Onyinye O: The Kim to Your Kanye? Hell No, baby!

kim-kardashian-vogueA couple of weeks ago, I was watching the famous Nigerian sitcom – Clinic Matters (PS, if you’ve never watched it before, I wonder how else you know Lilian Esoro Lilian Ubi Franklin). Anyway, back to Clinic Matters! So in that episode, a female patient was asking the nurses if they could give her something that would make her fat and the nurses wondered why. Eventually, this patient opened up: my boyfriend has been cheating on me. I’ve caught him with 5 different girls and all of them were fat. I don’t want to lose my man so I think it’s only right for me to get fat. He obviously likes that.

Still in that episode, the sister to one of the nurses (while waiting for her sister to finish attending to a patient) began to run her mouth as to how she would be rebranding soon. She’ll add more piercings to her ears, pierce her nose, cut her hair, get a tattoo on her back and purchase ankle chains. When the girl was done talking, Nurse Abigail (Lilian Esoro’s character) who’s very sarcastic asked her if she had intentions to become a rock artiste. The babe replied (shining her 32) that her boyfriend thinks she’ll look much better that way. Imagine!

A colleague of mine would usually say, “these are the issues” – and I couldn’t agree more. You know, it surprises me how you meet someone a certain way, ‘fall’ for them that way. Then you get into a relationship with them that same way, and all of a sudden you try to change the person and make them who they are not, to suit “what you like”. I’m speaking of the obvious- the person’s weight, physical appearance, dress code, “personality”, e.t.c.

It’s okay to want your partner to look or be a certain way especially when YOU feel it enhances the person in one way or another but the question is, to what end? Perfection?

You know, we humans have this thing we do; we shape to taste. So we buy clothes that aren’t our size and “shapen” it to fit. However, it seems to me that we sometimes, apply that same logic to human beings and usually, it really is one of two things: “I like you, but you do not meet my exact requirements so I’ll change you to be that person in my head” OR “I love you too much and I’m just trying to make you better”.

Apparently, the latter scares me even more, because sometimes, you really cannot see the danger you are causing to this person. You might think it’s a means of expression of love. Again, it’s like shaping an already made dress to taste- the fabric sometimes gets destroyed in the process, the style of the dress just might change, the dress might become too tight (and maybe even become unflattering in certain places) or the dress might just lose its originality in the process- the originality that defines the essence of the dress!

So, for example, before you got into the relationship, she was (and well, has always been) the kind of girl that’s not in the business of showing off body parts when she dresses. Yes, probably bits and pieces, but not ultimately borderline ‘skimpy’. Now, you saw that, got in the relationship, and before long you somehow start making side comments about her showing more skin, and from random comments it turns to an obligation, which leads to an issue.

Sometimes, you  hear comments like “I’m your man, if you aren’t listening to me and looking good for me, who else are you now doing it for?” The issue is: of course one might be able to make adjustments but aren’t there limits?

So bae is a ‘shortie’ and before you both kickstarted the relationship, you never really complained. Bearing in mind she’s gone past the height growing phase of her life, you start buying 6 inches heels (not even 2 inches for a start) for her, and start imposing it on her. You want her to climb to the top of the world- and she’s one who loves her flat shoes all the way. Why?

One time, a friend of mine came complaining about how his girlfriend came up with a dress code for him, one of which included: stop wearing casuals. She loves it when guys look dapper in suits so she’ll love him to adopt that style. She also mentioned she didn’t like the fact he didn’t have a “corporate” job and advised he looked for one instead of pursuing (in her words) “this photography thing”. She said she really wanted these changes so she could show him off more. Really?

Ask me and I’ll say that’s just wrong. At the end of the day, it really is about acceptance and toleration isn’t it? And please don’t get me wrong. I’m all for adjusting where necessary but not totally changing. I would say that if you needed to change at all, you should be convinced about it. If that relationship ended, would you be proud of those changes made or would you revert back to your “default setting”?

If he knew you to be the “I don’t joke with food- I don’t wanna have ulcer” kinda girl and all of a sudden, he’s making statements about you eating too much and how uncool he thinks it is. He even takes it a step further and begins to pass comments about your weight (when you haven’t really changed since you both started dating) and the pressure is on for you to “trim down” quickly. (Na magic? Na so pesin just dey change?) If you both went your separate ways, would you keep “trimming down”? Would you feel confident in your own skin even if you don’t continue with the trend?

You know, Janelle Monae isn’t Kim Kardashian and Kim Kardashian isn’t Janelle Monae. Their selling points are totally different. In as much as you might admire Kim Kardashian, how she speaks, dresses, walks and even reacts, she is who she is: Kim Kardashian. Try to make Janelle Monae be Kim and she just might become so insignificant because she’ll get drowned in trying to be someone else. She is and can only be the best Janelle Monae cause that is who she really is! She might pick bits and pieces from Kim that really enhance her as a person but truth be told, they are 2 different people. For what it’s worth, Kim just might be an admirer of Janelle Monae but she’s thinking “I can’t pull it off the way she does”.

Anyway, this was just me thinking out loud and I might be wrong so I’ll end by asking, do you think it is right to “shape” your partner to taste or would you allow yourself to be “shaped” to your partner’s taste? Where should we draw the line?

Please share your thoughts and while at it, please pen down your experiences too.


Photo Credit: Vogue

54 Comments on Onyinye O: The Kim to Your Kanye? Hell No, baby!
  • Christian Sister January 22, 2016 at 7:56 pm

    See ehn this panel beating your partner thing is really a thing, I’m a living testimony
    I used to date this guy, he was intelligent, a hottie, well spoken, hustler, and pretty much a great guy. We started off as really close friends, then years later started dating. Down the line, things like see that girls hair, I’ll like it on you. Lol ok since my man wants it then why not. Then it turned to clothes, then lipstick, and the list goes on and on. We fought countless times over his refusal to see tht he was literally turning me to look a certain way like certain girls. I lost me. Time after time I gave in cause I was in love. The final straw was when he started throwing tantrums about how I was still holding back and not exploring enough with my looks. Oga sir, pls why did you start dating me when you clearly knew I was this way? Bs much. Needless to say, that relationship is dead and gone.

    • Damilola January 24, 2016 at 4:22 pm

      @christian sister

      There’s a difference between your partner requesting, wanting for you to look like a particular person to wanting you to look your best. Nobody is perfect, there’s always room for improvement.

  • Anna January 22, 2016 at 8:32 pm

    If my boyfriend wants me looking a particular way, best believe I’d look that way. If I’m not looking good for him, who will I be looking good for?

    • Nahum January 23, 2016 at 3:19 am

      Why don’t you get some self respect and tell him to go after those girls he wants you to look like? Oh no! You can’t do that cause you are too desperate to be in a relationship. Can you now see the fault lies with you?

      • Corolla January 23, 2016 at 10:56 am

        Lol @ Nahum. Correct response o jare.

    • Iris January 23, 2016 at 4:42 am

      Abeg, siddon.

    • mbeke January 23, 2016 at 6:57 am

      there should be a limit to it.. if it becomes an obsession or frequent then bed believe he wants you to be someone else and if thats the case then thats not genuine love.. cause when someone love you they deny try to change you…. my 2kobo!!

    • ATL’s finest January 23, 2016 at 10:25 pm

      @ Anna U said bf & not even hubby smh.. Low self esteem starts to kick in. Chai them no born that much well wey want make I look like Beyonce when I’m clearly not mtchew.. Before u know it, folks start to be depressed, jealous, upset & loose their mind, body & soul in ALL. Isn’t he meant to accept U they way U are???? Why come trying to make me look like Michelle Obama? Didn’t u see that person u want me to b like before u started dating me??? Well I’m thankful I’ve only encountered such behavior & that dude was taken care of real FAST & Get the F**off outta my life.. My boo knows I HATE artifical hair (human hair or not). If it ain’t my natural hair then forget it; and he respects that about me. But if I choose to wear a Lil’ bit of extension, he’s fine by it.

      Abeg this is 2016 & we should be smarter that this mess esp women! DON’T change for ANYONE & stay true to yourself.

    • Lisa January 23, 2016 at 10:27 pm


  • the other Ebere January 22, 2016 at 9:03 pm

    I get your point. However, there is nothing wrong in wanting our partners to be better. When I met my husband I knew I loved his person but not exactly the way he looked. He had no sense of style. Within three months of our being together people started telling him he was different, different kind of clothes and shoes even hair cut. I’d tell him to ask them if it was different good or different bad, they all said different good. Turns out he just needed a little guidance. I don’t know what it is though but but within months of a guy being with me he totally transforms. I remember in my university days I was going to be tutored by a certain male course mate that was in love with me but I totally didn’t send, I was just hanging around him cause he was one of the brightest. So… that Sunday he came to my hostel so we would walk to the library together,I took one look at him and told him I couldn’t walk to the library with him. I made him walk back home to put on better clothes. The funny thing that happened was that when we got to his BQ his neighbours started asking him why he came back and with a hot chick (yes I was hot) he happily told them he came back to change his clothes because I asked him to. On the other hand, I don’t believe in people loosing themselves in a relationship. Whenever I met a new man I would always say, if you know you will never be comfortable with a fat woman then am not the woman for you, true that I do all I can to keep trim but best believe there are times that I get bigger. These days sometimes when I fuss about working out or loosing weight my husband just looks at me with a smirk and says achorokwam Agbani biko. ( I don’t want agbani pls). I want something to hold.

  • Asher January 22, 2016 at 9:20 pm

    Just here to read the inyererininteresting comments.

    *Takes position under a very comfortable iroko tree*??

  • Mg January 22, 2016 at 10:42 pm

    Haha reminds me of one of my Exes. He always wanted me to fit into his ideal girl. He wanted me to wear more makeup, go on expensive hairdos, leave my private uni to party with him, etc; at a point he was always lamenting and asking when my butt was gonna grow fat, was even saying it’s because I wasn’t getting enough sex from him. Then, naïve me started googling “how to grow a bigger butt”. Glad I’m free from the assh*le now. I really can’t stand selfish people that try to alter you to their own specifications, unnecessarily.

  • Nancy January 23, 2016 at 12:19 am

    exactly. Thats my ex right there. couldnt deal.

  • Nancy January 23, 2016 at 12:19 am

    exactly. thats my ex right there. cant deal.

  • Bim January 23, 2016 at 12:34 am

    I think most times its the ““I love you too much and I’m just trying to make you better” effect that starts the whole process, I have learnt though that there is a thin line between trying to make someone better and attempting to recreate them totally. Tried it once and it was a catastrophe!!! I didn’t see the wrong until i’d lost the person and i was on the defensive for a long time until i realized my constant nitpicking was like an attack on his whole personality. Also, claiming to love someone means you have come to terms with the fact that even if there were things you did not like so much about them as at when you meet them, those things might never change and you still have to accept them and tolerate nonetheless. You can suggest a change to your partner but i don’t think you should enforce it.

  • Asa January 23, 2016 at 2:01 am

    I need help! I don’t know what’s wrong with me but I think I’m losing my husband and almost ruining my marriage of less than 1 year, since we got married we haven’t stayed two weeks without quarreling. My husband has a big heart and is a genuinely good man but I think all the trouble I have given him is beginning to change him. Our fights have been nothing short of unecessary. We argue over the most irrelevant things such as money, time and normal human errors. When we do, We involve ourselves in the nastiest war of words, there is no hurtful word in this world that we have not called each other up to the extent that I hit him serverally (I get physical). In the past when I over reacted, he has always forgiven me and shown me unconditional love but this recent time after we quarreled again , I think he has drawn away from me a bit, he now avoids me( guess he’s avoiding trouble). I know he still loves me and wants the marriage to work but something in me keeps brewing animosity towards him, I keep remembering the hurtful words and his actions while we fought and have not been able to move on from it. I love my marriage and don’t want it to crash either but how can I get over the hurt of certain things that have happened. My intuition tells me this issue is spiritual and someone is trying to ruin my marriage. Probably a jealous person/ex or an evil spirit. BellaNaijarians I need your advice on what to do. I know some of u are married experienced and mature individuals who may have gone through same or seen similar issue, pls advice. Thanks

    • feyi January 23, 2016 at 9:31 pm

      I just believe this has nothing to do with spiritual matters or someone trying to destro ur marriage…….dear its evident cos according to you, you said he tries to avoid ur trouble. If you geniuely love your man and still want your marriage plsssssssssss forget whatever u both might have said to each other in anger and apologise to your man so that peace may abound in ur marriage. Help yourself so that God may guide your marriage. All the best.

    • cd January 24, 2016 at 3:22 am

      why the F**k did you get married, clearly you weren’t ready……

  • Nahum January 23, 2016 at 3:24 am

    This mentality of trying to mound people to our taste needs to stop. If you have in you mind, you ideal guy, please leave the guys that don’t fit into the category alone. There are other women that will love him just the way he is. I really hate this nonsense. My hubby tried to change me into the miniskirt wearing, Brazilian hair, 8 inch heels type of girl and I told him flat out, “if that is what you want, leave me be and go after them”. Let’s just say, he made his choice and we are 3 kids in. Learn to accept yourself for who you are and you will be able to defend yourself from attack.

  • http://www.damytechs.blogspot.com January 23, 2016 at 8:05 am

    omo see comments oo….lolxx check ma blog damytechs.blogspot.com

  • Puzzles January 23, 2016 at 8:17 am

    Once upon a time about 8 months into our relationship, my ex started picking on me as regards my dressing and grooming (admittedly Fashion Police would have given me worst dresser) and would compare me to close friends of mine. This was someone who never had an issue with it before. I became really miserable and afterwards my self-esteem took a hit as it eventually turned out that he wanted out of the relationship and to start a relationship with one of those close friends of mine.

    So when your significant other starts making snide remarks about you changing your dressing, career or other things, it might just be code for i want out of the relationship or i’m cheating on you.

  • Jenny January 23, 2016 at 8:37 am

    Na wa. The shaping part just make me laugh. But it is the real truth. I have done it before to my ex boyfriend. I liked him but didn’t like his style. we still broke up sha. My own is, i can do it to somebody but make nobody come try that one woth me.
    Abeg, where are the other comments?

  • Mimi May January 23, 2016 at 9:38 am

    I don’t see anything wrong with moulding one’s partner provided you guys are married. In my case, while dating my hubby then, I refused to pierce my ears as he wanted till I was sure we would get married. Two days after our Traditional Marriage, I yielded to his demands. He pierced my ears – additional two holes each on my ear lobe, making it three holes each. When pple ask even my mum or mum in law, I tell them my hubby practically did it, they’ ll open and close mouth. Therefore, I see nothing wrong in transforming yourself to suit your hubby or wife.

    • Tolu January 23, 2016 at 12:54 pm

      I’m sorry but your husband is strange so it was ear piercing that was doing him

  • FasholasLover January 23, 2016 at 11:05 am

    Shape to taste! Persin na pounded yam?

    To be honest, l see the benefit of tweaking a few things for the better. But, by the time you are demanding to create a completely different person out of your friend or spouse, that is the beginning of abuse. To those who will do “anything” to hold on to that partner, surely that must be some serious self esteem issues there????

  • Corolla January 23, 2016 at 11:07 am

    There is nothing absolutely wrong with changing some things about you to make your significant other happy. If you are fine with the changes, go for it. If you are strongly against it, then do what makes YOU happy.

    We all have that gut instinct and we know when these demands are unhealthy and boderline obsession. When your self esteem begins to crumble, and your partner is talking down on you, then it maybe time to bounce.

  • Bijouxthisbijouxthat January 23, 2016 at 11:33 am

    I have a lot to say on this eh but for some strange reason I’m feeling extremely lazy to type the long essay that’s in my head ?.
    Would do it on Monday when I’m all pumped up and ready to kick some butt!
    Point is I hate it when men want to mold you in a certain way but just as the other Ebere said up there…. I have done it to my boyfriend too.. His sense of dressing is wack but I love him so I helped him here and there…
    OK I would be back on Monday. Lovely weekend to you alll?

    • Whocares January 23, 2016 at 8:55 pm

      @bijoux. This is my life right now. If bn had a vn I would send a vn. In fact typing this out tiring, so much so that I

  • Winnie January 23, 2016 at 11:55 am

    As long as it doesnt make you happy nd comfortable, dnt evn make an attempt on changing for anyone but urself

  • @edDREAMZ January 23, 2016 at 1:43 pm

    Single and frustrated ladies with no man to call their own will be giving useless advice as usual no doubt……

  • Uberhaute looks January 23, 2016 at 2:35 pm

    To look good is a serious biz…but not to the extent of obsession. If my hubby wants me to look like a barbie doll, why not, so far he can fund it!…
    After all said and done, love Conquer all things.


  • Luvnaija January 23, 2016 at 3:47 pm

    @Mimi your hubby na gangster lol

  • Golden January 23, 2016 at 3:51 pm

    I love. This article, an very enjoyable read. With that being said, I would like.to say, Thank You.

  • Danca January 23, 2016 at 5:17 pm

    This writer just hit d nail on d head. Dis tin happens tooooo much. It has happened to me in all my 5 relationships. Even d present one, i’m scared it would happen again. It just feels like nobody likes me d way i am, i’m not perfect and nobody else is. ????

  • frank January 23, 2016 at 5:18 pm

    Who else came here just to read the comments.

  • funmilola January 23, 2016 at 8:41 pm

    There is a negative effect comparison has on people,it weakens your morale badly.

  • dara January 23, 2016 at 9:38 pm

    so I am currently a victim, I am dark and beautiful. 6 months ago my fiancé started complaining about how he loves his girls fair. after 7 years o. So he made me take the unnamed cream in his house. Ignoraantly, i used it for a week before I realize it was a toning cream. I am now fair and I hate myself as everyone is complaining. so bitter with him,

    • Tosin January 24, 2016 at 1:25 am

      and he’s still your fiance? are you kidding me right now? PLEASE, do the needful.

  • anon January 23, 2016 at 11:38 pm

    eyaaa sori

  • chi-e-z January 24, 2016 at 12:33 am

    Hmm if you know what I’ll do for the guy I really want ehn chai huhnestly this thing called love strong pass voodoo anyways he no gree for me so I’ll stick with being my usual bum-my self. I think change is something constant so just please if you change appearance or wateva change 4 the better. No go 4rm Janell Monae to Kim Kardashian reverse am shikena..

  • Hepmu January 24, 2016 at 12:34 am

    I have a question. My bf likes strippers. Before we started dating, he had the habit of visiting strip clubs. Didn’t think it was a cause for concern or was an addiction when one day, while he was driving from a restaurant and was on the phone with me ourconversation went like so; me: when people call me by my middle name, I forget that it is my name and not answer. I don’t look like my middle name. It’s such a white name. Him: but you are shaped like a white girl. Me: well my face and complexion certainly doesn’t look white. Him: I lost my way. Let me call you back . I didn’t hear from him that night. I was a bit bothered by that. The next day he calls me to apologize and he confesses that he went to a strip club. I was heartbroken because I felt I wasn’t good enough and he may have a strip club addiction and as far as I am concerned that qualifies as cheating. God knows what he does there with those women.. He apologized and said he was a bit drunk and he realizes that the strip club has become a habit and will become accountable. I also recently noticed that he follows a bunch of scantily clad big booty, big boobie women on Instagram. Half of his following are these type of women. I don’t think I feel comfortable or secure in this relationship anymore. I am a slim girl, and don’t have these humongous proportions like the strippersand Instagram models he ogles. And I feel it’ll be only a matter of time before he starts resenting me or belittling me for not having these features. I may never satisfy him. Am I overreacting?

    • Koffie January 26, 2016 at 8:58 pm

      No one replied you and I hope you’ll eventually see this. BN, can you do a notification thingy for when we get replies?
      I can’t tell you who to be with but from what you described, you’re dating someone who fantasizes about voluptuous girls and is probably dating you cos you fit his ‘good girl’ image of a wife. You’re not overreacting and I personally would rather be with someone who’s attracted to my type (I’m skinny too) not ogling curves that aren’t mine. Lol, your boyfriend probably sees those women as objects of his fantasy and that alone is worth being worried about. Perhaps you could have a talk with him and try to deduce whether you’re his ‘spec’ or not. No girl would enjoy feeling like their man doesn’t find them attractive. If you believe he’s not attracted to you, you wouldn’t need to ask for what to do.

      I’ve had a past relationship where the guy wanted me to put on weight and bought a scale, would ensure I’m reminded to eat when I overwork and forget food, would drop by my work to drop a food flask ??. He wasn’t rude about it or nagging about you need to put on weight, and I already wanted to get on a weight-gain program too. His goal was however to get my BMI to a healthy number and not to change me to a ‘vixen’. And the fond reminders continued after we called it quits but remained friendly. This guy wasn’t even a Christian. I was going to date a Christian brother a long time ago and got put off with his constant bickering on how I needed to clear my face (I had a hormonal reaction at the time), put on lower body curves (like I could pick it off the shelf and I’m just too stingy to spend the money). I refused to allow him affect my self esteem and cut him off. The person I had chosen over him at the time met me with those pimples and never made a big deal out of it. This one rather prioritized my health and asked that we see a doctor for the hormonal stuff as I was hemorrhaging at the time. Once I got treated for the hormonal imbalance, the face cleared up. In all my story, you can see a difference in an attitude of caring and in one of selfishness.

      • hepmu January 29, 2016 at 3:28 pm

        HI Koffie,
        I actually kept checking to see who replied, and what you said about dating me for looking like a good girl is so true. He has made statements that insinuated such. He once said I am “presentable” and how I can be taking anywhere. Maybe he objectifies these women so much he cant even love them or he is scared that other guys will look at his voluptuous girlfriend in the objectifying way he looks at these women… or maybe he is scared that society will judge him…or he is scared that these women have a tendency to get fat in the future. I dont know I just feel like I am a safe option. and he is the type of guy that will marry me and keep a voluptuous chick as his side woman. Our sex life was great and we had amazing chemistry. we are no longer together. So I hope he goes and finds a woman who fits his spec and he embraces his preferences.

  • adeola January 24, 2016 at 2:55 am

    You guys should be happy cos my own is opposite, my husband don’t want me to makeup or do Brazilian hair,He wants me to cover everything. He will say that the Brazilian hair do I know that it corpse hair all sort of locality and I can’t deal with in short am tired of it

  • Toporskyi January 24, 2016 at 6:09 am

    See, this ia a fragile issue and can be quickly misinterpreted. I can see most of this comments are from ladies; i wont b surprised if your man has about 3sidechicks or even if most if u aren’t married yet.
    You fall in love with personality, and many minor things (material things) that aren’t too off can be ‘addressed’ so far it is not attached to ‘who you are’. It goes but ways and it is even more with the ladies: “wear this shirt dont wear that” #thingswedoforlovethingswedoforlove
    It usually is best to sit back and find out why he/she wants these changes. Remember fashion changes and taste changes also, so far it is comfortable for you.

  • Sweatsie January 24, 2016 at 6:54 am

    You better cut off this yeye relationship. Seven years is nothing compared to lifetime marriage. You’re not married to him just yet so this is the time to reassess thoroughly. As in throughlyyy. Good luck. By the way, black is beautiful. Get that into his thick skull! Mtscheww.

  • Dede January 24, 2016 at 2:45 pm

    Sighs. Toporskyi, you are right. It is sensitive. Change is constant so the question is why? If my girlfriend asked me to change who i talk to or my eating habits i’ll have to know why and see the reason to do that. I must be convinced because if i am not, i might start pretending when she’s there just to make her happy and when she is not around, i would go back to being myself. For me, pretence is lying aand i wont want to build my relationship and marriage on that.

  • Lis January 24, 2016 at 8:54 pm

    The only person yu can really know is yourself…. I think in this age and time, before we get to dat first I love you outburst… we shud take our time out and study the man… its not that yu are suspecting or any tin. .. just allow yourself that blessed feeling of knowing yu checked hi and when he begins to manifest bit by bit, den know dat he aimed to deceive yu…he actually planned it out…

    checking him out means.. go to his Facebook time line. .. see his posts since the day he joined… yes…. what kind of tins he shared… look at the comments of his friends on his statuses… yep yep… and someone said… the people he follows on instagram… the kind of jokes he laffs heartily to.. the way he spends money.. how he reacts in the bus wen d conductor is stalling for change.. how he treats dat annoying relative even when that person is really annoying… how he sucks up to dat ‘fine’ sister in church…. how he sleeps during sermon and can’t wait for it to be over…how he infuses God’s word into life issues and speech….

    These are just a few pointers…. Let’s watch out… God help us ladies…. its stories like deserve that further fuels the talks that Godly men are becoming more extinct…. I believe as we diligently groom ourselves to be hu God want us to be… the proverbs 31 kind of ladies, God will help us convict thsee guys.

    • Right January 25, 2016 at 3:27 am

      You are right, my only addition is that it goes both ways, may God help men and women to choice right.

  • ferrari January 25, 2016 at 9:19 am

    I dated this guy for 5 years, i saw his potential and knew just how great he could be and every time i tried to give him ideas on how to improve himself he said i was trying to fix him and i should just love him how he was, when he started getting resentful of my progress in life, the relationship ended even though we were really in love and we remained great friends. fast forward 1 year after, he will come back and to say i did this today and then remembered how you used to say i should or i did that or i now understand what you meant by this. This made me happy not in an “i told you so” way but to see that at his own time he saw what i saw in him and he is excelling now. And that he remembered that i had something to do with that and he came to say thank you for being patient with me.

  • ferrari January 25, 2016 at 9:33 am

    …there are ways to help people look different or better without necessarily pushing them to change. I make it a point to dress up and look really nice on monday to friday when i go to work and the weekends i like to stay comfortable and make up free. My boyfriend asked me a few times to “make an effort” when we need to go around during a saturday or sunday to run errands and i will not yield. So he started dressing up really nice when we had to go out and of course i will not want to look like a maid next to him so i will be forced to dress up too. That did it without him pushing.

  • Anita January 25, 2016 at 1:58 pm

    ….I love jewellries, using nail polish, makeup, but i am dating some1 who is a seventhday adventist who according to doctrine goes against these things, wen i do dis things and he finds out he goes really mad @ me, even wen i try to tell him it’s a gradual process he doesnt want to understand. I even attend his church now….am in love with him! and he knows dat….sometimes i ask mysef if i can continue wit dis cos i love jewellries alot.

  • Spicey January 26, 2016 at 3:51 pm

    @Anita, you are in hell not in love o! If you are in love; then be ready to sacrifice the things you love doing that he doesn’t like. You cant be here and also be there.

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