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BN Hot Topic: Is Erectile Dysfunction or Vaginismus Justification for Adultery?

Atoke

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Guys, I know I haven’t done this in a bit but I was having this discussion a few minutes ago with my friends and Lord have mercy… I knew I had to ask y’all for thoughts!

First of all, this post is about sex and things related to sex; so if you’re squeamish about this type of thing, or if sex talk leaves you feeling some type of way, or if you’re way too young to be reading about sex… don’t read beyond this point. Okay? We’re good?

Cool.

So, you guys know how when people are exchanging marital vows, they pledge their bodies, amongst other things, to each other, till death do them part… yeah? Well, married people vow to have sex with each other, exclusively till they cock over and die. Excuse the pun! However, this is not always the case. Things like randiness, greed, lack of contentment, lead many people to break their vows.

Then there’s a special sub sect of cheats who say they have a valid reason for cheating. What’s this reason you ask? Oh gosh! That was melodramatic…even for me.  *slaps self*  Well, these people say that their spouses are physically incapable of satisfying them sexually.

I heard a story once during our yearly holiday visits to Ogbomosho. It was December and my father was holding court as usual at our family house. This relative of mine who lived in Mariga had come to Ogbomosho for christmas…without her husband. Ah! Mrs. RedLabel* where is Mr. Red Label? He didn’t come with you? (Yoruba people can state the obvious ehn?!) The living room was packed with all the family elders – as was the case when there’s a matter to adjudicate. I kept hearing them saying the word “Eshin’nu’we”. I didn’t understand it; a literal translation meant “Horse in a book”. What on earth is a horse doing in a book and why is a human being, being referred to as a horse in a book? Since I shouldn’t have been eavesdropping on the conversation anyway, there’s no way on earth I could have asked my mother for what it meant.  It is for this reason, that God created older cousins!

Mr. RedLabel seemed to have some issues with sustaining an erection and bringing Mrs. RedLabel to glorious orgasmic heights. In fact, he wasn’t getting his Johnny up enough to fill her needs. But that’s not the real story that brought her to the Council of my family elders. It appeared that Mrs. RedLabel had found herself a stallion who usually came from Minna to ride around her stalls. (Oh God! I can’t stop horsing around!) One day, as they were in the middle of it – hee haw, gidi up – Mr. RedLabel walked in! Unfortunate turn of events involving broken down buses. To cut a long story short, our guy wasn’t having it. He told her to pack up and ship out! None of that forgive and forget business that women talk about. Nope! It didn’t matter that he wasn’t able to give her that sexual healing, Marvin Gay style. (No, he wasn’t gay! Stay focused!)

The verdict, at the family meeting, was that she had absolutely no justification for sleeping with another man. Even if her husband was a ‘horse in a book.’ She should have gated her paddock and padlocked it tight. That is what they don’t tell you in the fine print of “for better, for worse.” There are no guesses as to what they would have said if it was their son who was sleeping with someone else as a result of his wife’s vaginismus!

In fact,  chances are that there would be an audition for new women to take Mrs. RedLabel’s place if she was the one with a medical condition like vaginismus.

Remember how people say, oh, when you get married, sex won’t be the most important thing any more. Still we hear so many stories of how “he started looking outside when she wasn’t giving him well well.”  From the perspective of family law, an inability to consummate a marriage is grounds for voiding the union, but this has to be done in less than two years of the marriage. (My law degree is gathering dust somewhere, so correct me if I’m wrong.) So it is a really big deal. Yes, sex is a big deal.

So here’s my question to you guys… is the inability to have coitus *Sheldon voice* justification for adultery? Think about it carefully. I mean physically incapability; and not oh I want to have it 12 times and he only wants to have go 6 rounds; that’s a different conversation.

Please let’s stay within the ambit of the question oh! You know how some people like to go left field…

Let’s discuss!

Photo Credit: Dreamstime | Photographerlondon

You probably wanna read a fancy bio? But first things first! Atoke published a book titled, +234 - An Awkward Guide to Being Nigerian. It's available on Amazon. ;)  Also available at Roving Heights bookstore.Okay, let's go on to the bio: With a Masters degree in Creative Writing from Swansea University, Atoke hopes to be known as more than just a retired foodie and a FitFam adherent. She can be reached for speechwriting, copywriting, letter writing, script writing, ghost writing  and book reviews by email – [email protected]. She tweets with the handle @atoke_ | Check out her Instagram page @atoke_ and visit her website atoke.com for more information.

85 Comments

  1. Left field

    August 11, 2015 at 5:41 pm

    I am part of the people that likes to go left field.

    Everything is sex sex and sex
    Are people that staved? If you want it, go get it
    If you are keeping yourself, keep yourself and stop d talk every now and then

    You will be acting and behaving like saint on the street but you cant get enough of sex
    You were discussing it some minutes ago and yet still brought it here
    what else do you want to hear again?

    sex this sex that.
    If the thing is itching you, go get laid jo!

    For the topic, no. You can find a solution or divorce him/her cos the foundation was built on falsehood. He/she never came out straight to tell his/her flaw.

    • Person pikin

      August 11, 2015 at 7:57 pm

      There is no justification for adultery/cheating/two timing or whatever form it comes.
      Atoke you sef you know.

    • Minka

      August 12, 2015 at 10:14 am

      Lol!!!! I thoroughly enjoyed reading this piece and this reply makes it even more exciting. Cheating isn’t a justification for a partner’s inability to fully satisfy the other sexually in my own opinion. A divorce may be a more honorable option and of course communication is key. I don’t know if there are solutions for erectile dysfunction but the couple may want to seek medical help/advise.

    • Jhennique

      August 12, 2015 at 11:18 am

      you wont blame them. There is too much hardship in the land. Sex is the only recreation a lot of people can afford.

    • deede

      August 12, 2015 at 4:12 pm

      clearly u are the one who’s starved that’s why u kept on reading after she had advised people with your views to stop reading. lol. u must be very sad…hahahaaa

    • the bull

      August 12, 2015 at 10:44 pm

      why did you read it then? smh

  2. hmmm

    August 11, 2015 at 5:43 pm

    I fink so. Dis one has nufin to do for better or for worse. Wey kind kworse

  3. yinda

    August 11, 2015 at 5:48 pm

    Nope! Erectile dysfunction and Vaginismus are sexual disorder. So therefore, I dont see how it will lead an individual to commit adultery, rather it will discourage adultery.

    • English Teacher!

      August 11, 2015 at 8:11 pm

      Now this is where English Comprehension comes to mind. The question was asked not as the sufferer but as the victim. Will you kpansh outside or not if your other half suffers from a dysfunctional blokos or vaginismus.

    • Beeeee

      August 11, 2015 at 9:39 pm

      Blokos?????????? I haven’t heard that word in ages

    • ATL's finest

      August 12, 2015 at 1:42 am

      Omg @ English teacher u made my day and that was a great laugh #Kpansh# my goodness Nigerians and their ultimate slangs.. Never a dull moment with my BellaNaijanerians ????????????????????????

    • Taiwo

      August 12, 2015 at 9:29 am

      LOOOOOOOL!! Kpansh indeed!

    • NaWaWo

      August 12, 2015 at 10:16 am

      Did you even read this article?

    • Chynwa

      August 12, 2015 at 11:51 am

      Thank you. anybody who read the article wouldn’t be asking that.

  4. Taiwo

    August 11, 2015 at 6:01 pm

    It is not a justification for adultery but it damn hell is a justification for divorce. If you cant manage the Eshin’u’we, jejely let him be and find your Stud (Steed) who can do you very well. Don’t get entangled in messy adultery tales.

  5. miss max

    August 11, 2015 at 6:04 pm

    Nothing justifies adultery, ho ha! You can’t bear it, get out. I am not a divorce advocate but why cause another grief?

  6. olu

    August 11, 2015 at 6:15 pm

    If it was covered up before the marriage, it is called FRAUD.

    In this case, Adultery no ..Divorce yes (If you want).

    • Tunmi

      August 11, 2015 at 6:41 pm

      I agree. Did he hide it before the marriage?

    • Koko

      August 12, 2015 at 1:05 am

      A perfectly healthy man who walks around with a hard-on 80% of the day can develop erectile dysfunction as he gets older. It could be in his 30s, 40s, 50s or 60s. For some it could be intermittent and is affected by several external factors like stress, sleep deprivation, alcohol, drugs, financial or relationship problems (which can lead to low self esteem) etc.

      If the wife didn’t notice it during courtship /dating then it probably because it wasn’t for there. Some also get bored of hitting the same p#ssy everyday, especially if the woman has piled on too many pounds in the wrong places and foreplay for her is to roll over and spread her legs, with a bored look on her face. Even the most randy man will find it difficult “rising to the occasion”

  7. Tunmi

    August 11, 2015 at 6:41 pm

    Tis sad. The man didn’t know himself well enough to get a diagnosis for his disorder. And there was no frankness between him and his wife to find a solution.

    I don’t know what people do while dating that these issues don’t come up. I definitely engage in premarital sex. If I want it, I pursue it with a consenting partner. And there is no way we are getting married without having sex. Remember Mercy’s stance on that NdaniRealTalk, that’s my philosophy. But even if you don’t want to have sex, you guys should discuss these things na. I feel so bad for the woman. I doubt she knew before the marriage. Sex is a big deal because it can be such an enjoyable activity. Imagine if your partner for life happens to be such a horrible spades partner at a spades tournament. Or his football skills are awful in a two-on-two match. It’s bad. It’s not just the act of sex itself, but that you have this big issue and you hid it from me. He should have told his wife.

    If my husband had a sexual disorder, we are finding solutions to it. I have a feeling the elders were more upset hubby found out. This reminds me of The Secret of Baba Segi’s Wives. Those women played that game so beautifully. Sure, the man can keep that pretense on the outside while the wives take care of our business on the outside.

    Abeg the woman should enjoy her stallion jor. Plenty men dey around. Just keep it safe. Life is too short abeg and ELKAFT.

    • Tari

      August 11, 2015 at 8:16 pm

      If you are not practicing premarital sex, where do you expect the guy to have gotten the diagnosis from?

    • MC

      August 11, 2015 at 9:38 pm

      He doesn’t need to engage in sex in order to realise his lil Mr is not working.

    • Tari

      August 11, 2015 at 10:43 pm

      He needs to wank to confirm it?
      You know not all men wank,right?
      Or are there other ways you think he can know without sexing?
      Besides erectile dysfunction is not just an ability to have an erection but also includes not being able to keep an erection. So if a guy who does not have sex but jas an erection every now and then, how does he know he has ED?

  8. Changing Faces

    August 11, 2015 at 7:25 pm

    Non consummation of a marriage is grounds for an annulment. To stay or not to stay is a matter of choice… adultery on the other hand, I won’t subscribe to.

    • Tari

      August 11, 2015 at 8:14 pm

      I found the style of writing to be childish and immature for a supposed adult audience.

  9. DU

    August 11, 2015 at 7:42 pm

    Lol.. I dont know/care much for the debate, but the style of writing was spot on & quite entertaining. Write more, pls do! x

    • ATL's finest

      August 12, 2015 at 1:46 am

      @ DU! You took the words outta my mouth. She’s indeed a phenomenal writer & I definitely will be reading 🙂

  10. EllesarisEllendil

    August 11, 2015 at 7:57 pm

    Why not divorce him?? Cheating because of a problem technically beyond his control is the worst kind of selfish. Equivalent to cheating because your wife has problems with sex after a miscarriage.

    A limp dick is no excuse to “foal” around, no need to “stirrup” anger and hatred?

    Nah Atoke start horse puns.

    • Atoke

      Atoke

      August 12, 2015 at 1:08 pm

      LOL *fist bump*

  11. Try sleeping in their bed for a night

    August 11, 2015 at 8:17 pm

    I have learnt how not to pass judgement on issues like this until you find yourself in this situation. Until you find yourself working hard all night to make ur man get erection and finally cry yourself to bed and mr man frustrated watching you knock yourself out with tears or alcohol. Until you find yourself work hard all week or month to get ur woman to have sex with you then you can judge. Aldultery is not an option but sometimes you never know when you find yourself there out of frustration. Like my dad says in Igbo ” anaghi eji anya Oma aga cherubim church ” meaning most people that go to white garment church does not go there with clear eyes, it’s either something is pursuing them or they are pursuing something. Cheating is wrong in many ways until you find yourself there.

    • Ada Nnewi

      August 12, 2015 at 6:14 pm

      Your head they there… the sexual frustration in my last relationship had me in tears most times…the frustration was real..

  12. an

    August 11, 2015 at 8:20 pm

    The last time i had sex with my boyfriend, i suffered from vaginal dryness and i was rejected as a result. He simply would not have it that i could not cum, making it easier to penetrate and enjoy sex. This really hurt me really bad, especially since he cannot satisfy me in bed, 5 min of hush hush and he is done. I have been very patient with him, never complained, just trying with affection and seduction to make us both enjoy sex my own way. Because of the later incident, i feel he could easily cheat or leave me if this problem keeps occurring. I believe some men cannot be loyal as far as sex is concerned. I love him for who he is and not what he gives me, but i feel that he should be as open minded as i am, not selfish or prude when it suits him. He has to be made to understand to explore my downstairs with the gifts of his fingers and mouth, his sensuality, otherwise i will not produce any wetness. Penetration alone does not satisfy the woman that i am. Why would you not try to satisfy your lover the same way she would run a mile to give you the maximum pleasure? If my partner keeps being stubborn about the issues we have regarding sex, i might disengaged.

    • MC

      August 11, 2015 at 9:44 pm

      Don’t worry yourself in regards to him possibly cheating in the future. If he only last 5 mins, I doubt there will be much cheating going on…not many women are willing to (cheat, to) have 5 mins of not so good sex.

    • Tari

      August 12, 2015 at 8:38 am

      Flawed argument.
      Sex is much more than penetration.
      Secondly, he could pay for it outside and in that case the runs girl does not mind how long he lasts.

    • MC

      August 12, 2015 at 10:16 am

      Before you follow and reply to my comments I urge you to read them and at the very least attempt to understand.
      “Possibility”
      “I doubt”
      “Not many women”

      ….. the same thing you did with my previous comment.
      Once again, a man will know if his lil Mr is not working. He does not need to have sex or wank to figure this out.

    • Tari

      August 12, 2015 at 11:52 am

      Insulting me with a lack of understanding is proof you are unwilling to discuss like the adult I assume you are.
      I will refuse to engage you further.
      Cheers.

    • MC

      August 12, 2015 at 7:21 pm

      Huh! Insult you!? When did this happen? Did I miss something?
      Or is this you (Once again) not reading and understanding what it is I’m saying and just replying?
      (I am not expecting you to answer those questions)

  13. Tari

    August 11, 2015 at 8:25 pm

    Who wan cheat outside go cheat.
    No need for excuses. I understand that sexual disorders need a lot of patience and understanding in dealing with, still it is possible. The penis is not the only sexual organ. We often hear that most women experience orgasm more often from non penetrative sex than from penetration. So erectile dysfunction is no excuse, although I appreciate that it is more work and a dent on ego.
    Surprisingly as a man, some of my most memorable orgasmic moments were not vaginal related.

    Please forgive the typos. I am in some horrible traffic in gidi.

  14. Lara

    August 11, 2015 at 8:33 pm

    Hmmm truth be told sex keeps a marriage as well. Its not everytn in a marriage bt it like all of it. Its sth u cant obviously do wtout in a marriage. So for me, truth be told, we will reach a mutual agreement on hw to satisfy ourslvs wt ds problem or i step

    • lala

      August 12, 2015 at 12:30 am

      My dear,sex DOES NOT keep a marriage,once d spark is gone,it is gone.. I av been married for 6 years, we have not had sex in 9 months and all is rosy,we chat well,discuss well,play with d kids etc,bt the attraction is gone.DH might be getting his groove out there,I dnt feel bothered cos I av sex toys I pleasure myself with..

  15. Maame

    August 11, 2015 at 8:37 pm

    Not going to type this under my usual alias LOL!

    But If I’ve waited for so long to have sex after marriage, only for it to suck because he has an “issue” or he’s selfish in bed. I’ll try all kinds of things to re-mediate; sex therapy, counseling, doctors, medication etc.

    But I won’t lie, I will probably leave if it doesn’t work out after a respectable amount of time.. I can LITERALLY manage my orgasms on my own lol, i don’t need the added on misery. 😀

    • Maame

      August 11, 2015 at 8:37 pm

      but to the original question, its not an excuse to seek out a third party, unless you and your partner are into that kind of kink.

    • Tari

      August 12, 2015 at 6:53 am

      My sincere condolences.
      However, I think you case is slightly different.
      Yours is a case of a partner who has issues or is unwilling to share his body for your mutual enjoyment.
      The article’s crux is a partner who is willing to please but bugged down by a sexual disorder hence unqblento rise to the occasion.
      I feel your pain. Selfishness in bed is often as bad as a stingy wallet.
      Best wishes.

  16. mrs chidukane

    August 11, 2015 at 8:37 pm

    Hahahahaha. It’s not a good reason for adultery sha but like someone above said, you can’t say what you’ll do until you’re in that position.

  17. May

    August 11, 2015 at 9:54 pm

    I doubt cheating can be ever considered acceptable, disability or not. Ever heard of the term self-service? We live in a world were sex toys are made daily and other pleasureable activities are available, so why cheat? In sickness and health our marriage vows we say in the house of the Lord says, so not only do we owe the promise we make to our significant other but we also owe it to our Lord

  18. Fix it

    August 11, 2015 at 10:10 pm

    “Hee haw gidi up” dead! Lmao your writing is just brilliant! Unfortunately I am one of the lefties lol I have nothing to say

  19. Niyoola

    August 11, 2015 at 11:09 pm

    This is a very interesting topic. A combination of factors will determine how to handle this kind of issue, though adultery is No-No …
    1. Did either party know they had vaginismus or were impotent before getting married. It is easier for a guy to know he is impotent than for a lady to know. Unless a lady has tried penetration, she may not know she has vaginismus.
    A regular guy should have hard on when sleeping , so If a guy can achieve a hard on when asleep then he MAY not be impotent (I know some guys have hard ons when sleeping but can’t get it on consciously).
    2. Can the problem be treated? And is the affected party willing to undergo treatment?
    3. What attitude/behaviour are either parties exhibiting. Is the lady further emasculated the guy with her words? Is the guy killing his wfie’s self esteem with is words?
    4. When there is no way forward, do the couple agree to an open marriage? Or divorce?

    Adultery is No for me, but sometimes you can’t wait till divorce is final to get some action. Also being divorced and having sex is fornication. Ah, na wa o …… I don’t think I have an answer after this my 2 fulls cap answer.
    🙁

    • Tari

      August 12, 2015 at 11:55 am

      Also being divorced and having sex is fornication.

      says who?

    • niyoola

      August 12, 2015 at 12:19 pm

      Being divorced and having sex is fornication.
      Sex when you are not married is either fornication or adultery.

      Adultery: married person has sex with someone other that husband
      Fornication: Single person (a divorcee is single) has sex with another person

      **Question: what if a divorced couple have sex with each other? Very grey area :s

  20. Mabel

    August 11, 2015 at 11:32 pm

    Sex will always be biggie in a marriage because your spouse is the only person you can do it with. Everything else in a a marriage you can do with others except the sex. so when that can’t happen folks will justifiably start getting upset. Cheating is a character flaw, but how long should someone realistically wait for a partner to be able, especially if they are medically incapable of fulfilling their duties.

    I am a practical person by nature so if I had some condition that would prevent me from fulfilling this part of my marriage duty then I would tell my husband to find a lover, as I would expect him to tell me the same if he had plumbing problems. I would not expect him to suffer with me, that is not logical. Now, if he was dumb enough to fall in love with the person or persons all hell would break lose, cause I sent him to find sex not love.

    • Jhene

      August 12, 2015 at 7:16 am

      YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU’RE SAYING!!!!!!!! Even sex workers and some prostitutes fall in love with their clients not to talk of an exclusive lover. Why would all hell break loose when he falls in love? Is he not human? You think Oxycontin wouldn’t be released when he c**** inside her and she is moaning up and down? Or you don’t think you would fall in love with a male lover that satisfies you sexually and gives you what your husband cant? lol. You clearly are not all that practical. A husband and a wife is supposed to walk through every sexual issue of any kind together and that’s why full disclosure is needed in the beginning, not given permission to f**k up and down!!!!!

    • Mabel

      August 12, 2015 at 4:30 pm

      @Jhene, You do what you want and others will do what they see fit. I could not tell a man to stick it out with me for 20,30,40 yrs if I am physically unable to have penetrative sex with him. Sex is one of the greatest stress reliever in life, most everybody needs it to get by. Yes, there are asexual men and others who suffer from erectile dysfunction who would happily welcome a no sex situation, but most men will not. Men regularly cheat on their wives during pregnancy so imagine telling a man to do a 40yr stretch with you of no penetration..hahaha. The options will be; either he takes a lover and you maintain an emotional relationship and carry on with your marriage, he takes a second wife if the country and culture permits it, he quietly cheats on you and you turn a blind eye, or you divorce and you both go your separate ways. You may also get lucky and find the 1 in 1 million man who will decide to be faithful to you and not desire anyone else, that would be hitting the jackpot, but you would more likely be hit by lightning that to find that man.

      I am not some selfish woman who is going to force a man to do everything but penetration because I am the wife and “we walk through all sexual situations together”, and he should be happy with it, because I would not, no, I do not want a man using a vibrator on me for decades, ridiculous. Also, I am not powered by any religion, so my ideas of life and living would not meld well with someone who is deeply religious. While your pie in the sky ideas about life are somewhat endearing, the real world is a whole lot different and you will have to learn to make the hard decisions. You will have to learn to be selfless because that is what love truly is, selflessness. Never force someone you love to suffer with you. If you were drowning and you knew you partner could not swim you would not want them to come drown with you, you would tell them to save themself, then again maybe you would want them to die with you so that could fulfill your love conquers all fantasies. Love does not conquer all, and all marriages change as the people and the situations presented change in them. I am more than practical, because I am aware of life and the human condition, man is man and will always be. The history books are filled with the history of mankind and the human condition and what drives it has not changed in all of the years of man’s existence on earth. I will give you kudos for believing in the higher good of humanity though, and if you do find a man who will remain faithful to you with non-penetrative sex for decades consider yourself one of the greatest winners in life. I would still happily say to my partner go find a lover and deal with your physical needs, if he came back and told me he fell in love and wants to end the union, I wouldn’t be happy and I am human enough to admit that, but I would send him on his merry way and wish him well, because at the end of the day I have no desire to live with someone who does not desire to be with me. I could always go find someone with erectile dysfunction to date, of which there are many..hahaha. Love and marriage should not be bondage and I certainly should not be acting as a prison warden of love with anybody.

    • Niyoola

      August 12, 2015 at 9:42 am

      Hi. I didn’t say the person has to endure o. It’s either agreeing to open marriage (adultery) or getting a divorce. But you neeed to explore other options first.
      If the partner knowingly withheld info, then immediate divorce.
      If the partner is willing to undergo treatment, then go to a doctor. If not divorce
      If while undergoing treatment, the other part is being very nasty and not supportive, divorce (because if the treatment eventually works out, tthe bad blood/behaviour will still come up later).
      After all this, some couples would rather remain married and have open marriage (better to be married n cutting shows than to be single and doing same).
      I guess I didn’t explain my stance well. I’m not advocating staying and not having sex. Mba. Impossicant!

  21. clatchet*

    August 12, 2015 at 1:51 am

    My bf really tries in the foreplay department. But as soon as he penetrates, it’s like 5 strokes and done. He absolutely won’t wanna do it again n I get pissed. Sometimes I fantasize about cheating. Help me!!!!

  22. NoName

    August 12, 2015 at 2:07 am

    Bella pls can you do an article on Vaginismus.

    Im married and I have it 🙁

  23. This article helped my decision

    August 12, 2015 at 3:52 am

    Hmmm this article is timely. I have been dating soon to be ex boyfriend for 3 months now. Apart from the fact that his libido is very very low and thinks sex when he gets married will only be once in a while, in the 5 times we have attempted sex, he could hardly get or keep an erection. when he finally gets one after a lot of hard work, he’s done in less than 2 mins. Like Niyoola said what is the attitude of the person? This is why i’m going to break it off. i am not one to judge or talk down anybody and i have been very patient. researched online and gave him a list of foods and exercises that could help before seeking a doctor but he seems to be very lackadaisical and unbothered about it. After the failed erection, he just says good night and sleeps. i want to be celibate after this till i get married but stories like this scare the shit outta me. like mercy on ndani real talk, i like good sex and its just a no no for me to be with someone that can’t perform well because i hate adultery. i know i should hate fornication too because sin is sin. For the question Atoke asked, there is no excuse for adultery really. its wrong. divorce instead. .

  24. ObeyGod

    August 12, 2015 at 5:14 am

    that is why GOd has cursed yall with failed relationships passed down from generation to generation. Cos you think you are smarter and know better than him. He was not guggling on water when he said dont have sex outside of marriage.

    Yes you can test drive if youwant, yet your marriage wont last, how about that

    If you are not married.Stop having sex simple

    • Tari

      August 12, 2015 at 7:00 am

      I never had premarital sex and do not believe in it but I find your tone exceedingly judgemental.
      You know there are marriages that breakdown despite both parties being virgins on their wedding nites?
      There are pimps who marry runz girls and have the most peaceful of unions.
      Marriage like most things in life are not as clear cut as you make it sound.
      I am all for no sex outside marriage and the diseases outside there should be enough deterrent but God is not the FBI of sexual sin that you paint him out to be.
      One last thing, God does not curse anyone. He is not in that business.

    • Glo

      August 12, 2015 at 9:41 am

      OH pleaseeeee stop this “i am better than you all” act. You have no right to judge anyone. I am sure these people that you claim God has cursed are more blessed, doing way better than you in real life and will make heaven eventually…but you? am not so sure..

    • passing thru

      August 12, 2015 at 10:09 am

      Smh…..judge much???

    • MC

      August 12, 2015 at 10:30 am

      What is your business? Why are you concerned about what others do with their private parts?
      You watch yours and leave others to do what they want to do with theirs!

      Do not judge others by your standards!
      Also, you do realise that not everybody is religious or shares the same religion as you, right?

    • Atoke

      Atoke

      August 12, 2015 at 10:35 am

      Ogbeni,

      What did we carry? What did you throw?

    • adelegirl

      August 12, 2015 at 10:45 am

      LMAO!!!!! Direct translation from “Ki la gbe ki le ju”. Atoke is not well really. LMAO!!!!

  25. MEN AND HOW THEIR EGO SLOWLY KILLS THEM

    August 12, 2015 at 6:27 am

    My main issue is how did the family know that the man can’t give it? Nigerian families and not minding their business. Why do we always want couples do table down their marital issues in front of us because we are have “family elders”, so we can dissect their issue and add our 2 cents. As far as i’m concerned this issue is between the husband and his wife and no one else should know about it. So now that they know he can’t get it up, is it supposed to boost his ego every time he’s around family? RUBBISH!!!

    Now to my points:
    1) I read people say DIVORCE, it is easier said than done darlings. Especially in a country where it is believed that a woman must die for her husband and take everything that happens in her home because she is now married. Basically she doesn’t have an opinion and must live with what she gets, no one wants to hear what she thinks.

    2) it takes a lot for a woman to cheat on her husband. A part of me tells me they must have spoken about the issue but because he believes he is the man of the house, she must shut up! In his head he must be have thought “how dare her say such a thing like that and bruise my ego”. Guess he believes no one will ever find out because she would be too embarrassed to tell anyone. One thing I can tell you is that Nigerian man are emotionally abusive! YES I SAID IT KILL ME!!! Why didn’t he seat her down and talk about it knowing he was the one with the problem, but because he knew people would blame his wife for cheating that is why he made her cheating public. This man doesn’t love his wife and their marriage is obviously plain rubbish. So I must be Virgin Mary for ever abi! NONSENSE!!!!! if he can’t get help I WILL!!! YES I WLL!!!! AND YES I’M MARRIED TOO

    3) Like the writer said, if the issue had been turned around and it was the woman, they would have advised the man to go out for another woman. So are you saying the family weren’t there when they took their vows? Was it only the woman that said the vows? You even hear family members quoting the Bible or Quran on stupid issues

    4) Test before you say I DO PLEASE. LOVE fades away trust me! Be best friends before you fall in love, that way you know how to handle things by yourselves and won’t need family to be involved. Family weren’t there when you found each other. When your family members starts having a say on how you should run your marriage, then your happiness is over! Some of these so called family members are only waiting for you to make a mistake… NOT EVERYONE IS HAPPY YOU ARE MARRIED!!! GET A NEUTRAL PERSON INSTEAD OR A MARRIAGE COUNSELLOR (and no one needs to know you are saying a counsellor apart from you and your partner)

    • Tari

      August 12, 2015 at 8:36 am

      Please can I call you out on your numbers 2 and 4.

      It does not take a lot for a woman to cheat on her husband. It is becoming very common in most big cities of Nigeria. Ask around, look around and you will see signs of th e increase and growing commonality.

      Testing before saying I do does not solve much. ED is not always gotten from birth. Some men develop it later in life
      So what happens If after testing and marrying, he develops ED afterwards?

  26. adelegirl

    August 12, 2015 at 9:22 am

    For me, this is a no brainer- There is absolutely NO JUSTIFICATION FOR ADULTERY. If you can’t work it out with your partner (ED and Vaginismus are not permanent conditions and can be treated) and it is extremely important to you to sustain a fulfilled marriage, please leave the marriage. End of!

  27. Blessedheart

    August 12, 2015 at 9:26 am

    Once again, I see reasons to believe that people’s understanding of marriage is flawed. Marriage is the coming together of two people to become ONE. Thus, if any of the parties have a problem, the problem belongs to both of them. Except for cases where deceit was involved, I believe the right attitude shouldn’t be, the wife or the husband has a problem but the couple have a problem and then they decide how to fix it together. Marriage isn’t a walk in the park which is why you need to be sure of your decision. Problems arise in different forms in marriage, the attitude should be solving it together and making the best decision for the family and not the individual. Vaginimus, for example, is a difficult problem but can be solved with patience, therapy, etc so instead of the man looking for ways to get sexual pleasure for himself, he should focus on getting a solution with his wife.

  28. Jaded

    August 12, 2015 at 9:58 am

    Well, I don’t think its until you’re married before you get to know if your partner has erectile dysfunction…
    A pastor once gave this straight talk to only ladies and I quite agree with his theory.
    If you’re dating someone and while you’re alone together he doesn’t suddenly get uncomfortable especially around his crotch area to the extent that he excuses himself hurriedly… or if he doesn’t ever try to hide his erection from after maybe hugging or cuddling or kissing especially for the No-sex-kinda relationship…. You have a problem on your hands.
    For guys I don’t know how to know if a lady has vaginismus but I’m sure the Pastor’s wife defintely told them…

    Back to the issue on ground, its a very dicey issue, divorce that is, but if you can think of other ways to give each other pleasure (that’s why you need to be open with each other), I think the marriage can still be salvaged.

  29. Teets

    August 12, 2015 at 9:59 am

    Interesting Read.

    There is no justification for adultery. None whatsoever.

    However, from a different perspective, there are so many sides to this story. Well, we are Nigerians….the religion factor will always show up.

    Most religions frown at sex before marriage. In the case that the couple is holy enough, they both may not know that they have the dysfunction.. So, all they can do is ”pray” and seek solutions. Where each party concerned knows, how open and sincere are they about the situation.

    For Christians, you cannot marry more than one wife and divorce is not an option (in the real sense). Muslim men can marry as many as four so if one wife isn’t meeting up, up to three other options are available. that cannot be said for the woman. The truth is there are so many married women engaging in extra marital affairs due to lack of good sex. for those who don’t have the courage to break their vows, they are suffering in silence, bearing the burden and carrying their cross.

    Its a dicey situation. And this is where friendship in marriage comes in. If truly the couple are friends (beyond lovers), then they can talk about it and mutually find solutions to the problem. Provided the man is not too chauvinistic to admit erectile dysfunction and wont start suspecting his wife for complaining about cant getting sexual satisfaction. COMMUNICATION IS KEY.

    NOW MY TAKE…. SINCE THIS IS FROM A RELIGIOUS ANGLE, MY CONCLUSION IS SIMPLE.

    THEY SAY SIN IS SIN BEFORE GOD BUT I PERSONALLY DO NOT BELIEVE SO. FOR EXAMPLE, SOMEONE WHO STOLE N50 AND SOMEONE WHO KILLED A PERSON BOTH SINNED BUT THE SINS ARE ON DIFFERENT SCALES. SO IS FORNICATION AND ADULTERY. VOWS TAKEN BEFORE GOD SHOULD BE KEPT SACRED AND NOT BROKEN FO NO REASON WHATSOEVER. THEREFORE, ”TEST” YOUR PARTNER BEFORE MARRIAGE TO ENSURE S/HE MEETS ALL REQUIREMENTS BEFORE MAKING VOWS INCLUDING PROVIDING SEXUAL FULFILMENT. SEX IS EXTREMELY IMPORTANT IN MARRIAGE SO, IF S/HE CANT SATISFY YOU SEXUALLY, TAKE A WALK!

    Again, there is no justification whatsoever for adultery.

    • keeks

      August 12, 2015 at 11:42 am

      emmmm tari dear, Sin is Sin before God, no such thing as Big sin and small sin, is what you are doing right or wrong? is it plainly stated in the Bible taht this is wrong? if it is, ma dear its a sin… The bible expressly says, to him/or her that knows to do good and doeth it not, to him thats Sin!!! sin has no category.

    • Tari

      August 12, 2015 at 11:53 am

      Why did you have to shout at the end?

  30. Elle Su

    August 12, 2015 at 10:48 am

    I don’t think it’s a reason to cheat. After all you knew he was a horse in the sack before you married him. You should have looked for way to satisfy each other needa in the bed. Maybe he’s no longer interested in the same old missionary routine. I think a little bit of spice will do. If you really want it hard core talk to you man oo. I think that’s the reason of some sexual toys an all. Ask him to use it on you if you don’t feel satisfied by him. What’s the while point of marriage if you cant communicate.

  31. Jhennique

    August 12, 2015 at 11:23 am

    Cheating ko cheatig ni. People are just lazy to dedicate their time to other people’s problems thats all.

  32. demash

    August 12, 2015 at 11:26 am

    This is no excuse for a partner to commit adultery but it is imperative that partners are open to each other when they experience sexual inadequacies. I had a libido issue for almost 2 years where I couldn’t just get it up. You could cut through my wife’s frustration with a knife. It was so palpable. The irony was that in the early years of my marriage when I had a strong drive, my wife was not reciprocative and this along coupled with an emotional affair drove me to a point where I couldn’t satisfy my wife and didn’t really have the desire too.

    It came to a head when after a night of disappointment , I woke up to find my wife in a flood of tears. At this point, I knew something had to be done. I went to see a doctor and thus began my romance with Viagra – it helped when I could afford it but I knew this was just for the short-term.

    Only after we had a frank talk where we both understood that great sex is often as a result of a deep emotional connection that I found out that I could meet my conjugal rights with a bit of satisfaction (without the aid of drugs). We both married as virgins so there were really no fantasies running through our heads

    My advice to ladies, endeavour as much as you can to give in to your husbands sexual demands. You don’t want to be in a position where he ignores you either through a loss of libido or seeking satisfaction from somewhere else. Do not refuse each other except it is just for a time…….1 Cor 7:5

    • dee

      August 12, 2015 at 12:22 pm

      I love the depth and sincereity in your comment, i thought me so much. I love you and love your wife too. all the best.

  33. Camer

    August 12, 2015 at 11:34 am

    I know a woman who had severe asthma and couldn’t do any physical effort. She was unable to even have sex with her hubby because it left her completely out of breath thus bringing up crisis which will make her stay for days in the hospital. what should spouses do in such a situation.

  34. mz_daniels

    August 12, 2015 at 12:32 pm

    Honest opinion, I will cheat if my hubby can’t satisfy me.
    Culturally/socially correct opinion; Nothing can ever make me cheat on my husband. God forbid, we’ll work it out together.

    • passing thru

      August 14, 2015 at 6:00 am

      I am with you on this one

  35. VirginGirl

    August 12, 2015 at 2:39 pm

    I’m 21 and I’ve been abstaining from penetrative sex. Planned to abstain till marriage but all this talk of vaginismus…..hmmmmm

    • Tari

      August 12, 2015 at 4:00 pm

      At least he is fingering you and you are enjoying it but not in pain,abi?
      So you no get any vaginismus.

  36. Nkiru

    August 12, 2015 at 4:38 pm

    Common sense is the watchword

  37. Sir Harvey Dent

    August 13, 2015 at 12:49 pm

    Interesting.

    Theres no excuse for a man not to perform his duties, with all the medial solutions available. (E.g Viagra) Any married man who doesn’t is just been plain selfish, women divorce him if he is not making any efforts to solve the problem.

    There are solutions for vagiminus as well, theres no excuse for anyone to be selfish in a relationship, let alone marriage. Theres a launch for female viagra coming this year, women, Buy plenty, shag him well.

    Its plain selfish to tell a woman who has probably kept herself for her husband to still padlock her legs after marriage. Thats plain Rubbish, its just another excuse to blame women for the countless marriage problems.

    If he is not making any efforts to solve the problem, Divorce him, if he doesn’t want to get divorced, report him to his parents.

    Read a story about a virgin who kept herself till she got married, only for her to hate sex cause it was unpleasant the first time, my opinion is such men (the woman husband) should be shamed. He has failed as a man.

    Men need to learn a lot about sex, theres more to a woman body than just grabbing her breast bum etc. If its to carry 4 Phd and 5 Masters Degree, drive Jeep and wear GUCCi, they would see NIGERIAN men on the covers of STYLE and Ovation, but can’t learn about the woman’s body.

    Women if you can, test the merchandise before you say “I DO”, if you decide to wait till marriage, DEMAND he satisfy you in bed beyond just giving you children, cause you know what, its this shamless men that complain about their wives that you find giving young girls head outside marriage.

    Demand sex from your husband, Have so much sex that he won’t have the energy to have a girl friend outside your marriage. Wake him up in the middle of the night, have sex. Wake him up in the morning, Have sex. By the time those girls are messaging him, he won’t have any energy for them.

  38. Nothing

    August 13, 2015 at 4:57 pm

    When we all get married we believe all our sexual needs will be well catered for, alas this isn’t the case sometimes. While sexual dysfunction is not a permissible ground for adultery, their is a need for openness by both parties and willingness to seek solutions to the problem.
    That said, sex is very important in marriage and when it’s lacking , various issues arise!
    Some people don’t even need the excuse of bad sex to cheat now imagine when you are in that situation.
    I once cheated on my husband of 7yrs not because we had any issue but things just got out of hands. The other guy is amazing in bed, can go on for hours and give me wonderful orgasms. He is also open to various experiments in bed.
    It was tough detaching myself because of the good sex.
    My point is this, sex invokes a variety of emotions, so we need to be careful when passing judgements

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