Adanne Elechi: These Long Nails Are Stressing Me Out!

When I was younger, my ajebo was on another level. My nails were always done, I spent all my money on makeup, and even woke up at 3:30 AM to makeup while in NYSC camp. As I got older, I no longer had issues with not wearing makeup. My nails started getting shorter and shorter until I completely stopped doing them unless there was an event. Peace Oraifite, sorry I failed you.

Fast forward to now, my twinny is getting married, and of course, I have to look ‘peng,’ and if possible, ‘Ebuka’ her with my slay. So I booked an appointment with nailitbykosy. As soon as I saw her own nails, I told her I wanted the same length. She asked me if I could handle the length I quickly said yes, forgetting I left my ‘gbogbo bigz geh’ in 2016.

After getting my nails done, I was looking so fresh, feeling fly and making hand gestures to the most stupid things. In my mind I had arrived. The highlight of my day was when I shared a picture of my long big girl nails and the bride told me it wasn’t fair that I wanted to steal her shine on her day. I knew my Ebuka to Banky plans were on track. What I didn’t consider was how I would function before and after the wedding. After the reggae na blues, abi?

Fine long nails but I need help with the most basic things. Putting on my necklace or picking stuff from the ground is completely out of the question for me. Thank God I live with caring people.

Don’t get me wrong o, many people can do all things with nails as long as an eagle’s claws. I could when I was still tush. But now, villagers have visited and possessed me. Let me fill you in on some of the things I can’t do with my very long nails.

1. Typing
I know some of you will ask how I am able to write this. The answer is that the devil tried but I am an overcomer. I kid, I just wanted to display my ‘Nigerianness’. Picture a chicken typing, that was me. Backspace is my new bestie. I kept typing rubbish and deleting. I have to choose between my writing job and ajebo. It’s even worse holding a pen. Dear friends, I really want to chat, but sorry, ajebo over you unless you are willing to overlook my has for had errors. “Yes, I has done it before he came”

2. No Eyebrows
I am not really into makeup these days, but a girl has to look nice sometime. So after doing my nails, I decided to put on some makeup and hit the town to display more hand gestures. Unfortunately for me, my eye pencil was short, so I was holding it like a child about to doodle, and a doodle it turned out as. I know it’s Halloween, but we no dey do Halloween for this side. I quickly wiped my face. I even lied to my friend it was because the weather was too hot I didn’t wear makeup.

3. Washing
Prior to 2016, I could do everything with my long nails. I am talking about scrubbing, washing and even driving Dangote truck if I had wanted to. But the bush people food I started eating affected my ajebo mete and now I can’t do anything at all. I am also not washing because I don’t want water to ruin my beautiful nails. I need help with my underwears o! Is this the part I go to Speedy’s baba to send me a ‘paynt’ washing man? Babalawo, please epp me I will pay cash.

4. No Nigerian Soup and Swallow
I think I should thank God for this one. It’s foods like this that put me in this condition. Instead of eating like an ajebo, I will sit and be swallowing pounded yam and garri like my whole life depends on it, now look at my situation. So I don’t feel bad about this one at all. It’s like I will add any food that contains red oil to the group, Okpa e go be! Please, oversabi people, don’t recommend fork. I am free for now and I am enjoying this freedom.

5. DIY Face Masks
For this one, I laugh in turmeric. I don’t find this particular one funny because it’s affecting my slay. I miss my turmeric glow but one must give this period. I will use other masks for now but how do I manage dipping my finger in it to apply on my face? True ajebos are really trying biko.

These are some of the things I can’t do with my long nails right now. I am sure there are many other things like lighting a stove with a match or lighter. This one will never work o. Dear future husband, you have to choose between an ajebo wife and food. Hehehe. The only problem I would have had with it is if it affected my bath, I would have used vex to bite it all off. Acrylic is strong but my teeth are stronger. Nothing comes between my shower and me, ajebo gbakwa oku.

Please dear people, ignore any errors you see in this post, blame it on my long nails. It’s not that I can’t write, just that my nails weren’t made for it. Bear with my nails, my candy crush is also suffering, I can’t count how many candy bombs I have missed. Do you know how painful it is?

It’s well!

Photo Credit: Dreamstime