3 Steps to Letting Go of the Ghost of Boyfriends PastPosted on Thursday, October 18th, 2012 at 10:57 AM
By Nina V Noelle
At the risk of sounding like a broken record, I promise not to date relationship-challenged sycophants who take pleasure in ripping you to shreds and breaking your heart into a million pieces. Men who wear gold chains and drive red cars in the Isuzu, and Honda family. Lest I forget men who are vertically challenged (who for the sake of love you over looked that oversight), men who buy cheap shoes and expect you to play “wifey”….. and basically give you the benefits of an ant.
Do I sound bitter? Maybe. This is the remix of boyfriends past. Intent on not repeating mistakes I deemed it necessary to list some of the red flags, (in my mind), that possibly led to the demise of my respective relationships.
In reality, once I went through my bout of denial, blaming gold chains and the colors of cars for what was not to be. Closure took a new definition.
We’ve been there; the end of a road-kill situation type relationship, trying to understand where it went wrong and how we can move past it. Because there comes a time that listening to Boyz II Men’s ‘End of the Road’, 45 times in a day is not enough to give you the answers you feel you need to close the chapter of a relationship gone wrong. So we go in search of answers to questions. It’s that point that ambiguity is the ugly step sister that needs to be dealt with, and dealt with proper.
There isn’t one set path or road to it. It’s something we require to give us permission to move on in life. The degree of closure needed is dependent on the context of the good relationship gone badly. Sometimes an apology is enough and in some cases it’s just the knife stuck in a wound that keeps twisting.
It’s at those points that you opt for those revenge fantasies where you’re like Oprah with your Steadman, Michael Ealy, and Idris Elba all-in-one looking husband (feel free to insert your own Mcdreamy here) and said ex is a janitor in the building you own. That kind of suffering where he has the front seat to your life story aptly named” I’m doing better without your sorry ass”.
There are myriad of theories on how to get closure with most of them requiring for your ex, or whoever hurt you to be present. Well, I am here to tell you that it isn’t a necessity because sometimes even after having the ‘closure discussion’ you might need closure on the discussion itself. So for those who don’t have the luxury or goodwill to have or contact their ex respectively, welcome to the new definition.
Closure = Lessons Learned.
You have heard the adage where it’s believed that forgiveness is more about you than the person who hurt you, well the same applies here: Closure is more for you than anyone else. You’re the one who needs the door closed and whilst sometimes you both need to shut the door at the same time, the thing is here you’re both on opposite ends.
Accepting this new definition is no walk in the park. It requires some thought, truth, and a certain degree of action on your part. Here is how:
1. Pro and Con it out. Everyone has their strengths and weaknesses. In this step you identify what you loved and didn’t love so much about your former boo. For instance, you could say for the Pro section you loved their smile, and for the Con maybe you didn’t like the way they answered phone calls during dinner. You’ll see why in a minute.
2. Check Yourself. This step requires a bit of soul searching and honesty. In this exercise you’ll be identifying possible behaviors that hurt more than they did help in your former relationship. For example, hypothetically maybe you were too needy or you gave too much of yourself and thus lost your identity in the process. Again, honesty is a necessity and denial should be addressed. The point of this is to remove you from being the victim and accepting that for the most part it does take two to tango. It is essential that you don’t use this opportunity to heap all the blame on yourself and throw a pity part for one.
3. Translation. This is the last piece of the puzzle. This is where you get to combine Step 1 and 2 and convert them into the lessons you’ve learned.
It should look like this:
|Made me Laugh||Spent more time with his friends than he did with me.|
Check Yourself: I put him before everything and lost sight of my dreams and goals.
1. I want someone with a sense of humor(PRO)
2. I want someone who is attentive and is interested in spending quality time with me(CON).
3. It is important for me to balance achieving my goals and dreams and maintain a relationship i.e. my purpose in life is much more than being in a relationship.
In essence the positives and negatives are both considered as lessons learned. Understandably, you can’t possibly list everything or reduce someone you once loved to a list. I recommend selecting what stands out to you most because therein your values are also revealed. The point of this exercise is to get you moving forward. Being able to evaluate your relationship prepares you. It allows for you to see patterns and behaviors that need to be changed before transitioning into another relationship. When all is said and done you take off the proverbial victim’s hat and suit up to take control of your life.
I came across one of my former boyfriend’s most recent pictures on Facebook and noticed his hair looked different. He got what we call a “jheri curl”. Now realizing that he would be using jheri curl juice to maintain the farce on his head, I got down on my knees and thanked God for delivering me from greasy pillow case stains and the like. The jheri curl was closure enough for me.
Photo credit: zazzle.com
Nina V. Noelle is the first girl but second child who often gets lost in books and wishes she could ride a bike. She works her day job in the hospitality industry and by night she writes . A hopeful romantic she believes in happy endings and believes in the healing power of cake.
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