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Aunty Bella: Mrs. Temptations

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Aunty Bella is our agony aunt column on BellaNaija. We launched this column in the early days of BN and periodically feature issues sent in by BN readers. We hope the BN family can offer insightful advice as well.

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Recently I watched a movie “Temptations ” by Tyler Perry, and I could see my life been put on screen, maybe not all.

I came from an averagely strict family where you are not allowed to date until 18, which I really never had a problem with, I could describe myself an a bit above average lady physically, growing up I knew I was getting a lot more attention from guys, men, etc. but I always encouraged myself that I wasn’t ready for all that all through my teenage years and it worked out well, and I felt I could keep myself for my future husband too.

I met my first guy at the age of 17, but he had to leave the country for his post grad. It was an innocent relationship and after (2.5 years) of he being out of the country he got tired and broke up with me, I was hurt but by this time I learnt to build a hard shield around me when it comes to love and men.

At 21 I met this new guy, oh my goodness I still believe this guy had a manipulative power we used on me, initially I wasn’t going to give in to him regarding dating, but looking back now I realised he was a “smooth operator”, he agreed we become just friends and he was ok with that, I felt like I was in Heaven having a very handsome man, wealthy and godly all in one and he is just going to be hanging out with me whenever I want without asking for anything in return, and not seeing any other lady by the side too, I sure was living the life. A year into this so called friendship, I had to travel out for my post grad and my “Friend from heaven” helped pay up my tuition, and paid for an awesome studio apartment with monthly allowance too.

I was really happy. Just few weeks before I left, I decided to visit my friend at home as I have always done and decided to sleep over (first time), Mr. Smooth allowed me sleep in the guest room without wahala. I got extra comfortable and decided to spend another night, and since that night my life till now never remained the same.

I gave in to him after him telling me how long he has waited; can’t I see he loves me and how we will be together forever? I tried to resist but I was too weak. Everyday till I left we had it- atimes more than twice a day. I told all types of lies to sleep over at his place. I kept convincing myself I was traveling and by the next time we meet I will have a better hold on myself. Oh I lied! I was addicted to him. To make matters worse we used to see often – either he travels in or I am in Nigeria most times camping with him. I later realised he was a BIG CHEAT; all those times I thought he was waiting he was actually cheating and I didn’t even know if I was a side chick at that point, I kept accusing him and Mr. Smooth kept denying.

After (3) years I made sure he wasn’t paying for my accommodation at this time or monthly allowances, I tried to cut him off, but it was so difficult. I was totally and helplessly in Love/Lust! I woke one day spoke to myself and gradually cut off ties with him and he didn’t even bother going the extra mile trying to mend the relationship. I was broken and I got back on my feet, got a great job and found someone new. It got to a stage when I recall Mr. Smooth I was filled with anger. He tried coming back but I didn’t allow him, I got married and was so happy.

Now Mr. Smooth is back – telling me how he made a mistake and wants to get married. I told him that I have been married for over 2 years now; I told him how I love my husband and would never divorce. But I get bored in my marriage and tend to think of Mr. Smooth. We even agreed to meet in an entirely different city. Sincerely I just thought meeting him would be a mockery at him, so he can see how good I turned out and I never stopped speaking of my husband. I lied again to myself. It was all hugs, kissing and almost making love again.

Watching the “Temptation” movie to the end, has jolted me back to reality. It’s over a year we met and I have tried not to communicate with him ever since. I still think of him every single time. I pray to God to help me erase him from my memory but it’s not working. I try to think of the bad things he did so I can atleast hate him, that works for just a short while. Lord help me, it hasn’t been easy.

I’m sorry for the really long post and typos, but I would sincerely like to read comments of where and how I went wrong.
Photo Credit: Dreamstime | Oscar Williams

65 Comments

  1. HAWTTALKWITHTOSAN

    January 8, 2015 at 9:11 pm

    Babe you will get lots of insults here but truth be told married women too get tempted. If you love your husband and love your life; do not ever communicate with him again. You should not have gone the first time. If he continues to haunt you then I think you are not in love with your husband and not happy with your life. Question is will you be happy with Mr. Smooth?

    • Jo!

      January 9, 2015 at 12:28 pm

      Hunnay!!!!!
      YOu’ve been DICKmatized

    • classy nicki

      January 21, 2015 at 8:17 pm

      Lmaoooo

    • D Main Man

      January 9, 2015 at 1:41 pm

      Dear worried lady,

      Firstly: You didnt tell us if this guy is married or not, if he is married, you are married, and still doing this then you are now a problem to your fellow woman ( the man’s wife). That alone is enough for you to cherish your husband and enjoy your home…bkoz i don’t know if you can stand the shame of another woman calling you husband snatcher…or doing worst things to you.
      with this alone you steer clear off the man.

      Secondly: If this guy is still not married and from what i can deduce he is around early 40’s or late 40’s, its means that Mr Man is just a good for nutin man…a devious one.

      Thirdly: Check your VJJ(V*******NA) it looks like this guy is mr endowed and a porn stars, knows how to do it to you than any other person even your husband that your VJJ feels couth and rejuvenated.

      Fourthly: and even after you gone faraway just as you thought you are now an accomplished women that has achieved, just for you to come to him again to see that he has achieved Ten folds of what you and your husband couldn’t achieve and now self-guilt of why did i leave the first place.

      SUMMARY-SOLUTION.
      Dont you have kids? you didn’t tell us, kids make marriage grow fonder.
      I want to believe that you have a hyper active VJJ but Forget that man, I don’t know if you know your husband has your interest at heart when compared to this good for nutin man, if the Mr Man, had wanted you, he would have proposed to you earlier… Now he’s back again what does he have to offer if not a great sex and worldly gifts( Are you not tired of presents are you a kid) it boils down to sex which you can talk to your husband for an improvement”’watch romantic films with him, Tell him how great you feel when he goes down on you (Oral Sex) and all your type of SEXCAPADES..

      Join a Church organization like Bible study group.. then find an elderly woman that is Godly i mean Godly woman to consel you and she keeps checking up on you:. not a woman to spread your story oh.

      AND PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE READ YOUR BIBLE…i bet you haven’t opened that book for ages.
      There is peace if God is in you. GOD IS LOVE.
      REV. RUN-DMC

    • D Main Man

      January 9, 2015 at 1:51 pm

      OKAY SORRY JUST SAW IT NOW..HE WANTS TO GET MARRIED. well well it still boils down to who do you really love, obviously you love this man like hell bkoz your mind is made up, do you have kids…if you do. thats the problem, when the grow up they will hear how their mum left the dad and jets out with another man….AND YOUR HUSBAND WILL NEVER FORGIVE YOU. Chei you wan rubbish this your husband oh…BKOX your mind is fixed to this guy….. Na wa o. which kind life.

      Now Mr. Smooth is back – telling me how he made a mistake and wants to get married. I told
      him that I have been married for over 2 years now; I told him how I love my husband and would never divorce. But I get bored in my marriage and tend to think of Mr. Smooth. We even agreed to meet in an entirely different city.

  2. ada

    January 8, 2015 at 9:22 pm

    Hi dear…it seems you want attention or there is something ur missing in your marraige..Marraige is not been selfish, you owe it to your husband and God to be faithful.;dont start what will complicate your life..short term satisfaction does not mean anything unlike long term..instead of trying to deceive your self that you can resist your Mr Smooth., flee-bible talk am..any honestly any man that wants to be with a married woman is highly questionable..

    • Pat

      January 9, 2015 at 4:44 am

      “any man that wants to be with a married woman is highly questionable..” GBAM! Guide your marriage from this man/destruction. Also, don’t throw away your self respect and the respect u and Mr Smooth should have for a marriage.

  3. Thatgidigirl

    January 8, 2015 at 9:33 pm

    Isio’s post last week-” The bitterness of a bad decision remains long after the sweetness of its seduction”. Mr Smooth is a Joy thief, and you my dear will be casting your pearls to a swine if you continue like this. You need to keep reminding yourself about your husband’s good attributes and try to fall in love with him all over again. Its not worth it oooo!

    • Hadassah

      January 9, 2015 at 9:13 pm

      My dear I so concur!
      Hmmm…. I had one like that tooo
      #joy-thief
      It is like He has one devil sensor..When am happiest the most is when he would come back and say stories for the gods of how he missed me.. blah blah and mehn He was smooth
      But I had to be practical with myself…. He would most likely not change…. I had to give myself brain, CUT HIM OFF and move on with my life
      Please, this guy isnt worth your marriage (I assume you are happy).. Yes, you might get bored but just try and look for avenues to spices things up with your hubby *biko*
      Trust me, There is a high possibility that If you eventually leave your hubby for him… It is just a matter of time.. He might leave you too
      *mytwocents*

  4. jennietobbie

    January 8, 2015 at 9:35 pm

    Temptation saving lives since Tyler Perry. I LOVE that movie!!

    For the young woman: Darling, “comparison is the thief of joy.” Move on. Don’t trip over a past. Forgive yourself and work on your marriage. Goodluck to you.

    • RIFF RAFF

      January 9, 2015 at 8:42 am

      I love u dearie. I’ll say repeat this same advice to one acquaintance of mine going thru a bitter heartbreak.

  5. me

    January 8, 2015 at 9:37 pm

    Ode.

  6. Berry Dakara

    January 8, 2015 at 9:37 pm

    RUN!

    RUN FAR AWAY!

    IN FACT, JUST FLEE!

  7. Neo

    January 8, 2015 at 9:41 pm

    Never trade in what you need long term for what you want right now. You don’t need any advice you don’t already know, dude is bad for you whether you are single or married. What you need to do is to respect yourself enough to know you deserve better than Mr Smooth. If it’s the sex, read up more and spice things up with your husband. Cut that emotional leech off!

  8. springsteps

    January 8, 2015 at 9:48 pm

    Babe YOU must guard your heart, your marriage and your family with all DILIGENCE for out of it will flow the issues worse than the movie temptations from it.

    Block his number as you have done succesfully in the past. Take calculated steps to rekindle your love with your husband. Spend the down time you use in thinking abt mr smooth to find ways back to your husbands heart.

    Wisdom is profitable to direct. You must make a CONSCIOUS EFFORT and not be PASSIVE. You sound like your head is in d right place…… now u must find ways to put your heart in same.

    mr smooth will take the little u have built in 2yrs ans throw it away like he did in the past. Recall that he never made any effort when u walked away before. SHINE YOUR EYE OH

  9. Golden Geh

    January 8, 2015 at 9:50 pm

    Okafors law at work. That dude will be your doom if you give in

    • iyke

      January 8, 2015 at 11:35 pm

      lol @ Okafor’s law …
      Hmmmm, this aching heart of yours is singing, ‘Lover come back to me’.
      Sweetheart, I see a big hole in the bed where you slept.
      Ok, let me tell you, there is absolutely nothing wrong in what you are going through. It is quite natural to yearn for a past lover, particularly if the original relationship was reciprocal and fulfilling. What you are experiencing with your ex is a perfect example of what I call a romantic love affair which could be seen from the level of profound care, genuine reciprocity and intense desire that both of you shared. This, of course cannot be easily erased.
      You know that what you share with your husband is not as strong and romantic as what you had with your ex. That’s where the problem is. Yes, all the suggestions/advice by contributors here are all valid to some extent. No doubt, the feelings for your ex are more likely to fade if you do what they suggested, but you and I know that they can make an impressive comeback in appropriate circumstances. Why? Because when a romantic relationship ends not because of romantic reasons, but due to nonromantic external circumstances, it leaves the relationship unresolved, in a state of unfinished business. And like other such unfinished affairs, this heightens the level of emotional intensity, since there are various options that might have evolved.
      My suggestion: First , you should open up to your husband.Both of you should seek for a professional help.You can’t do it alone. You are stuck. You may not see your ex again, but the thoughts and memories will forever live in your sub-conscious.It would have been a different case if the parting was due to lack of love, which will make the prospects of a reunion very slim.
      I hope this helps a little.

    • deb

      January 9, 2015 at 10:16 am

      i think its more of a mind over matter thing. the more she thinks about her past lover, the more intensely she’ll yearn for him, especially if she feels bored in her marriage.

      to the author, how did you meet your husband? can you remember? take time each day to reminisce on your beginnings with the man that became your husband, every detail of it (we women are good at this). start small but grow with it. then every time thoughts of your past lover come up, think about your husband and remind yourself of your beginnings with him and the reasons why you chose to marry him. if there have been any significant changes, talk to your husband about them, keep it simple and honest, and work things out with him.

      if you truly have loved your husband from the beginning and he has loved you back, you’ll find that with time your past lover will fade away from your heart, and so will any other man that comes your way afterwards.

      i can say this because it happened to me.

    • Tosin

      January 9, 2015 at 12:57 am

      What is Okafor’s law? Seen it somewhere before…

    • Ann

      January 9, 2015 at 10:23 am

      hehehhehehehhehehhee, something about ‘a thirst once quenched by Mr A can be re quenched again by him if time is not taken’ thats the only decent way i can explain it, google is indeed your best friend, oh there is even a formular for Okafors law!

    • adelegirl

      January 9, 2015 at 12:05 pm

      Also known as “once de be, always de be” – yoruba language.

    • APK

      January 9, 2015 at 12:55 pm

      C1 + P = C∞
      It states that once a Congo has been shined once (C1) , it can always be shined (C∞ ) provided it was shined properly ( P) the previous times.

      In scientific circles, opinion is divided as to whether it is actually a law or just a hypothesis. There is a large body of evidence to suggest that it is a law but there are others who think it is merely a hypothesis and does not take into account other variables such as M (marital status), O (opportunity) and F (Financial status) of either one or both of the parties.

      Source- NairaLand

    • Miss_Flygerian

      January 9, 2015 at 1:08 pm

      Okafor’s law means that if you did a good job with a girl ( both in and out of the bedroom), you will always have the key to her lock, no matter the situation (whether she’s single or married). The idea is that once you’ve had good, mind-blowing sex with her (as well as performed other romantic duties), she will never be able to resist you.

      As my yoruba friends will say, “once debe, forever debe”

  10. moni

    January 8, 2015 at 9:52 pm

    Definitely avoid communicating with him. I don’t believe or equate you think of him to not loving your husband. I think you went to your last meeting wanting closure. I believe you will have to find closure on your own. Stop think in the lines of what ifs … because guess what the reason you broke up with him are still a thing of the present. You have to reconcile within yourself that you have made the best decision by choosing your husband, and try mending the issues that is causing you to escape into your thought and think of him. I wish you luck.

  11. ivie

    January 8, 2015 at 10:06 pm

    Please flee every appearance of evil. Work on things that will bring back the spark in your marriage. i feel the 2nd and 3rd year in marriage can be cumbersome . Don’t worry ,with time patience,love and everything spicy you will get going again. Stop communicating with Mr smooth it wont help you forget about him. Wishing you grace and strength to overcome .

  12. @edDREAMZ

    January 8, 2015 at 10:21 pm

    a.k.a EDWIN CHINEDU AZUBUKO said…
    .
    Serious matter….
    .
    .
    ***CURRENTLY IN JUPITER***

  13. Deroine

    January 8, 2015 at 10:51 pm

    No judgement here at all, there is never a need to act holier than thou in cases like this. Two days ago, I came across a bible verse:” Stolen waters are sweet and bread eaten in secret is pleasant” I even went to google the meaning, took me two hours to finally get an understanding because I did not want to misinterpret it even if it seems so clear. This verse made me think about my life and the choices I have made, secret affairs are thrilling and all but man I tell you , the consequences are grave. It is not worth it. Matter of fact just read Proverbs ch 7. Good Luck!

    • Derioine

      January 9, 2015 at 1:45 am

      Sorry guys I meant proverbs 9 but then I checked out chap 7……..not far from my point.

    • chu girl

      January 9, 2015 at 2:52 pm

      you have spoken well……. true words of wisdom

  14. omoade

    January 8, 2015 at 10:59 pm

    Goodevening everyone please how do you get to write to aunty Bella using this platform? Looking forward to a response.

    • adelegirl

      January 9, 2015 at 12:14 pm

      Try sending an email to [email protected] with the subject – AUNTY BELLA.

  15. blaqy

    January 8, 2015 at 11:20 pm

    if u love ur husband…pls sis dnt look back…remember u cnt eat ur cake and have it back

  16. Dr. N

    January 8, 2015 at 11:20 pm

    There is a verse in the bible that talks about d 7 sons of sceva who tried to do what Paul had been doing n suffered for it. I don’t see how u can overcome this temptation on your own. He lives in your thoughts and imagination. Doesn’t matter if u cut off communication, u keep thinking about him. That means hubby only has to offend u n u’ll run to him.
    U know what? U need to CRY out for help. Get a mentor, a godly woman in her 40s to 50s to hold your hand and walk u thru. Pray with her and start a bible study with her. There u will find grace to dig yourself out. In case u r considering telling oga. Bad idea. Till u overcome or if d guy becomes a threat. Except u married an angel of course.
    All d best

    • Tosh

      January 9, 2015 at 8:25 am

      Amen to that…..and here’s what I want to add…..remember that you slept with Mr Smooth, so you are spiritual bound to him….and it is an ungodly soul tie…you need to pray and cut off that tie……

    • tolu

      January 9, 2015 at 10:19 am

      well said, u nailed Dr N

    • jhennique

      January 9, 2015 at 10:53 am

      dear Dr N, its never a bad idea to talk to your companion about something you cant fight alone. its not like you plan to cheat wuith this guy. your husband will see your sincerity and together you will work thru this. it will build up the trust in your marriage

  17. Open Sesame

    January 8, 2015 at 11:23 pm

    You have a soul tie with this guy hon and until you cut off that tie, no amount of decisions, resolutions or otherwise would work effectively.

    YouTube ‘Breaking wrong soul ties’ by Terri Savelle Foy to find out what to do. Or get her book called ‘Untangle’. I think it’ll help.

    All the best.

    • Babe

      January 9, 2015 at 2:09 am

      I agree. This is a soul tie most likely caused because he is your first sexual experience. You need the help of the Holy Spirit to overcome. You also need to tell yourself that you have chosen well (your husband) and you need to love yourself regardless of him or anyone else. God will help you.

    • Mrs Temptation

      January 9, 2015 at 6:38 pm

      Thank you, I have been listening to her on YouTube since you suggested yesterday.

    • Open Sesame

      January 9, 2015 at 8:02 pm

      You’re welcome hon. x

  18. fiya

    January 8, 2015 at 11:30 pm

    That “80, 20 rule”…..nne u got 80% at home (ur husband). What the hell u want with 20% (Mr Smooth).

  19. Funmilola

    January 8, 2015 at 11:37 pm

    Let everything that reminds you of Mr. smoothie go…….simply delete him by focusing on yourself and hubby. I know married women face temptations too especially from past lovers but when they think of their family,they get back on track.
    Be wise and ask God for help.

  20. arya stark

    January 8, 2015 at 11:43 pm

    You asked for what and how you went wrong. Let me break it down for you.
    1. You were collecting stuffs from a man with the assumption that he will not want something in return. In situations like this, nothing goes for nothing. And Mr. smooth has been using this trick on you for many years now.
    2. You never forgave Mr. smooth after he didn’t try to fight for you back when you cut ties with him. The anger grew so much in your heart that you plotted your revenge which was to get a better job, pay your own bills and meet a good man. You didn’t do these things for yourself. You did it for Mr. smooth so that one day he will see just how successful you’ve become and that you’ve moved on.
    3. That in itself was your revenge hence you decided to go and meet him again just to show off only to realize that you never stopped loving him or lusting after him.

    What you have done.
    1. Giving Mr.smooth bragging right- afterall he’s having you while you’re married.
    2. Mr smooth cannot and will not want to be with you. Why? You cannot be trusted. He will not marry you knowing you might also cheat on him. Clearly he knows marriage means nothing much to you. (Sorry for the brutal honesty).
    3. Mocked your husband.

    What you need to do.
    1. Ask God for forgiveness. Don;t confess to your husband…at least not now.
    2. Find ways to cut communication from Mr.smooth and focus on your man.
    Did you deliberately marry a boring man or your marriage got boring? What excites you? Get your husband involved in those activities.
    3. Use this opportunity to get to know your husband and fall in love with him (again).

    I’m sure there are more things you can do but these are the ones that popped into my head. You need to forget this Mr. smooth if not he will destroy you and guess what? You have more to lose that he does.

    • adelegirl

      January 9, 2015 at 12:07 pm

      Best comment I have read on this post – totally agree. Couldn’t have said (typed) it any better

    • Que

      January 9, 2015 at 2:13 pm

      I kept reading the comments downward wondering when someone will actually answer the questions she dropped at the end…. you have done so nicely.

    • Mrs Temptation

      January 9, 2015 at 6:36 pm

      Thanks a lot!
      I quite agree I must have gone wrong to be in such mess. I grew up trying to be perfect, first perfect child, perfect girl friend. I entered the relationship with Mr. Smooth with the intention to be married to him. I never thought we would be apart, I never wanted to experience any sexual relationship with anyone else to avoid comparison, at some stage I suggested we quit the sexual part and just date responsibly till we get married (I omitted this part), that was the major crack in the relationship because he started acting up, and I realised he might actually just be in the relationship just for my body, this got me mad together with the fact he was cheating too, hence the plan to break up with him.

      I wasn’t solely dependent on him at any point, I could afford or rather get to pay my bills from my parents while I was still studying, but he always wanted the best places, and things for me and I felt why not if not, atleast we are dating.

      One thing he does is he keeps reminding me he was my first love (whatever that is), and It will be terrible of me to forget about him and so many other craps!

      I am ashamed of myself, I could never believe I could ever be so attached to Mr. Smooth, I have prayed and still praying.

      Thank you all, for the response, it’s a struggle and I believe I would get out of it soon.

    • hmmmm

      January 13, 2015 at 1:01 pm

      My dear! God is your strength. As hard as it is difficult for me to admit, I have/had almost fallen for such temptation with an “ex” but held myself back because of the fear of HIV/AIDS (as I believe the said “ex” is a player just like you described your ex and told him I didn’t want to replay the movie-temptations with my life), the fear of God and not wanting to hurt the hubby.
      I think my marriage is boring most times but it actually takes two to create the excitement and I’m trying to work on it.
      Biko, for the love of God and your hubby, desist from this guy and check your health status if you have had any sexual relations with this guy after you got married so that you and your hubby can be safe.
      I kinda agree with the advise of speaking to an older spiritual woman though I haven’t done so because I could be secretive and have the fear of another person ‘knowing’ my story. I’m currently battling this situation on my knees with my maker to help me.
      Lastly, start by minimizing your interactions with your ex and plan activities with your hubby on free days when you are tempted to see the ex; and slowly cut off all ties for your peace of mind.
      God will help us. amen.

    • PleaseReadThis

      January 11, 2015 at 2:01 am

      you said did you deliberately marry a boring man… this statement makes me think. btw i love your reply but i want to use this avenue to tell my story….

      where do i start from. im a 22 year old girl. turned 22 this year. im not in a relationship. now this doesnt bother me cause i am more concerned about meeting a man who understands me and who i understand and who gives me peace and this man later becoming my husband. if i cant have that i dont see why i should get married… i havent been in a relationship in about 3 years. my 2nd and best/happiest relationship ended because of this temptation issue and well i wasnt sure if i should have gone back begging him cause we had other issues and i wasnt even suppose to date in uni and that too added to the problems we had so i walked away, Now homeboy is married. im happy for him. i have moved on…

      my problem is my parents. everyday is a reason to talk about marriage. you wake up in the morning. marriage. lunch marriage dinner marriage…everything marriage. to make matters worse a family friend has liked me for about 3 years now and my parents know about it. they wont let me rest. i decided to be friendly with him late 2013 when my mother succeeded in persuading me just to go out with him and see how things go. now i know we have nothing in common but because homeboy is smart and has said he wants to marry me my mother wont let me be, she comes one day to say God revealed to her that homeboy is my husband. the next day she’ll tell me horrid stories of people who are 40 not married and unhappy. the next minute its about how people dont marry for love. u grow to love someone, a woman doesnt love a man a man loves a woman and a woman accepts his love because an unmarried woman is an unfulfilled woman in d eyes of man and God, all men are useless just pick one bla bla… just all sorts of horrid stories, i have cried myself to sleep. cried into prayers. begged God to let me love homeboy but nothing has changed. he just doesnt understand me. he says the most awkward things at the wrong time. its not like hes a bad person but we dont connect in any way. he makes efforts yes but those efforts dont go anywhere….

      i often wonder what my parents see in him. i guess my dad supports whatever my mum does. so that explains his side. but i dont know what my mum sees in homeboy. hes not rich. his family isnt rich either. hes just a normal comfortable guy. what he does have going for him is that he is smart. my family isnt poor or rich. we live a very comfortable life. i think my mums fear is that i will end up alone so she feels the first person who shows interest in me i must end up with. what baffles me is how she insists that he is GODs plan for me. that he is my God ordained husband and if i leave him i will regret it all my life. her words really scare me. i dont know what step to take. i have stopped talking to homeboy for a while now. hes still sending texts and stuff. i have told him we can only be friends. my mother comes to my room everynight to ask about him and encourage me to date him… i need help from u aunty bella/BN readers, is it true one does not marry for love. why does one choose to marry a man, should i continue to date homeboy or should i walk away, how can i walk away, how do i explain to my mum how i feel. i have tried explaining to her several times but she begins to shout that when they speak to a child and she doesnt listen it is what she sees she sees, she claims its not because she knows d family that shes encouraging me to date him, she also claims shes not forcing me to date him but if i have a date with another boy and i tell her about it she starts to discourage my date with the other guy or looks for a way to make sure i dont make it. come to think of it she was the one who disouraged me from trying to get back with my university boyfriend(the one i spoke about earlier) when i finished from university cause by that time she had noticed that homeboy had started putting moves on me

      this whole situation made me depressed over the past month. i am currently unemployed as i am about to end my youth service and my mum has her own business so shes in control of her time. so i am stuck at home with her all day talking about marriage. at this point im not interested in dating anymore. im actually tired of life. i have come to realize that life itself has no meaning at all. i look forward to only one thing having kids but at this point i begin to wonder if it is worth it since i am most likely going to end up with a man i dont love in a life i hate. please i need advice and reassurance. THANK YOU.

    • f.n nwapa

      January 12, 2015 at 9:46 pm

      I never understand people who allow other people -friends, patents pressure them. You are 22- way too young for your parents to be on your neck. look at your mother and say these words to her. “I am an adult and will handle my life from now on. As much as I love you, you are not helping, you are pushing me away and i’m not sure how much more I can take.”
      when you say these word you have to mean it. tel her you mean and will not tell her again.
      After that make any decisions about your love life on your own. and yes please marry for love (he loves you) can’t you see all these scary stories on blogs?
      Take care and be with the one who treats you like a princess

  21. Tosin

    January 9, 2015 at 12:56 am

    I don’t deal in Tyler Perry.
    Have a blessed, AND FUN, year 2015.
    Read my book lifelib.blogspot.com/2015/01/three-sisters.html
    Seriously.

    • Dee

      January 9, 2015 at 1:39 pm

      Look at you.

      You had to say you don’t “deal” in another creative’s work but you want to plug your own work here?

      Jeez! How about I don’t deal in Tosin.

    • Tosin

      January 9, 2015 at 4:20 pm

      I still do not deal in Tyler Perry though.
      What can I say?
      I must like Tyler Perry’s insipid work because he’s a creative?

    • Tosin

      January 9, 2015 at 4:21 pm

      love you tho.
      gat the fire!
      🙂

  22. Lilola

    January 9, 2015 at 1:24 am

    First of all, just now that a lot of women are not judging you (Me included). However, you have a husband and you need to consider if it is worth risking what you have to get Mr. Smooth. Also, you know what they say, you usually lose a man the same way you get him, so dont be suprised if he dumps you soon after you choose him.

    Good luck dear.

  23. Temzit

    January 9, 2015 at 4:29 am

    Have you thought that maybe he is back to take his pound of flesh? Some powerful men don’t believe was initially naive girl they groomed can move on without them. Please be wise. He will have his way with you get tired and drop faster than potato fries.

  24. Ralph (askralphblog)

    January 9, 2015 at 8:40 am

    I really think you need to talk to your husband and express the things you miss in your relationship. You have something good in front of you, so why not just hold on to it. Trying to show the other guy, this Mr smooth that you have gotten over him is just a clear sign that you haven’t. He knows he still has a power over you and you cannot afford to allow him do that to you. Take control of your life and your family. If you have kids then you have more to loose. Look for those things that you enjoy that are missing from your relationship and try to introduce them. Be more open to your husband and try to see him for who he is more. The good thing is that you have realized yourself and you are willing to make amends before it gets too late.
    The thing is that, everybody is able to cheat. We are all humans and we are bound to fall into temptation. So do you know my rule? do not test your might! Prevention is definitely better than cure in this situation.

    You have everything to loose in this situation if things go wrong. So just try your best my dear and be strong. Hope you’ll be able to work through this. Take care

  25. Anoynmous

    January 9, 2015 at 9:48 am

    Please FLEE.Do not give up your 80 for 20 please. Pray to God to break the soul tie.Make up your mind please to RUN from him.Smooth talkers are ALWAYS looking for someone to have a grip on with different story.My story. I thought I was in love but my eyes see wheeeeen.I am not looking for pity party oh but I found out the guy cheated with singles,married,pregnant,revd. sisters, name it and he made me feel so useless not until finally,God helped me to break free. Unfortunately,I was diagnosed with Ca of the Breast and he found out I needed any available support because I was loosing my mind then and you know what? He wanted to start touching and doing all the sirenren with me again and I emphatically told him NO.I knew he is a NO NO for me then. I even thought I am being punished for my past sins but God saw me through it all.. I cant even remember his mobile number again and by God’s grace and with determination ,I am not going back to him.My dear, please the devil has no other plan than to steal,kill and destroy. Spice up your marriage yourself.

  26. ada

    January 9, 2015 at 10:03 am

    @me don’t you feel ashamed? You absolutely were not compelled to say anything. @Mrs Temptations, everyone here has pretty much said the same thing; run from the guy, work on your relationship and they all can’t be wrong. So there you go darling, get to work.

  27. nebo

    January 9, 2015 at 10:06 am

    Run from Mr Smooth he is out to destroy your happiness because right now what you are getting is temporal excitement and girl spice up your marriage…and you have to deliberately control your self, we can all get tempted once in a while, its being able to control ourselves that enables us surpass this.. you will overcome this babe…

  28. girltalk

    January 9, 2015 at 10:24 am

    hmmm…..i was told that what u dont know wont hurt u…but in reality it can hurt…women have the ability to live in self guilt but y put urself in such a situation. forget mr. smooth stop fantasizing…find love with ur hubby if u cant and der r no kids involved move on with ur life if u dont love him.

  29. jhennique

    January 9, 2015 at 10:48 am

    THERE IS ONLY ONE POSSIBLE CURE HERE. TALK TO YOUR HUSBAND ABOUT THIS. TRUST ME YOU WILL NEVER BELIEVE HOW THIS WILL WORK LIKE A CHARM.

  30. nameless

    January 9, 2015 at 3:40 pm

    Epistle alert: this might be long.
    I am not married yet, but I have a similar story. My Mr smooth caught me young, just after I clocked 16. He was much older, extremely smart and my girlhood fantasy delivered in flesh and blood. I was fresh in the university, a boyish kinda girl, acutely aware of what I wanted and ready to discover life for my self. After our first conversation, I knew was gone. I had to be with this guy no matter the cost. He knew it too. God wanted to help me, my parents made me change school. New school didn’t permit the use of phones. That couldn’t stop us, he was like oxygen. I eventually left that school for one much closer to him, by now, we had two years on us. Then he got the job that brought the money. That’s when I realized we were with each other for different reasons. So, I aspired to be the one that met the reason, to fit the place in his heart I wanted to be. He was a good guy, still is, taught me almost everything I know about sex, horned some of my creative skills which are now beneficial to me, used my intelligence to his advantage. But, he had no plans for me. After about five years of Mr smooth, In my third year in my new school, I decided I deserved more, I wanted a love that was completely mine, a relationship that was that in reality. So, i broke up with him. And fell ill right after. I must have broken up with him like five times. But he only had to show up and I was back.
    My friends usually called him my pin code. They were right. I was hooked on him like a drug. I spent the next one year reporting for weekends at his place not even as a girlfriend o(shebi it was me that broke up) but as friend with benefit. and he did me anyhow, would not pick my calls till he felt like, would sometimes refuse me access to his house or have me leave when he is tired of me, pick my calls and not say anything and call only when he needed me to do something. Hes the reason I didn’t finish Uni with a first class, I took his matter more serious than my courses.
    to complete the already long story, when i was going to serve, after six years of this one guy, I decided it was over, cut communication and sincerely begged God to help me. I knew I was tied and someone needed to free me. I prayed like my life depended on it, I was desperate to be free. I spoke with a few people as accountability partners, they kept tabs on me and encouraged me to stand alone. soon, i started to see him for the opportunist that he is. good guy as he might be, he far from loved me, i was just a toy. finally, the reality sunk in and i gradually stopped pinning for him. by the time i saw him a year after, he took me to lunch and i couldn’t focus on what he was saying, I kept wondering to myself …’what was so great about this guy anyways?’ by the time, he reached out to touch me, I was so irritated i asked to go home. he was shocked. he still is every time he tries to get in touch with me and i shrug him off. even when i was completely single and he was fervently chasing, he wasn’t an option in my books. he is the vomit i shouldn’t return to, the past that must remain history, the situation I’m glad i was finally delivered from.
    summarily, nobody has the right to hold you down forever. you can be free, it’s all in your mind. maybe if you do the things I did, you will find freedom too.

    with you, in your dilemma. xo

  31. miss phbee

    January 11, 2015 at 2:31 pm

    From what i read, Mr Smooth is a sex addict and you managed to free yourself from him once, I advice u use your love for your husband or your love for yourself as a motivation to overcome your thoughts of lust, remember it all starts in the mind. Dont fall into his trap again. Goodluck!

  32. Believe

    January 12, 2015 at 3:04 pm

    Dear Miss Temptations,
    The answers to your problem lies within you. It may help if you ask yourself what it is ‘cord’ that ties you and Mr Smooth together. Go back to what drew you too him, why did you keep going back. It’s more complicated than just simply Lust. There is a lot of speculation but only you have that answer. Why did you get married? Are you happy? What can’t and can you afford to lose? If you know the answers then the next step becomes easy.

  33. larz

    January 15, 2015 at 10:24 pm

    Like I said, you cant do this on your own. You need to be accountable to someone. Get a mentor, spiritual / otherwise. In a perfect world, you can tell your husband and he will help you with it. In a not so perfect world, you will offend him one day and he might throw it in your face. Not because he is a bad person but cuz he is human and we do the craziest thinng when angry

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