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Quincy Iwediokpulu: Why Do Female Friendships End After Marriage?

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Is it just me or has anyone noticed that when a female friend gets married especially here in Nigeria, the longtime friendship between your unmarried self and her takes a dive into the ocean and drowns?

It’s as if, there is some kind of unwritten law that says, “After marriage, such friendship is no longer relevant”; to be frank, when we actually look at it from a logical point of view, it actually makes sense because Hubby is now supposed to be the new bestie.

But, I personally think it is this sudden switch that makes  maids of honor and Asoebis pretend that they really like the cheap gowns and shoes they want to buy exorbitantly for the weddings, because in their minds, they already know what to expect-that as soon as their friend puts on that ring, they are no longer relevant.

So bye-bye….till Jesus comes.

But still, it is really quite unfortunate that one minute you guys are besties, taking selfies and making noise around town, only for Aunty to now marry and you are suddenly expendable.

Aunty is now a ‘responsible’ wife and mother and so, you are not.

This Aunty can now also easily take to the ‘delete’ button on Blackberry messenger and the ‘block’ option on Whatsapp whenever you say something that she does not concur with (something she ordinarily wouldn’t have done if still single), because as far as she is concerned, you are now that friend that she shouldn’t always hang with. After all, ‘Una no dey the same level again’.

Marriage don come.

And since you are not married yourself, there is obviously no possible way you could relate to her position as a wife or even a mother, so what would you two be talking about? like really?

I’ve also noticed that these days, even husbands, parents and in-laws advise their daughters/wives not to hang with their unmarried friends, because these unmarried friends are likely to give ill advice, proffer ill-association, ill-emotions, illicit opinions, ill-conclusions – in short everything that is related to, included and not limited to the giant word of ‘ill’. The single friends are now capable of mass destruction and are likely to tear the marriage apart if the almighty married ones continue to associate with them regularly.

In other words, the intentions of an ordinary single friend are never always pure!

There is even this unfortunate part where a single friend’s opinions no longer hold water, and are considered inconsequential and unsubstantial. If unfortunately that opinion or advice or gesture or whatever, does not meet married friend’s, huzzy’s, inlaw’s or parents’ understanding, it most likely sprung out of jealousy and never really out of pure love and concern.

And who could blame them?

My sisters, our sole crime as single friends is not being married ourselves,

So biko, let us do and go and marry our own abeg.

It is, however, quite surprising though that the same cannot be said for the male folks. In fact, it is when one Oga has even gotten married that the friendship goes deeper and the bond stronger. Men become even closer than brothers and the friendship continues till when one single brother decides to screw with the other brother’s wife.

I believe we all know what happens then. But why can’t the same be said of the women folk? Why do we push away our single friends because we are now married?

I learnt that it is because we women were naturally created to be competitive and so when one bestie is married, she becomes very protective of her ‘achievement’ and wouldn’t want anything to jeopardize it; while for the unmarried bestie, there is always a huge tendency that she would get jealous over her bestie’s ‘achievement’. To be on the safe side, it is considered sensible and wise to just let go of the friendship before water pass garri or monkey begin sew jacket.

But what is your take my people? Is a friendship supposed to hiccup to death because one is married? Why do you think this happens?

Or maybe I’m just ranting because I am not married. Perhaps when I marry, things would change so much that I would start seeing my single friends as cankerworms that want to come and feast on my marriage vows and commitments.

So let me wait and see…

But what about you? Do you think it is a very sensible thing to let go of a long time friendship because you are married? Have you ever been pushed away by a married friend? Kindly share your experiences.

Photo Credit: Dreamstime |  Monkey Business Images Ltd 

Quincy Iwediokpulu is an Upcoming writer, fashion designer and an Accountant by profession. she owns and manage a blog called “The Q EFFECTZ” @ https://www.theqeffectz.com where she teaches interested individuals how to make cloth patterns, D.I.Ys and also likes to gist about life issues

104 Comments

  1. Caligula

    December 12, 2015 at 2:11 am

    I don’t think it’s that clean cut. Like married women don’t ‘dump’ their friends intentionally. In my case, I had a few good friends. Some didn’t get it when I decided to commit to one good man and we went Just kept it moving, abeg it’s not by force. The ones that are my real G’s are still in my life even though we hardly speak…. (Maybe less than 10 times a year).. The bond is forever. You don’t have to yarn constantly to prove your friendship to anyone. Once you make that commitment, your husband and children become your first priority, not your friends. Besides, I feel True friendship is like true love….it transcends time & distance. Btw – my hubs encourages me to go out & hang out with my girls but as a mum of 3 little ones – its not worth it for me at the moment. I’m always exhausted that I don’t even have to energy nor the time to go party. (Heck, I’ve lost potential friendships cuz I choose to be a responsible wife & mother so IT IS WHAT IT IS)

    • jasmine

      December 12, 2015 at 6:51 am

      U talk to your real Gs 10 times a year? They r not ur real friends. They r just ur normal. ‘dumped after marriage’ friends and u know

    • Caligula

      December 12, 2015 at 9:44 am

      @JASMINE- You sound like a an omode (Youngblood) My real G’s, they got me and I got them….noquestionsasked. Whenever we see each other, it’s like the same chemistry but those are my real friends and we have that unconditional love going on. You don’t hVe to understand though… It’s not real when you gotta talk every other day to prove yourself to someone…. Girl BYE!

    • bimbola

      December 12, 2015 at 1:04 pm

      word!

    • Tina

      December 12, 2015 at 7:30 am

      Agree with you Caligula, found myself in the same boat. I got tired of explaining to single friends how difficult it is to go out after work,chasing little ones at home and being a companion for hubby. Most don’t get it, see it as snubbing, don’t blame them, had same mind set when I was single. Hubby always encourages me to go out with friends but seriously, will rather stay home and watch my little learn how to walk than go somewhere to discuss topics that I’m no longer interested in. Always invited them over to the house but I understand when they decline which they often do. After all the typical young single lady does want to spend her Friday or Saturday night cooing to babies.
      I think with any major transition in life, mind set, priorities, thought process or whatever you want to call it changes.

    • Abk

      December 12, 2015 at 11:40 am

      I don’t think it’s only women. A friend of mine, a guy, his friend got married and they’re like childhood friends, he doesn’t believe in “best friends”, if not the guy is as good as his best friend. My friend is 25 and his married friend will be 25 in a couple of days. Anyway, since his friend got married, the relationship didn’t go sour but they’re definitely not as close as they once were. So maybe this doesn’t solely happen to girls/women. I’m 22 and I’m not married yet neither do I have a boyfriend so I can’t exactly say the reason for this; changes in relationship(s) after marriage.

    • bimbola

      December 12, 2015 at 1:03 pm

      If you speak less than 10ce a year…your frienship ties has obviously nosedived.to be sincere

    • doris

      December 15, 2015 at 7:20 pm

      Sure? I just attended a wedding of a friend i had not spoken to in two years. I went out of my state to do that because even though we had not spoken in a while she was still my fruend and when we met we connected like we had been speaking everyday.

    • bimbola

      December 12, 2015 at 1:06 pm

      Yeah. you are still friends, but not as close as you used to be when single..thats the fact

    • The Exception?

      December 12, 2015 at 6:51 pm

      I got wayyy closer to my single female friends and sisters after getting married. Some things my eyes see and ears hear in marriage, one needs friends to cool off and enjoy life with, cannot come and get infarction on top marriage matter abeg. I am just blessed to have good friends though. One or two not-too-close friends, I stayed away from because they had a cynical view of marriage, having been married before and with teenage kids (I’m much younger than they are).

    • Hmmmm

      December 15, 2015 at 1:38 am

      @caligula

      I feel you. I’m not married neither do I have children. But I do keep to myself a lot. I’m basically a loner, actually an introvert. I like to do a lot of things by myself, go shopping, especially work out, even go to the movies. I sometimes imagine how I will be when I’m married. I’m in a relationship, my bf is slightly like me too, which scares me. I don’t think it’s healthy to have two reserved loners in a marriage. That’s recipe for a disaster. Occasionally, I will send a close friend a text to check on her or him, not much of a phone talker. These are my close friends, and we rarely talk but when we ge together, the bond, fun and understanding is still there.
      At least, when I get married they will know I’ve always been to myself. It’s not bcos of marriage.

      Honestly, married women especially ones with children naturally have a different conversation, focus, fun, energy than single friends. They slowly start wanting to hang out with people that share the same interest as them. It’s either the single friend will feel awkward when your conversation is about husband, children or the married woman feel awkward about life as a single woman. Her brain will skip when she was in the same position.

    • Quincy

      December 16, 2015 at 8:19 am

      Ohk! to be honest i can not begin to imagine the stress but I can imagine that the joy of being a mum and wife outweighs all that.. thanks alot for your dropping your thoughts

  2. Idomagirl

    December 12, 2015 at 2:11 am

    Someone finally addressed this.
    My sister dey thing dey tire me and I think it has it’s roots in that “now you’re married avoid single friends” advice that people give. Nollywood really pushes this narrative as well, countless movies about the single friend who out of jealousy for her friend’s marriage gives her bad advice and ‘snatches’ her husband. #sigh
    Our society demonizes single women too much.

    In my own case sha, I’ve had a few friends that I’ve remained close to even after their weddings & some that don’t even respond to my messages. Well, I took dressing, blocked them and kept it moving.

    • Quincy

      December 16, 2015 at 8:22 am

      @Idomagirl honestly I wish i have that spirit jawe but the think is, my friends mean quite alot to me, married or not married and even despite the changes, I really wish we had that girly time. Miss them alot. As always, thank you so much for sharing your experience. kisses!

  3. ...just saying

    December 12, 2015 at 2:34 am

    It’s just you darling. Me and my friends are still close knit

    • Quincy

      December 16, 2015 at 8:23 am

      @justsaying lolx ok….then biko, borrow me your bestie abeg,

  4. o

    December 12, 2015 at 2:37 am

    i disagree…. i think its the real friends that end up being in your life. my eldest sis that got married three years ago still close to her real friends. i guess this topic is very subjective…
    my sis told me that you’ll cherish genuine friendship more when you get married!
    p.s.. not all women dislike their fellow women!

    • Quincy

      December 16, 2015 at 8:24 am

      @ O true, there are few exceptions. thanks for reading and dropping your thoughts

  5. Me

    December 12, 2015 at 2:47 am

    Oh well I have a “friend” who likes to “hang out” with married men. I find it very weird and a bit unfair because I’m thinking how on earth would their wives feel but I’m one of those people that wouldn’t tell you how I actually feel about what you are doing because I don’t want to hurt your feelings….. My dear ladies and gentlemen when I “eventually” get married you don’t expect me to still be friends with her or do you…. A word is enough for the wise, I would try to pray for her though but me I don’t want to be perceived as judgy judgemental on anybody when in actuality what you keep constantly doing is just unfair

    • Queen

      December 14, 2015 at 1:59 pm

      If you do not think it is morally correct to hang out with her before marriage. Then it is double standard and hypocritical of you to think it is okay to do so now simply cos you are still single. You don’t have to wait to cut ties when you get married.

      Besides in other people’s minds you are just as good as she. Because birds of a feather flock together! In your mind you are not the same but in the eyes of all others you are one and the same.

      She may be the reason you are still single due to a bad reputation as people would readily categorise you just like as a “married man chaser”!
      Be wise!

  6. BlueEyed

    December 12, 2015 at 2:56 am

    Isn’t it obvious why our married sisters are condescending to their single friends ? Well it is because married women operate on a higher pedestal since one man found them worthy enough to grace his little kingdom and be the queen of his affairs, whilst you the lowly single sister are not yet worthy of the calling so you must abide in the comfort of your singledom until one measly brother finds you worthy

    • Quincy

      December 16, 2015 at 8:26 am

      lmao!

  7. Yeye

    December 12, 2015 at 3:00 am

    I attended a conference where this was addressed. you know sometimes its the single friends that intentionally withdraw from the friendship with the whole mentality of ‘abeg, i don’t want any wahala’. when the married friend needs advice or encouragement, those deep words of knowledge you used to give her before she got married now become shallow ones again with the mentality of ‘before they say I’m the one that gave wrong advice that added more fuel to the fire’. you can’t really blame the married friend, priorities have changed but trust me she secretly misses those fun and single days where there was too much flexing and ladies night. which is why people are advised to enjoy and embrqce the single life while it lasts. you can’t really compare a (married) man’s lifestyle to that of the woman. both parties’ duties are quite different

    • guess

      December 13, 2015 at 7:59 am

      Finally somoene says what ive been thinking. I had 2 besties when i was single. Out of the blues one of them tried to break up my relationship with my boyfriend (now hubby), till this day I’m still baffled. She used to live in my house, eat my food infact we were too close. It was like she could perceive that good thing was gonna happen to me soon. She couldnt say her reason(s) all she say was “its the devil”. Not long after she did that my boyfriend proposed. The other one on hearing that i was engaged started by giving me a plastic smile then gradually withdrew. I begged and begged her to help me with planning, she came up with one stupid excuse or then other. Next thing i noticed was she deleted me on bbm and blocked me on facebook. Her reason: you didn’t put me on your bridal train(this i got to know 1yr later). I dint have a bridal train, she dint know this becos she refused to plan with me and didnt make it to my wedding. So sometimes its the single friends that get soooo jealous that they abandon the friendship.

    • Lilz

      December 14, 2015 at 12:25 pm

      You just spoke my mind.
      My best friend didn’t attend my wedding, why? “Because I didn’t carry her along” deleted me from bbm, etc.
      My two closest friends in uni did not attend my wedding till now I don’t know why and we’ve not spoken since then that’s more that 2 years.
      If you check 85% of the time it’s the single friends that lay back for whatever flimsy reason.

    • mrs o

      December 17, 2015 at 1:14 pm

      this is soo true. my so called bestie from uni was supposed to be my chief bridesmaid but she kept saying hateful things about my marriage and how i should have married a richer man and moved to a bigger apartment. i had to end the friendship honestly.

    • Chacha

      December 13, 2015 at 9:05 am

      I agree 🙂 I’m totally guilty of keeping my distance immediately my girlfriend gets married. However I have a few married girlfriends that won’t let me keep that distance! Ha ha ha. With those, I am totally relaxed and continue to be me. Especially the ones their hubbies know me from way back.
      I however understand the challenges in marriage. Its not easy. That’s why I cut my girlfriends some slack early enough. Its not ever going to be the same. As a single, I definitely feel I have a little less worries. They have to think about Kids (whether or not they have arrived), hubby, inlaws, finance… God bless my married friends. Will join y’all later… 🙂

    • Quincy

      December 16, 2015 at 8:43 am

      very true @yeye thanks alot for bringing that to the table. Never really saw it from that angle. Really do appreciate your thoughts

  8. Ummm

    December 12, 2015 at 3:40 am

    Urm dear writer did something happen between you and ur married friend… the tone of ur post is …lol

  9. Corolla

    December 12, 2015 at 3:49 am

    In my own case, I have been the one to give my newly married friends space, and a lot of them have called me out on it. When my friends get married, I know that the dynamics of the relationship changes. They cannot yap away on the phone endlessly , or visit me like they used to, so I just jejely remove myself from the equation. Thankfully, I have amazing friends who haf not gree for me to disappear from their lives, and while we do not talk all the time, our rship still dey kampe.

    I wonder why we women carry rship status on our heads sa. Married friend no wan mix with single, single friend sef dey carry face. With men it’s business as usual, and marital status is a non-factor for them.

  10. Kelechi

    December 12, 2015 at 4:07 am

    Women remaining friends with single ladies after marriage is unhealthy for both parties involved, although people will like to act all sanctimonious about it, the mere fact is that by the union of your marriage and her singularity, your goals and aspiration would have drifted apart and conversation becomes awkward, expect in rare cases of true unhindered understanding by both parties. Firstly, honestly speaking there is 80% chance that ladies are discussing about men, whenever they meet. this is the begining of awkwardness, as the married lady wouldn’t be so open to it any more. Scenario of conversation between ladies will be wired in this direction
    Nkechi (Unmarried): There is this guy that am currently seeing, but I don’t think he is into me. Am having doubts moving forward with him.
    Amaka (before marriage would have replied): Same here, all this guys self, the one you are interested in, seems not to be into you. Anyway babe, their are plenty fish in the water.
    Amaka (After marriage): There will first be a long deep silence, then she will say something along the line that “You should just manage him”

    One thing to learn from this scenario is not necessarily the reply Amaka gave before or after marriage but more to do with the condescending manner in which Amaka will reply, not necessarily because she wants to be, but feels that she needs to be, otherwise her friend will think she doesn’t want her to get married. I can flip this 360 degree to get the reverse misconception unmarried lady also project to their married friends, but u get the drift. But in exceptional cases friendship after marriage do work out (Ikuku kuo afu ike okuko)

    • Seriously?

      December 12, 2015 at 5:00 am

      One of the dumbest things I’ve read all week. Your thought process is so whack that I don’t even know how to respond to your post. Have a nice single/married life, ma’am.

    • Laila

      December 12, 2015 at 6:47 am

      GOD BLESS YOU!!!!! I was reading it and I was like WTF am I reading O_O then I saw people actually replying and I nearly died till I saw ur post. *whew hope!

    • cindy

      December 12, 2015 at 6:18 am

      Kelechi? Na, I’m ignoring this comment.

  11. Wendy

    December 12, 2015 at 4:32 am

    When i got married, it was like my friends were the ones that gave me space.I will call them and they will tell me that am i bored? why am i calling them, that don’t i have food to cook for husband or take care of baby.Am like shooo… Also when i sit with the single ones all they talk about is no husband and how all men are dogs and how their miserable lives are blah blah.. Shoo, abeg live me out of this pity party o.I wont say we are no longer on the same level, but there are a lot of discussions that i cannot have with them without them thinking i am rubbing married life in their face.So therefore, it is better to hang with the ones that can relate with my baby diaper rash, teething stories and husbands mood swing.You tell them that one and they will say look at you atleast you have husband and next thing they will be the one to snatch. Abi is it night club you will follow them to that they will not judge you as a bad wife/mother even though you are their friend? typical naija females behavior.Even rich people are not friends to their once poor friends when they hit jackpot, so no difference here.***When your lifestyle changes so do your friends/circle.Its not rocket science.Its only naija people that like to carry marriage inside every matter.

    • cindy

      December 12, 2015 at 6:20 am

      na wa for you o Wendy

  12. Edidiong

    December 12, 2015 at 4:34 am

    Writer please speak for yourself. Maybe you have some horrible friends that have done that to you. I do not. I got married at 26 almost 10 years ago and at the time almost all my friends were single. We remained great friends! You ask what we even had to talk about? Err life! If anyone is causing the divide it seems to be you.. We talked about things going on in eachothers lives etc, sure i Couldn’t always go to the clubs with them but as time went onthey became tired of clubbing as well. They saw me have my first kid and learnt from me, i watched them all get married one by one and we still meet up once or twice a month for girls hngout… Plus we talk/chat all the time. One or two are still unmarried but we are still friends. So this is my experience, if tyou have a friend that has abandoned you coz she got married, I’m sorry. Maybe you were never really friends.

    • cindy

      December 12, 2015 at 6:22 am

      that is her own reality na…..can’t she vent agian. chai, biterrness everywehre

    • Quincy

      December 16, 2015 at 8:46 am

      lolx…[email protected] Edidong..I guess it is in such situations we know who and who are truly friends and I’m jealous jawe. I wish I had your kind of friends.
      thanks for reading and dropping your thoughts

  13. Cynthia M

    December 12, 2015 at 4:50 am

    Actually as a married woman who looked around one day and suddenly realized that I only had a handful of friends, I would say that the situation is quite complex. I started having kids right away and so I don’t know if the friendships would have been different had it been just my husband and I for a few years. I would imagine that we would have been still able to hang out with our friends like we did when we were dating. However when kids are involved, things change. E.g. my friend calls me at 6pm to talk knowing that I’m off work now; while talking with her on speaker, I’m trying to make dinner, do homework with the one in preschool, baby is crying and wants me to hold him, the one in elementary is fighting with the one in preschool whenever by attention is diverted to what I’m cooking. At this point, whatever my friend is telling/asking me, no matter how important it is to her is no longer holding that same importance to me. So she gets upset when I’m not responding appropriately to her gist/issue/whatever or God forbid that I tell her please I have too much going on right now, let’s talk about this later. Please my people, should I abandon my mother duties in other to please my friend? Anyone who has kids will tell you that you can’t just ignore them; they will continue to demand your attention until you give it to them one way or the other. So in a situation like this, unfortunately, my friend has to take a backseat and I hope she understands.
    I can no longer go on impromptu hangouts like we did before. Even going out to lunch/dinner cannot be a regular occurrence like before. I can no longer just get up and go anywhere anyhow. There are logistics involved in all these things now. I can no longer spend the night at your place talking till early morning like we used to. You can no longer depend on me to do certain things for you or go certain places with you because as we are there, I am looking at my watch and wondering if I can make it on time to the the daycare in this rush hour traffic.
    Then comes the issue of advice giving. Sometimes you have to be in a situation to be able to understand the ramifications. Have you ever seen someone doing something and tell yourself that you would never do/tolerate that kind of nonsense. And then one day, you find yourself in that situation doing the exact same thing and begin to understand why the aforementioned ‘idiot ‘ was doing that. You suddenly realize why that mother at the grocery store cannot just simply reach out her hand and slap the living daylights out of her tantrum throwing child because you are in the same situation right now and realize that both you and your child have had a long day and you are both tired and hungry and you want to just scream and cry like your child is doing right now but you have better self control as an adult.
    The same goes for marital issues. When we are single, we all have our perceptions of what marriage would look like, how our husbands will act and how we will act and live happily ever after. My dear, when you get married and then have to actually share very close quarters with another human being, who also come with his own distinct set of ideas of what the marriage should look like and how your kids should be raised, then you will understand the meaning of hard work. Single friends are not really able to appreciate this fact when giving advice. Not all single friends though; some can give you really good marital advice but most cannot. In the same vein, some married friends can also give really bad marital advice so that’s not a guarantee either. What works for Peter’s marriage does not necessarily work for Paul’s marriage.
    My point being that when two friends are in different life stages, priorities no longer align and that puts immense pressure on the friendship. This applies not just for single vs. married friends but other forms or friendships. e.g. friends that have “made it” vs. friends that are “still struggling”; friends that live abroad vs. stayed home etc.

    • Linda Ebo

      December 12, 2015 at 8:15 am

      Please stop l;ooking for exxcuses. You are not with your children 24 hours a day. So do you mean you dont have time even to talk to your sisters, brothers or parents? If you do talk to them then you can incorporate time to talk to your REAL friends. Of course it is not alwasy easy but you are saying should i abandon my family to talk to my friends. Talking is only one of many ways of communicating. Besides where is your husband? Does he not ever help you with the kids? I have two kids and my husband plays a huge part. I would not condone it if he thinks I am stuck with the kids by myself. You may not be able to talk to your friend at that time when she calls but the kids are not awake all night so you can always follow up and call her back! ECUSES, EXCUSES are the things that African women always have when they get married. You all act as if the WORLD has come to an end once marriage and children are involved. Yes i can be difficult but how are you able to make time for yout married girlfriends but cant make time for your single ones? I would go crazy if I always have to talk abou tkids and marriage life. SOme times I just want a friend who I can relax and be myself without always having to mention the kids or my husband. Geeeze you Nigerian women sef are ust ridiculous and take this marriage thing to a whole different level! SMDH

    • Meah

      December 12, 2015 at 9:35 am

      You are still very single
      I understand Dear

    • Hadiza

      December 12, 2015 at 12:05 pm

      Yes she is not always with her kids or hubby but trust me even if she is not with them her thought is still with them , n remember she need time out too frm everyone frm hubby to kids to friends to housework n running of the home too … As someone said u r very single … You will not understand

    • Surely

      December 14, 2015 at 1:07 am

      That’s their greatest achievement in life. If only they took their career that seriously in their 20s, they’d be able to afford childcare and chefs to take the stress off them

  14. californiabawlar

    December 12, 2015 at 4:56 am

    This topic again?

    Here’s an ogbono recipe I found online

    Grind the Ogbono with a dry mill.
    Cut the spinach.
    Cook the assorted meat with the stock cubes and onion.
    Grind crayfish and pepper.
    Boil some water and set aside.

    Cooking Directions for Ogbono Soup

    Pour the palm oil into a clean dry stainless steel or aluminium pot. Set on the stove and melt the oil at low heat. Remember, only melt the oil, do not allow it to heat up.
    Once melted, turn off the heat and add the ground Ogbono.
    Use your cooking spoon to dissolve the Ogbono in the oil.
    When all the Ogbono powder has completely mixed with the oil, add the meat/fish stock (water from cooking the assorted meat and fish). Set the heat of your cooker to low and start stirring. You will notice the Ogbono start to thicken and draw.
    Keep stirring till the Ogbono has completely absorbed the meat stock.
    Add a small quantity of the hot water and stir till the Ogbono has absorbed all the water. Repeat this process till you get a consistency that is shown in the video below.
    Making sure that your heat is set to low, cover the pot and start cooking. Once it starts to simmer, stir every 2-3 minutes for 20 minutes.
    So what you’ll do is: every 3 minutes or so, open the pot, stir every well, scraping the Ogbono that sticks to the base of the pot, cover the pot and cook for another 3 minutes.
    After 20 minutes, the Ogbono should be well cooked and you will begin to perceive its nice flavour and aroma.
    Add the assorted meat and fish, ground crayfish, salt and pepper to taste. The Ogbono may have become thicker from the cooking. If so, add a little bit more water and stir very well. Cover and cook till the contents of the pot is well heated up.
    If you prefer your Ogbono Soup without vegetables, turn off the heat and serve but if you like to add a vegetable then keep reading 🙂
    When the contents of the pot have heated up, add the vegetable (frozen Spinach used in the video). Stir very well, cover the pot and turn off the heat. Leave to stand for about 5 minutes and serve with any Fufu recipe.

    Frequently Asked Questions about Ogbono Soup

    My Ogbono Soup does not draw. Why?
    You bought the wrong seeds.
    you used packaged ground Ogbono, ground being the keyword here.
    Once you grind Ogbono, it starts losing its potency to draw and with time, it won’t draw anymore.
    you fried it before adding the meat/fish stock.

    Feel free to add your ogbono cooking tips here! It’s going down in my kitchen this weekend.

    • Damseldam1

      December 12, 2015 at 12:44 pm

      Yesterday I swore never to cook ogbono again Jare infact I was so annoyed I used almost one hour to try to get it to draw not knowing grounded ones in shop are no good. Kmt I feel bad for my kids eating it like that Jare. Infact I was even thinking of buying okoro and mixing it with the ogbono and make it like banga soup kindof!

    • tobi

      December 21, 2015 at 3:13 pm

      COPIED TO MY NOTES.
      Thank you for this recipe. I need to revisit my ogbono cooking, abandoned it for a while because I was tired of it not drawing.

  15. Taelolu

    December 12, 2015 at 6:40 am

    The married friend does not always end the friendship. Sometimes, the unmarried friends are the ones who back out.
    When I was single, I gave my male friends space after they get married.
    I got married recently and even though i wanted to still be good friends with my friends, they made it awkward.
    1. they don’t want to gist as usual. One of them doesn’t gist me about guys anymore. When i ask, she says ‘you’re married, go and attend to your husband’

    2.there’s one who apologizes to my husband every time i take a few minutes to talk to her after church ‘oh oko-iyawo, sorry for borrowing your wife’

    3.they expect me to always talk about him. When they ask ‘how’s your husband?’, I say ‘He’s fine’ and silence. They expect me to talk at length about him. I can’t go on and on about how loving he is because e go be like say I’m showing off and rubbing it in their face. I can’t say bad stuff about my husband the way i used to do with boyfriends because e no make sense.

    So…awkwardness

  16. sass

    December 12, 2015 at 7:11 am

    This ish is a myth. My married friends are still kampe in my life

  17. Olayemi

    December 12, 2015 at 7:43 am

    Writer oooo! Lol. It’s not true. I think these are just personal experiences. I still harass my single friends. Both guys and girls. I’m the one that even carries phone and bug them up and down. As for bad advice, it will always come from anywhere during marriage, even your own family will drop one unintentionally so it’s not an in-law thing. Keep your family close knit, control the amount of information people will get to hear and also mind the way you relate to your family and in-laws so no one will pick the phone and be chatting bad advice to you cos they know you won’t take it. God is your strength.

    • Quincy

      December 16, 2015 at 8:51 am

      thanks jawe…Advice well-received.

  18. Linda Ebo

    December 12, 2015 at 8:02 am

    Oh please stop it! Married women are always looking for a stupid excuse to justify why they arent friends with their single friends. You all sound very uneducated right now. There is something called “balancing your life”. Getting married abd having children does not mean that ones life has to stop!! If your friend was truly your good friend yuo would include her in your life and walk her through the changes you are undergoing so that she can still be in your life. You all are talking as if every single woman is only interested in dating guys and goung out and partying. This means all of you were whores while you were single. Iam married with two children and my best friend is still single and its not by choice! Finding a good man in todays world is NOT easy and just because she is single does not mean my friendship had to stop. She was with me during the most difficult times inmy life and has alwasy been there and I will always be there for her.
    Marrried life or not, I have always made it a point to have my “ME” time away from the kids and my husband so I could pamper myself with a massage, or lunch or dinner out with my friends (bioth single and married), The problem you African women have is that for you your man is yuor life. Without him you are nothing. For me, my husband is NOT my entire life afterall I met him many years after achieiving my goals, education etc. He compliments my ;life but he is NOT my life so I will not stop having a life just because I have kids and a huisband. Soon when they leave you tomorrow you will have nothing to show for it. Men want a woman who is perfect yet they themselveds are far from perfect! All you women who claim that when you get married priorities change are just looking for a way to justify why you dumped your single friends. If you really valued the friendship it wouldnt matter if she was single or not. I love my single best friend as she is even more of a sister than my own blood sister and she is a part of my family life as it is not fair to dump her because she is single. Lets face it all of you who claim that marriage changes things are just insecure and have always needed a man to define who you are! STAND UP AND BE INDEPENDENT!

    • Bizola

      December 12, 2015 at 9:33 am

      I love you linda… Can we be friends? I am in my mid twenties and most of my peers are either getting married and engaged, they act like having a man is achievement and they are automatically better than you. I really don’t have that time to run after anyone for friendship. It’s either we are friends or not. Once they get a man that is trying to be serious with them, all of a sudden, it’s their friends in relationships or married become their besties or they start the holier than thou attitude. Their PMs becomes bible verses and they become judgemental. I am career driven and I have other things on mind other than having a man that defines me and what not. I am currently in a relationship that may lead to marriage but I don’t feel what these girls feel. I don’t see myself better than anyone or think my boyfriend is an entitlement. It’s still the same old me, I am not even scared of anyone snatching my man. My life does not begin and end with any man. I have my reservations when it comes to getting married to him, I have some friends telling me to manage, men are scarce, what your looking for does not exist etc. So do I have to settle? And end nagging and wishing what would have been? Sorry for digressing but how do women cope with men that are not open with their finances. Don’t I have a right to know what my partner earns and what he has without asking. My man just doesn’t say anything, he feel I’m comfortable and able to take care of myself and should take whatever he gives. How do we make long term plans if I am always in the dark? I do manage my finances or support when he doesn’t say anything? I told him to put every marriage idea on hold because I can’t deal with this. He feels it’s not an issue, my married friends feel so too, they say I should be okay as long he does what he has to do as a man. Some say it’s only a “mumu” man that tells his wife everything about his finances. My aunt was the typical rich man house wife, when she lost her husband suddenly..she didn’t even know some of his accounts, his lawyers sold some of his properties without her knowledge. Looking at her now, you’d be wondering where everything went.

    • Authentic Sunshine

      December 12, 2015 at 5:51 pm

      Hi Bizola hope you re having a good day and hope you’ll come back to read this. I can tell you with absolute certainty that with marriage, the dynamics of friendship between singles and married ladies change. The direction of the change is debatable and can be managed.

      I’m responding to you because of what you shared about your prospective partner. Now if sharing his financial dealings & investment IS THE ONLY ISSUE, then I tell you sister, get your relationship back on track except you need a breather. I’m all for women liberation & independence but the relationship between a man and a woman will forever remain a mystery. Simply explain to him why you need to know and. If he agrees with you, promising he will look into, then fine. Listen to this, some men will NOT SHARE this type of information except with their wives. I’m not saying it’s not important but learn his soft spots, how to press them and get him relating with you as desired. Good luck and God’s speed.

    • Zsa Zsa

      December 12, 2015 at 11:21 pm

      Hi Bizola. I hope you do read this.
      IT IS ABSOLUTELY AN ISSUE. If both of you are planning on spending THE REST OF YOUR LIVES together, then he should not have any difficulty sharing his financials with you. Especially if you live in the US or UK, such matters are a big deal. How is his credit? what does he earn? what are the both of you able to achieve in terms of assets in the first 5 yrs of marriage?

      Don’t listen to any one who says only a “mumu” man shares his financials, lies!
      I know how much my husband makes, i have all the passwords to the accounts, i know his social security number by heart. I did not ask him for all this or place my hand on my hips and demand anything, he offered because i am the organized one of the both of us. I am the one that reads all the contracts, documents and what not. He trusts my judgement. He is full blood Nigerian igbo man by the way and in no way a “mumu” man.
      It all comes down to intentions. Our intentions towards each other are pure and genuine. We are life partners, we have kids together, why wouldn’t we trust each other.
      If your man refuses to disclose his financials i wouldn’t move forward with the relationship. You don’t want to get married and find out that you both can’t buy a home together because of poor financial decisions he made in the past. It is important to know at the very least.

    • molarah

      December 12, 2015 at 11:27 am

      Your mouth is very ‘gfeh’ now. Get married and come and talk to us about this a year after, so we know you get it.

      I don’t understand how someone will sit in their own corner of the universe and presume so much about another, whom they don’t know, who they’ve never met, whose shoes they’ve never walked in. You are able to do something well does not mean that the other that can’t do so is inferior to you. Too much immaturity is coming through in your comment.

    • AraBee

      December 12, 2015 at 2:20 pm

      I agree with you. My best friend is still single and searching but we are inseparable. We live in different countries but I almost don’t feel it cos we chat almost everyday. Definitely life gets hectic with so many responsibilities and all but it all boils down to personal effort to be a good friend. The dynamics will change most likely but the true friendship will evolve and remain.

    • truetalk

      December 12, 2015 at 10:50 pm

      Men! U killed it linda,u just hit d nail on d head!gbamm.whatttt u are so on point..,

    • Zsa Zsa

      December 12, 2015 at 11:44 pm

      Linda you harsh ooo!!! But i agree with you 100%.
      I spent over an hour talking with my girlfriend about LIFE. Only in the last 10 minutes of the convo did the issue of “man” come up. We talked about her job, my job, career goals, traveling, politics….just like we always did even before i got married. When i was single i wasn’t a club hopper but loved a good lunch/dinner and movie with my girlfriends and we talked about so many things not just men.
      Granted, my life has become hectic with 3 kids and all but I’m still in touch with my single friends thanks to bbm, whatsapp and such. I need a break from my life sometimes so i can’t be talking kids/husband every time. Even on weekends, i tell hubby to keep an eye on the kids while i go to a quiet place to talk to my friends or other family members. Its about balance and its also about the kind of relationship you had with your friends before you even got married.
      Having said all that,I did have a friend who distanced herself from me the moment my hubby proposed and i am not the “rub it in your face” kind of girl so i was confused. I mean, i had to beg her to come dress shopping with me. Several months earlier i had gone wedding gown/shoe/ring shopping with her when her boyfriend proposed, they later broke up unfortunately. She didn’t attend my wedding either because she was “stuck in traffic”. I got the message and let her go. In retrospect we were never friends so it wasn’t like something changed, my getting married just created a perfect exit for her.

      Married, single, no one is better than the other. Its not a race.

    • Me

      December 13, 2015 at 2:29 am

      Please o Aunty Linda, my own question is, IS IT BY FORCE to keep friends married or unmarried? Y’all make it seem like married people are mean, uncaring and proud. Is it by force to have friends?

      Why the headache? If your single friend doesn’t want to keep the friendship, find other friends. If your married friend discards you after marriage, relocate your friendship. Ko le to yen nau (e no hard like that nau).

  19. jane(the real jane)

    December 12, 2015 at 8:03 am

    It depends on d setting of d frndshp. If your frndshp haas been about secret competition then it would begin to fragment after one persn moves to the nxt level because frndshp is about bonding for life. Is it only husband and boyfriend that can b discussed amg ladies? Fyn! A married womaan’s priority changes but there is stil a lot of common ground to discuss. Thaats y women end up lonely! They shut out frnds while husband keeps his closer! if you Hv true friends(emphasis on true) then I see no reason y frndshp shudnt continue o. U guys myt nt talk so frequently or see, but it shouldn’t grind to a halt. Single ladies stop bemoaning ur singleness it mks ur married frnd uncomfy! Married woman stop feeling like u can’t relate with your single frnd no mre, dts sm bullshit pride. Ur husband is outthr discussing ass with his single guys or at least laffn @ their jokes. So go on and remain frnds wiv ur true galfrnds who ve seen u thru thick n thin.

  20. Mon Bebe

    December 12, 2015 at 8:11 am

    Me sha to avoid insult or gossip or drama, pity parry, condescending assumptions or intertwined stuff, when any female friend I have gets married, I kuku dress one side and find my level! It’s only my male friends both married and unmarried that are almost always constant in my life. I truly have different goals from my married friends. I can’t relate to the diapers or hubby whatever, whatever. Most often than not I also find they can’t relate to my career drive and how I can stay being “lonely”, lol. Although I have told most of them several times, I’m not lonely, I’m just alone, there’s a hugggggeeeeeeeee difference.

    Marriage changes some females a lot. From the time they announce their engagement, they start acting funny. I love drama but I hate to be an actor so I just dress and get acquainted with new single people if they are available. And besides all these their marriage and kids and inlaw issues, no be me whey wan hear all that one. Hearing it alone can be draining and I don’t have an ounce of energy to spear.

    On the other hand almost all my married male friends are still in my life. Most of which I have know since undergrad. When I call they pick up and vice versa. No marriage talk, no kids talk, no rant, nothing but good old humorous conversation. They are also the least likely to ask about my relationship status or advice me what and what not to do or what to change to get husband as some of my married female friends do saying “you know being alone all by yourself is not healthy, okay if not husband, at least child, what of so so so, pick one nah,ahhh you this woman what you’re looking for doesn’t exIst ooo, you know if you die that company would still continue without you, invest in something worth it, my sister marriage may not be easy but it’s worth it, and the likes”. Actually most of my married female friends did not end the friendship, they just changed, which was my cue to back off!

    I have just one married friend, I don’t know how she did it, but she pretty much remained the same, single and married. She still relates to the struggle of single hood, we go out once in a while and we talk about different topics, she’s very career driven too and she has her son in check most often than not. She never tries to paint anything good or bad. Both of us give each other advice from a practical standpoint be it marriage or single hood issues. I think the only weird “married” thing she did was that she denied being pregnant when I asked her and she very well was, she told me she had eaten the moon in their honeymoon and the pot belly couldn’t resist being born. Although she later explained that she was at risk of having a miscarriage and she didn’t want to be embarrassed or pitied if it didn’t pull through. Anyway it’s okay to change friends depending on your goals and aspirations though. You need all the resources you can get to be where you want. Any hinderance should be avoided.

  21. Babym

    December 12, 2015 at 8:22 am

    Abeg stop it jor, this single vs married thing don do na haba! Me im still very very close to my single friends o, some of our relationships even became closer after marriage. One of my single friends remains my closest confidant and still calls me to order wella! Having said that though, one of my closest single friends completely cut me off after i got married, don’t even get me started on how I tried and tried to remain in her life, u would have thought i was toasting her lol. When i call she will say abeg o i dont want to take from u and hubbys quality time! Or if i say babes lets hangout, she will say ah u know u r married now and blah blahh…. Then the most painful part was when she said since i have everything “going fine” in my life, she needs to go and focus on her own life!! Im like wth!! She kukuma stopped replying my messages. She was the one who clearly saw marriage as some sort of achievement. Lo and behold though, when she got married, she just wanted to waltz back in to my life cus according to her we r now on thesame level and im like gerraarahereee mehnnn. We were not friends to begin with. Ur true friends will remain in ur life no matter the changes in life.

    • Iris

      December 12, 2015 at 3:04 pm

      Lmfao. This story just killed me.
      I agree. If you guys are truly friends this won’t be a problem because you’ll both be understanding. Two of my closest friends are married and after reading this article I’ve sent them messages about how glad I am that we are still friends. It isn’t as easy as before but we make conscious efforts to work on it. A friendship is like anything else. It may start easy but life happens and you have to decide whether it’s important to you. If you just let life happen to you and it falls by the wayside then I guess that’s your decision. So if you’re single and you let paranoia and envy (yes sometimes it’s there for some reason) rob you of a good relationship, what will happen when you marry? You’ll be looking for the likes of Babym, trying to re-enter their lives out of nowhere? And if you’re married and you automatically think your single friends gotta go because they ‘just don’t understand’ ngwanu continue. Just remember that one day you’ll look around and realise that outside your husband you have no friends and it won’t be because they’re still single. They may also be married, but you’d have broken your relationships with them so the closeness will be gone. In any case If you are fortunate enough to have built relationships with other married women in your Mrs club then good for you.
      Women can complicate matters for ourselves sha. Many guys don’t have this problem.

  22. Anonymous

    December 12, 2015 at 8:47 am

    Okay, I have married friends who are fun. In fact, I have one who loves to hangout, club etc and she’s a mum to two kids.

    I have a single friend who is competitive. She gossiped abt how I wa jealous of her behind my back bcos she takes pics in hotel rooms. I’m one of those peeps that it’s difficult to know anything abt me and when she found out some stuff, the look on her face will change. If that kind of person gets married. She’ll definitely cut off her single friends. So it depends on the people.

    Btw BN, can we stop with the married vs single haterade, the real world isn’t like that

  23. Blueberry

    December 12, 2015 at 9:20 am

    I am sorry, but I can’t do without friends in my life. Married or single. I am a wife and mother, but at some point you get really overwehlmed by the housewife role, that you just need a break. And that is where your single friends come in. They are there when I dont want to talk about diapers and food recipies etc. Heck when I organize weekend spa and massage trips out of town, the single friends are even more spontaneous and excited than the married friends are. We also do a girls’ day out once in a while (married+single ladies group), and it is FUN. I get all kinds of good tips. From hair to beauty and even bedroom. I tell you, it is easy tp forget yourself in the housewife role.

    Thank God my husband even encourages and supports me in that direction because Lord knows I will go crazy if I dont have that social interaction. I am a human being too. The interaction helps you refill that energy tank you need to drive your family life.

    Jealousies will always exist.marital problems too. It all depends on how you handle it. In all you do, just TRUST God.

    • Di

      December 12, 2015 at 5:21 pm

      ??????????
      Married or single, having legit friends is the life.

  24. yemi

    December 12, 2015 at 10:06 am

    Virtually every reason why its like that and why its not has been said. I think it all boils down to the kind of friends one keeps. We all know whom amongst our friends are good and those that are not of good characters. If you are a good friend your friendship will not change regardless of the status you or your friend. The only thing I will like to add is that you dont have to insult the writer cos your opinion differs. Fact is, it happens. Just because it did not happen to you or you have not experienced it cos you are not married yet does not make the writer stupid.

  25. Jojo Ade

    December 12, 2015 at 10:13 am

    In my own case I got engaged and my bestie started acting up, d person I wld run 2 abt my wedding plans was no longer interested. Unknown to me she was having issues with her boo dey were on n off for a while n d tot of me having a stable rship annoyed her I think so I respected myself n didnt share much anymore.
    She used to share things abt her boo n how emotionally abusive he was to her, nxt thing i know she is pregnant n was forming it jst happened random. Ofcourse I didnt belive I knew she couldnt sit bck n watch me happy she had to have her own. Months later I got married n ran into a mutal friend who randomly let it out that bestie planned her pregnancy using them ovulation apps. She told me thinking bestie told me d same thing as well even telling me to download the app?. Anyways bestie is married n nt a wrd abt her husband or life so I kept my distance as well. We bcame hi n hello friends on top marriage.

    • Iris

      December 12, 2015 at 3:11 pm

      What you said may be true, but is it also possible that the issues in her life were getting to her and she was frustrated and felt like she couldn’t talk to you? You were planning a wedding. You were probably stressed. She may not have wanted to burden you but at the same time she couldn’t control her bitterness over her own issues. I don’t know you guys. I’m only going based on your story so I may be wrong. I just thought your story came off subjective, like right off the bat you already knew she was not happy for you.

    • Jojo Ade

      December 12, 2015 at 3:47 pm

      @Iris My wedding was a yr after I got engaged so I wasnt stressed at all. The whole issue started when I got engaged jst talking abt my plans seemed to put her off and again we talked abt everything then she started hiding stuff. She got pregnant so she would atleast b married n not left out which is fine but common not to a guy dt treats her like that, talks down at her & all.

  26. Tpepper

    December 12, 2015 at 10:36 am

    Lol. These single sisters are not smiling o. Lmao. Let’s all have a cool drink. It’s not that serious Friendship requires a lot of hard work both while your single as well as when married. I think the question is if the friendship is worth it and value adding. There have been friendships you let go of as a single person simply because priorities or values have changed. Even after marriage, if a friendship is mutually rewarding for both parties, they would pursue and continue to thrive.

  27. Tosin

    December 12, 2015 at 10:36 am

    give everybody a few years…all the aggros for done calm down.

    • Californiabawlar

      December 12, 2015 at 8:09 pm

      As in eh…..everyone will be married in a couple of years, then what happens? Housewives vs. career women articles?

      Heaven knows I’m really not interested in being hangout buddies with married women. I’ll cross that bridge when I get there. Why on earth would I want to sit and be talking about husband and children. My eyes start to glaze over when my sister and bestie start yapping on about marital problems. I feel like I’m losing brain cells…. I hate to sound condescending but I get less sleep than anyone I know single or married, cos of work and school. So when you start going on about having to cook and clean up after children, I’m like yeah, tell me about it.

  28. bumble bee

    December 12, 2015 at 10:48 am

    This reminds me of a friend of mine or should I say ex friend. I met her when she just got married but I noticed anything she said ended with ohhh u won’t understand because you are not married, it became a regular statement of hers, I was like Mrs take a chill pill, you’ve been married for a minute, when you get married does a divine wisdom fall from heaven that we single ladies do not have, meanwhile i’m not one to be involved in people’s marraige or relationships, I prefer not to know cos I won’t ever tell you about mine, but my Mrs friend would tell me stories, when I don’t say anything she’ll say what do u think and when I do oh you are not married. Fast forward to months later, she had a very serious issue with hubby she told me about it and when I tried advising her when she cajouled me to, she said ohh my hubby isn’t like that, I told her my dear you married a man not a spirit, men think this way, she wanted to argue, I kept quiet and moved on from the argument. Well!!!! Fast forward 2months later, exactly what I told her her husband was feeling and what he may do happened but in a worst way in front of his parents and siblings and she called me crying, I told her haba I thought she saidd her husband wasn’t the jealous type and it’s not an issue, well they are seperated now and heading to divorce, i’m not happy at her plight but pls dear Mrs just cos he put a ring on it doesn’t mean you are now smarter, wiser or better than miss waiting on the lord, i’m not saying you shouldd run to miss when ur confused cos I also know some miss ain’t goodd, Infact don’t jude and keep stories of whatever happs in ur home to yourself

  29. ziti

    December 12, 2015 at 11:06 am

    Fantastic! I’ve learnt something 🙂 First time I saw this style of commenting on ‘thoroughly-discussed’ topics was on YouTube. I learnt a nice pancake recipe. I hope this style continues since I seem to be helplessly drawn to article and video comments hehehe. Maybe I’ll write a recipe too someday. Thanks!
    Had no idea about the ground ogbono losing its draw potency.

  30. Hadiza

    December 12, 2015 at 11:49 am

    For someone like me that have 5 bestis that have turn very good sisters to me ( am the first daughter , mum is late when I was very very young n not we r not close to any family female siblings ) my girl friends were my everything especially this 5 girls , n suddenly they all got married one by one n had kids far before I got married n started having kids too . Yes there were charges after they got married n kids n I saw y cos we were all n still close , they never make me feel left out etc n besides I was t that party party clubby clubby friend . keeping a family , hubby n kids is not a joke , that’s another full time job n they all work , by they time they r back from work , they have to even think abt how kids get back from school , who will b with them at home , lunch , homework n prepare for next day school, they have to arrange dinner , feed kids , put them to sleep n later attend to the hubby n remember they r going back to work next day … How do u really think they can keep up ( with single friends that don’t understand this , maybe they will start having married friends that r in same school with theirs kids to help them pick the kids sometimes from school or married friend that they can call by 1am n say my baby is running temperature wht do I do etc )
    When all my friends got married I really got busy with work so I got busy too n I didn’t feel anything n cos I saw how difficult it is for they to keep up with their new life I understood everything n never complained . N we have a kind of means of communication this days to help relationships Bbm whtsapp Skype etc , most of this my bestis I have not seen them in a year but we still keep n share ,milestones ,birthday ,anniversary ,experiences, tips etc n still gist has time permmit
    So I don’t think in any way is really cos of their new level etc

  31. Abk

    December 12, 2015 at 11:58 am

    I’m 22, and not married. Majority of my friends are way older than me, 4 years and above. I have very few who are around the same age as me. I’m very busy and so are my friends, it’s life you have many things going on. Of course, when we were in the same city, we’ll all hang out. But life changes, we’re in different cities now, the relationship hasn’t changed but we don’t talk the way we used to. But the day we talk, we’ll talk for hours and we all still have very good relationships. We’re there for each other and we support each other. One just got engaged, she’s about 27 and although we’re all in different countries, we’re all excited and planning the upcoming wedding. So I guess it’s different for different people.
    Also, I don’t think this happens to girls alone. As I said, a male friend of my mine, his male friend got married and they’re not as close as they once were. Sometimes one is so in love that they forget everything else and focus on their significant other(s), yes even guys, it hasn’t particularly happened to me, but it happens. I don’t necessarily think that you have to talk to someone everyday to prove you’re friends, and that’s just my opinion. All it takes for any successful relationship is understanding, trust and communication.
    At the end of the day, it’s different strokes for different folks. Whether your married, engaged or single, it means nothing. Don’t always assume, some people are so paranoid and insecure that they make up things that don’t exist in their heads.

  32. Damseldam1

    December 12, 2015 at 12:40 pm

    This article reminded me of my friend who I thought was a good friend to me. Although I don’t believe in best friend thing but I thought we were tight even when I got married we still closed till when I had my baby then she started behaving funny one time she called me and I was sounding tired and she started condemning me on why I was tired I tried to explain that looking after a new born, lack of sleep, taking care of hubby, house cooking etc is not an easy task but she felt it was her place to put her lawyer hat on and started telling me how to run my home saying how long does it take to cook that I should cook every other day blah blah I was even trying to let her know that it what I do but she was like then why am I sleeping during the day lol I was like oga o what’s with this enh so I decided to change the subject and asked about her man she was telling me about she then said her pastor told her not to talk about her life to anyone again I just laughed cos I knew it wasn’t so cos she was the same one who told me about what’s happening and she’s the type that cannot do without talking so since then she just dey flash me and me I got the message and moved on Jare infact I was happy cos I cannot be dealing with dramas as a new mother Kilode! that was 3 years ago till now no word from hey and am perfectly fine by it.

  33. Nahum

    December 12, 2015 at 2:20 pm

    For me, I started popping out babies after marriage and I could not keep up with my single friends. It broke my heart! With work, babies, housework and hubby, I just never had enough time for single friends and they drifted away.

    • Fashionista

      December 13, 2015 at 10:19 pm

      Nahum, reach out to them again, you never know. If they cherished your friendship and you too are willing to make the effort, you guys can reconnect. Such a thing would totally break my heart too, for my proper close friends oh.

  34. Bhoomie

    December 12, 2015 at 2:30 pm

    Well my own tot in this matter is dat, it depends on the kind of single friends you use to keep….. For example if u usually go to the club every weekend with ur besties definitely dat is guna shot down, and if u usually pick the phone especially at odd hours wen u have a new friend which is ur hubby atleast the odd hour things should be limited…, is jst dat most single friends tend not understand that somethings has to change and some stop….. Being married will is not the end of ur friendship but the end of immature relationship…… It’s all based on understanding and also respect cos if my friends love me they have to respect my new friend cos his decision is Wat will make my marriage stand….. In this situation one need to be wise to get it balance…… Some may see it as rejection not understanding dat u don’t own ur life completely as before…..

  35. Bolu

    December 12, 2015 at 2:49 pm

    I totally forgot about ogbono soup, how i used to love it. Now i am graving it. I love all draw soups 🙂 with fufu or amala plus shaki, brokoto, round about and beef. Now thats what i call soul food/comfort food for me (which shouldn’t be eaten very often though) for health reason.

    • Bolu

      December 12, 2015 at 2:53 pm

      Above response to Califoniabawler

  36. 'Diddie

    December 12, 2015 at 5:24 pm

    This is exactly my situation. My one time bestie got married recently and even at her wedding she was ignoring me. I had to bone the reception because of the aura around me. Okay after that, she has cut me off, no longer does she pick my call. We attend the same church and serve in the same unit but dont walk together again or talk after her marriage….#Hmmm, Its that bad. I have deleted her number and given her the go ahead
    I think we were competing for who to get married first?

  37. Koffie

    December 12, 2015 at 7:07 pm

    Most people here have funny friendships sha, the things you used to do with your single friends are now ‘irresponsible’ for a married woman? I can’t relate with the clubbing part.
    I recently co-planned a road trip for my friends and I and we automatically excluded our married friend cos her baby was a new-born and we didn’t expect her to be able to up and leave. We did tease her with pictures though and it was all in good vibe.
    More recently, my bestie’s boyfriend called to ask me to help him figure out bestie’s ring size, what type of ring she would like (from all our aproko on BN weddings), if I felt she was ready and all that. I was very excited and randomly arranged a shopping something and as bestie tried on a ‘fashun ring’ she fancied, I took it when she wasn’t looking so he could use that to pick her ring size. I’m close to both boyfriend and bestie and I’m quite certain we wouldn’t drift apart after her wedding. My colleague had caught me browsing through sample ring pictures (that he sent to ask if he got my description of her type of ring). Anyways, I had told my colleague it was for my friend and she said “eyah, Koffie’s not going to have a best friend anymore” and I’m like she’s getting married not leaving planet earth fa. I don’t know oo ? but I hope we stay friends as she’s more like a sister than a friend. In fact, I’m now going to proceed to pray about this ?
    When my two closest friends get married (next year), I’d of course understand that they have a family now and stuff but hopefully, we’ll still connect on the grounds that brought us together as friends in the first place and man-hunting was it.

    • Koffie

      December 12, 2015 at 8:03 pm

      *wasn’t it ?

  38. Adaeze Writes

    December 12, 2015 at 7:32 pm

    I believe that when someone is real…I mean a real friend to you, there’s no compromising your friendship over anything. Friendship goes beyond clubbing, hangouts, ladies night outs and spas. I have a few close friends and I know that even after marriage we will still be friends-I hope we can all get married around the same time so that no one feels left out but then again, it’s all God’s time and not ours to say.
    Some of my friends however are married and no, they don’t distance themselves from me, as we are still friends although there’s one who can’t start a conversation without talking about her hubby and ending it with her hubby. I got tired of listening at some point but then again, I thought, maybe she has nothing else to gist about except him so….I let her be.
    The one I hate so much is when my married friends ping me on BBM and say, ‘when are we coming for the wedding’ or ‘I’m waiting for the invite ooo’ it’s really annoying because at that point, they unknowingly/knowingly put pressure on you and when some of them say ‘you need to grab that guy fast before he slips away’ you jump in and grab him even if he’s not the right man for you.
    I think that at the end of the day, you can only stick with true friends and as you grow older, your friendship circle gets smaller and smaller as you see those who are truly your friends and those that aren’t.

    For amazing stories, head on to my blog @ adaezewrites.com

  39. confused

    December 12, 2015 at 10:27 pm

    Tnk goodness for this article. I’ve always wanted to voice out an observation towards this issue that I’ve made. Remaining friends after levels supposedly change depends on the two parties involved. If the friendship is real and devoid of jealousy, competition and other vices nothing will change. We cannot blame the married friend neither can we blame the single friend cos any of them can be at fault depending on their individual motive of friendship. Yl in uni I had this Roomie who is 8yrs older than I so I saw her as an elder sis. I told her literally everything from family, love life future plans and all but she never told me hers. She only told me good things happening in her family and she never told me about her love affairs which I respected cos of age difference. Then I started doing well in sch and entered a serious rlship yl she wasn’t in any rlship at 32 then she started behaving funny. She will keep malice with me for weeks I would ask her what I did and send mutual friends to ask her but she will simply say nothing. Never for one day did I try to keep my bf all to myself but there were things I couldn’t discuss with her as a matter of privacy. She became bitter and started using everything I told her against me. Things got worse at a point I got tired of it all. I started erasing her too from my life till now I don’t even call her.

  40. serendipity

    December 12, 2015 at 10:41 pm

    so, i have these two great friends and they are both married and i am single. one lives abroad and one lives here in my town.
    im on the phone daily with the one overseas. we wake up on the phone and sleep on the fone. she has two small kids and a husband yet our friendship is alive and kicking. I visit my other married friend 3 times in a week. the hubby is relieved whenever I come because he can take off and do stuff with his chums, while i make my friend sane, even if its for minutes. i take her mind off house chores and all. We make a fancy meal, I do it, we sit down and talk, gossip, show her how to apply eye shadow properly etc. She also has two small kids. when I’m not with her, we are happily tearing up Whatsapp and BBM with our messages. So, where are all those ladies who say a married woman cant be friends with her single friends because of babies and hubbies and the differences on going clubbing or not? You lie.

  41. Vann

    December 12, 2015 at 11:22 pm

    Who watched grey’s anatomy? Cristina and meredith, that’s friendship. I pray to have a friend whose friendship would mean the world to me. Bruno mars also got the true meaning of friendship in his song, count on me. God bless us all.

  42. Koffie

    December 13, 2015 at 8:45 am

    The only married friend I have, we still talk every once in a while. I don’t think her husband is pleased with her having single friends though. On their wedding day, we were taking pictures with the bride and Maid of honour (we are all friends) in the parking lot of the hall just before the bridal party were to dance in and I remember the Maid of honour was standing in front of a car in the group picture. So Mr. Groom wants to take something in that particular car and spoke rudely to us to ‘abeg abeg excuse from here’ ? This was our first time of meeting him (except maid of honour) and we were the only friends Bride had mentioned having so I didn’t quite understand the rudeness.
    When she had her baby, me and two of our friends decided to go visit her at home. She was excited and despite getting lost driving through a place we weren’t familiar with, we got there. After all the hugging and ‘omg, you have not changed a bit’ yada yada, we asked after her husband so we could greet him and she said he was sleeping. We cooed over her baby, gisted about random stuff like old times. As we got back to the car with our friend saying goodbye, I looked up and noticed her husband had been on the veranda all along (we had entered through the kitchen). Clearly he wasn’t interested in greeting anyone. On our way back to our base, me and my friends found it weird (they had noticed him too). And no, we’re not bad influences on her. It all made sense why the maid of honour had laughed and passed when I had initially suggested visiting.
    Did I mention that he’s not educated and she is?

  43. Deep Soul

    December 13, 2015 at 3:36 pm

    I’m married. I have kids. I have single friends. I have married friends. My single friends talk to me about their man issues just the same way they did when I was single. My married friends also talk about their man issues.

    I do not know what kind of friends some people have but with the kind of friends I have, our talks are not always about men. Heck, not even half the time. We talk about work, career advancement, making money, politics etc etc

    There are always things to talk about with your friends. I do not in any way see why that should change just because I am married and have kids.

    I do not see why marriage should change who I am, essentially.

    Besides family life can be so draining sometimes and you just need an escape to go laugh and gist with your friends, even if it’s for 1 hour. Abeg jor!!

    Besides, my husband no send whether my friends are single or married. Warris his business inside the matter? Total non-issue to me.

  44. Gbenga

    December 13, 2015 at 7:21 pm

    My girlfriend’s bestie actually hates me. I am naturally meant to hate her back but im just indifferent to her. She told my girlffriend she cant tell her things anymore and she cant talk to her anymore because she will off and tell me about it. I don’t understand, am i not the boyfriend. Is my girlfriend not to tell me stuff and am i not to tell her stuff. Though i have no power to break any old friendship but i know if we switched places and this was my own bestie saying this, my girlfriend would ensure that ‘bestie’ evaporates.

    I stumbled on a message where this her bestie was actually berating me, as in, i was weak when i read it. All along my girlfriend always painted a picture like her bestie loved me. Never knew she was beefing all along. It looks like she wanted my gf to become single again so they could continue their ‘relationship;, It seemed like i came and carried her friend and im the reason why they cant do sisterhood of the travelling pants.

    Friendships shouldnt end after marriage, if you apply wisdom, it is best to become friends with both your friend and her spouse. Because they have become one, becoem friends with both of them, become family.

  45. nunulicious

    December 13, 2015 at 10:39 pm

    I’m married and I don’t have friends.
    sob sob.
    mission 2016: actively seek out friends by offering friendship!

    • lolochifire

      December 14, 2015 at 7:47 pm

      Let’s be friends. I’m married 2.
      [email protected].

  46. nina

    December 14, 2015 at 4:32 am

    Dang! friendship is overrated! especially for our generation…

    Single friends also distance themselves from Married friends. if you are lucky, you may notice the change soon after your engagement. At least then, you can psychologically prepare for the rejection. If not, it will come after marriage – usually followed by one silly reason after the other.

    I believe the reality is that it is really difficult for human beings to be genuinely happy for others when they themselves seek such happiness. Relative Exceptions abound when the person happy is a sibling or true friend you have a real soft spot for. In our time, I’ve noticed that people hardly truly love others. It’s always a “me first, you second” situation. So many distractions exist. everyone us chasing somethung e.g career, money, material things. We do not have the patience to develop true love. We cut friendhips as soon as there’s disagreement, argument or at the slightest instability. Friendships are very superficial and hardly ever stand the test of sacrifice. A true friend is like a brother who can lay his life for you. Unfortunately, most of us don’t have that “true friend.”

  47. Nonamespls

    December 14, 2015 at 9:24 am

    Na wa o! My friends are still my friends, my bestie married while still in school and got pregnant soon after, obviuosly she got a little closer to girls who knew a thing or two about cravings, preggy sex etc as we are close friends were all single, but does not mean we dropped off the radar we are still vey close, we drifted apart a bit and that was cos i did not at the time want to bother her with what i thought were minor issues but now few years down the line my really close friends are still same, some married some are not. We don’t all live in same country anymore,but i still know what is happening in their lives and they mine. Until I started reading about stuff like this,would have said its in peoples imagination.

  48. Gee

    December 15, 2015 at 3:53 pm

    I am still single and all my friends are married. On my own part I noticed whenever anyone got married, they became condescending and we’re always looking down on me. Esp when they got comfortable or were stable financially…of course I would feel somehow esp that I work my butt off to pay bills,live well etc..I would drift!and of course! Would anyone be around those who were judgmental or always condescending?i lock up! Then for the married ones they would always rub it in they have arrived…flaunting the cars their husband bought when we both know we were catching cabs together.sometimes they do it unknowingly in the name of be happy for me but really when u r alone you deal with a lot. Only in naija is marriage the ultimate.for me, I’m just living my life.if it happens, fine! But be condescending?i won’t…I don’t have that energy.experiences have humbled me.

    • doris

      December 15, 2015 at 7:22 pm

      I think you should work on yourself. If you feel that way with all your married friends then the problem is not them. It’s you. They expect you to be happy for them as you should and not feel bad cos you haven’t gotten married.

    • Quincy

      December 16, 2015 at 8:39 am

      lolx… sweet abeg [email protected] .it is not a personal thing. As a matter of fact, someone called me up to write about this because she was going through pretty much the same thing. If the friendship didnt matter to her as an individual, she wouldn’t have bothered. So shouldn’t that count for something?
      So sweetie, please do not make it about me not wishing my friends happiness when its all we as individuals are after ourselves.
      I love all my friends and see them as sisters. Married or not. The point of this article is to rejuvenate friendships that may have been long forgotten and not to take a swipe at those that are married or those that are not.
      But As always, I appreciate you so much for taking out time to read this and of course to drop your thoughts.

  49. doris

    December 15, 2015 at 7:25 pm

    I think it’s really simple. If your friend got married and your relationship drifited apart cos of that then you guys were not really friends in the first place. I am very single and my best friend is very married with kids. We gist EVERYDAY.

  50. levels don change

    December 16, 2015 at 9:05 am

    As for ladies, the simple truth is levels have changed!

    The married doesn’t have time for girls night out again, something else is taking her time while the single friend starts reading meanings to it, the relationship drifts

  51. woman palava

    December 16, 2015 at 9:59 am

    woman palava
    mtchew

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