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William Ifeanyi Moore: The Illusion of Experience

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I have always been rather wary of my relative inexperience with relationships considering my age; and this has made me wonder just how qualified I am to address some of the issues I attempt to tackle in my writing. I found myself thinking somewhere along these lines after receiving a phone call informing me about my success with a new job I applied for that will require me to work at the capacity of an editor. I am a writer, but writing novels and poems isn’t quite the same as being the editor of a magazine. For that I have pretty much zero experience, and it kept me up at night wondering if I had what it would take to fulfill the requirements of the job. I had to ask myself what exactly is the value of experience in this field and the only analogy I could come up with was one with dating and relationships. Allow me to explain.

On the surface we have this idea that experience is always a good thing. It only seems normal that one will be better at something after doing it for an extended period of time, right? The reality is actually quite different. If there was any truth to this concept then it should follow that the older a relationship is, the happier together the couple should be. Not unless relationships are naturally supposed to get worse with time until death or divorce do us apart. However, from what I can observe, this is hardly the case. Most married people I know just about tolerate each other for the sake of image or consolation in old age. Emotionally, most of these people are divorced even if they pretend otherwise in public spaces. Then there is also the problem of time and its limits to consider. My parents with their old school ways can’t exactly give me current relationship advice. Not because they know nothing about relationships, but because what dating and marriage meant in their time isn’t exactly what it means today. Surely, there are similarities and there are areas where I would need to listen to them, but if I want to be as ready for a healthy relationship as possible, I will have to invest my time in self improvement and the study of relationships relative to my own time.

In my humble opinion we have gone well past the days of the dominating man and the submissive woman. The concept of genders role more or less exists only as sexist ideas. If you are a man and consider yourself exempt from all domestic chores, you better have enough money to pay a maid. I don’t need to tell you that woman are becoming the major bread winners in many homes. Most men in our parent’s generation can’t even turn on the stove and the idea of a wife being richer than the husband was quite a rarity. Then flash backwards to our grandparents where polygamy was even still in vogue and think about our parents taking advice from them. You can only imagine what the worldview on women and relationships was at that time and how far it has come.

My advice to my fellow inexperienced singletons is that while picking up as much as we can from the ‘experienced’ grownups, it has never been more important to invest in self-improvement to broaden our mind and ready ourselves for the big day (there is also the option of reaming single).

What are your thoughts on the relationship between experience and relationships? Do you think it really matters how long one has been in the game for? Or is it more a matter of the mindset and preparation you come in with? After all an editor with a better grasp on what the modern day reader would be engaged in would produce a far better magazine than an out of touch old timer. You have the floor my dearest readers.

Photo Credit: Dreamstime |  Darren Baker 

William Ifeanyi Moore is an MPharm graduate from the University of Portsmouth, UK. His true passion is in novels and poetry but he cheats on them with movies, plays, and music. He believes sacrifice and compromise is the bedrock of any healthy relationship. His debut novel Lonely Roads is out on 10/12/2015. Blog: www.soulsyrup.space Twitter: @willifmoore Instagram: willifmoore

6 Comments

  1. usdollar

    June 2, 2015 at 11:02 pm

    I think both experience n mindset matter..becs to a large extent,ur experiences shape u/ur mindset/personality..d ish is,what kind of experience?positive or negative

  2. Papacy

    June 3, 2015 at 12:32 am

    Experience matters only when the individual has learned or unlearned (as the case may be) something from his/her past. There are several people who have been in the dating department for centuries and still have nothing to show for it cos they are either ignorant or have refused to pick a few titbits along the way. And to relate it to your “editing” analogy; editing, like any other preoffession has it’s basics, if you don’t have that which I think most likely comes with experience u may struggle a bit at first. Ditto relationships. Good work mate!

  3. Great Lady

    June 3, 2015 at 8:44 am

    I agree with you my brother. Our parents always feel like they know it all when it comes to the issue of relationships. In as much as we need their wisdom, I’d rather go with my own conviction than follow tradition. Just imagine my parents trying to force me to marry a certain man, I’m like in this day & age, who does that? Their justification is we know more than you, mstwchewwww

  4. whocares

    June 3, 2015 at 10:58 am

    I have just one short lived relationship under my belt and I have always worried endlessly about my lack of experience (especially now that I am the ripe old age of 25 and still single! as my dear mama likes to remind me. lol) Now, I don’t bother worrying (it might be this new zen and meditation thing I am trying. lol) but its live and let live. I know I have a good head on my shoulder and I am learning to trust my intuition more. I have also realised that I am a type of person that will not go on a date with someone I don’t see me dating long term and I dont do casual sex. I would honestly rather stay home and read a book.
    So I don’t have as much hilarious failed dates stories to tell and my life isnt interesting in that way for all my worldliness, and that is ok. Its all about knowing who you are and what works for you. Experience? I am gathering that in the best way I can. I listen to people, I observe, when I have to make decisions, I do what seems right and more often than not, I have been able to weed out the oloriburukus, I try to apply common sense and trust my intuition.. If it fails, its ok. That’s life (or I run to my best friend’s house, cry, down a bottle of wine and pick myself up again) So, chalk it up to the mindset. I have met some “experienced” people that are absolute messes and have become my daily prayer point in the “God, please dont let me turn out like ms or mr so and so.. ” way and I am not even that religious!

    • Ndali

      June 3, 2015 at 6:07 pm

      I totally agree with you,its not just about experience. And please continue with your values,its the sensible thing to do.

  5. sugar and spice

    July 5, 2015 at 3:55 pm

    @whocares u absolutely spoke my mind, we are so alike….glad to knw am nt d onli one who thinks that way. Common sense n intuition all the way.

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