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Nkem Ndem: Your Boyfriend Is NOT Your Husband

Nkem Ndem

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Nkem NdemI am a huge Game of Thrones (GoT) fan, and after seeing “An hour of Ice and Fire” – last week’s episode where Khaleesi dealt with the sex-crazed and potty-mouthed khans by setting the Dothraki hut ablaze, I was filled with so much excitement that I decided to call a friend, Tiwa** to share my speculations for the next episode. As Tiwa picked up the phone and we started talking, I noticed that her responses were curt and her tone flat. I had to end all the GoT talk and ask her what was wrong. She surprisingly broke into tears and started to narrate the story of how her boyfriend had embarrassed her earlier in the day, in front of their friend.

According to Tiwa, she had gone to over to his place early in the morning to drop off the packs of food she had made for him to put in his freezer. Although she had called him before setting out and still called his phone when she got to his apartment, he had left her standing at the entrance knocking for almost 10 minutes before opening the door. It wasn’t all. After she put the bowls of food in the freezer, she headed to his room to give him a kiss before leaving as any loving girlfriend would do. On getting to his room, however, one of his friends (also a friend of hers) who had spent the weekend with him and was in the room with him, mentioned to the boyfriend that he needed to give Tiwa a key to the apartment. Before she could say a word in protest, her boyfriend of 3 solid years had already replied : “For what now? When she is not my wife?”

Of course, I couldn’t do much but just listen and sympathize with her. She had not asked for my advice and actually, I could see that she was finally at the place where she could see that her boyfriend was not in love with her. He was only stringing her along until the marriage benefits she was giving him runs out… or until he finds the benefits elsewhere.

Tiwa met him at the point in her life when she was going through the “i-want-to-get-married” phase and was a little desperate.  In the bid to show him that she wife material and secure him for marriage, she started to give him the benefits of marriage: round-the-clock sex, home-cooked meals, cleaning his house, etc. Of course, we (Tiwa and I) had had fights over it all; I constantly told her that playing wife was not only inappropriate, it would take away the incentive for him to take the next step and marry her, but she wouldn’t listen.

Think about it, why marry the woman when you can get the wife for free?

In my opinion, there is a very big difference between a boyfriend and a husband – many of which circle around devotion, commitment, and understanding. The two are not interchangeable at all. If they were the same, what would be there to look forward to in marriage?

Do not get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with loving your boyfriend and giving him a measure of devoutness. Actually, the caring-for-him part is what makes the relationship fun for the woman as caregiving comes naturally to her. The problem comes when you give him all the benefits of having a wife with none of the commitment.

In fact, the root of some many problems in dating stem from the fact that most girls go above and beyond the call of duty of a girlfriend. Doing for your boyfriends, what a wife does for her husband, is not okay. If a man wants all of you and wants you to do more than a girlfriend does for her boyfriend, then he needs to put a ring on it. Until there is a ring on your finger, you should never treat him as though he is your husband.

Treating a man as though he is already a husband, with the intent of getting him to marry you, often backfires. Usually, he instead takes you for granted or walks all over you. Like…even if you go to his mother and learn how to make their village meals or you decide to not just indulge all his sexual desires but also hang your ovaries on his wall so he will know you can do anything for him, you will be disappointed to learn how easily and quickly he can leave the relationship without batting an eye. Slow down, leave a little mystery, close your legs and set physical boundaries, have your own life, go after your dreams! Do not behave as though you cannot exist without a man. Let the courtship happen naturally, and you will be alright.

Biko, I am not setting rules for anyone on how involved they can be at each stage of their relationship….you may need to use your intuition on that one. Key thing to remember though: Do not force a more committed element in your relationship by playing wife. If he does not want to play husband, you definitely should not play wife. And if I might add…no double standards either. Lower your expectations.

Do not expect him to take up husband duties before marriage; taking care of you physically, emotionally and most of all, financially, just as though he were your husband. You have your father, brother and uncles for those. The expectation of wanting a man to prove himself worthy of becoming a husband will even keep you from getting to know him for who he really is, as you only get to see what he can do for you, without enjoying his essence. Again, if he starts to feel like you depend on him for everything, he may start to take you for granted as well.

It works both ways really…or what do you think? Have you ever fallen into the temptation of playing wife in order to get the ring? How did it turn out? Please, let’s talk about it all in the comment section.

Nkem Ndem is a dynamic freelance writer and editor who can be reached for copywriting, editing and proofreading. She is also a content creator (web, T.V, radio) who has had stints with Jumia and SpiceTV Africa e.t.c. Now she works at Glam Africa as Online editor and BellaNaija as Features writer. E-mail: [email protected]; IG: @kem_dem; Twitter: @ndemv

155 Comments

  1. Bodunade

    May 20, 2016 at 5:33 pm

    This is truth. I have a friend that’s been dating her boyfriend for 8 years now, washes his clothes, opens her legs 24-7, cooks. You can imagine how he treats her, booty call+ help. I’m not God but chances are he won’t even consider getting married to her. I have known him for 17years now and we have the guy talk from time to time. So I know.
    Not that I will allow but if a girl is so quick to wash my clothes, cook and act like my mother or my wife, best believe her ass is hitting the curb.
    Side note : I like to eat more than a slice of my bushmeat.. Lol

    • Yeyeperry

      May 20, 2016 at 6:19 pm

      Oya nau… You will find exactly what you ate looking for.

    • Bodunade

      May 20, 2016 at 7:11 pm

      @yeyeperry, *lipsealed* *wink*

    • Anonymous

      May 21, 2016 at 12:43 pm

      your friend would have married the girl if he loved her. Nobody agrees to marry a woman because she cooks or doesn’t cook. Not cooking for a man or cooking for a man for him to marry you are equally desperate, one just requires more action. If a man cooks for his girlfriend or takes her out (or doesn’t cook) is that why his girlfriend will marry him? Nkem there are many important qualities and values that make people fall in love with each other, making it about cooking and cleaning or not cooking and cleaning is a bit inane and not as clearly thought out as intelligently as you ought to have done it. In our parents day, women cooked and cleaned for their boyfriends, but in the end the men still chose ONE woman that they loved and married her. Did you consider that? Your whole article was condescending without offering real and practical advice for both men and women on how to be better partners. Cooking for your boyfriend doesn’t make you desperate, not cooking for your boyfriend doesn’t make you less desperate if you really are desperate, and the man will be able to sniff out that desperation anyway.

    • Larz

      May 21, 2016 at 9:46 pm

      I tend to disagree. There is catering for your man and there is desperately trying to make your man see you as a wife.

      This girl spent time to cook for this guy and carried it to his house and his freeZer! Even paid caterers will ask you to come and pick up your food. The most our parents will do is cook whilst they are hanging out with the guy in the house. From the sound of things, this is not a one-off but a regular undertaking. I wont be surprised if this girl doesnt even do this for her family at home.

    • ATL's finest

      May 22, 2016 at 3:03 am

      @ Bodunade it’s sad & most people like your friend end up not marrying the girl. But too bad cuz if he let her go, she’s gonna have the last laugh & life is going to whoop your friend stupid ( yes, I’m talking for experience). I’ve seen this happen before. On the flip side & in my Steve Harvey’s voice ” Never play the role of a wife when U’re NOT his wife”. U be the judge the that sentence of mine. After eight years doing all that & hanging in there, hmm the thunder that will fire your friend is still doing push ups.

  2. Funshe

    May 20, 2016 at 5:47 pm

    E ma se o o

    I felt like I wrote this. My exact words for my single friends.

    Cook sha have we finished going on dates?

    Where is the love buttons this is gbamest!

  3. bruno

    May 20, 2016 at 5:47 pm

    silly girl. so u are part of the people downloading game of thrones ILLEGALLY. u couldn’t even put spoiler alert.
    u this girl, I dont like u.

    why do I have a feeling that this incident happened to u and not ur imaginary friend called tiwa.
    most of all this writers, if u notice all their tragic stories usually happen to their friends, never them.

    I know a friend that so and so thing happened to her

    I know a friend,this and that happened to her

    oh pls cut the crap. most of ur articles are about ur sorry pathetic lives. u dont fool me

    • Mr. Egghead

      May 20, 2016 at 7:39 pm

      I will report her to HBO .

    • ATL's finest

      May 22, 2016 at 3:07 am

      Lmao!!! Mr . Egghead & Bruno y’all will be very fine. @ Bruno she’s got the right to remain private & say it’s her friend. @ Mr. Egghead don’t worry HBO will be fine too cuz these days, no one really want to pay for Netflix, HBO, HULU etc when u can watch it for free *kinda sorta* 🙂

    • Mishy

      May 20, 2016 at 8:42 pm

      Did she force you to use your data to read her article ehn, silly boy? If you don’t like her articles, them stop using your money to read ’em

  4. nwa nna

    May 20, 2016 at 6:09 pm

    Nothing wrong with doing or going all out for your mate whether or not you’re married as long as it’s for the right reasons & right person plus within reason.
    I, personally will flag an woman that says I’ll only do this or that if we get married!
    Got news for you, what he or she won’t do while dating you,, chances are they won’t do even after you are married! Just my opinion & personal experience, no need for games and all.

    • Cindy

      May 20, 2016 at 6:27 pm

      So a woman is only good for cooking and washing in marriage abi? And that’s why you must know she can do them before marriage shey? Issorai. Why should women try to bring more to the table in relationships then, since we can just clean and cook our way through to the altar?

    • E ma binu

      May 20, 2016 at 6:50 pm

      Madam Cindy nor be fight, haba, I dey sense plenty vexation from your comment lol. Sorry to be hash on you however try and make a point in a more relaxed and gender neutral way.

    • red pill male

      May 22, 2016 at 11:01 pm

      Actually, yes. If she can’t cook and clean then she is of little use.

    • E ma binu

      May 20, 2016 at 7:01 pm

      “Got news for you, what he or she won’t do while dating you,, chances are they won’t do even after you are married!” I like the use of chances are, meaning that is based on probability and not certain, it is also possible for people to stop trying after they have gotten what they want. So it can go both ways.

      For peace of mind just try and do things the right way as there is time for everything.

    • nikky

      May 23, 2016 at 11:22 am

      its a lie o. I cook well but i aint cooking your meals until i see a degree of commitment! Wash you clothes? You lie! washing machine aint expensive, If you dont have, come and wash your clothes in my house! Who has time to hand wash clothes??

      Sex? Mba! Till marriage! Will i make out with you? that, i can do. Give you advice, talk with you, be there for you? Absolutely!
      But i aint your housegirl. If i happen to cook, you better roll up them sleeves and wash the plates. Ahn ahn. Why do men feel entitled these days? Its because of silly women like your friend Nkem. And you know what, that guy did no wrong! He didnt ask her to cook and bring it all the way to his house! She did that all on her own. So there aint nothing like Karma here. I am sorry but its the sad truth! She isnt his wife, why is she acting like one. If he doesnt give you a ring and pay your bride price, why are you cooking for him? Its different if he comes around and you cooked, you serve him a plate of food. If you are at his place and you are both hungry, i can cook sparingly or we go out to eat. You are gonna know i cook tasty meals and will get to eat it once in a while BUT you get to enjoy it on a daily when im your wife. .
      Women that wil quick and park clothes and be living with man, and no single degree of commitment, i bow for una. Why will he buy the cow when he gets the milk for free? Only a few end up marrying such women and its cos they feel guilty that they have been chopping for free. Who wants a marriage proposal out of guilt? Tufiakwa!

      Dudes come and bash me, Ladies bash me but you all know is the truth.

      1
  5. Kelechi

    May 20, 2016 at 6:10 pm

    SPOT ON! I wish I had read this earlier so I would have learnt my lessons. Interesting read…Thanks Nkem.

  6. ose

    May 20, 2016 at 6:26 pm

    Know what works for you!

  7. Dr. N

    May 20, 2016 at 6:29 pm

    Hang your ovaries on his wall??? That’s a new one

    • Programmer

      January 31, 2017 at 12:04 pm

      as in eh! But its a good read and a lesson for young girls out there.

  8. sally

    May 20, 2016 at 6:35 pm

    My married lover gave me the key to his Victoria Island apartment. His wife lives abroad.

    He gave me the key after 3 months. And no sex. I go to his apartment to chill out when he’s abroad.

    I’m married too. Don’t judge. There’s a way to handle these men. Get whatever you want BEFORE sex. Negotiate the relationship.

    • DN

      May 20, 2016 at 7:26 pm

      Aunty Sally, nawa for you o!!! I don’t whether to doff my hat to you or pray for you. Maybe I’ll do both.

    • DN

      May 20, 2016 at 7:28 pm

      Please forgive my ignorance. I have a genuine question for you. I really don’t know the answer, so please tell me. If you’re not having sex with him, how is he your lover?

    • Mishy

      May 20, 2016 at 8:46 pm

      She said ‘after 3 months and no sex, it simply means, she didn’t oblige him for 3 months ONLY after the expiration of her Window period, they fired on sporadically

    • kk

      May 20, 2016 at 8:21 pm

      Gbammest! You can even get everything from them without sex…. Ladies learn!

    • Mishy

      May 20, 2016 at 8:44 pm

      Married woman with married lover ehn, I already a judge on this

    • PD Young Billionaire

      May 20, 2016 at 10:20 pm

      Madam Sally……you are married and you still have another lover….Una welldone o….

    • The real dee

      May 21, 2016 at 12:22 am

      Sorry Sally but I WILL JUDGE YOU. What did i just read? You are married and your lover is married. What kind of embarassment of a woman are you? You are not having sex with him (which makes me wonder what you are doing with him) but you are stealing emotions meant to be for another woman. You are plain evil and wicked. Are you not satisfied with your own husband? You have a husband and a lover, of what, use please Madam? You go to chill in his house, you don’t have your own house to chill? Why woman? Why? Why are we our own worst enemies?

      You know why this upsets me so much, a married family member of mine had a married woman lover, this married woman caused so much pain to his wife and home that it took God’s intervention to boot her out of their marriage.
      The married lover’s husband died (quite mysteriously because at the same time, my family member’s wife was seriously ill & hospitalised in the same hospital) and this woman had no remorse, I guess she was hoping she would now officially become my family member’s wife but God destroyed her plans. When all this was going on, I could never understand why this married woman couldn’t keep her behind in her own home.

      So please Sally, i’m sorry for judging you o! But reconsider and leave that married man alone. Be satisfied with your husband and mind your own home.

    • nwakaego

      May 21, 2016 at 10:37 am

      I love you sally boo?????lmao

  9. Adaure Njoku

    May 20, 2016 at 6:39 pm

    Word Nkem. We ladies really need to know when and where to draw the line. Nice

  10. Ginger

    May 20, 2016 at 6:41 pm

    ‘Slow down, leave a little mystery, close your legs and set physical boundaries, have your own life, go after your dreams’ I actually disagree. A man who loves you, loves you. A man who wants to marry you, will marry you, even if you have sex 24/7 or you’re a virgin. Virginity is to honour God’s commandments, NOT to ‘hook’ a man. Whether you’re a nympho or a virgin. Whether you cook or not. Couples co-habit and get married, others do it and he leaves after 6 years. A woman is not this flat character that is either Martha Stewart or a megalomaniac CEO. Cook if you want, just do it BECAUSE you WANT to do it, not because it’s what a woman ‘should’ do.

    What you wrote is actually a new way of ‘how to trap a man’. Because you imply that when you DON’t cook for him or help around he’ll be more likely to marry you. If you love cooking for your boyfriend, cook. If you don’t, do NOT do what stresses you out. In the end, he will marry you IF he wants to *ps many men often know who they want to marry by the first few weeks or months, so filling up his fridge neither increases nor decreases your chances. If you keep auditioning, at what point do you stop and observe his flaws and if this is someone you want to live with forever. Women should learn to live for themselves, your life is not an audition for marriage.

    • Hadee

      May 20, 2016 at 7:21 pm

      Completely agree ??

    • Chika**

      May 20, 2016 at 7:31 pm

      What she said!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    • TBH

      May 20, 2016 at 7:53 pm

      Ginger write an article so these people will learn.

    • Tunmi

      May 20, 2016 at 8:43 pm

      “Cook if you want, just do it BECAUSE you WANT to do it, not because it’s what a woman ‘should’ do.” ????????????????????????? you, Ginger, are the real MVP

    • Di

      May 21, 2016 at 3:22 am

      I totally disagree. Yes, she shouldnt have put it as a trapping thing but she was completely right. Women loose their respect when they do all that happy slaving. Lets be real, majority of women that do this do it to be like more by the man, which equates to keeping me…hopefully marrying me. If our culture didnt deem these traits as wifely, most of these chics wouldnt be doing it. You all can lie to yourselves here on BN but deep down most of y’all doing this do it with hopes of holding ya man down. Women, seek to be respected not liked! Men are not dump, they smell that desperation, who goes around doing all that shit without a purpose? Leave your home and go to another person’s home to wash their undies, cook and have sex for absolutely no reason??? Who is fooling who?

    • Ginger

      May 21, 2016 at 11:13 am

      Hey dear, I think you are missing the point in so many of your comments (almost intentionally). Because I specifically mentioned that women shouldn’t be living their lives while dating so a man can marry them. Nobody is seeing that a woman should become his chef or nanny, but we’re disagreeing with Nkem’s premise that not cooking or cleaning will get you a ring. I’m one of the feminists on this blog that gets bashed all the time for being one, why then would I be implying that a woman should cook and clean? I’m not single and when we first met I didn’t even know how to cook then (except eggs count), but he still proposed before we went out on our first date and before I’d been to his house ie I never did laundry, opened his fridge, went near his stove, and when he was at mine (in Nigeria), my cook did the cooking or we order in or rotate cooking when we’re not in Nigeria.
      I’m not a ‘lonely single woman’ so I believe that my comments on relationships are out of experience, and not because I’m being unrealistic/idealistic. This article was stating that a man will marry you if he hasn’t ‘seen’ everything, I retorted that a woman should do whatever she wants (hopefully not being his cook or mother), because a man will marry you IF he wants to, not if she’s ‘mysterious’ or because he hasn’t tasted her soup.

    • Hian

      May 21, 2016 at 2:41 pm

      @ginger, I don’t think what you stated as Nkem’s premise is her premise at all….go back and read intelligently before you disagree.

    • Netizen

      May 21, 2016 at 3:58 pm

      There are some of us who do these things for love please and not to be kept. Don’t rub your insecurities on the rest of us. I have never cooked for my boyfriend. I made him pancakes only once. he has cooked for me more than once. Not any type of cooking o, the type that he’ll come and still deliver it. Now I plan to cook for him one day. Why? Because a good turn deserves another. Being kept has not even crossed my mind in this issue because it’ll be counter productive. From day one in our relationship, I’ve made it clear that cooking is not my thing i.e, i don’t like to cook. I only cook out of necessity because humanbeing must survive. Now why would i go and cook for a man that i keep stressing to not to expect me to be an everyday cook just to be kept? Him sef go confuse na. If i cook for him tomorrow, trust me he knows I’m not doing that to show him I’m a wife material but simply out of care. Which means I’m going out of my way and comfort zone to show him love. When thinking about doing a lot of things, being made wife doesn’t even cross my mind. In fact, based on most of my actions they are the opposite of wife material yet le boo is the one always screaming marriage upandan the valley and I’m the one always saying “oga, kamdan small na”. So I’m with ginger on this one, a man that loves you loves you regardless. So please stop generalizing and speak for yourself. Not everyone is shallow.

    • Hian

      May 21, 2016 at 10:05 pm

      @Netizen, you sound like you are trying to convince yourself of what you are saying about your self and your relationship. Are you sure you are the one really saying “kamdan”?

    • OmaOma

      May 22, 2016 at 2:26 pm

      So so so true!!!!…….

    • Cocoderoc

      May 22, 2016 at 3:05 pm

      Dear Ginger.

      Spot on!

    • Shuga

      May 23, 2016 at 12:28 pm

      Ginger my lover!! Nice one

    • Audrey

      May 23, 2016 at 4:16 pm

      PS: I love you very much. You are a wise person

  11. sally

    May 20, 2016 at 6:50 pm

    Oh, and if you want a real good chat about GOT, watch #AfterTheThrones on DSTV Catch up. Thank me later.

  12. Yeyeperry

    May 20, 2016 at 6:58 pm

    The thing with these type of situation is experience is usually the best teacher.

    Been there. And they warned me o

  13. Onetallgirl

    May 20, 2016 at 7:08 pm

    Why should we women give our all to these man when they dont give their all to us? Never!! You must take me shopping before I cook for you!! Lol

    • Haha

      May 20, 2016 at 8:10 pm

      Madam Onetallgirls you have taken this discussion to another level.

  14. vida

    May 20, 2016 at 7:23 pm

    Nkem I agree with you girl, these days some ladies over do it.
    Imagine my bf asking me why I cant treat him like his friends gf, simply because I come just on some weekends, I cook once in a while , and of course I clean the house only when am around.

    This his friends gf on the other hand, always cooks at his orders and stocks the house for the bf and his friends, cleans and washes his clothes every week , 247 sex, and is always available.
    Well, she gat no work so she is idle first of all, and again I feel she has low self esteem because she has once admitted to me that its by going the extra mile that makes her believe she has a firm grip on him for future plans.
    I have dated a guy that leaves his place messed up whenever am coming but during the beginning stage, the house was always very tidy, Biko what happened along the line? Did someone suddenly loose his hands.

    Well last week they came to my office to pick me for Friday groove and lo and behold, the bobo was with a new chick and was so over her, I then turn to my boyfriend and ask where is “”our wife “”with style, and he says that she is at home cooking……………lol

    Am not among those that believe relationships should follow a pattern,
    what works for you may not work for me but whatever we ladies do in our affairs should be done at moderation….
    Side note: Playing 2000 yards wife material and all doesn’t keep a man, a man that loves you will stay no matter what.

    • Anonymous

      May 20, 2016 at 7:53 pm

      so @vida rather than help the girl out of her situation you did what? You’re comfortable hanging around your bf’s friend’s side chic. As the bf took you out today with his friend and his friend’s side chic, don’t think your bf won’t do it tomorrow. If your boyfriend respects you, he wouldn’t be doing that. You’re typing this so proudly, making jest of someone who confided in you that she has low self-esteem. Women are truly their own enemies

    • nene

      May 20, 2016 at 11:22 pm

      what dyou want her to do? life goes on the girl was never her friend, she just met her while dating her boyfriend.

    • misskay

      May 21, 2016 at 12:30 pm

      nawa o i’m amazed no one sees the irony in this !! the wives are home cooking and the side pieces go out to play lol, and shez busy insulting the other girl. if your bf feels comfy introducing you to his friend’s side chicks he is indirectly sending you a message hun. Typical case of log in our eye trying to clear another’s speck…..

    • similar birds tend to flock together!!

      May 20, 2016 at 8:03 pm

      Hmm your bobo’s friends sha…

  15. Opeyemi

    May 20, 2016 at 7:36 pm

    Why are we always using this picture? Please, this girl has suffered enough, can we use another picture instead please ? 🙂

    • Mely

      May 21, 2016 at 6:11 am

      Miss opeyemi that picture is of the writer. Bellanaija uses it whenever she writes a feature for the blog.

    • Shadow

      May 25, 2016 at 2:14 pm

      I’m not sure but I think that picture is the writer’s picture. That’s the only way she would be using it week in week out

  16. ropo

    May 20, 2016 at 7:40 pm

    great article! only issue with this is that in the free dating markets, there’s always going to be another lady who looks just as good as you (or even better) that is willing to give wifey benefits while being a gf. So, I guess my point is that the guy will find those wifey benefits from another gf. And vice versa for the bf situation too [before the feminists here bite me :-)]

    • Di

      May 21, 2016 at 3:34 am

      And thats ok, he should go pick one of them. This trick of trying to convinence women of shortage of GOOD men and high supply of readily desperate women is old abeg. Do you but dont try to tell the women to lower their worth, if you no reach her level of expectation, persin wey reach your level dey out there, no need trying to disuade the woman.

    • lola

      May 21, 2016 at 12:31 pm

      what is your own with feminists? Aren’t they the ones here opposing the article? You people cannot read abeg gerrout

  17. tosin

    May 20, 2016 at 7:41 pm

    Well act the wife only if he acts the husband. But biko act your role with sense o. Enjoy being single and do yanga when you want, go on dates instead of cooking (u gonna b a cook 4 d rest of ur life) so pls enjoy eatting out, if he wants home cooked food Plsss tell him to cook it 4 u (if he loves u he would try) but don’t overdo o. And pls why do most naija men change after marriage yet blame women 4 changing. MsheW oshisco

  18. Mr. Egghead

    May 20, 2016 at 7:48 pm

    Everything depends on the man.
    The average responsible man wants to make sure that the babe he’s chasing can actually be a wife – that it doesn’t just end at “eyebrows on fleek.” The finding-out process can take time. A guy usually knows if he won’t marry a girl within weeks of meeting her, but he may not know if he WILL marry that girl for months or even years.
    How are you going to show that you can fit into that role if you don’t do the normal wifey things like cooking?
    Unfortunately, if you carry your two feet and walk into a relationship with an irresponsible man, what do you expect? He’ll just string you along and ditch you when he is through.

    Nkem’s friend simply ran into a bad bobo. Please send me Tiwa’s email. I need soup in my freezer.

  19. Becca

    May 20, 2016 at 8:00 pm

    Okay, okay… I respectfully disagree with the writer of this article. First of all, you make it seem like it is a fundamental duty of a woman to do these things i.e. cooking, cleaning and sexually satisfying her partner. I think this in itself, is a big problem about the way we view romantic relationships in our society. Apparently there are some benefits that can only be enjoyed when one is married such as eating home cooked meals. Cooking and cleaning and sex are not marital benefits and I think its high time we stopped propagating such message. Our society has often dictated to women that they will only be happy in their marriage if their husbands or significant other is satisfied on all fronts hence, her own needs and feelings are secondary. When two people decide to engage in a romantic relationship, it is their responsibility to set defined boundaries and understand what they are bringing to the table, what they stand to gain and what they stand to lose. This is why people should fall in love with each other as individuals and not fall in love with ideas or expectations of what they want or what society has stipulated as ideal. You define the kind of relationship you want to have right from the start, from your boyfriend/girlfriend days and in as much as your are not obliged to do certain things like cooking during courtship, you are certainly not obliged to do that during marriage as well. With regards to sex, we also have to stop thinking about sex as something women dole out, its not akara. Women are sexual beings as well and I think, she should be free to share that experience with whomever she wants to so long as she feels confident about her choice and her decision to do so. The main question here is not about playing wife or not, its about understanding whether your relationship is leading towards a desired end or not, are you happy or not? Marriage is not always the end goal too, my parents have been together for twenty-six years and they are not married, in the “official” sense of the word at least!
    PS: I apologgize for the typos. French keyboard wahala.

    • Mr. Egghead

      May 20, 2016 at 9:14 pm

      ^^^^^^
      I concur .
      @Becca ???????

  20. naturedozit

    May 20, 2016 at 8:03 pm

    I have a cousin who was practically living with her then boyfriend more than three years before they tied the knots. So my take? Do what works for u. U can only keep a man who wants to be kept. Run around it anyhow u want,a man who wants u wants u. And a man who does not wants does not want u. Case closed

  21. Lola

    May 20, 2016 at 8:16 pm

    Oh please! Can we stop with the condescending phrase “playing wife” and it is amazing women are the ones who use it more often than not. So when a woman cooks, cleans and gives you regular sex that is what makes her a wife???
    What makes a woman a wife is her ability to support a man as his helpmate towards the fulfilment of his purpose without losing sight of her own self and her own purpose.
    So if this friend was accompanying him to weddings and events, helping him make tough career and financial decisions or had started a business with him, would she have been considered to be”playing wife” and would the tone of the writer and commentators be so condescending?
    Sometimes, all a man wants is a person he can have intelligent conversation with and who can cheer him on as he goes out to face the world everyday and may not really care about the cooking and cleaning,but because society has taught women that this is their major role as a wife,women keep over compensating in these areas. Your major role is to be his partner/helpmate. Figure out what help means to your man and thrive there.
    Also, please do not tell a woman how to act or not act in a relationship. As long as a woman is not being abused, manipulated, used or disrespected she is free to do whatever makes her and her partner happy! What we should be preaching is that you ensure the person you are doing all this for is worth it and doing it makes you happy not because you are trying to please or hold on to a guy! if he is a guy that is worth it, he wont disrespect you for doing all you do to make life easier for him and he would do the same for you.
    Finally, how come nobody calls out the men for “playing husband”. Afterall, there are men that buy cars, rent apartments, pay tuition and much more for their girlfriends yet they are seen as good men and their girlfriends are considered lucky, But the minute a girl picks up a broom and a serving spoon she is “playing wife” and the guy is justified if he runs!
    Its 2016 please! Let people love the way they want to love as long as the person is loving them back and they are happy.
    My husband is s very ambitious entrepreneur, we dated for 4 years and in those 4 years, i helped write hundreds of proposals, attended business meetings with him, got sponsors and contacts for him yet no one accused me of playing wife! They told me i’d lose him to a more homely person because I hardly cooked or cleaned but I knew what was important to him and i focused on thriving there also because I knew i’d need the experience when i wanted to start my own business.
    Now we are married n he loves that he can get rely on my useful opinion on any decision he has to make in his personal life or at work. I was criticized for not showing my wife potential now another woman is being accused of playing wife.
    Please women, there is no script to making a man marry you! It is not a stage
    play, no need for the theatrics!
    When you meet a guy you like, get to know him find out what he really needs from the woman in his life. If you are ok meeting these needs then stay n give it all once you see he is worth it. If fulfilling his needs is going to make you unhappy or compromise your own dreams then walk away.
    There is no such thing as playing wife! Play you and if he is the right guy that would be enough.
    And if cooking n cleaning is part of playing you, pls play you the right man is worth every pinch of salt and every spin of the washing machine!
    To each his own!

    • Nkem Ndem

      Nkem Ndem

      May 20, 2016 at 8:34 pm

      @Lola, did you see this line in the article : “Biko, I am not setting rules for anyone on how involved they can be at each stage of their relationship….you may need to use your intuition on that one ” ?

    • Di

      May 21, 2016 at 4:10 am

      Nkem dont apologize, I liked your article. What you must understand is that everyone of us have Tiwas in lives, they all come up with excuses to justify their acts. No human being does anything without a purpose, women can lie about what that purpose is but its obivious to the rest of the world. People said you were give advise on how to trap a man but I think you were only giving an ALTERNATIVE to willful slaving.

      @Lola, am not sure Where on earth you are but as annoying as it is, its the culture in 3rd world countries and 30yrs ago in Western countries to view those traits are wifely, if it wasnt there wont be many Nigerian girls doing it. Bringing in misplaced feminism to this article is like screaming all lives matter at a black lives matter rally. This was an enlightening article for some Nigerian women who still desperately do these things. Women are sexual but these girls only have sex at their man’s timeline and not when they themselves feel like for fear of being labeled as hoes. However way you look at it, no woman should be obliged to do these, these men are not your sons nor husbands, they are potential partners and should be treated as such.

      Again Nkem, great article! These traits are common with women from third world countries, I have Tiwa friends from Asia and Middle East.

    • Oga o

      May 20, 2016 at 8:46 pm

      EVERYTHING SHE SAID!!! Yes I was yelling. And everything Becca said too.

    • Laila

      May 21, 2016 at 6:02 am

      @Lola, I think you closed the chapter when you said
      “Play you and if he is the right guy that would be enough.”……….Das all!!!!

  22. Oga o

    May 20, 2016 at 8:46 pm

    EVERYTHING SHE SAID!!! Yes I was yelling. And everything Becca said too.

  23. Louise

    May 20, 2016 at 8:55 pm

    When wee u learn madam. Get this. Bella Naija attracts intelligent commenters. Don’t come here and come and be writing half-baked stereotypical predictable articles. So it is cooking and cleaning that qualifies one as a wife. I weep for your influencers. There is no hard and fast rule to being wifed. I am tired of people over rating marriage. For Crissake it is not the iron throne.

    • Hian

      May 20, 2016 at 9:20 pm

      Lol, Louise you are right about bellaNaija…but I don’t think you are one of the intelligent commentators you are talking about.

    • Laff carried me

      May 21, 2016 at 6:27 am

      You had to do that…..ouch!!?????

    • Kaychy

      May 21, 2016 at 8:46 am

      @Hian thank you jare. see d way she commented like she was one of d intelligent ones….I bet she didn’t even read d article

    • Edie

      May 22, 2016 at 2:16 pm

      Na WA o! You have no chill at all?

  24. mywifeisfiiiiiiine

    May 20, 2016 at 9:00 pm

    If you want your market to sell, you must arrange it well for the audience you want to attract. There is no set rule, just do your thing within moderation. Cook/don’t cook, clean/don’t clean, sex/no sex; person wey go marry you go everly marry you.

  25. Tralalalala

    May 20, 2016 at 9:14 pm

    Please people I have a question?
    My bf is not educated but rich.
    I am very educated Ph.D. Things.
    Now he wants to marry. I am afraid of introducing him to la familia… He is also Muslim & Yoruba, I am Christian and Igbo.
    Please no insults just honest counsel required. Thanks.

    • 'Deola

      May 20, 2016 at 9:59 pm

      The fact that is a boyfriend means there is something you cherish, no be so? How many Ph.D Things have become billionaires? Otedola and Dangote come to mind. I am not sure Flavour and Wizkid are Ph.D Things, neither is Jay Z and Drake if we have to look beyomd our borders. And if we must look beyond race, then Richard Branson has no letters after his name either.

      You know, the ‘koko’ of the matter how you both relate to one another. How deeply you want him day and night. It has nothing to do with expectation of ‘familia.’ I know when the curtain closes and night falls, it is you that will deal with his nakedness and his flaws. It is that stirring within you that you should watch for not societal or family expectations. Falz and Jennifa are sterotypes that educated folks have used to jumpstart a career.

      That’s my one naira in the matter.

    • Lola

      May 20, 2016 at 10:32 pm

      Do you love him,can you cope with the religion difference? My dear,money is not everything but the love,trust,commitment is what will keep you both.

    • PD Young Billionaire

      May 20, 2016 at 10:38 pm

      Life is not all about riches.What if he becomes poor tomorrow?Because it looks like the only attractive thing about him right now is his money.You said he is uneducated,this means you both can’t reason the same way.Why don’t you trust God for a man that is almost on the same level with you?

    • Yebo

      May 20, 2016 at 11:08 pm

      There is only one way to find out, introduce him to your family and see their reaction. You can also ask them about it. Truth is you will figure it out between you, your family and your boyfriend.

    • Kadara

      May 21, 2016 at 7:50 am

      @Tralalalala, I’am more concerned about the education and religion. For education you need to be sure he won’t start displaying insecurities if you always appear more knowledgable than him in many things. Is he someone you won’t be able to freely talk about your qualifications around and be proud of your achievements because it will affect his ego? Is he someone that anything you say when married will turn into she’s too proud because she thinks she so educated? Just be sure he is not someone that you will keep downing play your own achievements and knowledge around just to make him feel good, that’s not life. As per religion what about the kids? Will you be happy if he insists your child go with him to his own worship? Will you let the kids decide themselves ? Will you be happy having your family having fragmented religious beliefs? Think we’ll about those things.

    • Kadara

      May 21, 2016 at 7:58 am

      What are you on about the man having a job and not living at home, do the women here sound like they also don’t have jobs and homes of their own? So is that the so called manly things your brothers bring to the table? What manly things were they doing for those women in exchange for the so called womanly things the women were doing? As for the fact that his ex is still single and so? Everyone will marry at different times, it’s okay to say oh she regrets letting although I don’t know why she does since clearly they were not compatible and she also would have been miserable but to suggest that the fact that she’s still single while he’s married with kids means the woman somehow loses out is silly. Life is not a competition, she’ll also find someone conpatable snd have kids in due time . It’s okay for domesticated women to be a priority for your brothers but to try and compare having a job and home to cooking and cleaning when the women themselves have jobs and homes is ludicrous .

    • TdMusic

      May 21, 2016 at 6:29 pm

      I say no but based on religious differences… I sincerely believe it will cause problems after sometime…. #SeekAChristianLikeYourself #BePatient

    • tboo

      May 21, 2016 at 7:33 pm

      NO PHD over here.. i’m edo and catholic.. potential bf is Yoruba and muslim… my people told me to cut it.. but I like him.. sigh… religion wont let me love.

    • Benny

      May 22, 2016 at 12:20 pm

      Well well well looks like i met a second. My boyfriend is Muslim and hausa I am delta and a Christian. He ain’t rich, middle class uneducated too. Am still in school too. The things i would advise you point out before marriage. What religion will the children follow. Muslim name or Christian name. 10 years along do you see yourself switching religions. Can you cope with having to explain English words he doesn’t understand. The rest will follow. Just thoroughly question yourself. Good luck with it {mine is so much of an illiterate he can’t use an atm} . Just like they say beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder

  26. talknado

    May 20, 2016 at 9:34 pm

    @lola i just love u, there is no hard or fast rule!what wrks for A will not wrk for B. I remember that popular song which says…smiling mouth is another mans favourite, lazy girl is another man favourite…
    Just trust God and do what wrks for u with sense.Ok

  27. Ronke

    May 20, 2016 at 9:41 pm

    Again, it depends on what is important to the man. Don’t let bella naija deceive you o. If you find a man like my brothers that those things mean a lot to them, hang your hand like plastic and that’s how you will lose a good man. I have 3 brothers, 2 are married and their wives don’t stop praising my mum for raising such good men. My brothers are men in every sense of the word, and they show it even from dating unless they know it is no going anywhere, so if you are enjoying boyfriend/husband benefits, what are you bringing to be table. Don’t tell me your intelligence and wit, if I smack you there. Is he deaf and dumb and full too? Is it only his intelligence he is bringing to the table, Abu how manY of you single bella naija commenters will date a broke, jobless, still lives with is parents intelligent man. So, why do you as the woman only get to bring your “intelligence” to the table. If all you are bringing to the table is your brain. Better go and marry oyinbo. If you’ve let him play the manly roles that the Nigerian society expects, and you’ve enjoyed and benefitted from it, may I ask why you can’t fulfil the womanly roles that the Nigerian society expects. The problem is for some women, the man isn’t playing the manly role and they are playing the womanly role, then their fingers get burned and they come to bella naija to start ranting. Like they sent you. I am not holding my sisters in law as paragons of virotue but specific to my brothers, they wanted women who could run the home effectively, in addition to the woman’s brain because our mum did an excellent job at being homemaker and permanent secretary. So, know the man you are with. Know how he was raised. Find out his expectations and decide if in addition to who you are as a person you can fulfil that. If you can’t, take a walk. He will find someone else who will, and you will find someone else who will take you for you, even if you can’t boil an egg. I remember one girl that was doing, love me for me, I don’t do this and that. They didn’t last a few months. Today, she is still single with her love me for me, my brother don marry born two, she is still there forming. The other day we met at Shoprite and she was telling me my brother was the one that got away and she still regrets it. I looked at her up and down thanking my stars they didn’t get married because my brother would have suffered. They won’t even have married. He loves his Efo Riro and Amala too much. Madison Fahrenheit no dey cook am. I told her to go try oyinbo dating sites. I hope she got the message. Long and short of my epistle, woman, know the kind of man you are with. If it is important to him and he is worth it, and it won’t feel like pulling teeth, do it. I am not saying pretend, but don’t now lose a good man who will be everything to you and more, because unrealistic bella naija articles said so. We no be oyinbo o. Dating is an auditioning process both for the man and woman. Epistle over.

    • Becca

      May 21, 2016 at 9:36 am

      Well, I don’t really know what you mean by “run the home effectively”. Last time I checked, this was a job for two, for the two that has become one. The world is rapidly changing and gender roles even in marriage have become increasingly blurry. We keep limiting ourselves and settling and this in itself is not a good foundation for relationships and marriages. We keep having unrealisitc expectations of our spouses/significant others. Yes, your brothers might like their efo riro or whatever but it is not the “duty” so to speak of their wives to make it for them. What is important to you as a woman going into a relationhsip matters just as much as the man’s, and your ability and your availability to make amala or ogbono should not be a determining factor. And what are these “husband benefits” you referred to? Is it the money or what because I don’t get? I don’t know but growing up, I was taught to be independent, to pay my bills by myself and for myself, I am not waiting for some random dude who probably cannot afford to pay his own rent to cater for me. I am my own responsibility, so that is something else I bring to the table apart from my wit and intelligence.

    • Mama

      May 21, 2016 at 10:29 am

      So because your brother is married and his ex is still single means that she is disadvantaged. I’m shaking my head for you. You obviously think you are God. It is comments like yours that makes ladies and even some gents settle for the next person immediatly after a break up just to put up appearances. I pray for your brother’s ex, that God will give her a testimony that will shut the mouth of her enemies. Just to be clear, it is possible she is way happier and fulfilled single than your brother who is married.

    • Give and take

      May 21, 2016 at 11:47 am

      Fulfilled single, yet she said her brother was the one that got away and she regrets it. You people need to get your head out of the clouds and stop deveiving yourself. If you meet a traditional english man,you will be surprised at what he expects so even oyinbo is not ruled out. Leave all the fantastic theoretical bella naija writers. It all boils down to what your man’s love language is and what yours is too. I suggest people read that book so you stop wasting your time on meaningless relationships. If you have a great guy whose love language is caring and acts of love and yours isnt. Just shift to one side let him find someone whose love language is. I agree with Ronke because my husband is like the brothers she described. After doing shakara for long, and complaining upandan about nigerian men. I met this amazing guy whose love language is caring and acts of love. This man would do anything for me and i wasnt his wife. I had to do a brain reset and i took care of him too. According to bella naija commenters i was a slave and auditioned for wife. Hian! It worked for me doesnt mean it will work for someone else but stop and examine yourself. Are you a taker and not a giver. If yes. Dont be surprised why all you meet are idiots. Nigetian eomen will take take take, give back now they will say you are disrespecting them. Extend yourself too or that good man will walk and years later you will meet his sister in a supermarket talking about how he was the one that got away because bella naija said so. Theory doesnt akways work in real life. Know your love language and know his too.

    • Mama

      May 21, 2016 at 3:20 pm

      @Give and Take…so if I someone has a regret, it means they are not happy in other aspects of their life? Her regret now equals the totality of her life abi? I don’t even blame Ronke for making the ex sound pathetic. I blame the ex for not knowing what she stands for. How can you see your exes sister and be telling her your regrets, even if you do keep it to yourself. She no get self pride ni?

      If as you said the two people in a relationship should know each others love language, and it turns out they are not compatible, why is the blame on the lady alone? Is the man not also guilty of not fulfilling a need that is in her love language? It takes two to mess up a relationship. What I can’t stand is the idea that the first person to marry after a break -up is the “good” one. You’d be surprised that this guy meets that his ex sef, he may begin to make passes at her again.

    • Debbie

      May 22, 2016 at 8:10 am

      My dear this statement is one of the “stupidest” I have seen. Permit me to use that word.

      Let me flip it for you. I have 2 friends that dated and the girl was love me for me. Guy is like as a woman, you should be able to do xyz to show you can manage the home blah blah. She is married now. He isn’t….

      Please ehn, what works for A won’t work for B.

      To each (wo)man his own

  28. Ronke

    May 20, 2016 at 9:45 pm

    Maison Fahrenheit*. Pardon my typos. Auto correct won’t kill me. My third brother is still single by the way. You ladies can audition. He loves his Ogbono and fufu o. Non negotiable. Hahahahahahahahaha. Before anyone thinks they are Neanderthals, they can cook and clean and the whole nine yards that traditionally women do, because there were only 3 boys before yours truly came along

    • Kadara

      May 21, 2016 at 7:59 am

      What are you on about the man having a job and not living at home, do the women here sound like they also don’t have jobs and homes of their own? So is that the so called manly things your brothers bring to the table? What manly things were they doing for those women in exchange for the so called womanly things the women were doing? As for the fact that his ex is still single and so? Everyone will marry at different times, it’s okay to say oh she regrets letting although I don’t know why she does since clearly they were not compatible and she also would have been miserable but to suggest that the fact that she’s still single while he’s married with kids means the woman somehow loses out is silly. Life is not a competition, she’ll also find someone conpatable snd have kids in due time . It’s okay for domesticated women to be a priority for your brothers but to try and compare having a job and home to cooking and cleaning when the women themselves have jobs and homes is ludicrous .

  29. Ife

    May 20, 2016 at 9:51 pm

    Ahhhhh ???? I love bellanaija ???????

  30. 'Deola

    May 20, 2016 at 10:08 pm

    I think people should work hard at being the best they can be. Be yourself and leave the rest to chance. Be the best you can be so that someone sees you as being worthy. No need to scheme or rope a man to become his wife. Like someone else said, just do you ! I am sure most would be fine on the long run.

  31. Mayo

    May 20, 2016 at 10:30 pm

    Great rendition…. Good job.

  32. Abuja Bored Girl

    May 20, 2016 at 10:36 pm

    @Tralalala it’s very obvious you and your boyfriend are not compatible. There’s no educational nor religion compatibility.If he tells you to covert to Islam, can you do that? Will you sell yourself just cos of money??? If you marry him, you’d just be setting yourself for trouble. Lastly, don’t forget that money is not everything.

  33. 100000000 yards wifematerial

    May 20, 2016 at 11:33 pm

    I learnt my lesson the hard way. I was busy doing one million yards wife material for my useless ex… Cooked cleaned washed open legs I even had key and met the whole family..the hediot still broke up with me… I met my hubby and I didn’t lift a finger, I didn’t even cook indomie for him and one day when he asked I said no wife benefits for boyfriend Biko. I’m tired to giving my pearl to swines lol. We dated a year and I didn’t even collect the key to his apartment… he wifed me and today he’s enjoying all the benefits ???

  34. abi

    May 21, 2016 at 12:15 am

    I’ve never cooked for a boyfriend. If he comes over they’ll be food because I eat. I’ve had to hide food from one particular boyfriend though. Loved him to bits but a pot of food that would last me 4 days was one meal to him. And he’d nap, wake up and ask for a snack.
    I also dated a guy who lived in his family house with his brother and his wife. She would clean his room as part of her chores and when I came along she stopped. I think he expected that I’d take over but never dared vocalise though. Eventually he began to clean his room by himself.
    I reckon I deserve a medal for my services to feminism.

    • Di

      May 21, 2016 at 4:29 am

      Lol, you do!
      Thats me right there, whenever my man comes to my place, we eat whatever is available. When I go to his place, he cooks, it’s always terrible but I never complain and would encourage him by showing how to do it. All that cooking and carrying over to someone’s place to store in his fridge is stupid, even their mother wont do that on a regular. Ive never cleaned anyone’s home, if a man is healthy and not physically disabled he can do it.

    • Mama

      May 21, 2016 at 10:33 am

      Lol….let me know where to send that medal. You do deserve it!

    • Fidyo

      May 22, 2016 at 1:58 pm

      hahhahahahhahahahhha……………Jesu Oluwa oooo!!!!

  35. Bamz

    May 21, 2016 at 12:31 am

    Life isn’t a walk in the park… So I’m just going to say this. “Do what is right, not what is necessary”. Be careful how you choose to love ur partner and as so many ppl have said, if you not do it now, you probably not going to do it later on.

  36. Miss D&G

    May 21, 2016 at 12:31 am

    “Your life is not an audition for marriage” GBAM!! That right there is the TRUTH!!!

  37. Di

    May 21, 2016 at 4:40 am

    For those who are excusing these as acts of love, you love your mum, dad and brothers, do you cook stew & soup and carry it over to their houses and wash their clothes and underwear while at it?? Women dont do anything without a purpose. If you love a man, spend more time knowing him, doing memorable things and positively impacting each others spiritual, emotional and financial life. Most men are emotionally constipated, all that cooking and jerk-off-sex does nothing to help with that. He is your best friend, not your handicapped son!!!

    • Ronke

      May 21, 2016 at 9:59 am

      Yes I cooked soup and carried it to my brothers house before they got married. I still do for the single one, because that one hates eating out and would rather eat cornflakes when he is too tired to cook for himself (oh you are shocked he can cook) than eat out. Cleaning his house, I did that too during months he was extremely busy travelling all over the place. I’ll go with my parents domestic help, or another brother because that’s the kind of family I have. We take care of each other. I have loaded the washing machine for him, too many times to count. I have his spare key like the rest of my siblings and parents and from time to time I popped in to check that things were right, because while I still live with my parents, he and even the married ones still pop in from time to time and help around the house. So, now tell me that he will have a girlfriend who will be in his life and hang her hand like plastic, chanting love me for me, or she will come to only fill up his emotional constipation abi what else did you say, or only impact his spiritual and financial life, he handles that aplenty by himself and would love his woman to add to it to for sure, but is that all??? Because he as the man isn’t only impacting your emotional and spiritual life, talk true o. Be honest here. I really don’t know the types of men you ladies have been meeting o, I think we need another bella naija article to address that, because on this site, women are never in the wrong, it is always the men, the men, the men. Let me finish with the best friend angle. My best friend and I cook for each other, do each other’s laundry, and gbogbo e. She lives on her own because her parents live abroad and she moved back home and I have helped her clean her house before, so that makes me a slave or auditioning for sister wife???? ????. I can’t deal with y’all.

    • Di

      May 21, 2016 at 1:14 pm

      We are clearly brought up differently?. Yes, impacting/ improving his spiritual, emotional and financial life is enough, that’s what human relationships are for. Obviously you’re brought up in a household where sisters are taught to clean after and serve/cook food to their brothers because they are men. Because You never mentioned your brothers stopping by your place to cook/clean and do your laundries. Unless my siblings including my brothers are sick or urgently requests, I’m not cleaning or laundrying for no grown healthy adult!! when I feel like it, I can cook what they dont know how to and have them pick it up but not out of obligation. For my parents, obviously yes, cause they are older and need it. Doing that for your grown healthy brothers isnt “having their backs” but it is treating them like sick handicapped kids while enabling them to expect that from mere girlfriends! Please dont pass this deadly mentality to your daughters, break the cycle.
      If your brothers dont need a woman to impact their spiritual, financial and emotional life but a woman to majorly clean and cook, then they don’t need wives, they need househelps they can sleep with! These are the type of men that start appreciating their househelps more because she cleans/cooks more than his working wife who is contributing to the household finances. Abeg hide those your brothers, not husband material at all.

    • Di

      May 21, 2016 at 1:28 pm

      I admire you and your friend do that for each other, I do that with my friends too, that is a healthy relationship. But doing all that cleaning/laundering for people who dont reciprocate is unhealthy and you need to ask yourself why you feel obliged to. ???

    • Mama

      May 21, 2016 at 3:25 pm

      But he can hang his own hand like plastic for his own clothes and stomach abi? Do you even read what you write at all? I can see you’re going to be a very “wonderful” mother-inlaw one day. Hian!

    • Bee

      May 26, 2016 at 2:02 am

      Too much lie lie in this your story Ronke!!! Quit already!

    • Anonymous

      May 21, 2016 at 12:45 pm

      Di dont miss the point. People are saying that refusing to cook for him to marry you is equally as desperate as cooking for him to marry you. Desperation will chook out its ugly head eventually. Disagree all you want, but on what logical grounds?

    • Di

      May 21, 2016 at 11:44 pm

      Hello, I didnt miss that point and absolutely agree.
      Here, I’m talking about love as an excuse for these acts. And I’m saying, how is it love if its always one-sided? She does all these but her brothers don’t stop by HER PLACE to help her with something domestic.

    • Ronke

      May 21, 2016 at 5:44 pm

      You clearly are not reading. Because I wrote that they also stop by our parents house and help around the house. I also wrote that my brothers also do it for each other because that is how we are raised to take care of each other. When someone doesn’t read my comment well and comes all gung Ho. No point continuing the conversation, because I may as well be talking to a brick wall.

    • Netizen

      May 21, 2016 at 7:15 pm

      So Ronke what happens honestly with a woman who doesn’t need a man to perform husbandly duties? For those of us that bear our own financial burdens and would rather call a vulcanizer to fix our tyres? And by the way, while we’re are not hanging our hands like planks, what will bobo be doing? So cooking and cleaning for a man is far better than contributing intelligently to building his career? Oh, he’s intelligent enough? But he can cook too na, why does he need me to cook for him then? When I feel like eating Amala and efo riro, who will prepare it for me too? Nigerian women, we have a long way to go o. I don’t pray for a sister-in-law like you who thinks the only thing a woman can or should contribute to a relationship is cooking and cleaning.

  38. bbclue

    May 21, 2016 at 5:42 am

    I disagree with u…some guy really wat to know if a woman can cook..wash etc

  39. Derah

    May 21, 2016 at 7:14 am

    It’s on catch up.
    Big head!

  40. gifted

    May 21, 2016 at 8:38 am

    am in surport of what nkem ndem is saying

  41. Darqpearl1

    May 21, 2016 at 8:42 am

    Bruno u ar sick and u don’t Knw yet .. Some pple have wrong opinion about others..falana ran ti e

  42. Ronke

    May 21, 2016 at 9:41 am

    You completely missed the point, but let me state examples of things my eldest brother did as a boyfriend because he was raised to protect his woman. Fixed her tyres, in fact till now my sister in law probably doesn’t know where her spare tyre is. Took her car to the mechanic when there was a problem, serviced her car and his, fixed stuff around her house. Oh, you were shocked she had her own home? On a particular night when she called him that people were robbing in her estate, my brother risked his life in the middle of the night, and drove to her house from Lekki, so she won’t be alone should armed robbers get to her house. He spent a whole week in her house just to keep her safe because moving to his would mean spending double the time to get to work, so my brother took on that extra time to get to work. She lives and works on the mainland, he lived and worked on the island at that time. That’s husband duties. But reasoning like yours, expects the door to swing only in one way from the man’s side. The woman is the only one that has the monopoly of love me for me. Sit down there, let pant wear you. My sister in law suffers from terrible menstrual pain like me, in fact that’s how we started bonding when they were dating. My brother will buy drugs, hot water bottles, have food delivered when she couldn’t go to work. My own mother has cooked and sent food to her sef, should I continue listing???? My point? Do you think if she didn’t take care of him too and met his own set of expectations, my brother would do that and love her just for her??? Some men would, don’t get me wrong, but let’s be realistic. My point about his ex wasn’t to deride her singlehood but to point out that some women are losing good men sticking to unrealistic ideals. If he is an asshole, why are you dating him in the first place? I can’t date a man that isn’t worthy of me cooking for him, or taking care of him within reason. Like what’s the point. It works for some o, don’t get me wrong, but know ya man, that’s what I am saying. Sex is enjoyed by the woman too, so don’t let’s talk as if you are doing him a favour. My sister in law never washed clothes by the way so don’t think she was slaving to be considered wifely, he grew up with washing machines and he had one in his own home, but those extra womanly touch, as dictated by the Nigerian environment that are expected for women to play, she did it joyfully and with love because she had a good man who deserves it. She was getting husband benefits too, as far as I am concerned, because she was worth all that to him too. Be angry if you want, jump up and down screaming women’s equal rights, but you this women talking, won’t turn down husband duties from a boyfriend, you will call him sweet and caring, to now replicate is wahala, you’ll be postulating theories about the man disrespecting you. A good man won’t see you finish or disrespect you if you cook for him or do things you naturally do at home. I don’t wash clothes at home, so I can’t wash clothes for a boyfriend, i’ll direct you to cash and carry to buy a washing machine, and I can help you clean your house if we do it together, because my brothers and I shared house chores. If y’all have been meeting assholes that take it for granted, it begs the question about the kind of men you attract, or the motive behind why you did it, because if you look in the mirror, you will realise you are the commonality. The men are variables.

    • Ronke

      May 21, 2016 at 9:44 am

      My comment was in response to Kadar’s above

    • lola

      May 21, 2016 at 12:34 pm

      but Ronke the people that are in agreement with you are feminists who state that there is nothing wrong with cooking for your man. Why pull down gender equality ideology just to prove your point. I was agreeing with you till I saw that. I was rather disappointed

    • Give and take

      May 21, 2016 at 2:02 pm

      What your brother did risking his life to go be with her during a robbery attack and staying with her, inconveniencing himself driving to work for a week. You wont hear nigerian women writing articles saying no dont do it. He shouldn’t have done it, she is his girlfriend not his wife. I can bet that it will be a case of aaaaaaw, how sweet, such a gentleman or there will be some who will say of course now he should have done it isnt he a man? What is his job before. Now tell these woman to perform some cutlural womanly roles in a relationship not by force or anything just reciprocate in some way to show you care about this person. Thats when you will start hearing stories. Your intelligence and wit is enough. You are not a maid. Some women went the whole nine yards and didn’t get married, because they were throwing pearls to swine and whose fault is that for them not recognising that he was swine but some women did and STILL got married and some may not have done it and didnt get married too. Your brother’s ex for example. your sister in law has a keeper and i hope she knows it and wont take it for granted. No wonder his ex is still regretting. Who wouldn’t. I would have regretted losing my husband if i selfishly stuck to unrealistic ideals. He would have left to a woman who would appreciate him. We are married now and we share house chores and child care. So women articles like this are good for internet duscussions but at the end of the day, Nkem wont be there when shit hits the fan, so in my opinion do you and know his love language.

    • Mama

      May 21, 2016 at 3:37 pm

      How do you even know so much details about your brother’s relationships?

    • Ronke

      May 22, 2016 at 1:40 pm

      You asked me for example of husband duties and I gave you examples. We are a close knit family, love it or hate it or don’t agree with it, we know details about each other’s lives. Surely when your brother is going into that kind of situation, risking his life for the woman he loves, he will tell his family so they can be aware and pray for his safety. OTT for some but we love each other like that and we love our two new additions too, and will love the third and fourth when the youngest and I get married.

    • Mama

      May 22, 2016 at 5:38 pm

      I know that you mean well, but the way you went off with “my brothers this, my brothers that” comes off wrong. You are biased and i get it. They are blood, but you see, one thing i have learnt from my little experience is that no matter how close your relationship with your brother (s) is, it still has its limits (always bear that in mind). Your brothers are not saints! When it comes to matters between a man and a woman just take it that you don’t know the whole story. Proverbs 30: 18-19 says ” There are three things that are too amazing for me, four that I do not understand: the way of an eagle in the sky, the way of a snake on a rock, the way of a ship on the high seas, and the way of a man with a young woman.

      See, even the way a man or woman kisses tells something of their character.
      I mean no harm though, and i hope you see the loophole in your stance and make amends.
      But even if you don’t, we can agree to disagree because at this point, I think I’m blabbing.

    • Bee

      May 26, 2016 at 2:09 am

      Are you minding her? Fabricating stories upandan the world.when you watch too much of nollywood ,ha-ha. Your story sounds sooooo fake,and you know this Ronke.

    • TdMusic

      May 21, 2016 at 6:39 pm

      The worst part is that if they check very well… @Ronke has daughters…. Please let be doing Osho Free for men since that’s your own ideology of dating…. It not about marriage… Its about #AHappyMarriage

  43. sally

    May 21, 2016 at 10:06 am

    I’m a repressed polyamorous. Socially adjusted enough to know that it’s unacceptable. I like men. Marriage is not for me. Did it for my parents.

    I keep my husband happy. My lover keeps me happy. Lover’s wife should move back to Nigeria if she wants all her husband’s emotions. She’s not serious. Long distance marriage…their problem.

    • For real?

      May 21, 2016 at 11:22 am

      Wow better leave the married man alone, it is not your business if she is serious or not. You have made a decision and will most likely live with the out come. Biko forget this I married for someone else, when the problems start it is on you.

    • Winona

      May 21, 2016 at 5:51 pm

      @sally you are a repressed polyamorous, socially adjusted to bla bla bla. You forgot but mentally unstable to know I’m making a fool of myself. Look at what you wrote “marriage is not for me” but you were stupid enough and super foolish to get married. Then you now went on to say your lover’s wife is not serious and she should come back if she wants bla bla bla. You might not drool from your mouth but you’re definitely a low grade imbecile. I pity your lover, he’s being foolish with a fool. Hope you guys don’t fool yourselves to AIDS or other deadly STDs. “Repressed polyamorous” my yansh, you’re not socially adjusted, you’re just super dense. Na when old age knack you go know wetin you don cause yourself. BN post my comment! If I’m the wife ehn, I will use acid to scatter your face and your whole body, then I’ll send thugs to beat that husband to coma. Let me see where your polyamorous reach.

    • sally

      May 21, 2016 at 8:46 pm

      @winona you need to shut up and get an education. Your face is already acid scattered which is why you don’t have a man. If u beat yourg husband to a coma, you’d only end up alone and In jail.

      Simply because you refused to learn about how I keep 2 men happy. You can’t even keep one! You’re the low grade imbecile.

      BTW who has unprotected sex these days! We us e condoms ALWAYS.

      calm down. I’m VERY happy. VERY safe. Getting VERY good sex. You need to get some. It’ll calm down your anger and frustration. Lonely old bat!

    • The real dee

      May 22, 2016 at 1:35 am

      @Sally if you are so proud of your extra-marital affairs, please put your full name and address let @Winona come and pour acid on you and arrange thugs to beat you. See how you’re boasting.

      Oniranu obinrin, you are even insulting his wife saying she should come back, its her problem fpr being in a long distance marriage. You have your home, claim to be keeping your husband happy but destroying another woman’s home. I even thought you had a conscience but you came back to defend why you must continue destroying another womman’s home. FYI, you may be the reason for her leavinv, as she is tired of competing for her husband’s love with you.

      You see I feel like praying for you, the kind of prayer that is befitting for strange women like you. That husband you are keeping happy in the house, who you married because you wanted to satisfy your parents, I hope he also goes out and begins to philander such that he will bring home to you multiple STDs and you’ll begin to experience the pain you are inflicting on your lover’s wife in bountiful quantities.

      Don’t you have a heart? How can you be so cruel?

  44. IJS

    May 21, 2016 at 10:42 am

    This whole thing should be freestlyed. Cook together. Wash together. Help each other. Any other thing is slavery.

  45. Mbeke feeling funky

    May 21, 2016 at 10:59 am

    Thank you Ginger, it’s like you read my mind! Playing all these mind games all in the name of marriage, surely it’s not that deep.

  46. Peaches77

    May 21, 2016 at 11:36 am

    Bruno, Egghead, if you are in Nigeria, they already showed tHat episode on DSTV on the 17th and the replays on the 19th. So I guess writer assumed she was safe.

  47. Mi

    May 21, 2016 at 2:24 pm

    People like you are what’s wrong with the society. They expect a woman to audition for wife role, yet they won’t audition for husband role.
    Marriage is about commitment. When God brought Eve to Adam, she didn’t have to audition her bedroom skills. Rebecca didn’t have to audition cooking skills.
    A man that wants you to audition for the ring will never be satisfied with you, because NEWSFLASH: you’re not perfect! The more he searches, he will continue to find something that you don’t have in you. A man that is ready for marriage will decide to be committed to you, knowing you’re not perfect.

  48. Uzoamaka

    May 21, 2016 at 3:09 pm

    Nike Ndem, please can your next write up be on survival skills of a freelance writer/online journalist? Maybe something on Social Media etiquette, suave Internet Marketing and PR??
    or just how you juggle life as a copywriter and editor???

    • Nkem Ndem

      Nkem Ndem

      May 21, 2016 at 10:16 pm

      @Uzoamaka, I have already written articles on similar topics, but on other platforms (not BellaNaija). Please message me via e-mail and I will reply with links to some of the articles.

  49. TdMusic

    May 21, 2016 at 6:51 pm

    @Sally
    The wifey of your lover probably left for overseas becos of Aproko women like u who won’t let her husband be….
    And yes am going to make an assumption now. And I bet my assumption is spot on. If ur marriage gave you children then it’s obvious u dont love those children…
    Becos children have a sixth sense for sniffing out their parent’s shoddy extramarital affairs. Av seen instances not once but Twice were the children were the first to discover thier cheating parent’s shenanigans.
    I hope for posterity’s sake that my assumption is wrong n u did not bring an unfortunate child into this mess you call your life….
    To think people still use wrongs to correct wrongs in this 2016…. Head for the divorce court if truly u hate ur partner…. But this filth ur spilling on here is a tragic shame…. #HIVAIDSis2Good4U

  50. oly

    May 21, 2016 at 7:12 pm

    @ronke is your Brother still single? would love to meet him ooo

  51. Panda

    May 22, 2016 at 4:35 am

    I guess the moral of the story is be true and don’t front for anyone, I was just having that conversation with a friend before reading this. I’m the last person that will try and front, I have male friends one was a cousin and one was not related, and one day they “jokingly” tried to ask me to cook for them, and I was like ehn? Mtchew, nonsense (its not my character), … And then I noticed that some girls around them (who weren’t auditioning or anything, just being themselves) liked to cook, but they thought this was representative of all girls or something.
    And having read many articles or singleness, dating, marriage etc, I’m definitely going to remain true to myself, its not only in dating, its in any relationship as well, never keep up a front that you can’t maintain. Be yourself, flaws and all. You’re a woman that doesn’t like cooking and cleaning (fine! Its not in our bloody DNA anyway) but society tells you will be single forever because guys are looking for wifey material, so you start fronting and snag a guy who prefers that women cook and clean and your marriage gets rocky when your true personality tries to seep out? Stop! Be who you are and a person that meshes with your character will show up, 50 years of marriage is too long to be putting up a front.

    Honestly, I noticed lately some of my friends have these extreme wifey material traits (they don’t do it for boyfriends, its just their personality ) and you know what I was thinking in a moment of weakness? Maybe I should try being a little like that too, just for the future you know, when dudes are looking for wifey I had to stop myself, it’s simply not me, that would be fronting, I’ll attract people who aren’t attracted to the real me that way. And that’s how people end up in situations when they say “he/she just suddenly changed!”.
    I won’t front like I like cooking or cleaning, or any cultural ” wifey” behaviour, I won’t hold back when I talk about men doing chores in the house, because for every man that thinks that’s an absurd idea and I’m not his ideal woman (thank God) there are those who find that thinking normal because that’s how they were raised and don’t see anything wrong with it. So be yourself o! Never let desperation make you front, you’ll have to front for 50 years more or deal with the catastrophe that arises when you decide to stop fronting.

    • joy

      May 25, 2016 at 3:30 pm

      How many times did you use the word- front/fronting!!!!!!

  52. Chisom Owoseni

    May 22, 2016 at 6:48 pm

    Hmmmmm, it is difficult not to play some of those especially cooking and cleaning. Although, you don’t over do it so he doesn’t take you for granted. I will never encourage any lady to sleep with her boyfriend, even when he has made his intentions know. If he loves you like he professes, let him wait until after the wedding to enjoy all a husband is suppose to enjoy.

  53. Martha Ako

    May 23, 2016 at 6:04 am

    ?????????? hang your ovaries on the wall…..Nkem,you can write….????. If he does not want to play the husband,why play the wife? better question. We women can be desperate. Leave the washing, cleaning , cooking, sexing for the man who will marry you!!!Anyway, we learn as we grow and get more experience.

  54. Martha Ako

    May 23, 2016 at 7:30 am

    ???????????????????? oh. .These comments will kill me oo. my ribs hurt. you all are so funny.

  55. Ouch!

    May 23, 2016 at 4:01 pm

    Hmmm! Abeg what will be will be. I dated my husband for 4 years before marriage and guess what? I can count the number of times i either cooked or washed for him. He was the one cooking and washing for me. Did that stop him from marrying me? No. We have been married for 5 years now and he still cooks and washes whenever he is less busy. I am the queen and My king is treating me as one. A man that love you will love cooking or no cooking

  56. Ever Green

    May 23, 2016 at 5:50 pm

    As for me, I love cooking and he is a very good cook as well infact it is like a competition between us , who makes the best Jollof rice, fried rice, efo riro and concussion rice? I enjoy cooking for him and I enjoy eating his food as well , there are times he will bring his home made food to my house just for me to taste, As regards washing, I dont wash cloths for anyone that is why i bought a washing machine for my parents sef so no one should ask me to wash cloth…. In fact when I get I married washing machine is a wedding gift for my self oh, my take is to do whatever you think is best for you in your relationship without loosing yourself in the process, I cook for him because I know he will do the same for me and he washes his own plates, toilet and clean his apartment without waiting for me.

    I remember i use to have a neighbor that waits on his girlfriend to do everything for him, he wont sweep his house and when girlfriend comes around will be working so hard , though she was a nice homely girl from a rich background, it broke my parents heart when he gave her red card, he was close to my parents so they called them and tried to settle the issue but my neighbor’s mind was made up so they went on their separate ways , The neighbor was cheating with a girl he met when he was out of lagos but here comes the Slayer Queen that wont even touch his cloth talkless of washing it, she advice him to get a washing machine, though she cooks anytime she likes and she knows how to press his mumu botton for an award winning chief player that slays any omoge blue,black,green and yellow is now eating at the palm of another sisi that knows how stoop to conquer…………………………………

    Ladies no fast rule about it, i have seen ladies that are homely and was wifed at the end and I have seen ladies that are very lazy and they were also wifed as well, just do you ojare

  57. Amaka d igbo chic

    May 23, 2016 at 6:49 pm

    I have been in this situation once in my life, i thought playing the wifey role will make him see me as a wife material, washed his clothes, cooked his meals, cleaned his house every weekend i visited him. fortunately he stays alone so there was enough space to explore. i was doing all that with so much excitement even though he had a paid dry cleaner that does his laundry i will insist on washing them when i visit, in my small mind and stupidity i thought i was making way to be a wife…one day he made a statement while we chatted on bbm “you like to assume things gan” that statement hit me so deeply that i read meaning to it and borrowed sense immediately. later it done on me this cockroach has a real girlfriend in Yankee he had plans to marry but i never for once smelt a rat. to cut the long story short i took a bow out of the relationship, thank God it didn’t go beyond that. Have learn my lesson and moved on. NEVER EVER again i’ll do more than what a girlfriend should do till he puts a ring on it. After all even if you dunno how to boil egg or cook indomie if he truly loves you he will still marry you, regardless of your flaws. However, its an added advantage if you know how to cook and do other house chores but don’t make such commitment till you are sure the relationship is heading to marriage or better still with my experience till you are both married in other to save yourself the stress of giving him the benefits of a wife as a girlfriend for free!!! Big boobs, pretty face, cooking skills, sex skills and all, they are cool but do u have sense? Dear Single ladies pls be wise!!!!

  58. Shadow

    May 25, 2016 at 2:17 pm

    Haaaahaaaahaaaa I laugh in Greek. There are NO rules to this thing. Keep trying till you find what works. Whatever you are not comfortable with don’t do.

  59. Magik

    May 26, 2016 at 6:52 pm

    Give everything but sex, I see no problems with Cooking, cleaning, those are not the issue. Dating partners can assist each other in areas where help is needed. Isn’t that what love is all about. Those are things you can do for anyone you love, like your friends and family. But Sex is an expression of a covenant, meant only for marriage and after marriage vows. God warns against fornication. He’s the all knowing God and He is wisdom in it’s nth value. Trust that He warns against it because it is a wise choice and that he is all knowing. But we choose not to listen and we get our Karma. It’s simple really. This is life and there are rules to guide us. The word of God should be our ultimate guide. Love, Marriage, Sex. That’s the way it should go. So ladies, stop blaming the crash of the relationship on loving a man like a wife. That’s not the sin. Having sex before marriage is.

  60. Chi

    June 8, 2016 at 2:11 pm

    @ginger God bless you for ur words. to those pouring acid hmm just lemme know when to see how I can assist

  61. Gold

    June 1, 2017 at 4:42 pm

    cook or no cook
    love is not about being a wife material or something
    what if she is a wife material and has no character

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