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Esco: The Thing About Sexual Power

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Nackson spies Nwaolodo looking at him from across the room at a Victoria Island night club one Friday night. The attraction is instant like cheap noodles cooked with a boiling ring, so he scurries over to say hi and chat her up. The conversation in summary goes like this:
Nackson: Hi, my name is Nackson and I am a banker. Keystone Bank, to be exact. Can I get to know you deeply?
Nwaolodo: Nice to meet you Nackson, Here are my digits. I am on Glo network, by the way.

So Nackson and Nwaolodo exchange phone numbers. First date, they go to Sweet Kiwi for frozen yoghurt, but the cold dairy is not the only thing giving Nackson brain-freeze. He is checking out Nwaolodo’s really fit figure, and the fact that she has legs for days, like the stilts of an Atilogwu dancer. She has the kind of slim waist that deserves to be decorated with the most expensive jigida beads. She also smells real fresh and clean, like she carries Camphor permanently in her front pockets. Nackson is no beast in the looks department either – so the attraction is mutual. At the movies, they play footsie and hold hands in the back row seats. The movie “Foxcatcher” is showing, but Nackson is only interested in his little vixen Nwaolodo.

By the end of the evening, they are shagging furiously at Nackson’s place. The sex is immaculate, orgasmic and satisfying. It is not wham-bam-thank-you-ma’am sex. No sir. Nackson lasts and lasts like a China made “I better pass my neighbor” generator running on 5 litres of diesel. Nwaolodo is thoroughly satisfied with the experience. They are sexually compatible, and decide to date each other exclusively. Months later Nackson proposes one night after 3 bouts of glorious intercourse and Nwaolodo accepts like a politician who concedes defeat after INEC announces the results. They marry, and enjoy a great sex life. All is well in world, and somewhere under the Eko Bridge in Lagos, a butterfly successfully pollinates a Hibiscus flower. Somewhere in Abuja, batches of Senators declare their assets and return stolen millions. The end, and the studio audience applaud.

However in real life, sex is not always that easy or smooth. Many times the body is willing, but the mind is weak. Or vice versa. Here are a few real life problems:

• Erectile dysfunction or penile malfunction – This wahala is tailor-made for guys. A girl you have fancied for months, finally agrees to come and “see” you at your place. You spruce your room up, remove the clothes from the bed, change the sheets, stock diesel for the generator, and send the house-help to the market to buy ingredients for jollof rice. She arrives looking the business. Before you know it, you are both exchanging saliva, as you kiss passionately like people comparing toothpaste flavors. You pull out your Gold Circle condom as she strips to the nakedness of nude, and then it all goes south, including your erection. No matter how hard she tries to arouse you, and her nakedness never helps, you fail to stand attention. She rains curses on your generation, and takes her leave. The house-help is still preparing the jollof rice.
How are you ever going to get down, if you can’t get up?

• Accidental discharge – Ever lost your NYSC discharge certificate? That would be frustrating, huh? But what about if you discharge or ejaculate prematurely without even being touched by your partner? You do not get a certificate for that. No sir, this problem is real. Smoking, bad diet, being overweight are said to be contributory causes. Sometimes being overzealous or too eager is another factor. For less serious cases caused by over-eagerness, some urban legends have recommended an anti-dote of a cocktail (no pun intended) of Guinness Stout, raw eggs, Cowbell condensed milk and Red Bull energy drink. The result? Mixed at best. A newspaper headline of Extra Extra! Man slumps and dies under runs girl during hot bout of sex in motel.

• He (or she) can’t get off without porn or weed or without paying for sex – I had a friend, who had a friend who could not have sex without being high or watching porn before or during that act. It was an addiction. It was also an affliction. Another friend of a friend could not have sex if he didn’t pay for it somehow. He had to justify it in his mind to enjoy, so he would either hire a prostitute, or take a “normal girl” out and spend on her like it was going out of fashion. Then he could have sex. If she wanted to have sex, before he took her out, it was no cigar. I hear he has managed to get married. How could he consummate the marriage, with his strange kink of having to pay for sex? He overpaid the girl’s dowry.

• People who want to replicate the sexual styles they see on TV or in porn movies – despite the fact that they do not have the physical fitness or constitution or logistics for this Kama Sutra styles. Have you ever had a girl say “Please carry me, and shag me against the wall.” Eh no babe, remember that I am an unfit, unstrong man who even struggles to bend to lace his own shoes.

Or when a guy wants to do reverse cowboy but does not have the girth or length for such an enterprise.

• There are those that are not just into sex. I know this married chick who is like that – frigid and rigid. She is totally asexual. It is not a matter of whether she feels attraction for her partner or if he stimulates her long enough. She is not just into intercourse. Her frustrated husband tried everything. On Valentine’s day he bought her La Senza lingerie sleep set, and had warming lube at the ready. She changed into pajama trouser set to sleep the next night and wrapped herself with a thick blanket excluding him. In frustration he went to the living room, and sat up all night watching Africa Magic. They have been to counselors, mediators, relatives, pastors, spiritualists, doctors, Esco, the works. They might have well have gone to the police, because the only way she would have consistent, non-biological sex with him is at gunpoint. She sees sex for procreation and not recreation, and she laid there while her husband did his thing. Mssschew… please pass me the tissue when you are finished.

No field of human endeavor is perfect, and neither is sexing. The media via Hollywood, Nollywood, Yollywood and the music industry sell an unrealistic view of sex. Sex is not always as smooth it looks in the Durex adverts, or in that movie where the couple cannot wait to get home and tear their clothes off each other, and so hump in the bar bathroom stall (with all the smells and faeces in the toilet). In real life, there are frustrations, inhibitions, physical unfitness, dry vaginas, failed libidos plus NEPA takes light. It can be short, nasty and brutish. It would be foolish to think that everyone else is tearing down walls in the bedroom, while in reality they may be living with blue balls and cold showers. And Vaseline.

How is your sex life?

They say sex is a weapon/
So when I shoot, meet your death in less than 8 seconds/

Jay-Z “Ain’t Nobody”

Photo Credit: Deamstime | Gstockstudio1

Fellow Nigerians, it is with the utmost pride and sincerity that I present these memoranda as a living testament and recollection of history in the making during our generation. Preamble: Esco is a lampoonist, content provider for hire, and convener of the blog Literati: Satires On Nigerian Life www.woahnigeria.wordpress.com, which is a symposium to project the conditions of every Nigerian and inspire young people all over the world. He is currently working on his memoirs “The Great, Wonderful Adventures of Esco”, which will be available in 2016. Esco can be reached for scripting writing, ghost writing and editing work by email at [email protected] Oh, and he occasionally tweets at @Escowoah.

46 Comments

  1. Mystique

    April 24, 2015 at 10:33 am

    This is steamy oooooo……BN, find me a boo; cant indulge in sex before marriage so didn’t bother reading to the end when i cant use the info later 🙁 #nohatingplease

    • datUNNchic

      April 24, 2015 at 11:02 am

      i guess u r like dfrigid lady in d article…..boohaha….ok,strike that… just kidding….seriousky dis article got me wet oh….feel like cuddling charles(myboo)…lol#okbye#rropsmic

    • Chiemeka Ugo

      April 24, 2015 at 11:02 am

      Am here for you ?. No Wahala we don’t need to indulge in the sex before marriage, I can wait for it. Bhut am promising you that on our wedding night it will be a crazy sex marathon. Different styles and 4 rounds before the cock crows?.

    • Author Unknown

      April 24, 2015 at 3:00 pm

      Crazy marathon sex with a virgin on your wedding night? Yet another fantasy vs. reality case.

      Truth about sexual relations is that you should never feel pressured into doing it. If you’re not ready to, please don’t. You also have to be mentally prepared, because it goes well beyond the physical act. This way, you’ll be relaxed. A little bit of apprehension is okay, but like everything else, you’ll get more comfortable with time. In my opinion, avoid a high body count, and most importantly, please protect yourself always. Sex can become a matter of life and death, and I mean that literally. If you’re both “clean” and are faithful, you will be fine, but how do you know someone has been truly faithful?

    • Paloma

      April 24, 2015 at 1:18 pm

      Doesnt matter if u read it to the end na, that wont make u indulge in sex if u dont wanna…try to be educated before marriage.

  2. 4EVA 21

    April 24, 2015 at 10:45 am

    BN MIND WHAT YOU POST ON THIS BLOG.KIDS GO ON THIS BLOG AND ARTICLES ABOUT SEX SHOULD BE RESTRICTED.NA PEOPLE LIKE YOU THIS SPOIL THIS GENERATION.

    • Sugar

      April 24, 2015 at 1:08 pm

      Oh pleasseeeeeeeee.Carry your holier than thou attitude somewherelse jare. i

    • Que

      April 24, 2015 at 2:03 pm

      Na pikin wey never spoil from their house this article wan spoil?

      In other news, i’m probably weird, but I don’t see d overly x-rated thing bout this that’s getting pple wet.
      Nice piece regardless.

    • Idomagirl

      April 26, 2015 at 2:10 pm

      Abeg \___

    • Kemmy

      April 28, 2015 at 2:19 pm

      hmnnnn, i hear u. So, is it now better for them to go and learn from the wrong sources ni??…lol. the only people u can refer to as “CHILDREN IS THIS GENERATION” are those below the age of 5.

  3. JAYNNE

    April 24, 2015 at 10:55 am

    TRUE TALK

  4. datUNNchic

    April 24, 2015 at 11:02 am

    *drops

  5. LOL

    April 24, 2015 at 11:15 am

    So true. Sex is not like d movies or books. When I first started having sex at the ‘old age’ of 23, was so unimpressed. Like awkward positioning, a penis slipping out, penis entering the wrong hole, having to clean up, dryness, no having simultaneous orgasms etc! All those parts they never ever show in the movies. Infact, I was in shock and hugely disappointed. All in all, from my short and limited sexual experience, sex is best when you’re absolutely comfortable in your skin and with your partner because, it’s just too messy and awkward a lot of the time.
    I have chosen celibacy until I find that mister that makes me very comfortable and puts a ring on it. I can’t shout.

    • cleo

      April 24, 2015 at 1:59 pm

      Same with me @ LOL, except that i believe i was disappointed at the outcome of the act because i was hounded by the fact that i was fornicating, so i didn’t give it my all. I hope to have a exciting sexual experience when i eventually get married.

  6. FMB

    April 24, 2015 at 11:15 am

    Esco for President!!! I love his writeups…hilarious, yet so true and educational.

  7. Me

    April 24, 2015 at 11:29 am

    Lovely story….but the writing style kinda makes it a chore to read..what’s with the cheesy similies..?

    • Me

      April 24, 2015 at 11:37 am

      And I take it back..commented before finishing. Please do not swallow me..

  8. T.girl

    April 24, 2015 at 11:56 am

    mr 4Ever 21.. simply cus kids come up here doesn’t mean we d mature once shouldn’t read something different for a change, there are sites, stations etc meant for kids so if they are well trained or have gud parents who keep gud watch over dem, they wont be here. *That aside, this is a very gud article for those who think sex is exciting nd all base on wat they see on TV nd so on, I know a story of a lady who keeps shagging her husbands lil bro simply cus her husbands thing is not big enough, they wernt sexually active until they got married nd it was already too late by den, there are so many problems attached to dis thing nd some of which are spiritual.

  9. pornhub

    April 24, 2015 at 12:13 pm

    ESCO!! You are one crazy brother. ..

  10. Meah

    April 24, 2015 at 12:26 pm

    This article is hilarious!! Nackson? Nwaolodo?? you pant, Esco!

    My ex isnt one you’ll call a Mr. Macho but dude morphs into Samson when he’s in the mood. He once carried all 82kg that is me and pinned me against the wall. The shock of it still makes my head reel…The point of this article for me is very key though: reality is hardly ever what we imagine.

  11. blow

    April 24, 2015 at 12:27 pm

    Educative article,,,,,,

  12. tunmi

    April 24, 2015 at 12:39 pm

    😀
    You actually hit on the major points. Lubrication sef deserves an entire post. There is nothing fun in Whamming a dry vagina. And then guys who don’t reciprocate oral…why are you here again? Or the ones who have a problem kissing the girl/guy who just gave you such sensations…

    Sex is fun when all parties are comfortable and are having fun. And there should be conversations about it before and after the act. And then there is size which truly does not matter. Long penises make a lot of positions painful, so forget riding. And if the girth is too wide, one must be properly lubricated.

  13. Rynyx

    April 24, 2015 at 12:42 pm

    What will kids be doing on a blog site? shouldn’t what they are exposed to be censored by their parents? #justsaying. This is not fair na Bella, how do you expect us to concentrate at work after reading an article like this? This should have an additional caption: After Dark.

  14. Paloma

    April 24, 2015 at 1:16 pm

    Love the sarcasm he puts in his writing…

  15. Rahama

    April 24, 2015 at 1:23 pm

    Esco you mad man! Been following your write ups for years now! Love your descriptive power!

    Hollywood makes it seem like sex is always perfect n smooth…. For where? It’s usually far from it! From faking orgasms to vagina farts it can all be messy. My sex life is going through a dry spell aha. Bros is outta town so no action for me. My cute neighbour gives me that naughty smile every now and then but I don’t think I can do away match like that. He’s very cute, young and sexy as hell but….. Anyway sha my fingers and pornhub are keeping my something busy.

  16. goodiebagman

    April 24, 2015 at 1:35 pm

    Ayyyeeee bruh LOL! Esco you’re a confirmed guy. *Chop this knuckle* Dropping punchlines like your name is maypacquiao. Very funny write up…keep up the good work.

  17. Anon

    April 24, 2015 at 1:43 pm

    Hubby now too lazy wanting me to do all the work hiss, tired but wants sex. Makes me wish at times i did enough experimenting before getting married hiss.

  18. Psychic

    April 24, 2015 at 1:50 pm

    my second ex was the carrier,carrying me from wall to wall,kitchen,toilet,bathroom,round 2 round dt was d life,.usually have what ud call a HARD ON,the thing doesn’t drool anyhow,i became a fit girl…but 3rd EX will hold u by d hand and lead you to d room,falls right asleep afterwards for like 20mins,can’t go on 2nd round until after 24hrs,hardon not pure,not sure,u hard or playing..Choi at 33,what will be ur portion at 48…na in i quick waka pass…and u know the thing about the people like 3rd EX, na dem dey ask question pass:u feeling me,u feeling it baby!…taaa abeg do,make i bath

    • Sugar

      April 24, 2015 at 2:22 pm

      loooool “abeg do make i bathe”. Ure so hilarious. But all this wall ramming ehnnnnn i wonder what it feels like, wall to wall pillar to pillar. Some people have sexual experiences sha. I need to be married ASAP let me experience all these pillar to kitchen sex, I’m officially tired of imaginations in my head.

    • Laraba

      April 24, 2015 at 3:01 pm

      You just killed me….hahahahhahahahahhaa. “you feeling me, you feeling me” lol.

    • Kemmy

      April 28, 2015 at 2:38 pm

      @ Psychic, how u spoke my mind, even baffles the gods in my village! I kept laffing till my stomach started paining me. I hope ur current isn’t too much of a Johnny Bravo cos i don’t trust all those guys with tiny waists.

  19. gb

    April 24, 2015 at 1:58 pm

    ESCO after the long analysis ,you proffer no solution. is it an illusion? what then is that sexual power? am lost

  20. J.D.S

    April 24, 2015 at 2:40 pm

    ESCO FOR PRESIDENT ABEG !!!
    Well i have been EXTREMELY lucky in that area…all the boos have been carriers and last long lools….tho one use to have bouts of erectile dysfunction sha…..very frustrating very very very !
    well this sister has been single for a yle so no action…i wud rather have no sex tho than bad sex…

  21. GoodSpeed

    April 24, 2015 at 3:56 pm

    Hmmm. I think I dn’t have a problem. With all this,just watting to put a ring. In my woman’s finger and den show her how hot dis thing looks every morning when it dosent alow me to get out of bed.

  22. zainab

    April 24, 2015 at 3:57 pm

    This write up is HOT, addressing the situation as it is.

  23. Melynda

    April 24, 2015 at 4:28 pm

    Ewo!! Are you feeling me?
    1st time I heard it from boo, I was like what is wrong with this one……….funny shit.
    My sexual preferences is don’t last more than 10 minutes , I get bored easily especially with the whole ramming and penteration is real wahala,am always tight and dry, takes a lot to get me wet.
    Am a foreplay babe, can kiss for days and cuddle forever.
    Ooh yeah, one of my ex told me, am sexually boring all because I didn’t want to indulge in his Jackie chan style. No bi me you go kill abeg.

  24. ify

    April 24, 2015 at 6:43 pm

    My sex life is weird, my hubby and I have sex once in 2 months.?

    • Tosin

      April 25, 2015 at 7:06 pm

      not weird.
      people are different.
      and sex can be lame/boring sometimes.
      that said, try small more 🙂

  25. Hashva

    April 25, 2015 at 9:28 am

    I know the feeling mehn, sex is nt just about physical satisfaction for me, u gotta get me emotionally satisfied first, unfortunately learnt this after my marriage (stayed a Virgin till then and had so many fantasies that fell through)..now the thought of sex absolutely bores me to death and I’m not even 2yrs married (maybe I’m weird).

    • chi-e-z

      April 26, 2015 at 2:50 am

      eya pele well there’s always vids 🙂 on a serious note sha maybe ask him 4 a lil foreplay or watch smthing 2gether might help. and don’t be afraid of toys apparently it’s been in existence 4 more than 300yrs they just discovered a i think 300yr dildo that thing was huge too apparently whoever was using it dropped in restroom etc lol…stuff archeaologists discover

    • beebee

      May 28, 2015 at 10:13 am

      I totally agree, and same here…..

  26. chifire

    April 25, 2015 at 11:49 am

    @hashva. GBAM!

  27. mimi meme

    April 26, 2015 at 5:43 pm

    Thank you guys… This really helps

  28. Joy Love

    April 29, 2015 at 12:14 am

    The write up is cool elaborating on it’s descriptive power…..To love is to have sex as many rounds as possible, different styles, VARIOUS POSITIONS, NAME IT. amongst others….But really it’s becomes fetish when the Gods disapprove….it….wise words, If you are not capable MAKE IT SECRET IT’S COOL THAT WAY. The questions can you have sex with as many persons as possible…..Modernity these days permit as many sex partners as possible…..Some will rather continue to experiment with their one and only deriving maximum satisfaction at intervals
    Lastly some girls don’t think there mouths can be so smelly and yet want some satisfaction….I will run away….Girls brush your mouth when next.

  29. bibiblue

    April 29, 2015 at 5:51 pm

    Trust me so of us are lucky experiencing hollywood sex,my boo can get a hard on in 10mis and last for the next 1hr,carry me to the bathroom, kitchen infact everywhere in the house lucky meeeeeeee

  30. Ayo

    October 9, 2015 at 11:33 pm

    lot of guys have erectile dysfunction due to what they eat or drink,some dudes can take sugary drinks twice or thrice a day,most guys now adays don’t take the normal agbo jedi routine every morning,to me sex is a great thing to have,I have sex at least 3 days in a week,I can’t date a babe that can’t have it that way,nice write up though

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