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Nnamdi Omesiete: What Nobody Tells You About Sexting

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I’m a prude and not the good kind of prude. I’m certainly always oblivious to flirtatious banter thrown at me. It’s not like I ooze a sort of Idris Elba sexuality when I walk on the street. I mean, I may give off a confused-teddy-bear vibe when I try to smile, but never that roaring-sexy-beast aura. And worse, if you text me something like:

“So…I’m wearing a sexy lace bra and panties”; you might get a reply like:

“Oh ok. And how is that going for you? Is this a work obligation?” or worse:

“Congratulations. And you are telling me this because?”
I sincerely feel like that I have to prep people for these sorts of conversations and so I’m always confused when they get upset or complain that I’m not romantic.

“You sef one naira romance no dey your body”.

Please, how do I explain to these ladies that I’m probably stressed out from sitting in an Apapa to Mile 2 bus, listening to two men argue over how long they can last in bed no matter how drunk they are. Even more how do I explain without being mocked that I, on the other hand, am wearing singlet and wrapper my favourite home wear combo gifted to me by dear mummy? I mean, I haven’t added chewing stick to the combination yet, so can I live?

Sexting is an extremely stressful and excruciating process. Who even came up with the idea? Someone just sat down and said to themselves: “Today, I will have sex via text. I will sext.”

Maybe it wouldn’t be so tedious if I didn’t have to deal with the abysmal service providers in this country that are determined to never let me flourish to full capacity. Before long, I’m left sitting with proverbial blue balls wondering if I crossed some line or the person has had enough of me. Don’t even get me started on auto correct. The blasted thing will be the death of me. It’s a necessity I guess, but imagine being in the zone, trying to pass a specific message across, and your phone decides on its own to change your motive or choice of words. Instead it sends a message completely different, perhaps a message that pleads with the person to get into a zone no one will ever be comfortable getting into.

Sexting isn’t that all bad though. You can literally create a brand new persona that’s totally different from your current state. For instance you can be washing beans or soaking your white shirt but you can make your fellow sexter believe that you are just at home chilling with a glass of wine. Or you could give off the impression that you are gloriously spread out on your bed amidst lit candles, whereas you’re lying on the concrete floor, swatting away mosquitos and counting the minutes before your rechargeable fan dies off.

I once threw the topic of sexting out to a couple of people at a party, and as usual, mess ensued. A lady admitted she was all for it, but she didn’t like the part where men, being their usual selves, would ask for sexy photos. “Send a photo for the boys”,and ruin everything as she probably had lied about what she was wearing or she just couldn’t be bothered to send a photo.

A couple of guys, however, said sexting or phone sex is always tricky since you never know what line not to cross during the conversation. Also you don’t want to go too far and the lady blocks you. The guys’ observation, I totally agree with. You never know how far is too far, and you don’t want to end up sounding like some depraved sex starved school boy.

My question is this though: How far is too far in phone sex and is it something you would do?

Photo Credit: Dreamstime | Opolja

Nnamdi is a civil servant and satire writer.  He is a co-host of The Rant Nation podcast and a ratchet TV show enthusiast. He spends his free time writing  about music,movies and being a reluctant adult at www.orobointhecitycom.wordpress.com

16 Comments

  1. Jane

    October 2, 2017 at 2:23 pm

    How far is to far? It’s like asking, how much stealing is too much stealing? Hpw about not stealing since you know its bad? My opinion, especially for singles, DON’T. Period.

    • Fleur

      October 2, 2017 at 5:57 pm

      Exactly. Do Not Sext if you are somebody or have a bright future. All you need is a scorned spouse, girlfriend, lost phone, etc and you become embarrassed. Do Not Send nude or partially nude Photos. Anything you cannot share with your kids – do not share

  2. Late bloomer

    October 2, 2017 at 2:33 pm

    I’m really confused on this one, cos my boyfriend always wants to see me naked via video call but I’m not too comfortable with it. I feel sex is sex as long as you get the pleasure

    • S

      October 2, 2017 at 2:46 pm

      My boyfriend and I actually do this quite often these days as we live in different cities and don’t get to see each other as often as we’d like. I was also uncomfortable with it at first but I’ve gotten used to it. It keeps the spark alive and heightens our intimacy, plus it’s actually really fun!

    • Biker Chic

      October 2, 2017 at 5:08 pm

      You are playing with fire and eternal Eba and Rice if you try am.

      Anyways @writer, you got me lol at “Even more how do I explain without being mocked that I, on the other hand, am wearing singlet and wrapper my favourite home wear combo gifted to me by dear mummy”?

  3. Sherlie Holmes

    October 2, 2017 at 4:20 pm

    My advise – don’t you dare do it with any bf/gf. Keep that ish between your husband/wifey only. Cuz if your relationship pare, you don’t know how those things may end up. Disgruntled exes are capable of anything. Ti e ba e!

    • Temi

      October 2, 2017 at 6:03 pm

      IF the relationship ends then husband nkan? N he shares it ! Would be acceptable then Cus of he/she was married hence it was in the confines of marriages .
      Think it’s better to address the underlining issue
      If I say certain things to you as my best friend I don’t need to I say oh don’t tell anyone’s Cus there’s an expectation of keep things private yeah?
      Somethings are to be kept private , and if you’re not mature enough to keep things private and quiet then you’ve got no business being in a relationship or getting married .
      Kepp things private , stop gossiping , stop trying to show off what you’re bf/gf/wife/husbands sends to you in raunchy tomes
      Simply said don’t kiss and tell only babies do that’s

  4. Temi

    October 2, 2017 at 5:54 pm

    If you’re not dating a baby (age is not a factor) . Sexting shouldn’t be an issue. A grown man or woman would not be showing anybody their sexual partners raunchy pictures or videos . If that person is doing that, then they’re obviously not mature . Whether you’re angry or I broke up with you doesn’t make it okay to show the world things we shared in private that were supposedly for you only . I’m definitely not against sexting. I actually find it very sexy and naughty. I’m not married . I’m in a serious relationship and we are long distance and sexting actually is fun and helps to relieve sexual stress and tension.
    Im okay with it as long as I trust that person completely , and oh well if he does manage to share our private times with the world. Oh well, shame on him/her. We would have better judgment on partners and what to or not to share till you gain their complete trust

    • #Proudnigerian

      October 2, 2017 at 10:05 pm

      “Im okay with it as long as I trust that person completely”
      The truth is can you trust ANYBODY in this wicked world?

    • PeeCeeCee

      October 3, 2017 at 11:37 am

      So, how do you know who is presently a ‘baby’ or end up a ‘baby’ when things go awry? My advise: DON’T do it. There’s no point of a headache caused by fucking momentary pleasures. Wait to see the person (I recommend only for married mates) before showing off ‘dem goods.

  5. papacy

    October 2, 2017 at 6:06 pm

    I only find sexting fun if you’re good with sexual metaphors. I don’t have to call organs out for you to know what i imply.

    • memebaby

      October 3, 2017 at 2:12 am

      this is true!

  6. AceOfSpades

    October 2, 2017 at 9:04 pm

    Sexting doesn’t have to include sending nudes now. Sexting is fun and I think it’s for those who recognize and also have a sense of humor too.

    Dropping sexual innuendos here and there in chats should lighten you up even in such situation you described up there unless your sense of humor is somehow sha.

  7. Mrs O

    October 2, 2017 at 9:58 pm

    Sexting is so much fun esp when botj have a sense of humor. Keeps.the sparks alive. I recommend it, but only within the confines of a secure relationship.

  8. memebaby

    October 3, 2017 at 2:10 am

    I don’t sext.. too scared of receipt ..never sent nudes too..same reason.. i don’t want to hear about RECEIPTS!
    if you choose to send nudes.. pls don’t add your face or a part of your body you cant deny (eg known scars, piercings or birthmarks)

  9. Ebi

    October 5, 2017 at 2:27 pm

    Lol. I think it’s fun sometimes ??. But if it gets too much, na blue balls go kill you wherever you are

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