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Anna Attih: Swipe Left or Swipe Right? You’re Thirty-Five & On Tinder!

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dreamstime_m_40193147What to do when you, at 35, suddenly become single? I mean, you move from mentally planning a wedding with your boyfriend of four years to being single and searching. Mind you, you ended the relationship after a careful, logical drink-inspired assessment of the relationship, so you cannot really pin this break-up on the guy.

You are female and African Nigerian, and you are single at 35. I need you to think through the implication of this condition of mine.

Fast-forward to a few months later. You have an epiphany. Tinder!

You may be Nigerian but you live in America. Forget that you, as a result of some sort of pseudo-Christian belief that God has a special Adam to your Eve, have never really believed in having a strategy on how to meet a man. Surely, God has that covered. And resorting to self-help cannot be a good sign of your faith in the omnipotent God who ought to be able to arrange a garden-of-edenesque meet-cute without your input.

Reality is you are an introvert, you hate bars and your idea of happy hours include going to the liquor store, buying a bottle of cheap red or white wine, getting back home (all the while listening to an audiobook on your iPod using noise-cancelation earphones), sitting on your couch, and catching up on your favorite TV show on demand. The summer has been pretty boring so you’ve had to make do with new shows like Greenleaf, Queen of South, and… well, Donald Trump. Oh yes, Power is back so there, some summer spice.

Yes, Tinder. Step one, Google: find out the basics on how to join, read reviews. Step two, create a 2nd Facebook profile. One without pictures, friends, etc., no word of this must ever get out. Download the app, register. Add a sole picture, one of you in a beautiful European city; you, just large enough against the lovely background to show that you are an attractive woman but not close up enough to show your exact facial features. Just in case.
Adjust the settings, no kids under 28, those ones are still in the deceitful euphoria of youth. And no oldies over 45, thank you. Those ones likely have ex-wives and a brood. You may be 35 and single but no baby-mama drama, thank you very much.

Finally we are here. Ready to swipe left or right. I’m going to try men of all races. My ideal man would be: socially conscious, smart, nerdy, well-educated, attractive, taller than 5.10,” areligious, and errr… democrat. Yes, I have enough of the Trump crowd to know I may be better off with a democrat.

Anyway, so yes, here we go, time to swipe.

  • White dude: movie-star looks, claims he’s 6.2,” nice pictures including a golfing trip and another one with his blond sisters and father. Swipe left, they look republican.
  • Next, Latino guy: Good looking, too much gel in the too-arranged hair. Swipe left, he looks dubious.
  • Next, balding white man: 34, Ivy League educated, only one picture, no details of height and likes. Swipe left, insufficient data.
  • Next, skinny white dude: picture No.4 of him naked waist up, ugly tattoo on his right breast, skinny torso. Swipe left, can’t deal.
  • Next, black dude: looks like a boxer-he’s in a ring, armpit hair. No thanks, swipe left.
  • Next, white dude kissing his wife: he and his wife seek ‘a playmate for board games.’ Swipe left, shudder!
  • White dude: 35, has a sweet face, has pictures of him with his cat and dog, works with the government, doesn’t want to ‘play games and is looking for something serious,’ nice university. Swipe right. It’s a match! He’s already swiped right for me. Super! Keep swiping. I’ll let him initiate the conversation; I’m still an African woman.
  • Next, black dude: 34, clean cut, well-tailored suit, Oxford University, Management consulting, says he’s ‘looking for someone to hang out with a possibility of something serious,’ 6.2,” moved to the US two years ago. Definitely swipe right. It’s not a match… sad face. Well, fingers crossed, he may yet swipe right.
  • Next, black dude: great looking abs. Hold up, this dude looks suspiciously like Omari Hardwick. What are the chances that Omari is single and on Tinder, close to me in NY? Can’t be him, this one’s called Sean. Plus he has a cheesy quote on his profile. I don’t like men that are not original. Swipe left.

That is enough swiping for a day. Will have to come back to this later.

Photo Credit: Andrey Popov | Dreamstime.com

Anna started writing fiction at age 8. Her soppy romance books have only been read by her sisters, brothers, and mother. In the real world, she works in International Security. In her dreams, she lives in a cottage in the south of France, writing bestselling chick lit.

15 Comments

  1. Nitomeya

    October 26, 2016 at 7:56 pm

    Tinder sounds like an interesting video game. I will like to play it. On a more serious note, I enjoyed reading your tinder experience.

  2. The Real Oma

    October 26, 2016 at 8:10 pm

    Lovely piece Anna, had me laughing out loud many times. I’m not 35 yet but I can do relate!

  3. Missappleberry

    October 26, 2016 at 8:39 pm

    Cracked me up lol. Please also remember while swiping right and left, that a guy was recently acquitted for the murder of a girl he met on Tinder even though most people think he was guilty. Be wise while swiping upandan o! A word is enough for the wise.

  4. xplorenollywood.com

    October 26, 2016 at 8:59 pm

    Lol… tinder oh tinder! Tried it but most of the dude’s were reluctant, married or not ready for anything serious. I heard some pees have gone on to meet and marry though just not sure it’s for me really. Nice writeup

  5. fancynancy

    October 26, 2016 at 10:18 pm

    LOL. I mistakenly superliked a guys photo on tinder 2 weeks ago. My first thought was delete the app and play dead (-_-) but i just went with the flow out of boredom and we been talking everyday since then. he is legit the funniest guy i know and he totally matches my sense of humor( which is very rare with a lot of nigerian men). so far im very happy . so yaaaaaaay tinder…. fingers crossed i will be back in this very comment box inviting you all to my wedding. hahaha *unrepentant lover*

    • nne mummy

      October 27, 2016 at 6:38 am

      By God’s grace dearie. Don’t you ever forget that! Wishing you the very best!

    • e mi ni

      October 27, 2016 at 12:57 pm

      Amen. Family member married a beautiful woman he met on tinder.

  6. Sister Hagnes

    October 27, 2016 at 7:09 am

    Tinder really isn’t half bad. I met a few interesting people there although I had to sift through a lot of baddies but I must say it wasn’t a bad experience per say. One particular is pretty promising, we have good times every time we get together so fingers crossed

    • Enny

      October 27, 2016 at 11:18 am

      I concur…some think Tinder is a sex seeking app

  7. Enny

    October 27, 2016 at 11:16 am

    Tinder has it good side. I have met good people thru Tinder- a mix of the good and bad. Apparently sex trade has messed up the good idea of Tinder. It will be nice for people to state the type of relationship they are seeking on Tinder eg Fling, long term etc I still wonder why married folks are on Tinder…
    Currently in a relationship with some I met thru tinder…its going well. I like him so much…sometimes i wonder how we would have met without Tinder and if we did, would there have been a spark?
    #FingersCrossed #EnjoyingTheMoments

  8. Sonia Paloma

    October 27, 2016 at 1:03 pm

    Hahaha… heard of Tinder, not really sure what the swiping is about. Please you need to continue this story, very funny and interesting lol

  9. Susie

    October 27, 2016 at 1:18 pm

    Tinder is mostly for people that aren’t serious about settling down & it’s cool to use if you just want to “have fun”. Basically most men go there just to get laid . But if you’re looking for a potentially serious relationship, avoid the free dating sites and stick to paid dating sites only. There’s something about spending money to be on a dating site that weeds out a lot of the crazy boys.

    of course there are still some creeps online so be cautious, assume everyone you meet on these sites is a psycho till proven otherwise! Too many sad stories of women being killed when they go out to meet guys they found on dating sites.

    • aj

      October 29, 2016 at 1:25 am

      girl don’t assume that o! the paid ones are just as wack as the free ones. you don’t know where your Mr right could be. I am currently a paid member on e-harmony and most of the guys on there are wack. I used to be subscribed to match.com and the guys on there are not serious and mostly wack. I even know a white lady that said she paid for match.com but didn’t meet anyone worthwhile and she joined OK cupid and found her boyfriend turned husband there and she now has a baby girl.

  10. aj

    October 29, 2016 at 1:20 am

    loooool I tried Tinder for a couple of hours and deleted the app. I also tried Bumble for a day and the guys there are sooo handsome they seem unreal. I’m too shy to put myself on there for real!

  11. .....just saying

    October 29, 2016 at 7:34 am

    Lovely article Anna, very lovely

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