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Isio Knows Better: 7 Awards I Will Never Win

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Wake up jorrr!

It seemed like the little tyrant that was my mind kept a vigil with a stop-watch and just when I was happiest in lala-land, she punched at it in mischievous glee – jolting me back to the reality of the physical world. She never let me sleep in – that one.

“See how you are sleeping. Wake up jo. You haven’t figured how you will create many masterpieces, and you are sleeping there. Abeggggi!” She smirked then added matter-of-factly, “By the way, you let the generator run over-night. Well done. Spoil it you hear?”

“Ughhhhhh…” I groaned in spite of myself and rolled out of bed like an over-fed feline.

On my way to the bathroom I tried not to step on the many pillows strewn on my bedroom floor.

“Why you insist on piling mountains of those awful throw pillows on your bed every morning only to kick them furiously away at night would never seem to baffle me. It’s not like you even sleep with any kind of pillow anyway…” She continued her tirade.

I swear, my mind was a wickedly sharp biological machine that acted like an annoying best friend you just can’t tell to shut up. That, and a prissy personal assistant (who reminded you of everything you would like to forget) and a shrew of an old woman who thought she had seen it all and therefore gave her unsolicited brash opinion about everything just because she could. Most of the time I ignored her.

“Hmmmn, Isio De-la gbo gbo e ati bee bee lo…” My mind teased me with a devilish smirk.

“Sharraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaap!” I grumbled surly.

You look terrible, my darling. All grumbly and surly. You most certainly would not be winning any “Most Pleasant Morning Person” Award – that’s for sure. Not with that pouty face and that hair- all scallywag-ish and what not.” She chuckled.

I had to laugh. Learning to tame my unruly black mane was high on my Bucket List. If only I didn’t hate combing it so much… any little tuft of hair that clung to my comb after every attempt stung my soul with crushing disappointment yet unparalled. You should see my face when a hair stylist is approaching me with a comb… trust me, it is better imagined.

And this is probably the reason why I might never win a second award titled: The Black Woman with the Perfectly Tamed Hair That Blew with The Wind like Wow!

Later that day, in a much better mood, I started to grudgingly admit to myself Awards that I would never win – just for fun. You know, simple everyday things that I would like to be great at, but honestly acknowledge are closer to impossible than possible. After twenty minutes of self-perusal (with the help of my mind) I came up with these:

Baker of the Year
Also Known As the one who uses ovens for what they were originally intended for. I can cook anything from Nigerian to Oriental to Continental dishes, bhet I cannot bake to save any life. Number one, I don’t mess with ovens. That whole gboa-fire-boom action is just a bit much for me, biko. I don’t mess with fire and wrote about it in my article Fire and the Lover. So, as for me… my oven remains the choice spot to save my frying pans with the ororo I use to fry dodo and fish.

Cleanest Car Owner
I have a friend whose car is always so…immaculate. The interior of the car always has everything in its place, and smells like fresh winter air while the exterior glistens under the rays of the sun. No matter how much I organize mine, it does not always look so… immaculate. Little wonder. Between the dogs’ shed hair, the business cards and old CDs lying haphazardly, the car chargers and USB cables that always stick out of their hiding places, it’s no wonder I am not gunning for that award.

Cheerful Loser of Any Computer Game
I hate to lose. Especially to a machine. It just irks me… ahan! For this reason and this reason alone I never download any games on my tablet or phone. Except Solitaire. And that one I play it once in a blue moon, more like once in a pink moon and I must win o. I no gree, lai lai…

In-And-Out of shower in 5 minutes or less
I wish I could jump in and out of the shower in 5 minutes, groom myself and slap on my make-up in 10. How people do it, I wonder… It takes me twice that much time to even complete the ritual of brushing my teeth. O serious ga’an!

Social/Party Animal
Like most introverts, I have a very peculiar habit. It goes thus…

Me to My friends (Mondays – Fridays): Babes, let’s hang out this weekend naowww. Like I really feel like dancing. Let’s go out, enjoy fresh air, good food and then hang-out somewhere.

My friends: Really? You want to go out? Miracle! When?

Me: This Saturday o! Saturday is always better than Friday jare…

My Friends: Okay cool. Will swing by yours by 7 on Saturday.

And then this is me on Saturday…

Dammmn. Wish I didn’t have to go out jo. Gosh, and then I have to dress up. Ha! And drive… and socialize… with people. And then I cower in bed and pray to God that my friends didn’t take my plans seriously.
Hehheheehehehehheeee!

But this year, I promise my friends that I would be better. I may never win the Social/Party Animal Award, but I will not win the award for the Introvert That Became a Couch Potato award. This is my promise to my beloved friends.

Anyways, now that I got that out of the way, by celebrating acknowledging all the things I am gloriously bad at, I can now focus on the more serious business of sorting out my life-time resolutions and compiling my bucket-list… But you know me na, I like to balance the hard-stuff with fun, witty stuff…

No one is perfect, and we all know deep within ourselves certain awards we could never win. These are mine… what are yours?

xx

Isio De-laVega Wanogho is a Nigerian supermodel, a multi-award winning media personality and an interior architect who is a creative-expressionist at her core. She uses words, wit and her paintings to tell stories that entertain, yet convey a deeper meaning. Follow her on Instagram @isiodelavega and visit her website: http://www.idds.pro to see her professional body of work.

31 Comments

  1. Iamme

    January 6, 2015 at 9:21 am

    We are partners in not winning the “baker of the year award”. Like you, my cooking is to the gods, on fleek (for lack of better terms lol) but I can barely bake to save my life, save for the banana cake recipe on Dooney’s kitchen!

  2. yet_dup

    January 6, 2015 at 9:48 am

    True Isio, I too will never win Miss social/party animal award_NEVER, but I will definitely win cleanest car own. So love my clean staying ‘spik & span’. Have a great year

  3. O Baby

    January 6, 2015 at 9:54 am

    Am with you on the party one. I really don’t see how I can have fun by partying. Am weird like that. I’ld rather just stay home jare and maybe read or something. The baking one, I really want to learn how to bake this year and I will.

  4. Que

    January 6, 2015 at 9:56 am

    This one is easy..
    1).Miss multitasker…. you know how people say women are great multitaskers…… well I guess I failed womanhood ni yen o! If u give me more than two things to do, you bera give me PA else, you don enter one chance be that. Thats what scheduling and to-do lists are for.

    2.) Arriving early to non formal activities…. see in my head you get to certain places on time-work, school, church/ wedding ceremony…… all the extra bday/shower/come-chop/movie/come gist and drink, etc…..without even trying, I will only remember to start prepping when its like 15mins to the agreed time.

    3) Miss shiny car- Isio I am with u on this one….funny thing is I can wash car pass some car washers sef! But by time I try to avoid all day parking under direct sunlight, and I decide to beg my mango tree for shelter…e don finish be that….and d next wash shall be as d spirit leads.

    4) miss chair-warmer at a club: you see better clubbing can easily happen for me like once or twice a year…. and when it does nwokem…I am that person that’s on the floor b4 the DJ even starts….when the spirit moves….it MOVES! And I dont even need alcohol inducement… Dance to me is what writing is for some… release!

    5) miss shisha lover…I JUST CANT!

    • Sisi

      January 6, 2015 at 11:37 pm

      Thank God I am not alone, Point number 2 is for me. Try as much as I can I just cannot seem to finish on time thereby keeping everybody waiting, from taking a shower, to dressing up and then make up – make up is story for another day. I think I actually need time keeping deliverance actually i’ll easily win miss detailed award any day.

  5. Berry Dakara

    January 6, 2015 at 10:03 am

    Lol! Let’s see…. I would never win

    Cook of the Year – if it takes more than 30 minutes to cook, I’m usually not interested.

    Pidgin Speaker of the Year – my pidgin makes everyone laugh.

    berrydakara.blogspot.com

    • Oyaga

      January 6, 2015 at 1:09 pm

      Berry don come ooo! Abeg your own no sweet, waka dey go front biko. Posh kid (yimuuu)

    • tee

      January 6, 2015 at 3:35 pm

      why so bitter? Gosh

    • F

      January 6, 2015 at 4:15 pm

      Really??

  6. Ibukun

    January 6, 2015 at 10:13 am

    For the first time, I didn’t enjoy reading Isio’s article.

    • Eva

      January 6, 2015 at 10:51 am

      Ok

    • Really?

      January 7, 2015 at 1:05 pm

      So sorry about that.

  7. Ada Nnewi

    January 6, 2015 at 10:14 am

    I will probably never win any awards related to being patient…

    • nawah

      February 6, 2015 at 9:39 am

      Choiiiiiiii….am more patient naw oo

  8. Golden Geh formerly Personal Assistant

    January 6, 2015 at 10:14 am

    Isio, we are partners in “baker of the year”, “cleanest car owner” and the computer game categories. My only attempt at baking flopped because I didn’t understand the difference between Fahrenheit and Celsius.
    When even I have to take someone in my car, sometimes I have to come down to make space for just one person to sit inside.
    I also cannot win the “most organised room” category.
    By the way, Isio see as your knee resemble my own. We are the few exception to the rule “by their knees you can tell their ages”. Knee no dey hide age sha. Lol.

  9. funmilola

    January 6, 2015 at 10:41 am

    Funny and cool.for me ba.i would never win any award for arranging dishes…can wash all of them in this world,but arrange?oti o.i wouldn’t for finishing an article also.

  10. Queen Spicey

    January 6, 2015 at 11:46 am

    I will never win award for social/ party animal as in it aint gonna happen. I mean I spent the holiday period on my bed and couch. Also, I will NEVER win award for miss patience, I am always NOW NOW abeg.

  11. isis

    January 6, 2015 at 11:48 am

    i love Isio……her write ups crack me up

  12. www.eniwealth79.blogspot.com

    January 6, 2015 at 12:00 pm

    I’m with you on baking. I know how to, but just won’t.
    Clean car? I thought I could earn that, until this harmattan. One would just see dust everywhere. mtcheeew
    Cheerful winner of any game at all, not just computer sef. Ludo o, Whot o, snake and ladder, Monopoly. None at all. Was feeling myself with Temple Run one time, until I met my oga’s 9 year old daughter. #justlivestory
    Social/Party Animal, no, no, no! Last year, my attendance was mostly as a result of not wanting to be perceived as being proud or whatever.

  13. TA

    January 6, 2015 at 1:17 pm

    Funny article. Isio, I agree with you, best to know what you are not good at o. No use deceiving ourselves o. Hehehe! 🙂

    1. I will never win an award for ‘Chic Most Skilled With Her Hands’. Anything that involves manipulating my hands, I suck at it. From tying bows, to hair styling, to knitting to sewing neatly. My hands just refuse to co-operate. I can do laundry,cook and bake (though you can count me out of those creative butter icing fanfare ish) but that’s about it. Am just a clumsy person otherwise. Lol

    2. I will never win an award for ‘Most Tidy Car’. My car can be all clean and smell great, but hey! don’t expect everything to be in its place. I know it shows badly on me. Am working on it. I promise to be better.

    3. Will certainly never win ‘Best Dancer award’. Have spent my whole life trying to co-ordinate my hand, body and feet rhythm and I keep failing hopelessly. My friends tease me that I dance like ‘Oyinbo woman’. Hahahaha, now you get the picture. LMAO.

    Wishing you all a pleasant week.

  14. yea

    January 6, 2015 at 1:23 pm

    i’m also bad with games, even solitaire, i DO NOT play. (dear facebook friends, stop inviting me to pay candycrush). i also will never win an award for fixing things, i can pay to get my bulb replaced, it could be that bad. Also, have you ever driven a car and someone enters and says “can you hear that sound coming from your car?” i just drive, i don’t pay attention to the noise or anything. my hubby once mentioned “shaft” and i was like, “what is that?” let’s just say, he was mortified. engineering wise, i’m just totally messed up!

  15. Changing Faces

    January 6, 2015 at 2:45 pm

    I will never win gele tying contest… I really wish I can learn. The youtube videos I tried didn’t help much. Please suggest any links that have easy steps, I’m tired of paying to tie gele.

    I will never win event planner of the year… I admire people who make millions as event planners. Where will I even start?

    It takes me time to master dance steps, I eventually get it but when its almost out of vogue. So far shoki has refused to be learnt…

  16. me

    January 6, 2015 at 3:34 pm

    i will never win miss patient award, am so so impatient that I spend 5 minutes in the bathroom and I spend 2minutes maximum excreting. I can be very very neat and can multitask. I hate dressing up as I don’t know how to combine clothes, style my hair, make sure my nails is clean, am just bad at that but I love shoesssss.Am also bad at technological tins,just leave me wit my blackberry anytin android,games,downloading,calculation, I no sabi.i can win miss reliable, people entrust me with task and just go to sleep dey know ill do it.Am also very romantic,am a sweet lover girl so I can win miss romantic but d man must be mr patient o if not na tsunami go erupt. I can cook but I don’t love cooking.instead of partying, gisting e.t.c ill rather sleep, they call me miss rester at home,any little extra time am resting.

  17. NaijaPikin

    January 6, 2015 at 3:53 pm

    I’ll never win
    Little Miss Patient – Eat fast joh, get to the point, can we go already, are we there yet, ughhhh those are some of my fav lines

    Top Baker – What is that? With cooking you can free style, baking on the other hand requires precision. Too impatient to be precise, so mbanu, baking aint for me.

    Miss Naija Babe – You can easily catch me in pallazo pants, tshirt and slippers, no make up (unless johnsons baby white powder and lip gloss count) and my natural hair. This def can’t bag me the naija babe award. We know what the criteria for that one is.

    Ms social butterfly – I am the #1 duller in life. But like someone else mentioned, if you actually manage to get me out of the house, then there’s lots of hope cos i will dance for Africa. Getting me off my couch or bed is the biggest task tho.

  18. prada

    January 6, 2015 at 4:43 pm

    1. I’m definitely not getting the Miss congeniality award. The gift of diplomacy eluded me as I say it exactly as it comes to mind. Little wonder I have very few friends.
    2. Most timely award- Not me, even if I live five minutes from the office, I’ll make sure I leave the house 5 mins to resumption time so if there’s any slight delay on the road…I don late be that oh (ashamed much)
    3. And then the party one- I STILL DON’T GET HOW DANCING ALL NIGHT IS MORE FUN THAN BLESSED SLEEP

  19. missy

    January 6, 2015 at 5:18 pm

    Atoke emmm sorry Isio(in my head you two are sisters), you just won my `best article award`. I`m so with you on 5 mins in shower and party animal, but I’m a sucker for clean cars.
    Ehen sorry to bring this up here, but where is Atoke abeg? Kept refreshing BN yesterday but nothing came up

  20. babygiwa

    January 6, 2015 at 7:43 pm

    @missy, go home and scroll down to the star features section and click on Atoke’s m m b.
    lil miss patient award….. I can never ever ever win it
    most organized room all day everyday…. Not for me
    best dancer? Nein nein

    • missy

      January 6, 2015 at 10:31 pm

      Found it! Thanks dear

  21. Isios assistant

    January 6, 2015 at 11:24 pm

    I think I’ld win most organized. I can arrange for Africa.everything has to be in place.As for writing to do list, leave that one for me, I write it and paste it on my door so that I dont forget.
    I’ll never win Miss party, I’m such a buzz kill when it comes to grooving. I’ld rather lay in my bed and watch a movie or something.

  22. Jojononz

    January 16, 2015 at 8:33 am

    Lovely article as always isio de la gbo gbo……… we must be twinnies cos my mind is just as you described, it’s so witty and funny as hell sorry heaven,My God the things is says( so mouthed and I pad it up so it doesn’t leak into my spirit) and the things it whips up ,i just cant get it to sharraaaaap (like you say) and the places it goes, well it just came back from walking the streets of China and has apparently learnt the language too, how does one tame it………#helpppppppppp.

  23. nawah

    February 6, 2015 at 10:40 am

    Ehhhhh,iffa hear say ah jump outta bathroom in5 mins,- cnt try to bath fast oo bt…it z well

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