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Toby Nwazor: My Experience with the Vampires Called Lagos Mosquitoes

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The inspiration to write this came as a result of my experience some years ago when I first came to Lagos. Honestly, I don’t think the kind of mosquitoes in Lagos should be referred to as mosquitoes anymore.

I mean, judging by their size and numbers, they should be grouped as grasshoppers, birds or vampires. And when you consider the ferocity with which they suck blood, I believe it is high time a new word is created for them in the dictionary.

My suggestion? MOSQU-AMPIRE.

I had to slim down by fire by force o. Who wouldn’t? The way these creatures dey take suck pesin blood can turn any orobo to lepa without exercise. They have pipes in place of mouths, and tanks in place of stomachs.

In fact, it was as if I should not bother eating at night. My dinner became an involuntary donation to their blood and nutrient bank.

Those times when I wake up, many of these mosquitoes would be having hangovers. Can you imagine? They will not be able to fly again because the tanks they have for stomachs would have been “pressed down, shaken together, and running over.”

God punish devil.

Personally I think that the Nigerian Mosquitoes Production Factory (NIMPROF) has its headquarters in Lagos. After birth and training, these mosquitoes are now posted to different parts of the country to go and hustle.

Just like normal Nigerians, however, most mosquitoes have a way of dodging their immigration and custom officials. If not, how does one explain the large population of mosquitoes in Lagos alone? No be small thing o. Everybody wan go Lagos go hustle abi? No wahala.

It was so annoying. I remember having to ask my cousin the economic importance of these creatures. She said they provide jobs for producers of insecticides, and carpenters who construct nets.

Really? I mean, we had nets all around the house, yet the ordeal went on unabated. The worst part was when I used to sleep under those fancy white mosquito nets. Okotorigba! These dangerous creatures usually found a way to enter those nets and bite me as if tomorrow no dey.

Even if you wear jeans and thick socks to sleep, it doesn’t stop Lagos mosquitoes. The only time they will leave you alone is if you wear the kind of safety boots used in big construction companies.

Recently, I saw a newspaper headline that said that the cure for diabetes has been found. Wonderful!

Immediately I thought, “what if the cure for HIV/AIDS can be found in mosquitoes?” I mean, judging by their numbers, shouldn’t they have another value apart from their irritating musical skills?

Just think about it. Assuming it is discovered that mosquitoes harbour a cure for the deadly HIV/AIDS. . . Nigeria will simply explode in wealth. Our export duty will automatically increase, and our economy will receive a boom!

Soon enough, the Naira/Dollar exchange rate will change from around 1:200 to at least 10:1 (ten Dollars to one Naira). Oh boy, just imagine that with one Naira, u go get ten dollars. Thunder fire poverty!

Soon enough, oyibo people go begin carry mat sleep for the different Nigerian embassies in their countries looking for Nigerian visa.

Our immigration officers will become more effective. We will catch and deport so many oyibo soteey CNN go feature am.

As a sharp Igbo guy, I will quickly register a mosquito production company. My company will be producing and supplying mosquitoes to pharmaceutical companies in Nigeria, and even exporting some overseas. So much money!

I will employ all those area boys wey full Lagos, Aba and Onitsha. Dem go dey hunt mosquitoes the way my Ijaw brothers dey take fish.

Soon enough, mosquitoes will become so scarce that they have to be put in the museum. They will be so scarce and invaluable that having malaria will be a testimony.

Then, people wey dey work for bank go resign. They will become free lance mosquito hunters. Unemployment in Nigeria will be a thing of the past.

As a graduate, becoming a mosq-epreneur will be the latest fad. The business won’t even need a lot of capital. All one needs is a small net to catch mosquitoes with.

Even as a student, you won’t need to beg any uncle for school fees anymore. All you need will be to create a little swamp around your hostel. At night, guys will leave the reading room with lamps and nets to hunt for mosquitoes. Who no wan hammer?

No bodi go dey hustle to get job for oil company again. Courses like Engineering will experience a serious decline in number of applicants. Who wan suffer? After calculating dy/dx for 5 years then what? No, mba, rara.

Instead, everybody go dey hustle for courses like Parasitology and Entomology, Mosquitology, Industrial Mosquito Production, Mosquito Pharmacology etc.

Hmm. Just imagine that. E go make sense o.

On a more serious note, this note was inspired, so I appeal to our microbiologists, biochemists and other scientists, to consider this seriously and undertake a research on it immediately.

There may be an iota of truth in this. I mean, the cure may be in mosquitoes. If it is, my name should be included in the list of those that will receive the Nobel prize, Bill Gates prize or even Dangote’s prize.

What is your own experience with Mosquitoes like? Has Lagos mosquitoes bitten (stung) you before?

Photo Credit: Dreamstime | Vadymvdrobot

Toby Nwazor is a free lance writer and motivational speaker who believes that life is meant to be lived and not just existed in. He is equally an entrepreneur with a lot of hands-on experience in business start-ups, marketing, and customer service. He passionately writes every Monday and Wednesday on www.mystartupceo.com about helping entrepreneurs and aspiring entrepreneurs build successful start-ups

15 Comments

  1. Babs

    September 22, 2015 at 11:55 am

    My Broda! those Lagos mosquitoes are feeding fat on the blood of the land o… big bellied overweight monsters, compared to the ones outside lagos which are fitfam and slim…loool

  2. vis-a-vis

    September 22, 2015 at 12:13 pm

    What does one expect?
    Lagos is very dirty and over populated.
    The very poor drainage system combined with terrible hygiene practices will attract the worst species of mosquitoes.

  3. Dey there

    September 22, 2015 at 12:24 pm

    Use Inesfly Insecticide paint, the paint that kills all kinda insects and thereby eliminates vector borne disease. Say no to malaria with this magic paint o. When i heard of this paint, i was skeptical and then i tried it and saw the light. WHO and NAFDAC approved. Na my friend make me use the paint and i have been grateful since cos this my small apartment in lekki is susceptible to the lil vamps.

  4. dee

    September 22, 2015 at 3:10 pm

    The mosquitoes in Lagos are still in training. Try the mosquitoes in Sapele and you’ll squeal. Nothing kills them! If u like use insecticides and mosquito netsm

  5. Really?

    September 22, 2015 at 5:00 pm

    I am still trying to wrap my head around someone sitting down to write a whole article on mosquitoes. Just how bad were the hygiene practicing in your house/compound and neighbourhood. You really should have moved back to the city you came from. No mosquitoes there I presume. Stupid article.

    • Tosin

      September 22, 2015 at 9:40 pm

      Really? You haven’t lived till you’ve composed a mosquito sonnet at least. 🙂

  6. Tosin

    September 22, 2015 at 5:30 pm

    my guy don mad finish, hehehe.
    i know the feeling sha. when canal mosquito waya your life, na so so inspiration, poetry, and fantasy. canal mosquito wey dey resurrect, wallahi if i lie.
    past few years i’ve been mostly free sha, by keeping a strict sealing policy with nets on every opening and two second rule on jumping inside the house.

  7. Nammy

    September 22, 2015 at 5:48 pm

    Kano mosquitoes would give u a run for your money

    • Hbawa

      September 26, 2015 at 10:39 am

      Abeg help me tell them. Biologists say mosquitoes are nocturnal. But kano mosquitoes no know that one oh

  8. brown-ice

    September 22, 2015 at 6:21 pm

    These Lagos mosquitoes have no chill mehn! Even when we spray insecticide and make use of mosquito coils, they still bite. Guess they’ve upgraded to using oxygen masks cuz I can’t explain it. My siblings call me the vampire slayer in my house cuz I just happen to know when a mosquito is around me even without it sipping my blood oo-dont ask me how- and I must kill it if not I won’t rest

  9. Donnie

    September 23, 2015 at 10:12 am

    Those mosquitoes are F-psychos. They still have the ability to enter my treated net sometimes.

  10. Sola

    September 23, 2015 at 3:19 pm

    I lived in lagos for 21 years before ever travelling abroad and I thought the mosquitoes there were the worst,I can confidently say the worst mosquitoes in the world are in winnipeg,canada. Millions are spent each year on de fogging trying to reduce them.they are unstoppable. They swarm on u and they don’t bite one after the other like the lagos mosquitoes,a 100 can be on you at any one particular time,the sight is enough for you to throw up. I wouldn’t go on and on,google is your friend.we are always quick to condemn our country

  11. Tru

    September 23, 2015 at 6:18 pm

    Forgerrit, Lagos mosquitoes have fangs and claws. One day they’ll even start breathing fire. Just watch.

    • Toby Nwazor

      September 24, 2015 at 10:32 am

      Hahahahahahahahaha. Those ones are dragons o

  12. Omolara

    November 29, 2015 at 6:57 pm

    Please come to Kano and you’ll know Lagos mosquitoes are learners

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