Since Bailey’s decided to tow the path of Cowbell by producing sachet drinks, our world has been turned upside down. Everything now comes in small and affordable packs. Thanks to Adekunle Gold, everyone can also afford to
pop tear Henessey 250 and feel like they have also bammed and can now chill with the big boys.
I have experienced many sachet things, from heart breaks to depression and right now, having moved into the United Kingdom,
I’m currently experiencing sachet racism.
Let’s first and foremost define the term sachet racism. Sachet racism can be likened to a 30 naira sachet of Cowbell milk. Is it milk? Yes, Does it make a difference in a big bowl of garri you want to soak to hold belle for 5 hours? No. But it is still milk.
A sachet racist is therefore a person who is clearly racist, but puts it in sachets so it is not big enough for you to consider it as racism but it clearly is. It is disguised as a smile with no teeth and rolled eyes when you pass. It can also be certain colleagues bypassing you to speak to your junior because… I understand kin-spirit, but I am still in charge of the number of shifts you get. I hold grudges.
I digress. The most obvious sachet racism is the cough. Like guys, this sachet is too big to be considered a sachet. Do better. At first I thought it was the cold as we were in winter, but it didn’t take long for me to understand that it was a way of cleansing for some people. Like someone who has a horrible relationship with water feels the need to clear their airways from breathing the air around this gorgeous clean woman who showers twice a day and uses Japanese cherry blossoms, shea butter and everything nice.
How dare you garlic-breath garbage truck of a person cough in my face just because my melanin pops? Two can definitely play the game of sachets. When they cough, I cough back and add “this place stinks” as loud as I can, then I turn back immediately and catch their stupid face. You weren’t expecting that honey? Hehe.
I also left all my older-person-respect in the boxes under my bed. No matter how old they are, I never greet first. The older they are, the more sachets they have to hand out. Hello for hello, cough for cough. I am currently hoping to experience racism from a student so I can unleash my student loan card. They all seem to be fairly well behaved.
I never used to look people in the eyes until I got here. Now my eyes pierce, your confidence makes them put their sachets in their bags as it gives them the impression that you can escalate whatever they do to the point where they have to be on welfare. “We have the time and resources to burn you to the f^cking ground” – Kim Kardashian (2022). I may not have the resources, but best believe that I will make you feel like I do.
May who their conscience is pricked do better.