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Unable to Have Sex Until 2 Months After Marriage! BN Reader *Andrea Shares Her Experience with Vaginismus

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At BellaNaija we provide a hub for the discussion of pertinent issues in society. We believe that our readers always have a stories to share and we warmly encourage this. There’s always room for learning, and we hope that we can touch lives positively through this platform. In this vein, one of our readers sent in this story about her inability to have sex until two months after her marriage. *Andrea‘s fun, educating and interesting article is very informative and we encourage all our readers to read it, share it with their friends.

If you’ve never heard of the word ‘vaginismus’, then here’s a chance to learn about it. 

***

I am writing this based on my experience and the lack of information out there about vaginismus.
Vaginismus is a condition where there is involuntary tightness of the vagina during attempted intercourse. I heard vaginismus can also occur during sex, thereby ‘trapping’ the penis in the vagina (did I hear you say Magun?)
Vaginismus can either be psychological or non-psychological. This is my story of non-psychological vaginismus.

I got married a virgin, I was 26 years old. I was a well-adjusted regular babe. I just decided while I was at UNILAG that I would wait till I was married before having sex. Two boyfriends broke up with me because I refused to have pre-marital sex. I don’t blame them; almost everyone seemed to be doing it. Infact, it was the cool thing to do.

I met my husband *Dee two years after NYSC. While he was still ‘toasting’ me, I let him know sex, as well as oral sex was off the table. He was cool with that as he had sown his wild oats. He was more worried or rather curious about me being okay with the fact that he wasn’t a virgin. He always felt that one day, I would break up with him and go in search of my knight and shiny virgin. I had no issues with that.

We got engaged after dating for like 18 months. Truthfully, it was more difficult abstaining after we were engaged, but we made it.

While packing my bags for the honeymoon, I included two tubes of KY jelly. So off we went, from the reception to airport to Dubai. We were very tired when we got to the hotel at Dubai. We slept, showered, slept went for breakfast and slept some more (what can I say, Naija weddings are energy drainers). All this while, I was excited. Finally! Dee kept telling me to calm down. Everything I said and saw was a double entendre, with reference to sex. Even pouring coffee seemed sexual. I was high on the anticipation of sex.

So we tried the first time, he couldn’t penetrate. The pain was excruciating. He barely got the ‘tip’ in. He said I should relax, we tried again no such luck. We didn’t even need the KY, as Dee was pushing all the right buttons but we still applied it. After a couple of tries, we decided to take a break. I started to panic, what if my vagina had atrophied due to lack of use. I went to the reception and paid for Wi-Fi. Google became my friend. I found a couple of articles and blogposts on the issue. I tried the suggestions in these articles but none worked.

I should point out that I had been using tampons for about 5 years, so it wasn’t a fear of having things inserted into my VaJayJay (forgive me, Grey’s Anatomy fans will understand why I called my vagina VJJ)

To cut a very long story short, we came back from a 10-day honeymoon with my cherry still intact. I was so pissed, after all the waiting. Though we enjoyed our stay in Dubai, the inability to have sex put a damper on the holiday. I couldn’t even have a proper honeymoon. I had suggested to Dee that if I took some tranquilizers or was mega-drunk on alcohol and passed out, he could just do the needful. He calmly asked me if I was asking him to rape me. That put an end to that line of thought.

I bought applicators for depositing lubricant in my VJJ. I bought numbing cream, I bought lots of KY jelly, Durex lubricant as well as silicone based lubricant. No effect.

We tried lots of times; I even took some alcohol to help me relax a little more, but no such luck. We were both frustrated. I found only one article at that time regarding being married and not being able to have sex. It was on a forum and an Indian lady had the same issue, but she didn’t get any help. It was also a very old thread.

I went to see my gynaecologist. She diagnosed vaginismus. She told me that sex was a good thing, and I shouldn’t be ashamed or feel dirty about sex, that because I felt sex was a dirty and sinful activity, my subconscious was causing me to tighten my vaginal muscles involuntarily. In my head, I was like WTF? I didn’t know I had so much self-control. I calmly told her I didn’t see sex as a dirty/sinful activity and that she had to right to say such to me without a psychological evaluation. That was the last time I went to that hospital.

I confided in a friend about my not being able to have sex. My friend promptly said she believed I must have done coded aristo runs while we were in school and had gone for a vaginal tightening surgery and maybe the doctor had over-tightened my VJJ. Insert blank stare. I started wondering how this babe was still my friend.

I saw two other doctors. All of them told me to relax. Doctors like to trivialize our worries – very very annoying trait. I decided I was on my own in this quest to have sex.

After some more research online, I found a website www.vaginismus.com that specialized in do-it-yourself treatments for vaginismus. (They encouraged ladies to see a psychologist if they felt the vaginismus was a symptom of underlying issues). In the products category, I read a lot of stories and testimonies of women who had used their products successfully. A woman hadn’t been able to have sex for more than 10 years after marriage. Her doctors always told her to relax. Everyone told her she was frigid. She even saw a psychologist, who said she didn’t have any underlying issues that could cause vaginismus. This made me very determined, ten years without sex was crazy!

The website sold medical grade vaginal dilators to help widen the vagina. These dilators come in 4 different sizes. The biggest size is about the same size as a normal-size erect penis. They had instructions on how to use them, from the smallest dilators to the largest. I immediately ordered the dilators. I took my time using them, and in 5 days, was ready for the big daddy size. By the seventh day and 2 tubes of KY Jelly later, I was able to insert the biggest one comfortably.

We tried to have sex again, and two months after getting married, we finally had sex. Yes, you read that right, we didn’t have penetrative sex for a whole two months after marriage.

Well, the story didn’t end there. We had sex the day after also. Sometime during the night, I woke up to pee and felt PAIN! I also had blood in my urine. I went to the hospital in the morning; turned out I had Cystisis. Cystitis is an inflammation of the bladder, and can be caused by sex. The doctor wasn’t surprised to hear I just started having sex. He said my form of Cystisis is also referred to as Honeymoon Cystisis as a lot of women on honeymoon develop it, especially if they haven’t been sexually active for a while. (Cystisis can also be caused by bacteria, trauma etc and can cause kidney infection if left untreated). He prescribed antibiotics and some other drugs for 10 days and told me to abstain from sex.

A week after I completed the dosage, we tried to have sex again. Turns out my VJJ had gone on holiday. I used the two biggest dilators for one day and we were able to “do-the-do”.

Dee was very supportive during this period, as I was very upset and always worrying. I also felt grossly inadequate and started worrying that he would cheat on me. We had a long talk and we both aired our worries. He was actually feeling rejected, like something about him was turning me off and making me not want to have sex with him. He thought I had psychological vaginismus triggered by him.

Aside the vaginismus, I also believe I have a small vagina. My doctor told me there is no such thing as a small vagina, as vaginas are made to accommodate a baby’s head. I told him I was very sure I had a small vagina because if I didn’t have sex for about one or two weeks, my vagina always felt narrower, and sex was always uncomfortable that first time, most especially after my period. I was looking forward to a vaginal birth; I thought the baby’s head would help widen my VJJ. He dismissed it with a laugh and said I must have being trying to diagnose myself with Google.

Four years after we got married, I had our first child. Labour was difficult and terribly painful. It was the worst pain ever. After dilating to 10cm, the baby did not come out despite my grunts, leg positioning and chin down. At some point, the midwife told me to squat, as it makes the birth canal wider. Thankfully, the same gynaecologist that dismissed my comments about a small vagina was the one on-call. I had an episiotomy (a cut in the vulval area/perineum to accommodate the head of the baby). The baby still didn’t come out. A vacuum pump was used, as well as a nurse practically doing a hand-stand on my tummy to push baby out. In the end, I had a tear in my perineum, as well as a tear in the vaginal wall. My baby was just 2.8 kg. The doctor actually came to the room while I was recuperating to apologize and tell me he believed I had a narrow birth canal (vagina). I told him if we were in a foreign country, I would probably sue him for dismissing my complaints and causing me so much pain.

Note that I was sexually active throughout pregnancy and had even had sex the day before I went into labour (I heard semen triggers labour, myth?).

It took about 45 minutes to stitch my vaginal wall, episiotomy and tear. I started panicking. The stitches would definitely take a while to heal, what if it made me narrower…Questions! I spoke with the Gynae, he listened this time.

At my 4 week post-partum check, he inserted a speculum (that evil looking metal instrument used to view the cervix among other things) with tons of lube into my VJJ. It was quite painful, but he said it was necessary. He told me to resume using my dilators. At my 6 week check, he passed a speculum easily.

I resumed sex 3 months post-partum with no discomfort.

This is my story on vaginismus (which could have been compounded by a narrow vagina). The good thing about not being able to have penetrative sex was that we were able to explore our bodies extensively, and truly there’s so many ways of having a wonderful sexual experience.

Please, if your vaginismus is a symptom of underlying issues like rape, sexual molestation, lack of trust, please see a psychologist asides seeing your gynaecologist.

*Not their real names.

Photo Credit: Dreamstime | Photographerlondon

175 Comments

  1. VeryANgryNigerian

    November 26, 2014 at 5:36 pm

    Oh my goodness…I’m assuming you are in Nigeria? A good and well trained gynecologist would have detected you have a narrow cervix early on and recommended CS, what if you died during child birth?….These are things that get detected even when women do the usual pap-smear…..mehn I tire for Nigeria shaa……. I think it’s something with the Nigerian genetics, a lot of Nigerian women have narrow cervix……

    1
    • slice

      November 26, 2014 at 7:06 pm

      exactly

    • anonymous

      November 26, 2014 at 8:37 pm

      A narrow cervix isn’t the same thing as a narrow vagina. If the cervix was stenosed( not narrow) she won’t dilate up the required 10cm to achieve a vaginal delivery. I believe because she is a primigravida( first time parturient) her pelvic floor muscles are still rigid. Hence d difficulties she had.

      1
    • obiej

      November 26, 2014 at 9:38 pm

      There are no narrow crevices during labour my dear. You either ripen and dilate or you don’t! A narrow Vagina is an entirely different issue.
      Thanks a million for sharing your story. There is actually not much medical research/evidence based guidelines for managing vaginismus. It’s largely trial and error. Congrats on your baby and eventual resolution.
      We -medics and laymen alike- need to recognise and be more open to Vaginismus as a recognised medical condition. Psychological or otherwise.
      Thanks for sharing, again!

    • VeryAngryNigerian

      November 26, 2014 at 11:04 pm

      Thanks for the insight. I still maintain having a small/narrow cervix can affect childbirth, infact experienced Gynaes recommend CS once they detect a woman has a narrow cervix and the baby could be 3lb and over (the baby may not be able to pass through the narrow opening dilated or not). It’s a risk to have vaginal birth, it could result into tears/stress on the baby or even death. Not sure where you practice, but explore this more with your collegues. So that when you consult patients with such cases you won’t put them through the risk. The cervix is the tube that connects the vagina to the uterus. When your cervix is small/narrow sex can be painful as well . Sometimes narrow cervices are mistaken for tight vagina.

    • obiej

      November 27, 2014 at 1:21 am

      My dear @veryangrynigerian, you are mixing a whole lot of conditions together. I don’t want to belabour the issue. The cervix becomes important in labour only in regards to dilation or not. A narrow birth canal as in cephalopelvic disproportion -head bigger than pelvis- or large babies which I think you insinuate when you say above 3lbs????!!!!(that’s just about a kilogram) is an entirely different issue my dear. I am very open to learning, on this one I think you have it mixed. No Obstetrician would withhold a CS in a failed progression of labour -cervix not dilating- Nigerian and otherwise!

      2
    • kk

      November 27, 2014 at 1:30 pm

      My dear, narrow cervix exists. In Igbo they refer to it as ‘ukwu nkpa’. It makes dilation difficult.

      1
    • slice

      December 1, 2014 at 2:48 pm

      i don’t think the real issue here is the cervix’s narrowness or otherwise. i think it’s more the doctor allowing labor to go on that long when the mother is in such distress. we hear of so many deaths during child birth and many of those are avoidable. the baby is not coming “naturally” there are other ways.

    • passingby

      November 27, 2014 at 2:12 am

      There is NOTTING like a narrow CERVIX. Dyou know what a cervix is???.. if you understood what you are saying you would laugh at yourself. Am sorry but were did you get this information from. If you got it from a medical practitioner then please report them the person is a dangerous fake.. The test for a normal birth is through trial of labour. . there are no measures to test if the birth canal can labour, except actual labour. A woman can have a narrow pelvis which can cause an obstructive labour, also position of the head in relation to the pelvis. For instance if the child presents with the widest part of the head, it could be a prolonged and difficult labour, also a baby back lying on mums back can cause prolonged difficult labour. at the end of the day its how your labour is manage that really counts. And also the amount of ignorant people you brought along to support you in labour. there are different positions a woman can adopt to open up the pelvis, turn the baby etc. Again an episiotomy is preformed for different reasons, some women tear naturally, i learnt episiotomies are standard for primigravidas in Nigeria. if a head can fit in your vagina, a penis can fit too. there is NO SUCH THING as a small VAGINA. But if you believe you have one psychologically you are already defeated, the brain is a powerful thing. Cystitis is a symptom of frequent sex characterised by the honeymoon period, i don’t think your one round of sex qualifies your suspected symptoms to be honeymoon related. Please get it checked out properly. peeing blood is a very late sign of kidney infection. I’ve been a midwife for 12 years trust me.

      1
    • Mae

      November 27, 2014 at 10:01 am

      “…He said my form of Cystisis is also referred to as Honeymoon Cystisis as a lot of women on honeymoon develop it,…” Note the ‘IS ALSO’. She never said she developed it on her honeymoon. She explicitly said she wasn’t even able to have sex on her honeymoon.

    • Yinkz

      November 27, 2014 at 11:01 am

      Passingby, thank you for educating us. I thing doctors in Nigeria quickly want to rely on Episiotomy if you are a Primi. I remember during labour of my first child, the doctor categorically mentioned to me that he was going to cut me open cuz I was a primi…imagine!

      Lo and behold, my baby choose to emerge as my water broke during active labour. I eventually ddnt get cut according to the doctor’s demands and my baby and me was very fine. Is there anyway doctor’s can stop this method of wuruwuru to the answer?

    • VeryAngryNigerian

      November 27, 2014 at 1:36 pm

      There is NOTTING like a narrow CERVIX ???? really? …… I won’t go back and forth on this. I’m tempted to refer you to a good gynecologist so you can get more educated on this. But this is BN it’s not that serious…. and like you claimed you are midwife, so you should know better. So Ok Ma, I agree with everything you said….and its true I don’t know what a cervix is, don’t even know what a VJJ is. Thanks for the knowledge ma.

      Obiej, on to a productive discussion…..I’m not mixing things up….again I still maintain there is something like a narrow cervix and it can affect childbirth. See the link below (please pay serious attention to the quote below). I’m not basing my statement on the link below, I know this from a couple of diagnosis from well renowned gynecologists ….. It could just be the gynecologists are fake as madam midwife purported.
      Let’s be clear on one thing, I’m not saying I know it all and like you I’m open to learning especially from a reputable personnel. However, when it comes to Nigerian doctors I have seen it all too many times where improper diagnosis has cost lives. Also there always seems to be some air of arrogance to them when you question their diagnosis…..until recently I didn’t know it extended to the midwives. And you have the right as a patient to air any concerns you have to a doctor. Even in the U.S there are cases of incorrect diagnosis, but what I find slightly different with US doctors is their openness to review or consult with others if a patient brings up an issue about the diagnosis. Also you can always get a second, third or fourth opinion 😀 . Please keep up the attitude of openness to learn, if you are already a practicing Doctor it will take you places. Even doctors with 40yrs experience will tell you they are always learning.

      Also find a picture of what a cervix is.
      pregnancy-baby-care.com/conditions-during-pregnancy/small-cervix-and-pregnancy.html#continued

      med-health.net/Function-Of-The-Cervix.html

      “Problems associated with a small cervix in pregnancy
      The cervix plays a crucial role when it comes to pregnancy. Cervical health is not only vital for conception but also essential for the completion of a pregnancy term as well as during the natural process of child birth. There are a number of problems with small cervix in pregnancy. Small cervix pregnancy complications mainly arise as a result of repeated vaginal infections, prior cervical procedures, illnesses and trauma to the cervix. Some women are born with a small cervix. A small cervix and infertility could be linked as a narrowed cervix adversely affects the ability of the sperm to swim through to the mature egg in the fallopian tube. If sperm is not exposed to the eggs released during ovulation, conception cannot take place resulting in natural infertility. A small cervix could also cause complications at the time of childbirth as the baby would not be able to pass through a narrow opening. In such cases, a c-section may be inevitable. In some cases, dilators may be used to temporarily widen the cervix. In most cases, following a natural vaginal delivery, the cervix widens on its own making consecutive pregnancies less complicated as well as reducing the pain experienced during menstruation.”

    • kk

      November 27, 2014 at 1:40 pm

      I also had ‘Honeymoon Cystisis’ after my wedding, though mine didnt come with blood in urine.. I married a virgin and when i discovered it, we hadn’t had sex more than 3 times. i went to the hospital and the doctor told me that i have Honeymoon Cystisis.

    • efe

      November 27, 2014 at 7:10 pm

      Thanx for clarifying things. Please what hospital do you work in.

    • SASSYCASSIE

      November 27, 2014 at 8:34 am

      Thank God for well informed folks like the people who debunked your ‘narrow cervix’ theory. See how you just insulted every gyn/ obn in Nigeria because of your ignorance your ignorance

      1
    • VeryAngryNigerian

      November 27, 2014 at 2:12 pm

      Lol really? 😀 ….please take a seat and lean back my dear……

    • Passingby

      November 27, 2014 at 3:25 pm

      You are indeed a ver angry nigerian. Cervical stenousis does not affect the enjoyment of sex. Sperms are microscopic and can pass through a cervix same as menstration. An old trauma to the cervix or even disease like cervical cancer can result in the cervix not DILATING during labour. an episiotomy does not confirm cervical stenosis infact it throws that logic out the window because it means tha t cervix has dilated enough for the head to be on the perineum , which is the second stage of labour. If you are not dilated you cannot reach 2nd stage of labour. Yes I am a midwife an been so for 12 -13 years. I have no reason to lie about serious issues raised here. I have experienced first hand what damage misinformed people like you do. I have experienced ignorant views from loud misinformed birth supporters who come in with their victims and obstruct labour. It is very annoying , because what people like you do is a crime. C/S for everything. If only you knew the complications of cs. It’s so sad that people actually listen to your lies. Any way I will continue to support women who understand their bodies and know that they can birth normally. My best experience as a midwife was when a young labouring girl asked her negative, idiotic birth supporter to get out of the room. Immediately that witch left, with her bag of misinformation, and native doctor tricks this young dilated naturally and pushed her baby into the world. C/s saves lives yes, when it is necessary not from the misinformed mad diagnosis of an Internet educated idiot. there are millions of misinformed nigerians like yourself, the Internet just makes your narrow minds worse.nuff said.

    • VeryAngryNigeria

      November 27, 2014 at 5:12 pm

      And you are a midwife… I’m sorry for your patients….all you need is a broom and a hat….then you will take the form of an ancient witch…..with that said…go back to school….first it was there’s nothing like a narrow cervix….now it’s about enjoying sex…and complications of CS……u mean the ones you guys do with a cutlass?….I’m not advocating for CS, in fact I prefer vaginal birth, but for women who have conditions like this that can lead to birthing complications I’m all for it….no wonder Nigeria has high mortality rate, I’m sure it’s full of midwives of your likes….for a midwife you are uncouth and in fact I’m grossly disappointed you cannot act like a professional in the hospital or not.. Jumping all over the page like a rabied dog……this is this last you will be hearing from me, lest I’ll be guilty of what I accuse you of…..bye felicia….

    • obiej

      November 27, 2014 at 9:54 pm

      Nña…… @passingby, I try to analyse the Nigerian problem, the mind set, the plethora of conundrums that leave our people where they are. The resultant headache pass SAH!
      For someone who’s never seen or knows what a cervix looks like. Someone who uses ‘narrow’ and ‘dilated’ in the same sentence, to approve and nullify their claim at the same time, to so vehemently defend their ignorance!!!!!
      The only reason I commented was so some gullible person wouldn’t swallow crap. How do we inculcate humble critical reasoning in our people?

    • concernednigerian

      November 28, 2014 at 8:16 pm

      narrow cervix =tight vagina. Small cervix = painful sex. which monkey Anatomy you read. are you a Vet?. this thing you describe is not human anatomy o! take am easy prof.

    • Paul Simon

      November 30, 2014 at 6:58 am

      How would a good well trained gynaecologist predicament a ‘narrow’ cervix . Is it a practice were you live For women’s cervix to be examined in pregnancy just to detect if it is narrow. I am sorry but your attack on Nigerian gynaecologist is unfounded. Please educate your self and help your ignorance. Stop looking down on everything Nigerian,because you live abroad
      Amenities might be poor but Nigeria can boost of some of the very best medical consultants in the world. Please don’t talk what you do not know. You have just proven that the Internet is a very dangerous place for people who can’t assess the credibility and validity of research.

      1
  2. S!

    November 26, 2014 at 5:40 pm

    Really educative. If you have this condition, can you have anal sex or it would be as tight as the vagina too?

    • Olivia

      November 26, 2014 at 6:27 pm

      Aunty S, the ass a.k.a butt, a.k.a anus, is an exit not an entrance.

    • S!

      November 26, 2014 at 9:30 pm

      Urine & Menstral Blood also ‘exits’ the vagina.
      Now I was asking a vague question with regards to anal sex.

    • Carliforniabawlar

      November 26, 2014 at 10:40 pm

      @S….Sweetim! Urine does not exit your vagina oh!! hehehe…There is “another hole”
      **Orange is the new black reference**
      Is your shit (from the anus) for reproductive purposes as is the menstrual blood (from the vjayjay)?
      when they taught us reproductive organs dem mention anus join?
      If you have sex via ya vag would you have to wear diapers because the hole would start to leak?
      Do you even know the mechanisms with which your butthole muscles work?
      Questions for you too maam!

    • Sissy Balagon

      November 27, 2014 at 7:33 am

      That anus of yours… will be soon bringing more poop.. Jesus.. Lord

    • Dedun

      November 27, 2014 at 11:39 pm

      LOL!

  3. Hmmmmm

    November 26, 2014 at 5:42 pm

    I cant thank you enough for this!!! Been there and still there…..

    • Opsy

      November 26, 2014 at 6:13 pm

      You’ll get through it and soon too *hugs*

    • anonymous

      November 26, 2014 at 6:25 pm

      Me too. Sad it’s really sad

    • slice

      November 26, 2014 at 7:07 pm

      skip all she went through and go straight for the dilators, vibrators and dildos and fingers. yes fingers

    • Reallyhmmmm

      November 26, 2014 at 8:42 pm

      Still going through this too. Thanks to the writer for sharing. I got married as a virgin, so did my husband. The pain throughout the honeymoon was so excruciating, I didn’t feel like trying again for a long time. We kept on trying to no avail. Went to see a ddoctor after some months and he diagnosed vaginimus but said I should just ‘relax’. That didn’t help of course, till I also went online and got on vaginimus.com. it was a while before the kit got to me cos of the postal system. It’s been a long journey and we’re still on it. To worsen the situation, hubby has a big penis, bigger than the biggest dilator in the kit. Right now, I just want to get pregnant before our second year anniversary and I pray for easy pregnancy and delivery. I’ve suffered excruciating menstrual pain and vaginimus, I need a break. This situation is not such that you can share with people but I know my God never fails.

    • passingby

      November 27, 2014 at 8:57 am

      My dear not to make light of your situation, but I will like to suggest a really simple solution to your predicament which to some extent has to do with you psychologically holding on to your virginity. A tall glass of Vodka or any cheap alcoholic beverages an hour before sex, will relax your body enough for your brain to be able to let go off your virginity and allow you the freedom to enjoy sex the way normal people do. Continue using alcohol for the next few occasions and before long you would have forgotten all about your virginity issues. My dears there are no women out there with big baggy vaginas. The vagina is a muscle it is made to expand and than contract again the notion of tight vagina was coined by some pious anal retentive virgin eager to symbolise her virginity with talk about tight intact vaginas. The truth of the matter is that their is no difference between the birth canal of an ashawo primigravida and a virgin once the hymen has been breech birth canal na birth canal no difference at al even men cant tell the difference. How ever if you have been circumcised then the formation of scar tissue around the enterance to the vagina will make it difficult for it stretch because the tissue is damaged. The use of these questionable Internet expanders will only lead to vagina prolapse. So take my advice a tall glass of alcohol and your poor long suffering husband can literally kiss your hymen away. You don’t need to consult a gynea for that. Painful menstration is has Notting to do with virginity, and in some cases child birth does not cure it. This virginity thing don suffer .virginity is good for the right reasons but ladies let’s not turn it into a medical problem. Tall glass of alcohol! !.

    • Reallyhmmmm

      November 27, 2014 at 4:31 pm

      @passingby, I don’t have strength abeg, IT IS A MEDICAL CONDITION!!!!

  4. naana

    November 26, 2014 at 5:56 pm

    i have been enlightened. will discuss this with my friends.
    and thanks for sharing.
    enjoy your family and lots of sex.

  5. Akua

    November 26, 2014 at 5:57 pm

    Very interesting story, and very happy to know that everything worked out well in the end. God bless your lives together.

  6. ms lala

    November 26, 2014 at 5:58 pm

    Thank you Bellanaija for posting this article. This is a real issue, fear causes the pelvic muscles to contract and stop penetration. when I had Vaginimus I could not have sex for four years. All my boyfriends were ignorant and most important DAFT!!!. The author is lucky and blessed to be with a loving man who wanted to help her through her problem and also take a chance to understand the female anatomy. I told my boyfriend what led to my Vaginimus and told me I was lying and second, why will a doctor sell me a dildo to eff myself. smh!!!!!! I dumped him and cured my issue myself by ordering the dilators. TO GOD BE THE GLORY.

  7. blah blah

    November 26, 2014 at 6:02 pm

    WOW!
    WOW!
    WOW!
    The fear that has entered me now eh! I am going to be 27 soon and I am a ‘by force’ virgin. I decided to keep myself a before I became a teenager but by age 24 I knew I was ready. Most especially because my boyfriend at the time was so hot I literally used to vibrate and my vulva would pulse whenever I saw him or thought of him. HOWEVER every time I have tried to have sex the pepe no gree enter! Missionary o, doggy o, nothing! Me on top is just torture. Its so painful i always have to pull away. Its so invasive, like someone is trying to tear me apart. KY Jelly did absolutely nothing for me. Thankfully he never tried to force himself on me because I know it can be very frustrating to have a naked girl in front of you and your pepe won’t enter. Many times I wonder if I have a problem. I finally decided that God himself must be helping me keep my virginity. So now I keep it and wait. When I finally meet my Divine Beloved, I have a strong feeling I would need medical and psychological assistance to do the do. God help me! Oh I use tampons as well so I know the ‘hole’ is there and things can go in! Scary stuff.

    • MissT

      November 26, 2014 at 9:47 pm

      Don’t try to be on top if your Vjayjay is tight. You will only kill yourself o! I learned my lesson

    • anonymous

      November 27, 2014 at 1:02 pm

      oh my dear, this is me… 27 as well.. mine is so bad i can’t even use a tampon… i tried but it just wouldn’t enter.. i’m shitty scared of anything getting near my vj… God help me

  8. Opsy

    November 26, 2014 at 6:05 pm

    Thanks for this beautiful post…

    Listen up people… this condition was a major factor to the end of my friend’s 2 year marriage!

    • anonymous

      November 26, 2014 at 6:26 pm

      Sad. So sad

  9. Que

    November 26, 2014 at 6:06 pm

    Fear oooo!

    • TA

      November 26, 2014 at 11:37 pm

      As in! The fear wey dey catch me now. Chai! Can’t women just have a break? Vaginisimus,frigidity,VVF,orishirishi,etc,ahn ahn,can women ever have a break?

    • camo

      November 27, 2014 at 11:14 am

      i tell you. My head is really everywhere now. Hian! na problem to be virgin again? oh chim

    • Bobosteke & Lara Bian

      November 27, 2014 at 12:06 pm

      The expression on my face right now.

    • Mz Socially Awkward...

      November 29, 2014 at 5:40 am

      No fear my sisters, after all there may be other sexually reproductive medical issues which may affect your other halves when you both least expect it. “Love conquers all”, they say but they don’t always tell you what that list of “all” might contain…

      Just pray you are blessed with acgood and stalwart partner and with that prayer, equally ask God to make you as understanding and supportive of him too, when you’re called upon.

      @Andrea (the writer), thank you for sharing and educating. I’d honestly never heard of this condition before now.

  10. Emy

    November 26, 2014 at 6:11 pm

    God bless you BN for this post. I was thinking of sending my own post as well. God bless the lady that sent this. My case is the same. Small vaginal, can’t have penetrative sex. I always scream n my oga gets pissed.

  11. Fashionista

    November 26, 2014 at 6:23 pm

    Wow Andrea, you’re a strong woman. I have a tight vaginal wall as well, not nearly as bad as yours though. I hope your stitches healed fine. E-hugs.

  12. Me

    November 26, 2014 at 6:27 pm

    Wow Bella this is so educative. To be a whore na wahala and to be virgin sef na wahala, abeg me I don tire Jare, may God help us in all our endeavours #TeamNoSexTillMarriage

    • Ayaba

      November 26, 2014 at 7:35 pm

      hahahahahaha i was just thinking in the same light as you. Na waaah ooh!!! ei tire me pass

    • benny

      November 26, 2014 at 11:24 pm

      If you ain’t a virgin, u are a whore?

    • carliforniabawlar

      November 27, 2014 at 9:14 am

      I thought the same thing with a raised eyebrow too…but then I figured she was probably just trying to compare two extremes of ‘sexual ‘activity’….#mytake. #shrugs

  13. bruno

    November 26, 2014 at 6:28 pm

    BRUNO ADVICE
    If the front door doesn’t work, use the back door, *wink*

    Keep using the back door until the front door starts working. LOL

    • Memebaby

      November 26, 2014 at 8:45 pm

      Brunooooo I like you! Lol

    • Reallyhmmmm

      November 26, 2014 at 8:46 pm

      Hush please. How does that help? How offensive can you get? This is not a trivial matter

    • Honeycrown

      November 26, 2014 at 8:58 pm

      Hey Bruno, please can you Shut The Front Door!
      I really truly didn’t want to go there…..but you left the front door wide open.

  14. Idomagirl

    November 26, 2014 at 6:36 pm

    Thanks for sharing your story….this condition seems really common or maybe more people are opening up about it…

  15. ngluv

    November 26, 2014 at 6:57 pm

    Wow.. what an brave article and an eye opener.. she really has a supportive husband. I hope this isn’t the case for me when i start having sex. God help me and God bless the writer.

  16. solayo

    November 26, 2014 at 7:18 pm

    Fear grip me no be small o. Just hope i wont face this too. God help the virgins!!!

    • chi-e-z

      November 27, 2014 at 3:03 am

      Girl every V goes through this. She’s complaining bout 2 months please that ain’t ish. Shoot I made it my mission to lose V card b4 marriage cause my mom frankly told me it’s up to you if you want to only be with 1 guy 4 rest of your life all I’d say is condom and I don’t think that’s wise cause I did and wasn’t nothing that serious. So I was like ready to not be 40 and a V and even after 4 years still ain’t gotten complete… anyways moral of the story is it’s beautiful to be romantic and wait for special one but I swear if I was the first woman civilization would have ended with me cause menh it’s hard gone…. that’s what she said ;D

  17. shassy

    November 26, 2014 at 7:26 pm

    This the most educative piece I have ever read on BN! We all hear about abstinence from sex before marriage but people don’t talk about how painful it can be to break your “virginity” . It took me & my fiance now my husband of 6 years weeks to break my hymen! I kept myself not bcos am a saint but simply bcos I don’t want to deal with heartbreak,rejection,contraceptive,pregnancy ,abortion & STD while in d university. For me it doesn’t worth it! And it was so painful that I wished was not a virgin. We did it before our honeymoon sha”winking”! Honeymoon should be enjoyed not endured!

    • Wmade

      November 27, 2014 at 1:27 pm

      Wmade
      Every lady feels the pain whether before or after the wedding night. The only reason one should be a virgin should be for the purpose of honouring God Almighty because He is the rewarder of those who patiently wait. It is natural to feel pains of penetration no matter the age and time. As for me, Shassy your advice is from the bottom pit of hell. Do you know that God will judge all ? He said His judgement will start from the church. will you be find wantings?

  18. MissT

    November 26, 2014 at 7:33 pm

    OMG! OMG! You are my sister from another mother lol. I got married almost 3 months ago at the age of 30 and virgin. Sexual experience during my honeymoon was disappointing bc we couldn’t really get it on bc my vagina was 2 tight. Just like you I still have pain every time I don’t have sex with my husband after my period or if we wait for 5 to 6 days. And just like you I had Cystitis, mine happened the day we left our honeymoon. I was in so much pain and was crying during our 8 hours flight. I still struggle with sex as my vagina is still tight and I’m concern about my ability to give birth the natural way when I get pregnant. My husband have been very supportive the past few months. For women going through the same situation, drink a lot of fluids especially water before and after sex is important. And don’t forget to keep good hygiene to avoid infection

    • ibkgeorge

      November 27, 2014 at 5:37 am

      Oh my goodness me!This is so scary.Dear Lord biko please I can’t deal with this o when its time.33 and still keeping the cards*Sigh.I need to have a fulfilling sex life when a, married,This is so scary

  19. Finally

    November 26, 2014 at 7:44 pm

    Whoa, I almost shed tears when I read this article. This is so me, married 2 years now still no sexual inter course. But trust me, you find so many other ways to find pleasure. I have a very supportive husband, couldn’t even tell anyone was scared of what they would say. I got married a virgin, but I know my fear started from stories my married friends when they told me about their first night. I have been to many doctors still no solution and I have even considered giving up on having children cus I’m now past the age of 30. Did a lot of research and found nothing but I’mGlad I saw this on Bella nija today and to know that I’m not the only one with issue. I guess I better start looking for where to buy dilators. God bless you for sharing. I’m extremely grateful.

    • MC

      November 27, 2014 at 1:04 am

      You are way too young to give up on the idea of having children!
      Stay strong!

    • baboushka

      November 27, 2014 at 3:27 am

      You can still have children after 30 even after 40 sef as long as you are still experiencing menstruation you can still get pregnant biologically barring any other medical conditions only menopause can stop you from getting pregnant after 30. Wow I never knew what people go through behind closed marital doors just wow! I hope you all experience relief and the joys of good sex real soon. I think sex education for virgin brides and grooms is very important. I believe the Nigerian “sex is dirty” culture that is drummed into young minds from an early age is also at play here. I just pray you all find relief real soon. xoxoxo

    • Owelle

      November 27, 2014 at 9:49 am

      Stay strong and have faith. It is well

    • Hrs_Cindy

      December 8, 2014 at 11:24 pm

      Pls, let go and let God. Fear is a dangerous force

  20. Temi_ayo

    November 26, 2014 at 7:49 pm

    I’m so scared sha… I hope I don’t experience this when the time comes #Diaryofascaredvirgin

  21. Jaygirl

    November 26, 2014 at 7:52 pm

    Thanks for sharing and thanks Bella Naija for posting this.

  22. Carlifirniabawlar

    November 26, 2014 at 8:23 pm

    OMG!! This is not good! Not good!! Not good at all!! Na who send me to read this one now ehn? You guys shoulda put a disclaimer that all hypochroniacs should beware…lol. I appreciate this very educative article!
    I’ve had two friends on both ends of the spectrum. My bestie has a milder case, however what *Andrea didn’t address was the another issue that came about due to this clenching vjayjay wahala….i.e. quick ejaculation on the guys part. You see, folklore has it (even from his previous gfs) that my friend’s husbands’penis is above average size…you guys can guess how that pans out…terrible! Eventually when they ‘got over’ the initial wahala after seeing several doctors, if they don’t do the do for a few days she said her vjayjay would be so tight he would barely last minute…poor guy would now start apologizing…lol.
    Now on the other end of the spectra is my other friend who got disvirgined by her stupidass boyfriend, and without her having multiple partners, within like months he started complaining that her ‘hole’ was to ‘wet, slippery and wide’…that her didn’t feel anything whenever he’s inside her…Egbami!msschew…na so she begin to allow the guy to enter through backdoor o! Can you imagine?
    Anyways back to the matter at hand, i hope me i don’t now develop vaginismus(the word sef get as e be) due to psychological reasons stemming from the fact that i think i have vaginismus! Anywhoozies…i for don marry, Mr. Husband for don buy night market be that… **evilgrin**

    • apprehensive

      November 26, 2014 at 11:13 pm

      Can someone please shed more light on this? A virgin whose vagina was too wet and wide? Does getting wet easily mean you might have a wide vagina? Or appear not to be a virgin when you are? These are genuine questions on my part.

    • Di

      November 27, 2014 at 2:54 am

      Been very wet is the natural thing and doesn’t mean wide. >85% of sex is the mind, erase fear, mind and vayjay works together. You fill your mind with fear and apprehension and your vayjay gets the signal and tenses up, more like a protective mechanism. You feels like a little naughty kitten and your vayjay gets the right signal and gets wet and comfortably tight for sex.

      Also know thy body, no sin exploring your body, if your two middle fingers can move comfortably in you, then you are good, the vayjay is elastic.

  23. dini

    November 26, 2014 at 8:24 pm

    I am 25 and still à Virgin. Tried loosing thé virginity about a year ago but thé things just will not enter. Thé pain is terrible. Now i have refused to marry because of this. Thank you for thé post.

    • Idomagirl

      November 27, 2014 at 8:33 am

      🙁

  24. fatima

    November 26, 2014 at 8:33 pm

    Am not an illiterate so don’t take this suggestion as one coming fro an unschooled person. I do know for a fact that herbs do work. I had a small cervix but my grandmother gave me some herbs to expand it and i gave birth to my son 4.2kg at home. Also Hausa women particularly those from Maiduguri have natural products for the vagina.

    1
    • FunkyW

      November 27, 2014 at 10:01 am

      ” Fatima, please could you share the name of the herbs you used, I’m a firm believer of herbal medicine. We are blessed by the Almighty with these plants but many don’t appreciate them.

    • Que

      November 27, 2014 at 10:15 am

      Sister please can you share more details…types of herbs, the usage, the type of conditions they were used for… pls lets have the options… I know for one that herbal medicine has saved my life a few times as long as its applied correctly…. . *Now calling Aunty Fati!* #cantshout!

  25. Nene

    November 26, 2014 at 8:44 pm

    The good thing about the natural birth is that it widens the vagina and birth canal allowing for easier sexual activity. In the us she would have had a csection right away.

  26. rs

    November 26, 2014 at 8:46 pm

    whalia this is scary…. may my vagina be open and wide enough to do the do oooo ,when the right guy comes along.
    Going through this would literally give me a nervous break down.

  27. Honeycrown

    November 26, 2014 at 8:53 pm

    I’m very glad things worked out for the writer & her supportive husband. I believe their health seeking behaviour (seeking medical intervention) may have also played a role in the positive outcome. However, in very few adverse cases, I’ve often wondered, if this condition could be an underlying cause of the inability to conceive on time and could it also be an underlying cause of lesbianism?

    • MC

      November 27, 2014 at 2:30 pm

      underlying cause of lesbianism…really!?…really?!

    • Honeycrown

      November 27, 2014 at 4:38 pm

      Yes MC, Really! Really! I’m referring to very rare cases since Vaginimus can be psychological, maybe it is a contributing factor for those who do not develop their sexuality. I’m talking serious stuff here & thinking outta the box.

  28. Guyana

    November 26, 2014 at 8:57 pm

    It’s nice to know there are many ladies abstaining either as virgins or just deciders. I was a virgin till I got married as well and I didn’t have this condition. Of course my husband lives my tight vjj what? That’s a major gain! Like the writer said , it might be caused of a psychological problem underlining m we are in a society where everyone ignores mental trauma so get help don’t be embarrassed to ask questions and girls ….. Abstinence is Hot!

  29. Olayemi

    November 26, 2014 at 9:02 pm

    Chai! This thing is real o. I had it for a whole year after marriage. I was 29 sef. In fact, my own pain was 24/7 mimicking cystitis too. I almost drowned on antibiotics thinking it was an infection. Thank God for a very understanding hubby. I hated sex and all it’s ideas. To crown it all, I wasn’t ovulating regularly so I was one of those “just keep having sex till you get pregnant cos your calendar is messed up”. As educated as I was, I was looking for solution in odd places. This thing can cause depression and break marriage. And doctors were so cynical about it. Pscheww. Thank God, pregnant now and the pain is gone. Never to come back again!!!

  30. omoibo

    November 26, 2014 at 9:11 pm

    Moral of the story to the virgin ladies out there is to explore yourself welle welle before marriage ;-P #justkidding

  31. SNQ

    November 26, 2014 at 9:43 pm

    So I had to read this jst when I’m trying to make up my mind whether or not to finally give in no matter what it takes #don’t blame me# #too many heart breaks biko#… God is definitely at work….This is the reason for two failed attempt at getting laid…#God is definitely saying something#my daughter just wait for the right guy# that special one who will be supportive #mind is made up#no more attempt till it’s right#….this might sound trivial to some people but try getting married to a man that is not supportive with this problem,then you’ll definitely know how depressing it can be.

  32. SASSYCASSIE

    November 26, 2014 at 10:08 pm

    vaginitis is not caused by virginity. i have friends who waited and they enjoy sex their spouses. do not go and start exploring with all and sundry because of fear.

  33. bb

    November 26, 2014 at 10:28 pm

    Am a virgin too but I think mine is psychological. I cant stand the thought of penetration.

  34. koins

    November 26, 2014 at 10:31 pm

    I’m scared

  35. MissTonia

    November 26, 2014 at 10:55 pm

    This article just made me weak in the knees, now my fear for child birth just went up by 200% . Anyways C section dey, can’t go and stress on top labor. ” Ordinary” Cramps I will be weeping and asking Jesus why we have to suffer this much on top say I be woman. I am just Tayaaaaaaddd!!! Hian!

    • TA

      November 26, 2014 at 11:49 pm

      Me too. I just tire finish.Woman wahala nor dey end?

  36. lol

    November 26, 2014 at 11:01 pm

    I also had issues with having penetrative sex after marriage but mine was not vaginamus because I already started exercising my VJJ walls prior to our wedding night. But it was still a nightmare and for years because although I am in a “developed country” many of the OB/GYNs would not listen to me. Until I started seeing my current Dr.
    So apart from the hymen there are some women who have an extra layer of muscle (talk about natural chastity belt) that can impede penetration and it has to be taken out. They can do it during a regular visit but mine was still so painful that they had to put me out and surgically take that issh out. I might still have to use dilators but I return next month for evaluation. But na wa o woman palava plenty and we still have to be fine gehss…work and compete with men for management position and still deal with all this isshhh. God help us.

  37. D

    November 26, 2014 at 11:14 pm

    True story!!! I know someone that instead of going to see the Dr. when she had cystitis, this girl begin they iron underwear (panties). Herself/her husband believed she was getting infection from her underwear although they were all washed but to kill the germs with “hot temp” lets start ironing was the solution. I told her omo go see a Dr. What is doing you is a very natural phenomenon. My Dr. told me before I got married that to avoid getting cystitis I should make sure I go (pee) right after the do, no matter what time of the day we did it. If possible I should wash too so I did and never had that problem and I have become so used to going now and washing right after even if its 2am it shall be going and it shall be washed.

    • ade

      November 27, 2014 at 9:01 am

      that wash part is not for couples looking for children o. it reduces teh chnages of conception if youhave fertility issues.

  38. VeryAngryNigerian

    November 26, 2014 at 11:16 pm

    Very unsolicited advice….please find a good gynecologist….I cannot stress it enough Ladies and Bruno.
    Finding a good gyne it’s like finding a good partner IMO, they are hard to find. But once you find them, they are the best things that could happen to a woman. And when you find them, please keep ’em. A good gyne will not be cynical about you concerns, if they are, please remove your shoes and run. Don’t go to old mean ass psychotic ones (trust me those are everywhere), you will feel like meat on a slab. Don’t go to a GP/Doctor, go to the ones who have dedicated their life to the study of uterus, cervix, ovaries, vagina etc…..

    • Owelle

      November 27, 2014 at 10:00 am

      Ladies and Bruno :D…..

  39. aybee

    November 26, 2014 at 11:17 pm

    I’m so scared right now, #Godhelpusvirgins

  40. Oyinkan

    November 26, 2014 at 11:27 pm

    I learnt so much just from reading this article. I feel like I’ve met so many strong women just from reading the comments. May all our efforts to be the ‘total’ woman never be in vain

    This is the kind of support and sharing that we women should engage in. There is so much strength in informing and empowering each other.
    Ladies: We rock

    Lets keep sharing,lets keep learning, lets keep empowering
    Girl power!

  41. adanma

    November 26, 2014 at 11:32 pm

    virgins, still keep your virginity oo. just make sure you play with yourself and stretch yourself out before you get married. it is your body! explore it by YOURSELF! it is not a sin to do so!

    • Nino

      November 27, 2014 at 4:47 pm

      I thought Masturbation (the pleasuring of self) was a sin. I partake of it by the way…
      I just ask the Lord for mercy!

  42. ivie

    November 26, 2014 at 11:41 pm

    Very interesting and educating piece @poster thanks! My experience wasn’t bad. Married as a Virgin too. DH was careful and did a lot of foreplay. We started from just the tip in *Toke makinwa’s voice * 😀
    And finally full penetration. Took us about 2 weeks to do so. I wasn’t enjoying sex as much as I do now after 2 kids (Infact am a pro lol)
    Being a woman isn’t easy oo . Hailings to every woman out there we rock!!!

    1
  43. mujer

    November 27, 2014 at 2:29 am

    I dont mean any harm but i think you are not sexually attracted to the man otherwise, your legs and parts will open and dilate on their own. You probably picked someone for a hubby who represents the results of your extensive analysis of what you want in a mate. Not always the recipe for sexual attraction.

    • Reallyhmmmmm

      November 27, 2014 at 8:14 am

      Please don’t say what you don’t know. I used to get wet fro just hugging my husband and that was before I got married. It has nothing to do with sexual attraction. Besides, the fact that we couldn’t achieve penetration doesn’t mean we didn’t experience sexual satisfaction. Like someone said above, there are other means to do so. Now, I don’t believe in oral or anal sex but fingers work too.

    • baboushka

      November 27, 2014 at 12:49 pm

      Do not dismiss the theory of sexual attraction so quickly. Sexual compatibility is very important and these are some of the things that come up during courtship personally for me the thought of kissing someone I am not sexually attracted to repulses me to the point of almost throwing up so imagine what would happen if I tried to have sex with them while just the thought of kissing someone I am sexually attracted to arouses me to no end so I think it also plays a role here.

  44. Di

    November 27, 2014 at 3:12 am

    OK STOP IT, ALL YOU VIRGINS!!!
    This article is to educate not scare you! Keep on keeping yourselves but without fears. It’s ok to welcome sexual thoughts, it’s ok to explore and familiarize yourself with your body. Buy one or two sex toys, get to know your body and it’s wants. Be open minded else you get frigid. Yes, the first sex would feel dry, a little painful and boring because you are tensed, fear drys you up and tenses your vayjay during sex. But after you lose the fear, your vayjay relaxes and you can enjoy this wonderful gift called sex, yes, it can be wonderful if you are wt the right man and no fears. Embrace the sexual creature you are. While away, have x-rated thoughts about your husbands(now/future), it helps release the fears. I had a very x-rated fantasy about my future husband today, keep your sexual mind active, it wouldn’t make you stray if you’ve got self-control.
    Relax ladies/virgins, your body was made for this.

    • Reallyhmmmmm

      November 27, 2014 at 8:19 am

      Please this is not about being a virgin or not. It is a medical condition! If I had wanted to have sex before marriage, I would have had the same issue with penetration just that I probably would have not had an understanding partner, maybe I would have been labelled frigid. Some people develop this condition after they had begun to have sex, maybe due to abuse, or an accident or some other medical condition relating to their privates. Saying ‘touch yourself’, etc is just like the doctor that said just try to relax.

    • slice

      November 29, 2014 at 1:50 pm

      the condition is more common with virgins and all the people who have spoken about having it here said they were virgins. so let’s focus on those. what she has said is true. it is a medical condition but it is in fact one of the mind. it’s not a physical condition per say. the penis can fit. relaxation is the way and for most people, it’s easier to fit something in themselves. buy a dildo, vibrator. start with just applying on the clitoris and gradually insert small ones yourself into your body

    • Que

      November 27, 2014 at 10:34 am

      This your scolding actually made me burst into laughter……Yes mummy!!!

  45. mimi

    November 27, 2014 at 3:26 am

    Thanks dear for sharing such an inspired story am a Cameroonian but a faithful reader of bellanaija

  46. Hmm...

    November 27, 2014 at 4:21 am

    Never thought I’d share this story…… Went to have a smear test and an internal contraceptive jab …….just in case; decided to break celibacy.( not a virgin, but celibate by choice for 7years+). Anyhow, the Gyne and her assistant prepped me and proceeded with the dialator for the smear….. E no enter, too big. They went with a much smaller one, went in with great great difficulty shoo…… Gyne for 15 years said I had very strong pelvic muscles : “Yah think”!!! then, wanted to go and get a more senior Gyne, because this had never happened in all her years and she does hundreds of these procedures a month. Just what I needed…. Legs spread open and 2 Gyne’s staring down my vjj! And the assistant holding my hand encouraging me to relax. NO THANKS! I said no to the second Gyne coming in, so she decided to give it another shot. Just as she expanded the dialator to inject the contraceptive…….. The dialator FLEW OUT! and smacked her in the face! I simply got up, cleaned up cos there was blood everywhere (requested a pad) wore my ‘KPATA’, carry my bag…. Waka dey go! NNAA, no be my vj oyinbo go take do trial by error, OLORUNMAJE!!! Dear God I wan marry, deliver me from celibacy, e no easy!

    • carliforniabawlar

      November 27, 2014 at 9:18 am

      😯

    • Nino

      November 27, 2014 at 4:51 pm

      LMaoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
      You haf kil me with laugh….

    • Dedun

      November 28, 2014 at 12:22 am

      lmaoooo!! comment of the day

    • OBI-TALKER

      August 12, 2015 at 10:39 am

      I cant even stop laffing thanks for making my morning.

  47. Casey

    November 27, 2014 at 4:57 am

    Omg,I am a virgin at 27 and this is scary,Thank you Bella for this article…God please bless me with an understanding husband.Amen

  48. lis. benson

    November 27, 2014 at 5:56 am

    Am a virgin…. Scared as hell….

  49. O

    November 27, 2014 at 6:10 am

    Thank you *Andrea for sharing.

  50. J

    November 27, 2014 at 6:22 am

    Oh really? So this is why I couldn’t have full penetration till almost 2 weeks after my wedding!!! I got married as a virgin as well and dated my husband for four years. You’re right , Child birth really helped and I am now an “ogbologbo

    1
    • Reallyhmmmmm

      November 27, 2014 at 8:21 am

      I apologize if it seems like I’m commenting too much. I just want people to understand this better. The natural difficulty that comes with being disvirgined is DIFFERENT from vaginimus!

    • MC

      November 27, 2014 at 2:55 pm

      I dont think some people understand that!
      Reading through the comments, most people seem to think it only effects virgins…and the older the virgin the more chance of it happening to them.

    • Idomagirl

      November 27, 2014 at 8:31 am

      LMAO @ ‘ogbologbo’…haven’t heard that in a bit…

  51. ennie

    November 27, 2014 at 7:50 am

    Dis is a very lovely post, educative I must say. I got married 3months ago ad a virgin. I’m 25. I can’t Rily say I had an honeymoon Bcos I discovered I had an infection called candidiasis. I initially tot d pain was Bcos I was newly being introduced to Sex but wt time, I knew dis can’t be normal. Iv seen several docs since den, including a gynae, taken all sorts of anti biotic, used insertion drugs n all but dis pain wldnt go. It’s like a peppery sensation but very crazy. I get to d point of shedding tears. Its so frustrating. It itches, sore and comes with painful Sex. I’m still hoping im able to conquer it by God’s grace.

    • SASSYCASSIE

      November 27, 2014 at 8:43 am

      You have serious yeast infection.Check your diet. Too much carbs, junk food, sugar can cause yeast overgrowth in the body which manifests itself in different forms. You should also stick to cotton panties and not too tight clothes so your vajayjay can breathe. You can get over the counter drugs for it .You can also try dongoyaro, lemongrass and aloe vera juice.

    • Kay Behr

      November 27, 2014 at 6:20 pm

      Is it possible that you have a sensitivity to your husband’s semen? Try having sex with a condom. If you don’t have that burning sensation, it’s a high likelihood that you are allergic to his semen

  52. bigspirit

    November 27, 2014 at 7:50 am

    Educated, chaste, confident.. where are all of u hiding?

    there is hope!

    • Lolo

      November 27, 2014 at 10:22 am

      We are here waiting for Stable,responsible,devoted!

    • Mz Socially Awkward...

      November 29, 2014 at 6:00 am

      El. Oh. El !!!!!!!!!! Oh, your response was just jackpot.

    • Idomagirl

      November 29, 2014 at 8:41 pm

      LMAO!!!!

  53. Jay

    November 27, 2014 at 9:03 am

    Im 25. A virgin. Iv dated only one person. Each time we kissed and got all frisky and stuff, i would feel this painful tightening in my Vagina walls. Iv never had oral or anal or even had anyone touch me down there. I love the idea of sex and cant wait to be married to have it. I just used to wonder if it was normal to feel pain when i got all turned on and stuff…………………..

    • Isabellaemike

      November 27, 2014 at 12:35 pm

      I’m 25 too and will be married in a few months, I also feel that very painful tightening feeling down there when thinking about hubby to be and turned on, don’t know what it means and haven’t told my fiance but hubby to be has said that our honeymoon and wedding night will be sweet, I trust him enough to marry him so I trust he will take care of me and things will go smoothly, hes my best friend and very understanding, our long distance relationship makes resisting temptation easier. Please all the celibate, virgins, and married keep yourself pure for your husband only, if you have made a mistake forgive yourself and keep yourself. Set your heels high and your standards higher. I love you all my sisters each one of us is a priceless jewel to our creator let’s not allow men that haven’t paid the price of walking us down the aisle abuse our worth. We are priceless

    • jd

      November 27, 2014 at 5:56 pm

      So wait those that decided to have sex made mistakes and should forgive themselves? Sanctimonious drivel much

  54. efe

    November 27, 2014 at 9:17 am

    This is so educative for all women and even Men.

    Really glad l stumble on this,and can share or throw more light on this with others.(fellow men and women). Knowledge is Power, lgnorance Kills

  55. oj

    November 27, 2014 at 9:17 am

    now I’m scared. women don suffer o. see what eve has caused.

    now I understand why some married women don’t like sex. i even thought that some don’t want sex becos while they were single, they were doing it and now they are tired. (ignorance is not good o). may God help me when my time comes o. I have not done “it” because I want to enjoy “it” after marriage.

    thank God for blogs like bellanaija! people/movies/romance novels make it seem like first time sex is so effortless. some ladies must have felt terrible or less of a woman when they experienced issues such as this. how many understanding men are out there, especially when most are no longer virgins, who have sown their wild oats all around! Kudos to all women!

  56. Glowing

    November 27, 2014 at 9:49 am

    Wow!!! Thanks Andrea…I should really use some of these Advice someday.
    I Appreciate the Information. Very Educative.

  57. Glowing

    November 27, 2014 at 9:51 am

    BellaNaija you usually don’t but please post my comments. Thank You.

  58. Tee

    November 27, 2014 at 10:00 am

    Wow! Thank you so much!

  59. PI

    November 27, 2014 at 10:28 am

    okay…. guys calm down., just because u are a virgin doesnt mean u have this… after all non-virgins were once virgins, abi was every one’s first time terrible. mba! my first time was so great i didnt even feel anything no blood, nothing. Enough of the fear fear.

    • Reallyhmmmm

      November 27, 2014 at 4:40 pm

      Thank you oh. I don’t know why people can’t seem to understand that vaginimus is a medical condition not a consequence of virginity.

  60. mizzy

    November 27, 2014 at 10:50 am

    dis is reli educative, women wahala plenty sha. @bruno, very funny u sha

  61. Mrs Bee

    November 27, 2014 at 11:20 am

    Thank you so much for sharing yo don’t know how much this means to me. I’ve been experiencing this for about a year .My husband has been very supportive, we’ve both done alot of research and been to see a Gynecologist . She said nothing was wrong. At some point we even started thinking there was something wrong with him. I stumbled on the Vaginismus some months ago but my husband wasn’t too sure I should try it. You’ve just given me hope. God bless you for sharing,

  62. Annonymus

    November 27, 2014 at 12:07 pm

    Thumps up to all the supportive husbands worldwide.

    I got married at 29& as a virgin. Dunno if it was my age or for whatever reason but having sex for d 1st time was terribly painful. Eventually KY jelly worked for me after many day,so I know my experience was probably easier than yours. My husband was amazingly supportive& patient all through.

    I shared d experience with a few friends& told them about KY jelly if d need arose.But I ddidn’t have the courage to share as much as you have shared.

    Thanks so much for sharing,so many ppl would find it helpful.

    Men, please be supportive of your wife if she ever finds herself in a similar situation.

    #team no sex b4 marriage.

  63. oyat

    November 27, 2014 at 12:08 pm

    Wow!! Its good to know there are more virgins out there than I thought existed! keep it up peeps, way to go!

  64. Jules

    November 27, 2014 at 12:13 pm

    All this closed VJJ and the women confessed that their husbands were supportive.. There are still good men in Nigeria and God will bless the work of your hands.. And to all those cheating idiots out there, LEARN FROM YOUR MATES!

  65. Bobosteke & Lara Bian

    November 27, 2014 at 12:14 pm

    Hello BN. Thank you.

  66. Obinna

    November 27, 2014 at 1:02 pm

    My wife was a virgin on our marriage night. I was no virgin my self. I think with women who have held on to their virginity for toooo long it becomes apart of them, kind of like an identity thing. The whole losing virginity like needs a ceremony on its own, kind of like an announcement waving a white handkerchief with a spot of blood on it the morning after.. Boring . I did not get married to my wife because of her virginity, we got married because we understood each other, we were friends for a long time. Anyway our first time was great. I had experience and she trusted me. We have a great sex life. To be honest VJJ no get meter. THERE IS NO WAY TO TELL HOW FAR OR WIDE VJJ HAS TRAVELLED. TO ME THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IS THE PERSONALITY OF THE PERSON. My 50 cents is that don’t let your vagina define you. Dont let the concept of virginity take on a personality of itself like a third person in your marriage.

    2
    • star

      November 27, 2014 at 10:28 pm

      It’s good to get a males point of view. It kinda puts things in perspective. I was a virgin bride myself. Not because of any added value but because I had a class mate die during a top, and my mother made this comment regarding her soul going to hell be cos she die kill an unborn. I swear it put the fear of God in me .sex was the last thing on my mind. When I got married I was fine 100% woman enjoy satisfying my man and myself too. It’s a great power to have. I agree with you we women are more than our private parts. Why is virginity not a standard set for men too. I did not mind that my husband wasn’t a virgin in fact I am happy he wasn’t.

  67. Annonymus

    November 27, 2014 at 2:11 pm

    hello BN,,,i always read ur stories buh i ve neva commented on any issue……2nk u so much for this post ,i am equally going tru the same experience ,i had my wed oct 25,and since then no penetration,my hubby is very proud of me for keeping this,and i seff am equally proud of myself ….buh this tightenest is reaalyn gettn me worried nt until i say ur post …2nk u so much lady,we will kip pushing….#say no to sex b4 marriage ,it really pays…..Godbless BN for this post

    • jd

      November 27, 2014 at 6:06 pm

      Was your husband a V and if not were you proud of him for not being one?

  68. MC

    November 27, 2014 at 3:03 pm

    virgins! virgins! please chill! this is not a condition solely for virgins! calm down!
    It can happen to anybody, even those that have been sexually active for 20+ years.

    • Reallyhmmmm

      November 27, 2014 at 4:52 pm

      As in, I’m tired of trying to explain. people need to do more research. Once again, it is a medical condition. It could be psychological but it is not solely psychological. The fact that I remained a virgin till I got married does not mean I hate sex, I was looking forward to it and it wasn’t easy holding back so I wasn’t holding on to my virginity psychologically. Thankfully, the condition may not be so common maybe that’s why people don’t understand it.

      For virgins who are waiting, please don’t be afraid, you don’t have vaginimus. You can read up to prepare yourself, ensure you participate in a lot of foreplay, your husband has to be patient and gentle for the first few times. Give yourselves time to understand your bodies well, chances are you won’t get pleasure the first few times, don’t sweat it. You don’t have to do all the positions the first day, take your time, you have a whole lifetime to enjoy your bodies.

      Men who are marrying virgins need to learn how to be patient. Even if you’re not a virgin, some research would do you well. Don’t expect your wife to start showing sexual prowess in the first few months, you should learn together, learn how to satisfy each other. Husbands, do not be selfish!

      For those going through vaginimus, it’s not well known but you’re not alone. Visit vaginimus.com. Research, pray, be patient. Your vagina is designed to bring forth a baby, it can stretch. Don’t give up. Pelvic muscle exercises are important too. God bless our homes.

  69. L

    November 27, 2014 at 4:30 pm

    I am glad that I get to read from everyone and learn. I am also a virgin and I know God will see me through.

  70. Osuwake

    November 27, 2014 at 5:36 pm

    Nice

  71. Beez

    November 27, 2014 at 5:43 pm

    Please who knows and can refer a very good gynaecologist. My VJJ has been itching for a while now. and I haven’t had sex in over two years. Could it be cystitis, abi wetin una dey call am?

  72. Siba

    November 27, 2014 at 6:19 pm

    Thank you for all the advise.there are some people who you can tell know exactly what they are talking about and some up in here that just want to argue a baseless point. It’s obvious whose just gassing . Anyway I am expecting my first in January. I have done my research . First labour takes longer . Getting to labour which is 4cm can be painful and very long. And most importantly mobilisation helps the babies head to come down, encourages the contractions . Very painful. I am opened to pain relief options. Only my husband is allowed in to the labour room so I can traumatised him for getting me here lol. No negative Aunty for me please. My ambience has to be calming and positive energy. Keep up the good work bella, most of the comments in here are at most entertaining while a few are informative.

  73. FreakingOut

    November 27, 2014 at 7:51 pm

    Wow!!!!!!!!! I’m officially scared and panicking right now! I’m 28, never had sex and I have always said I will wait until after I’m wedded, a soji fine babe, but with my morals intact, I still won’t change my mind for anything in the world even if this story scares me…. I have never been able to wear tampons, the one time I tried, I had my big Sis help me, but no freaking way, it couldn’t get in and I kept screaming cause I was in pain, another time I was treated at the hospital, I had to insert tabs in my VJJ, it only managed to stay at the edge 3 times out of 6 and at another time when they needed to take a swab at the hospital for a test, it took ages for the nurse to do it, and she exclaimed, “You are too tight o!” plus I have low tolerance for pain…. I’m officially freaking out right about now… To the poster, I’m delighted you have a very understanding husband and he stood by you all through…. how many men can?…. and it impresses me that you went all out to get the dilators (never heard of it), and tried as much as possible to rectify the situation, I’m a confident, go-for-it, all out babe, but do I have the courage to do what you did to resolve the situation?… I’m starting to doubt….

  74. Tolu

    November 27, 2014 at 10:57 pm

    So many ladies on this blog talking about their virginity non about brains or other achievements. No wonder so many find it hard to give it up its just becos their virginity is their totality. And for those of you who find it hard to enjoy sex even with your own husbands please , don’t you no that a painkiller before sex can help you relax even wine or cheap ogogoro. It’s a no brainer. Virginity is a normal state of being for some people, you don’t get a round of applause for not sleeping around so pack it in already. You are not some kind of rare gem. The diference is that most people keep it private whilst others blag about their private parts like gist.abeg Joor.

    • Que

      November 28, 2014 at 8:45 am

      Clearly your brain hasnt served you well. Miss Achiever…cos if it has you would realise that the nature of this discourse doesnt exactly call for dishing about academic and professional achievements! What in hell is wrong with you miss brainy? How does their status affect your reasoning and living
      ? If it makes some people happy …what is it to you?

      So by your calculation, every one who mentions being happy about virginity automatically isnt happy about anything else? Did anybody give you a standing ovation after shagging Johnny?….whats with this talk of you dont get a round of applause’…’you dont get an awars’…yada yada yada…. did they tell you they were doing it for your lame ass recognition??…. ‘My friend….park well! If your achievements havent given you usefulness to offer to others, in spite of ALL your experience, thats your problem! Do not inflict the public with it!

      1
    • oj

      November 28, 2014 at 2:47 pm

      That u couldn’t keep urs doesn’t mean u should insult others who have kept theirs. it’s really hard to keep one’s virginity in this world that is sex-crazy.

    • Idomagirl

      November 29, 2014 at 8:46 pm

      If you weren’t so bitter and angry for whatever reason, you would have noticed that this post is centered on the topic of virginity and having sex for the first time, which is exactly why there are ‘so many ladies on this blog talking about their virginity’. Please have several seats.

  75. Dele

    November 28, 2014 at 5:26 am

    So to marry Virgin contain all this palaver a beg carry go. I don’t need no jailhousepussy. My thing is not chisel and hammer. From now on the first thing I will ask is are you a virgin. If you are bye bye.

    • oj

      November 28, 2014 at 2:48 pm

      oga, who beg u?

    • ima

      December 2, 2014 at 12:04 pm

      why will u say bye bye wen it took a real man like u to dis v other ladies?or aint u one?

  76. Taiwo

    November 28, 2014 at 6:10 am

    Andrea your article is interesting becos I believe it highlights the importance of getting a debrief from your gynea following what for you was a traumatic experience. I don’t know were to begin but I think some educative and may I add unsympathetic comments here have answered your query . If your gynea apologised it’s not becos he agreed with your self diagnosis it’s just him exercising the good bed side manners of a doctor. Everything you described concerning your labour is textbook . A few first labours are quick and painless. You are lucky you had a good team who had the patience to see you through a vaginal delivery. I will try and address two issues here
    Cervix: from reading your article I see that your cervix dilated fully. So you have no problems with your cervix .
    Vagina: your vagina walls expand and then come back to normal. To be honest 6weeks after birth your partner should not feel any difference in the feel of your vagina. Correct me if I misinterpret you but if what you describe postpartum is loose vaginal muscles after just one child then I am obliged to advise you to see your gynea. Dear Andrea the only reason you could successfully sue your gyne is if you had requested a c/section due to psychological reasons as you had no physical reason for needing one. In Britain some NHS doctors might refuse as the NHS is public funded and therefore care is prioritized. Some will send you for a psych review before agreeing for a c/s. C/sections are full of complications and if anything goes wrong you could successfully sue a doctor especially were c/s is not indicated. Some private hospitals were you pay for your care would happily agree to a c/s. Becos you are paying them mega box.
    I hope I have been able to debrief you. You had good standard care, of international quality in Nigeria. Enjoy your baby and husband GOODLUCK

    • bellafan

      December 5, 2014 at 11:38 am

      Did you read the article at all. She didnt have loose vagina muscles post partum. her vagina had narrowed again, the doctor inserted a speculum first and told her to start using her dilators so her vagina doesnt shrink and she doesn’t have difficulty having sex when shes ready.

  77. christiana

    November 28, 2014 at 2:45 pm

    Nice and scary…i sure do worry about sex when I get married..

  78. BN please!

    December 1, 2014 at 3:39 pm

    BN please get a Gynae to write about all this ooo. I have to admit I got scared with all I’ve read!
    Staying chaste is a choice, A good one that requires all ur strength.

  79. Tessa Doghor

    December 2, 2014 at 10:52 am

    Happy for you

    So many things to worry about
    Thank God for perfection jare
    Don’t worry, pray.

  80. editor

    December 3, 2014 at 12:29 am

    woooooow

  81. Sa.....

    December 18, 2014 at 5:06 am

    As a male in my mid-twenties, I find this article very educative. Particularly, about Vaginismus (which I have never heard of before). I’m also inspired by most of the comments here on how husbands of women going through Vaginismus or ‘first time difficulties’ could be supportive. I’m in a serious relationship, and what I learnt from the comments is that most ‘intact’ females are unconsciously building up fear for when they eventually have sex. My GF (who is also ‘intact’ as me) is also doing this, that most times when we talk about sex, she is worried (rather scared) about the first time. I think it’s because she’s heard stories from her Sister and Friends about their first time. I think is important not to think it through; be spontaneous and listen to other people’s experiences for educative purpose only lest you help yourself develop Genophobia.

  82. JASMINE

    May 29, 2016 at 3:22 pm

    PLZ HELP ME OUT…AFTER MARRIAGE UP TO DAYS COMFORTABLY WE HAD A SEX WITH A VERY LITTLE PAIN LATER ON AS WE BOTH ARE WORKING AT DIFFERENT PLACES WE MET AFTER DAYS,AND WHILE HE TRIED TO INSERT I HAD A SEVERE PAIN THAT I UNABLE TO BEAR,AND MY VAGINA BECOME SWOLLEN AND RED AND ALSO FEELING INFLAMMATION WHILE INSERTION AND AFTER TOOSO WE ARE UNABLE TO DO SEX AT ALL..WHY IS IT SO???PLZ HELP ME OUT??IS ANYTHING WRONG WITH ME??

  83. Pearl

    December 1, 2016 at 2:30 pm

    Please I am in similar situation. I’ve been married for 3 months now yet I haven’t had penetrative sex with my hubby. Tho we do oral and other crazy stuff? but I’m getting frustrated here. My hubby has been very supportive But it’s just me feeling awkward plus I want to have kids soonest. someone should suggest a good gynaecologist in Lagos & also where i can get a dilator in Lagos. Seems it’s only abroad. Preferably around the Island or Ajah axis. Thanks

  84. D

    January 3, 2017 at 8:27 am

    2 or 3 months ? Hah. 26 months and counting… the days until our implosion. Marriage counseling session in a week… this won’t be fun.

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