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How To Be the Perfect First Born Child in a Nigerian Family

As a firstborn, if you are not a prayer warrior, what are you even doing with your life?

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First borns are one of the most important people we have in the world. They have superpowers and they are heroes who do not wear capes.

If you are a firstborn and your head is swelling right now, free it. Let it swell. After all, it is not easy to be a child and parent at the same time – which is the situation for many firstborns in Nigeria.

The average Nigerian family places a lot of importance on the firstborn. From their naming ceremony, where they kill cow(s) and give them plenty names, to involving them in many decision-making processes. Firstborns are premium babies and are just like the second mother/father in the house.

This has put a lot of pressure on the average firstborn to up their game and handle responsibilities like a boss.

So are you a firstborn? Very good! We’ve got tips that will help you smash your firstbornhood and be that perfect child in a Nigerian family.

Don’t be a child. Yes o, you don’t have the opportunity to be a child. How can you make mistakes? Don’t you know your younger ones are watching? What example are you laying down for them? As a firstborn, you have to learn to be perfect and grow pretty fast. Because laslas, whatever you do is what your younger ones will copy. Got it?

Don’t be dull. Dull ke? When both your parents were always coming first when they were still in school! If you are the firstborn, you should constantly think of how to set your brain on fire. It must be vomiting books and knowledge at all times. If you don’t know certain things, better look for how to know them shaparly before your father calls you out of the blues to ask who the prime minister of Israel is.

There is no time for “I don’t know”. You must know!

Study hard and become a doctor. You want to be a musician? Lailai! Don’t you know you’re the firstborn? You have to become a doctor because your parents have to be called mama/papa doctor. It is either that, or you become an engineer, a lawyer or banker. Choose one.

Better have money. If you know what is good for you, ensure your pocket is belching clean and new-smelling currency notes. And it had better not be 20 or 50 Naira. That is because in an average Nigerian home, you are the mini daddy/mummy. Even if you don’t pay school fees (don’t relax, you might still pay), you will have to send pocket money, buy wrist-watch, buy this and buy that. In fact, just know that every member of your family has a share in your salary. Gerrit?

Carry the legacy on your head. Ehen na, are you not the firstborn? You must upload the family legacy and honours. You must imprint it in your heart and wear it on your head like dreadlocs. You see all those family eulogies? You must know them all by heart. If possible, chant it everywhere you go. One more thing, avoid marrying from another tribe. No, this is not us being tribalistic. This is the voice of your parents telling you that as the firstborn, you have to carry on the family legacy and you cannot do so when you are married to another tribe.

You must be a spiri-koko. As a firstborn, if you are not a prayer warrior, what are you even doing with your life? So legend has it that many firstborns of the family are usually haunted by winches and evil spirits. Well, we don’t know about this, but as a firstborn, you must learn how to fire prayer right from the womb. Do you observe vigils? Fast, pray all the time? No? Better go start now before they get you.

Disciplinarian toh badt! From different kinds of konks to slaps, and perhaps a few blows, you have free access to beat your younger ones as you like. Abi is it a lie? As a firstborn, God forbids that you should be soft, gentle and kind. You have to frank ya face all the time and let your younger ones know that you have arrived and you don’t take rubbish. Haven’t you noticed that last borns fear their eldest siblings more than they fear their parents? That’s exactly what we’re talking about!

Have other perfect firstborn tips? Oya share with us.