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Busola Idowu: Is Being with a New Boo the Time to Divulge All Your ‘EX-Files’?



dreamstime_l_7384611My friend, Isanah got caught up in a bit of a fix recently and is the unwilling participant in today’s article. She had gone window shopping to let off some wedding preparation steam at the new Jabi Lake shopping mall in Abuja recently, accompanied by her fiancé (their wedding was a couple of days away). As soon as they stepped into the first shop, her hubby accidentally bumped into a young man at the door who happened to be her last boyfriend, actually, fiancé (let us call him Wole). She was torn as to how exactly to introduce them mainly because she had not given her betrothed the download as to what went down with Wole or in fact any of her previous relationships. All she told him was that she dated dash (-) number of guys, it ended and now she is head over heels in love with him (Steve her fiancé). She hurriedly introduced Wole as an old friend, and manoeuvred Steve to some other store. It was all she could do not to fly out of the Mall; but to avoid suspicion, she had to play cool.

There were two reasons she’d acted dodgy. One, she and Wole had dated for over five years and were infact engaged before they broke up. Secondly, he had a very insensitive-to-circumstances mouth, which might have started running in an attempt to re-establish familiarity and definitely would have eventually cobalised her with Steve.

When she brought up the topic at her bachelorette party, we were caught up in two camps. Some thought she handled it great, while others were of the view that she would have avoided all the guilty tactics if only she had been open from the start as to the status of her previous relationships.

Bola, our other married friend championed this argument. She claimed she had divulged all necessary ex-files to her hubby before the wedding. Not precise details as to what exactly transpired in its entirety, but names, locations, brief summary of the relationship etc. The idea is that anywhere they eventually encounter those guys she could comfortably introduce him to her hubby as ‘that James I told you about’ or ‘the Ken from Maitama.

The issue is not that having a previous relationship is wrong because of course, you are a product of your past and even if such ended negatively, the era is done and dusted. Proponents of this school of thought believe that there is a need to properly divulge important information in one’s romantic history to your spouse (engaged or married).

Full disclosure also saves you from diabolic mutual frenemies who might want to disclose unsolicited information to le hubs of your past history. However this policy can only be effectively practiced when the ex files do not exceed a certain number of pages lines and you know you have an emotionally balanced spouse.

We left the party without reaching consensus except that to each her own. What is your guiding policy on disclosure and how detailed should it be? What side of the divide do you fall? What constitutes T.M.I in this case and how can you properly manage the situation where you opted out of full disclosure?

Photo Credit: Dreamstime


  1. PrimePersona

    February 18, 2016 at 2:43 pm

    Divulge in entirety at your own risk! That’s not why we are here oo! Theres no entirely wrong or right stance here but I quite agree that you should let your fiance know who your last bf was especially if you guys got to the ‘engagement block’, but a download is quite unnecessary. I am for disclosure but certainly not full disclosure. There are reasons somethings belong to the past.

  2. Nexie

    February 18, 2016 at 3:20 pm

    If the Man is emotionally stable; one can divulge “some”… Just headlines not details. I know someone who told her boyfriend (now, husband) everything and everyday, she’s constantly being terrorized by her past! So… Personally, I wouldn’t!

  3. Alexander Mccathy

    February 18, 2016 at 3:26 pm

    No no no…… You need time to build trust then all other things follow

  4. Tols

    February 18, 2016 at 3:38 pm

    Spot on @ ‘this policy can only be effectively practiced when the ex files do not exceed a certain number of pages lines and you know you have an emotionally balanced spouse.’
    I’m for disclosure too but not full disclosure some spouses just cant handle the truth.

  5. nwanyi na aga aga

    February 18, 2016 at 3:44 pm

    See for me 1st name and no of years we were together is enough.. No details, nothing. That I usually do very early in the relationship when I have nothing to lose yet. In-case the new boo graduates to engagement, I don’t have to start opening unnecessary cupboards when I am fully invested. Now if I see an ex, with smiling face I will introduce.. meet Amara.. that my ex I told you about..Boo will remember I said plenty things about ex but fortunately no details.Loool! Works for me all the time…Just headlines leave body of the letter for when you are advising your daughters, But if there are important details like a child, prior engagement, or imego for Igbo ppl. I think the man should know this. And most importantly at the beginning of the relationship. So that you can sever ties without bleeding your heart dry.

    • tatafo!

      February 18, 2016 at 6:03 pm

      Nne chop knuckle i bu no nwanyi na aga aga!

  6. Tutu

    February 18, 2016 at 3:46 pm

    I told my current fiance everything. Like insanely graphic details. Body count, what extent I went with each ex in the bedroom etc. He wanted to hear it from me and not from some jabber mouth friend in future. So far, he’s handling it well. I’m glad I told him.

    • Hotspice_yimu

      February 18, 2016 at 4:11 pm

      read this and i started laughing real hard. Behold, time shall come when he will “insanely” use it to get a point across.

  7. Kokoro Dudu

    February 18, 2016 at 3:53 pm

    This calls for wisdom. What if you keep quiet and then an ex happens to be your boo’s best friend or boss? It can be very irritating and may be like you have something shady hidden. But then watch your mouth before you run it.

  8. Hotspice_yimu

    February 18, 2016 at 4:21 pm

    1. Do you have child(ren) from past relationships?
    2. is there an STI or STD that is still resident in your body or that has affected your fertility?
    3. Did you date mami or papi water in human form (omo this one neccessary o)
    4. do you have an ex that you broke his/her heart and still havent forgiven you?
    5. have you ever been engaged/ done introduction/ married?
    If yes to one or more or even to All (some people are really impossible) then you have to disclose. if No, please STFU and concentrate on the now and future.

    • Dsquare

      February 18, 2016 at 5:00 pm

      Knowing your medical, family, spiritual history and if they’ve been married b4 should be common sense questions and should be asked, but not how many exes and how did you guys do it ..that’s nonsense …that’s why when you are in courtship, you should visit the clinic together, go for counselling sessions, check your mental status as well ….that’s whats really important not unecessary agboros you’ve dated in the past etc..

    • Kaybee

      February 19, 2016 at 12:39 am

      How will we know thw mami and papi wata??
      True talk sha.

  9. DD

    February 18, 2016 at 4:54 pm

    Bible says “So then, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; what is old has passed away–look, what is new has come! ”
    Omo, i’m so in Christ and Mr present should also be in Christ oh and shouldn’t be bothered about my old, & no more former ways, so he shouldnt even bother addressing it .. because * points *message above… . The Exes are now non “ex”istance… They are haf become or more or less strangers lo mo… Highest i’ll say to the Fiance or the new man on board, if we happen to bump into one or two of the now ” NON EXISTANCES! lol… : “Oh! just someone i use to know in the past, no one important” shikenam and no time 2 even allow start talking plenty or making small talk with the other.. mehn we are moving forward, ahead and towards a bright future, why look back .. OK let me ask a question, Do you drive a vehicle looking back ?.
    When GOD can wipe away my sins, when i ask for forgiveness.. and opens a new chapter.. Biko ya’ll need to stop giving your selves headache…. i use to be bad or i had this but now nothing .. no need going into details.. trying to add salt where it’s not necessary.

  10. Monet

    February 18, 2016 at 7:54 pm

    There is a reason why its called the past. Leave it there. Women just like flapping their lips. I dunno if its boredom or what. Does he tell u of all his one night stands, girls hes gotten pregnant or u think he was sent down from heaven just for your having pleasure. Revealing ur past will NOT make him closer to u. Mba! It will only provide him ammunition for the day u will provoke him, which as sure as the sky is blue, will come. Its like some women have sworn to embrace sadness. I wish u well in ur foolishness.

  11. Princess

    February 18, 2016 at 9:00 pm

    Funny how an article is being written about what I’m dealing with right now. I’m all for leaving the past in the past and went ahead with that in my current relationship. Boyfriend happened to find out details of an ex from outside and confronted me about it. Had no choice but to give simple details of the relationship, but yet he still wanted to know every single graphic detail. I went ahead to tell him and he uses it against me when we argue. honestly wish I didn’t give off as much information cause he obviously can’t handle it. So yes, if you were never married or engaged, no need to share details and just keep it moving.

  12. anonymous

    February 19, 2016 at 12:07 pm

    As a man I say to women always disclose your past, as early as possible especially that which you know Your man has done things he’s not proud of, we all have. You want someone who wants to be with you in spite of your flaws and mistakes rather than packaging. Believe me If your man cannot handle your past then he is not the man for you and if you are building a relationship with someone based on packaging then dont be surprised when the relationship packs up. one day. it’s not what youve done i the past that matters but that youve learnt from your errors but also more importantly and I cant over stress this is that your man can trust you. You cannot trust someone who lies or keeps important things from you. If you are with the right man, disclosing all actually creates a bond in the eyes of the man because you are saying to the man I trust you enough to open myself and my past to you.

    It’s not disclosure of the past that’s the problem, what is important is that you are no longer do those things you are ashaned to disclose…

    having said that, I want to advise women to watch their ways, dont put yourselves in a position where your choices are limited. Nave as many boyfriends as you want (obviously not at once) but never be a side chick or a mistress remember one day you will be someone’s wife, and a mother. A woman can have many exes so long as they are in the context of a proper relationship but stay away from married men it will come back to haunt you, you will struggle to find a good Nigerian man who will marry a woman who has made a habit of being a side chick. especially a mistress to a married man. Nothing hurts a woman’s chances of finding a good man that being a mistress to a married man.. if it’s happenned once, let it not happen twice.

    • The Bypasser

      February 21, 2016 at 5:30 am

      God bless you for that analysis. It is absolutely spot on. If you have cause to regret relaying your past relationships to your current significant other, you have entered one chance. You’re in the wrong relationship. What are you doing with an immature person, please?

  13. ariyike

    March 20, 2016 at 8:14 am

    Sharp babe

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