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Bleed Blue: So We Can Be Better Mothers-In-Law

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My Mother-In-Law is a terrorist abeg!

This was Mosun’s lamentation over lunch last Friday. I laughed at what I hoped was an exaggeration and then asked what her MIL (“MIL” used interchangeably here with Mother-In-Law) had done to deserve this rather harsh label. It turns out her MIL had decided that her son, his wife (Mosun) and their kids MUST start attending her own church, because her Bishop is “specially anointed” and has “unparalleled spiritual gifts”.

It didn’t matter that Mosun and family live in Ajah and the church is in Isolo. It didn’t matter that for the last 9 years of their marriage, Mosun and her family were already embedded as workers and were very happy in their own neighborhood church. Mosun’s hubby never saw the need to question his mother’s choices so that was that. New Sunday routine. Isolo straight.

My issue isn’t with Mosun’s hubby or his approach, that’s another story for another day. My issue is with mothers who just won’t let peace reign in their sons’ homes.

A lot of our mothers have bitter stories about their own mothers-in-law. You would think they’d therefore be more sensitive and do their best to ensure the cycle doesn’t continue, but no. This does not appear to be the case at all.

I have at least 50 unpleasant stories I could share but I’ll tell just a few, for lack of space and time.
I know of one MIL who came to the U.K. ostensibly for duties of Omugwo (the period just after birth when either of the couple’s moms comes over for a few weeks/months to assist with adjusting to the new baby). Once her son leaves for work, she starts to rain verbal abuse on her daughter-in-law. She shouts about how much money her son spoils her with, how bad her cooking is, how she knows it must be witchcraft that makes her son not see he married a useless woman, how nobody in their family had a C-section until her son’s wife came along to dilute the Hebrewness they were all well admired for etc. Every day the hubby returned from work, he’d see his wife with red eyes and a puffy face from all the crying. Wife never exposed the truth; she told him it was probably hormonal imbalances. Hubby had his own hunches and decided to be an investigator.

One day, he pretended to drive to work, but crept back on foot to stand by the window. And then he heard it all, the unprovoked insults from his mother and the teary pleas from his wife. He immediately stepped in and asked his mum why. She said his wife was over pampered and needed to be taught a lesson. He tried to reason with her for 2 days and when nothing was working, he booked the next flight back to Nigeria for her.

Another MIL showed up, again for Omugwo, and as soon as her son travelled out of town, she made her daughter-in-law her virtual slave, demanding freshly cooked meals daily from her, monitoring her every movement and doing absolutely nothing to help with the baby or around the house.

More recently, I have a friend who’s having some marital issues. She’s not as sexual as her hubby would like (she acts borderline frigid to be honest). He got a girlfriend, she found out, she confronted him, they got into a fight and he moved back to his mum’s house in anger.

Now the trip is, his mum is just so excited to have her son back home and is therefore doing everything to foster more hostility between the couple. We, the friends, are perplexed. We genuinely believe there’s still something to be salvaged in this marriage. They still love each other. They have a beautiful kid together. Things can be worked through but his mum is like “nah, let my son remain here jare”. Hian! This kind of mother-in-law ehn…

Having said all the above, I also know not all daughters-in-law are blameless. Some go into a marriage battle ready with pre-conceived notions, threatening advance fire and brimstone to their in-laws. For this reason, they just can’t be cordial. The love can’t flow. And where love doesn’t flow… wahala…

On the flip side of all of this, I know of some fortunate ladies who have a beautiful relationship with their mothers-in-law; even going as far as saying they feel more comfortable with their MILs than their own mothers. Sadly these are in the minority, as most of the stories I’ve heard from friends and colleagues centre on the Nollywood-Patience-Ozokwor-type experiences.

Now my questions are:
– How many of us women reading this, knowing the vicious circle that exists in this mother-in-law matter, think that we must make a conscious effort to beat the stereotype and do better?

– It’s beautiful that we seem to be placing more and more emphasis on women supporting women in business, in politics and in general enterprise, but what about at home?

– How can we continue to berate men for the increasing cases of domestic abuse but neglect the part we play in emotionally abusing our fellow women? (Chei! I’m just hoping that John and Paul Adeyemo don’t jump on this train, na beg I dey beg una.)

– How is it that the husbands and the fathers-in-law don’t seem to have widespread stories of these issues that we wives and mothers-in-law tend to have? What are they doing right?

I have 2 sons. I’ve started preparing myself mentally, spiritually, emotionally, intellectually and every other way possible, to try my hardest to be a friend to their future wives. I know I have no control over the character of the women they’ll choose to marry, so I also include this aspect in my prayers and just hope for the best.

A few years back, I told a pal about praying for my sons’ wives and the relationship I will have with them and she started to laugh. She said I needed to chill; “it’s too early to think that far ahead”. I personally do not think so.

For an issue that’s reared its ugly head for decades, centuries even…for an issue that’s so deeply ingrained in our society that you hear some women declare in a most sinister way, that they can’t wait for their sons to get married so they too can reap the “rewards” of subservient daughters-in-law, or young women who say they hope they end up with a husband whose mum isn’t alive (yes I’ve heard this said!), I really don’t think it’s too early to start undoing the mindset, in myself and in anyone I can preach to.

Sometimes I think that if you’re a naturally considerate person, then this shouldn’t be a problem for you. I consider myself to be one, BUT then again, because I’ve seen the sweetest women suddenly turn into raging vampires with their daughters-in-law, I won’t take chances. I will make a deliberate effort, starting from now, to mentally prepare myself to do better and be better.

My BN family, please share your unbiased thoughts. I’d love to hear your experiences too.
Much love X

Photo Credit: Dreamstime

Bleed Blue is Christian. She’s a wife, mom of two boys and a practicing oil and gas lawyer. She also dabbles in photography and her work has been featured in local and international press. She loves the drums and plays them till her hands hurt. She’d love to see a better Nigeria in her generation and in the meantime is doing what she can to make the next person’s life more bearable. She owns a blog, but will not tell what it’s called. Call it shyness.

84 Comments

  1. "changing moniker"

    March 23, 2017 at 3:16 pm

    I pray for my MIL that she’ll be a great woman. And I pray for my mum too that she’ll be a great MIL…..

  2. Abiola

    March 23, 2017 at 3:22 pm

    I agree with you on that prayer. My son is 7 years old soon to be 8 and I pray that when it is time for me to let him go and be his own person, that God gives me the strength to do so and trust in the upbringing I have given him. I also pray to accept his gf/wife as my daughter and back off when need be. No one is above this and I am happy we are starting to see the trend and doing something about it.

  3. esther

    March 23, 2017 at 3:25 pm

    what of sister in-law? i have heard of scary stories of MIL and SIL. 25 and single, i love my freedom!!! hope future hubby has all brothers. still can’t escape the mil drama. i just want a peaceful home.

    • Blueberry

      March 23, 2017 at 6:27 pm

      Giiiiiiiiirl SILs are even worst. Especially those with no husbands of their own and are somehow scorned because of that. They come at you like it was your fault, they have no homes of their own.

  4. Adunnie

    March 23, 2017 at 3:31 pm

    “How can we continue to berate men for the increasing cases of domestic abuse but neglect the part we play in emotionally abusing our fellow women? ” GBAM!
    “It’s beautiful that we seem to be placing more and more emphasis on women supporting women in business, in politics and in general enterprise, but what about at home?” GBAMMEST!!
    BleedBlue you’re too much abeg. It’s not too early to start praying for your daughter’s-in-law. I’ve started praying for my MIL. I plan to love her like she were my mother and I pray she loves me like her daughter…. The drama between DIL and MIL really needs to stop. It’s not helping anyone.

    • Bleed Blue

      March 23, 2017 at 5:07 pm

      Adunnie, thank you dear.

      And you’re so right. It needs to stop!!!

    • a

      March 27, 2017 at 2:14 pm

      Bleed Blue, this is a very well written article – I really liked the way you took us through your thought process without waffling. I fully agree with your analysis on the situation and an interesting question to ask is why mums have a bigger issue letting go of their sons than their daughters. It is interesting that this MIL issue isn’t unique to Africa oh, it is all over the world. It is less pronounced in Europe because the nuclear family is very isolated from extended

  5. Deleke

    March 23, 2017 at 3:33 pm

    The very first story is exactly like mine. Wifey was cooking, carrying the car seat, cleaning etc after her CS and MIL (My mom) was aware of this and we hoped she will be of great help. Fa Fa Fa Fowl.. Quiet woman (or so I thought) until after dear wife told me all she went through. I Didn’t make a fuss, she went back and six months later she said she was coming again. Told her we have moved from the country to Canada, and when we settle we will invite her. We didn’t move and we haven’t invited her over, That was 4 years ago. Matter of fact, I cut her off and she has realized how she overstepped and keeps sending people (siblings) to apologize. Who cares, we have been enjoying our peace and marriage ever since.

    • Nito

      March 23, 2017 at 3:55 pm

      Well, its good you stood up for your wife, now it time to mend the crack between the both of them, don’t throw away the baby with the bath water, don’t cut off your mum totally as she is and will always be your mum. You have disciplined your mum, now it is time to repair the relationship. Wishing you the best of luck.

    • Bleed Blue

      March 23, 2017 at 4:25 pm

      Hmmm Nito, I’m with you on this one.

      @Deleke, much as I have absolute respect for any man who stands up for his wife in the face of MILs that refuse to act right, I think cutting her off may be a little too harsh.
      I don’t mean to be morbid, but imagine you lost her today (God forbid and may she live long to see her great-grandchildren and beyond), but really just imagine this for a second…would you think the total disconnection was worth it?

      There’s a MIL that poisoned her DIL. She literally put rat poison in her food! Luckily DIL didn’t die and MIL wasn’t reported to the police because it’s family and these things can be tricky. Now in that situation, Deleke, I would support any amount of cutting off. In fact, move her to another planet if possible.

      I do understand your discontent with your mum, in fact I don’t just understand, I’ve lived it. However unless there’s way more to the story, then I beg you to please give things a little 2nd thought.
      Please na 🙂

    • Deleke

      March 23, 2017 at 5:27 pm

      Thanks Bleed Blue for your comment. You are entitled to your own opinion but its a pity you do not know the full story. Shebi, u talked about rat poison, that could be treated in the hospital. What about diabolic poison, put in my wife’s food that caused her to miscarry 3 pregnancies? Everywhere doctor we went to said they could not see any reason why she was miscarrying. Every pastor we went to kept saying there was a strongwoman in my life doing this, at first I thought it was an ex-girlfriend or something until an MFM pastor boldly told me it was my mother and offered we go through deliverance. After the 3 day program, you need to see the scary things that she excreted and by the grace of God, we have delivered our baby.
      When tasked, who would I choose? My wife is my all and I backed her up. How will I look her in the face knowing what my mom did to her? She has forgiven n forgotten but I am still ashamed of what my mom did. Had to cut her off

    • Bleed Blue

      March 23, 2017 at 5:54 pm

      Ewooo! Deleke, wow!.

      First of all, I’m so sorry about the miscarriages. I’ve also had 3 and those things hurt the soul! So so sorry.

      Back to your mum, now that you’ve shared some more (and I imagine there’s probably a lot more) I see why you felt the need to cut her off.

      I can never understand why people harm the ones they’re supposed to love and I agree that when one’s physical or emotional well being is so seriously threatened, then e reach to go AWOL.

      Your wife sounds like a gem. I wish you both a continued blissful marriage. ❤

    • Gwen

      March 23, 2017 at 4:05 pm

      Dear Deleke,

      First of all, God bless you! For standing up for your wife and doing what was necessary for peace to reign in your home.

      Please do you have a brother who perhaps you mentor?

    • Deleke

      March 23, 2017 at 4:09 pm

      Yes I have a brother, I do not mentor him as he is a 28 year old man who I believe should be a man of his own and can run his life/home/affairs without any interference

    • Fashionista

      March 23, 2017 at 5:44 pm

      LMAOOOO afi mentor na!

  6. Tru

    March 23, 2017 at 3:38 pm

    Can I just say…LIKE!!!! x 10000000000000

  7. wendy

    March 23, 2017 at 3:56 pm

    Mine was my own mother. She made my life a living hell because she did not like my hubby. her omogwo doubled my task …. She felt that my hubby has come to take away what she was getting…

  8. Mummy Ade

    March 23, 2017 at 4:02 pm

    Tell me about it, its my mum that’s…..i don’t know what to say cos shes my Ma. But my MIL has been such a help , friend all through our marriage. Even straighten her son when he messes up behind my back sef…i love her o its a pity am not showing it much sha….

    • Bleed Blue

      March 23, 2017 at 4:50 pm

      Mummy Ade, you’re truly blessed to have a MIL that you can call a friend.

      Not sure why you’re not showing how much you love her but it’s not too late.
      It’ll be nice to give her flowers while she’s still here.

    • Claudia

      March 23, 2017 at 6:15 pm

      Lucky you Mummy Ade.
      As bleedblue said pls appreciate her well oh.
      Me I have a mother in law that is the senior sister of Lucifer. She has 3 sons and has fought with all of us wives countless times.
      She particularly likes fighting during festive periods. Easter is coming and we are all tired just thinking of what this woman will come up with.

    • Nnoma

      March 24, 2017 at 12:48 am

      You are blessed.mine is Lucifer,how wicked can one be?I was in labour @2 am and MIL didn’t move an inch from her bed.she watched hubby,nanny carried me and my 2 years old daughter to car without saying a word.My hubby sent her packing next day.and still had the gut to say haven’t brought my kids to her house.

  9. ENIOLA

    March 23, 2017 at 4:04 pm

    I’m one of the few lucky ones and I will be forever grateful for that. I remember telling my mum that I never really prayed about my MiL and she said, ”it is you that didn’t pray, I prayed about it.”.
    She was with me for 4 solid months when I put to bed. MiL arrived three days before my CS was scheduled for and stayed until the day baby clocked 4 months. It was a festival of tears on the said day, my maid joined in too. She was just too sweet,
    Was it how she was the one wiping my bum right after surgery? Bringing my meals to bed? Suggesting the easiest meals even after I got back on my feet, – one time a friend overheard her telling me just noodles was okay for lunch over the phone and she started using her as a point of contact in her prayers.
    One day I would never forget was when she went to school with me from past 8a.m till almost 6p.m for my seminar presentation and held my baby with my maid and even bought me lunch , just because I must be hungry by then and then she got behind the wheels as she saw me approaching after the presentation that I must be stressed out already. She also didn’t forget that I had plans of stopping at my tailors after school, go to the mall etc and she was just making all the stops for me while I sat comfortably at the back with my baby.
    She would cook me delicacies and even send one or two pieces of meat or cheese as the case may be for tasting. She didn’t have an issue with sharing her recipes with me, teaching me how to preserve foods for longer periods and so on.
    Let me also mention that, my MiL never bothered me or my maid with the washing of her clothes, she had a dry cleaner who comes to the house to pick up her laundry.
    Getting a maid wasn’t even part of my plan o, she just made calls to arrange one and told her son that, ”ko easy, o she bimo ni, ko le ma da ishe ile she – it’s not easy, she just put to bed, she can’t be doing the household chores alone.”
    Baby is 7 months plus now and MiL still calls and sends whatsapp messages like she never left.

    • Bimbo

      March 23, 2017 at 4:17 pm

      This gave me goosebumps! You are so lucky

    • Bleed Blue

      March 23, 2017 at 4:31 pm

      I had the goosies too!

      This is beyond luck, ENIOLA, you are blessed!

    • ENIOLA

      March 23, 2017 at 4:50 pm

      I know! LoL. Thanks.

    • john

      March 23, 2017 at 4:26 pm

      brought tears to my eyes..the way u talked about ur MIL shows ure a good person in ur own right..ur sons will marry good women like you not radical , miserable banshees like sugabelly, hadiza and real Nigeria. Amen..I bet if wives treat their MIl the way they do their own mother,they wont be any problem ..bunch of hypocrites

    • haha

      March 23, 2017 at 4:40 pm

      Mr John you sure don’t disappoint with your comments. lol Well done sir.

    • Blackbeauty

      March 23, 2017 at 6:47 pm

      I shouldn’t be laughing but mr John no offense, but your head is not correct. You couldn’t just leave it at the prayer abi? Oh my lawd!??

    • kilipot

      March 23, 2017 at 7:02 pm

      Hahhahhahaha. This cracked me up badly. Why are also so petty. Lmao.

    • Sim

      March 24, 2017 at 6:29 pm

      Sime
      Its not mainly about how the MIL or inlaws are treated at all, its just pure luck! Some face rejection from the onset(dil), l loved them so much but……, l had to accept reality! Thank God l bury the past easily, by God’s Grace!

    • Nuna

      March 23, 2017 at 4:42 pm

      My mother in law is EXACTLY like yours. Such a queen! I pray to be the kind of woman she is. She raised a king in my husband and I pray to do thesame

    • Dolapo

      March 23, 2017 at 10:01 pm

      You are blessed your MIL is an angel

    • Daizzy

      March 24, 2017 at 11:37 am

      Lord bless me with a mother in law like this! AMEN!!!

    • UCHE

      March 24, 2017 at 11:41 am

      Oh Jesus!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I feel like crying… God bless her.

    • E

      March 24, 2017 at 7:41 pm

      @Eniola, I cried reading this. Your MIL is a beautiful soul…….what more can someone ask for? God Bless her real good. I’m bookmarking this simply to keep reading this comment of yours.

    • Cameroonian geh

      March 30, 2017 at 1:10 pm

      this one pass blessing…… ” YOU DON HAMMER BE THAT “

  10. Tees

    March 23, 2017 at 4:10 pm

    I am not married yet, but I think its called RESPECT and BOUNDARIES. Parents, husband, wife, Mother in Laws blah blah need to know their boundaries. I understand he was your son for years but he is now my husband, you had those years with him in peace, please return the favor. We can share him every now and then(lol). But on a serious note, it is really about boundaries, understanding, communication and respect. If my future MIL is disrespectuful to me continuously for nothing that concerns me, then my husband better stand up for me in the most respectful manner and let his mum know its not okay and vice versa…and if things aren’t still working out, I’ve kuku said it, I’m going to move to like hawaii or something where they’ll think twice before coming to visit…

  11. that uptown girl

    March 23, 2017 at 4:28 pm

    I am one of the lucky ones. My MIL is lovely once you get past her big mouth. She spares no one not even my husband. But she is as good as they come.

  12. Ajala & Foodie

    March 23, 2017 at 4:34 pm

    @ Bleedblue, let me start out by saying it is great reading from you and learning a little bit more about you.

    Now back to the topic at hand let me start by addressing your question on why husbands and FILs do not have the same drama:

    From personal experience I think it has to do with us wives, my dad is one of those men that believes no man is good enough for his girls and he does not keep this particular thought a secret. Honestly, my hubby and dad would not have a good relationship today, (based on some things my dad has said like telling me ” I was marrying beneath me” right before my wedding). But, I have protected my hubby from my dad, I love my dad and my dad’s love for us his children is something great. However, my dad like every other member of my family knows the fastest way to incur my wrath is by coming for my spouse so every one maintains their lane.
    On the other hand, while my hubby protects me, I think man are not as sensitive as we women to be able to nip somethings in the bud early enough. My own MIL blind sided both myself and my hubby with her behavoiur. In retrospect, I know and he knows that if he had guarded me like he does now (like I have always done) every one would have known their lane with his family as well. Things don sour though ,which is pretty sad because I was one that always thought I would have a good experience with my MIL.

    We women protect our men but not our fellow women. No, it is never too early to start praying for our sons (yes, even the unborn ones like mine) and their spouses. I have also started taking conscious steps by prayerfully and actively supporting the women in my life as I believe this will better prepare me to be a better MIL. God help us ??????

  13. Shaded

    March 23, 2017 at 4:42 pm

    Interesting read. Many of the stories here do not reflect a mil problem but a husband problem. In addition we need to be good Dils. I know people who have good and helpful mils but who will interprete any form of help negatively. For example, mil comes over and helps with cooking but someone I know interpreted that as taking over her kitchen because she assumed that her mil thinks her cooking is not good enough. The poor woman was seeing her dil and son work long days and trying to take the cooking burden off them. Don’t worry we slapped sense into her.

    • Manny

      March 24, 2017 at 3:42 am

      This is very true. Imagine if Eniola who commented above had interpreted her MIL’s gestures as taking over.

    • Trina

      March 24, 2017 at 7:47 am

      STAP IT!

      Which of Eniola’s MIL’s gestures can even be interpreted as taking over by a sane person? See, if you’re looking for a villain, it can never be in her story.

      The MILs who are seen as “taking over” are usually trying to do so. Remember communication is majorly about body language. There’s an endearing way to be of assistance and there’s the one where the MIL just downright wants to change everything in your home under the guise of “only trying to help”.
      Abegi! Know the difference!

  14. Mz_Danielz

    March 23, 2017 at 5:04 pm

    Any man that moves to his mothers house after a quarrel is a mummy’s boy and a master of emotional blackmail.

    As per wicked MILs, it’s not only a MIL DIL situation. If you notice among females, there’s this thing about them and needing to be respected by the younger ones. You see female senior staff in offices assuming roles that exceed official capacity, advising the younger ones rudely about their dressing, etc. You see younger female staff refusing to respect females they feel are older; ganging up, gossiping, backbiting etc are common.

    Men are not better than women, the difference is men are not relationship oriented like that, they measure themselves in land, achievements while likability has always been important to females.

    We can always tell the ones that will be bad MILs. Some of you will vote Bisola when she’s clearly a low self esteemed bully. Imagine her a MIL. Tboss is in heaven compared to what the unfortunate DIL will experience.

    Forgive the typos.

    • Lol

      March 24, 2017 at 11:49 am

      Exactly, i have a like dislike relationship with her! the lady is undeniable a talent and obviously achieved some level of fame and fans bfr now. So no one sees these things, she can do no wrong. Id rather not imagine her as a MIL pls.

  15. john

    March 23, 2017 at 5:08 pm

    How can we continue to berate men for the increasing cases of domestic abuse but neglect the part we play in emotionally abusing our fellow women?…..make I add abusing of housemaids too..No one talks abput that or speaks for them

    • Gina

      March 23, 2017 at 5:17 pm

      John, and she begged you not to jump on this issue, didn’t she? Out of everything you read, you actually jumped on that one line just like she predicted.
      We know you have all sorts of complaints about women, even how we breathe pisses you off, but take some time off your misogynistic ways and contribute to the specific topic at hand.

      If the housemaid abuse bothers you so much, start an NGO or send in your own article to Bella, I am sure they will happily post it.

    • Haha

      March 23, 2017 at 5:21 pm

      (Chei! I’m just hoping that John and Paul Adeyemo don’t jump on this train, na beg I dey beg una.) Behold John in in the train already lol

    • anon

      March 23, 2017 at 5:27 pm

      we do, all the time. The same women you call femtards are the ones running these organisations that protect these young girls and rape victims.

  16. demash

    March 23, 2017 at 5:23 pm

    My MIL is the best and if not for her, I’d probably have bolted out of my marriage. In those early days of drama (yes, when madam used to complain of every little thing I did, scream, yell… almost driving me nuts), she was a calming influence. She appreciates and prays for me like no other & before her I can do no wrong. I have the best in-laws really, I guess they figure their daughter got a good one.

  17. Eaglebabe

    March 23, 2017 at 5:24 pm

    My MIL is a blessing to me. I am one of the few lucky ones i guess. Hubby and I have been married for 3 years without a child. She is the one who encourages me, takes me to the hospital when I’m sick, cooks for me. Prays for and with me. Hubby is her only child and she told me how she suffered before getting pregnant with him when she got married (several miscarriages) so she understands my situation. I treat her like my mom and she treats me like the daughter she never had. She is just too sweet. I pray God answers our prayers and she gets to see her grand children…she turned 60 years a few days ago.

    • shield

      March 23, 2017 at 6:10 pm

      I say a big AMEN to your prayers. God will give her grandchildren from you and hubby soonest in Jesus name. What a delightful woman!

    • Gracey

      March 23, 2017 at 6:23 pm

      Amen to your prayers my dear.
      Count your blessings. I’m also waiting on God and my MIL has made it clear that she’s ready to encourage hubby to marry another woman if I don’t carry belle by the end of this year. i dont even pick her calls anymore because its always to ask “so how far? any news for me?”

  18. Bissy

    March 23, 2017 at 5:29 pm

    I wish every MIL is like my mom, serious madam mind ur biz, my brothers so have their own life, she even doesn’t have time to visit except u invite her, even being a medical doctor, she doesn’t pressure the family with her knowledge, she refers them to other doctors n they just get back to be sure they r on track since she resigned way back bcos of the corruption and ill-mannerism in the health sector,

    But for me about getting married 3years ago always praying for a spouse that have both parents cos of being a single mom brot up n dad died early, MIL-to-be wasn’t the issue, mine was FATHER-IN-LAW, mehn it was terrible it was like combination of 10 worst MIL combined. Dictates everything to the son, monitors finances, tell how and wen to spend his money, told son not to buy car yet cos he doesn’t need it but didn’t reject wen son bought him a car (got no issues with dat). Told son not to contribute anything towards wedding plans that in Yoruba land bride’s family funds everything, we wanted to rent a miniflat in Surulere told son it’s too much we should go to a suburb area.
    We got a land offer in Lagos arnd Ibeju wanted to buy, convinced so to come and buy in the village instead (I was looking at the investment part of owning a land in Lagos n how it appreciates fast), son bought in village, land is more like FIL owns it now. He started using his wife to ask me what and what was willed to me by my father since they heard from their son that my dad is rich and am from a royal family and their son has told them about the properties he has seen with my brothers, more like what they stand to gain when their son marries me. This is FIL ooH not MIL. And the precious son too was just dancing to the tune dictating everything “my dad said this, my dad said that”. We plan but dad’s will overrules all.
    Let me not bore you with the epistle till wen I write the full story one day, this was just the Minuit of all.

    We should not just pray for MIL alone but also FIL cos if one is good, he/ she will be able to control the will of the other and if both are good more grace for the spouses.

  19. Topaz Quin

    March 23, 2017 at 5:43 pm

    I’m 25, not married, I’m happy and even tho I wish to get married soon, I don’t think of a mother in law. It just dawned on me after reading this post.

  20. Mama Saffron

    March 23, 2017 at 5:46 pm

    I think the reason why we don’t have any father in law son issue, okay we don’t have is too general a term. It’s not common is because there’s little interaction between those two men in our lives that we love so much. Le Boo and my father get along very well. They are like the plastic or sugar couple on top of wedding cakes who never fight because they are always looking straight, not at each other.

    Unlike women, by nature, we are always up in each other’s faces and each other’s business and it starts from when you get introduced. It’s the mum you gravitate towards first and try to get familiar with and hope she likes you. It’s the sisters you have a natural affinity to, and that’s where and how cracks start to form, which now become fault likes as wide as the size of texas when you progress from girlfriend to wife, if heaven help you they don’t like you. Even if all your beloved has is brothers, you as a woman would be mostly cordial to them, but in most cases you aren’t as friendly or try to be as friendly unlike with his sisters. Speaking from personal experience. I don’t know about other women but my brother in law and i aren’t close unlike my sisters in law.
    Your boyfriend meets your father, beyond hello sir, good morning, what do you do, bla bla bla, they have very little to talk about. I used to think it was a generation thing but that theory is out of the window because despite the age difference daughter’s in law still try to have a relationship with mother in-laws. Men, not so much. As much as my family think my husband hung the moon, him and my dad don’t really have a relationship. Put them two in a room and you’ll hear crickets after 5 minutes.
    To further prove the theory that women are the ones who try and strike a relationship due to our nature, my husband and my mother can talk the hind leg off a donkey. those two love each other and enjoy each other’s company, So, bleed blue i hope that answers your question as to why men and their in-laws usually have no drama.

    Now, back to women. In trying as by nature to form a relationship, know your husband first and to what level he will protect you and take your cues as to how you will react to his family from him. A friend got married recently and in all their years of dating she wondered why he wasn’t in a rush to make her chummy with his family. It used to bug her until they started planning the wedding and she saw her mother and sister in-laws for who they really were and understood that her man was trying to protect her. Imagine if she had tried to force the relationship? The hell she would have gone through. Now, she avoids them like the plague and when they talk, she looks innocently and says its is your son o, you know he is the head, it is what he says that i do.

    • Ajala & Foodie

      March 23, 2017 at 11:21 pm

      Your comment got me thinking here. My hubby was/is not close to his family and yes if I had taken my cue from him, all the drama that went down would not have taken place. My family is just super close and I felt that kain relationship was not normal so I was trying to foster a better relationship between the entire family. His mummy was nice to me but the truth is it was all from a distance. The one time we had to relate in close proximity, (I was the one that even insisted on having her over and had to pay for it because hubby said he did not want her over quite yet) was when crap hit the ceiling. #thingsiwishiknewbeforeigotmarried.

  21. J

    March 23, 2017 at 5:52 pm

    The mother in laws are trash and so are the husbands who allow such nonsense. Ladies love yourself more than you love them and snatch your peace. What good is it to be married if you are miserable. What kind of man is he if he allows his mother to treat you like that?

  22. Lady Cate of Nigeria

    March 23, 2017 at 6:08 pm

    I ve got 6 SIL and my MIL and they are the best! My MIL is extremely nice and helpful. My SILS mind their business and don’t stress me. To think I almost did not date my husband because he has 6 sisters, 3 older ones and 3 younger ones.
    My MIL had a nasty experience with her own MIL early in her marriage. She was living with her MIL while FIL was away in the Army and her MIL was very nasty to her. As bad as giving my MIL the gills of fish on her food to eat. My MIL still tears up whenever she recounts her experience but she has been really nice to me. I pray she’s able to forgive her own MIL who is late by the way as I feel she has not forgiven her.

  23. mela

    March 23, 2017 at 6:12 pm

    Am blessed with a wonderful mother in law. But my hubby protects Me so very well

  24. Dr. N

    March 23, 2017 at 6:30 pm

    I am just here to hail Bleedblue. How far na?
    On the topic, above everything else, choose a man who wears big boy pants whereMIL is concerned not a man who cowers b4 his mom. Drive from Ajah to Isolo ke??????? What’s that?

    • Bleed Blue

      March 24, 2017 at 7:50 am

      Dr. N, I dey oh.
      Just managing myself in this our dear country.
      Hope life is treating you good. 🙂

  25. Mrs chidukane

    March 23, 2017 at 6:58 pm

    Hi bleed blue! Nice article. I have a new baby now oh. My rainbow baby. My love to you ,bobosteke, miss SA and my other BN friends.

    • Bleed Blue

      March 23, 2017 at 7:13 pm

      WHAAAAAAAAT?!!!!

      **Dancing***

      Sweetheart, how can I express how happy I am for you? Your tears have been wiped away. So happy for you! As in HAPPY!!!

      God bless you, your little cutie and every member of the Chidukane clan!

    • Mrs chidukane

      March 23, 2017 at 11:37 pm

      Thanks dear, God is so good. Thanks also iheart and aibee.

    • iHeart

      March 23, 2017 at 7:49 pm

      Hallelujah! God be praised. My heart broken when I read of your loss.

      God bless your family

    • Aibee

      March 23, 2017 at 9:01 pm

      Yay! Congrats Mrs. Chidukane on your rainbow baby. God bless your home.

    • Anonymous

      March 23, 2017 at 9:33 pm

      How do we become better mother Inlaw’s

      I have always thought highly of myself. I have a great interpersonal skill. I interact positively with all and sundry so much you just can’t help but love me on a first date.

      Fast forward to several kids after.
      This year, I warned one of my kids never to play with a certain classmate again. Because the classmate was not academically sound enough to me ( I no be class teacher oh ). I felt the association could mean distractions academically for my own child.

      I didn’t realize how stupid I was until my husband asked me to repeat it several times. I kept arguing that I was only protecting what was mine. My child still repeatedly told the friendship was sealed. Suddenly I realize I have become my mother Inlaw; feeling too good about my kids. Assumably believing my kids are the best things that happened in the universe. Therefore only worthy humans were allowed to interact. These humans will be constantly reminded how they aren’t ever going to be good enough!

      All the things I planned to do with my daughters and son Inlaw’s vanished before my very eyes.

      I have gone back to God in prayers to help me be the woman I dream to be not whom I thought I would be.

      Insisting on a certain friendship could translate into insisting on certain relationship and not eventually understanding future boundaries. I pray i can begin to let go of my aprons strings, become the mother Of my dreams and a mother inlaw par excellence. I have thought of boarding school where I do not have to know what’s going on. Any other advice from the house ?

    • john

      March 24, 2017 at 10:45 am

      Nothing pleases me when I see just one time delusional, hypocritical, entitled woman finally see and embrace the light..and finally decides to tell herself the honest truth….that it is my fault and no one else to blame..there is this inner heavenly peace and joy and satisfaction that will finally descend on you and you will find out that this world is not that difficult. Treat people the way u want to be treated( emotionally, verbally and physically ) , such a simple ,straightforward law ( for both genders)but yet so difficult. anyway my wife and my mom rapor wella bcos they know I am a no- nonsense guy and wont mind throwing both of them out my house just to have some peace what they are trying now to do is to combine aganst me subtly to go against my decisions ( my own mother and wife combining aganst me especially when it comes to money and I thought it was the other way round) I just dey watch them in 3D untill it sets. But the truth is that deep inside, I prefer it this way instead of them going at each other, so I will happily be the villian of the house

    • adelegirl

      March 24, 2017 at 9:39 am

      Good to see BN regulars on this post, Bleed Blue, Mrs Chidukane, Mama Saffron, etc. Congratulations Mrs Chidukane. God bless and keep new baby o.

      On MILs, thankfully, I have no MIL horror story. My MIL stays in a different city so I guess distance helps, but even if she didn’t, she respects herself a lot and is not the type to meddle in the affairs of her children. She spent about a week with us when I had my son. My mum was around too and I was initially worried about how that would work out. She did not stress me one bit. She is a blessing. I was pampered by both women and they are similar in the way they know how to respect themselves and others, so I count myself one of the fortunate ones.

    • AAsh

      March 24, 2017 at 10:29 am

      Congratulations…may GOD bless your baby.Amen
      A rainbow baby….GOD has definitely brought sunshine after the rain!

    • aurora

      March 24, 2017 at 12:50 pm

      im so happy for you. congratulations and God bless your home.

    • Mz Socially Awkward....

      March 28, 2017 at 8:47 pm

      I “yam” here for this!! ?????????

      Just chanced (chanced! As in…. BN, our love is really waxing cold nowadays ?) upon this, with remorse for missing it completely (Hanty BleedBlue??, hailings oh, you don give us better homework for here ??)

      …and now, that remorse has vanished Oh, I’m so happy to hear it, Nwa Nne m. God has been good and I’m partnering in your joy from this end!! ? May He who has blessed, remain Faithful to provide an abundance of life and health and wealth in every good way to this precious gift.

      Chai! Nothing like hearing the testimony of the morning after the storm. We are giving God High Praise with you, honey! ????

    • Bobosteke

      May 19, 2017 at 10:29 am

      Mrs. Chidukane! Oh my! I’m sooooooooo happy. I remember you often. I’m so happy. Yes, I’ve said that before. Thank you, Jesus.
      Sorry I’m late to this though. Special dance offering in church on Sunday. Miss you and love, love you loads…

  26. Blackbeauty

    March 23, 2017 at 7:06 pm

    I went into marriage hoping to be bestirs with my MIL. She was nice initially until we started planning the wedding. At that point I was job hunting. That woman called me one day and said ‘ so you just wake up, eat and sleep? I was so pained because I knew how I pounded the streets of Lagos looking for a job and when I finally got one, her son told her and she calls to say thank God o, didn’t I want to tell her?
    Then at our introduction, she advised me that in their family no one looks for anybody’s trouble o but if you do, you will find it. I thought it odd and said nothing to hubby.
    Then after the wedding, my family members took me to hand over and that was what she said in her ‘welcome speech ‘. I was crying by the time my people left.
    Who welcomes one into their family by threatening them. This is someone that I sent a MUA to her house for the wedding.
    Worst part, hubby didn’t see anything wrong and didn’t speak up. Whereas, I would have been up in arms for him.
    I’m glad we live far away so I only see her in small doses.
    Last time we visited, the woman would just walk into our room at 11pm.
    When hubby and I give them something, they never acknowledge it. Not to me anyways.
    The last time we visited, I asked where my maid would stay n she said she n my husband would decide.
    Like, she didn’t even wait for me to give her cause to be nasty.
    I pray for them that they will learn to accept me.
    I have a son and already pray concerning his future spouse. I want to be that amazing MIL by God’s grace.

  27. mee

    March 23, 2017 at 7:34 pm

    My oga will never stand up for me, he would rather support MIL and FIL. No matter how I try to address situations, he finds fault in me and not his own parents, he would run to the moon for them first before me of his kids. My MIL is busy enjoying doing nothing, while I am taking care of her own husband for over 5 years, in other words, I am marrying 2 husbands. I do hate the Nigerian culture when it comes to this. “ohh do not say a thing, respect them, they are your husband’s parents …bla blah blah”. Like you bleed blue, I have boys too and I pray to be a good MIL someday, I vowed not to be like mine. SIL is story for another day.

    • Bissy

      March 24, 2017 at 9:59 am

      I would advise you stop reporting them to your husband, a lot of men never find fault in their parents until their eyes are open to see it. Trying to please doesn’t work a lot of times and men do have a notion that women don’t get along with each other, so they love their moms too much to realize they can inflict anything on their wives cos they believe younger women are rude.
      Not reporting MIL to hubby and take your mind off what she does and see her as another woman trouble is the greatest peace you can ever have and when one nice thing happens always remember to tell your hubby to thank her on your behalf, when hubby doesn’t hear anything from you and the news contradicts, then there will be some pondering.

  28. Ajiri Ebegbare

    March 23, 2017 at 8:50 pm

    While in High school I told my mom I didn’t want a Mother in law, that I hoped she will die before i met her son. My mom replied : someone is going to say that same prayer for you and i replied God forbid. Then she asked why I didn’t want a MIL and why I didn’t want anyone saying that prayer for me. After watching so many home movies starring Patience Ozokwor I was convinced all MIL was wicked and i am going to be a good MIL so i dont want anyone praying for me to die. Mom asked me if she was a bad MIL like Patience Ozokwor I said No. My mom encouraged me to pray for a good MIL and told me I will never know how good or bad my MIL is until I meet her. She told me so many things I could learn from having a MIL. I didn’t get to spend so much time with my grandparents and I want my kids to enjoy their grandparents so I need my mom and hubby’s parents alive for my kids to enjoy them. Now I look forward to having a MIL.☺

  29. Anonymous

    March 23, 2017 at 9:37 pm

    Congratulations, 100000000000^ e hugs

  30. Eii

    March 23, 2017 at 9:39 pm

    My elder brother is getting married soon and his wife to be is an amazing and beautiful woman. Her relationship with my mom is heartwarming and very special. They are mom and daughter as well as friends. It is my prayer the bond of love they share will last forever,amen.

  31. Kemaj

    March 24, 2017 at 10:07 am

    The issue of MIL and DIL is like that of a maid and her female oga in most homes. When we were growing up we noticed most women treat their maids unkindly and we promise not to be like that. However I think we get de-sensitised the older we get. Same goes for MIL and DIL relationships, as we get older we forget what we went through and promise to get our pound of flesh from our DIL too.

    However especially as Christians we forget three main points:

    1. The principle at Gen 2: 24 ” that is why a man will LEAVE his father and his mother and he will STICK to his wife and they will become one flesh”
    Mothers (and some sons) forget that their boys have left them, that they now belong to someone else. They likely still see them as their little boys trying to pretend they are playing house.

    2. Do to others as you want them to do to you. This particular principle promotes empathy and understanding. Unfortunately this a principle it appears the whole world has lost. Interestingly we always believe we are so invincible we will always get away with whatever we do. And that will lead to the third point.

    3. We will always reap what we sow. What do we reap? Broken marriages, dysfunctional families, tensed families and lastly families that will likely never achieve their potentials because the wives will resent the tepid attitude from their husbands and so they will never fully contribute or give their all to the marriages.

    So let’s hope like bleed blue said we can work on ourselves and promise to be the best WE can be as MIL. That when the time comes we can let our sons truly leave to make their own homes.

  32. Deedee

    March 24, 2017 at 10:20 pm

    My MIL is an angel. She was the one that fast tracked our wedding. Don’t know what I would have done without her in my marriage. She cares for me and my child as my husband isn’t always around. We plot against him together LOL, sleep on the same bed, eat with same spoon. She held my hands as I pushed my first baby, she buys my clothes sef, sexy ones o. She has her issues yes, she is human. I’m also very patient n tolerant and things that will naturally upset another DIL I overlook. Even if you don’t have a good MIL. Please raise your sons well and plan to be a better MIL to your DIL.

  33. Yummychickcummummy

    March 25, 2017 at 12:03 am

    My mil is a gold digger … she loves u according to the gifts showered on her m she can backbitr for Africa and u will think she is into u in ur face … it’s long story . Thank lord m out .evil but u think she is awesome

  34. Cameroonian geh

    March 30, 2017 at 12:49 pm

    That is loving your wife as Christ loved the Church ( gave his life up for the church) you are a good man for standing by your Wife….

  35. Bobosteke

    May 19, 2017 at 12:20 pm

    Bleed Blue.
    I’m so sorry I missed this article. I’ve been away from BN for more than a while. Not even ghosting (reading without commenting).

    I remember when I was in S.S. 2 and my French teacher told us to start praying for the spouses we would marry. I laughed self consciously along with the other girls. But even my “I don’t want to get married” self knew it was even late then.

    I have had the privilege of working with a lot of young people. Bleed Blue, your heart will cry out for the neglect and lack that these kids suffer even in the midst of opulence. If it were possible, I would rather kids prayed for the kind of parents they would be born to than the other way around. These nouveau riche parents are so eager to give their kids what they never had they forget to give them what they had.

    I’ve lived long enough to know that you do not always reap what you sow. Some , evil girls ended up with the loveliest MIL’s. I’ve also learnt that some of God’s greatest gifts are unanswered prayers. Despite prayers, we may end up with children or in-laws who test us. The most constant person in all these is you.. The person you become in the process of the pain and experiences, refine us into a richer life. May God grant us the wisdom to see.

    Lovely article, Bleed Blue. Miss you all so much.

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