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Guys, Here are 5 Things to Note Ahead of That Lady’s Visit to Your Home

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Imagine this: After months of toasting Nkechi and taking her on different dates, she randomly calls you one Friday morning and says “Babe, I’ll be sleeping over at your apartment tonight, hope that okay with you?” Of course, you don’t mind. Are you kidding me?

After confirming the visit, your excitement starts to build up; your “agro-no-metre” starts to go into overdrive. But then as the hours go by and the excitement starts to turn into anxiety, you begin to worry about the impression your apartment will give. You also start to calculate the possible ways her visit could put a dent on your beautiful friendship with Nkechi. Even worse, if you have been lying to her about living alone, while in reality, you are squatting with a friend, you know it is time to pull every string possible, to ensure the first night at least goes well… before you start confessing your sins.

Basically, you do not want to mess things up, especially if you’re looking for something long term. Eventually, so you realize you have only one option: find a way to organize your apartment to send the right message. Obviously, it would entail much more than just cleaning and sprucing up of the place, because let’s face it, some girls can snoop for Africa. No matter how tidy and well-arranged your place is, they must find something. You have to make sure anything that can dampen the vibe or give her the impression that you a creep is completely eradicated. To do this, we have a number of ideas you may want to consider:

Tidy Up
You already know this has to be number one. No girl, even dirty ones, wants to deal with all any kind of pong the first time they visit their baby boo or baby boo-to-be. Take some time to clean up your apartment, even if just a little; hide all traces of dirty clothes and clear out the kitchen. You may be sharing the apartment with friends and the kitchen area would be beyond your control, but at least for the things that concern you directly, ensure they are on point.
This is so that you can get away with making a comment like “ My dear, I’m tired of my flatmates, they are so disorganized and dirty” and pinning any other thing she complains about on your flatmates.
The bathroom area is also very important. Flush any remaining poop, and use bleach and Harpic where needed. It won’t make sense if she is pressed or needs to wash up and there is no conducive environment for that.

Finally, spray your room with air freshener. Do it at least 30 minutes before she arrives, so that it is not to strong. Make sure you do not have dirty clothes or stinky shoes in the room. A mixture of those smells and air freshener can actually turn into something very corrosive and you don’t want that. If you don’t have time to wash them or dry them before she comes, tie them in a bin bag so that you can contain the smell. You can even go ahead and tag them “for charity” so that she will be too distracted by your “kindness” to think of asking what is in the bag. Basically, ensure the apartment is clean enough to create the illusion that you’re a functioning adult who can clean up after himself.

Exorcise the Ghosts of Girlfriends Past
You have ended things with Naomi. Why do you still have her pictures on your fridge? Why is her nightgown is still hanging in your wardrobe? Are you hoping to build a museum about her in future? Please get rid of anything that belongs to girls from your past. You want to make sure Nkechi feels she is the only one worth the effort.
Nothing kills a sexual buzz more than signs that you’re still hung up on someone else, especially an ex. No one wants to have to compete or deal with that. Search the apartment and rid it of everything; from little items like another girl’s toothbrush, a half-used bottle of female shampoo, or a hair band, to more serious items like old love letters, framed poems. Everything should be discarded, or at least thrown in a box and buried.
Your aim is to ensure she doesn’t wonder who else is paying you a visit; because, little things like that will make her uncomfortable and can even cause a serious quarrel. You don’t want to lose her before you have even had her. Also, if you are sharing the apartment with others, please warn them, nobody should mention anything about any other girl. Even if the mattress in your room was a gift from Naomi, it is not your flatmates’ place to tell the story.

Get rid of roommates
If you share a one-room apartment with a friend in Lekki Phase 1 and Nkechi had no clue, the first night she is coming over is not the best time to start explaining to her that there will be three of you lying down on the mattress. Especially, if you and her have not discussed the possibility of a three-way.
Bribe your roommate; pull any card you can pull to make sure he does not come around the apartment all through the period the girl is there. Three, certainly, is a crowd and you do not want to spook her.

You do not have to go as far as removing any trace of your roommate. You want to stay honest and truthful as well. So, you can tell her when she arrives that your roommate is not around and you have the place to yourself. That way, she has it at the back of her mind that she may not always be able to chill with you alone in the room in the future.
With flatmates, it is easier. You can just let them know ahead of time that you would be having a girl overnight and they can either stay in their room for the period or at least behave and make the apartment comfortable for the girl. It would be weird if she comes into the apartment and your flatmates are sniffing coke in the sitting room. No matter how much you try to absolve yourself and say you are not like then, she will have that fear at the back of her mind that you may not be entirely responsible. You don’t want that.

Stock up
Yes, you are a man; you do not need much to survive. But if you are going to have a girl come over, you should be willing to make certain sacrifices. Your apartment should not be empty and dry. Aside from the fact that a stocked up fridge will give the appearance of a homely man – which is something that will appeal to almost any woman, it will give you the opportunity to sample her cooking, and know if she can cook at all. It could also indicate if you are facing the possibility of buying from a restaurant for the rest of your life – should your relationship grow to the point of marriage.
For those who are squatting or who do not have a fridge, you may just want to make sure you ask her what she would love for dinner ahead of time and order it, or buy it on your way back. That way she has something to eat for the night, at least.
Aside from foodstuff in the fridge, you want to also have certain basics around the apartment like toothpaste, toilet paper, spare and clean towel, fan or AC, drinking water, running water, and fuel for your generator. You want to make sure the place is as comfortable as possible.

Keep the bedroom décor simple
The bedroom obviously will be the main focus through the night. Even if you both are saving yourselves and you have to sleep apart, you as the guy will be the one sleeping in the sitting room, corridor or floor of the bedroom while she is relaxing on the bed. Point is, you don’t want to creep her out with posters on nude females on your walls, or the satin sheets and lighting that will make her feel she is auditioning for a role in a porn movie. That picture of Nicki Minaj with her perfect boobs or glistening behind might be what gets you by on a lonely night, but you don’t want her to know that. Take them down and throw them away. Have faith that she will replace Nicki Minaj.
If you don’t have the courage to throw it away, fold it nicely and put in your documents folder or somewhere she won’t feel like she needs to search, the moment your eyes close in sleep.

For those who like to keep a shrine of lube and condoms under your bed, while it may show that you are virile and conscious of your sexual health, it may also creep her out and give her the impression that you are a player.
Do not use any sexually themed bed sheets. Something too mushy may suggest you are gay. Something too lewd will suggest you are a pervert. Women pay attention to the smallest details, so, the state of your bedroom will eventually matter in the long run.

Preparing your apartment for a girl’s visit is not much of a task if you think about it. You don’t even have to wait for a special girl to do it. You could actually just go ahead with it not, that way you will be more than ready if it’s impromptu.
Do you have any more ideas on how to get your apartment ready for a girl’s visit? Please share in the comment section below.

Photo Credit: Innovatedcaptures | Dreamstime.com

Nkem Ndem is an energetic and highly accomplished Media Consultant who loves to help small businesses, especially women-led, grow their online presence using the right digital strategy or transition from traditional organizational boundaries. With years of experience in Copywriting and Editing, Content Branding and Strategy, Social media, and Digital Marketing, she is clearly obsessed with Digital Communications. She is the Head of Content and Lead Consultant at Black Ink Media - an Ideation and Content Agency that excels in providing fresh, creative digital services to content-centric businesses. Find out more about her at www.blackinkm.com or send her an e-mail at [email protected] Also follow her on IG: @nkemndemv, Twitter: @ndemv.

26 Comments

  1. Deleke

    April 11, 2017 at 3:40 pm

    I did all of the above and more; When girlfriend (now wife) came over from England to visit, I told my other squeezes I was going to NY over xmas to visit my family so none of them would come over randomly, longest 2 weeks of my life.

    • bee

      April 12, 2017 at 10:02 am

      Hmn Badooo! I hope she now nows you did that though

  2. Ferrari

    April 11, 2017 at 3:41 pm

    Ah if i see a bin bag marked “charity” i’m sure i will ask more questions then and in the future. please keep the bag out of sight and unmarked. lol

  3. EJ

    April 11, 2017 at 3:47 pm

    Loool shrine of lubes and condoms , dat one got me

  4. Akara Pancake

    April 11, 2017 at 4:04 pm

    Fantastic article .Let me add my 2 kobo with some dos and donts:

    – Do have food at the ready. Or get ready to spend money on some.. Nigerian girls love to eat, and a social visit is not different. This chick comes over, and as soon as she drops her handbag, she starts hinting that she suddenly has a craving for fried rice and chicken. So I summoned my house-help Akpan “Oya run go market go buy things for fried rice. Na wetin you go need? Oh crayfish, dry pepper, palm oil, dawa dawa cube….Great! Make you go slaughter that fowl wey our neighbor give us two weeks ago..”
    The girl’s face suddenly fell. What is troubling you, I asked. She said she preferred fried rice from TFC or Tantalizers. I was disappointed – but Akpan cooks a mean fried rice. Besides I have a live cockerel tied up in my backyard.
    – Don’t be cocksure that you will smash. Nigerian girls send signals that might as well be in the Morse code. Home-girl may have given you green light, go-ahead, encouragement when y’all spoke on the phone, but once she lands, it may be a different matter. Set your expectation right – her staying over does not equate to bed action. And you must respect that, no matter how stiff your trouser snake gets. Don’t ever force yourself on a chick. A cold shower is better than a cold cell.
    – Do invest some money on some good bedsheets. Girls love that stuff. Get some real Egyptian cotton if you can afford it. That your grandma’s wrapper which she gave you when you visited the village? Yep the one that still smells like ass and palm kernel? The one you shamelessly use as a bed spread/ blanket / coverlet / pillowcase? It won’t cut it bro.

    – Don’t spend ALL the time with her watching movies. The only thing Netflixy about Netflix and chill is the name. After one movie, find some other activities to do. For that one movie, choose one nice classic romantic comedy that is light and will set the mood right, if she visits during the day. I recommend my personal favourites – Notting Hill or Love Actually. If she visits during the night, my guy slot in a horror movie, that would scare the shit out of her. Something that will thrill her. You might find her holding on to you for “safety” and you want that, don’t you? Ode…

    – Do keep a spare towel and clean set of your boxers and shorts for her. Lightly spray your cologne over the latter, so that it lingers slightly on the garments. Do this if you use a nice musky or woody cologne like my personal favorites Armani Diamonds. Don’t try this if your perfume is Aba-made and has a name like Tony Montana for mens. Also keep a spare toothbrush for her: this is important. It helps prevent morning breath. It also prevents what happened to me once. A chick came to stay over, and then the next morning, I stepped out to order her something to eat, and when I came in, homegirl was using my Jordan toothbrush. And, I am like what part of the game is this? I let her keep it.

    • Nkem Ndem

      April 11, 2017 at 5:32 pm

      Lol @ Akara and pancake. You just cracked me up. brilliant feedback though. But then seriously : “Besides I have a live cockerel tied up in my backyard”? LMAO . who ar eyou biko?!

    • Mangoro and Aya

      April 11, 2017 at 7:33 pm

      Akara and Pancake – ???????????? @ “what part of the game is this”. Come on sharrap my friend, you’ve kissed her lips and maybe even her lips and you’re there complaining about Jordan toothbrush?

      1 trick for the girls: when you’re leaving spray you’re perfume everywhere in his room/apartment/house/mansion (if the last one is the situation, a full bottle will suffice – sorry if na Tom Ford etc get you). Spray it so that when you leave he’ll ring you up saying “baby I can’t get you out of my head, I smell you everywhere I go”. This little (read big) trick works.?? Good luck.

    • californiabawlar

      April 11, 2017 at 9:47 pm

      Lmao!!! You’re hilarious on so many darn levels!!
      The ode part got me, it was so unnecessary! hahaha!
      Chai! I’m at work and I’m struggling to stifle my laughter so I’m in tears. I’ve already gotten one “are you alright?” My guy, you have not done well!
      All in all, you sha gave well-written and great advice. Are you like a writer or something? I haven’t read any lengthy comments in a long time. Yours was so easy to read.

    • Adunnie

      April 12, 2017 at 12:28 am

      ???? @akara pancake you are one sick dude. Your comment is too hilarious. Thanks for cracking me up.

    • som

      April 12, 2017 at 2:56 pm

      tony montana for mens….lmao @ mens

      if only the guy i am currently smooching will try this during the easter break. Im supposed to spend a couple days over at his but i wonder if he can keep me entertained. All he wants to do is smooch…im getting bored. I am a bit of a geek and i love stuff that will engage my mind, i also love good food…my ex knows the way into my heart is through my stomach….maybe i should plan the weekend and not leave it entirely to him. Carry food and movies and just showup at his. But wont he think i am trying too much or forming wife? We havent defined what this is and for me i just ended a relationship and i am having fun.

      For a guy, he is a bit of a airhead (fineboy but a lil clueless) “facepalm”

    • Ghostmode

      April 13, 2017 at 11:54 am

      Akara pancake you just made my day! Had to read your comment twice

  5. Spunky

    April 11, 2017 at 4:08 pm

    Well said. Lighting is important. Guys, invest in a fancy but portable bed lamb with regulator. Cool music, late-light- snacks. Don’t be scared to tell sexy but not exaggerated gist…works like magic.

  6. Sankawale Omoge

    April 11, 2017 at 5:22 pm

    3 Words: Keep it Real & Keep D#%k Game Strong! She’ll think she wore both thongs over 2 ur house!!!

  7. Sankawale Omoge

    April 11, 2017 at 5:23 pm

    3 Words: Keep it Real & Keep D#%k Game Strong! She’ll think she wore both thongs over 2 ur house!!! .

  8. ogeAdiro

    April 11, 2017 at 5:48 pm

    Abeg, don’t try too hard! Don’t stress yourself out trying to impress her. Trying too hard can be cute, but it is not sexy.

  9. Jo!

    April 11, 2017 at 6:22 pm

    Such a stupid stupid write up.
    I wish I had he energy to tell you everything that’s wrong with this but you definitely need new friends if the ones you currently have read this and let you send it out

    • funmilola

      April 12, 2017 at 12:26 pm

      eeyah, pele!
      take fanta and two tablets of vitamin C.

  10. Sisi

    April 11, 2017 at 10:36 pm

    Just a quick question please. Are you married/engaged/taken in any way? Cos I am so in love with you right now. Love guys with a sense of humour.

    • bee

      April 12, 2017 at 10:06 am

      Sisi who in particular?

    • aspiring mrs. akara pancake

      April 12, 2017 at 4:08 pm

      duh? Akara Pancake whoelse! please where do i sign up! am in love with Akara Pancake. i’d be your syrup and pap or oats if you prefer. love love your humor.

  11. onyii

    April 12, 2017 at 12:57 pm

    The idea of a walking into your flat mates sniffing coke was horrifying and funny as well, really enjoyed reading this.

  12. Peter

    April 12, 2017 at 1:46 pm

    Make it simple and you will be surprised how lasting the memory will be. The most important thing , make love and satisfy her if the opportunity araises , otherwise, find a way to her heart . Always keep the best for last; too much over preparation leads to anxiety and anxiety to……………

  13. john

    April 12, 2017 at 1:59 pm

    nice try..a very quick article on men from nkem after her other flop article with few comments

  14. john

    April 12, 2017 at 2:14 pm

    flop article but ironically one of your best and it received few comment bcos it is not about men..I even saw it on Nairaland which is rare

    • Hian

      April 12, 2017 at 5:27 pm

      @john please which one is flop article again? When its not an album release or movie. Oh! Chi m.

  15. yummymummycumchick

    April 12, 2017 at 5:39 pm

    @akara pancake ! i rise beyonce hand for u. …………

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