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Atoke’s Monday Morning Banter: Permission Granted!

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I was strolling through the streets of Twitter on Sunday evening when I saw a tweet where someone was asking about whether… hold on a minute, let me grab the tweet.

Oh dang it! I can’t find the tweet! But basically, the person was asking whether Twitter residents would allow their significant other go on a holiday alone, before the wedding. As I read the tweet, the word “allow” kept buzzing in my subconscious. It throbbed and tingled inside my head until I grabbed my computer and started writing.

I am very vocal about things like the infantilisation of men by their mothers and wives. I’m also very uncomfortable with the idea of completely divesting all responsibility of your livelihood, as a woman, on your spouse. I believe that individuals are just that… irrespective of their relationships. So, you can understand why the word “allow” automatically sent me into jerk mode. Allow? As per is the person your child?

No, seriously… hold on. I need to search for that tweet. Key words: “allow your boyfriend.”

Oooh! I can’t find the tweet (yet) but I found some tweets that may help me.

Don’t ALLOW!

The power of Allowances

Dictatorship Loading

*** Oh! I can’t find the actual tweet. This is so infuriating! I’m at the point writing this piece where I realise that in order to find the specific tweet that gave rise to this piece, I’ll have to call Mo. This is the kind of topic that gets my besto’s knickers in a twist, but I’ll do it for you guys. I’ll fall on the sword…subject myself to a half an hour rant about modern day women. *45 minutes later * Exhibit A

Exhibit B

 I’ll have to tell you guys how that conversation went down, because it’s very crucial to the construction of this piece. According to Mo, the question was most likely to be taken the wrong way because of the use of the word “allow”. He went on to explain that what the writer of the tweet probably meant was to ask if you’d be ‘cool with’ the idea of your significant other going off on a holiday. “You guys are deliberately going to misconstrue what she meant because she didn’t couch her words well. It’s not fight. Nobody can dictate what another person to do or not do in a marriage. They can suggest.” He went on to talk about a situation where a man prefers that his wife not wear certain outfits. That it’s not about ‘not allowing’, merely stating a preference. It was now up to the wife to decide whether to tune her actions. I argued that this stating of ‘preference’ has many times led to fear and domestic abuse. One day, after getting ready to go to church, a wife said goodbye to her husband. He was of another faith and had often stated his preference that his wife not openly practice her religion. Anyway, on the day he was going to express himself and re-emphasize the fact that he was serious about his ‘stated preference’, it was with kicks and blows. Her Bible rolled down the stairs before she did. 11 – year old me stood in the corner and noted quietly and with fear: “thou shalt not disagree with husband.”     That indelible image in my heart shaped my feelings about vast inequality in marriage. And while Mo tried to explain to me that there’s no relationship where the dynamics are as completely smooth as I expect, I can’t help but think that inequality of that nature breeds fear. It’s the kind of fear instilled in a child to let him know he is not allowed to drive his father’s favourite car. I don’t believe that dynamics of a romantic relationship a.k.a man and woman (or whatever it is these days… we live in changing times) I said to Mo, “Unless I’m deriving the entirety of my sustenance from you, I don’t know that you can in good conscience say I’m not allowed to do something. I’m a grown woman for a reason.” My position goes for men too. Ah ha… Boyfriend not son!

Even your parents don’t have locus standi to tell you what to do and what not – after a certain age. (Unless they’re still writing you cheques. Honey, cut that financial umbilical cord and find your own voice!)

Mo believes I’m being myopic and that we modern women think everything is black and white.

I found a tweet for him in response to this:
Hmm… modernization versus allowance

I’ll conclude by saying this: I’m not trying to stir up rebellion or mutiny in your households, but I’m a strong advocate of people taking control of their own lives. I’ve heard way too many people blame their life inertia on their partners. “I remained in a job I hated because my wife won’t allow me take the job I want”.

“My husband won’t allow me buy fruits and vegetables; that’s why I stuffed my body with simple carbs”

“Daddy Bode won’t let me work. He says it’s not befitting for his status to have a working wife.”

Before you became a part of a unit, you were an individual. Make compromises that you can stand by and you can live with. What’s the point of living through 30 years of bitterness because you crushed yourself into the tiny box of the permission you were granted?

I don’t know guys; maybe I am just myopic but I just want to be happy…not living in fear that I am not allowed to do this or that. I want to marry my friend, not my “Oga at the top” or my father.

What do you guys think? Please feel free to school me on the nuances of partnerships and preferences. According to Mo, I still have a LOT to LEARN.

Have a beautiful week ahead.
Peace, love & carrot buttons.

Don’t forget, we’re hanging out online on Sunday 25th October. 6PM (Greenwich Mean Time) Gotomeeting.com. You might have to download the app if you don’t have it. If you wanna be a part of this 30- minute chat about writing, reading and other fun tidbits, please send me an email. (Details in bio) I have received all the emails sent last week and I’ll send one collective email with meeting details. 

And I have something important to share with you guys next week, so if you read this column, please make sure you’re here on the 19th!

Love you guys.

Toodles!

Photo Credit: Dreamstime | Monkey Business Images

You probably wanna read a fancy bio? But first things first! Atoke published a book titled, +234 - An Awkward Guide to Being Nigerian. It's available on Amazon. ;)  Also available at Roving Heights bookstore. Okay, let's go on to the bio: With a Masters degree in Creative Writing from Swansea University, Atoke hopes to be known as more than just a retired foodie and a FitFam adherent. She can be reached for speechwriting, copywriting, letter writing, script writing, ghost writing  and book reviews by email – [email protected]il.com. She tweets with the handle @atoke_ | Check out her Instagram page @atoke_ and visit her website atoke.com for more information.

101 Comments

  1. Californiabawlar

    October 12, 2015 at 9:57 am

    Allow can sound somehow, so maybe “strongly advice against” …I dunno Atoke, na you be the lawyer…lols.

  2. iconTola

    October 12, 2015 at 9:58 am

    I guess I am as myopic you are, but I won’t want to date an “Oga at the top”, rather my friend…though I will ask for his opinion but I don’t want someone that will think he has to allow me do something, the problem with that is not just granting permission but people like that have a sense of entitlement, want the world to evolve around them.

  3. Oluwabusola Adedire

    October 12, 2015 at 10:08 am

    ‘I don’t know guys; maybe I am just myopic but I just want to be happy…not living in fear that I am not allowed to do this or that. I want to marry my friend, not my “Oga at the top” or my father’ – EVERYTHING!
    Upbringing matters.. I am a believer that most individuals take after the pre-existing dynamics of their parents so it is only sensible to choose someone who is similar to you. It is futile to change, or want to change anyone. The end result will be resentment.

    • Kim

      October 12, 2015 at 10:37 am

      Exactly my thought and believe.

    • Tkum

      October 12, 2015 at 11:33 am

      this comment is Gold!!!

    • Mz Socially Awkward...

      October 12, 2015 at 3:11 pm

      Ehen, my sister, you don talk am… upbringing matters a whole lot when shaping people into “allowers” and “the allowed”.

      So that when I look towards my mama wey from the begining no dey “allow” my papa tell am wetin she fit do (despite belonging to a generation of women that we seem not to believe were already finding ways and means to be empowered in their marriages), na from that example I go begin locate sense about how to tackle such issues in relationships … because, if you give my papa small chance – ahhhhhnnnnn!!!!! He go “allow” you until the very end. Mumsie always says that marrying a woman with open-eye was the best thing for him, because if he had married a “yes sir” kind of woman, the ego trip he would have been on, ehnnnnnn (!!)…..

    • Mz Socially Awkward...

      October 12, 2015 at 3:15 pm

      Plus, forgot to add, my mother was birthed and raised by a woman who also didn’t “allow” her husband or society to be giving her unnecessary limits on what she could or couldn’t do (note that this was a generation which we consider to be even more”backward” than our parents’ generation; note also that said husband loved grandma to pieces even in spite of the woman’s fiery nature)… so, yes, upbringing matters a great deal.

  4. Fabulous B

    October 12, 2015 at 10:11 am

    LOL @ Allow.
    Not to divert the issue here. I had this little chat with the supermarket owner in my area this morning. Married woman with about 4 children. I said something about eating the yam&fried egg leftover from yesterday, later before noon today, bcos I had fruits earlier. She went on to say ladies of nowadays don’t like to cook and that’s why husband/men look outside. I told her I love to cook; it’s not easy cooking everyday, that’s y I take fruits most mornings and sort the rest of the day. It’s not just food that keeps men of this days, you have to be good in other areas like sexual satisfaction. Meeting up doesn’t guarantee a faithful man/husband this days, it’s left to the man. At this point she didn’t go further. LMAO

  5. Nengi

    October 12, 2015 at 10:11 am

    I’m Sorry Atoke but I strongly disagree with you on most of your points. The only thing I agree with is that the word allow does have some wrong connotations… Having said that, independence in marriage is not black and white… it’s very grey. “allowing” certain things now have to be considered in new lights: not just how it affects you as a single unit but how it affects your significant other and both of you as a whole unit. Let’s face it, there are some things you can’t do when you have committed yourself to another. A very simple example is this: if you’re single, you can go to a party and flirt and dance with whoever you deem fit. If you’re in a committed relationship you cant… it’s not so much that your boyfriend/husband doesn’t allow you do this, its a commitment that you’ve made and this action is incompatible with that commitment. I know some spouses make unrealistic demands in the name of marriage (e.g. not allowing spouses to work etc) that’s a story for another day. My long epistle has a short message. When you get involved (especially married) to someone… you have to compromise…

    • Alem

      October 12, 2015 at 10:45 am

      You totally nailed it. Marriage is about making compromises, it’s no more ‘me’ or ‘I’ but ‘we’. Of course there are unrealistic expectations that @Nengi has already listed, but by and large know that things will not be the same once you get married and this is for both ladies and men. It’s not about allowing but about respecting/loving your partner enough to make ‘compromises’ for him/her.

    • hmmm

      October 12, 2015 at 2:18 pm

      Yes marriage is not about “me” or “I” but “WE”……but lets face it….women tend to compromise more than men do so the supposed “we” becomes “I” or “me” in most cases….. JUST SAYING

    • Chinny

      October 12, 2015 at 10:56 am

      Exactly my dear!! Stoke I 100% dissagree with you! If you continue this part,you are guna end up a lonely single angry old woman!! Sorry for being brutal! I have an aunty that practiced exactly what she preached and now she’s off to one church or another looking for a life partner!! Life is all about compromise!! The moment you enter a relationship,you have unconsciously giving up some part of your freedom..you can’t just get up and go on holiday without informing your other half and asking him if it’s okay with him or her..it might be that he/she needs you at that time and it will not be convinience to travel at that time!!
      When I was in uni,my boyfriend knew he could not go on holiday around may cause that was during my exams and I was constantly having panick attack,so what ever plans he had always gt cancelled just to be there for me!

    • Amiee

      October 12, 2015 at 12:37 pm

      Mahhnnn… how you people bring single angry old woman into any conversation that has to do with asserting individuality is always beyond me. So you mean to tell me that every woman who ” allowed” their partner tell them what to do, who were docile and submissive to their partner is now a married happy young woman, okwaya? Did you even read the article at all? Did Atoke say she was going to disagree/agree with everything her man allowed or disallowed her to do? She was only trying to make a case for her individuality by saying that the fact that you are now a partner to somebody does not mean that they overshadow you or boss you around.

    • The real D

      October 12, 2015 at 3:51 pm

      Those that are disagreeing because marriage is about making compromises are not getting the gist behind the article. Let me real it down for you, what Ms. Atoke is trying to say is this: there are individuals on planet earth, that feel that once they gain the title of “wives” or “husbands” some it is GF or BF, they have taken on the role of dictator as well, and we can pretend like we don’t know that does not exist but it does.
      Ms. Atoke did not have to make the journey to “twitterville” to see this, I have seen this on comments on BN.
      Let me give an example :Aunty Belle situation: woman complains that her hubby does not help around the house and yet makes demands for freshly cooked meals
      Commenter: sit your husband down and let him know you will not allow that in your home.
      I am like you will not allow a grown man do whatever he wants to do? So how exactly do you plan stopping him? By beating him? (Which some women do) or by kicking him or yourself out and then he finds somebody else.
      Personally, I think people that make statements are just exhibiting signs of immaturity. It takes a matured mind to understand that being a relationship is about making compromises not about one being the boss, it also means learning to pick your battles and having the wisdom to know how to fight the battles that are worth picking. I will never tell my hubby he is allowed or not allowed to do something but I know he is aware of what makes of a happy wife (me) and a happy home.
      @ Chinny, there is no point in starting out your comment with “if you continue on this path ….”… she has not indicated that she is a a hurry to get married and there is absolutely nothing wrong with being single, being single does not equate being lonely. And if she desires to be with someone someday, I am certain she will find someone who shares the same frame of my mind as she does. Marriage is about compatibility, there is no one size fits all man or woman out there.

    • Adaeze Writes

      October 12, 2015 at 11:15 am

      Thanks for this comment Nengi! It has nothing to do with ‘allowing’ rather, it’s the fact that two have become one, as the case maybe and should try to work things out to suit eachother perfectly.

    • larz

      October 12, 2015 at 12:18 pm

      Thank you

    • larz

      October 12, 2015 at 12:21 pm

      And just to add to this. When your priority becomes your family, when you make these compromises, you may not like it but you are happy knowing that this small sacrifice that costs you 10% has a benefit of 40% to the whole family as a unit. It is well worth it. There are times when this is misused but it is not always.

    • Mz Socially Awkward...

      October 12, 2015 at 3:29 pm

      But you ladies are talking about compromise, which is completely different from these “allowances” which Atoke is alluding to. How can you “allow” a grown man or woman to do or not do anything? On this same blog, I read comments advocating the need to raise children with open communication and constant explanations about our expectations because it has become crystal clear that the heavy-handed method of parenting practised in our own time just won’t work.

      So why do adults need to be forbidden from doing things as if their other halves are in relationships with a child? I’m honestly curious to know.

    • larz

      October 14, 2015 at 5:28 pm

      I have seen many people abuse the English language. I don’t truly believe that every one who say “allow” means to requirement for permission.

    • Xi

      October 12, 2015 at 8:09 pm

      Wise words from people that are probably living that truth. All this Atoke and co, lollest. Una never jam!! That’s all I have to say. We are all allowed wishful thinking sha.

  6. TA

    October 12, 2015 at 10:14 am

    Atoke mi, relationships are dynamic o and you would be shocked as to what some women and men actually allow (normal in their marriages. Some people are wired that way! Shocking,but true.
    Sometimes too, people like to blame their poor decisions on others. E.g, Ijeoma: ‘TA why you come fat like this nah? TA: Le kwa m o! My husband won’t allow me eat well o. He is a sweet tooth so everyday is cakes, suya, cookies, ice cream. Ijeoma and TA both laugh indulgently. So tell me, who really makes TA obese, is it her husband or her poor choices? That is what I have come to see over the years. People be blaming others but themselves. Same way it is with taking trips,getting a job, making major decisions. Oh Iya Sola won’t let me travel, Ah , Papa Risi won’t let me attend that burial. Story for tortoise! When you know that deep down you did not plan to attend before, it was just convenient to blame Papa Risi.
    But are their people who genuinely have partners who won’t let them do something? Of course there are, to such people I say ; talk. Sit your husband/wife down, tell him why you want to do xyz. Why it matters and you may chip in nicely why you are not comfortable with the word allow, how it screams of tyranny blah blah blah. Chances are if you are in a healthy relationship, the matter can be amicably resolved. But I digress, Lol, this article appears geared to address those dictator/dictatee relationships. As I said earlier, there is the market for the people wired to thrive in such.
    You all have a great week. 🙂

  7. All i can say

    October 12, 2015 at 10:15 am

    All i can say to you Atoke is to wait till you are married.

    It is very easy to blab as a single guy/girl say this is what am gonna do bl abl abla, till you are in and all seems like a different world entirely.

    Allow may not be the right word to use but definitely it resembles it.

    e.g Mr /Mrs Atoke wants to go to UK for a friends wedding or calabar festival for 1week. She wants to by all cost but what if the husband/wife goes against it? You might have to drop it cos it is no longer “I” it is “WE & US”

    2nd example, using the same scenario of travelling, if your office was sending you for a training outside or to calabar for a week, probably tied to your promotion, your partner would be the one to facilitate your trip sef.

    So you see, situations and events are not the same. For what purpose is the trip? Is it for a collective goal or aim? Two have become one remember.

    If you would like ot remain the LORD OF THE RINGS, just stay single and do whatever you love to do on your own

  8. FasholasLover

    October 12, 2015 at 10:36 am

    “Allow”, that word in this context rankles me. A few years ago, my stupid boss at the time (he is late now) when he saw a dress ring on my wedding finger said ” If you are my wife, l will never “allow” you wear that ring on that finger”! Haba boss? As per Oga at work, l simply clicked my fingers over my head (as in God forbid that l should marry a man like you) I wasn’t surprised he could say that to me when later that week in his office going through my draft presentation, a call came through from his wife who by the way is a Lagos big girl that her car broke down. He spoke to her so harshly as if he was speaking to his slave. I felt shame on Madams behalf. He must have “allowed” her use the car only for her to call that his precious car broke down. As women, we have a lot of work to do in raising our sons. You cannot give what you don’t have. As a man, if you grow up seeing your father “allow” your mother, how then can your world view be different?

  9. Fabulous B

    October 12, 2015 at 10:37 am

    I am making it clear to my bf the kind of person I am. I love to be free and I know my limits o. LOL. The guy knows he’s dating a crazy girl (in a good way) and he’s so happy that he finally meets a lady that is herself and not afraid to express herself. I tell him, dear let’s live our lives in our own ways, not following anyone’s footsteps, as far as we’re both comfortable with it.
    The guy is a CAC member(choir for that matter). I tell him that I like to go to the club with friends once in a while(few times in a year,at times, none in a whole year). He’s face changed a bit but he lighten up when I explained to him. He’s a lively person but not a club man, digs beach, gatherings, etc. He has every right to be him and I also, but must take each other into consideration.
    I agree with you Atoke but don’t know what extent yours go and it’s left to you to determine that. I feel we shouldn’t be all westernised and forget our roots

  10. xplorenollywood.com

    October 12, 2015 at 10:57 am

    Don’t know whether it’s my phone, but I struggled with this article and trying to understand what you are tying to say Atoke! I know you likened this more to a relationship and married couples but if I take it to an office, if my boss doesn’t allow me take a certain decision, does all hell break lose? Maybe it’s the way you have used the word, I have friends that say they need to ask their husbands permission before they go out just like their husbands ask them too and if they don’t want their husbands to go out, they say so! Does that mean that there is something wrong? That u were independent and your own person when you were single doesn’t mean u will not respect each other when u r married? I put it to you that even independent single girls don’t do everything they want to do so what r you truly on about??? That people loose their identity when they get married or what!!!

    • Nnechi Spicy

      October 12, 2015 at 6:16 pm

      Xplorenollywood.com not only you oh. I didnt understand her article till I read comments. I love d examples you gave. Let me add two of mine;
      1) I had a one year old birthday party to attend @ LNG and of course I had to go with my toddler. DH said ‘so you want to fly water to attend birthday party ehn! I can understand if its a wedding oh. Well, you can go oh, but not with my son’. Suffice to say I did not go.
      2) one fine morning my DH wore colour riot and I told him point blank ‘I WILL NOT ALLOW HIM LEAVE THE HOUSE LOOKING LIKE THAT’. Of course he had to change half of his outfit (cant remember if its d shirt or d pants again) He knows not to argue when I get into the ‘dictatorial’ mode which I make sure is rare so as to have maximum impact. Funny enough he doesnt use d word ‘allow but trust me if he doesn’t want you doing something the way he will word it ehn…
      Atoke leave matter abeg!

  11. Gurl

    October 12, 2015 at 11:18 am

    I have this friend who used to wear makeup and weave in her single days. She got married to a reformed player. And now she rarely wears makeup. And her weaves or braids cannot go past a certain length. She said her husband doesn’t like it and wont allow her. The word allow irks me. I think it’s better to say that women just go for that kind of restriction to preserve the marriage.

    • Oluwabusola Adedire

      October 12, 2015 at 11:50 am

      na this kain control I fear pass 🙁 I can’t judge though.. so far she is happy! However, I think people should be open about their likes and dislikes before marriage. It is quite dishonest if you allowed/tolerated certain lifestyle(s) before marriage, only for you to restrict them in marriage. It goes both ways. I know there are compromises in marriage but love thrives when the other person is free to be themselves. The paradox is that true freedom is not free therefore it is only imperative that you make personal decisions in consideration to the other person. That’s basic respect!

    • Magz

      October 12, 2015 at 3:03 pm

      Exactly!!! Why would you “allow” certain things while you were courting and decide that you can’t ‘allow” them anymore after marriage. It is just scary!

    • Mz Socially Awkward...

      October 12, 2015 at 3:42 pm

      Nne, you’re speaking my language today oh. Dazit and dazall!!! M-a-t-u-r-i-t-y is the say-all and be-all of this whole discussion. Did you marry or are you in a relationship with a mature person? If you know say na pikin dey worry your other half, o.y.o is ya own and we need to have a separate discussion on that … but if you’re in a loving relationship with a full-grown adult (and need I say, a full grown adult who is as invested as you are) then you both understand what limits that each of you WILLINGLY decides to put on your respective freedoms for the sake of the other person, not to be “allowing” and “disallowing” each other like say na boarding school you dey run.

      Bible talk am (for those among us who are Christians) best when e say – “Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. IT DOES NOT DEMAND ITS OWN WAY (1 Corinthians 13:4, emphasis in caps mine). Compromise. Willing compromise. Na there the matter suppose end without any allowing of whatever.

      Toksy, “tenkz” for this MMB to help my weary brain digress a wee bit this stressful Monday. O di kwa necessary 🙂

    • Annienonymous

      October 12, 2015 at 3:43 pm

      love thrives when the other person is free to be themselves – BOOM!! #dasall

  12. Josh

    October 12, 2015 at 11:26 am

    I dunno buh I’m a christian. The ‘wrapround’ tying kind and av come to realize that in christianity, there is no such thing as feminism. The man is the head in the family. Pronto!
    And as for whether to ‘allow’ or not. I guess the word sounds too harsh but then like Month said it could actually mean whether ‘you are cool with it’. Marriage is a bit like ‘To give and to take’. You are no longer single units but a blend of the two. So that where you end, your partner begins.
    And yes I’m a guy buh it doesn’t factor in.

  13. Josh

    October 12, 2015 at 11:28 am

    I dunno buh I’m a christian. The ‘wrapround’ tying kind and av come to realize that in christianity, there is no such thing as feminism. The man is the head in the family. Pronto!
    And as for whether to ‘allow’ or not. I guess the word sounds too harsh but then like Mo’ said it could actually mean whether ‘you are cool with it’. Marriage is a bit like ‘To give and to take’. You are no longer single units but a blend of the two. So that where you end, your partner begins.
    And yes I’m a guy buh it doesn’t factor in.

  14. Birdie

    October 12, 2015 at 11:29 am

    y husband has recently started restricting the way I dress. I have been lucky enough to maintain my body after having kids. And because i can, I love to wear fitting clothes as long as my cleavage, thighs or lower back are not showing. But my husband said he doesn’t even want the outline/ symmetry of my body to show. He doesn’t like the way body con dresses /ffitting clothes look on my body. And he doesnt like the way his friends look at me. I have decided to stop wearing them. And stick to jeans and free tops. So that I will have peace in my house

    • hello kitty

      October 12, 2015 at 2:56 pm

      eyah. sorry.

    • Natu

      October 12, 2015 at 4:50 pm

      This us exactly what chimamanda was talking about. African women always give up the things the love in order for them to have “peace in my house”Thank goodness I am not attracted to African men.

    • Natu

      October 12, 2015 at 4:50 pm

      *is

    • Xi

      October 12, 2015 at 8:43 pm

      I love clubbing and hanging with the boys after work, but stopped since I got married. It is called evolving Natu. You EVOlVE! I cannot continue with that life style because since I married, I need to go home after work and be a dad to my kids and husband to my wife. I also would love to jump in a plane and vamoose from Naija probably once in three months. Can’t do that cos of family. Kids might be in school, wife might not get permission at work at that time, I shelve it to future bucket list. The wife will not permit me, yes I used the word permit. She won’t. Reason? It will be ultimately irresponsible of me to go ‘cos I was an independent person before marriage. You guys better get real. Chimamanda herself won’t just take decisions without discussing with her husband. Madam Natu, you always make me laugh.

    • Oluwabusola Adedire

      October 12, 2015 at 9:50 pm

      @Natu, you are quite an interesting character though (I don’t mean this in a bad way, just observations).. I would suggest that you calm down. The difference between ‘most’ failed marriages and successful ones is the application of wisdom where it is appropriate. In as much as I am pro individuality, I would not advice that you throw common sense out of the window where it is applicable.

    • Natu

      October 12, 2015 at 5:00 pm

      This is exactly what chimamanda was talking about. African women always give up on the things they love in order for them to have “peace in my house”Thank goodness I am not attracted to African men.

    • molarah

      October 12, 2015 at 8:59 pm

      My take? Let wisdom lead. Don’t let people start making you feel bad for actually giving in to your husband’s demands. We women like to play the ostrich on this but really, many men also make lifestyle adjustments when they get married, so let’s quit the victim game. He says he doesn’t like the way his friends look at you: is not that a valid enough reason? Or are you really trying to get that kind of attention from his friends? Please let sleeping dogs lie. And if the mata pain u too much, look for something he does that annoys you and tell him to change his ways just the way you’ve changed your dressing for him (lol).

    • Neo

      October 13, 2015 at 11:55 am

      Is she wearing bodycon dresses for his friends? Maybe if people find her personality endearing she should also change that to make her husband feel more comfortable. Abeg, yeye dey smell!

  15. larz

    October 12, 2015 at 11:43 am

    My husband will not allow me to respond to this 🙂

    • olly

      October 12, 2015 at 1:23 pm

      Lmao

    • whocares

      October 12, 2015 at 2:30 pm

      team baeless reporting for duty… I’m not sure if the potential ba (s) will allow me reply either but let me try. lool. English is a bastard sha. It might be the word “allow”, but change the word, replace it with another one, you cannot deny the sentiment behind it in some situations. As if you are a chattel and your partner owns you. Why are you “allowing” me to go on vacation, or why do I have to ask your permission if you are still a “bae”. For married couples of course you will discuss your proposed vacation etc as you are a unit now. You cannot carry your bag and be gallivanting all over creation. But even at that, I would expect you and your significant other to have a sensible conversation about it. If they can give you good reasons why your proposed actions is not to their liking, then as adults you will reach a compromise. If they cannot come up with anything besides “I dont like it”, “it is not becoming of a married woman” “what will people think”. Those are not good reasons, and in my Hopinion, you have entered one chance o.

  16. Unique

    October 12, 2015 at 11:43 am

    Atoke i will have to reiterate what Mo said, you still have a lot to learn,
    Relationship is about compromise especially in a mariage situation. Thrre is absolutely no real freedom without control. Just like a powerful fast car without the brake system is a disaster goijg somewhere to happens .
    There is need for your significant other to have a grip of sense of belongings. I totally get that some csn take it overboard. But the truth of the matter is that you lose part of your freedom and sacrifice for both of you. If a lady/man have this always DO ME Mentality without outting into perspective the feelings of his/her partner, therr is bound to be physchological torture.
    The truth is everyone need someone who can have a lil tweask control even though we insistinctively wikl not agree to it. Just like no lady will ever date someone they have absolute control over likewse thr men too. The truth is a sense of fulfillment in knowing that you csnt always have your way and help to put things innthe right perspective.

  17. Unique

    October 12, 2015 at 11:45 am

    Sorry guys for the typographical error

  18. TheBabeAroundTheCorner

    October 12, 2015 at 11:52 am

    I think I am as Myopic as you Atoke……….why would guys want to own me when even my parents don’t. I had a lil misunderstanding with Bae, was with him wen a friend of mine called me for a party…..As a normal Nigerian I asked him, ‘Pls can I go with my friend to this party?’ He was like, ‘If you want to go, no problem but I don’t want you to go’…….Imagine. What an answer….I carry my two left legs go Owanbe jare…….Later Bae refused talking to me oooo, was forming vex.. why didn’t he jus say, Pls don’t go………..SMH

  19. www.thelmathinks.com

    October 12, 2015 at 11:59 am

    “Allow” here may or may not be taken out of context but the bottom line is that they say two become one. Shebi that’s the general idea of a marriage? Each person’s action, most times, would be subject to the (approval) of the other. It only makes sense IMHO. Of course when some people think this entitles them to become authoritarians then that’s where there’s a problem. I really don’t see what the issue is here. I agree with the person that said your tune will change when you get married. I’m neither married nor dating at the moment, yet even I know that there are certain things I will not be ALLOWED to do once I’m married, I’m already making peace with that fact and doing them right now.

  20. Marv

    October 12, 2015 at 12:04 pm

    The tweet says: Would you allow your man to go on vacaction BEFORE THE WEDDING… they are not even married yet; the guy might need some time for himself before entering into that new “WE” “US” unit.

  21. This is what I know

    October 12, 2015 at 12:11 pm

    I know that marriage is a lot of hardwork and compromise. I am not married but this is what i know from my parents marriage. My mum has a big bum, and my mum told me me that she used to enjoy tucking in but one day my dad told her to stop tucking in because it brings too much attention to her backside and he doesn’t want that. so now , my mum wears tops that covers her bum all the time.My dad dint spell it out to her but she knew that she had a duty to protect her marriage and so common tucking in cannot come and scatter her marriage.
    My dad doesn’t allow visitors in the house past 7pm, therefore it only makes sense that everyone else should be home by 7pm latest, except there’s traffic or any other reason in which case you must have called that you would be home late.
    What I can say from all this is that, it’s not so much as what my dad allows or what he doesn’t allow, it is a case my mother understanding where my dad is coming from and being able to adjust accordingly to allow peace to reign in the family . Chikena

    • Natu

      October 12, 2015 at 4:59 pm

      Your dad sounds like a tyrant. No offence.

    • Ivy

      October 13, 2015 at 10:06 am

      Natu, you are beginning to irritate me! How is her father a tyrant? You need to grow up girl, learn to talk to people with respect, okay?
      I HATE it when visitors come to my house at night, i totally hate it except you are in dire need or something. Even when they come under hot sun…. When i go see my parents, i tell the security to tell people we not home from 8pm sef, i feel its irresponsible to “visit” people anytime u like….we have to learn to be considerate biko.

  22. larz

    October 12, 2015 at 12:16 pm

    I have seen the word allow used by Nigerians wrongly that when I see the word used by a Nigeria, I will normally interpret the English way and the naija way and determine which one seems to fit the most.

    From your post, you seem to look at things in black and white. There are times when you and your spouse will make a decision that might mean you will compromise more than he will because that is the best option.
    Example 1- you have to care for a disabled / sick child. Child care is ridiculously high. you and hubby decide that it is best you shouldn’t work as you earn less. Yes it is tough that you have to end you carer but you know that is the best solution for your family.
    Example 2- Your husband was abused as a child by his carer. He has vowed never to subject his child to care of an outsider. He earns triple your salary…

    In my experience, most women who give up their job for their children tend to try the working mother solutions and struggle to catch up. By the time the option to stay at home, some are actually grateful for that opportunity.

    On girls allowing their husbands to hang out with certain grps of ppl. Trust me, the guy knows his friends r cray-cray, he prbly wants to exit the grp (save a few lapses in judgement) but it sounds better to blame the “old balls and chains” than admit to his friends that he has outgrown it. Examples:
    – hubby makes it a point to complain that I dragged him to watch a chic-flick, go to a spa etc. He loves it but likes to act the distressed man,.
    – my hubby’s frn once ranted to his single friends (my hubby and roomie) 2 yrs ago about them getting their sht together. According to him, it wont look well with is wife if he keeps hanging out with unserious skirt chasing bachelor friends- if it continues he doubts she would allow him to spend time with them. That was a wake up call for them and now they are both married now. I am close to his wife and I said thanks to her and hubby, the guys sat up and did what was right. She swore she never had an issue with her husband having single friends, and given she she is quite liberal by nature so doesn’t really care. Dude was speaking for himself but when he added his wife to the mix and hinted at a risk to their meeting up often, the message was perhaps a little stronger.

  23. Paul Babalola

    October 12, 2015 at 12:49 pm

    This write up is disappointing. Why must you write only from the prism of a woman as if the wife is a slave. Am not surprised you are not married, you don’t understand compromise. Am married based in Manchester UK to a Naija wifey. Am a Barcelona fan, I have tried several times to go to Barcelona to watch my darling club, my wife refuses calling it a waste of money. I drink beer, my wife told me to stop that she feels bad seeing me drinking beer because she detest alcohol, I stopped and she is very happy showering me with love and gifts. My wife like owanbe parties in UK with Aso Ebi, I told her point blank that I detest Nigerian parties in UK telling her the dangers and waste of money involved, she stopped attending them unless very important and most of the time she wants me to follow her. A good marriage is where the wife curtail the actions of the husband and vice versa. Pls, stop choking us with this feminist idea that men treat their wives as slaves. I don’t treat my wife like one and many Nigeria men do as in the one I know.

    • ElessarisEllendil

      October 12, 2015 at 2:26 pm

      Go on, let it all of your chest and when you’re done, apologise to Atoke, the jibes were unnecessary.

    • Bae

      October 12, 2015 at 3:31 pm

      *I’m

    • Mz Socially Awkward...

      October 12, 2015 at 6:02 pm

      Enyi madu, you also noted the failure to use “I am” instead of “Am” throughout, abi? And, if one deigns to point out such errors, the BN populace will arise in vexation at you for being a Grammar Nazi…

      YET, these “Am not surprised you’re not married” terrorists (with their very surprising English in these days of surplus enlightenment) can just come and be waving their machine-guns in people’s face without being accused of unnecessary harassment….

      @Paul, sooooooo,…. you choose to sit down here and lie this great and mighty lie that every single person (male and female) who has made their way to the altar, did so after gaining a complete understanding of how to compromise? If I hear … see gross mistruths being unleashed with abandon, just because you want to insult somebody. Listen, dem no dey give 1st prize to who marry first, innukwa? May it not shock you too much to hear of the day that Atoke joins you inside this oh-so-glorious marriage circle, one-day one-day.

    • Californiabawlar

      October 12, 2015 at 4:08 pm

      Na wah o….your point of view with regards the topic was actually very good, but what’s with the personal attack on Atoke? she did not steal your meat now! Do you naturally have bad mouth Or are you just still super cranky that your madam won’t ALLOW you go see Barca and drink.
      Meanwhile Mrs. Babalola get mind sha…she just blocked the two most important things to Nigerian men like that? football and alcohol? dang she good! lol…. sounds like yall have a good system going…wishing your home continued success.

    • Neo

      October 13, 2015 at 12:10 pm

      Somebody hit him in the head with a dictionary! key words. Feminism. Slavery. Did your wife attend owanbe parties before marriage? Did you drink beer before marriage?

  24. Ladi

    October 12, 2015 at 2:05 pm

    Atoke, your opinion may explain why many are “single to stupor.” Good luck with your logic and philosophy.

  25. Menoword

    October 12, 2015 at 3:19 pm

    I’m with you Atoke. I am uncomfortable with the thought that someone will now unequivocally decide for me what I can and cannot do simply because we are a couple. We can have dialogue and preferences can be expressed, all in the light of the understanding that 2 mature adults are having this discussion. In a relationship I will defer to my partner’s wishes but that is out of love and respect and because said partner knows that my deference is a gift, not a right.

    Even my mum got to a point where she stopped ordering and started suggesting to me, then because of marriage I now revert to my teenage years? Mbanu.

  26. Mrs Contra

    October 12, 2015 at 3:27 pm

    Hi Atoke,
    I actually think that you are very brave to have broached this topic. I love what you have written and I am not surprised by the responses you are getting. Please do not take it personally, There are a lot of people who have the same questions, and I know they are getting educated right now. The reality of marriage often comes as a shock to many professional women after living independent and free for a large part of their lives. I have always wanted to do an article on this issue but never really found the time, but now I am committing to it. Before the end of this week, you are going to get an article from Mrs Contra explaining how I want from footloose and fancy phd to allowing my husband to allow me to do stuff (If that makes sense, lol). I hope that when I send it in, Bella Naija will publish it. It will be helpful for a lot of professional single women to know the truth about the “freedom in marriage”. I am off the work on my article. I will be back!

  27. Magz

    October 12, 2015 at 3:29 pm

    *reads through comments* *sits down very well* *adjusts laptop* *clears throat*

    Lol!

    Like many people said above, maybe it is the word “allow”, but it just sounds somehow.

    Relationship/Friendship/Marriage is all about compromise. My bf when i was in school insisted that he must sit between i and his friends during any chapel service. Being the stubborn Ondo girl that i am, i argued, fought, whined etc but he stood his ground. It was until 2 years later that he told me the reason for this (a jealousy-based reason tho). I could have gotten my way but i realized that it wasn’t gonna cost me anything, so i just went along with me. There were instances i stood my ground and he had to go with my choices as well.

    As stubborn & caveman-ish as my father was (he once told my mum to reduce the frequency with which she used to go to his office because the men there were always admiring her :D), there were a lot of times he bent to my mum’s will. By the time my mum would be done, he would take on the idea as if it was his own initially.

    Life is about give & take. There will be times that someone will have to take, and there will be times they will have to give!

    There is just a set of people that rubs me the wrong way; people who allow certain things before the start of a relationship/marriage only for them to “disallow” once they get married, that’s just not right.

  28. Annienonymous

    October 12, 2015 at 3:52 pm

    All i can is my boo ‘allowed’ me to get a vibrator #icantshout

  29. The real D

    October 12, 2015 at 4:10 pm

    Ok is that people can’t read and assimilate or is that people are just eager to be heard or in this case read? The saying “slow to speak/type,quick to listen/read ) comes to mind. Those banning the author to the “hell of singledom” na wa loop…. Ok I saw that she mentioned that relationships are about both parties making compromises, every single person that has disagreed with this write up as only made points with regards to the fact that “their successful marriages” have been based on compromises, which if y’all will take the time to read AND assimilate she already stated.
    Now, her bone of contention is not about one’s willingness or ability to make compromises but when one has decided to go from being a partner in a relationship (I.e I would really appreciate if you don’t do this because it makes me feel insecure, or I would hate our kids to have to grow up with alcohol around the house) to Lord and Master, General Danni Abacha’s style (I.e you are not Allowed to do this or that as long as you are with me or married to me, if you do, I will either beat you black and blue or lock you up at home) . Her point is it is only a parent- child relationship that works this way, not 2 full capable and functioning adults. Please, we understand you all are married (as I am ) but make una take time to read and understand before commenting or coming across as being ignorant.

  30. Natu

    October 12, 2015 at 4:33 pm

    Lmfao!! African women are still asking permission from men. I wish a niggur would try me with that sh*t. I will send you right back to your cave.

  31. Bobosteke & Lara Bian

    October 12, 2015 at 4:55 pm

    I think time alone before marriage is a necessity. Its a huge change and I think sometimes we get carried away with so many activities only to wake up one day married with no time for reflection scheduled before. It is important to be in touch with yourself and find out what’s up, look into doubts, peer behind lingering shadows and have one last “fitting” with the Holy Spirit (apologies to non Christians) before the D-day. You are supposed to be together forever shortly so why the trepidation? If he has been ir/responsible before marriage, na time off before the wedding go come change anything?

    As to the topic, I am not married and to borrow the word from @whocares, relatively “baeless”. I can sit behind my keyboard and surmise how much I would not ahllow anyone to ahllow me do what I want. But from my small waka for this life I don understand say the vicissitudes of life would often intrude and what we start out as is not often what we end up as. People have done worse things for love.

    First thing, your boyfriend is not your husband. You can suffer from grown woman syndrome during this period with all grace and alacrity. However, once you get married certain things would have to change, both in your life and his as well. Some you envisaged, some would never have crossed your mind at the beginning. Open your eyes very wide and marry someone who is your friend, but above all, marry someone who lets you be yourself and who is not afraid to call you out when you stray from your truth. That way, whatever compromises you must make would be a gift, freely given for the love you both share.

    • Bobosteke & Lara Bian

      October 12, 2015 at 5:26 pm

      I should also add that personality types viz choleric/melancholic/sanguine/phlegmatic also matter. For a choleric wife, phlegmatic husbands are usually more indulgent and would you let you (yes, let you) get away with a lot of fieriness. I have a phlegmatic friend. The more I yell, the quieter his voice becomes. He also lets me control the radio when we have to drive together. He also carries my hand bag in public. Its always the little things.

  32. Que

    October 12, 2015 at 5:08 pm

    What is clear to me from the comments so far is that we still think we can adequately predict the actions and reactions of every human, based on our singular experience….

    Someone hates the word ‘allow’ and certain ‘perceived’ restrictions in relationships, based on her own experiences….and people are already crying bout how she will age and probably die single…. without even dissecting the issues raised… You all want to claim that all married Nigerian women are humble and submissive compromisers……then biko tell me if all the deceptive married witches some of us know married themselves……

    Biko Atoke, if it is the use of the word or the implication that irks you, I see no reason why you can’t discuss that with your significant other in a sensible way…. and if he/she has any respect for the other, surely he/she can explore his vocabulary for options to present their case…. people disagree to agree (and vice versa) and life goes on.

    Personally I HATE blanket statements that make demands of me….
    For instance: “…married women are not allowed to do xyz….”; “women are supposed to be…”; “graduates are not meant to talk like….”…..my likely response will be that my name isn’t married woman or woman or graduate, even though with each categorisation I know to accept some realities…! I have a name that recognises my individuality, before my last name/status that recognises me as part of any unit….. I respect both and I would like that in return. How is that a crime biko?? Whats the point of all this life experiences, exposure and hustle if anyone can demand of you as they wish on any given day?

    This isn’t a battle matter, my partner hates a certain approach, best believe I will rephrase my arguments, e.g instead of saying ‘…I wont allow so and so…’, I can start by wanting to understand his reasons for wanting certain things, and then reveal why I feel it might not be a suitable choice for me… maturity is what helps you weigh your partner’s opinion and make decisions both of you can live with. People have made steeper demands of their spouses, and are flying round the world happily married and people are here forming you wont get married, cos of ‘allow’…..abegi!

    • Bobosteke & Lara Bian

      October 12, 2015 at 5:38 pm

      I just had to echo your “abegi”!

  33. Blueberry

    October 12, 2015 at 6:33 pm

    The cpmments section on BN is such a regal.

  34. Nefreititi

    October 12, 2015 at 6:45 pm

    What she is saying is that let the compromise be a persons decision not the other spouses decree eg if Im married and Ive been invited by my single friends to hang out all night, this decision is up to me (even if I won’t go) my hubby should not say ‘ur not allowed’ rather he should say ‘I’d really prefere you don’t go’ (meaning he knows it’s my decision to make)…..
    I could compromise as long as it’s my decision, not his permission and vice versa……

  35. maryjane

    October 12, 2015 at 8:07 pm

    Story story. Truth is, whether you are in a relationship or marriage there are some things you have to stop because your partner doesn’t ‘allow’. We do things for love. Forget all this talk about wanting to able to do what you want bla bla bla. We sacrifice because of love. People who haven’t felt love may not know this lol. Life is simple don’t make it complicated biko.

    • Californiabawlar

      October 12, 2015 at 8:29 pm

      Lmao!! Nigerian wives be like…..
      Abeg if that’s how it works, and everybody just stops doing things their partners don’t like, then y’all need to stop ALLOWING your husbands to cheat….abeg why are the men still roaming? or na una allow them? anyways, shebi it’s all for love na? kikikiki. The way some Nigerian women deceive themselves ehn, e no get part two.

      Abegi!! Keep acting like people can’t analyze a simple human situation because they are still single….wisdom is not automatically bestowed on you because you got married.

    • Joan

      October 13, 2015 at 1:16 pm

      loooooooovvvvve this… exactly the Nigerian wives who will take and eat anything from their husbands. i asked a married man trying to date me one day, what if ur wife finds out and she gets hurt in the process, dont you think she would leave you? Married man answered me “where will she go to” ‘she has nowhere to go” “shame wont allow her leave”…una unhappy wives forming happy doooh oo… Fake women! Nigerian wives are the problem for women and never the single ladies….work out ur marriage u r dere forming ‘u will compromise oo just for peace to reign’ keep compromising and walk around with sullen sad faces with lost of shine that makeup sef cant cover up, while the single sisters are radiating fully and catchy for ur husbands. compromise well well oo while d man takes your sorry ass for granted.

  36. kim kim

    October 12, 2015 at 8:18 pm

    I am so disgusted. How a grown mature woman or man be requesting permission from the other partner in a relationship?? For me, I dont care. I am not a person who compromises. I will never ask for a man’s permission to do anything..I am not a slave. If he cant take it, he can leave. Marriage is not the most important thing to me and it will never be.

  37. Natu

    October 12, 2015 at 8:49 pm

    @kim I agree with you 100%. Some of these women will give up on their dreams and aspirations because their husband did not allow them to. This whole discussion is a bit redundant to be honest. We are living in the 21st century for peace sakes. I know that Africa is behind in alot of thing but y’all need to catch up with the rest of the world. To do that y’all need to change your mentality and become more open minded.

    • Tkum

      October 13, 2015 at 1:19 pm

      For the very first time Natu, you struck me with the word Openmindedness…yes this is what will save us from all d aches, chaos and worries in relationships and marriages.

  38. demashi

    October 12, 2015 at 8:56 pm

    True, relationships are about compromise but If you haven’t crossed the threshold marriage no guy/babe should be dictating to you where you should go/not go, what you should/not do. If either party is not comfortable with the status quo, they need to consider if that relationship is worth pursuing. Before I got married, my fiancee was always in church 24/7, today chior practice, tomorrow ladies guide, next tomorrow fellowship. It got on my nerves but I couldn’t prevent her from doing what she derived joy from and I knew things would change when she get’s married/or get’s involved in some more demanding activity and things did change.

    Before we got married, I went watching European championships games late into the night with guys on her birthday and she dumped me promptly. We got back together of course but I knew such behaviour would not be appropriate for a married man. However, couples need to be mindful though of going overboard when putting a leech on the other partner. This person has a life of his/her own and deserves to live it to the fullest within the confines of marriage. Of course, if this activity threatens the existence of the union, it might be worth considering stopping it. My wife jobs entails her travelling out-of-country every now and then, she loves her job and the trips make it all the more exciting. I won’t because of my selfish desires prevent her from doing what she love but if it crosses a threshold where she has to leave her family for say a year or two, then an agreement has to be reached.

    You can’t restrict adults per se in doing what they want to do. When we just got married, my wife would say a big NO to me travelling out of town for an event even if the host was a close friend. A good friend’s sister had a wedding in a state close to the nation’s capital (we live in Lagos) and I knew madam will not acquiesce. I simply told her I was going to a burial in another state 3 hrs away (which was true), made a quick stop there and we went on our way to the wedding. We were 2 hrs away from the town when I messaged her & of course she couldn’t do nothing about it. Her approach (and mine as well) as changed since then.

    My mum used to say trying to get someone do your bidding forcefully usually produces an undesirable result. So, live and let live.

    • Red eye

      October 13, 2015 at 9:07 am

      Demashi Demashi
      i hail u o

      Your wife travels every now and then?
      I know where i meet your wife
      She’s not meant for you alone na
      Na our wife

      I just say make i hint you
      heheheh

    • whocares

      October 13, 2015 at 12:15 pm

      @Red eye- LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Has anyone seen that caption? “calm down, until he puts a ring on it “your” boyfriend is also “our” boyfriend”? or something like that? apparently now it relates to marriage too. LMAOO. it is well

    • Red eye

      October 13, 2015 at 12:33 pm

      @whocares, na so o
      as long as d bobo fine and is rich, “her husband is our husband”
      as long as d babe fine and is endowed, “his wife is our wife”

      shikena

    • Neo

      October 13, 2015 at 12:25 pm

      Before I got married, my fiancee was always in church 24/7, today chior practice, tomorrow ladies guide, next tomorrow fellowship. It got on my nerves but I couldn’t prevent her from doing what she derived joy from and I knew things would change when she get’s married/or get’s involved in some more demanding activity and things did change.

      This is all I could manage to read on this as I have judged the rest of your comment. You knew how this person was when you met them you even said she DERIVED JOY from these things but KNEW things would change? Come on!!! Really??? So you go to a store looking for a brown bag and saw a red one instead and bought it knowing when you get home it would turn brown? If you knew those were not the things you wanted in a wife why did you get engaged to this person? Or perhaps you discussed how she would have to sacrifice her commitment to God just to be married to you? Im asking honestly because like I said I couldn’t finish reading. Because this person could not have come to the realization that in her new life somethings would have to give way for others.

    • whocares

      October 13, 2015 at 12:26 pm

      @ demashi -somehow demashi, I don’t think I will allow my partner put a leech on me. LOOL. No vez too much, its just bants o.

  39. arikeagbe

    October 12, 2015 at 8:56 pm

    I think the writer’s point is being wildly misconstrued. She’s simply saying relationships should involve compromises and not sanctions. The insults are unnecessary.

  40. Paul Babalola

    October 12, 2015 at 9:22 pm

    Natu & KimKardashian or whatever, you can always tell frustrated women by your utterances. You have moved with the so called bad guys , they have made your life miserable so you see all men as vampires. Even her in the UK, a typical Caucasian couple especially the educated still compromise and don’t just carry out an action because it is their personal wish. All these feminist lesbian that cant dream again of falling in love with a man, stop polluting our air and misinforming our girls. For the mere fact that the two of you are failures in relationship and marriage dosent mean all other Nigerian women want to go via your route.

    • mo

      October 13, 2015 at 3:23 am

      Paul, how do u know they are failure. U are such a frustarted naija man. Are u sure you live in UK? Period , african man is controlling. Yes, i said it alot of my brilliant friends gavee up on their dream after marriage just to keep their home according to them. If you have a supporting husband . u are lucky

    • Red eye

      October 13, 2015 at 9:06 am

      Did they force them to marry?
      Instead of giving up on their dreams, why cant they stay single or marry a hispanic or iranian?
      shift one side abeg

    • Natu

      October 13, 2015 at 9:49 am

      @mo the abusive side is coming out of Paul . It is an innate characteristic for African men. Stupid niggur!!!

    • Natu

      October 13, 2015 at 9:47 am

      Nah I am not frustrated. Compromise is different from sacrifice lady. One of the ladies in the comment stated that “my husband will not allow me to wear makeup”. That does not sound like a compromise to me. I didn’t grow up in Africa so perhaps that is compromise to y’all.

    • Neo

      October 13, 2015 at 12:28 pm

      You are here again Uncle Barcelona? Please leave the frustrated women and go for ownabe with madam while we have lesbian sex at our feminist meetings.

  41. omo

    October 13, 2015 at 12:31 am

    It’s all about love. Love does not force or make demands. But at the same time if you love someone you might choose to give up somethings. But no one should be forcing anything down anyone’s throat because that’s just abuse. But if i love and you really hate something there’s no way I can keep doing that thing whether you “allow” it or not.

  42. Neo

    October 13, 2015 at 12:41 pm

    So I am tardy to this party but after reading some of these comments here i just had to comment.
    1. The issue from the tweet is not even the issue of “allowing” for me but the underlying thing is why a potential spouse/spouse may not want me to travel alone. Is it because i am suddenly to be mistrusted with such a great responsibility? Does it reduce my value as a respectable about to be married/married woman? Am i requesting money for this trip from you? Is there some legitimate valid reason for me not to travel which i am deliberately ignoring that has nothing to do with your insecurities?

    2. The concept of a demand negates the very concept of a compromise. Compromise (n) an agreement or settlement of a dispute that is reached by each side making concessions. AGREEMENT, SETTLEMENT. So is your “demand” going to be met with an explanation as to why i need to do what i want to do? Are you receptive to that? Or the compromise bit only works one way? So you ask and I must agree? This by the way is on one issue, because compromise to me is not wagering, I will stop going out at night if you stop wearing bodycon dresses is not compromise but wagering.

    3. Being unmarried doesn’t make one alien to the concept or workings of marriage, there is always the benefit of experience that is relevant to every situation not just marriage. Even single women make compromises in other relationships, even in dating! If i marry a pushover that gives in to my every demand because he loves me, am i now an expert on compromise in marriage simply because i am married?

    I better stop here before i write another article. Btw, BN I am all for freedom of expression but some of these comments are nothing short of stupidity? Someone is calling feminism a pollutant of young minds by frustrated lesbians. Please stop exposing us to such ignorant myopia, it may be contagious.

  43. kim kim

    October 13, 2015 at 2:13 pm

    Natu, u are my soul sister….leave Paul. African men are just controlling and damn abusive. We are frustrated, right?? Thank u, I would rather be frustrated than marry a controlling thing like u. I will tell my daughters , I will not waste my money giving u an education for u to throw it awaycos of marriage…..Ophra

  44. kim kim

    October 13, 2015 at 2:15 pm

    Ophra Winfrey didn’t get married, but today she is happy and fulfilled….Marriage is not by force oooo.

    • Rep

      October 13, 2015 at 4:34 pm

      Oprah Winfrey personally told you she is happy or you assumed she is?

  45. kim kim

    October 14, 2015 at 5:38 pm

    She is. She is truly happy. Marriage is not for everybody. Even the married ones pretend to be happy when they are dying inside

    • myownonecent

      May 10, 2016 at 11:45 am

      Allowing!! Rather i will say compromise is a big issue in relationships before i got married b/f used to tell me i am stubborn cos i use to say i cant give up what i love for marriage/anyone.
      i love to wear tightfitted clothes,heavy make up,hair must be on point o, long nails,i am so in love with job and catching up with friends. After the wedding pregnancy changed my dress sense,makeup become light,i dont fix nails anymore.no long weave,don’t even have time to catch up with my girls anymore cos priorities changed.
      .if i have to work outside lagos (audit) i take my three kids and my help with me.
      we both love adventures (we met on a tour) but had to give all up for the family .we travell as a family only once in a year.
      Yes!!there are many times we both don’t allow each other do somethings or go some places.
      I didn’t see his not allowing as controlling or being dictating.it actually made me a better person.
      Now I dress my age (not housewife kind of dressing) attended makeup training class.career wise I am better..but seriously I miss my friends(I didn’t break away from them totally but we don’t see and gist as we use to do.)
      I am a become a better person today.

  46. justhadtomakeit100

    May 17, 2016 at 6:50 pm

    I just had this feeling I had to round up the number of comments to 100. Yea…weird much.

  47. Tee

    November 6, 2016 at 8:47 pm

    Watch out! CAC choir guy not likely to allow his wife go clubing so he is probably pretending till then or enjoying the thrill for now till he finds his type.

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