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Chiugo Akaolisa: Emotional Blackmail

Chiugo Akaolisa

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Since the beginning of time, men and women have accomplished some pretty impressive feats in the name of love. Wars have been started, people killed, thrones abdicated, lives sacrificed, possessions forfeited and the list goes on. In fact, this generation is still learning in terms of Love acts. We read those epic love stories and wonder why our partners cannot be more romantic. Something as ridiculous as: “Why can’t he dance in the rain for me, wearing just a thong?”

Well, this generation did not come in last, because now we find fourteen-year olds losing their virginity in the name of love and men going as far as stealing or borrowing to satisfy the insatiable needs of their love interests.

“If you love me, you will buy me whatever I ask of you”. “If you deny me sex then you must not care about me”. “If you cannot change to fit my life preferences then what are we doing?” “If you love me, you would understand that my friends come first”. It goes on.

It is ok to simply ask without attaching a justification of feelings to it.

I am not being self-righteous; at some point in my life, I have expected my partner to do a few things in the name of love. Sometimes, I didn’t even have to voice the requests; I just expected them to happen. As I have gotten older and hopefully wiser, I realized how unfair some of the demands were; especially the unvoiced ones. No one has the special ability to read minds. Well, no one that I know of.

The most common question used to justify affection is: “If he loves me, then he should put a ring on it.” What if he cannot afford the ring just yet? Should he then cease to love you? He may still be saving up to buy that size you have subtly threatened him to.

And the close second is: “If she loves me, she should not refuse sex with me.” What if she has made a chastity vow, her religion frowns upon it or she is just not mentally ready? Does it then mean that she is not entitled to your love?

Where do we draw the line?

There is such a thing as emotional blackmail. And just like any kind of blackmail, there is never an end to it. According to psychologists, the three major determinants for Emotional blackmail are Fear, Obligation and Guilt.

Any affection that makes you feel compelled to do something and guilty if you don’t is not healthy. The fear of being alone if you don’t comply to love requests should never be a reason to hang on to any relationship. You would be better off without the constant fear.

Carrying out great feats for love is absolutely commendable as long as it is your own volition. In fact, sitting docile and making no effort and then claiming you love someone gets you to a level of insanity all by itself. Actions do speak louder than words. But when the Love requests start to pose a threat to your finances, beliefs and emotions then you need to have a rethink on the kind of Love you have. You HAVE the right to chose what you can do in the name of love.

There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear- St. John.

Photo Credit: Dreamstime | Michael Zhang

Chiugo Veronica Akaolisa is a graduate from the University of Alberta, Canada. She is a God-lover and a recluse. Her every spare time is spent writing and developing her business. She is an entrepreneur and a budding novelist. Her true passion is Poetry and Relationship Tips. She has a minor in Psychology.Twitter: Verachi | Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/cakaolisa | Instagram: missverachi |

17 Comments

  1. @edDREAMZ

    January 29, 2015 at 1:08 pm

    a.k.a EDWIN CHINEDU AZUBUKO said…
    .
    Interesting….
    .
    .
    ***CURRENTLY IN JUPITER***

  2. Chukwuma

    January 29, 2015 at 1:46 pm

    We are really learning when it comes to love and having deep affection . . .

  3. iyke

    January 29, 2015 at 1:53 pm

    Yes, ‘fear, obligation, and guilt’ …. I call it the FOG, the main tool of emotional blackmail.
    But it takes two, the blackmailer and the “blackmailee” who permits it, for it to happen. So I would say, stop walking on eggshells, refuse to be held prisoner by FOG. Learn how to be alone without being lonely, and if you are in a relationship with someone likely to blackmail you emotionally,(why would you even be in such a relationship, if indeed you are self aware), install personal limits, treasure yourself, and not be blinded by your own emotions. That way, you can avoid capitulating to the blackmailer’s selfish demands.
    Remember that if you refuse to participate, the blackmailer’s efforts will be fruitless.

  4. Tuu

    January 29, 2015 at 2:29 pm

    I wont lie, i am guilty of this, very guilty,but that’s because i’ve been hurt in the past for overlooking lil signs and i feel if i dont blackmail emotionally, i might end up getting hurt again, so instead of overlooking or making trouble about it, blackmailing is an easy way out,now its almost so difficult to stop. Thanks for this piece *reality check*

  5. Tunmi

    January 29, 2015 at 2:35 pm

    I am just here for the images. Thank you BN for getting the right images every darn time

  6. jess

    January 29, 2015 at 3:24 pm

    im really in love with someone buh he doesnt love me as much as i do. i feel pained n hurt bout it, iv told him how i feel hoping he ll be a tiny lil bit emotional but still no hope. all i do now is give him drama, cs i realised that atleast with drama i get to talk to him for long, chat with him, go bk n forth bout stuff that are not relevant, but the truth is that without this drama, i cant catch his attention. I know he likes me buh i want morrrrre!! tried to move on buh i got sick n depressed…..so il just stick around til i ve the strength to take a walk. trust me hes a great guy….buh just doesnt like me as much as i do.

    • Meh

      January 29, 2015 at 4:30 pm

      Dear Jess,

      I don’t know you but I know that you deserve better. Every woman deserves to be loved in at least equal nature to the person she desires. It is not an easy thing to ignore the feelings you have for someone who there is nothing wrong with. However, you my dear should not need to push so much. You have told him you like him, you have tried. Leave him alone. Be good to yourself. Good luck!

    • ade

      January 31, 2015 at 6:18 pm

      jess i see trouble here. if he doesnt like you as much as you like him, then watch it. There might be a side babe.

    • [email protected]

      February 9, 2015 at 8:02 pm

      Im sorry about your fate o and truth is only you have the power to end this or stay…
      But with people like you i kind of understand why Annie still is with Tuface. And majority of the people who accuse her are in some form of relationship mess

  7. Drknite

    January 29, 2015 at 3:25 pm

    Don’t forget getting that ridiculous STD Test in the name of love. UGG

    • Dr.N

      January 29, 2015 at 6:20 pm

      Which test is ridiculous? Pray spill

  8. always happy

    January 29, 2015 at 3:42 pm

    Blackmail of any kind is bad for your health. Blackmail is essentially manipulation to suit your motives. And we all know how sick, selfish and greedy some motives can be. So why give into anybody, any human being’s attempt at manipulating your, your mind, your money, your time towards a one-sided objective, because often if its 2 sided or mutual chances are you’d have buy-in without having to sell your market via blackmail.

  9. loveaddict

    January 29, 2015 at 6:49 pm

    Chei, i am very guilty of this! But im trying to stop. I look forward to your articles each week. Keep it up.

  10. jhennique

    January 30, 2015 at 10:31 am

    That picture! babe pls do some squats. There is absolutely no ass for the guy to even grab sef. LOL

  11. oy

    January 30, 2015 at 12:28 pm

    oseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

  12. Ubi

    February 3, 2015 at 8:48 pm

    Seriously, can’t get my eyes off the picture. The girl yansh just be like mfi for the guy palm. LOL!

  13. Okey ukwu

    March 5, 2015 at 6:53 pm

    you are the worst emotional blackmailer. your write up doesn’t impress me

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