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Do Better with Douglas: Why Were You Sleeping When the Police Needed You?

Do Better with Douglas

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“The police is your friend.”
This is one of the mantras of the Nigerian Police Force; it is one that the Force takes very seriously. Police officers actually greet you very warmly when they see you on the road.
They advise you to invest your money in the maintenance of public office, usually during the weekend. No amount is too small.

One particular policeman takes this mantra more seriously than most. His name is Commissioner Abayomi Shogunle.

Commissioner Shogunle is a compassionate man. He is not only concerned with fighting crime on the streets. He is also concerned about how updated we all are on latest news from around the world.

He entertains us with fun quizzes online from time to time.

Today, Oga Shogunle may be tweeting about Trump’s #MuslimBan. Tomorrow, he may be sharing news about Kim Kardashian’s return to social media.

Oga Shogunle knows that times are hard, and electricity is in short supply. So even if we don’t have light to put on the TV, we should not be in the dark over important global events, like the new photo aesthetic of the world’s most famous woman.

Oga Shogunle sometimes breaks regular programming and brings up to speed on the latest police accomplishments and achievements.

Earlier this week, he told us that while we were sleeping / cuddling, the police was fighting crime…

I have decided to write him a thank you letter on behalf of all of us.

***
Dear Oga Shogunle,
I trust this meets you in victorious spirits on account of your recent capture of the vicious criminals threatening the peace and security of our centre of excellence.

I deeply apologize that fellow Lagosians and Nigerians could not be with you at the battlefront at 4AM. After all, when we all sing the national anthem, we pledge to serve our fatherland. Even after being at our own jobs from morning till night, we still should have been there with you, shoulder to shoulder, serving and protecting. That is patriotism.

You are right, you know, most of us were sleeping and cuddling. We are all very sorry for this show of irresponsibility.

Although, I personally wasn’t asleep. Resumption time for civil servants like you and me is 12PM. So I was watching Law & Order. From time to time, I watch shows like this to gain information on how I may best help the police catch kidnappers.

Moving on, I am deeply concerned that you had to wake up at this terrible hour to do your job. It is most unfair to you and the rest of the Police Force. I would like to give you some advice sir if you don’t mind.

You must demand that it be included in your motto and employment agreement that you can only ‘Serve and Protect’ during the working hours of 9AM – 5PM. Of course the first three hours of that are discretionary.

Also, you must put out an urgent press release asking criminals, kidnappers, thieves, bombers to also adjust their operational hours to suit yours. I am sure they will comply. They are citizens like you and me after all and they are duty bound to co-operate.

In any case, congratulations are in order sir. I am very sure this feat alone will send a stern warning to other kidnappers to release their captives immediately. Even they should be in awe of such sacrifice like being up at 4AM.

The kidnappers I am sure will let go of their insignificant motivations. Unemployment and lack will always come second to the fear of police.

Sir, should you want to celebrate this arrest and achievement, please tender forgiveness and mercy and invite us, citizens to felicitate with you.
Happy Weekend in Advance Sir.

From:
Douglas,
On behalf of Sorry Lagosians Who Overslept and Forgot to Serve Their Fatherland in Catching Criminals.

Douglas is a civil servant but this was not the plan. He convinced his parents to invest their elusive pensions in a private university education. He made sacrifices too. He tucked in every day, wore ties, ate tofu, attended church four times a week, listened to sermons probably drafted on private jets. He even graduated top of his class. At the end of it all the return was supposed to be a great job, regular salaries, workplace oppression by bosses who could actually write a sentence in proper English. But now he is a civil servant. Since the universe didn't keep to its end of its bargain, he won't either. He resumes work at the Secretariat at 11AM, on excellent days. Closes 3.30PM sharp. In between watching Africa Magic And gossiping with Folake in the next office, he writes things like this.You may also find him causing trouble on Twitter at: Tweets by dobetterdouglas

7 Comments

  1. sharon

    February 3, 2017 at 4:43 pm

    LOL!! Wait a minute, who’s this Shogunle character? The Nigerian police is the biggest joke of an institution. You need more than a re-branding to be taken serious!!

  2. Obi

    February 3, 2017 at 4:47 pm

    Hahahahah man your bio is a madness. Brilliant … Must be a babcock alumni.. Yeah i saw that tweet and i laughed it off..Police man that has gotten carried away by Twitter attention and retweets..

    • Onye

      February 3, 2017 at 8:19 pm

      So funny

  3. jess

    February 3, 2017 at 5:02 pm

    The bio made my day.

  4. GANNY OGUNSHAKIN

    February 3, 2017 at 6:06 pm

    This Policeman is definitely out of his mind. Yours is not the only profession working in the middle of the night. Working till 4.00am in the morning does not make you and your colleagues more patriotic than any other Nigerian. Get this through your thick skull. This is the job you chose.. Deal with it. Police Officers are not the only ones out there working grave yard shift. Medical Doctors, Engineers, Accountants, Technicians all do. Yours is not the only exception. If you need any pity. You are not going to get any from me. A word is enough for the wise. I ‘ m just saying.

  5. Anonymous

    February 3, 2017 at 8:41 pm

    I believe He is using Same communication tactics as @officialefcc. He is adding human into the administration and relations into public communication. As one with a lot of humor. I least expected this article.

  6. Nv

    February 4, 2017 at 2:14 pm

    I’ve come to look forward to your articles, so wity and humurous!

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