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Eva Funsho: Is Modern Marriage a Scam?

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I saw it again. Another one; another heartbreak! Another mystery! Another question lurking in my mind! Another family disunited! Another relationship goal turned off side….Another divorce!

Stumbling upon a divorce news isn’t a new thing anymore. Everyday there’s an update about the falling apart of two people we once saw as one, and loved their togetherness, hit us in the heart like the combination of a tornado and a volcano. The heartbreaking news leaves us weak.

So I’m here putting these letters and words together and wondering why this happens all the time. Why does love once held high get smashed on the floor and shatter into tiny ugly pieces? Why does something that is meant to spread the aura of commitment ooze with the stench of abandonment? Why do vows that were once scribbles of a wanting and yearning heart suddenly taste like juice from the greenest bile?

So many times I’ve asked so many whys and allowed myself sink in the puzzle of the intricacies of marriage, something so strong yet so fragile. Why is divorce such a common thing at such uninterrupted succession? Why is the sacredness of marriage clad in filthy linen? Was it always this way, or has social media only made it more obvious to us? Or is there actually something about the modern times that doesn’t sit well with marriage?

During the times of our parents and their parents before, divorce rate wasn’t as high as it is now,  and one cannot but wonder if the evolution of marriage over the years has somehow contributed to the prevalence of divorce.

In the Stone Age, the concept of marriage was a way of organizing and controlling sexual conduct and providing a stable structure for child bearing and the tasks of daily life but that concept has taken different forms over time through the influence of different cultures and different eras.

Ever since the world existed, a lot of developments have occurred, and this is evident in the way people gain access and are exposed to information, way of life, methods of socialising, adaptation to culture and lots more.

Marriage in the 21st century is one of those sensations that has characterized the wonder of the world. Just as other things have experienced evolution and change over the years into sophistication in the 21st century, so also has marriage.

The concept of marriage which used to be an exclusive binding of a man and a woman together to become one and run their lives as one entity by going through the good, the bad and the ugly together has birthed different other concepts like “open marriage” . The literal contradiction in that term alone gives place for one to have confusing thoughts about what marriage is actually about.

In an era where there are so many other ideologies like the “baby mama” and “baby daddy” ideology where a man and a woman just copulate for the sake of having children and without any exclusive relationship agreement or commitment, or the “single mother” and “single father” ideology where a person can decide not to marry, so they adopt children they can call theirs.

Then there’s the “side chick” ideology – where a lady can live off a married man and have a life without caring what the society thinks about it. It is safe to say that the characteristics of marriage, as a concept for bringing man and woman together to enjoy companionship and raise children together, is gradually going into hibernation.

Despite the guiding principles for a successful marriage, it is clear that there’s no guarantee for a lasting marriage in the 21st century. Our idea of marriage is complicated, as a result of the ideologies attached to it.

There’s a new study according to Dr Rick Nauert that suggests that “the institution of marriage has also changed as a result of women’s educational attainment, earnings potential and involvement in the work force”.

Feminism has enriched women under the propagation of gender equality, which is the absence of obvious or hidden disparities among individuals based on gender, disparities that include discrimination in terms of opportunities, resources, services, benefits, DECISION-MAKING POWER and influence. But as the institution of marriage generally depicts that the man is the head of the home and is in charge of providing for the home and women should “submit” to them, feminism states that men and women are equal. And with the women folk equipped with this exposure, they are quick to pick out any red flag that trumps on their rights whenever they arise in marriage. This has created a discord between the “acceptable” idea of marriage and the freedom of women from the rather unequal and unfair expectations of marriage over them.

This begs the question that does the traditional idea of marriage enslave women? And now that women have “seen the light” under feminism, does it cause a strain on the tenacity of marriage? Or was marriage conceptualized to “enslave” women which makes it an unpleasant institution for women?

Is this the reason women are also now quick to initiate divorce – unlike in the older times when women were expected to accept and conform to every situation in marriage?

There is also the issue of the influence of social media on marriages. From the inception of a marriage journey which is the engagement drama most guys put their theatrical best into, to the pre wedding pictures, the colourful and fun hen party, the wedding pictures, the wedding gown, reception dress, bridal train, aso ebi, and all the colorful and fun shenanigans of weddings, intending couples are now more focused on these on-the-surface activities rather than focusing on whoever they’re taking the vows with to determine if they really want to be committed to the institution of marriage.

Many people run into marriages for the wrong reasons and eventually end it and adding to the statistics of “why did I get married?”

Tomorrow I’ll open the news and see another divorce story and keep analysing and wondering if the 21st century is a safe era for marriage and I’ll hope that someday marriage won’t evolve into something worse.

I’m one of those who still believes in marriage; one of those who love seeing people commit to themselves and make marriage work, I’m one of those who, against ideologies, concepts and theories, have faith in the institution called marriage.

Photo Credit: © Igor Golubov | Dreamstime

My name is Eva Funsho. Im passionate about being attentive to people and their emotional needs so I call myself "the listener" I run talkk2eva, a platform I established online as a medium to reach out to people who are at a cross road over basic personal issues that could result in mental health conditions like depression and suicide. I also use my platform to educate people on emotional communication and to fight cyberbullying on social media. My activities are on my Instagram Id @talkk2eva, Eva Funsho on Facebook and fo_eva2 on Twitter.

26 Comments

  1. Rampage

    September 29, 2017 at 7:38 am

    Feminism and marriage don’t mix.

    • The girl who eats jollof

      September 29, 2017 at 7:49 am

      So you drank ogogoro this morning?shut up!

    • layolomo

      September 29, 2017 at 8:02 am

      .. anyone with a brain can see the correlation between the rise of feminism and divorce rates.

    • Rampage

      September 29, 2017 at 8:09 am

      Excellent article though. Social media effects are often overlooked.

    • Liro

      September 29, 2017 at 12:33 pm

      so what now? we should be enslaved all so we can make things normal…… Am sad……. i will have daughters someday…….it is disappointing the way some men thinks.

  2. john

    September 29, 2017 at 8:07 am

    that is why I say that feminists or women with feminist tendencies should never ever marry….baby mama fits them

    • Asterix

      October 12, 2017 at 12:24 pm

      John, please I’m begging You, STOP BEING ALIVE. The very breath you take is a waste of resources.

  3. Ephi

    September 29, 2017 at 8:20 am

    As long as people continue to base the decision to get married on infatuation, feelings, pressures and material factors, rather than values and shared interests, the cookie will eventually crumble. I was reading an article/study about how arranged marriages start out lukewarm but grow in love, whilst marriages based on ‘love/lust’ start out flaming hot and cool down in max 2 years.

    If the foundations be destroyed, what can the righteous do?

    For the Christian singles, I highly recommend these books in order to question your intentions and get your head screwed on rightly before making the plunge. :
    – Sacred Search (Gary Thomas)
    – Things I Wish I’d Known Before We Got Married (Gary Chapman)

    There are marriages working and blossoming, it’s not all doom and gloom so let’s not despair 🙂

  4. kayla

    September 29, 2017 at 8:23 am

    it’s a good thing John that women divorce men like you…. Divorce wasn’t as rampant years back ,One reason is because women were always advised to take anything they see…that has changed a bit

    • john

      September 29, 2017 at 9:17 am

      1) women divorce men like me is a myth and only a dream.. maybe the lazy, beta males u have in your family…bcos men like me do not tolerate shit and are the ones that divorce women and throw them out of the house without blinking ( believe it or not)..while they wail and shout men are scum to those who will care to listen.

      2) u said that One reason is because women were always advised to take anything they see…..and I ask the queation , now they are now advised not to take anything they see..hiw has that work out for them…look, this is a man world , a smart and a real man knows that no matter what that everything works to our advantage..whether marriage or not and left for me I prefer a non -marriage situation for men ..it has more advantages expecially if u have money and In Nigeria….that is the basic truth and reality.

  5. Future

    September 29, 2017 at 8:24 am

    Eva you have raised some valid points. I wonder, was marriage conceptualised to enslave the ‘African woman’? because these days it’s so difficult to see what she benefits from this union asides kids. With the way things are going in the country, I see a Nigeria where women would voluntarily decide not to get married(non-feminist ladies) have a kid or adopt one and save themselves the drama.
    I don’t know where and how this generation got it wrong, i only hope we can fix it….

    • BlueEyed

      September 29, 2017 at 9:09 am

      And that future my dear, isn’t so bad trust me.
      More half assed men are being raised without a proper template on how to be a true man/father, they’ve watched their absentee/dead beat/violent fathers and have now grown up with even worse settings than their predecessors. The only silver lining is that with time more and more women are not allowing this crap like a lot of our mothers did. So yes modern marriage might seem like a farce but it is exposing the true cracks and some realities that surround the institution.

    • Rrrrrrr

      September 29, 2017 at 9:15 am

      I totally agree with you. sometimes looking back on the institution of marriage our parents practiced, the woman was caged and made to feel inferior. she believed she had to shrink and beg alms from the man she married. Cater to his needs, be his balm, be his cheerleader, be his companion, be his sexual release when he needed it. All these while her feelings where a taboo to even be considered. Many of our mothers believed this was marriage and they stayed. they stayed for the children and “what would people say”. I am not married but I am currently witnessing my stepmom experiencing a midlife crisis. she probably assumed marriage would be all to end all and once her husband retired and it dawned on her time had past, it was a rude awakening. Truth is everyone deserves to be treated with dignity. A lot of women have come into their own without marriage and I understand it is hard for men to catch up. It is hard because a lot of them still have the notion that those women who swallowed maltreatment and disrespect only to celebrate 20, 30, 40 years of marriage with old age high bp and cancer ridden bodies are still at their beck and call. Women are human too. The moment we realize this then marriage would be the union it was proposed to be, Christ and his church, not Emperor and his subjects.

  6. Tee

    September 29, 2017 at 8:37 am

    A lot of misogynists up in this shit(the comment section) so the women alone are to blame. Wow give yourselves resounding claps

    • Ada_ugo

      October 30, 2017 at 5:24 am

      I hope u know the meaning of misogyny…

  7. HOPE

    September 29, 2017 at 8:41 am

    Eva, all the points you’ve raised contribute one way or the other. But I believe that people you be with like minds. If you’re feminist inclined, stick to a man with such ideologies and you will be happy (I am a living proof of this example). Do not pretend to be who you are not. Do not marry someone who is a very traditional man and then keep asking why you’re treated in such a misogynist manner and then file for divorce. People have to be true to who they really are if not it becomes a problem when you get married. Marriage shows who one really is, people don’t just change. Everyone has a core to them and that is constant. Do not be carried away with the “razzmatazz” of dating and a wedding ceremony or even picture-perfect couple that you forget the most important thing which is what lies at the core of this person, what are his guiding principles. I got lucky to have grown up to be able to decide what was important and what wasn’t. Many people are not this lucky and only look at surface values (societal expectations)

  8. HOPE

    September 29, 2017 at 8:46 am

    As an addendum, we need to raise better children as parents. Children who understand the dynamics of the times we live in now. We should not kid ourselves that we’re still in the era of that famous children sing-song “Mother in the kitchen cooking rice, daddy in parlour and the son is playing football and the girl is helping mother” or even the one that portrays mother as being at home and not earning, when it is obvious that the era has changed and sometimes the mothers are working more. This will change expectations early on.

  9. Madman

    September 29, 2017 at 9:11 am

    1. Marriage is a choice

    2. When married to the right person, marriage is sweet.

  10. john

    September 29, 2017 at 9:28 am

    @kayla

    1) women divorce men like me is a myth and only a dream.. maybe the lazy, beta males u have in your family…bcos men like me do not tolerate sh*t and are the ones that divorce women and throw them outof the house without blinking ( believe it or not)..while they wail and shout men are scum to those who will care to listen.2) u said that One reason isbecause women were always advised to take anything they see…..and I ask the queation , now they are now advised not to takeanything they see..hiw has that work out for them…look, this is a man world , a smart and a real man knows that no matter what that everything works to our advantage..whether marriage or not and left for me I prefer a non -marriage situation for men ..it has more advantages expecially if u have money and In Nigeria….that is the basic truth and reality.

  11. john

    September 29, 2017 at 10:04 am

    @blueeyed
    More half assed men are being raised without a proper template on how to be a true man/father, they’ve watched their absentee/dead beat/violentfathers and have now grown up with even worse settings than their predecessors………………women and thier short -sightedness and poor reasoning.. Now I understand why women are caution not to take advise from their fellow women… .and in this ur world filled with half assed men ..what do u think is happening to the women ..or dont u think they are going to be a lot of half assed women too….why do u think thr is now a very high population of runs girl( that service men and will do anything for money and even much more beautiful , even mixed chicks ) ,oloshos, baby mamas, mistresses and concubine ( who are now even getting bolder and bolder and now challenging wives in their own homes and the population is even growing at a much higher rate than before.. goto all nigerian major cities like abuja( it is becoming a disease here), lagos, PH..I was in akwaibom for the orange festival..come and see them even imported girls and come see the Jelousy from dark skin/ light skin/ bleached skin Nigerian girls ….lol..as I said ..everything works to our advantage ( no matter what) unless u are as poor as a church rat , then women will start doing gra gra and applying all the rules of feminism on you

  12. marlee

    September 29, 2017 at 11:10 am

    @Rrrrrrrrr….. i love you love you love you rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…

    • Rrrrrrr

      September 29, 2017 at 11:20 am

      Love u more @marlee?

    • Ephi

      September 29, 2017 at 11:47 am

      @Rrrrrrr and marlee,
      awwww, such a nice start to the weekend seeing two random strangers being nice to each other 🙂 stay blsd both!

      now, if only john, chief and the rest of their crew could learn this rather than the constant cantankerous comments, lol.

  13. Liz Bennet

    September 29, 2017 at 11:44 am

    I always tell people that nothing new is happening in this era. Everything happening these days happened centuries ago. We always like to behave like our ancestors were morally upright but they weren’t. The writer’s mention of the Stone Age, made me smile. Do you know what happened in Sodom and Gomorrah or ancient Rome (get a clue from Spartacus), do you know the reasons for all those laws in the Old testament against sexual immorality? What about Solomon who had 300 wives and 700 concubines? My dear, sexual promiscuity did not start today. There were baby mamas and baby daddies centuries ago. If there weren’t, how was the word “bastard” coined?In addition, polygamy was very common in yesteryears, most side-chicks were upgraded to second and third wives. Nothing new there. Cheap internet and social media has simply just made us more aware of these happenings.
    On another note, in the past a large percentage of women used to be housewives and therefore had no option but to accept all the nonsense their husbands dished out to them. Most women these days are educated, have their own and are just want to be treated with respect. Most men are still so hung on the past that they expect their wives to tolerate their bulls**t just the way their mums tolerated their fathers’.
    Divorce is on the rise, no doubt, not because women have become feminists, but because the men have refused to moved with the times. It’s okay to believe in marriage. But as someone said, you better marry someone who has the same ideologies as you. Even then, it still takes the Grace of God to make a marriage work.

  14. MsBY

    September 29, 2017 at 12:41 pm

    In my opinion, our parents failed us and their parents failed them. It was only a matter of time before it totally crashed. My ex-husband said ‘What is the big deal? All my friends beat their wives. My dad beat my mom. What is the big deal. It’s a man’s world’?. His dad probably saw his own dad beat his mom and it was normal for him too. The similarities between my ex and his dad are almost in everything. Verbal and emotional abuse, public humiliations, malice keeping, beating, angry at the drop of a hat, moody all day, cheaters, desires to be feared and worshipped while bn charismatic and manipulative to the rest of the world. What did they expect him to turn out like as an adult? They can’t even talk to him because he doesn’t listen to them. Even his mother would leave if she could turn back time. We saw the mistakes our parents made. The perpetrators and the victims alike. They see it too but they cannot turn back the hands of time. For something to work sometimes, it has to breakdown completely for it to be rebuilt. The institution of most Nigerian marriages is based on the ridiculous belief that the woman is an object, not to be seen or heard (but she has to contribute to the household or be a footmat. Either one or the other) . The man is a King and a baby at the same time! Well oya nau, how is that working out? Not so good, right? The beliefs and values have to change. The mothers are now telling the daughters not to make the same mistakes they did. I don’t know if the fathers are talking to the sons yet; they’re not victims afterall. But the women are and will not stay in abusive and unhappy marriages for the sake of raising and educating their daughters only to see them up in same situation. That’s why we are bolder now. We are more educated, more stubborn, have more opportunities, better options, more support, more resources, more drive than our mothers and we will take difficult decisions, if that is what it comes to. We will not be our mothers. They don’t want us to be them either.

    • Loki

      October 12, 2017 at 12:47 pm

      I love you. Marry me.

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