olawunmi is married with children.


  1. MissSunshine

    August 31, 2016 at 7:58 pm


  2. Oma Akihiko

    August 31, 2016 at 8:18 pm

    Can we all stop making a big deal out of sex? Whatever rocks your boat! “What do you mean by sex takes on a new meaning in marriage? ” Of course, it would take on a new meaning but that’s only because you feel comfortable and confident because you believe and trust in your husband’s love for you. You feel different because of the sense of pleasure that comes from such freedom of vulnerability. Most girls don’t, they can’t be that vulnerable and that’s because they’ve been conditioned to think that sex is something you do with your husband and instead of enjoying them,selves they are stuck wondering if the guy likes them or not or If he’ll marry them at the end of the day, etc. Why should that matter?

    Can we all just live and let live? Can people just leave people to define their moral values? it should be nobody’s business what you do in your bedroom. What is wrong with wanting to have sex? What is wrong with 5 mins of pleasure that is guaranteed to help you with insomnia? What is wrong with sex for the sake of it? What is wrong with empty pleasure?

    For the sake of decency, don’t come at me with any religious believes. I have none, so if you will excuse me, I’m going to masturbate myself to sleep. Hiss!

    • Baby gurl

      August 31, 2016 at 8:52 pm

      Okay, whatever rocks your boat honey. Please remember to use your condom tho and if you’re a woman don’t forget to tell him to get the rubber o. Btw, sex is a big deal ☺ Stay blessed ✌

    • Mr. Egghead

      August 31, 2016 at 8:56 pm

      ‘5 minutes of pleasure guaranteed to cure insomnia’

      Diazepam works faster

    • beauty

      August 31, 2016 at 9:02 pm

      Lol Mr Egghead, I like your sense of humor. Pls can u be my friend

    • Koko

      August 31, 2016 at 9:43 pm

      Have you ever gone through the anxiety of waiting to get tested because the condom broke or because you couldn’t control yourself and went in raw? Anxiety because the results could very well determine the rest of your life even when you tried using protection but failed? Have you ever worried about people out there spreading tales about your sexual skills? Saying things like that girl is like a stone in bed or that man can’t last more than 2 seconds? These and many more scenarios are why it’s not worth it. The fact that you see nothing wrong with 5 minutes of EMPTY pleasure says a lot because you have to ask yourself if it is really worth it. It is not even a matter of morality, it is just a matter of taking the best care of one’s self. The empty pleasure is not going to give you fulfillment so why bother?

    • Sisi

      August 31, 2016 at 10:13 pm

      Exactly. Is the above comment serious Oma? There are whole hosts of (possibly life changing) consequences for having sex whether premarital or not. Discipline is required whether premarital or not – having sex should always be an individual choice but a lot of people need to dig deeper and examine why they are having sex. For some it goes far beyond 5 mins of pleasure whether they see it as a form of desirability attaching their self esteem to it, or keeping their man…………. Whilst I agree with you that people make a big deal out of it, it’s not without reason.

    • Oma Akihiko

      August 31, 2016 at 10:35 pm

      I am sure the word empty is not synonymous with the word careless. All of the scenarios you’ve posed happen with all kinds of couples, married or not. As a couple, you could be dealing with an unfaithful husband that exposes you to all kinds of STD. Similarly, you may already have 4 children and not want another and abortion might be an option, Listen, all I’m saying is it’s never black or white. There’s no cookie cutter way to enjoying sex or dealing with sex. Sex is what you make of it.

      Empty pleasure for me, might be worth it for you. It’s all relative. Compromising to have sex to please my husband is my definition of empty sex, anytime I fake an orgasm is empty sex so like I said earlier, whatever rocks your boat.

    • Tilda

      September 1, 2016 at 2:00 am

      @ oma Akihiko love your analysis. Couldn’t have said it better myself.

    • K mama

      September 1, 2016 at 9:07 am

      After saying we should stop making a big deal out of sex, she writes an epistle.

  3. PRUDE...ISH

    August 31, 2016 at 8:21 pm

    This is a very good writeup………………we need more

  4. Yeancah

    August 31, 2016 at 8:38 pm

    This is what our generation needs to listen to. I used to have the same school of thought about how many people to test just in the name of compatibility. As far as I’m concerned Sex is overrated. It’s just part of life just like eating and drinking just that it comes with its own price tag. That being said.. it would be nice if everyone could zip up and learn more about their significant other instead of doing sexual healing upandan. Moreover the sex clouds judgement sef.. why tiff wetin you go still chop tire. But each man to his own sha. As for me no cookie till I bear your last name and don’t worry I won’t ask for money or material things.. I hope I’m making sense sef

  5. Chick

    August 31, 2016 at 9:05 pm

    Wow, look at you slip right into better than thou mode. No need to say “stay blessed” when the girl said she’s not religious. That’s condescending. Whatever you wrote has an air of arrogance to it. Well, whatever!

  6. Tosin

    August 31, 2016 at 9:17 pm

    the other day one cold wind just blew and gave me this gotta-shag feeling like touch me now now now Seyi Shay sontin. so i used my big fat imagination and … (fade to black) … anyway phew, oh Lord, a few minutes later, that was over so I could focus on whatever needed to be focused on. And at that moment I thought about all the poor people who believe it’s bad to masturbate and how terrible their suffering. Mehn, this life is so unfair.

    • Spunky

      August 31, 2016 at 10:18 pm

      Lol! You are something [email protected] at Tosin.

    • Tilda

      September 1, 2016 at 2:01 am


  7. Gorgeous

    August 31, 2016 at 10:35 pm

    Lol!!! The author says in her bio that she is a sex coach, yet is preaching abstinence. I don’t think the author can coach a concept she doesn’t understand. I am all for abstinence or virginity if you can. But understand that sex drive varies and reasons for having sex varies too. If you must have sex please get your partner tested, be committed to one partner and use condoms always. Condoms don’t prevent all STD’s o.

    • Me

      September 1, 2016 at 1:03 am

      she’s a sex coach for married people, she’s preaching abstinence to singles because according to her Christian values (and mine) you have a more fulfilling sex life in marriage.

    • Oyinlola

      September 1, 2016 at 8:07 am

      Actually, investigations have shown that your sex life doesn’t automatically get fulfilling cos you’re married. It is fulfilled cos you and your partner are willing to work at making it awesome. I am celibate but I’m also honest about telling myself that not giving up the cookie will or will not make my home last forever. So many people married as Virgins/were celibate before being married but they have unhappy marriages and some aren’t even together anymore. I think we should stop focusing too much on sex and start preaching about other things that make you and your partner better people such that when you get married, your home will be successful.

    • purplieciousbabe

      September 5, 2016 at 1:10 pm

      Well said!

  8. Anonymous

    September 1, 2016 at 6:09 am

    Why did you start by telling us that you are not a feminist? What was your point ? Oh well, enjoy your interactive session.

  9. obi

    September 1, 2016 at 12:55 pm

    I personally stay away from women who offer virginity for a marriage proposal. I mean how would it look if i as a guy offered my virginity as the only quality for mariage. That would be ridiculous . Personally I dont believe Being a virgin equate kindness, love, unselfishness, fertility, fidelity, faithfullness ,ability to be a good wife or mother or indeed a great husband. TBH it doesn’t matter if she is or not, same way I don’t expect my virginity or lack of it to allude to me been a great or bad husband material. Virginity has Notting to do with how successful Marriage will be. My take is Virginity is a state of being it highlights inexperience (which in its self is not a bad thing) however it doesn’t say much about your character.

    • purplieciousbabe

      September 5, 2016 at 1:12 pm

      @ Obi…
      Well said.

  10. obina

    September 1, 2016 at 6:56 pm

    what is the point of this? ms sex coach, do more research to support ya arguments….talking about shoes and car test has no the way how many pairs of shoes do u have? u get the sense. some pple also decide to go solo, consider too

  11. Jamce

    September 3, 2016 at 8:11 pm

    I guess some valid points have been made in the article. My take is that sex is more complex tag we try to see it (in or out of marriage). For those claiming to “sex coach” good luck to you. Let each person be persuaded about their decision to have/trade sex or abstain. But training in self discipline is important to every area of life.

  12. Jaydee

    September 4, 2016 at 12:16 pm

    Words Noted and Learnt!!!

  13. Obileye

    March 14, 2017 at 12:28 pm

    Impressive piece and highly informative.

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