Connect with us

Features

BN Prose: Finding the Right Man by Ugochi Ukah

Published

 on

It was 5pm; Yemisi and I were planning to attend church service by 6pm. I closed my eyes to take a quick nap but Yemisi started “We need to do something drastically before it gets too late, Funke.”
“Something like what, before what gets too late?” I asked as if I had no clue of what she was referring to.
“We have to get married before we turn thirty years old and we are almost there!” Yemisi continued in her usual dramatic manner.
“Point of correction, you are almost there. I still have about 2 more years” I said to console myself.
“I heard about this wise man, let’s give him a try.” She added.
I told her that I was not interested in visiting any native doctor but Yemisi persisted. She said that she had heard positive things about him; he was just an old man who spoke words of wisdom and could for-see the future occasionally, and that his abilities had nothing to do with juju. Shaking my head vehemently throughout her speech did not detain her. She continued talking adamantly until I finally gave in. She promised to make all the arrangements and so all I needed to do was to follow her to Baba’s place (as she addressed him) and tell him what I wanted in my man.

On the day of our appointment with Baba, I began to scribble on a piece of paper as I waited for Yemisi to get dressed.
“What are you writing down so seriously?” she asked. I showed her and she read it aloud:
My dream man: – Tall, handsome, Yoruba, Anglican, good job, generous, good dentition, caring/loving, at least a master’s degree, good dancer, preferably bilingual…
“Are you crazy?! Where are you taking this list to?” she started yelling.
“But I thought you said we could tell Baba exactly what we wanted” I said in my defense.
“I never said he was a magician. Don’t bring that stupid list along please” she said as she threw it into the bin.

We began our journey to Baba’s house; it was located in a faraway place in the outskirts of Lagos. I had never been there before and the road leading to his place was crooked and eventually led to a pathway through a forest-like environment. The atmosphere crept me out and I became paranoid, jumping over stones and sticks on the pathway and screaming at every insect that moved. I kept complaining along the way to Yemisi – “How did you even get to know such a place? Who did you say introduced you to him? Really, I hope this is not one of those spiritualists in Nigerian movies? When are we getting there…?”
“Shh! We are here now” Yemisi finally spoke after ignoring me for half an hour.

Baba’s house did not look as dodgy as I had half-expected it to be. It was a small but neat place and did not have any red ribbons or clothes tied anywhere around. In front of the house, there was a chalk-written sign board that read: Finding your dream man or woman. Please take off your footwear before you come in.
I was slightly impressed that the words were spelt correctly with punctuation marks and my nerves began to calm down slowly. I only wondered whether some men actually came here for sessions too .We followed the instructions and went in. Baba sat at a cane chair, wearing a pair of trousers and a singlet and chewing bamboo stick. He did not stand to greet us and merely grunted to our greetings. He looked like he was in his seventies and barely spoke but when he did, he spoke quite well. Yemisi did most of the talking while I nodded. We were asked to sow some seeds before we started our session and my skepticism began rising again. Yemisi seemed to have expected this and did not hesitate to donate some money on our behalf. Eventually he asked her what she wanted in her husband and her response was “Any man that can take good care of me, financially and otherwise.”
“Very good and very easy” Baba said. “You will meet a man on the twelfth day from today. He might not seem attractive initially as he is bald and but don’t turn him away because he’s the one for you.”

I almost burst out laughing and had to refrain from rolling my eyes but Yemisi looked quite pleased as if her prayers had been answered. It was my turn next and I brought out my list which I had picked up from the bin when Yemisi was not looking. I could see the look of surprise and scathe on her face but I ignored her. I unrumpled the paper and handed it over to Baba.
Mhmm, he grunted as he read through the list, nodded at each point and sometimes saying “good…very good.” When he had finished, he asked me to follow him. We went to his backyard; Yemisi followed too.
“Look around you” Baba said. I looked; the place was filled with pots, pans, mortars, pestles and other utensils, all made from clay.
“It’s…it is nice” I said, not understanding the correlation between his landscape and my request for a husband. Yemisi also looked confused.
“You see the art of pottery is one which seems forgotten by many of the younger generations but its importance can never be overshadowed.” he paused.
“So…?” I asked, now getting impatient.
“So for you to get the man of your dreams, you would need to learn how to mould him first in the perfect figure that you want and then pray to God to breathe life into him.” Baba added.
I caught a glimpse of Yemisi’s face which looked well-humoured before she quickly looked away.
“Is this a joke?” I asked; I was not amused.

Baba spat on the ground. “A joke? The wise man never jokes. Now leave my house before I curse you!” he looked really angry. Yemisi muttered her thanks and pulled me out of Baba’s place quickly before I could say another word. She started running and I followed; we ran until we were closer to the crooked paved road. I was panting by now; I was furious with both Baba and Yemisi and I did not hold my tongue back as we argued on the entire way back home.
Soon afterwards, Yemisi was getting married and I was her maid of honour. I was still single and I began to wish that I had listened patiently to Baba. I felt like crying; as I headed towards the bathroom, standing across the room from me was a tall, handsome man. He looked like the man of my dreams and he was smiling at me; I stood still, smiling back. He started walking towards me; my heart was beating fast as I could feel the instant connection. Just as he drew nearer to me, I woke up suddenly, sweating.

It was 10pm now and Yemisi lay fast asleep next to me. It took a minute for me to realise that I had met the man of my dreams in my dream!

Photo Credit: Dreamstime | Arne9001

Ugochi V Ukah is a student and loves writing in her spare time; using sarcasm, humour and wit to relay her thoughts. Visit her blog for more stories at: www.ugochivukah.blogspot.com and follow her on twitter @vivio_gogo and IG: @ugochiukah

48 Comments

  1. Peculiar Okafor

    March 17, 2015 at 12:12 pm

    Hehehehe ‘met the man of your dreams in your dreams’.

    I love this writeup.

    I’m getting my TDHGRT bruv

  2. prettydordor

    March 17, 2015 at 12:14 pm

    Loool. An interesting story I must say. Nobody is perfect, we can only accept d imperfections of life perfectly. Baba can attest to that too

  3. modesty

    March 17, 2015 at 12:24 pm

    hmmmmmmmmm………….. cant stop laughing…… nice one

  4. some hater

    March 17, 2015 at 12:26 pm

    Awesome write up!

  5. Again?

    March 17, 2015 at 12:26 pm

    This story is cliched at best. We are tired of finding mr right before i’m 30 stories please. Give us stories that will improve our thinking capacity and actually excite us. Run a thriller series or something abeg.

    • nil

      March 17, 2015 at 12:42 pm

      Take several \___ and appreciate

    • Ife

      March 17, 2015 at 3:01 pm

      How about you write one yourself…swerve biko!

  6. Amy

    March 17, 2015 at 12:32 pm

    I love itttttttttttttt. I could picture it all in my mind’s eye. This is what you call good writing especially when a writer is able to carry the reader along in his or her own imagination

  7. jeyne

    March 17, 2015 at 12:38 pm

    Hahaha……. this got me “man of my dream”

  8. jab

    March 17, 2015 at 12:40 pm

    Lol!fantastic story,kip it up dear,d lord is ur strength

  9. @edDREAMZ

    March 17, 2015 at 12:41 pm

    a.k.a EDWIN CHINEDU AZUBUKO said…
    .
    Lmaooooo…… Yu could mould ur man nw.. Very funny write up no doubt….
    .
    .
    ***CURRENTLY IN JUPITER***

  10. Grown Woman

    March 17, 2015 at 12:46 pm

    hahahahahah this was one funny article the struggle to fight a mr right is not a joke…we ladies can do all sorts of things just to find Mr. right lol let be patient and the right man will come along 🙂

  11. Nully

    March 17, 2015 at 1:16 pm

    Really funny, weda you are 30 or 50 years, The Bible says non shall lack her mate. As far as your desire to be married God will place it in your hand. Just live holy.

  12. mrs chidukane

    March 17, 2015 at 1:29 pm

    Loool, very funny

  13. Anonymous

    March 17, 2015 at 1:45 pm

    Nice write-up, I hardly comment on Social Media, but this I can’t let it pass.

    I just got out of a terrible relationship all in the name of ‘No Perfect Man’. Please I do not want every lady to go into a relationship with a mind set that there is no perfect man, hence you would take every bull shi** that comes with it. Hey Boo, ain’t you even worried about your self esteem? Ain’t you worried that he doesn’t care and you do? Ain’t you worried about how he treats you? if all these is the definition of a perfect Man, then I don’t think its too much to ask for…..

  14. Mr Ekoh

    March 17, 2015 at 1:53 pm

    Dear Ugochi,

    Re; Man of your dreams

    I am tall (5;11), handsome (some ladies and even brothers have told me so; am not gay ooo), I am Anglican (even confirmed in the Anglican church), I have a good job (what is your definition of good job?), good dentition, very caring and loving. I am educated to a masters level (infact I have two masters degree), good dancer (I dance more with my mid region if you understand what I mean), bilingual (I speak Igbo and English fluently).

    I am not Yoruba but if I have lived in Lagos state for more than 10 years, could it be said that I have naturalised as a Yoruba man?
    Generous….I have about 3 degrees in Economics. Do you think I can ever be generous?

    But there is one challenge……….I am engaged and though I am an African man, my fiancee will not allow me to marry a second wife.

    Do I still qualify as the man of your dream?

    • Personal Signature

      March 17, 2015 at 2:22 pm

      hahaha

    • chukwukadibia

      March 17, 2015 at 4:17 pm

      Mr ekoh,gerout jor…lol.very funny write up though!!

    • Audiee

      March 17, 2015 at 9:23 pm

      Let me reply on her behalf…… NO!

    • ariyike

      June 29, 2015 at 11:30 am

      Lmao…you are a clown

  15. lola

    March 17, 2015 at 1:53 pm

    lmao, nice write up.hilarious but still makes intelligent sense

  16. Nonye

    March 17, 2015 at 2:02 pm

    Nice one!

  17. Abster

    March 17, 2015 at 2:19 pm

    BUHHAAHHAHAHAHHAAHAA LOOOOL! Man of my dreams, in my dream!

  18. Personal Signature

    March 17, 2015 at 2:20 pm

    Nice piece!

    Where did the concept of Mr Right come from sef that has made our ladies to embark on an unending search for Mr Right?

    The concept of right and wrong is contextual and means different things to different people. For the writer and many other ladies, Mr Right is that tall, handsome, dark, rich, hot and caring man. For others, Mr right is who will satisfy them emotionally, sexually and financially……

    Mr/Ms “right” never existed in the bible- Whosoever findeth a “wife”, finds a good thing. Another version says he who finds a “true wife”. This is because not every man is capable of being a husband and not every woman is capable of taking up the responsibilities of a wife.

    The stress here is a wife/ a husband. What is the role of a husband? what is the role of a wife? If you find the characteristics of a husband in a man (xtics of a wife in a lady), you have found favour from God. Since all are His children and made in His image, all of them have His blessings. Praying about the man is an added advantage, to the knows past, present and future.

    The bible didn’t say he who finds a wealthy man, he who finds a tall man; he who finds a dark man, he who finds a man with a car, masters degree or house in Asokoro or Dubai…..but he who finds a wife/husband.

    The question is what are you looking for in a man? The concept of Mr right is based on your own judgement.

    In conclusion, there is nothing like Mr Right or Mr wrong.

    • papermoon

      March 17, 2015 at 5:53 pm

      “Mr/Ms “right” never existed in the bible- Whosoever findeth a “wife”, finds a good thing” really, i beg to differ on this one. When God himself brought Adam’s wife (the one meant for him), and Adam saw her, he said “BONE OF MY BONE, FLESH OF MY FLESH” that is “Mr. Write and Mrs. Write”!. Many couples today are advised to marry the person and then try to make them “the bone and the flesh” so marriages are hard these days. Many are getting married to partners that they think “he is ok, I will take him like that, i cant have him perfect” . I dont think God intended for us to take our partners like “that”. He intended to give us the “person” thats why when he was going to creat Eve, he did not pick the clay again, not wood, or glass, he went for the bone of a particular man because Eve was meant for that man. If a woman is destined to marry, then the rib from which she came is some where waiting for her same applies to a man. The difficult part is that, just as the devil was in the garden of Eden putting impediments on the way, he is still on this earth doing the same thats why people make wrong choices all over. If you want to apply common sense to marriage, you will smell pepper. You pray that God take you back to rib you came from, or that he you to your rib so you can carry it away. That is a “Mr Right” and a “Mrs. Right”. Some come early others have to wait, and when they do arrive, in your eyes they are PERFECT, no matter what. The coming of Jesus Christ took us back to Garden of Eden and back to the Eden way of doing things. In Eden, God brings your Mr. Right or Mrs. Right. apologies for the epistle.

    • papermoon

      March 17, 2015 at 6:29 pm

      I agree with the part about “Whosoever findeth a “wife”, finds a good thing”. it was not suppose to be part of the sentence I responded to.

    • fumble

      March 17, 2015 at 8:44 pm

      Papermoon, read what you wrote again
      no coherence at all

      ok we have heard you. You said something clap for yourself

  19. Ndee

    March 17, 2015 at 2:27 pm

    Brilliant use of wit and imagination, well done dear! Mr. Ekoh!!! Lol! I even tot u wanted to apply. Go jor!

  20. janeth

    March 17, 2015 at 2:46 pm

    No place in the bible states you must marry at any given AGE…First discover yourself and must first be the right lady before finding Mr right if there is any self…….# marriage stories everywhere you go biko we should hear more about Word of God.

  21. nne

    March 17, 2015 at 2:48 pm

    Beautiful write up……”man of my dreams in my dream”……lol

  22. Ife

    March 17, 2015 at 3:16 pm

    Beautifully written, i enjoyed reading this!
    Btw, Not every man/woman can be molded o! it takes love, willingness and patience on both sides (the potter and the clay) for someone to be moulded into an ideal spouse.

  23. YetundeAkinjoyegbe

    March 17, 2015 at 3:37 pm

    Beautiful…….
    olorioyinade.blogspot.com

  24. Ibukun

    March 17, 2015 at 4:48 pm

    Very funny article. I laughed throughout. Nice one.

  25. ayobami

    March 17, 2015 at 4:50 pm

    Lool lovely write up. @mrekoh you are not serious thought you wanted to apply

  26. Barbie

    March 17, 2015 at 5:09 pm

    @ Mr. Ekoh you gat me laffing… This is a very hilarious piece. I share the same vision of your type of dream man. honestly I cant imagine myself dating a short guy. All my life I have always dreamt of a tall man, with a good dentition etc. God help me cos am 28 going to 29.. But i still believe my tall dream man would come very soon . mean in reality and not in my dreams ooh…lolz

    • fumble

      March 17, 2015 at 8:48 pm

      Barbie, it is very simple dear
      if no tall man comes, just stay single
      afterall life is not all about marriage

      in other words, are you very short yourself? its short girls dat detest short guys make dem no give birth to pygmies

  27. Chimuanya

    March 17, 2015 at 5:37 pm

    @ Mr Ekoh, biko kwusikwa that rough play!!!!

    @ Barbie..me I’m joining my faith with yours

    I remember I have always wanted an Anglican & Ibo mix, though it seems i keep missing out on those kind of men. Blame it on growing up in the west, where Ibo guys seem to be as scarce as PVC cards.

    To make matters worse the current guy who seems genuinely interested in me is from Edo state, Ishan or esan, dont really know the spelling. I have always said i cant marry from that state ohh. Much as he is great and seems so transparent about everything and also intelligent, my heart is telling me he is not the one sha. #confused as to whether i should give it a try or not.

    • papermoon

      March 17, 2015 at 6:39 pm

      madam, if it is not sitting well in your heart, i am not sure it will sit well in your soul and body ooo…

    • Anonymous

      March 21, 2015 at 2:05 pm

      Hi Chimuanya. Your story reminds me of myself before I got married. I am Ibo and I want exactly what you wanted. In my case, the only genuine person was an Edo guy Benin to be precise. I had this strong feeling he wasn’t the one for me too . Guess what? I’m married to this same Edo man n I am having a blast in my marriage. It’s simply bliss. Ask God for the man that is trully yours. He may just be that Ishan boy :).

  28. Ticky

    March 17, 2015 at 7:04 pm

    U r gud @ wat u do dear,keep it up.

  29. Maye

    March 17, 2015 at 7:38 pm

    Beautiful piece,captivating.

  30. jennifer

    March 17, 2015 at 8:05 pm

    I love it

  31. Techiekoko

    March 17, 2015 at 8:30 pm

    Nice one boo…I see some faith joiners here. lol

  32. Audiee

    March 17, 2015 at 9:24 pm

    Nice write up,I’m proud of my sister

  33. emeraldish

    March 18, 2015 at 9:01 am

    @chimuanya follow your heart

  34. TallDude

    March 19, 2015 at 7:56 am

    Dude, 5′ 11″ ain’t tall for a man! You’ve failed already 🙂
    Funny piece though

  35. funtizzy

    April 7, 2015 at 8:14 pm

    it was only a dream, oh no. she saw him

  36. anniemanny

    August 6, 2015 at 12:25 pm

    i had fun reading this article, good job Ugochi

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Star Features

Advertisement
css.php