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Nkem Says: Just Shut Up & Kiss the Girl

Nkem Ndem

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My obsession with reading and watching movies started quite early. My parents were not huge on parental guidance or censoring, so at age 8 I was already bored of Roald Dhal, Enid Blyton, Baby Sitter’s Club, Mallory Towers e.t.c and moving on to V.C Andrew, Danielle Steel e.t.c. I never had a Mills and Boon or Harlequin phase like most girls, at the time, did. I loathed those books. I felt they were too short and ended too quickly. Also, the romance was too easy- the stories almost always ended the same way and seemed a little too fabricated.

I believe my obsession with V.C Andrew was the greatest! I remember the day I found the movie for “Flowers in the Attic” in my mom’s room, I dusted it and ran downstairs to watch it. I had already read the entire series and was super elated about finding the visual version.  Unfortunately, my elder sister (who is a bully, by the way) joined me in the sitting room, and when she saw me rewind a kissing scene twice, she got irritated. She said something rude like: “This is why you rushed to watch this film, okwa ya? So that you can be watching people who are kissing?”

The tone of her voice showed that she was already convinced that my mind was “decayed”. She had failed to see the magic in the kiss that got me entranced though. The magic that would have captivated her as well, had she been paying attention.

The screen couple did not wait for the cheesy, divine moment where they were lost in each other’s eyes. The man did not ask the girl, “Do you want me to kiss you?” He just grabbed her and kissed her. It was different. It was genuine. It was perfect.

Perhaps my longing for that kind of magic was the reason I did not have my first kiss until I was 24. That, and maybe the fact that I also hated anything that involved saliva.  I had met guys that gave me goosebumps and made me want to just pounce on them and suck their faces off, but something almost always went wrong.

Most guys want to receive “clear signals” from the girl before they kiss her – the moment when they look into her eyes and she looks back long enough to give him a reason to lean into her for a kiss. That is understandable; you don’t want to be embarrassed or piss her off.

Also, you are worried about consent issues and coming off as creepy or too forward, horny, or disrespectful.  But what if you really like this girl? You feel like you she likes you too, and you want to let her know just how much you feel in a kiss… but you keep missing the perfect moment or your attempts to initiate it keeps failing. Maybe each time you try to hold her gaze, she looks away or she has a blank look in her eyes. What next?

I asked someone this question and he said, “I will ask her if I can kiss her to save us the stress. If she says yes, fine; and if she says No, it’s still okay”

But I say, no need for too much talk just shut the hell up and kiss her. Seriously, just do it.

You can catch her off guard with a kiss or you can take a deep breath, look at her, lean in gently, and just do it slowly. A bright glowing neon sign that says “YOU CAN KISS ME NOW!” does not have to appear on her forehead.  You don’t need a perfect moment. You don’t need to prepare a speech to seek permission. That will too much talk.

Besides, asking her if you can kiss her could actually backfire, because she could feel like you are putting her on the spot and withdraw, even when she wants you to. Sometimes, you need to speak with your actions rather than words from your mouth. The fact that she is there with you, listening, and your gut feeling says she is into you, there is a strong chance she wants you to kiss her too. Grab her, pull her into you and lay it on her. And if she turns her head the other way or pushes you back, just apologize and say you got the wrong idea. It’s still okay.  Isn’t it?

Nkem Ndem is a dynamic freelance writer and editor who can be reached for copywriting, editing and proofreading. She is also a content creator (web, T.V, radio) who has had stints with Jumia and SpiceTV Africa e.t.c. Now she works at Glam Africa as Online editor and BellaNaija as Features writer. E-mail: [email protected]; IG: @kem_dem; Twitter: @ndemv

23 Comments

  1. Summer

    December 8, 2017 at 6:10 pm

    Just kiss her ke? What if she does not want to be kissed?
    I think people need to stop depending on ‘signals’ and obtain consent to avoid stories that touch.

  2. Richards

    December 8, 2017 at 6:53 pm

    Kiss a crush without consent? The thunderous slaps to follow will lack censored. I still like my lips the way they are

  3. Oma

    December 8, 2017 at 6:53 pm

    Lol…So romantic. But I thought people are suing because of non consensual sexual (flirtatious) activities?

  4. Meee

    December 8, 2017 at 6:54 pm

    Erm no Nkem it does not work all the time o. I remember a very good friend of mine tried this once. On my part I felt we were platonic friends, not knowing bros was thinking further ahead. I mean we hung out once a while either movies or eating at fast food (nothing romantic) and I made sure we shared the bills or alternated in payments. Then this one day we go to watch a movie and bros tries to kiss me… like why? It was not even a romantic movie self. He apologized, but our relationship was never the same after that. So the fact that you like a girl does not mean she reciprocates those feelings too and trying to kiss her would just make everything awkward between you guys.

  5. Deleke

    December 8, 2017 at 7:06 pm

    Just kiss her ke? especially a naija sister? Na slap u go chop

  6. bruno

    December 8, 2017 at 7:29 pm

    nigerians don’t know how to kiss. seeing two nigerians kissing makes me want to vomit. yuck

    • Bit

      December 9, 2017 at 2:37 pm

      ???

    • seriously

      December 12, 2017 at 3:25 pm

      lol…Bruno you are nutcase. So yourself included makes you want to vomit.

  7. Asa

    December 8, 2017 at 8:12 pm

    Nkem you mean you weren’t being sarcastic? No way jare. Consent is key. I visited my neighbour so many years back and when I stood up to leave, he kissed me. I nearly slapped out his teeth completely but I restrained myself because we were alone and the revenge to my slap could get out of hand. Don’t worry, I can make it simple, if it’s our first date please ask me. If you can’t ask me, start coming close, if I want the kiss, me too I will start coming close. If not I will jump out of your reach.

  8. Hmmmm

    December 8, 2017 at 10:08 pm

    This concept only makes sense in romance movies and novels that’s because they are unrealistic. In the real world you absolutely need a woman’s consent before kissing her because stolen kisses are a form of sexual harassment.

  9. Tito

    December 8, 2017 at 10:34 pm

    ??? I don’t even know what to say. In this era of consent & sexual misconduct? Nah fam. I agree one shouldn’t play it too safe because that might kill the moment but it’s still better to be safe than sorry. And not ‘jumping’ her would even show you respect her I think.

  10. CrazyWorld

    December 8, 2017 at 11:11 pm

    Kiss to many Nigerian men minus me means pre-sex. The moment you allow a kiss, they are going to boobie and bum bum which will ruin the moment or the girl will say she didn’t sign up for those, she wants only kiss.

    • Flow

      December 9, 2017 at 8:32 am

      Thank God you know your brothers, so since you claim to be different, oya drop your number.

  11. Mama

    December 9, 2017 at 12:00 am

    While others y’all are talking about kiss, i’m just here reminiscing of my novel reading days. Chai!.…I too read a lot of VC Andrews: flowers in the garden, petals in the wind, if there be thorns etc. Now that i think about it, the whole story was about incest fa! Didn’t even know there was a movie. But i was so hungry to read that i read everything i could lay my hands on. Dean Koontz, Stephen King, James Patterson, John Saul, Jackie Collins and then a whole lot of mills and boon, hints and heart magazine and the likes . Since I couldn’t afford to buy books then, I always waited for my ‘aunty’ neighbour to buy then i would read after her.

    To think I started two books over a year ago and still haven’t been able to finish as we speak…smh. I need to get back into my passion.

    Anyway, sorry for the deviation. As you were! ?

    • Anon

      December 9, 2017 at 1:29 am

      Love the “as you were” bit. I use it too, thanks to Liam. G.

    • Nkem

      December 13, 2017 at 6:07 pm

      LOL. @mama Yes. V. C. Andrew was obsessed with incest. She almost made it seem like incest was normal. But her storylines were always so captivating!

  12. Confused

    December 9, 2017 at 1:43 am

    BNers, I need your help.

    I met a guy on a plane and we had a wonderful conversation. I didn’t think anything about it cos he was a few months older so I considered him a Smallie besides he’s an intern doctor while I’ve worked for a while and I’m mid management. We’re both 28.

    We had a date once and I conversed with him like if talk with my younger brother. We were fine till he held my waist. His hands felt so warm and I felt like a teenager again.

    The next thing, we were by a car talking till my uber came ( I was coming from a work function so I didn’t have my personal car with me while he, well he’s an intern doctor so he doesn’t have a car though he said he has a car back home and us trying to live the low key live during his internship).

    When the uber came, I heard myself saying ‘come with me in the cab for a while’ cos I just wanted him around me, he made me feel 17 again. I lay in his arms and then asked the Uber to take me to his house where we had sex and it was magical. I lay in his arms till morning and a part of me thought ‘okay, nice but back to reality’ until he called the next day and we began to have looong conversations. I spent the next weekend in his house and all we did was talk, laugh and lie in each other’s arms for hours. We were surprised when we got outside and it was already dark. I kept hugging him and asking him to hold my hand and he said ‘ the baby in you is his coming out and I like it’
    The last time I spent in his house. I swore never to talk to him again cos he tried having sex with me and I didn’t want it; I was angry cos his calls had reduced, weeks before, we used to talk everyday but he hardly called that week. To be honest, I allowed him do what he wanted with my body but I wasn’t feeling it. I kept saying ‘you didn’t call as often as you used to’ he stopped and said ‘you don’t blackmail a man like this, stop trying to manipulate me with s*x. You know what, you’d have to go home now. I got angry and said ‘ I should go home cos I haven’t performed by job abi? Is that what I am, then maybe I should charge, I need a brand new Venza since you’re trying to call me a slut.’ He got angry and walked out of the house and when he came back, he asked what I wanted to eat. We went out to get fries and we laughed and had a good time.
    That night, I couldn’t sleep. I wanted him to hold me, do you know he refused? When I tried arousing him, he turned away from me the moment his body began to react. I was restless and he didn’t budge.
    Do you know this guy got me breakfast, laughed with me, gisted etc in the morning but that was it, he didn’t even touch me. BNers, I’m a hot babe in every sense of the word.
    I left his house and swore never to talk to him again, in fact I agreed to go on a date with another toaster (36 year old handsome petroleum engineer) the kind of man I should be dating.
    But, it isn’t working. All through yesterday, I kept having throwbacks of this intern doctor, I wanted him badly. I couldn’t control myself. My body was on fire. I could hear his voice, the things he does to me kept playing in my head and then I called him and didn’t know when I told him how I was feeling. This fool was just tellin me to calm down and take my mind of it because we were far from each other bla bla bla. I expected him to call today but the Smallie is feeling himself.
    I need advice on how to get over him coz he’s not good for me.

    • nito

      December 20, 2017 at 1:09 pm

      If you are not ready to treat this guy with respect then leave him alone. You talk about the guy like if He is beneath you but truth is He is not. So the sooner you start changing your perception about this guy the better for you.

      Well personally, I will advise you to stay off sex with anyone who you are not married to, build a solid relationship that is not influenced mainly by sex, at least that way you will be able to think clearly.

      I don’t think you are confused just like that, you are confused because great sex is involved.

    • nito

      December 20, 2017 at 1:10 pm

      @Is this not Aunty Bella material?

  13. Future

    December 9, 2017 at 9:54 am

    Thanks nkem for reminding me, my 1st kiss was @ 22 and it was dissapointing. Those novels and movies have a way of heightening one’s expectations. However, I remember he clearly asked me even though we had been dating for a while and it felt really good and respectful. The 2nd kiss was the bomb though….hehehehe

    • Curious

      December 9, 2017 at 2:05 pm

      Was the second kiss from the same person?

    • S

      December 10, 2017 at 10:03 am

      Honey, you’ll go far. You ask the right questions ??

  14. Future

    December 9, 2017 at 3:43 pm

    Yes @ curious….he was my 1st love

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