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Isio Knows Better: Ridiculous Tales You’ve Heard About Yourself

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IMG_5865I was very tired and sweaty… and all I wanted to do was just get to my room in as little time as possible. It was the year when something strange had happened in Unilag and some students decided it was a grand idea to set the Vice Chancellor’s home ablaze. And in true retaliatory fashion, the “Unilag powers that were” decided to punish ALL students by first shutting down the school for months, only to open it and impose brand new laws which included banning all taxis into the campus, and putting a road-block beside the library – forcing all student car owners and campus shuttles to park far, far away from the part of the campus that concerned art students like me.

As if that was not bad enough, my temperamental car refused to start that day which meant that getting to school was more stressful than usual. To make matters worse, after 12 hours of slaving away in the studio, I had to trek – hungry and knackered – all the way from the Lagoon front to the campus gate to find a taxi that would take me to my hostel which was a ways from the main campus.

“Ahhhhh, finally!” I thought in relief as I stepped into the hostel’s spacious lobby. All I had to do was get through the Herculean task of climbing the stairs two floors up to my room. I longed for the relief of taking off my shoes, the stupid bra and let myself free of all constraints. I fully intended to all pass out on my bed, all sloth-faced and what-not.

“Oya, oya….” I hastened my tired legs to lead me closer sooner, when I looked up and saw a girl, stationary, ahead of me. I nodded a tired greeting and she replied quickly. I noticed she watched me anxiously – as if debating whether to speak to me or not –

A soft “excuse me… Isio?” told me she had decided to speak to me anyway, and when I turned around in answer I saw why she seemed so anxious – she had three bags stacked on top of each other beside her. My mind scanned her load in a micro-second: one overnight bag, one laptop bag and a gigantic Ghana-Must-Go bag that could fit a Goliath.

“Chineke! Sweet Mary, mother of Jesus, please let her be asking me for the time ooooo…” I had barely finished my silent prayer when she cut in…

“Could you please assist me in carrying my bags upstairs?” She asked me hesitantly.

I wailed to the heavens silently. To her I said, “Sure, no problem. What floor?”

“Third floor.” She replied sweetly.

THIRD. FLOOR.

Walahi, those two words killed me, I almost sputtered a laugh-cry in volcanic frustration! Then I looked at those blister-giving thin straps of the Ghana-Must-Go bag that looked alarmingly heavy.

Omo that was how I put hand in her matter o, literally. Together we were a comical sight, huffing and puffing sisteh’s load to the third floor. After that mountainous climb, she thanked me greatly and said she never would have thought I would’ve helped her. According to her, she had heard things about me from my former roommate, (whom I loved but knew liked to talk, talk, talk… {*insert side-note to former roomie* sorry na, but you know it’s true *chuckles*})

Apparently, my former roomie had told her something she found so perplexing she just had to share with me. According to her, she had asked my roommate (her friend) if she knew where I got my clothes from, to which my former roommate (who was a curvy UK size 16, while I was a size 6 model at the time) told her that the clothes I wore were hers that she loaned to me, and that because they were of such good quality, used to expand and shrink to fit both body types. As in, her clothes immediately shrank to my size when I wore them. Therefore, sisteh should look to her for hook-up for new clothes.

And then she (sisteh) said looking at me even more closely, she just realized how lekpa I was (no-offence she said) and how it was humanly impossible that clothes could expand and shrink with such “accuracy”.

Forget tiredness… I was just aghast. And then… I threw my head back and laughed! A deep, long and throaty roar of a laugh. Kai! Wetin pesin no go hear for this town? My laughter was so intense I had to wipe tears from my eyes. Forget anger sef, it was so out-of-this-world ridiculous, because at that time, said former-roomie was all #TeamCurvy, #ThickIsForRealMenAndBonesAreForDogs.  I was the skinniest I had ever been, thanks to a strict model-diet and Unilag stress. Plus sisteh’s words had brought up a very side-splitting visual of Timon and Pumba “dragging cloth”. Eezoookay. Share cloth kwa. God forbid bad thing.

I was too amused to take offence and so I thanked her for a good laugh. And in spite of all the ridiculous things I have ever heard about myself, I have to say, that is my personal favourite.

The second was what a magazine wrote about me and my relationship back in the day before I learnt to code my tinz like a CIA babanla secret Blacklist mission.  As in they went into details sha, about how I was planning my wedding in London, and my parents’ grand reactions and the possible location for their (not my own o) imagined wedding. Hian.

Me I just dey house dey wack eba and okro soup just dey laugh. London l’oun, l’oun. Eez ga ju! Me wey I neva get liver tell my papa say I get boy-friend? BOY-WATTTTT? Me wey never even think far reach say I go APPLY for visa. Wetin consign agbero for overload? Walahi, dem no go kee pesin for this Lagos o. Na wa.

As for the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard about somebody else…

Well, it was about this guy, who is my parents’ neighbour. One day, my cousin rushed home to ask if we had heard the “latest gist”. She said he (let’s call him Dominion) was about crossing under Masha bridge when a speeding Danfo toppled over and fell on his head. Na wa o, Dominion’s head was SO STRONG that it pierced a hole into the side of the bus that landed on his head, even though the impact rendered him unconscious and he had to be rushed to hospital.

Dominion “STRONG-HEAD” survived.

And even after all these years, I still peek at his head as he walks by. I can’t help myself. I know it is impossible that a bus fell on his head and not only did the bus “die” in his place, he managed to “chest” it. Like a boss.

See gist! Walahi, I just weak. Dem no go kee pesin for this town.

I hope you guys are having a great Tuesday, and like always I would like to read your stories about the most ridiculous things ever heard about yourselves/someone else. (Ridiculous o, not malicious. People say malicious things but we dey chest am like Dominion’s head).

Mwaaaaah!

Isio De-laVega Wanogho is a Nigerian supermodel, a multi-award winning media personality and an interior architect who is a creative-expressionist at her core. She uses words, wit and her paintings to tell stories that entertain, yet convey a deeper meaning. Follow her on Instagram @isiodelavega and visit her website: http://www.idds.pro to see her professional body of work.

76 Comments

  1. oma Oma

    February 24, 2015 at 10:52 am

    Loool!!!! I’ve had ridiculous things about me,it used to make me sad but now,I’m just indifferent*shrugs*. People will surely talk,that one na confam,they’ll even make up stories

    • TANTRA

      February 24, 2015 at 11:49 am

      The most ridiculous thing I have heard about myself is that I sleep around.( Of course I do. I sleep on the couch sometime, I sleep on my bed sometime, other times, I may sleep on the floor). My informant said my neighbor told her that, “you don’t even need to give her money. Just tell her you like her and she will give you free of charge. Nobody comes to her and leaves empty”. LOL. People are wicked, I swear. Anyway, it was both ridiculous and malicious because the main guys gossiped about were my cousins and a childhood friend, so my ignorant neighbours had an unpaid job of analyzing and classifying each guy they saw. Until, the guys started visiting me with their babes.

    • Isio De-laVega

      February 24, 2015 at 12:21 pm

      Hahahaaaahahahaaaa! That got me sha! Couch-bed-floor sleeping- #AllNaSleep. Brilliant! 🙂

    • Bleed Blue

      February 24, 2015 at 12:12 pm

      Isio de la witty. You’re such a fun pot shaaaaaa!!!!

      So there I was, reading the front page of Encomium magazine. And it said my Mum had some issues with my Dad and had therefore sent all of us her kids abroad in order to spite him.

      Meanwhile, I was reading this, standing in the hot sun, in front of University of Ibadan gate, chewing on some roasted corn and “ube”.

      What could I do? I smiled and continued my waka to lecture theater.

    • Berry Dakara

      February 24, 2015 at 12:43 pm

      LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL!

    • dee

      March 15, 2015 at 3:54 pm

      Lmao

  2. Berry Dakara

    February 24, 2015 at 10:59 am

    Apparently I’m a bi*chy snob.

    • minnietins

      February 24, 2015 at 11:40 am

      Berry are you not?

    • Dee

      February 24, 2015 at 12:00 pm

      Not sure about snob…but b*tchy? Hmmmm Berry there’s work to be done there oh.
      You sef know na

    • niki

      February 24, 2015 at 11:50 am

      Well, i dont think you are. Just that people already have an image before they meet someone and generally they want that image to be right!

    • Alice

      February 24, 2015 at 2:30 pm

      trust me when i say this .ure the warmest lady i ever met……

    • Call Me Gorgeous..

      February 24, 2015 at 2:45 pm

      World people……..hahahahahahaha!!
      Cool down oh!!
      I don’t know Berry in person so I don’t know if shes b*tchy or not…
      Sigh!!

    • Mz Socially Awkward...

      February 24, 2015 at 3:45 pm

      Berry, luv, I think that one thing I’ve learnt with many Naija folk is that there’s an image some people (many of whom will only ever know you from afar) prefer to maintain about you and there’s a compulsion in them to see that (often times imagined) trait being expressed in everything you do.

      I’m a b*tch when I need to be (sorry to disappoint anyone) but that’s only to people who I think simply don’t deserve the benefit of my nicer side. Azz in, dem no worth am. Have discovered from my own intuition (which I trust unfailingly) that a lot of those people simply had no intention of ditching the image of me that they’d already concocted on their own. It’s one thing to have the image to begin with but to continue to resolutely hold it, despite evidence to the contrary is beyond my comprehension and maybe this goes back to that other Tuesday Topic being in the grand “old” 30s but I simply stop caring if I identify that’s what the individual’s attitude is. Closed-minded people deserve to be ignored. *evil grin*

      A couple of illustrations – my home skillet for life, a lady whose friendship has blown my mind incredibly concerning her unselfish, caring and totally awesome participation in our 7 year-long relationship (K! Sister forever that you are), confessed to me one day that she couldn’t stand me when we first met. And I laughed right in her face because she sef came at me on that first day with one kain attitude (Naija babes, sha … we know how we can like to do 🙂 ). However, we were grown enough to see the glimmer of something else in each other after different other meetings and our friendship was formed from that awareness of a person being more than they seem to be from afar.

      Or was it my other friend (another home skillet with a heart of gold who “RAWKS”!!!), that met me for the first time whilst toting her fiancé and it turned out that Bros and me knew ourselves from way back, from PH? Na im my gal (she obviously wasn’t my girl at the time) come keep face like say, “who be this one wey dey greet my bobo anyhow?” Berry, I can’t even deny it, once I scoped that attitude, I said a perfunctory “hello” and then proceeded to ignore her as I continued gisting with the man. Even started gisting more animatedly, sef. 😀 She continues to remind me of how much I pissed her off the first time we met and I tell her in return that she been see say I no get her time, na why e been pain am. How we’ve become fast friends almost 5 years later, I can’t even specifically tell you but as I speak to you today, I’m a godmother to one of her sons and also a godmother to the son of the other friend described above. Both appointments came to my great surprise and utmost appreciation at how much we’ve grown in our female friendships.

      My two stories are just to illustrate the point that you’ll always find a way to prove to the people who you really are, outside of whatever misinformed impression they have. Don’t sweat it because the ones who’re worth the effort will see the revelations of the real you in other ways.

  3. Cee Odibeli

    February 24, 2015 at 11:01 am

    The most ridiculous thing said about me was that, I’m clearly different from my siblings so it means my mom had me for a white man and lie to my original father. Well I enjoyed your read Isio as usual, let me form another ridiculous thing for you now, I heard you’re building house, is that not where you took the picture? Say Amen joor lol.

  4. Ivy

    February 24, 2015 at 11:04 am

    Lmao!!! Isio the-shrinking-cloth-wearing chica!!!
    The most ridiculous gist was when this dude that stayed around my parents started telling people that i was a proud girl, i feel fly cuz my parents are wealthy (AMEN O!!!!!!!!), i was dating my neighbour, different cars come to drop me off (in my FATHER’S HOUSE? WHILE AN UNDERGRADUATE? HIAN). All because i didn’t date him, see me see wahala. Of course no one believed cuz everyone knows how well behaved we are (*side eyes*) & its this same me that will be calling him bros, cook for him and serve him when he comes to my house telling mumsy he’s hungry….imagine the konkobility?
    Mtschew, when the monkey finally got married he called to tell me and sent me a pic of his wife….lol. Told him congrats and thanked the ever faithful God for sparing me from such immaturity.

  5. nira

    February 24, 2015 at 11:10 am

    OMG Isio, you can write for dayssss and you are soo hilarious…wish i could meet one day. Well, as for me i have heard some ridiculous stories about myself that left me in complete awe. When i was 12 years old, we have a male housekeeper,he should have been around 20 or 21 years then. He was brought from his village then and was so naive and quiet, he would always sit at a corner away from people, even when we invited him to eat with us on the dining table, he would shy away. He spent 4 years with us , quiet and hardworking though and he made some friends with the street guys around. It was almost 10 years after he left that i heard he went about telling his street friends that he was sleeping with my sister and I….got to know through my ex-boyfriend who heard from one of the guys he told. To say i was shocked was an understatement, this was a guy who was so quiet and shy through out his stay with us..shuuuu, i didnt even bother to tell my sister because she would send down curses upon him and his entire generation.

    • gia

      February 24, 2015 at 12:21 pm

      Ewww :/

  6. chukwukadibia

    February 24, 2015 at 11:16 am

    Isio you are soo funny…

  7. krista

    February 24, 2015 at 11:41 am

    isio u re so witty, i love dat line, but we dey chest am like dominion’a head

  8. larz

    February 24, 2015 at 11:51 am

    Isio- you fit borrow me your magic dress? I am less than a size 16 but I fit manage wear am on my size 10 body. Does it come with vertical contraction too? I think I am shorter than you.

  9. A-nony

    February 24, 2015 at 11:55 am

    Isio, you are too dramatic! Of all the aliases you could use, you chose Dominion!! lmao. Dominion, indeed, dominated.

  10. TANTRA

    February 24, 2015 at 11:55 am

    Another ridiculous thing I heard is, “that babe didn’t travel anywhere. she just went to a good spot in Abuja and took pics and claimed she travelled outside Naija”. Since then, if I travel, I will take pictures showing the names of landmarks in the background…. Dubai Mall, Austria International Centre etc. That ridiculous comment really got to me.

    • Mz Socially Awkward...

      February 24, 2015 at 5:10 pm

      I got a taste of that one, all the way back in Secondary School. As per very quiet, shy girl (back then, sha, no be now wey eye don open finish 🙂 ) wey been dey very introverted and I’d just gotten back from a holiday spent outside the country. So one of those very talkative girls in my set (I can only imagine that a similar character existed in everyone else’s secondary school) asked me how I spent the long vacation and I quietly told her. Na im she loudly disputed my answer, asking me wetin I mean? Travel go where, when she dey sure say I never even see MMA with my eye? Loud laughter followed as she finished me very well. I no come talk anything again, just picked up holiday photographs the next time I visited home for the mid-term break and took them back to school with me. 🙂

      People just say the most ridiculously spiteful things.

  11. debs

    February 24, 2015 at 12:00 pm

    The most ridiculous thing I heard about me was that my cousin’s husband had jilted me to marry her. The tale bearer even told me that he is sorry but he cannot believe my story.

  12. derhmy

    February 24, 2015 at 12:09 pm

    lol…isio u funny gaan, anywais @ NYSC Camp I heard a lot of people say am a rich ajebutter gal, was born abroad, bla bla bla…..people that never met me before oooooooo LMAO
    meanwhile my mama na tailor and papa was working two jobs to take care of all seven of us! i never saw obodo abroad apart from school excursions to cotonou, my first time on a plane was a 2wk trip to europe last yr of which i couldnt wait to come back home, i guess they assumed those things cos my dad invested in brighter grammar and enid blyton books while we were kids so we grew up speaking good english and somehow none of us had any interest in learing yoruba, so we speak only english in our house, and our yoruba sounds funny whenever we are forced to speak it, point is people will always say different things..could be positive or negative i just laff them off and stay true to myself full stop!

    • nammy

      February 24, 2015 at 12:40 pm

      My boyfriend then, who was a corper, lost his dad, I went to c him as I had been doing for the past 3 days since d news broke. 3 other Corp members came to visit as I was there(we all worship in d same place). The next gist I heard at the next service was that wen they came to see my guy, he was on top of me nd he jumped off as they opened d door.
      I confronted each of them sha nd told them that my boyfriend had a lock on his door nd if we wanted to do anything we wld have simply locked d door.

    • nammy

      February 24, 2015 at 12:43 pm

      My boyfriend then, who was a corper, lost his dad, I went to c him as I had been doing for the past 3 days since d news broke. 3 other Corp members came to visit as I was there(we all worship Together). The next gist I heard at the next service was that wen they came to see my guy, he was on top of me nd he jumped off as they opened d door.
      I confronted each of them sha nd told them that my boyfriend had a lock on his door nd if we wanted to do anything we wld have simply locked d door.

    • Reverse

      February 24, 2015 at 3:20 pm

      ‘I’m not interested in speaking Yoruba’;’my Yoruba sounds funny when I’m forced to speak it’…. *standing ovation * what a huge achievement!

    • CurvesAndEdges

      February 24, 2015 at 10:52 pm

      You know that one can speak English really well and speak Yoruba really well too, right? Neither has to suffer for the other. Speaking Yoruba “funny” when you are “forced” to speak it shouldn’t be a thing of pride… just saying

    • Muna

      February 25, 2015 at 3:30 pm

      Me I had the same experience, they used to laugh at me in Pry school (till university sef) bcos I couldn’t speak Igbo properly, and its because my parents forbade us from speaking Igbo growing up. See I’m an Aba brought up, and the town was rough then so my Mum did not allow us to interact with neighbours, or speak Igbo or go out anyhow etc bcos of ‘fear of corruption’. So we spoke English at home all the time and when we got to school it was like, na wah for these people o. Till now my Igbo, which I eventually learnt from Pry school, still sounds ‘funny’ to people too, i guess its because I have to think first before saying what I want to say. but I read and write Igbo perfectly, had an A1 in it sef, and now that I’m grown up, any opportunity I get I speak. now my mum speaks to me in Igbo and I still answer her in English bcos that’s how she brought me up, and people will be like, how can you be speaking to your mum in English?

  13. BEB

    February 24, 2015 at 12:30 pm

    I just love you Isio. God bless you.

  14. Scared homosapien

    February 24, 2015 at 12:32 pm

    The most ridiculous thing I’ve heard about me was that I stopped attending my church’s youth meeting cos the President broke up with me. Ha! Me that relocated out of Abuja then, but came back later. I then decided that the meeting wasn’t a place for me.

  15. desu

    February 24, 2015 at 12:35 pm

    First time reading this and I must say very funny. Nice one Isio…looking forward to more

  16. tara olakiitan amoke

    February 24, 2015 at 12:41 pm

    That I dated one silly rogue like that back at school,twas so irritating#wheew!

  17. Ashaby

    February 24, 2015 at 12:48 pm

    Isio la babe, you have officially made me an addict….Well done girl

  18. Neo

    February 24, 2015 at 1:00 pm

    I don laugh burst bele on top Dominion head, dt is a real headmaster. Isio is a blessing to my Tuesdays walahi.

    I hardly hear “my gist”. its so annoying sef, does it mean people are not talking about me? Oh wait i remember one now, when i was in Year 4 i heard my gist that i gave up my highly prized virginity as a birthday present to my boyfriend. In fact it was so hilarious that my friends called me Gift for the rest of the year. That must have been some gift and a great way to save money on buying something as mainstream as a card or TM shirt! I’ve also heard about how I’m a ‘bad girl” because of the way i walk and my red red lipstick. Lol.

  19. Rose

    February 24, 2015 at 1:07 pm

    Ms Isio, you are hilarious. At the moment, I don’t remember any ridiculous thing said about me. Oh, I remember now, Just like you ‘my’ wedding was being talked about without my knowledge. It was when I went to hometown to visit popsy that someone was asking me about the supposed wedding and d groom. Huh? Me why jus comot for school.

  20. Rose

    February 24, 2015 at 1:07 pm

    *wey

  21. Que

    February 24, 2015 at 1:08 pm

    I have had a similar experience of giving an old classmate (just one of the cordial types) unexpected help and she is shocked till date that she had judged me wrongly…. she had preconceived ideas about me being stuck up/proud…till d day I offered her my bed (on a rainy night she was stuck on campus) , while I took the floor and my mat….. In my own head she was pregnant and needed all d space she could get so it just seemed the sensible thing to do….. who knows what she may ‘ve heard….

    These days it doesn’t matter one way or another….thank God for growth.

  22. blogaddict

    February 24, 2015 at 1:19 pm

    Isio, my Tuesdays-addiction!
    I have heard it over and over again that am a Lesbian as a reason for my not agreeing to be laid by every Tom, Dick and Harry. They even use the fact that i always use my girlfriends as dp as proof.
    I have accepted the tag cos it relieves me of the stress of explaining my choices which is nobody’s “bi’ness”.
    Ndi mmadu di egwu!

    • Ima

      February 24, 2015 at 7:37 pm

      Same here. I’m supposed to be lesbian. And that I decided to go school in the UK last year because my ‘girlfriend’ got married.

    • Abby Scuito

      February 26, 2015 at 10:51 pm

      Yep thats what some people I refuse to hang out with in school (both boys and girls) said about me. One of them being my roommate actually asked me that question…..I looked at her shook my head, got up, and left our room. She apologized later saying that she overhead some people saying it. My best friend now calls me that but playfully cus I cant seem to date just anybody (which she does) with no qualms. Anyways I also heard that am different from my siblings, being the middle kid. Which is not far from the truth…..I dont follow the crowd, I do me, and me only. My sister used to make a joke about it that our parents should have named me “Opuruiche” (the different/weird one) lol

  23. 3ples

    February 24, 2015 at 1:20 pm

    Lmao…. Mine was soo shocking, I couldnt decide if it was funny or annoying… During my NYSC days in the north, I got harassed by some Muslim fanatics close to d mosque but a policeman bailed me out…. Two days later we gathered for our head count and i heard that ‘MY ENEMY’ was beaten to a state of coma….they were actually giving me the gist….Lmao…

  24. FLOW

    February 24, 2015 at 1:34 pm

    Isio o, I don laff tire! You are a talented and funny writer, have you ever considered stand up comedy? Well let me share the most ridiculous thing I ever heard about myself, some years ago my friend told her boyfriend that I had a 13 yrs old child, I was 18 at the time and still a virgin, I laughed at hers and her BFs stupidity and I wondered how she could have made up something so dumb, and how anyone could believe such a tale, no questions asked is baffling to say the least! And so I asked her boyfriend “how many pregnant 5yrs old girls do u know?” I found out later that she lied because her boyfriend was trying to hook me up with his friend( as if I send am work), and she would rather it be her twin sister(good riddance!), she apologised later, but I told her I wasn’t angry, just amused by it all, and since then nothing that comes out of people’s mouth shock me again, I have grown a “shock protective shield” to help deal with the nonsense, if not, na almost everyday person go dey land for ICU because of some s*itty, ridiculous things people will say about you.

  25. omotoyosi

    February 24, 2015 at 1:47 pm

    Well, the most ridiculous thing I’ve heard abt me was during my service year, this my fellow corper sent a msg to d principal of d school we were both serving at that I am a WITCH and she(the principal) should be very careful and prayerful. This is a calabar guy oooo shoo, I duno guys do such intense gossip, all because he asked me out and I turned him down *whew* I laffed tire when my principal eventually told me and showed me d msg and even apologised that she actually stayed away frm me during that period.

  26. jefka

    February 24, 2015 at 1:54 pm

    my people una own no reach my own,
    i was dating this guy and we have known for a while.
    i went to see him at his place and he begged me to spend the night, turns out i was so sick that night, vomitting and running temperature so high he panicked and called his neighbour to come and help.
    next day i went home and two weeks later i was fine, turns out i had typhoid.
    fast forward 2months later, people are writing me and few frnds calling me to console me, i was confused…………my so called boyfrnd told them i had HIV and it seems like i had transferred it to him.
    hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm i was speechless for weeks. beats my imagination ow a person cn say that about someone they are dating.
    it is well.
    i bless God for my good health and the dude is till date calling to say “pls lts work it out” mbok i cnt shout, before next time he will claim its ebola i gave him.

  27. Kunmi

    February 24, 2015 at 2:10 pm

    LOL that was how one aunty that lived with my family for a number of years told people that she had been cooking 9 meals a day (3 different meals for each child per mealtime). 9 meals fa. She dinor even fear the Lord in her lies.

    I think the most hilarious/bold faced thing I’ve heard is the random person that showed up after my grandmother’s amaaazing burial claiming that she was the one that ‘sent my mum and her siblings to school’ (paid their fees), and so wanted to be compensated then. Note that there are huge age gaps between them (my mum is 7 years older than the next sibling) so no two siblings were at the same educational stage at the same time. The way I laughed eh! Shuo only you paid fees for 5 children that were not your own for over 3 decades? Kontinu.

  28. la funky

    February 24, 2015 at 2:51 pm

    The most ridiculous tin said about me was wen I was in Jsc3, rumor started going around sch dat I was pregnant,Boys dat I don’t talk to even said they ve slept wif me, my cousin joined them in spreading fake gist abt me. Meanwhile, I ws a virgin and I nvr start to dey menstrate sef. I fear pple with d way dey fabricate lies

  29. LIZZY

    February 24, 2015 at 3:50 pm

    Isio de la gbogbo… double twale for u, u rock my Tuesdays, God bless u.

  30. lets go anon here

    February 24, 2015 at 3:53 pm

    Ok so I heard this one yesterday. as a corper, I went to see Lagos to see my older brother (who my bobo then thought was my aristo, story for another day). he had just started dating this girl he wont stop talking about and when I met her I could see why. the babe is heavily breasted. she couldn’t even string a correct sentence in English, her escape was ‘school Is not for me”. to say she was intimidated by me was an understatement and so months later, she breaks up with my brother to say its me he is in love with so he should go ahead and date me. her friend who was a popular runs babe in my neighbourhood growing up helped her take the gist back to where I grew up and spread it. I mean, how do you date your own brother? I am now married with two kids and the gist surfaces again. world people. when a woman is scorned sha……..

  31. Bobosteke & Lara Bian

    February 24, 2015 at 4:47 pm

    So I started typing what I considered the most ridiculous things I heard about myself, but they all sounded downright malicious.

    I think it all depends on how you receive the news. My reactions have ranged between an outright deep barbaric laugh(bark); to eyes narrowed to slits with smoke (yes smoke) curling out of my ears; to blank looks. It depends on who is at home that day (my mood).

    I also found out that my reactions on the same thing could vary over time; I could have laughed when I first heard but could become spitting mad after and go back to laughing again.

  32. we

    February 24, 2015 at 4:59 pm

    Mine is…….My own person that I was thinking of elevating to the post of Friend(I don’t have any just selected few acquaintance) keeps telling people am Weird…ko ma gbadun,omo ti o gbadun wo ni.,and other unprintable stuffs…in short anyone I meet through her kind of see me as Omo ti o gbadun and they would keep giving me the eye like (we already know ko gbadun) so whenever I hang out with them,and I say something,they just exchange look like ‘We understand’!…….itz ok am not pained!

  33. Bobosteke & Lara Bian

    February 24, 2015 at 5:47 pm

    *ranged from

  34. ms lala

    February 24, 2015 at 6:51 pm

    A childhood friend lied I was his sex slave and he had copious amount of sex with me…he told the lie to his friends and mutual people we knew. I came home for Christmas , stayed with his parents who were also childhood friends with my parents. That shit hurt sooooo much because I took him as a best friend his sister was like my sister and I always did everything in my power to get them whatever they wanted in the states. I found out when I was hailing my so called friend to our friends . They told me to stop hailing obi, and I should listen to what he had been saying about me. Did I believe ? Mbanu!!!!!!! Thank God for screen shot ….what my eyes read that day gave me a minor asthma attack. I confronted him and instead he tried raining insults on me. This fool has never had sex with me. Kaaaaaaaaaaaai!!!! The friendship ended immediately. People are really messed up. Just sit down and tell vicious lies for no reason. I look at everyone with two eyes wide open.

  35. ogeAdiro

    February 24, 2015 at 7:43 pm

    So, “sisteh” assumed that you wouldn’t help her because you were sharing dresses with your roommate? Or, she was just sharing info?

  36. Blessmyheart

    February 24, 2015 at 8:31 pm

    It’s either people don’t talk much about me or I just don’t hear it. I’ve had my fair share of people telling me they thought I was stuck-up and snobbish before getting to really know me though. I’m not a ‘smiling person’ and I am not good with faces so I guess they may be justified. We often make our judgements on people based on the evidence presented until we see otherwise so I don’t take it personal. I try not to form opinions about people until I know more about them but I still fall into the error of ”judging the book by its cover’ sometimes.

  37. new bride

    February 24, 2015 at 9:09 pm

    The worst thing I heard about myself was that I was sleeping with my boss. The person (a guy o!)responsible for this evil rumor was someone I considered a good friend in the office. He went out for drinks with my boss one night and told him he knew we were sleeping together and my boss told me.

    I was pained, but just laughed it off cos I knew it wasn’t true. This guy made it his duty to inform every new staff (it was a pretty small office) to be careful around me cos I was sleeping with the boss. It wasn’t until one of the new girls called me and said she expected me to be a bitch cos i was sleeping with the boss but she was surprised that I was so nice. Even when I started dating my now husband (who also worked in the same office), he was quick to tell him how the boss won’t be happy cos I was his babe. Thank God that my husband figured out very quickly that this dude just liked to talk.

    Anyways, I never bothered confronting the guy, I just shook it off like dust on my shoulders and moved on with my life.

    I’ve since left that office and my ex-boss and I are best of friends and even still laugh about it.

  38. jcsgrl

    February 24, 2015 at 10:16 pm

    Kai I have missed BN oooo. My people I dey hail una. Isio I have laughed, spat out tea and coughed hysterically at this your post. Chei you dis funny gal. U don return to naija?
    So the most ridiculous thing said about me was I was involved in embezzling money for a government agency in Abuja because one of the convicts had the same first and last name as me. Na so my country people con carry the gist that it must explain my recent relocation from Abuja. Say I carry government money run. The stupid people saw the picture of the person in question o and the woman looked nothing like me but they still believed na me. Issokay!!! #Godwin

  39. CurvesAndEdges

    February 24, 2015 at 10:59 pm

    Dominion and his head chested the bus. Like a boss. The bus died. Lol, super funny
    Isio… you are a very good writer. I’d buy your book if you wrote one, think about it. You could even compile all your Bella Naija write ups into one book. They are all very relatable stories and you make them really funny! Awesome job!

  40. Sisi

    February 25, 2015 at 1:09 am

    The most ridiculous thing said about me, hmm them plenty where do I start from?
    1) I heard you are married
    2) I heard you are pregnant oh
    3) I heard you were dating that senator
    4) I heard you are a lesbian and so on and so forth, smh it’s only cowards that will say stuff behind your back.

  41. Books

    February 25, 2015 at 4:32 am

    Isio, this your bella naija sturvs is making me remember awa good ole MFM Teenage Ministry days ooo. Anastasia/Isio fun ra e, sho wa pa? I knew you sabi draw, recall you made me birthday card one long time ago (u been wan bff me tipatipa nigbayen hehe) but I dey gbadun your articles as well. See me in-camera!

    • Anon

      March 4, 2015 at 10:35 pm

      Na every post you go remind am say she give you card for MFM. Mbok, we don hear. Send her a private email if you desperately want to talk about it.

  42. jaygirl77

    February 25, 2015 at 6:45 am

    Funny that horrible things said about me have been from my so-called friends. So many but the most hurtful was I was getting married because I was pregnant. My offence was they didn’t know my husband, and the person they thought I would marry was their friend.I heard the gist on the eve of my wedding. Still didn’t believe me when I told them I wasn’t. Oh well, I guess I must have the longest pregnancy in history cos I had my baby 3yrs later!

  43. Chinco

    February 25, 2015 at 7:37 am

    The most ridiculous thing iv heard is when most of my male friends think i crushed on them while in University and I always say to them, how could I have crushed on like 4/5 guys around the same time, does it make sense? But they refuse to believe probably to make themselves feel good. Guys and their egos, smh.

  44. LMAOO, been laughing my head off. Most irritating I ever heard was because of something that happened in my office, my boss got one of our clients into trouble so I reported the case to the manager and the next thing I started hearing was that I wanted to take my supervisor’s job. Everyone began to see me as this ambitious dude that would do anything for a promotion.;. SMH

  45. nawah

    February 25, 2015 at 10:19 am

    I have a tiny voice nd den,wen my frend first heard my voice,she was like”wats wrong with ds one”….she tot I was forming accent oo,me wy no even dy understand British accent kwa,naw talkless of forming ahbi z it me dt was born nd bred in OGUN state dt wil be forming accent….we r sha frends naw tho nnd even wen I spoke to her mum on d fone,d woman still mimckd my voice…lolll

  46. Me

    February 25, 2015 at 1:04 pm

    *chuckle* My life has been full of all sorts of gist. I’m so used to being misinterpreted that it’s simply comical to me. Some say I’m a snob, some say I’m proud. As an undergraduate, some said I was dating a lecturer. Others have said I’m an aristo girl simply bcos I happen to drive a lemon green Honda Prelude (my little Limca,lol). When I shaved my hair, people decided I was a model, when I went from a size 10 to 6, “it must be a man that’s making her lose weight”. A guy who later became a friend was amazed at how well I speak English cos the first day he saw me, he concluded I was ‘razz’ cos I was speaking Yoruba. That and many more…I just laugh, shrug it off and move on.

  47. Hobby

    February 25, 2015 at 1:47 pm

    Nice write up Isio, I have heard all sort but the one that got me most was when I was told I have a child when I never even get correct boyfriend. And when I was told I was dating my boss. I just laughed hard and asked them for proof.

  48. demashi

    February 25, 2015 at 2:59 pm

    In the firm where I started my career over a decade ago, the rumour was that I was sleeping with this big Igbo babe and guys were shocked at how a small Yoruba guy like me could land such an obstinate babe. Truth was that we were mates and friends in the firm & and I never hugged her not to talk of sleeping with her or any other person for that matter. This came out when one of our seniors came and whispered in my ear “you are a strong man” at one of our coy dinners with the others smiling and giving me thumbs up at the other end of the hall. A colleague later told me that its been news all around for some months.

  49. Suzzie Blue

    February 25, 2015 at 3:11 pm

    Ayaya! LWKMD. Dominion! Dominion!

  50. ada nnewi

    February 25, 2015 at 5:24 pm

    You just explained exactly how i felt about this question…

  51. Glo

    February 27, 2015 at 8:58 am

    I have never met you but i have read most of your experiences in your blog and bitchy / snob doesn’t define you….in fact you seem friendly, warm and loyal…like someone i would enjoy being friends with… IGNORE them.
    #KeepBeingYou.

  52. ty

    February 28, 2015 at 11:02 pm

    My 4 year old can speak English and Yoruba fluently… infact young children can learn 4 languages perfectly btw ages 3-6…

  53. patsychy

    March 4, 2015 at 10:31 am

    ridiculous tales I have heard abt me was dat I was dating my boss,his brother and their father becos of the preferential treatment I usually get at the office from the family.Without my colleagues not knowing we all have been family friends.it got to a stage where I have to report them to our boss bcos de violence from then is getting serious,they were cautioned seriously and it stopped.Or is it the one said I am my two sisters are not biologically related bcos we dont look alike,even to a stage I asked my Dad and he laughed over it…..so as far as life goes on….tales will surely abound….

  54. myveryownself

    March 9, 2015 at 12:21 pm

    That was how I heard some yrs after my service yr from le boo dat a friend (who was also a corps member in the same state I served) told him (le boo) dat a mutual friend of ours who works with d SSS wanted marring me while we wer servin (wasn’t dating le boo den) so he had to send his SSS team to investigate if am wifey material so his SSS team had to follow me around town without my knowledge. And dat d team came back with the report dat I cant cook jack! hence I was always frequenting restaurants with a boyfriend of mine den. Lmao!! how ridiculous it sounded dat d SSS has bcome so idle plus did dey need to follow me around town find out if I can cook? thought dat would have been done in the kitchen?

  55. obiokoye jennifer

    March 15, 2015 at 12:48 pm

    Ha! Mine was back then in my 2nd year in school,i lost weight coz I was on a strict diet,was working out+ swimming then,i came back home after that semester and people where just talking of how much have lost weight, then this childhood friend of mind then told another friend who told me that I lost weight because of an abortion I had in school, as I heard it ehn,my head wan blow,my kid sister just stood up and excused herself only for me to be called later that my sister is beating the hell outta her outside,my kid sister fought the battle for me,i still love her for that till tomorrow…

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