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Mnena: How To Execute the Tips in the IK-Guide-to-Snagging-A-Man

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Last week, IK Osakioduwa of Rhythm 93.7FM tweeted ten tips on how to get a man for single ladies out there. IK reiterated that not all guys would agree with his tips but most guys would. That’s a whole lot of guys. I am 30 and still single and so I have decided to live my life following Iks rules. He knows what he’s talking about as he is happily married to a lovely wife and has two children. I will take the following steps:

  1.  Learn to do Solo Trips: I will now go clubbing on my own after avoiding my friends calls. On entering the club I will slowly walk around to show how unencumbered I am by girl pals. I will also make sure I stand at least five feet away from the nearest girl so that she can’t be mistaken for my friend.
  2. Make friends with married women: I will start going to Wives of (insert military organisation) meetings. When asked what I am doing there I will say I am only following the IK system and wish to learn their secrets of getting a man. My mentioning IK’s name will open their hearts and they will take me under their wings.
  3. Be careful not to be TOO INDEPENDENT.Learn to gain from your man’s presence in your life. Guys need to be needed: Be careful ladies, there is a fine line between not being too independent and gold digger. I will learn to straddle that line. Buying your own light bulbs good, buying your own shawarma when out bad. Make him feel needed, allow him carry that shawarma bag.
  4. Drop guys that take up all your time without really chasing you, No Intimacy without Commitment:  I will start grilling guys as to their intentions before we start anything. No more time wasters. My blessings will not be blocked.
  5. Make an effort. Try to look nice, Work out, Get that Don King hair done, and stop forming “Oh Naturale”(sic): Looking nice seems to mean not having natural hair out. No need to cut it, just hide it under a weave. For someone that hates exercise I plan on working out until I get that guy. You should too. Ignore the fact that it’s healthy for you also, that’s not what we are here for. When married, let those kinky curls and belly loose.
  6. Don’t give it all up. Leave some for marriage. Perfect the art of giving previews:  Instead of giving head, I will now just lick the head. Oh that’s not what he meant? Sorry my bad. Just allow him touch breast through the cloth but not touch the actual boob. Still not correct? Just allow him put the tip in but no further? No? I give up!
  7. Learn to cook, Do yourself a favour and learn how to cook: Well the importance of cooking was brought home to me after the Naija twitter debate over pounded yam. When I get a man I will continuously provide meals unless the spell will be broken and he will stray. I will learn how to make all his favourite dishes and pray he doesn’t develop taste for a brand new dish. All may be lost then.
  8. Have standards or you will find yourself in and out of relationships too often and that will earn you a bad name: It is always good to have standards. Although if I was hopping in and out of relationships, committed ones, I’d have to conclude that the problem was with me and having a bad name would be the least of my problems. But far be it from me to question the system. Hoppers raise those standards, but not too high unless you’ll be accused of having too high standards and men don’t like that. That’s a free tip from me
  9. Never be rude to a man or abusive to him in front of his friends even in jest: In the first place you shouldn’t be rude or abusive to a man or anyone. But if you are susceptible to this behaviour wait until his friends leave. It should be okay then. Marriage is still guaranteed. I like that the IK system encompasses all types of personality.
  10. Don’t pressure him to marry you with questions like “Where’s this leading?” instead leave him if he’s taking too long: Now this last tip assumes I have followed tips 1-9 and I have a man now. Yayy!! We’ve been dating for a bit so much so I am thinking marriage. All I have to do now is shut up and keep quiet and it will flow. And if it doesn’t flow I leave him because he is standing in the way of being married which references back to tip 4. I love this system.

So with the system under my belt please check this space in a year’s time when I’ll either be married or killed because I went out without friends. Either way, I must get a man as this is what defines me and surely completes me!

_____________________________________________________________________________________________
Mnena is a pretend writer with a smart mouth. She lives in Abuja, runs her own clothing business and works hard at keeping up with the cool kids… or at least she thinks she does. You can check out some of her work on Y!Naija Magazine and follow her on Twitter @mnena

Mnena hates quirky things and can't come up with a bio. In any case, here are the basics. Writer. Lover of Small Chops. Fan of Hadley Freeman. Visit her website: Mnena.com  and follow her on Twitter @mnena

51 Comments

  1. F to the B

    September 17, 2012 at 12:09 pm

    buhhahhhahhha!!! love this

    • Claire

      September 17, 2012 at 1:37 pm

      BN pls your readers deserve a more seriously focused write-ups pls! Some write ups by people are just a riddicule on the reader’s brains. like we are here to waste our time such as this one. I’m sorry but this sounds off as a childish write-up

    • KB

      September 17, 2012 at 2:32 pm

      lol gbagaun!!! Abeg if you can’t see the humour in it perhaps you are not as brainy as you think

    • Lia

      September 17, 2012 at 2:41 pm

      mehn some people have no sense of humour abeg write your own “sensible” article make we see. Mnena you just made my day this is too funny can’t stop laughing

    • Wahl

      September 17, 2012 at 5:41 pm

      Claire: You’re not as intelligent as you think, if you can’t spell ‘ridicule’ correctly. For someone as serious as you are, you might need to proofread your comments a bit more, to avoid a public RIDICULE of your self portrayed immaculate intelligence quotient.

      *a more seriously focused write-up* * more seriously focused write-ups*

    • pretty

      September 18, 2012 at 11:49 am

      Why are you taking life so hard,abeg comot for here jor.

  2. Chattyzee

    September 17, 2012 at 12:14 pm

    I started out reading the article thinking that it was going to be a serious one, but the more I got into it, the more I kept saying “you’ve got to be kidding me!”….. but yeah, I figured it was all a joke after all…. I’ve got something for the men on here,
    Click here for http://dprodigalchild.wordpress.com/2012/09/13/act-like-a-man-think-like-a-lady-10tipstofindingawoman/

  3. jay

    September 17, 2012 at 12:15 pm

    Fabulous come back….an so funny! And this is coming from a dude!!

  4. ohwlahdoonie

    September 17, 2012 at 12:21 pm

    lol!!!! lwkmd!!! IK haf gbe! *in razz yoruba voice*
    dis is smthn 2 laugh abt… rotfl

  5. rew

    September 17, 2012 at 12:24 pm

    lmaoooooooooooooooooooooooooo

  6. Anonymousone

    September 17, 2012 at 12:26 pm

    LMAO!!! Mnena u cracked me up! However, i am a strong believer in ‘No rules’ . Your life is your story so you reserve the rights to live life as you please and not based on someone’s ‘perspective’.
    Nice nice

  7. cindy

    September 17, 2012 at 12:29 pm

    hahahahahahaha

  8. DR

    September 17, 2012 at 12:31 pm

    I thought the same for Number10 but then again if you have been with a guy for a while you should know if its gonna lead to marriage or not. Nevertheless, you shouldn’t be too comfortable, always leave your options opened.

  9. 'Alex'andyRaH!

    September 17, 2012 at 12:34 pm

    HAHAHAHAAAHA sarcasim#

  10. folake

    September 17, 2012 at 12:37 pm

    Lol…..too funny

  11. eesha

    September 17, 2012 at 12:37 pm

    OMG! Laughing so hard right now in my office, folks must think i’ve gone locco. Make sure u baby sit for the married women too, all join. lol.

  12. Radiant

    September 17, 2012 at 1:00 pm

    Nice one. Lol @ So with the system under my belt please check this space in a year’s time when I’ll either be married or killed because I went out without friends.

  13. Mee

    September 17, 2012 at 1:05 pm

    LMAO!!!!!!
    Hilarious!!!!!!!!!
    Laughed SO hard my cheeeks and tummy hurt!

  14. will

    September 17, 2012 at 1:06 pm

    Mo ro go oo *yoruba* now isnt that funny…

  15. Trendysturvs

    September 17, 2012 at 1:07 pm

  16. purplepearl

    September 17, 2012 at 1:12 pm

    LMAO

  17. ushees

    September 17, 2012 at 1:13 pm

    lmao!!! at tip 6….

  18. Kemi

    September 17, 2012 at 1:18 pm

  19. cathy

    September 17, 2012 at 1:18 pm

    taking notes lol

  20. pynk

    September 17, 2012 at 1:33 pm

    lmao! i told my bf i would stab him, the day he told me i should be a housewife if he wanted me to be one. Men should go and get some ambition and step up their game. Women keep ur heads up and keep that flag flying. Make no apologies for having ambition and genuinely being the woman you believe you were meant to be. I dont think folks intentionally build bad character or display it.So men need to go and get ambition so women can aspire to respect them. simple.

  21. Mz Socially Awkward...

    September 17, 2012 at 1:34 pm

    BWAHAHAHAAAAA!!! Girl, stop. I’m snorting with laughter and getting side-eyed by folk at work … “let those curls and that belly loose”. Hopefully, IK’s got a sense of humor too …

  22. AA

    September 17, 2012 at 1:44 pm

    Thank God we have a smart reply to IK. Ladies, please don’t change who you are to snag a man. Marriage is not by force o. Just be yourself and be happy. Love and respect yourself and be independent o!! The right guy will come along

  23. olah

    September 17, 2012 at 1:50 pm

    if your 18 you can try the “lets see how it goes” method but honey when you are 30!! You better know where the damn train is going before you get on it!! The truth is when a guy is ready he is ready! He wouldn’t waste your time. So of course i need to know from when we start dating where we are heading and how we hope to get there. If that is too much to ask then the guy is highly irresponsible. That is why there is such a high rate of divorce people fail to plan, that you are in love doesn’t mean you should not plan ahead. Love is no excuse to be irresponsible, Love in fact demands the highest level of responsibility. Love means you take responsibility for another human being. Love ain’t for “babies”

  24. olah

    September 17, 2012 at 1:52 pm

    *if you are

  25. Pendo

    September 17, 2012 at 2:05 pm

    hahahahahaha i am loving this too funny lol the web is awash with comebacks lol

  26. EyeBeeKay

    September 17, 2012 at 2:31 pm

    Now this is the most hilarious write-up i’v seen in a long while, when i read the article, my response was ‘yeah right rolling my eyes’…..FANTASTIC come back…. go gurl…

  27. Madam the Madam

    September 17, 2012 at 2:33 pm

    LMAOOO. This is genius! Loove it, Mnena. Great work. Digging the sarcastic comeback 😀

  28. Chysom

    September 17, 2012 at 2:38 pm

    Oh lord, laff haf want to tear my belle oo., Mnena u hav kill me o.. I thought i had sarcastic friends, girl u’re over d top sarcastic and i’m loving u for dis.. Giv it bak to dem o jare.. At number 6, buhahahahahahahahahahaha…

  29. partyrider

    September 17, 2012 at 3:19 pm

    great come back..lol

  30. Mayowa

    September 17, 2012 at 3:57 pm

    Very funny piece. I believe IKs tips are good and it might work for some people. IK is just trying to help. However, I have learnt that there is no hard and fast rule in life. Some people play ‘good girl’ and are single till 35 while others started having sex at 14 and got married at 22. Some people have sex the first day they meet a guy and end up being married, others swore to remain a virgin and no guy will commit. Life is not a script, nevertheless, a few good tips might help to minimise heartbreak. Whatever you choose to do just make sure you are happy and you can sleep well at night. 🙂

    • rew

      September 18, 2012 at 1:59 am

      correct

  31. Brittlepaper

    September 17, 2012 at 4:04 pm

    Thank you Meena! I thought I was the only one who thought the IK system was a tad absurd in some respects. My favorite line: “Instead of giving head, I will now just lick the head. Oh that’s not what he meant?” Lol ! You rock missy!

    http://brittlepaper.com/2012/09/world-give-shelter-wole-soyinka-death-king/

  32. kem

    September 17, 2012 at 4:06 pm

    chattzee……………….tell them

  33. Aibee

    September 17, 2012 at 4:09 pm

    Don’t give it all up. Leave some for marriage. Perfect the art of giving previews: Instead of giving head, I will now just lick the head. Oh that’s not what he meant? Sorry my bad. Just allow him touch breast through the cloth but not touch the actual boob. Still not correct? Just allow him put the tip in but no further? No? I give up!

    Laff haff tear my belle o! I was wondering about IK’s number 6 too. You are either having sex or you are not. So which one?

  34. Damie

    September 17, 2012 at 4:32 pm

    LMFAO!!!!!!! Bloody hilarious. Loved it.

  35. idak

    September 17, 2012 at 4:35 pm

    Una no dey tire for this topic?
    This is getting boring.

  36. huh?

    September 17, 2012 at 10:52 pm

    @idak,I tire ooooooo.are men God??or is marriage a means to an end???

  37. NNENNE

    September 18, 2012 at 3:42 am

    That’s why I keep coming back to BN….effortlessly relaxing!

  38. Teefah

    September 18, 2012 at 5:02 am

    Perfect come back.
    I started out reading this thinking OMG BN is actually feeding this guy’s ego.
    My issue with IK’s tips is the fact that he makes it seem like there is something wrong with a woman if she is not married, it’s bad enough majority of the society feels this way, but I would have thought someone as exposed and learned as IK would think different.
    And some of his tips, e.g. Natural Hair I mean c’mon! So to get a man one has to have malaysian hair down to their butt!

    But the writer had me in stitches…well done. loved it!

    http://www.that1960chick.com

    • JJ

      September 18, 2012 at 11:39 pm

      @Teefah I agree with everything you’ve said!

  39. Myne Whitman

    September 18, 2012 at 9:45 am

    The retort on the art of giving preview killed me, LOL…

  40. portableoge

    September 18, 2012 at 10:06 am

    ROTFLMFAO!!! Tip 6 killed me o!

  41. vee

    September 19, 2012 at 9:56 pm

    Very funny, my sentiments exactly and I love my natural hair; I dont want to be fifty with a five-head as a result of weaves and relaxers.

  42. Natural Nigerian

    September 24, 2012 at 12:15 am

    Fantastic!

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