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BN Hot Topic: Is Expecting Men to be Financially Buoyant by Default a Part of Patriarchy?

BellaNaija.com

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It’s a reality that cannot be denied: men are expected to go into relationships with deep pockets.

Disagree, insist, fight, the truth is that’s exactly the way things are right now.

No one will be surprised to learn that there are men who pay their wife’s and/or girlfriend’s allowances. But that’s going too far, even.

In relationships, including marriages, most of the time, men foot the bill.

This is not to assert that it is women who perpetuate this expectation. Certainly, men exist whose egos and self esteem sit delicately on their ability to provide.

The question is: this expectation, this responsibility, is it time to strike to down, let it wash away with the passing tide of patriarchy?

A Twitter user, @Monaayy, believes so. She has charged her followers to do away with “broke shaming.” Expecting a man to be financially buoyant simply because he is a man is akin to expecting a woman to be domestic simply because she is a woman, she said.

Do you think this is true?

See her tweets below, and let us know what you think:

43 Comments

  1. cMBO

    March 6, 2018 at 12:45 pm

    True, True. True.

  2. OJ

    March 6, 2018 at 1:06 pm

    “I’m a strong black independent woman, I don’t a man, I can take care of myself blablabla”…. Yea right. And you still expect the man to pay for your shit….With all your education, degrees careers, exposures, they are still stuck with my money is my money mentality…..na wa ooo, in this 2030 we are still encouraging awon dem dem to be financially empowered and supportive, as dem dem see relationships and marriage as a poverty alleviation scheme

    • Wande

      March 6, 2018 at 2:39 pm

      Ode, the ENTIRE post is about not expecting men to pay. You just like to hear yourself say the same redundant sht over and over again.

  3. bam bam

    March 6, 2018 at 1:08 pm

    couldn’t agree more…

  4. Nana

    March 6, 2018 at 1:08 pm

    BN Hot Topic: Is expecting Men to be Financially Buoyant by Default a Part of Patriarchy? Of course it is. This is just one reason why feminism is extremely important. It benefits men, women and the whole society.

    • NaSo

      March 6, 2018 at 2:04 pm

      @Nana 3rd wave feminism benefits no one, well maybe lesbians. A new term is needed to describe a course that pursues fairness for all. U a’ll watch a good course (1st and 2nd wave feminism) hijacked, and some of u are still in denial. By the way BN editor even if you dont post this, atleast you read it. And maybe u’ll learn a thing or two. I post and dock, cant wait for replies from 3rd wavers…wait of time reasoning with u all!

  5. Aare farmland

    March 6, 2018 at 1:31 pm

    I believe everybody in Nigeria is too stuck on material things(matter). To me love of a mother/wife, peace at home, understanding is much more than eating oil/assorted ingredient or material filled food.

    On provider, whether mom or dad, we will be interested in one being buoyant, right now the dad is an easy target. Dad’s role has a provider partly relates to social constructs of a previous era/milieu. when life was brutish and physical demanding, men had to be strong to protect their family and being strong also means better access to resources and recognition. Some Nigerians in the farmland are still stuck in the traditional era but that is what our ancestral dna has ingrained in us, no need to abuse them. As world changes and the activities, tasks and work need intelligence to accomplish as much or much more than strength, the social construct or story we tell will change. so if nigeria provides job that needs intelligence and some strength, yes but if your country provides job that needs strength and idiocy then ppl will look up to the men. it depends on the type of country we want, progressive or regressive.

    • Dayo

      March 6, 2018 at 7:52 pm

      Patriarchy is not a peculiarly Nigerian trait nor is it confined to farming communities. Even in Silicon Valley, it remains more the norm than not. While patriarchy may have its anthropological roots in the cave man, it long ago became a cultural construct. It will deconstruct (or be deconstructed) as cultures evolve.

  6. SoniaPaloma

    March 6, 2018 at 1:43 pm

    Very apt. The saying, ‘do unto others what you want done you’ comes to play here.
    If you do not expect your place to be in the kitchen then be sure not to expect the man to provide for the home alone. If a man is bringing pounded yam to the table, you as the woman should be able to provide the soup for devouring it 🙂

    • SoniaPaloma

      March 6, 2018 at 1:45 pm

      done to you*

  7. whocares

    March 6, 2018 at 1:47 pm

    I agree with the post; it is a very sexist way of thinking and I would not encourage or support it. Bell hooks defined feminism as the movement against sexism, sexual exploitation and oppression.. anyone can be sexist- either male or female as sexism is prejudice or discrimination on the basis of a person’s sex or gender.. so, if you expect a man to be rich simply because he owns a prick, you are sexist, change your ways.

  8. Jummy

    March 6, 2018 at 1:48 pm

    I really don’t care whether men are financially buoyant or nah. But my HUSBAND? That’s another thing entirely.

    I don’t mind contributing in some way to the family, but the bulk of the money has to come from my husband. In turn, I don’t mind doing the domestic chores in the house and taking care of my husband and children’s needs. And this is coming from a lady who is not even naturally domesticated.

    So in essence, don’t care about what random men do what their money. But would want my husband to be the breadwinner of the family. My mum was the breadwinner in my family and I know the toll it took on her (physically, emotionally) Plus I think husbands are better suited to be providers (don’t hold your breath though, this is just personal opinion)

    I guess I’m a flag bearing member of the patriarchy then. Lol.

    • Dayo

      March 6, 2018 at 7:44 pm

      @Jummy, the post is not about “random” men. Accordingly, stripped of all intellectual pretensions, you are still stuck on the same primordial (and sexist) culture of patriachy.

  9. Mrs chidukane

    March 6, 2018 at 1:53 pm

    So true. Broke shaming men is bad. However, you can only know a guy’s true character when he is not broke.

  10. Rko

    March 6, 2018 at 1:56 pm

    I completely agree; not that it is a reason for a man to be lazy. After all, the woman still has to carry a fetus for 9 months. Being all women is not all about domestic chores as much as being a man is not all about financial responsibilities.

  11. yes o!

    March 6, 2018 at 1:57 pm

    @Jummy you just spoke my mind. What you said is very correct.

  12. Bleed Blue

    March 6, 2018 at 2:17 pm

    You ask our young men today “why don’t you have a girlfriend?”…most of the time, the answer you get is “Ah, where is the money for that?”.

    While of course we understand money is important, a lot of Nigerian females need to do better with the unhealthy focus they place on it…in relationships as well as in marriages. And before you say pim, they’ve quoted 1Timothy 5:8 for you, a verse I strongly believe applies to both genders…

    I’m quick to tell the females in my life that if the only thing that makes you respect a man is the state of his pocket, then sista, let’s not quarrel but you lack substance.

    • Jcsgrl

      March 6, 2018 at 8:06 pm

      Bleedblue my beautiful sis. You speak my heart this evening. In fact I was about to post something on SM about my prayer for our young men. Like there are good men who are single but because they are not financially buoyant, they hold off on marriage. I have a darling brother who would make a great hubby: compassionate, supportive, peaceful, Christ centered, and with some good styling his handsomeness radiates, but no deep pockets. He’s in his mid thirties and would love to settle down but he lacks confidence to approach women because of his status.
      As much as we are empowering our women, the men too need help. Not just financial but a mindset change which validates them regardless of their financial status. We need to extol character more than pockets.
      Yes most women do not feel comfortable being breadwinner but if we can get a man who is willing to shelve ego, I know we ‘women’ can push that man to enviable heights. But our men, ego will not let them humble themselves and listen to the women or work with them.
      Men if your woman is doing better than you, just humble yourself and trust her to push you. In no time you will not recognize yourself. Don’t be ashamed of learning from your woman or even supporting her endevours.I can tell numerous stories of men who wouldn’t listen to their wives advice regarding business ventures because it was not theirs or too demeaning. Frustration and depression resulted. The very very few who did are better off than they were. So umu nwoke you need help. Take it if your woman is offering it!

    • TheRealist

      March 7, 2018 at 12:05 am

      @Jcsgrl, one person’s “push” is another’s nag… LOL!

  13. KENZ

    March 6, 2018 at 2:39 pm

    @BleedBlue you are very CORRECT, truth is even the one you are already dating anytime she ask for money and you are unable to provide, she makes you feel so bad that you dont dare tell her no money next time she comes crying for money

  14. Anonymous

    March 6, 2018 at 3:30 pm

    This reminds me of my ex-girlfriend. Earns well but being stingy and hiding under my man must take care of me financially was her second nature.

    We were going on a vacation, which was going to cost $5000. I paid around $4000 for tickets. Because my bank card had already reached the daily limit, I asked her to pay $1000 for the hotel, as the price could be higher by the next day. She declined outrightly cause it was my “responsibility”. Alas, this was the eye opener I needed, the experience that broke the camels back. I didn’t complain, paid for the hotel the next day. 2 weeks later, we packed and went on vacation but at the back of my mind, I couldn’t wait for the vacation to be over and call the whole charade of a relationship off. Of course, I helped her to take fancy pictures for instagram and smiled for the Snapchat during the dying period of the relationship.

    Got back home, next morning, declared the relationship over, with best wishes for a successful future.

    • Jummy

      March 6, 2018 at 4:02 pm

      Wow. Your girlfriend is very selfish oh. You had already spent 4k and she couldn’t drop 1k even though she could afford it? Good thing you left her. That one will see you struggling financially and won’t even drop a dime because “my money is my money”

    • Ever Green

      March 7, 2018 at 12:05 pm

      Good riddance to bad rubbish, I am female but I don’t support that self entitlement coming from any gender, you did well jare.

  15. Let's talk

    March 6, 2018 at 4:24 pm

    i agree with this writer, i have always correct my husband if he tells me, though he helps but sometimes sayss ‘is it not your responsibility. i quickly correct him that when we share the bills into two and i pay, i dont say ‘is it not your responsibility. in as much as i am not one of the women that thinks a man should provide for every need in the house, when it comes to some household chores, pls do not think it is my responsibility that you are helping me with.

    1
  16. girly

    March 6, 2018 at 4:30 pm

    I know some men will be happy about this post. Awon a lai nikan tele. you better make money to remain the head in your relationship

    • OJ

      March 6, 2018 at 9:05 pm

      See one of dem oooo….can’t even distinguish between been a breadwinner and Gods given authority. You better get your lazy ass up and go win bread to support the home

    • Nahum

      March 7, 2018 at 3:59 am

      Why did I burst out laughing at your comment?? ????

  17. Engoz

    March 6, 2018 at 4:39 pm

    I sincerely hope men that expect their wives to take care of the ‘home’, are not putting mouth in this conversation. You are as guilty as these women and part of the problem.

    • Jummy

      March 6, 2018 at 6:00 pm

      I’m genuinely curious An God, what do you mean when you say men expect their wives to take care of the home? And what in your opinion is wrong with that premise?

    • Engoz

      March 7, 2018 at 9:52 pm

      Naa that conversation will be above your intelligence. Just stay where you are. It is Ok.

    • John

      March 7, 2018 at 10:25 pm

      Jummy dont bother ..she do not even have the answer ..she just wants to emotionally comment and feel important. ..fishbrains and logic doesn’t mix well ..logic =0…

    • Engoz

      March 8, 2018 at 7:19 pm

      Yeah the original fish brain John has arrived. .John, stay where you are. Na by force. It is above your mental faculty. So, I should write and waste a script with you people that have the intelligence of an earthworm. Lmao! You must be joking. I don’t throw my pearls to dogs. You want to pollute my genetic pool with your bastard genetic pool. You dey craze for head. Stay where you are!

  18. Mrs chidukane

    March 6, 2018 at 5:01 pm

    You tried @anonymous. What a woman. Many are like that oh. The stories my brother tells me about dating in Lagos is something else. Girls will refuse to even talk to you if they feel you are earning below their expectations. When those same girls see you with fancy stuff, they will swarm all over you like flies, expecting you to pick up their bills. Well, I must admit I once avoided broke men after dating two of them. The guy that now had money was as stingy as hell,lol. He used to send me airtime on Sundays alone. Anything other than that, OYO is your name. I was in University then. With growth comes maturity sha. Money is good, a loving relationship is better. Having both is the best.

  19. Hmm

    March 6, 2018 at 5:24 pm

    If a girlfriend wants money that bad, why don’t she ask her dad! Monisola thank you for this write-up, double standards from the feminists womenfolk – IF a boyfriend asked for sex all the time and complained that his lady was weak in the bedroom department – She would lament.

    This is what breeds toxic relationships – Money for hand ladies, back for ground. Ladies asking their boyfriend for transport money for visit, money for this and that, where did they get the mentality from? And they wonder why they are played as side chics without respect or abort numerous times without sympathy from the boyfriend.

    They whole dating game in Nigeria should be revamped.

    I am all woman

  20. Respect

    March 6, 2018 at 5:32 pm

    I spoke to a few friends years back on money and parents, who pays what – and from what I gathered it is shared – I have seen where women are the sole providers of the home, but to an outsider it would seem that that husband is the breadwinner….

    You don’t really know what goes on behind closed doors.

  21. Dayo

    March 6, 2018 at 8:10 pm

    I feel this discourse is beginning to drift and conflating different issues. Personally, one of the biggest issues that I have come to find in Nigerian men is that many of them seem to expect any female to be flattered to be the object of their interest (love or prurient) – regardless of whether or not they have anything going for them. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with women setting standards for relationships, and if one of those happens to be financial status (hopefully not the only), then so be it. It is their lives to live. The notion that any man (regardless of how broke, unambitious, unclean or uninteresting) can just saunter up to a women and be met with a welcome mat is the real sexism. If you are a guy who finds himself only attracted to the type of women who like money, then go get some. Otherwise, quit with the whining.

    • OJ

      March 6, 2018 at 9:23 pm

      Ooooppps, that’s another one of dem on the loose….if there’s nothing wrong in women settings scerain financial standards for men to meet up with, there’s also nothing wrong in men setting similar standards for women……we are not even wired that naturally and a lot of you lot will loose out eventually…. Sorry, but broke ass or stingy ladies are not attractive at all

    • Manny

      March 6, 2018 at 10:44 pm

      Yes o Nigeria where every man sauntering up to a woman expects to be received with a welcome mat. Refusal is not interpreted as disinterest but as pride.

  22. Anita

    March 6, 2018 at 8:17 pm

    I usually wouldn’t comment but I will this time. See ehn, we make assumptions of people without knowing their realities. I’m a feminist to the core but one thing I’ve promised myself is that I won’t form super woman like my mum has done almost all her marital life. I was once an idealist who believed that if I shared financial responsibilities with my husband, he will also share domestic responsibilities with me. Our society is not yet ready for this. We expect women to take on financial responsibilities at the same time take on domestic responsibilities fully. How is that fair? I have promised myself that I won’t even fight anyone anymore. I will work hard to make enough money for myself so as not to be financially abused or disrespected by a man. At the same time, if the man is not willing to me half way, he will carry his financial cross himself with regards to his children. I cannot come and go and kill myself. How has being a super woman helped my mother? We her kids have told her that she was the one who enabled our dad to be even more laid back. It would have been more bearable if he pulled his weight around in other areas but naaa. He cannot even make pap for himself. With my own kind of experience, you think I would walk with my eyes open into that kind of marriage? If my man meets me half way then your story will follow, if not then we will continue to patriaching ourselves. I will take care of me but he will take care of everything else. And no, I’m not lazy. I have a good job and several projects that bring in the money. Mi o le waku.

    1
    • mie

      March 7, 2018 at 4:58 pm

      @Anita March 6, 2018 at 8:17 pm

      At the end of the day, with or without feminism, patriarchy,religion and society, a good (wo)man is a good (wo)man. If your partner is inherently a good person, and are ready to give what it takes to make your relationship work, they would do just that. They will meet you halfway or whatever-point-on-the-way. You both will decide what works best for you and go along with your lives.

      To answer the question “Is expecting Men to be Financially Buoyant by Default a Part of Patriarchy?”, I think so. Because it suggests that men are entitled to (well-/better- paying) jobs, and hence are expected to have (more) money to foot the bill. If we are to embrace feminism (=fairness and equality between sexes), we would have to dispel assumptions that a certain sex/gender should by default (based on their sex/gender) be more financially buoyant, or be the sole provider in a relationship.

      I feel like I typed with so many parentheses though… Lol…

  23. Dayo

    March 6, 2018 at 9:40 pm

    @OJ, everybody (be it male, female, transgender, asexual, etc) should set their own standards for relationships.

  24. Mummy yoma

    March 7, 2018 at 9:15 am

    I sorry for the man that expects a woman to help him. I pray he comes out of the relationship with his pride infact. You know us women now………………

    • John

      March 7, 2018 at 10:41 pm

      I hear you mummy..I pity them too..we all know is easier said than done… but a good woman is a good woman.. my uncle went broke ..it was the wife that sustained them throughout ..and she didnt evem know the meaning of femtard talkless of becoming one..she was just good .. ..and nonone knew ..not even pim until later the man just said it in one of his conversation ..how blessed he was
      ..she gave him his respect till the day he died..the woman is now very old . So what I am trying to say…a good woman is a good woman regardless of whether she was born during the time of moses…A bad womyn is a bad womyn .

      it doesn’t matter if she was born in heaven..afterall a man will feed his wife for 100yrs and no one will hear about it but a woman will feed his husband for a day and the whole community will hear about it.( and it happens more in this generation of slay queens and social media hoes )
      Personally, i believe that in marriage if your wife is richer than you and start showing some kind attitude. .better walk out of that marriage for your own sanity( nature will be by your side unlike the opposite ).it is better you live in your own bungalow than in a palace with an rude woman.

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