Connect with us

Features

Atoke’s Awkward Banter: Wedding Night – Marathon Sex Or Abeg Let Me Sleep?

Published

 on

It feels like when you’ve attended one wedding ‘production’ in Nigeria, you’ve seen them all. The script is standard; the only thing that is different is the cast and scale of production of wedding. In light of this sentiment, I couldn’t explain why it hurt me so much that I wasn’t in Abuja this past weekend, as one of my ‘bestest‘ friends in the whole wide world, got married. I tried to keep up with the wedding photos and videos on Instagram, but it only filled me with more pain. This had gone past having a severe case of FOMO (You don’t know what that means? Look for a millennial around to explain. Me sef I had to learn.) Anyway, I waited for the respectful amount of time to pass before calling her this morning. Wedding gist, abeg! I could not wait any longer. Don’t judge, okay? This is my Nengz we’re talking about. My heart.

So, here’s a short summary of the conversation many of the reception guests had with the couple.

Guys, go get laid.
Go get busy.
We’ll come visiting in 9 months. Twins oh.
*insert lecherous wink at KEN* Give it to her, well.
Why are you guys still here?
GO ON… Get screwing.

From the days of our forefathers, wedding night sex has always been note worthy thing. Although more skewed to the disadvantage of women, the idea of that ‘first’ sexual encounter you have as a committed couple, is a BIG deal. We have come a long way from people standing outside the door to see if the bed linen is stained (how gross!) However, with all the people who feel the need to wink at you on your wedding day or the day after, we might as well be asking to see the red stains. But, we’ll come to that later.

What I really came out of retirement to talk about was, whether wedding night sex is actually all that it is hyped up to be. I’ve never been married before, so this is a big learning point for me too. Yay, Banter’s back…

For couples who practice abstinence, the wedding night is when they find out whether they’re actually sexually compatible. It is that time when those who haven’t tread the path discover the thorns, or bed of roses – depending on how it goes. I have heard that for women who have never experienced vaginal penetration, it is a night that fills them with dread. This is fear is normal, especially if you’re suddenly confronted with a huge erect phallus, and you’re wondering how or where it will fit inside your body. Don’t worry, if a baby is designed to come out of that space, the penis will fit. Just make sure you’re well lubricated. But, I digress; back to wedding night stories.

For couples who have been sexually active, (either with each other, or with other people) the wedding night does not hold so much mystic. If you’re spending the night at a hotel, and y’all have never done it in such comfort before, then it’s probably a new experience. But generally, it’s a bull you’ve ridden before, just at a different rodeo.

So, what is it exactly about wedding night sex that has got unmarried people full of anticipation? I mean, other than the idea that you’ll conceive your first child that night, or the fact that you’ll have ‘Deity-ordained orgasms’, what is the big deal? Evidence shows that many couples are usually too tired to even press breast. In fact, evidence shows that people who actually have wedding night sex are the real MVPs.

Of course when I say, ‘evidence’ I mean my raggedy ass friends who can’t be taken out in public. Here’s what some of them had to say on this matter, when I asked what they got up to on their wedding night.

Idris, the Duke of Herts said: “Sleep. Who is yanshing on wedding night? When it is not Mills and Boons

Anne No-Mates had this to say: “After you have done all the ceremony plus dancing, crying, screaming and being vexed at some idiot Aunty? You’re having a bubble bath ??. Who has time for that?

Dapo Vee: “Sleep, my friend. Sweet sleep. Wedding night yanshing is for those who were virgins before. But if you don fire each other like 100 times before, Wetin dey shaq una?

I think these people cannot be trusted, they like sleep too much. However, Anne made a valid point. The activities surrounding a wedding ceremony are usually so exhausting.  People who are able to do anything more than plunk into bed after the event are truly heroes.

I found an article on Huffington Post on how some people spent their wedding night. Here are some responses below:

We got back to the hotel, I carried her across the threshold, and we began to consummate our vows. Moments after we started, there’s a knock at the door. It’s my mom. She then said we should both come down and visit with the family. Not preferred.

Nigerians will be able to relate to this one. You know that thing where they say you should go and sleep in your in-laws’ house because you’re now a part of THEIR family. How do you want to be doing all your reverse cow girl when Mummy and Daddy New Surname are down the hall. Just wait till you get to your new house jeje.

We had our hotel room the day before the wedding. Got to the church, did our thing, had a blast at the reception. We leave the reception, my bride tells me her period started at the church. We walked around our favorite store and bought a new board game. We played Monopoly and watched TV on the most comfortable bed we had ever slept on.

Aunty Flo! That family member that shows up unannounced – especially when you’re stressed. Actually, she usually pitches up at regular intervals; but during wedding planning and dates co-ordination, not a lot of people factor their cycle. This lady has ruined many-a-wedding night adventures. But don’t worry, there’s always Monopoly or Scrabble to save the night.

We had a snow-themed wedding, complete with the guests throwing fake snow at us when we left the reception. It was EVERYWHERE. I couldn’t get it out of my crevices, including ‘down there,’ and I had to take three showers to get it off of me. We also had to call housekeeping to bring us another set of sheets, because it was like sleeping on sand.”

This one is a classic case of ‘Over skill na him dey kill Ninja” How did they spray the fake snow that the thing reached inside ‘down there?’ I don’t envy the fellow that had to clean up the crevices, man!

Anyway, I think I should stop here and let y’all weigh in on this matter. Married folk, what did you get up to on your wedding night?  Unmarried folk, what do you have planned for your wedding night? Yes, I know man proposes and God laughs… sha, still share some of your wildest ideas of how you’re gonna throw down.

Finally, those of you who like to nudge newly married couples on their wedding day to hurry up and go have sex, it’s bad manners and shows lack of propriety. Go pay for porn subscription if you absolutely need to fulfil your 3rd party fantasies!

Photo Credit: Emmanuel Oyeleke

You probably wanna read a fancy bio? But first things first! Atoke published a book titled, +234 - An Awkward Guide to Being Nigerian. It's available on Amazon. ;)  Also available at Roving Heights bookstore. Okay, let's go on to the bio: With a Masters degree in Creative Writing from Swansea University, Atoke hopes to be known as more than just a retired foodie and a FitFam adherent. She can be reached for speechwriting, copywriting, letter writing, script writing, ghost writing  and book reviews by email – [email protected]. She tweets with the handle @atoke_ | Check out her Instagram page @atoke_ and visit her website atoke.com for more information.

99 Comments

  1. MamaD

    March 2, 2017 at 11:54 am

    Wedding night Sekis (sex) for me was very very painful (Team Mermaid at the time). In fact that after wedding week, the hooha was a no go zone.
    While wedding prep and the actual ceremonies were going on, I was having palpitations as thoughts of how sex will go.
    When the hooha express became free I took pictures of the stains for keeps. It’s worth looking at whenever we go through our early days pictures. 3 years in the business.

    1
    • Hotspice_yimu

      March 2, 2017 at 1:02 pm

      you have PICTURES?!!! and you look at them bloodied sheets? Why?

    • jabawale

      March 2, 2017 at 1:36 pm

      Sex with a virgin will be the worst day of your life.

    • Nito

      March 2, 2017 at 2:01 pm

      We were all virgins at one time in our life.

    • Pee Wee

      March 2, 2017 at 3:11 pm

      High five, dude! The experience leaves your business~end feeling sore, like someone went at you with sand paper. F- that.

    • Observe

      March 3, 2017 at 10:47 am

      Sorry Not related to your comment,

      Y’all going to do like you didn’t notice Atoke’s beautiful picture that was attached to this write up.

      Atoke you are looking lovely in that picture. Beautiful pishure, fine write up.

  2. Ade

    March 2, 2017 at 11:58 am

    Binged on IHOP pancakes and omelettes at 2 in the morning and slept off like a baby. best ever

    • Sherlie Holmes

      March 3, 2017 at 3:39 pm

      Amen to that Ade!!! IHOP pancakes are everythaaang!

  3. Oyinlola

    March 2, 2017 at 12:05 pm

    Lol… I’m single, not in a relationship but when I think of my wedding night, I see plenty of sleep. I’m most likely going to have a UK wedding and it will (preferably) be an evening wedding and for someone like me who’ll want to dance alot, Na sleep sure pass cos when I think if how late we’ll leave the reception and how tired I’ll be, I don’t think I’ll let Bros touch me. Also, I’m celibate and my legs are tightly closed like a mermaid’s and that’s how it will be during courtship so I don’t think I’ll want our first time together to be rushed or be when we are very tired.
    We can now wake up like 3am and start touching each other o, that one dey. Then we are both rested, wide awake and very ready (physically, mentally) to blow each others brains out.

    However, I’m not setting a very high expectation for our first time together cuz we are just knowing each others bodies, preferences, just exploring our bodies. From past experience, I know that I’m not usually relaxed the first few times with a partner so I’ll try to just enjoy the process

    • Bey

      March 2, 2017 at 10:47 pm

      When you’ve fallen in love and you meet that man that you guys can’t just keep your hands off each other. Come back and read this, and you’ll laught about it.
      I used to be like you a very long while ago, until that person came.
      Love changes everything that it isn’t even about you and the things “you” want anymore.
      I can remember sleeping with my husband, the first day we met physically. We had been talking on the phone for months due to distance and we’r already dating and fallen in love over the phone.
      If someone had told me I’ll do that shit the first time I met a guy physically I wld have shot the person for saying so.
      For my wedding night no matter how tired I was. I definitely did the do. Not marathon though.

  4. Fanya South

    March 2, 2017 at 12:27 pm

    After the wedding and the after wedding party, we were both knocked out and slept. I think we even didn’t have sex till like 2 days after the wedding.

  5. Suwa

    March 2, 2017 at 12:28 pm

    Let me read comments.
    Lovely piece Atoke

  6. Mic M

    March 2, 2017 at 12:28 pm

    My wedding is in about 7 months and I fully plan on having sex that very night. We will have been separated for more than a year when the wedding comes (work relocated me from the US to South Africa) , so it will definitely happen that night. I’m already imagining just how quick it will be because my guy doesn’t have much experience. I care not! It is going down. 🙂

  7. Soum

    March 2, 2017 at 12:29 pm

    Hmmmm….Sex ke, after all stress..walking in heels for hours (I flung my shoes at some point),the dancing, Mba ooo we went straight to bed and slept soundly..we even had thanksgiving the next day..

  8. Ariel

    March 2, 2017 at 12:33 pm

    Imagine waiting for a particular night after feeding a bunch of people you barely know to have sex. I find it quite hilarious. These things are fantasies that people try to act out in real life. Sexually active partners know there is nothing special so I don’t think there is any story they should have. As for those that have not had sex I really don’t think they should anticipate anything either. I mean they had ample time to know what it was before legally binding to themselves, so in light of their abstinence It is logical to assume sex is not that important to them and they would take whatever they get. Anyway I am not married and will never be but most of my friends that are married were already having sex way before they got marrried so their wedding nights were more like a continuation of other nights just with less money than they had the nights before because they spent money on a wedding. I have known few “virgins” who married only to find out that novels are exactly what they are, fiction! There was no soul binding love making rather there was extreme awkwardness and most times pain. I really don’t know much about wedding nights mostly because I don’t care but also Nigerians have so many “wedding” ceremonies that span a long time it is difficult to tell which was or ask about their “wedding night.”

    • Pablo

      March 2, 2017 at 1:44 pm

      “Anyway I am not married and will never be”

      why Ariel? Personal conviction? Heavenly revelation? No man? Hate men? dont like marriage as an institution? or what please?

    • Ariel

      March 2, 2017 at 2:39 pm

      @Pablo Marriage is quite pointless to me. I am very goal oriented and marriage for me has no goal. Its just years of putting up with crap to celebrate more years of putting up with crap. Marriage would give me nothing I don’t already have. And to be honest, it seems ridiculous promising to be with somebody for the rest of your life when you do not know what would have the next minute. Marriage ruined my mom and my sisters who refused to learn from mom. Besides I can’t be a wife, that tittle or whatever it is disgusts me and I don’t have the patience that comes with being one! I am a lady in her thirties who holds no religious convictions whatsoever, doesn’t like or want kids,very sexually active, surrounded immensely with self and family love(including my dogs) and extremely comfortable financially. So now I ask you what do I need marriage for?

    • Pablo

      March 2, 2017 at 4:05 pm

      Ariel, sorry about mum and your sisters…….
      @marriage ruined them, no they are not ruined! He makes all things to work for our good…even if they were at the bad side of the coin….Ariel, God will definitely turn it around for Mom and your sister’s good!

      @ Dont like kids, that is fine! There are some who don’t like to have that

      @ sexually active, that is good to know. The only problem with this is that even your boo get a boo! One partner, might have another partner, who also has another partner, thereby spreading all sorts. Wouldn’t be a nice idea to cut short ones life cos of any type of transmitted diseases that one could have had with ones spouse. From the Christian point of view, this isn’t right but as you said you dont care about spirituality, wouldn’t dwell on that

      @marriage is putting up with crap, no it isnt when you are with your partner/companion. Watch it, immediately Eve was brought to Adam, it was Adam who recognized her and said this is the flesh of my flesh and the bone of my bone. When you are with your person, it wouldnt be crap. This is not to say there wouldnt be quarrels and misunderstandings here and there (cos you both have different upbringings, exposures, socialization process, education, tribal values…) but they can be sorted out easily.

      @ what will it give you? Marriage is not meant to give you anything, especially monetary terms like most ladies have termed it to be,,,,by raising them up, i mean. Thank God you are financially okay but we dont go into marriage because we need money or what we can get from it.

      Marriage was instituted for the sole purpose of companionship! It is not good for a man to be alone!
      If you agree with me, a single tree can never make a forest!
      One individual can never make a Team or an organization in the work place!
      One person cant be a football team, playing against another, in sports!
      One person can never make a church, if it is only the pastor alone, in religious setting

      Each and everyone of use need each other for many reasons….and financial gains is just a branch of it…there are many sides to it!

      Also, you would agree with me that you are different from another girl, yea? The same way two girls aint the same, so also are men not the same. Mom and your sisters meeting those kind of men doesn’t mean yours will be like theirs cos in reality, YOUR OWN CASE IS DIFFERENT!

      I asked you because i wanted to know if it is a personal decision (which is fine by me) or it was motivated by some factors (some other close relatives’ experience)

      We will do ourselves much harm by living the life of another person. Our cases are different! You can live your own life different from another person’s own. If you wish to, go for it, if you don’t wish to, it is fine as well

      Regards dear!
      xoxoxo

    • Lady!

      March 2, 2017 at 5:20 pm

      This reply is for @ariel I promise I get like this sometimes because my biggest fear is for one man to come and stop my ambition and goals however, I’ve committed it to God because I believe if it’s the right person, these thoughts won’t cross my mind. Prayer is the key. Other times, I’m like why can’t we just be like Oprah have someone but no marriage. It crosses my mind and then I remind myself at the end of the day, only God’s Will will be done. I’m sorry to hear about your mum and sisters but no two stories are ever the same. That they married men who didn’t play their part doesn’t mean you will to. I respect you for knowing yourself though but time has a way of changing people

    • Alterego

      March 2, 2017 at 6:42 pm

      @Ariel and Pablo. Some days, I admit to myself that I don’t really want to get married. I would want to be in loving relationships, travel the world, enjoy my hobbies which include photography, Asian cooking and canoeing. There are days I come back from work knackered and I thank God I have no husband to get up to cook for. Or at night, nobody to wake me up for sex. My body and life are mine to control. As for kids, I love them, after all I am an educator. But. When I visit my cousin who has got crazy kids, I am glad for the oasis of calm that is my beautiful unmarried life where I can do as I like and come and go as I please. . I would like to have a child. My deepest fantasies is me having an already born kid of 4years old, not a surrogate birth, not adopted but mine. Only no pregnancy, no morning sickness, no labour and no breastfeeding, no crying and me trying to understand what is wrong. The kid should come to me as a 4year old. Am I a tad selfish or insane? I don’t know. But I will get married, have a kid or two. Not ready for my family to disown me yet.

    • Pamela

      March 2, 2017 at 5:52 pm

      Ariel honey, I’m sorry about whatever experiences you or people around you have had that’s led to your current convictions about marriage. Please bear in mind that marriage is a God ordained institution, the first institution starting with the first set of humans he created. Don’t talk about marriage like that please. God loves you…I’m single by the way… waiting to be found. I just keep praying not to make mistakes

    • Anon

      March 2, 2017 at 6:08 pm

      The bible said that marriage is not compulsory o. It’s only for if you can’t handle celibacy. Nigerians forever manipulating the bible to use and manipulate others

    • tunmi

      March 2, 2017 at 8:46 pm

      Will you guys leave @Ariel alone, haba what is it? 4 of you guys all on one person’s own personal decision. And essays too. @Pablo, na you worst pass.

      @Ariel, you are fine and there is nothing wrong with you or your decision. Your decision, whatever it is, is valid. The woman already said she’s not religious and you have people donating unsolicited religious advice.

  9. funmilola

    March 2, 2017 at 12:37 pm

    I pray not to get exhausted that day…
    I pray for strength to “do the do” very well….ah!, a night that I’ve been looking forward to, I can’t be tired ooo. Brymo’s song femi will usher in the do sef…
    let that day come

    • Nito

      March 2, 2017 at 2:13 pm

      Truth be told it is not only the night you have been waiting but it signifies the start of what you have been waiting for. If you are tired on that night, it is better to sleep and fire down in the morning (If not abeg fire down, nothing do you). I dey wait that day too but I am creating realistic expectation on what is ahead.

      PS. Everyone was once a virgin, we all get better with practice, sex in Marriage is for a life time and there is enough time for either both party or one of them to catch up, Besides for people having sex for the first time, you will still need to figure each other out.

    • AceOfSpades

      March 2, 2017 at 3:45 pm

      I always want to go to a fancy restaurant with my bride at the end of it all. Just eat over dinner and talk about things.

      Me and mine have had enough sex so if she isn’t too dramatic about the wedding night sex thing, let’s just hit a fancy restaurant and just talk talk talk and then go home and sleep.

      1
    • #Proudnigerian

      March 2, 2017 at 4:32 pm

      Choiiiiii I hope my bobo envisions the same??

  10. Wash

    March 2, 2017 at 12:39 pm

    I slept thru the night. All that weddings night sex na wash.

  11. Derin87

    March 2, 2017 at 12:40 pm

    Wedding night I was mad tired, but the booze was in the system so konji levels were high. It was quick sex and then sleep 😉

  12. The Real Oma

    March 2, 2017 at 12:42 pm

    Atoke, very interesting article. I don’t have any plans for my wedding night but some sweet lovemaking will be nice, but if we are too tired, better to sleep and not rush stuff as Oyinlola said.
    I have just learnt the term Mermaid in relation to celibate women…i think its cute.

    • Oyinlola

      March 2, 2017 at 1:24 pm

      @ The Real Oma, it’s “tie your legs together and pretend to be a mermaid “. It’s commonly used on SDK’s blog to describe celibacy. Don’t know the origin but I first heard it there

  13. shior

    March 2, 2017 at 12:43 pm

    i am definately a let me sleep. which body person wan take move? nah mehn

  14. Nammy

    March 2, 2017 at 12:47 pm

    Wedding night secks is a big no no for me. Besides we just acquired licence to do many things together amongst which is to have mind blowing secks if we wish.
    We have many years ahead starting from the next day after the marriage, so I guess I’ll just sleep on that first night

  15. FasholasLover

    March 2, 2017 at 12:48 pm

    Marathon ke? What’s dat? After all the stress leading up to and the whahala of Naija style wedding (Forget that it happened in the obodo Abroad and a decent sized invitees) It was as if it was my parents/whole family getting married no thx to being the last born? After the wedding, all we both wanted was to sleep. We just about managed to do the do which started my nine months course. (Horror??story for another day) I wonder what people think when they ask after a pregnancy is confirmed that “…but, it was only once!!

    • naana

      March 2, 2017 at 1:23 pm

      girl you are crazy, pls tell the story.
      thanks

  16. Deedee

    March 2, 2017 at 12:51 pm

    “For couples who have been sexually active, (either with each other, or with other people) the wedding night does not hold so much mystic.” not true for all. We still anticipate our wedding night. I was on my period and for some reason period stopped before reception. People wondered why I did not dance too much I was saving my strength ?. Hubby came to me with puppy eyes and asked if Aunt Flo had stopped. For some reason wedding night sex felt different

  17. Mixedrace

    March 2, 2017 at 12:52 pm

    We had marathon sex on my wedding night o. despite the fact that we left the after party at 12:00am; hubby still gave me time to soak myself in the bath tub before coming to bed. no, we were not virgins. #notimefortiredness. legs were literally shaking the morning after

    • skivingfromwork

      March 2, 2017 at 1:17 pm

      That man na calabar man

      1
    • Eka Emem

      March 2, 2017 at 4:22 pm

      Lol! O my days! The certainty that it has got to be a Calabar man ?

  18. mbok

    March 2, 2017 at 1:02 pm

    sleep ke? omo there is no sleep oh i have looked forward to it gone into the future self arrange all the settings. i haveplayed it over and over in my head. infact eh i’m going to learn all this slutty dance and twerk well for him with Bey Partition song. He cant even be feeling sleepy it is not allowed mbanu. He has experienced it me i havent o that night the p has to be drilled welle i dont care if it will be painful i will bear it all those scary talk aint for me at all. Ah we will pack all the lubs that night it has to open it must open and allow his D to slide in. mbok

    • gia

      March 2, 2017 at 3:40 pm

      He cant even be feeling sleepy it is not allowed mbanu

      AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!

    • spontaneous

      March 2, 2017 at 9:44 pm

      Ekaette herself is here too

      1
  19. Fabulous

    March 2, 2017 at 1:09 pm

    For me no sex on wedding night. I’m a virgin and I don’t intend to start consummation on a day when we are both tired. Nigerian weddings are stressful, the countless ceremonies, the dancing, abeg that night is for sleep. We have a lifetime to have sex, one day will not kill anybody.
    Moreover I believe the whole concept of wedding night sex is highly overrated. I always ask, must it be done that night? For me oh, no sex that night. I don’t want my first time to be from a tired body.

  20. Mz Socially Awkward....

    March 2, 2017 at 1:42 pm

    Atoke, your strikethrough is taking away my joy at reading this and has driven an ice pick through my heart. ☹️☹️

    We miss banter. Iz like you haff anoda somebri that you “use to” write for, nowadays. ?

  21. iyke

    March 2, 2017 at 1:46 pm

    ‘So, what is it exactly about wedding night sex that has got unmarried people full of anticipation?…
    What stupid sex on a wedding night when everyone is almost drunk . I will save the sex for the next day and get my beauty sleep. Need to relax to actually enjoy sex.

  22. bijouxthisbijouthat

    March 2, 2017 at 2:02 pm

    Most here are saying they slept in due to tiredness…
    Guess SDK wedding night commenters are different from BN, most stories that are sent in swear they had the most bombastic sex ever!!

    • Idomagirl

      March 2, 2017 at 4:44 pm

      You believed those fantasies? LMAO.

    • Amel

      March 3, 2017 at 10:40 am

      I had great sex on my wedding night. Reception over, we got back to our hotel room and I wanted to just chill in my wedding dress.
      Before I knew what was happening le hubs had me out of it and we made love on our luxurious hotel room bed, on the floor too. Even tried new positions and I came gloriously.
      By the time uninvited friends barged in to drag us to the after party, I was a blushing bride in my bathrobe. I felt like there was a neon sign on my forehead that read I just had two rounds of sex and I loved it.
      No, it wasn’t the first time but it was veeerrryyy SPECIAL.
      There’s something about committing to the right someone that just ups the ante.

  23. chique

    March 2, 2017 at 2:03 pm

    I came into the hotel room with tiredness and aching feet on our wedding night. When we wanted to have our beauty sleep we realized that 3. Bags of Ghana must go bags containing the money that was sprayed us was smuggled to go with us by my sister, sleep vanish. Nobodys mind went to sex sef. Except its not a typical port Harcourt wedding. Sex was 2 nights later. ….12 years and still counting

  24. I love my husband

    March 2, 2017 at 2:06 pm

    Hubby and I did not have sex before wedding, we decided we would wait based on our christian values and we also wanted it to feel special after wedding. Our wedding ceremony was in Ibadan where my parents live, hubby and I got to the hotel at about 5pm after the reception ended and having to say plenty thank you’s and good byes to our friends that were heading back to Lagos, we were quite tired. I immediately took off my wedding dress and viola into a pair of bum short and top..lol.. I think we were too much of friends and I didn’t really think I needed to be forming sexy wifey on wedding night..lol, I was just myself. Guess what my hubby said, babe oya bring out the cash (cash we were sprayed), make we count the money..lol…so we started counting money o, imagine, on wedding night, we both sat on the bed and was counting money and getting excited with the numbers..lol…then we decided to eat, we didn’t get a chance to eat at the wedding so my caterer had packed food and plenty meat for us in coolers, we ate and drank and was like so we are married. Then it was getting late and things were getting steamy..*wink wink*. Oga then pulled me to himself and started cuddling and smooching, in short sha, we had what I will call pre-sex that night…lol, after the pre-sex, we took our baths and decided to drive out of the hotel, we dressed casually and headed to University of Ibadan to one of my favorite suya spot those days, we got back to the hotel, cuddled up and slept off, we were both tired..lol. The next morning was the D-DAY when we DID IT…hahahaha.. and 5 years after, we are still very much in love. i hope you all enjoyed my epistle..*big smile*

    • iyke

      March 2, 2017 at 2:27 pm

      ‘Guess what my hubby said, babe oya bring out the cash (cash we were sprayed), make we count the money..lol
      – Recouping his investment…????
      Doesn’t that really defeat the whole essence of marriage? have nothing against that culture but am actually not expecting anyone to spray me money on my wedding day. I don’t like that idea. If you have gifts/envelops to give, thanks..otherwise just be happy for us and wish us well.

    • Fear God

      March 2, 2017 at 2:33 pm

      Oga wanting to count money does not defeat the essence of a MARRIAGE. See as you have just gone over the top over spraying of money.

    • Mz Socially Awkward....

      March 2, 2017 at 4:37 pm

      Hian… Iyke. It’s like you and I aren’t having our fantasy BN wedding after all’s said and done, Shuo? No spraying of money, ke? When I want to see that famous money gun aimed squarely in my direction and pumping out valuable forex whilst I boogie away on the dance floor??? …& it better not be filled with £1 coins… *side eyes*

      On the real though, I think sitting-down-together-to-count-money-in-the-comfort-of-your-honeymoon-suite (even on the acclaimed wedding night) is the sort of thing you’d basically do with a friend. And isn’t that what weddings are meant to fully institute in the long run? This happy-ever-after beginning for two hopeful souls entering a committed relationship as friends and lovers (in fact, na this be the securest form of “friends-with-benefits”)? 🙂

      Stop doing too much nyanga, joh…. some of my uncles “wee” bring dollars to spray us, hope you will not be “franking” face for them. 😉

    • bebe

      March 2, 2017 at 5:08 pm

      Ikye….”live a little”.. don’t always be so hard on yourself reading btw lines life is too short you hear?

    • iyke

      March 2, 2017 at 6:35 pm

      Mz Socially Awkward – oh sweetheart, I thought we agreed on an intimate wedding this year. Well, whatever you say…. you are already gorgeous in your glory. And am sure you will be gorgeous in that wedding gown as we are being sprayed with too much money. Anything for you my love, anything for you.
      @bebe ‘live a little you say ??? Am off to Patagonia in two weeks to hike and climb the mountains. That’s what I call ‘Living a little’.
      It’s all about perspective hun!

    • The Real Oma

      March 2, 2017 at 4:12 pm

      Yup, enjoyed it, thanks for sharing.

  25. Marian

    March 2, 2017 at 2:15 pm

    We both knew sex on our wedding night was def not gonna be happening. We had a one day event. Not even sure i got up to 2hrs of sleep the night before.

    I do not recommend it for virgins. Yall better sleep, relax and take it slow the next day or even week sef. Dear Virgins, since we are on the topic, please buy lubricant ( i recommend silicone based). Do not try penetration without first assessing with fingers. It helps to stretch you out a little and get familiar with it.

    It is not uncommon for penetration to be almost impossible at first. That’s why i recommend stretching with fingers first. It may take a few days, weeks before penetration is possible and that’s okay. Relax and Enjoy the journey. Yall better get busy learning what makes you and your spouse tick.

    Forget hollywood, create your own wow. Sex gets better with time. You may also need more than just penetration to climax.

    • Fabulous

      March 2, 2017 at 3:12 pm

      Marian, thank you for the advice.

    • "changing moniker"

      March 2, 2017 at 4:38 pm

      Thank you.

    • Mo

      March 2, 2017 at 6:49 pm

  26. Ajala & Foodie

    March 2, 2017 at 3:30 pm

    I on the other hand, thought I was going to sleep. In fact, my spouse was quick to tell anyone (with a “wink or snide comment) that it was not happening that night. So there I was confident in the fact that it was not going to go down that night, so I was able to relax during the whole ceremony (we were both new to the whole sex deal I.e virgins). Only, for us to get to hotel room and my dear hubby would not let me sleep ooo. I slowly watched my vision of a peaceful night slowly sail out the window.

    I was not bent on wedding night sex (truth be told, I did not want it) but that was what I ended up with. I would still pick sleep over trying to figure all of that stuff out after an entire day of activities and dancing, if it were all up to me.

    • My men.

      March 2, 2017 at 3:34 pm

      Me and you husband will get along just well. lol.

    • Mz Socially Awkward....

      March 2, 2017 at 4:49 pm

      El Oh El…. ?

      A friend of mine started coming down with symptoms of a cold by the evening of her wedding day (thanks to all the stress of planning it) and she had the same kind of assurance and faith in the restraint of her husband, that you did. However, and like yours, her testimony changed before the day ended.

      I think these men just act uninterested (my friend was also a virgin on her wedding night) to lure you into a relaxed state so that they can strike without warning. ?

    • Mo

      March 2, 2017 at 6:50 pm

      Strike without warning??????

  27. Rubby

    March 2, 2017 at 3:32 pm

    Atoke is back yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay

  28. Oscar

    March 2, 2017 at 3:36 pm

    After dancing like say tomorrow no dey at the reception. We had to recover some money from the spraying guests. We crashed immediately after taking a shower. The honey moon sex was liit though

  29. Married almost a year

    March 2, 2017 at 3:55 pm

    Hubby and I were in a long distance relationship before we got married so we never really got enough of each other while dating, So wedding night sex was a must for me. After reception we got the hotel and poured all the cash and envelopes on the bed, ordered room service (they forgot the food they packed for us at the hall), and started counting our money. We were both so tired so we locked the uncounted cash away and took a shower and just crashed. Hubby woke up at around 2:30am and we got to “doing”. That was all we did the next day too, room service – sex – sleep till about 5pm we turned on our phones on and everyone started calling us. We finished counting our cash at some point and here we are. Still discovering new things about what makes us happy.

  30. Tinuke

    March 2, 2017 at 4:06 pm

    After wedding. we shared a bottle of wine – drank straight from the bottle. smoked a joint , ate asun and we really had EPIC sex and a baby 9months and 8 days after.

    5 years married and we still do this every now and then.

  31. Uniquima

    March 2, 2017 at 4:35 pm

    I actually plan on having a warm bath I mean in a jaccuzi (abi how is the thing spelt sef). Ehehn, after my bath, the next thing is to sleep o. Not because we’ve had sex before but my sister, I envision me needing some rest. Coupled with the fact that I’m not getting an escape route from the thanksgiving that awaits me the next morning either in his church or my parent’s. We have like forever to do this, why rush? (I’m hoping I don’t have to make that statement to him though)

  32. fol

    March 2, 2017 at 4:38 pm

    My period started that morning, so there was no wedding night sex. I was happy cos I actually didn’t want to have sex that night anyways. After thanksgiving on Sunday, we left for our honeymoon..and it happened there..far away from prying eyes and those who wanted gist..lol. Lovely memories! 6 years and counting.

    1
  33. BUSOLA

    March 2, 2017 at 4:50 pm

    I cried through every round… I guess I was overcome by emotions

  34. Seriously

    March 2, 2017 at 4:55 pm

    Well, I’m not married. But knowing how I don’t like to be rushed and do quickies, I will definitely wait till I’m in the mood for it. I want to relax and enjoy it.
    Hopefully hubby will be on the same page . My ex was sex crazy, always horny and wants it more compared to my current bf. He’s more chilled and not more into cuddling and foreplay.

  35. someone

    March 2, 2017 at 5:25 pm

    So I did not have sex on my wedding night or a month after that. Loool! My story is a very funny one. We traveled to the east for the wedding and we did everything together, trad, white wedding, idu ulo (send forth for the lady), Amalumuzo ogo(going to know the guys home) and Nnabata iyom ( welcoming the bride into the clan). Igbo people will get these ceremonies well. Omo for one week after the white wedding na marriage related activities we dey do. So we didn’t even have the time nor the strength cos each new day was a new activity. we always went to bed exhausted. We tried it didnt enter. We just decided to leave it till we got to Lagos. We will just gist o till sleep carry one person like when we were dating. The night before we left for our honeymoon from gist we entered play, Hubby tried to penetrate no show o, he really tried o, the thing was very painful. He tried harder but the thing was becoming very painful o. I was a virgin. He also was a novice as he had only had sex with someone when he was 16, he wasn’t even sure as the older lady guided him. Omo the thing was quite painful that I remember asking him “Babe are you sure that you are putting it in the right hole?” he replied “I think so let me look” You think so?! Haaa! Looool! He used torch to shine omo by then we both lost the urge. We traveled for Honeymoon each time we tried, No show..once my hubby sees me biting my lips to take the pain he will just stop and start cuddling me, I will tell him to continue o he will say lets leave it babe we will try tomorrow, you are hurting. Chai! Google did not even help. vaginismus or something was always coming up.
    One night I asked him, “Is the place sealed?, Look well.. He tried looking he brought up his head and answered me with a confused face..” I don’t know o” we will go to the hospital..Chai! I was nearly beside my self with worry, we googled, I told him to look, he was even tired of putting his hand to check cos even trying to insert finger was painful. I cant tell if this pain was psychological or real but to me it was real o..Loool! So a doctor friend of his skyped him from Germany to Congratulate us o. He asked me if he should tell the lady, I said tell her o, we have big problem here.. Loool! The lady laughed and recommended lubricant. In fact I konked myself mentally. I have always read about people using lubricants but it never occurred to me that we might need it. So we decided to leave the whole sex matter and focus on enjoying our vacation cos that one no be honeymoon again, the issue was really stressing both of us out. After 2 weeks we went back to naija. We got back to naija on Sunday and we both resumed work on Monday. As at that Monday no show yet. See How people were hailing me,talking about how wedding night was and the rest. Omo how I wan tell this people that no show. I just laugh and say na so o, the laugh I laugh was ominous cos I kept telling myself, If only these people knew.. Saturday of the week that we returned Hubby had already brought the lubricant and we tried it, it pain shaa o but it later entered Hubby just shouted “Jackpot!” We laughed o sotey we come even forget say we won do the do..Lol! We were so relieved, we just cuddled and slept. At the beginning it was quite awkward cos we were both novices. We practiced abstinence before marriage and somehow I took it for granted that my hubby go sabi na. At least most guys used to live life before becoming born again. The guy said after that his first attempt he got born again and steered clear of sex. I was surprised but today hahahahahaha We don dey soji o. My advice to couples who believe in abstinence is to talk about how much knowledge each other has so that una no go mumu like us. Cos our problem was pure ignorance.

    • Grace

      March 2, 2017 at 7:14 pm

      Chai… you are quite the story teller.. see me following where this will end. X

    • The Real Oma

      March 2, 2017 at 8:06 pm

      Omg, @Someone, your story had me rolling, what!? So so funny and enlightening, thank you for sharing.
      It is obvious you and your hubby are friends cos you had fun learning together even in the mist of the frustrations. Choi, i hope i won’t be that tight sha, lol

    • funmilola

      March 2, 2017 at 11:16 pm

      see the way I followed your gist word for word. yours is truly an experience… thanks for the enlightenment.

    • mmmmmmm

      March 8, 2017 at 9:50 am

      Hahahahahahahahaha Your story telling is top notch. I remember also asking my hubby to check if it’s the right hole cos in my mind I was thinking this man wants to scatter my uri.. passway. Loool

  36. Nk

    March 2, 2017 at 5:52 pm

    I was on my period so we just counted the money sprayed on us, ate and slept.

  37. Pamela

    March 2, 2017 at 6:10 pm

    Hmmm *trying to paint a pocket in my head* I think we’ll just sleep after a wa bath together,then, do the do in the early hours of the morning when we are well rested. Early morning sex is the bammest!!! Always has been, always will be! *side eyes at virgins*

  38. Pamela

    March 2, 2017 at 6:10 pm

    *Paint a picture…*

  39. Dee-dee

    March 2, 2017 at 6:23 pm

    We both got married as virgins. I was not looking forward to having sex on our first night, whereas le boo was literally asking me in church if i remember to pack the KY Jelly and i remember him whispering to my ears that ” wa fe ku la le yi”… Thankfully, my friends had helped in counting our money so i didnt have to bother my head about it. We tried several times, omo the “thing” no enter o. I remember my husband asking me ” where is the hole sef”…lol . I had friends who came up with lots of advice on how I should use my lubricants. did that work? na!!!.. one of my friends said i try “cowgirl style”… .needless to say that was the wrongest move ever. I died and i came back.

    After five days of trying, he finally gained entry. I cried my eyes out, le boo was wiping my tears even in the act and was telling me he will be gentle. My legs was just shaking like a slaughtered cow…lol. Of course, my sister was yearning for gist. I send her a picture of my blood stained tissue and the next thing she would say is ‘praise God..”..Lol

    Few months after, we are still trying to discover ourselves and our body and what works for us. Not there yet, but it can only get better.

  40. Dee

    March 2, 2017 at 6:28 pm

    I was one of those few ones who had sex on the wedding night oh. I was a virgin and I had expected that we would be too tired on the wedding night. Hmmm for where? I had gotten one bad ass negligee for my wedding night and when my husband who had never seen me naked saw it, he could not resist the temptation lol.
    We ended up doing it that night although I believe the pain is overrated or my husband was just particularly gentle with loads of lube to help as well. It was not bad though definitely not the best or worst sex I’ve had in my married years. The sex in the days after was worse as I was super sore, the only consolation was my friend who told me to keep again it and it will get better. It sure did.

  41. Chynwa

    March 2, 2017 at 7:13 pm

    I have pezonally missed u Mz SA. wia hv u bn? U only comment when Atoke writes abi? I see what u are doing… Happy New year sha

    • Mz Socially Awkward....

      March 2, 2017 at 11:40 pm

      Eeewo, e didn’t be like that oh, my BN sisterly. Na accusation sef wey I carry come give Atoke, no be even comment *side eyes at Atoke…. somewhat affectionate side eyes, sha*

      And do you feel flushed from reading most of these comment? Oh my days, I feel hella flushed ☺️…. Y’all shared some interesting real life stories! ?? And we truly enjoyed reading them all – honest, funny and barefaced facts of the matter. To @someone, bless you and your husband – you were both champs, the way you got on with other things in life in spite of those first few weeks.

      See why Atoke/BN needs to bring back banter? ?

  42. Tutu

    March 2, 2017 at 8:37 pm

    There are a lot of books to help virgins or newly married couples generally. Sheet Music by Kevin Leman, Act of Marrage by Tim and Beverly Lahaye, A good girl’s guide to great sex by Sheila Greigore. Get knowledge. There’s even the Art of Kissing by William Caine for kissing virgins or people that want to learn to kiss better. There’s no need for virgins to be ignorant on your wedding night again. All the best!

    • Lo

      March 2, 2017 at 9:05 pm

      Very true,,, it’s important to get enlightened.

    • Olusola

      March 2, 2017 at 11:54 pm

      You must be a sex therapist. Pa pa pa, clap for the Pro.

    • The real dee

      March 3, 2017 at 12:50 am

      Tutu, forget that one o. Book knowledge is different from the real thing, just like theory is different from practice. I married a virgin and was well versed on sex as i had read a lot such that I could give a lecture on “Finding that G-spot”, “20 different sex positions”, “Orgasm 101”. I even read the article by that handsome doctor on BN on ‘how to disvirgin a woman’.

      But when the time came, for 4 good months, we kept trying but my husband couldn’t disvirgin me o. All the knowledge in my head was useless. Like other women here, I kept asking, ‘Are you sure you have the right hole’? He will even use phone torchlight to assure me he’s putting it there. But the pain was so horrendous, I would scream and push him away. It took a lot of begging to even get me to just stay still, KY Jelly didn’t take the pain away and i just had to stifle my tears and screaming so he could go in. After the first try, I was so afraid of his enormous genitalia, I doubted it was made from the size of my own vajajay.

      When he eventually broke the hymen, sex wasn’t fun for me. It took a couple of sexual encounters to start enjoying it to the point of desiring it. And after getting pregnant a couple of months later,i’m back to square 1 after giving birth as it has become painful again and I feel like a virgin all over.

      So there’s so little you can do with book knowledge without having the experience. Of course i’m not encouraging pre-marital sex but a virgin shouldn’t have high expectations about sex,it’s not exactly the way its painted in movies or books. You just need a lot of patience and practice in marriage and understanding what works for you.

  43. Lo

    March 2, 2017 at 9:07 pm

    Really enjoying all the personal stories and experiences in the comments section… each one is so different yet relatable.

  44. Nana San

    March 2, 2017 at 10:08 pm

    The myth about those who’ve had sex before not feeling expectant is just total bs…
    In counseling (not 9ja church o)the question had come up and I pushed for hubby to answer first. I still remember cos it give me the thingles till we got to his, he said he’d always wanted a break period just before his wedding and then he was going to lay out a romantic setting and make sweet legal sex with his wife. People of God Man is still true to his word, we took a 31 days appreciation time off sex before the wedding and daily wrote to each other and recited it at night over the phone saying what the other meant to each, by the time we were giving our vows I knew I’d married my best friend,,, him & his buddies arranged our hotel home to look like our crib in the states and even though we were in lag it was so beautiful,,, but oga made the ramming epic, omg wanna try taking the words “this bed is undefiled”?, we told everyone what we did on our anniversary to help couples make their marriage night special even though they’d had sex before, don’t let the devil rub you of that pleasure, there’s this sparkle legally knocking gives you abeg, it’s still one of my best nights but if there’s no plan please don’t hold your partner to ransome, we talked about it for 31 days so we saw it and felt it and lived it, no matter what you did, hope you’re having a happy married life. I wish you well

  45. Oma D

    March 2, 2017 at 10:47 pm

    The myth about those who’ve had sex before not feeling expectant is just total bs…
    In counseling (not 9ja church o)the question had come up and I pushed for hubby to answer first. I still remember cos it give me the thingles till we got to his, he said he’d always wanted a break period just before his wedding and then he was going to lay out a romantic setting and make sweet legal sex with his wife. People of God Man is still true to his word, we took a 31 days appreciation time off sex before the wedding and daily wrote to each other and recited it at night over the phone saying what the other meant to each, by the time we were giving our vows I knew I’d married my best friend,,, him & his buddies arranged our hotel home to look like our crib in the states and even though we were in lag it was so beautiful,,, but oga made the ramming epic, omg wanna try taking the words “this bed is undefiled”?, we told everyone what we did on our anniversary to help couples make their marriage night special even though they’d had sex before, don’t let the devil rub you of that pleasure, there’s this sparkle legally knocking gives you abeg, it’s still one of my best nights but if there’s no plan please don’t hold your partner to ransome, we talked about it for 31 days so we saw it and felt it and lived it, no matter what you did, hope you’re having a happy married life. I wish you well

  46. Kwaliti Babe

    March 3, 2017 at 4:05 am

    It was fun reading all the comments. I really did enjoy reading everyone contribution. So honest and real.
    I and my husband had waited for our wedding night to have sex. It was while we left the reception I told the Aunty driving us home that I needed to get family planning bills, since we weren’t ready to have kids immediately. Trust those spiritual aunties, she told me, I don’t need them I should just pray and ask God to withhold conception. She took us to her house to rest and allow the crowd his parents home to reduce before We arrive. Bobo couldn’t keep his hand off me, I refused. I wasn’t going to have a quick one at someone’s house.
    We eventually got down to it much later after all the dancing and partying in the family house. (He had his own apartment next to the family house) I had read a lot of books about sex prior to the wedding night so it wasn’t that painful.

    N.B Aunty flo should not prevent or stop anything. 22 years after we are better at sex, and if we are high on it, Aunty flo isn’t a barrier! ????

  47. Ms Extra

    March 3, 2017 at 6:35 am

    I’m certain I’d be team sleep, my wedding is in about 6 weeks. Fiance already knocked me up so what sex does he want to have again?

  48. keller_mcdave

    March 3, 2017 at 8:55 am

    Atoke beautiful write up! Comments so interesting (sweet) to read. I had so much fun giggling… Gosh! Why do I like sex talk like this?

  49. keller_mcdave

    March 3, 2017 at 9:16 am

    Well… I am only 25 but I am almost too certain there will be some slow love making, especially in the warm bath tub/ jacuzzi thrusting in and out softly, smooching the stress out over a very well equalize jazz,good lighting plus a fine wine. I hate to waste all that tipsyness and joy. Ohhh I can’t wait laaawwd! Love please come to me!

  50. Amel

    March 3, 2017 at 11:22 am

    Ladies get in here.
    There’s no reason your period should ruin your honeymoon.
    I took a pill 2 days before expected period and and it delayed its onset. When you’ve had your fun, stop taking it and your period will commence.
    Pls ask your physician and it’s not something to be taken routinely as it alters your hormones.

  51. Marian

    March 3, 2017 at 2:00 pm

    BN release my comment o!

  52. bimbylads

    March 6, 2017 at 12:47 pm

    Atoke oo!! U and your wonderful way of getting a riot into the comment section!! Lol. Our wedding night ehn..Infact, the sleep that I slept, e no get part two. after dancing on high heels for like 10 hours… to now be holding body for what na? no way. my sleep ez veri important! The next day ehen, him and I could now communicate on that level. hehe.

  53. durodola olumayokun

    March 23, 2017 at 3:06 pm

    was too tired to do anything , until 3 days after

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Tangerine Africa


Star Features

css.php