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Nnamdi Omesiete: What Nobody Tells You About Sexting



I’m a prude and not the good kind of prude. I’m certainly always oblivious to flirtatious banter thrown at me. It’s not like I ooze a sort of Idris Elba sexuality when I walk on the street. I mean, I may give off a confused-teddy-bear vibe when I try to smile, but never that roaring-sexy-beast aura. And worse, if you text me something like:

“So…I’m wearing a sexy lace bra and panties”; you might get a reply like:

“Oh ok. And how is that going for you? Is this a work obligation?” or worse:

“Congratulations. And you are telling me this because?”
I sincerely feel like that I have to prep people for these sorts of conversations and so I’m always confused when they get upset or complain that I’m not romantic.

“You sef one naira romance no dey your body”.

Please, how do I explain to these ladies that I’m probably stressed out from sitting in an Apapa to Mile 2 bus, listening to two men argue over how long they can last in bed no matter how drunk they are. Even more how do I explain without being mocked that I, on the other hand, am wearing singlet and wrapper my favourite home wear combo gifted to me by dear mummy? I mean, I haven’t added chewing stick to the combination yet, so can I live?

Sexting is an extremely stressful and excruciating process. Who even came up with the idea? Someone just sat down and said to themselves: “Today, I will have sex via text. I will sext.”

Maybe it wouldn’t be so tedious if I didn’t have to deal with the abysmal service providers in this country that are determined to never let me flourish to full capacity. Before long, I’m left sitting with proverbial blue balls wondering if I crossed some line or the person has had enough of me. Don’t even get me started on auto correct. The blasted thing will be the death of me. It’s a necessity I guess, but imagine being in the zone, trying to pass a specific message across, and your phone decides on its own to change your motive or choice of words. Instead it sends a message completely different, perhaps a message that pleads with the person to get into a zone no one will ever be comfortable getting into.

Sexting isn’t that all bad though. You can literally create a brand new persona that’s totally different from your current state. For instance you can be washing beans or soaking your white shirt but you can make your fellow sexter believe that you are just at home chilling with a glass of wine. Or you could give off the impression that you are gloriously spread out on your bed amidst lit candles, whereas you’re lying on the concrete floor, swatting away mosquitos and counting the minutes before your rechargeable fan dies off.

I once threw the topic of sexting out to a couple of people at a party, and as usual, mess ensued. A lady admitted she was all for it, but she didn’t like the part where men, being their usual selves, would ask for sexy photos. “Send a photo for the boys”,and ruin everything as she probably had lied about what she was wearing or she just couldn’t be bothered to send a photo.

A couple of guys, however, said sexting or phone sex is always tricky since you never know what line not to cross during the conversation. Also you don’t want to go too far and the lady blocks you. The guys’ observation, I totally agree with. You never know how far is too far, and you don’t want to end up sounding like some depraved sex starved school boy.

My question is this though: How far is too far in phone sex and is it something you would do?

Photo Credit: Dreamstime | Opolja

Nnamdi is a civil servant and satire writer.  He is a co-host of The Rant Nation podcast and a ratchet TV show enthusiast. He spends his free time writing  about music,movies and being a reluctant adult at

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