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Atoke: The Culture of “Divorce Is Not an Option” Is Killing Us… Literally



From as early as I can remember, traditional marriage ceremonies in Yoruba culture come with a stern warning to daughters “Once you go, you can’t come back here”. It is one of those things they tell you to ensure that you’re bringing home the man you really want. Once you sign off that this is The One you truly want to be with, then this is the end of the road with your parents. They are no longer responsible for you and their home is not available for you as a succour – if you decide the goods you bought are no longer pleasing to you.

Now, while I understand the sentiment behind the policy – to encourage long and healthy marriages. Give it your best and give it some more. There is no escape hatch. So, fight for your marriage with every fibre of your being… even if it kills you. I believe that this requirement is ludicrous and it inherently does more harm than good. It is also an unfair way of thinking that has resulted in the deaths of thousands of people – physical and psychological; and it needs to be stopped.

Our culture generally fosters an environment where a woman is deigned to be under the protection of a man – if it’s not her father, uncle or some familiar patriarchal figure, then it has to be her husband. So, a marriage is the transitioning from one ‘cover’ to another. It is for this reason that we find that a lot of women, tired from many years of living at home, end up with anybody who ‘has a good job and a house.’ Don’t marry Tony just because you’re tired of living with Aunty Fadeke o!

Imagine that scenario, and add the element of ‘Once you go, you can’t come back here’. What do you do when things don’t work out as planned? You’re expected to stick it out… because that’s what Nigerian women do. They suck it up and stick it out. Till they die.

You only need to look at the alarming statistics of women who have been killed by emotionally, and physically abusive partners to realise that our culture is huge part of the problem. Do you know how horrific it must feel for a woman to know that she cannot be assured of her own family’s love and acceptance if her marriage fails?
Your family is supposed to be your first support system but you know you can’t go to them – because you were warned sternly at the point of ‘departure’ that there’s no safety net available for you if all goes wrong. The fear of stigma and shame won’t even let you disclose that all is not well in marital Nirvana.

The culture of expecting you to stay in a marriage is based on the unrealistic premise that life is full of absolutes. If you buy this bottle of perfume, you must be absolutely sure that you want it. No, you’re not allowed to develop allergies. No, your tastes are not supposed to change or evolve. And in no circumstance are you allowed to mention that the perfume made you break out in rashes. Buy the perfume, and keep it till either you expire from the fumes, or the bottle falls off the nightstand and breaks. Either way, “borrov you are gonna die on the line

It has been argued that one of the reasons why the expectation has been put in place is for the sake of the children.
I stayed because of my children I wanted to give them a home with both mother and father
But how healthy is it to raise a child in a toxic environment? Children need a loving atmosphere – to fully blossom and reach their full potential.

You, therefore,  have to live with the shame that is perpetuated because you’re unable to make the relationship work and are deemed a failure.
Why did you marry her if you knew you didn’t want to stay married to her? Don’t you know marriage is a lifetime commitment?

Does anybody really know they don’t want to stay married? I mean, other than psychopaths and people who marry for business and visa purposes? Isn’t a little unfair to infer that a person got into the marriage knowing they didn’t want to be married?

Life happens. It is an incontrovertible truth that we need to remember as we perpetuate certain harmful cultural practices and nuances.

Shaming of divorcees or turning them into societal pariahs doesn’t do anything positive for society and morals. Instead, what it does is breed a stinking shroud of secrecy and all the evil that comes with hidden things. People hide the fact that they’re separated, physically and emotionally, and are unable to date openly or move on. Others stay, living in a psychological hostile environment for years and years. Yet we wonder why we have so many angry people in Lagos?

While certain cultures within Nigeria have processes in place for dissolution of marriages, it is not the readily acceptable, societal norm.

So, instead, people stay.


Physically and emotionally.

As a people, starting from the home and family, we need to learn to show love to people who are hurting. It doesn’t matter that your neighbour is going to look at you funny because your son wasn’t able to keep his marriage. It doesn’t matter that your society mates are going to talk behind your back that your daughter is back home.
None of those people matter. Don’t turn your back on your family – your children – when they tell you they’re struggling in a marriage. Don’t turn your back on your friend who needs a place to stay because they feel trapped.

Love and live.
Because life isn’t full of absolutes and divorce IS an option.

You probably wanna read a fancy bio? But first things first! Atoke published a book titled, +234 - An Awkward Guide to Being Nigerian. It's available on Amazon. ;)  Also available at Roving Heights bookstore. Okay, let's go on to the bio: With a Masters degree in Creative Writing from Swansea University, Atoke hopes to be known as more than just a retired foodie and a FitFam adherent. She can be reached for speechwriting, copywriting, letter writing, script writing, ghost writing  and book reviews by email – [email protected]. She tweets with the handle @atoke_ | Check out her Instagram page @atoke_ and visit her website for more information.


  1. larz

    February 11, 2016 at 10:54 am

    I think we run a risk of running from one extreme to another. Yes- in our parents generation, majority of people (men and women) are stuck in a relationship that is toxic just to safe face. However. in our generation, I have seen / heard of a lot of young women/ men who are about to get married to someone they are not sure about claiming they will divorce if it doesn’t work out and proceed to do so in less than a year.

    So in trying not to be our parents, we threw away the good as well as the bad from them. The good being, as at the time you are saying I do, you should feel like the marriage will last forever. If you have any serious doubts, then don’t get married. I have heard of divorce cases of young Lagosians than will make Hollywood blush. I am up for independence and pro-choice, but let us try our possible best to keep the integrity of marriage institution. If you do your best and it just wasn’t meant to be, then by all means, walk away but please make sure you have done you absolute best to make it work and that you did your due diligence anyways before getting married.

    • iyke

      February 11, 2016 at 12:33 pm

      Your points are valid Atoke!
      @ larz, I respect your submission too.
      Yes Divorce is an option especially when your life is threatened or violence and abuse are involved?
      Choices !!!!! It all starts from when we are single. So folks, if you have not yet married or even chosen a partner, you have, by far, the most power to affect your eventual likelihood of divorce. Your stage of life presently shapes what is dynamic and static in terms of factors associated with your risk for divorce when you finally get married.
      So are you asking the right questions? Are you dating the right person? Are you taking it slow? Are you taking the red flags into consideration? How much and how well do you know his/her family? Are his/her values similar to yours?
      And for those that are already married and have fallen out of love and find themselves in the tough spot of choosing between divorce, or staying unhappily married ‘for the sake of the kids’, perhaps a change from the traditional ‘romance-based’ marriage to one that is ‘purpose-driven’ should be encouraged…..saving the relationship rather than the marriage. This is an option few have been practicing lately in Nigeria which we never knew existed. I call it ‘Parenting Marriage. Of course this may not be popular and also may be upsetting to some people, especially those who can’t or don’t want to remove love from the marital equation. But I have seen couples that no longer are in love with each other becoming wonderful co-parents when they honestly put their children’s needs first. I actually know someone practicing this relationship model and it’s working out for them.
      As there is not template on what and how marriage should be, just know that it involves a choice to risk loving another for life. Be guided and make sure that YOU are deciding rather than sliding your way into your future.
      Good luck to everyone and may God help us!

    • marves

      February 18, 2016 at 9:35 am

      You call it “parenting marriage” that’s sweet. In reality what you are talking about is a civil union, a civil partnership, marriage with all its reward but non of its obligations and commitments. Here is my question, do you advocate this “parenting relationship” in place of marriage or as an alternative to divorce?

    • Hawt Talk With Tosan

      February 11, 2016 at 5:52 pm

      In my opinion, humans are ultimately in pursuit of one thing on this earth- Happiness. If being in a marriage makes you happy and content, be there. If it does not and causes you to lose your self and affects your being to the point of despondency then my dear you are doing your very brief life on earth and injustice.

      Any body (male or female) who stays in a ‘bad’ marriage because of their children is doing the children an injustice. An unhappy person has nothing to give anyone including their children.

    • Hawt Talk With Tosan

      February 11, 2016 at 7:25 pm

      *an injustice

    • Bella

      February 12, 2016 at 11:50 am

      You have spoken true peace dear, nothing is ever a walk in the park but once you have done your best in all aspect of your true nature and it is still not working then by all mean walk away. We apply this concept to all facets of our lives! we leave jobs if we are not happy, but have given it our all, we don’t job hop here and there but if I have tried and it is not making sense but making me more miserable and thus threatening to shorten my life span, abeg biko, walk away and do so fast before it breaks you, your spirit and your whole being. We wouldn’t tolerate a bad boss, so why tolerate a bad partner?

  2. ladyb

    February 11, 2016 at 11:02 am

    Atoke! you are BAE

    • iyke

      February 11, 2016 at 12:59 pm

      @lady So after reading this article,all you could say is ‘Atoke you are BAE!????????I hate that word ‘BAE’.

    • ladyb

      February 11, 2016 at 2:42 pm


    • Iris

      February 11, 2016 at 3:08 pm

      Lmbao. O Iyke, bae of life 🙂

  3. Dee

    February 11, 2016 at 11:05 am

    Live and let’s live…..if the marriage becomes toxic and Violence engrossed,then seperation can be encourage.remember a family friend,the mom was always beaten by the man to the extent of throwing her down the stairs.but she insisted she can’t leave her kids.she later died and d kids re doing fine even after her demise.

    • Kadara

      February 11, 2016 at 12:24 pm

      I get so irritated when I see women ( and men) stay in abusive relationships saying it’s because of the kids. They don’t realize they damage the kids a lot more. I have a family friend whose husband beats her all the time, once she was about 8 months pregnant and he still beat her so much she was hospitalized.When she told his family all they said to him was at least he shouldn’t have beaten her while she was pregnant! Chai, that’s enough reason to leave because it shows that the whole family is sick and clearly his parents marriage must have been abusive too. Anyway she’s still there saying she’s staying for the kids, now her son has started showing abusive behavior. I’ve seen her toddler son slapping the nanny many times and he is extremely aggressive! I can only imagine what he’ll do to his wife in future, so the cycle continues

    • Olope

      July 9, 2016 at 4:49 pm

      @Kadara: I wish you had the luxury of calling child protective services on them. The thought that a naive woman could end up with the son scares me gravely.

  4. kriptin

    February 11, 2016 at 11:08 am

    Fantastic and thought provoking piece…..I lived in a toxic environment, my parent’s marriage was clearly on the rocks. My mum’s excuse? ‘I am managing for my children’? we the children were unhappy because we could feel the toxic relationship. That excuse was very bogus to me. So we watched our mum go through emotional, physical and psychological abuse. I guess my dad probably took advantage of the ‘stay or die’ ideology in marriage. It was unfortunate. I watched her get her arms broken, accussed of adultery, called a witch. but she stayed. it is a silly ideology. I think if one realizes that life is only lived ONCE and people’s perception of you should not permeate your life choices and decisions, this wacked mentality will be obliterated. I am not an advocate for divorce, but if your life is threatened and you are miserable. who cares if others will call you a divorcee? May we all make the right decisions when it comes to a choice of a life partner, and if any one, Man or woman is sticking for the sake of ‘stay and die there’ please realize this statement….’LIFE IS SHORT, YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE’

    • Spinny

      February 11, 2016 at 12:16 pm

      This could easily have been my story minus physical abuse. I still live in it and have tuned out. Only recently did I realise how much anger I have been carrying in my heart. I am angry at my mother for staying. She is BROKEN on the inside. I just shake my head when she celebrates their wedding anniversary. I don’t because it is not worth celebrating. I am tired of talking so every man to themselves. Nobody should disturb me with he said, she said or he did, she did. DIVORCE IS ALWAYS AN OPTION.

  5. Princess P

    February 11, 2016 at 11:11 am

    Atoke, some people believe in their hearts and soul that Divorce is not an option
    My neighbor that is even engaged told me yesterday that she has fallen out of love with her fiance but she does not have the guts to call off the wedding. Dem neva do traditional wedding sef o, just intro
    Her type will stay and be miserable in their marriages
    I hate divorce but if the marriage will not work out, its better to walk out than be miserable for the rest of your stay on this earth….life is too short not to be happy

  6. Damilola

    February 11, 2016 at 11:19 am

    Yay!!! For Atoke.
    The notion of “divorce is not an option” , and the one of, “divorce is an option” are two extremes and both is killing the society. The alarming divorce rates here in the U.S is scary. But then the rate at which Nigerian marriages are practically on the edge of the road but still managing, pretending bcos you feel like there’s no other way around is also scary.
    My thing is, if there’s extreme emotional, physical and verbal, oh sexual abuse, excessive cheating as well, please leave. Women killing your husband or husband killing your wives is NOT the solution. I always say women don’t rush into marriage just to showcase your “wedding” and show off. If individual will take their time to know who they are marrying this applies to men as well, know what you can tolerate, work on, it might help a little bit more. If you know someone is a chronic cheater, abuser and that’s your deal breaker but still married him, then it’s your fault. Men if you know, you can’t be faithful to one woman, then don’t make her your wife only for you to continue such sickening lifestyle. You married her bcos of her physical beauty which will eventually fade then you want to replace her half way through. Both parties should practice self control, long suffering and patience. No marriage is perfect, it takes work and I believe there are circumstances where you can still work it out especially if the two people are willing to improve and be better. Marriage is work, if ain’t ready for the hard work then don’t do it.

    • Tosin

      February 11, 2016 at 3:06 pm

      I’m with you.
      But if you remove marriage for showing off / being among, for looks and hot chick to bang, marriage to confirmed (Yoruba hehehe) waka-abouts, and what again? then please how many will be left? Society knows these things and tolerates them. We need to reproduce the species and we need to stick people with the bills (cos the government don’t wanna be raising no children), so we sugarcoat the whole work with white dresses and fairytale jewelry and covenants and life goes on. Please don’t come and spoil it with realism abeg.

    • Olope

      July 9, 2016 at 5:04 pm

      While I am not advocating anarchy, I hava a problem with the school of thought that divorce is an option IF x, y, or z is happening. Based on whose opinion? Those involved decide when enough is enough; they make the rules.

  7. Yeyeperry

    February 11, 2016 at 11:20 am

    Why get married when you or your partner are not mentally and emotionally equipped to handle it Why go into it with the wrong person in the first place? If it’s with the right person and both parties are well equipped it will work!

    • Bella

      February 12, 2016 at 11:57 am

      Sometimes you go into it with every good intention but as life will dictate, people grow up, habits change and so do beliefs, you may find that the person you are with is no longer servicing your intellect or what ever or you have outgrown each other somehow, these things do happen, what then? instead of abuse, open communication is key and maybe marriage counselling, failure to that, will you stay for the sake of marriage or will your walk for the sake of your sanity and wellbeing. Sha divorce IS an option. it is better to divorce than stay with a man or woman who doesn’t love you, physically or emotionally or spiritually and rather face his or her wrath of his /her hatred over you! in view of this, would you decide to stay in that arrangement for the sake of the kids? did you marry your kids biko? so if the person you married is no longer the person you married, and there is no hope of ever recapturing that original spirit, leave it and go! why stay for the kids, take them with and move on!

    • Olope

      July 9, 2016 at 5:14 pm

      Life isn’t that simple. People should open their eyes and be realistic during courtship, yes. But for those too naive to have done the needful, should they forever live with the consequence(s). Can they grow wiser/older and want better? I have heard people say they must live with it because God said so. Really? Everything is not religion biko. But even at that, what if foolishness had led them to marry an agent of the devil, would God rather they stayed still? But God is a God of forgiveness and second chances, no?

      What about those who change along the way? Do you change with them? Or put your life on hold until they change again?

      Marriage is a lot of work, and it can be great. I actually believe there are a lot more great marriages that go unreported. But when a marriage is bad, sometimes there is no amount of work or prayer that can turn things around. Prayer, or spirituality, might change your perspective to remove yourself from the toxicity or “endure” it better, but you are only in control of 50% (or less sometimes) of the actors in the marriage.

  8. Hmnnnnn

    February 11, 2016 at 11:32 am

    Wow, wonderful write up, I’d finished reading before I checked who wrote & It was from u atoke , well written as always.
    @ larz I agree with your point, nonetheless what about the ones where the man/woman turns into something else years later within the marriage.
    On the whole, rather than beat up yourselves everyday infront of your kids , or killing a partner like we read so regularly in the papers , I think its better to seprate and live in a more stable, peaceful and loving enviroment with the child/ren.
    Another thing is the level of resentment for the child in an abusive environment, a while back a son actually killed his own dad with a cutlass or so. No child should ever do that and will surely take thier place in hell & face the law for such extreme actions.
    And the level of disrespect and manner in which divorcee’s and single parents are percieved in Nigeria is so sad. Meanwhile, many women are in really hard situations too, managing one mad guy or the other.
    Pls! especially women if u r in an abusive relationship come out now, dont die there because of what people will say. I know that everyone goes into a marriage with the belief that It will be for ever , but life happens sometimes and this mentality and stereotyping of a woman who left an abusive marriage as a bad woman should stop, especially in Africa as a whole.

    • larz

      February 11, 2016 at 2:31 pm

      I agree that there are some cases where divorce is the only option.

  9. Chinma Eke

    February 11, 2016 at 11:38 am

    Lol @ ‘yet we wonder why we have so many angry people in Lagos’.

    I agree with you @Atoke, the culture of divorce is not an option is killing us, is really killing us. However, I also agree with Larz, we’ve run from one extreme to the other. The middle ground? Is there such a thing?

    I think it’s for both parties to enter into the relationship with clearly defined and mutually agreed upon goals.

  10. ada

    February 11, 2016 at 11:44 am

    @Dee that sounds like a story I was just told; happened several years ago. @Atoke to tell you how much of a taboo divorce is in our culture, as I was reading I kept imagining your folks say “if you like be writing what you like, there is nothing like divorce in this family”

  11. [email protected]

    February 11, 2016 at 11:49 am

    If you are not comfortable in a marriage, or after signing up you find a different person you should work it out, that is, if it is not too bad and its something that can be worked out. Marriage is not same as dating (when you people were dating). In our society that people are ticking the clock for young women and now even men to marry most people end up on the wrong path.
    As a society we need to calm down with the judgements and if you need to get married find what you are looking for, not what society asks you to accept because your time is ticking. People are just there to talk!

  12. A

    February 11, 2016 at 11:50 am

    My cousin’s wife needs to divorce him. Everyone has told her, even HIS parents have told her to leave him that they’ll take care of her and her kids. Girl is still there. This man panel beats the hell out of his wife. This is my cousin so trust me I’m even being quite understated. This man sleeps with everything in skirt! Every damn thing!! He’s a horrible husband. He’ll definitely kill her one day but this girl is still there talking about divorce is not an option. This woman has landed in hospital so many times ehn. I swear if I get a call now that he’s finally killed her I wouldn’t be the least surprised. And she’s letting her two kids watch her get physically and emotionally abused. Divorce IS an option oh.

    • Tosin

      February 11, 2016 at 3:00 pm

      please don’t judge me: laughing at this story. because i don’t know what again to do maybe.

  13. Halima

    February 11, 2016 at 12:01 pm

    Atoke, you just said it all. I was a single mum then I got married to the father of my child just because I was ashamed to raise a son alone. The marriage didn’t work out so I moved on. Hehehehe I’m one badass when it come to what people will say. I don’t just care. My happiness matters. I didn’t want my son to grow up to see me in such a mess. I had to run out. My friends all bad mouthed me but I couldn’t care less. Divorce is an option!

    • LEM

      February 11, 2016 at 1:06 pm

      Bless you for the strength to leave and the strength not to mind any bad mouthers. That is what kills many people. The fear of what will they say. Once you realize that bad mouthers are unimportant and you gather liver nothing and no one will stand in the way of you doing the right thing (walking out) especially when your life/Psychological well-being is at stake because of another human being (husband/wife)

  14. lotus flower

    February 11, 2016 at 12:12 pm

    For me, divorce will ALWAYS be an option-absolutely! My spouse must also know that I think this way!
    It doesn’t mean that I will leave a marriage for silly reasons, but rather, that I will not stay in a dangerous and unhealthy situation (e.g., chronic physical and emotional abuse, child abuse, continuous cheating). If we have exhausted all means to fix the situation, why should I stay? Moreover, why should I subject my innocent children to abuse simply because I am scared to leave or start over? Frankly, I think some (not all) people use their children as an excuse to mask their fear of starting over.
    I have seen first-hand the damage that staying for the sake of the kids does to families. No thank you. Some people have said, “well, that is not the Christian way”. Thank you. I will take it up with God personally.

    • Bella

      February 12, 2016 at 12:02 pm

      I love your last statement and frankly I am sure he will be very okay with it, ours is a loving God and am sure being beaten up by the man who is meant to love you was never his option for us. AMEN

  15. Suwa

    February 11, 2016 at 12:40 pm


  16. Christycel

    February 11, 2016 at 1:02 pm

    No matter how prepared and over ready u r in marriage, humans will struck out with unbearable actions and decisions that will crush one and all that is left is u choosing to live, loose ur head or die slowly or instantly ur choice.

  17. prince

    February 11, 2016 at 1:10 pm

    You get pressured to marry and the pressure continue to make the marriage works irrespective of what its going on in the marriage. All these happens in this part of the world.
    We are just too hypocritical and need to start changing our mindset towards lot of things and marriage is one of them.


    February 11, 2016 at 1:13 pm

    on point oo, i am presently separated due to some many issues which i and my family has tried to resolve., but no luck … i feel so refreshed and confident in myself … i thank God for this tough decision , cos i had nobody to support my decision even thou they know the wahala happenning but hey , it ismy life and i am d one that knows ow i feel…….. thou i till keep my option open to make things work, if my guy can curb his excesses .. absence makes the heart grow fonder….. we still keep civil at each other. separation is an option ,so also is divorce. but i will try my best to see ow things go before the final do the big D

  19. Another angle

    February 11, 2016 at 1:21 pm

    If the divorce thing crosses your mind before marriage, then you should not be with the person at all. Remain a satisfied single. If you do the right things in courtship and place all your non-negotiables on the table I think you can get through. When the topic of divorce is put on the table everyone starts screaming DV. There are some exceptions, but most likely than not, you saw the signs before going in but you did not stress your non-negotiables. I am from a broken home and love my parents but I observed them and other divorcees. I came to the conclusion that someone did not do their homework well before the marriage.

    • lotus flower

      February 11, 2016 at 2:16 pm

      Yes, but this does not change the fact that divorce must remain an option for those who “didn’t do their homework”. There are many people who are currently married and are suffering. Divorce is still an option for them. Even if you do your homework, things can still go sideways. You can only know yourself 100%. Because of that, divorce must always remain an option.

    • Another angle

      February 11, 2016 at 3:24 pm

      I agree lotus flower. When you don enter, you don enter be that. In that case, the only option is the exit door when the point of no return is eminent. But note that life continues after divorce and if you still repeat same mistakes, you end up a serial divorcee.

    • Tosin

      February 11, 2016 at 4:25 pm

      – i can’t claim to know myself near 100%.
      – serial divorcee, um, Elizabeth Taylor. More exes, more fun. More friends to carry your casket when you go.

    • Another angle

      February 11, 2016 at 5:42 pm

      @ Tosin, I’m not judging serial divorcees. But let’s be honest, no one sets out to “achieve” a series of failed relationships.

  20. Damseldam1

    February 11, 2016 at 1:31 pm

    One day I had a flash back and remembered my mum telling me that she could have left her marriage and would have easily remarried even with 4 children but she choose to stay in her marriage cos of the children. I remember telling her that what children? That even we children we don’t care about our father at all so who is deceiving who? Then I looked at my marriage how unhappy it was, how my husband was turning into my father how my marriage was turning into my mother’s . I was afraid of waking up one day with so much anger and so much regrets and then it will be too late. That alone gave me that strength to leave the marriage. Today I am very happy, fulfilling my dreams. My children are great, happy, joyful and bubbly. Most importantly I have another chance to do things right cos am more wiser and older. Glory be to God.

  21. Moyo

    February 11, 2016 at 1:49 pm

    during my mother’s burial one of my mum’s friend advised (unsolicited) me not to leave my husband. Why she said it I don’t know, so if he gets violent or has another wife, I should not leave. If a woman’s life is at stake the best advise you can give to her is to run for her dear life. If she stays and the man kills her, what will happen to the children, that she stayed in an abusive marriage for.

  22. guest

    February 11, 2016 at 1:56 pm

    My fiance knows that divorce is an option to me. As a child, I saw my father strangle my mum, beat her numerous times, fracture her bones, drag her by her hair, he was emotionally and financially absent,manipulated and disrespected her constantly (the Ochendo of manipulation), cheated countless times (babies out of wedlock), the list goes on. My mother stayed. She has lived a very unhappy and lonely life. They have been married for almost 50 years but they are strangers. There is always sadness in her eyes, even when she is laughing. Please what is the point of remaining married in this kind of setting? She tried so much to create a happy environment for her children by doing her utmost to ensure that we were always happy, However, sadness and pain was always looming. I cannot and will not repeat the same mistake. I have repeatedly told my fiance that any kpom, any single kpom from him and I will be gone. I gat no time fi dat. He knows this well and good. While he is my superhero gentleboy, I still feel it is important to make things clear ahead of time. I was not born to be anybody’s punching bag and I will not clean up after you. No time to waste on any anu ohia. If you mess up, you are OYO… I will drop you like hot yam…lol…Watching my mother’s life has given me intense respect for mothers. I always wished that she had the courage to leave him but she never did. I still wish I had enough money to take her away, to make her smile and enjoy her life. She gave up everything for us, even gave up new chances at love, career opportunities, etc. Because I love my mom so much, I can never repeat the same thing. I am also too wimpy to suffer like that abeg. Divorce is certainly an option! Anyone that does not like it can inhale my fart (bahahahaha… that was juvenile, I know)… but seriously take a deep breath of my stinky fart if you expect me to die because of marriage.

    So ends my epistle. Thanks for this article, Atoke.

  23. Ada

    February 11, 2016 at 1:59 pm

    In as much as the Bible does not encourage divorce, when there is abuse or a life threatening situation, please run for your life! I lost my younger sister in 2010 to an abusive husband who claimed he was born again. My sister refused to leave because of her kids and “what will people say as she is a born again christian”, today she is in her grave and is not with her kids. If need be, please remain single and trust God to see you through. There is no marriage in heaven!!!

    • Bolu

      February 11, 2016 at 2:57 pm

      Great advise and I am sorry about your sister. X

    • technicallynigerian

      February 11, 2016 at 6:45 pm

      I have been reading all these comments and reasons why women stay in toxic relationships – most using “for the sake of children” or “for the sake of religion” as their excuse. None of those reasons cut it. Abuse is abuse.
      Now from let me address this matter from that religious angle. The bible says “Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord” Ephesians 5: 22. We agree with that and that is the basis for most women’s submission in relationships. But the truth is the bible does not support irresponsibility either. Women just need to understand that they are responsible to get themselves and their children out of toxic environments when needed.
      Oh and by the way, husbands too have a responsibility and they are not fulfilling it. “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her…” if men were truly loving their wives the way the bible calls them too, all that wahala would not surface in the first place. So people need to leave religion out of the matter and face the truth behind the pitfalls in their relationships.

  24. The Question is

    February 11, 2016 at 2:35 pm

    The question is how many people are ready to make it work?

    Yes, there comes a point where the other partner has to say, no i cant take it anymore, but at what point?

    E.g 1. the bible says work out your salvation
    2. You have to work for 30 days before you are paid your salary
    3. If you dont work, you cant be paid.
    4. Even if you are a prostitute, you must do something to get money

    All the above means that nothing comes easy. Even to win a jackpot, you must have dropped some money.

    Nothing comes with ease. Many partners are not willing to make any sacrifice these days. Believe you me, what causes divorce these days are so flimsy and are no where near what used to spur divorce in the olden days.

    You see partners disagree and quarrel on things like “sms on one person’s phone”, “food money dropped not enough”, “your family members disturbing my peace…..”

    When you know there is an alternative guy/girl outside, you can easily break up with one to get the other; but when that is the only one you have, you tend to make things work more.

    What commitment do you put in as a partner to make your relationship work? There are bfs/gfs that would refrain from calling the other partner cos he hasnt called yet. There are partners that would say bcos she is keeping malice, let us bot continue that same way.

    Most of the issues can be prevented. For example, bible says a gentle answer turns away wrath. Meaning if hubby/wifey is mad at a point, you as a partner can get his/her madness to die down and then later communicate your own side to him (That is the commitment to make it work i am talking about). But in this age, it is fire for fire!. You shout, i shout

    The youths of these age no longer put in any commitment to make their marriage/relationship work. Since a girl is out there or another man will marry me, they divorce and gp for the next cos there is an option

    This is the advantage of what our parents were trying to say!

  25. The Question is

    February 11, 2016 at 2:49 pm

    Also, Young ladies need to understand that marriage is a union of two people with
    different backgrounds
    differet upbringings
    different exposures
    different schooling/educational system
    different religious/denominational doctrines
    different inlaws

    The coming together of these two people will definitely have some clash. Even the bible says in the world you shall be afflicted, but be of good cheers cos i have conquered. It does not mean you wont be tempted or have issues, but you can overcome them.

    Ladies, marriage is not a dreamland or fantasy, like you have always termed it to be. What you conceive in your mind that your marriage would be is only a wish, the reality is what you encounter when you get there in.

    Even Jesus, in His Lordship, wasn’t he tested, tempted and faced with storms, trials and tribulations? but He overcame them.

    I do not support any form of battery and worse form of marital problems.
    But to think it is a bed of roses, that is a lie.
    To think you wouldn’t sacrfice to make it work, it is a lie
    To think you wouldnt give up some of your ego and personal wishes for peace sake, is a lie

    More commitment (by both parties) can prevent many of the causes of divorce.

    If your husband is insane now, be the sane one to douse the tension
    If your wife is the one with insanity, be the sane one to calm down the situation.

    Your being sane does not make you weak, it is actually a sign of maturity.

    I have said plenty
    Goodluck in your relationships/marriage

    • Bukie

      February 11, 2016 at 5:22 pm

      I love this! Makes soo much sense…would like to converse with, can we meet?

    • Me

      February 11, 2016 at 6:27 pm

      Na from clap, dance dey take enter.

      As much as i don’t believe that one should be judged by their past, it makes sense to take their past into consideration. And history has shown you he’s an abuser.

  26. Tosin

    February 11, 2016 at 2:54 pm

    I almost take divorce as a given. the default option. God forgive me 🙂 Too much exposure to Californication and no-fault divorces of convenience between millionaires abi billionaires.
    It is an option please.
    People are dying, my pretty aunt (my agemate) is gone now, died before her grandmother, because of sticking-with life that they shouldn’t stick with.

  27. Person

    February 11, 2016 at 3:28 pm

    Divorce has always been an option for me. My Mum has been married 31 years. The sadness in her voice every time I speak to her is overwhelming. The emotional abuse that I witnessed over the past 10 years is just unbelievable. I have told her to leave. Heck, I’ll represent her in court myself. But she says she stayed for us because taking care of us all by herself would have been really difficult. I appreciate her sacrifices, but I do not admire her choices. I will not end up like her. I tell people I date, 1 shred of emotional abuse like this, it is hasta la vista, it’s been nice knowing ya. Not to talk of physical abuse. When it is not as if the person is mad. What can fa gbogbo radarada yen? My takeaway from my parents marriage is that as a woman, you MUST only have kids that you can financially afford ALL BY YOURSELF. ALONE. At this point in my life, that means ONE child for me. No point in being sad and unhappy all your life just to be called Mrs. Tamedo.

    • Ifeyinwa Mic

      February 11, 2016 at 11:25 pm

      I really like your bit about having children. When my bf and I talk about a future together he always asks how many children would I like to have. He want’s a whole football team but would “settle” for 4. I only the other hand told him that I will only be having as many children as I can afford to raise alone, whether as a result of his death or of our divorce.

  28. Jagbajantis

    February 11, 2016 at 3:31 pm

    Nice article Atoke. My 2 kobo, in no particular order is this:

    – Divorce should always be a final option, as only one who is alive in spirit and in body can getand stay married. But before then there have always been other tools used to help solve marital problems before co-existence becomes untenable. Tools like mediation by parents-in-laws and marriage counsellors. Temporary separation so that the couple can work on their issues individually before deciding if they can live together or not. I was speaking to some village historians in my rural area, and they explained the culture and origin of dowry payment in Igboland. At least in my own part of Igboland. The original idea behind dowry payment and the ancillary rites was so that the elders and “adas” (senior communal matriarchs and dowagers) were involved in the marriage process from the get go. It was a token consideration paid , usually in the form of produce and drinlk (before naira became the norm in these modern times). Anyway, whenever the wife had a serious problem in her marital home, the elders from her village and the “adas” would go and intervene on her behalf. They would go to the village where she married to and consult the family of the husband until they try to get things resolved. This usually did the trick, though of course it didn’t work in every case. But intercession was a tool available to the couple. Things have changed now. The communal spirit from the extended family is no longer there. Most couples are better off hiding their marital squabbles from their inlaws for fear of reprisals or partiality.

    – Its all well and good for everyone here to preach about how divorce should be available to an abused wife/husband. But how many of you will allow your child marry a divorcee? Especially the females among you? If your son brought home a divorcee with two kids from another marriage, would you accept her? It is one thing to advocate for divorce, but society should also allow divorcees integrate properly into society and marital life without any stigmas or finger pointing. Many married couples, especially females are scared shitless of divorce, because they worry about the aftermath. Sometimes they are not allowed to have a normal social life, because their married friends keep them at arms length. Since they “are now available” and “on the market” they are a threat, and an attraction to any roving husband’s eye. How many women (or men) can stand on their own 2 feet economically after a divorce. Some do not have any income or profession, and were housewives or house-husbands. So that is also a worry sometimes.

    – Marriage is an institution is meant to be for life. However where there is physical and emotional abuse that can kill or maim, then all bets are off. Couples should know when to recognize this , and bail. If your partner uses you as perpetual punching bag, or revels in your failures, or is competitive to the point that he/she wants to extinguish you, then that’s a worry. If they are abusive towards the children, or if he/she is sexually perverted towards minors, then all bets are off too. Marriage is like catching a molue. You should know when to embark and alight, before one chance becomes your lot.

  29. Nk

    February 11, 2016 at 4:13 pm

    I need advise I have been with my boyfriend for over 2years, I learnt he use to beat up his ex the one before me, his excuse was that she was a crazy girl. Then 2years into the relationship he slapped me over a very petty issue he apologize and I forgave him, 2 weeks ago he insulted me over the phone over a minion issue, there was nothing he didn’t call me that day, he apologized and I forgave him. He said he has changed and would never repeat that. The issue now is am scared that when I get married to him he would do worse. He is a very sweet soul and I’m really confused my guts tell me to leave but my heart tells me he would never hurt me. Advise me. Thank you

    • Puzzles

      February 11, 2016 at 4:57 pm

      Two words: RUN AWAY!!!

    • UGO

      February 11, 2016 at 5:14 pm

      Your boyfriend is abusive. I’m speaking from experience. My Ex also blamed all his exes for being the reason he hit them or abused them psychologically. I believed him thinking I’m special and mine would be different. Big fat lie! The first time it was a slap, then insults, then moved on to the use of belts and fists. Funny thing is that I got broken and it took me a lot of strength and 4 years to leave his ass. It was even more tasking for me to get my self esteem back, even trust too. But I’m grateful I overcame and married my sweetheart later on.
      Ps: amidst all these abuse, he was a terrible flirt. So please leave now.

    • Chiclero

      February 11, 2016 at 5:31 pm

      @NK na so e dey take start oo, that guy would not only panel beat you wella after marriage he could possibly maim you.
      Madam, FLEEEEEEEEE!

    • Another angle

      February 11, 2016 at 5:35 pm

      I’m sorry if I sound a little harsh but it’s people like you who helped coin and popularise “divorce is an option”. Now that youre seeing the signs you won’t leave. Later you will get inside and start shouting domestic violence and divorce is an option to single women. He’s crossing the line on your boundaries you better leave now! “Break up is an option”. I support 100%, leave!

    • tish

      February 11, 2016 at 5:39 pm

      It seems to me that you re asking because you already know in your heart what to do, and you are fighting it. How advise from faceless strangers is going to help u, I don’t know. Do that thing that you know you should do, head over heart!

    • tobi

      February 11, 2016 at 5:51 pm

      NK, you really had to come up here to ask advice for something that is staring you in the face? Have you had an honest discussion about your fears with this bf of yours? Abi you want to wait until you are married then act surprised when he does it again? Is abuse something you are willing to compromise on? Use your tongue to count your teeth, while you still have them. Good luck to you!

    • technicallynigerian

      February 11, 2016 at 6:43 pm

      My dear! Forget ooo that is not a sweet soul. I have been reading all these comments and reasons why women stay in toxic relationships – most using “for the sake of children” or “for the sake of religion” as their excuse. None of those reasons cut it. Abuse is abuse.
      You need to set clear boundaries with your guy. “I’m sorry I wont do that again” wont cut it. You need to make it clear that you would not tolerate such behavior if it happens again and CLEARLY state the consequences and do as you say.

    • Sucre

      February 11, 2016 at 7:52 pm

      Nk, I feel like shaking you till you pass out and hopefully when you wake up you would realize how silly you sound. He had a history of violence and you think he would change with you? You have seen the writings one wall but you want someone else to read it for you. I won’t tell you to leave him, you know what you should do. Think about your future and ask yourself, is this what I really want? Whatever you decide, do it.

    • Tosin

      February 12, 2016 at 10:44 am

      I’m sorry but I think you should leave him. (Just silent treatment and get 10 other dates to occupy your mind, use a dating app if necessary.)

      If you are absolutely sure that you don’t want to leave him, then you need help, like your brother or father or boss or a very tough person you know to craft responses to his bad behaviour e.g. say he slapped you and you got him imprisoned because #notimefornonsense , he would either 1. keep away from you or 2. keep away from abusing you. But as things are now, you are a ripe and willing victim. You don’t have the answer to his misbehaviour.

  30. Nk

    February 11, 2016 at 4:14 pm

    Now I read all this stories and worry that if I don’t leave now it is going to happen to me

    • Goldyngurl

      February 11, 2016 at 5:49 pm

      It will. Leave.

    • PD Young Billionaire

      February 12, 2016 at 4:43 am

      Please leave.

  31. T

    February 11, 2016 at 4:53 pm

    You already know what to do. May you not end up saying “Had I known” if you chose to stay… my dear it is human beings that have a timetable for life. School, Graduation, Marriage, Children etc… God perfects all in his time not man. Do not be pressured and end up very unhappy

  32. Lois

    February 11, 2016 at 5:03 pm

    I hope he is in prison or on his way there. It will be disappointing for your family to allow the born again beast take away your sister and still walk the streets.Condolences

  33. Las

    February 11, 2016 at 5:07 pm

    Endurance is frequently a form of indecision. – Elizabeth Bibesco

  34. NaijaPikin

    February 11, 2016 at 5:23 pm

    Tell her to please borrow herself sense and walk away. I Just broke off an engagement. A few folks have looked at me with side eye (It can’t be that bad, marry 1st and then you will have all the power over him).

    Nah men. My happiness is #1 reason for living. Should never be compromised.The person might not be a bad person, but if they don’t bring you the happiness your heart desires, its best to be solo.

    I’m here waiting for someone to sweep me off my feet. And while i wait, I’m having loads of fun, travelling the world, working hard, looking beautiful. If noone ever comes along, its ok. At least i’ll still say i lived and had fun while living not that i married and was miserable.

  35. Luvnaija

    February 11, 2016 at 5:33 pm

    One of the major traits of abusers is that they are very sweet with words when they err just to keep you trapped emotionally! Check very well he picked that attribute from his dad and I can bet my brown teeth that he saw his dad abuse his mum!
    If he can’t treat you right at dating period , trust me marriage will be worse! Please dump him and move on as there are many fishes in the ocean.
    I dropped a loser who abused me emotionally, and God gave me the bestest hubby on earth even while I wasn’t searching at age 31 which was 5years ago and it’s been an amazing journey!
    Final word…run and don’t look back, don’t even explain just blank him as he will sweet talk you again!

  36. AA

    February 11, 2016 at 6:48 pm

    NK pls pls pls…..just leave him. Muster all the mental strength you can and just do it. Pray hard for God’s strength to help you. In your mind’s eye picture how precious you are and how you ought to be cherished not slapped around. Im sure you’re thinking you may never find another man that you believe loves you but my dear you will. There are good men out there Just trust God and wait for your own. The one God has planned for you will never lay hands. Please gather all your willpower and get out NOW!!!!

  37. Kokoro Dudu

    February 11, 2016 at 7:02 pm

    Atoke, you have issues. Don’t glorify failure as making a marriage work as a reason to walk away. So if you aren’t succeeding in business, fail it? If you are ill, commit suicide? What’s is actually wrong with you?

    • NaijaPikin

      February 11, 2016 at 7:46 pm

      Are you ok?

      If your business partner is a liar and cheat and is causing your business to fail, will you keep him/her?

      If a thing/person/process is causing you to be ill, will you continue with it until you die?

      Please borrow yourself some sense

    • Krasavitsa

      February 11, 2016 at 8:08 pm

      @ Kokoro dudu…….you really should consider asking yourself your last question – before other commenters do it for you.

    • Gorgeous

      February 11, 2016 at 8:59 pm

      Kokoro dudu is a nut case….

  38. jess

    February 11, 2016 at 8:26 pm

    Divorce is not an option for me. As a christian I went to the presence of God in the witness of all and sundry and vowed to stay married to that man for better for WORSE. I also remember the part of the bible that says that if you are married to a divorced person you are committing adultery with the person. HOWEVER marriage was instituted to bring forth life and not to take one. In the event that my life becomes at stake (being exposed to contracting STDS included) I will opt for a separation. What this means is that I will remove myself from that partner without dissolving the marriage. The only thing I will suffer is that I will not remarry as that will be adultery in the eyes of God and breaking my vows.

    This is the reason why I encourage women to work hard so that if you find yourself in such situations you can leave with your kids and take care of them. You will be happy,have peace of mind,raise your children in a conducive environment, live without fear anger or intimidation and still keep your vows to God.

    So like I said divorce is not an option for me, but I will separate myself from anything/anybody which seeks to endanger my life and indirectly those of my children. The truth is that i’m accountable for this life because it’s not mine,it was given by God. When you stay with someone that their behaviour will probably cost you that life you are actually offending God..

    • Bella

      February 12, 2016 at 12:20 pm

      Are you being serious right now? I respect your beliefs and I would like to think that all is okay on your end? Till then, and note I am not wishing you any harm but note that if things should change and you bear the brunt of all things not so rosy, you will separate and not divorce. Then what happens to the very life that God gave you? you start to live like a widow since you say having a relationship with a divorcee is adultery? you will be sad, lonely and bitter, and I quote Atoke” that is why where are so many angry people in Lagos” you want to add to that statistic. My dear, I pray your own never changes, but for those who find themselves in that change, abeg, biko, leave am! Enough respect for your beliefs tho!

  39. Kokoro Dudu

    February 11, 2016 at 8:28 pm

    @Krasavitsa Maybe you should ask yourself that question. What’s your own in this matter? Crying more than the bereaved?

  40. Mr P

    February 11, 2016 at 8:31 pm

    I wish someone would write about divorce being an option from the male point of view, i guess its not a popular topic because men tend not to speak up when they are dealing with a terrible woman/relationship. I guess because the signs are not usually in the form of physical abuse….

  41. Honeycrown

    February 11, 2016 at 8:39 pm

    @ Kokoro Dudu, the topic for discussion is “Divorce is an Option” NOT “Dumb Hypothesis” stay on track abeg!

  42. Honeycrown

    February 11, 2016 at 9:16 pm

    @NK, please marry him and if it the marriage doesn’t work out, you can get a divorce. Remember, “Divorce is an Option”!!! #NonsenseQuestion

  43. I_I

    February 11, 2016 at 9:17 pm

    The truth is that a lot of marriages are unhappy in Nigeria today. The unhappiness also disproportionately affects women than it does men. After a few years of observing married people in the different places I’ve worked, the signs have always been similar. A majority of married women do not talk about their husbands at work – its the few that have happy marriages that do. Those in particularly bad situations (I think) who cannot get a grip on themselves , tend to act either bitchy or somewhat ‘subdued, and their is that general emphasis on their lives being about their kids. Which is also a bit puzzling cos when they are straying into their late 20s and 30s without being married, they are unhappy, they get married and they are still unhappy (I don’t get it). I know young bubbly girls that get married, and after like 2 years of marriage act gloomly like they just realized their niggas ain’t shit.

    For all the noise that I read from commenters on this same website, a shocking majority of women would live through abuse both in their single days and their married days. They would always talk a good game about how any small infidelity or physical abuse they would move. Its all a lie. A lot of my female friends have gone through this and still are. The way I’ve seen some guys beat their babes, I wonder how they still sit through it, cos even as a (big) guy, I cant chop that kind of beating. So I asked my babe’s opinion ans she shrugged her shoulders and said “We always feel we can change you people”. Women are odd creatures I tell you.

    I recently started asked a few close ones if they have ever been sexually assaulted, and the responses were shocking – I just kept on going “Ha, you too?” Prior to this, I’ve been in a few situations where a babe was putting out all the signs – in a couple of cases even been the ones thirsting after me. and are always stunned the following morning cos I didn’t try to force them for sex (even when I tried my luck and they refused me). The sad part is they still wont give up the kpekus cos they now think oh he is a nice guy, let me use promise of kpekus to tie him down, while I’m still casually collecting from Fem Eruku (smh). Not to digress, my point is I used to think they were used to hanging out with rough guys until I realized a number of “tush” guys I hang with have been casual rapists.

    You people have a great deal of confusion going on with you. You would see fire and still enter; you would see nice boy, but still thirst for baddos. Where we men see things in black-or-white (i mean, if you physically threaten me, I’m moving), you women see things in an extra 50 shades of grey. I would sha be praying for you people.

    • Tosin

      February 12, 2016 at 10:52 am

      I would read your book.

  44. Daizzy

    February 11, 2016 at 9:26 pm

    In the same issue. Been a long distance relationship for 6 months and its been a long relationship from the start. 3 weeks ago we had an issue and I told him he was being arrogant. He cursed me out with words like “Go to hell” “shut the fuck off” and some other words I can’t remember. His talking marriage but I’m scared he might have abusive traits. His been apologizing and assuring me I have no reason to worry but my gut feeling tells me something is not right.

  45. Shannie

    February 11, 2016 at 9:32 pm

    Divorce is always an option. I’m not about to be anybody’s punching bag. I live in the US and as a woman, I know that I’m worth more than just being Mrs. So and So. I would like to get married, but if it never happens, then so be it. All I really want in life is to be happy.

    My mother divorced and is much happier now. Any woman that would stay in an unhappy, unhealthy marriage needs to reevaluate her life and get some damn sense.

  46. nunulicious

    February 12, 2016 at 12:52 am

    Obviously most comments here hinge marriage as an avenue for companionship/relationship.

    Interestingly, there are other types of societies where marriage is viewed as partnership or a business transaction or simply for procreation. In those societies, happiness/companionship isn’t a determining factor. What is usually important is that the individuals involved are basically good people who are good to their partners and do their half of the marriage institution. Fundamentally, they have no expectations and take marriage as it comes.

    So when people make general sweeping statements like a lot of marriages in Nigeria are not happy today, consider that MAJORITY of Nigerians view marriage from a different frame of reference. They have more pressing needs like formal education, financial independence and access to health care and being ‘happy’ in marriage is not a consideration for them. They are at best…content/satisfied in marriage.

    The fact that most of us are wired or indoctrinated to expect happiness or fulfilment in marriage doesn’t make us superior or better than others. It just makes us different.

    Finally, these cultures have ways of dealing with an erring spouse and would use public disgrace, separation and divorce as means to intervene where necessary.

    just thought to throw that in there, but what do I know, i’m just an ordinary citizen.

  47. demashi

    February 12, 2016 at 5:08 am

    Divorce is an option and I believe the bible gives room for it – 1 Cor 7. When a marriage gets to the point where both partners cannot live amicably, the natural step is to separate and am not referring to minor disagreements and every flimsy excuse or even a singular act of infidelity. I am referring to life threatening situations where your mental and physical wellbeing has been so battered and bruised, you can’t function normally again.

    Just became friend with a lady who’s going through a divorce, her kids are in same school as my kids and when she relayed the story of the things she went through at the hands of your husband, I agreed with her decision to leave. Her kids are so sweet and loving & and her continuation in the marriage would have an adverse effect on them. The kids obviously need love and support and am happy to be their pseudo-dad. Divorces need our love and support and not condemnation, cos ideally no-one desires a broken marriage.

  48. Sheges

    February 12, 2016 at 5:27 am

    @Daizzy – If you are seeing signs now, go with your gut feeling. Look beyond the apology, to err is human, Forgive him for what he said to you, but you are worth more. If you feel someone is arrogant and you ‘ve pointed it to him, and his reactions were such, you need no further clue. You don’t want to blame yourself, hopefully he will learn his lesson and be better with is next girlfriend. I am talking from a guy’s perspective, too many times, women see the signs ahead but they say to themselves, he would change with time. Pardon??? Change when??? you get what you see.

    • Daizzy

      February 12, 2016 at 6:53 am

      Thanks Sheges. This has given me courage to do what I’ve got to do.

  49. Sheges

    February 12, 2016 at 6:13 am

    My take is that, yes there times when people genuinely marry someone they love without seeing the signs and more often than not, a spouse becomes abusive etc. But the reality and issue I have with women is that, a lot of times they don’t really observe enough before heading down the line of marriage. You need to know someone very well, it is not enough to be charming and a sweet talker alone. Many times I have seen women who are incompatible with their fiance marry him because he can talk the good talk. Actions speak louder than words, don’t go into a relationship with your ears alone, open your eyes wide. As long as the guy can talk well, make me laugh, then I am happy – he is sweet, he is the best in the world, I couldn’t have wished for a better man – excuse me!!! are you out of your depths??? Marriage is more than sweet words, have your observed his behaviour when you were late, when you were ill, when you needed help, when you were emotionally down, when you family needed help? If the right steps were taken in the first place, a lot of broken homes wouldn’t have happened in the first place. Yes there would be some exception where the guy would have been ok, and changed over time because of one thing or the other. I would say this is bad luck, but with most marriage breakdowns, they ain’t as a result of bad luck but because of couples failing to choose the right partner in the first place. You need to know the kind of man/woman you want, not married a nice person and hope that because he/she claims to love you, he/she would change for you.

    When I was looking for a wife and I met this girl, she was sweet, pretty and met all my physical requirements. Having observed her behaviour, she gets angry easily. I was fortunate to arrange a trip with her, and I saw far too many things…… she was impatient, she wanted me to be going out every other day (to bars./club), I knew right away, she wasn’t meant for me, even though she was hot, all I could see was this angry lady making my life difficult. I thought I could changed her, but something told me, you cannot. You have waited all this while for to get a sweet lady, why settle for someone who will make your life hell on earth? I did the right thing, told her we were not compatible. She had a nice job, we would have been rich as a couple – at the expense of a happy home, is the price worth it? I don’t think so

    Now ladies, you need to spot the signs, don’t marry because you are over 30 and need to settle down quickly, wait till you find the right person. A lot of people will say time is not on your side, but does that mean you should marry your father’s friend son? Someone you don’t even know much about, No, Don’t do it. These are the root cause of marriage breakdown, you need to find someone compatible that you love.

    • yomi

      February 12, 2016 at 9:59 am

      @ Sheges..Now you are taking it to a different level. U dont really know who you are compartible with unless u live with them. Forget all those dates u go to, it can easily be hidden.. Thats another story for another day

    • Tosin

      February 12, 2016 at 10:58 am

      mmmm, but sweet words tho. add good food. kai, formula.

  50. Nutellalover

    February 12, 2016 at 3:20 pm

    Hi. Why do you think the bible does not encourage divorce? Me thinks it’s because of te resentment(s) that usually follow(s) step-mom, kids,, “you took”, “you did”, bla bla and not divorce in itself. We should started asking more of why and less of what sef.

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