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Eniola Olasebikan: Between Mr. Available & Mr. Right

Eniola Olaosebikan

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There’s one saying that comes to mind with this title, one that makes me chuckle: “If Mr. Right is not available, then drag the Mr. Available to the right and make him right”.

It’s sure a funny joke, if you think about it. However, it is the reality of what has always been done. Ask some grandmas, they would tell you they wouldn’t have married their husbands back then, but he was the only one available and ready when they decided (or perhaps their parents decided) to take the plunge.

Do I really blame people for dragging the ‘poor’ Mr. Available to the right? Maybe not. Is it advisable to do so?  My answer would be no.

The fact is that, the world we live in is really making it difficult for singles- especially ladies- to be single in peace. People meeting you, even for the first time when they realize you are single are always quick to ask, “so when are we eating the rice?” as though it is in your control. The worst about being single perhaps, is people thinking you are the one that is not serious/ready. Meanwhile for quite some time, there’s been a real drought of men… if you understand what I mean.

To an extent, we’ve been made to believe after university comes marriage, like life automatically follows a natural and stern pattern for everyone. Immediately you are born, your life is already mentally arranged for you. You first go to primary school, then secondary school; after which you go to the university and some seconds after graduation literally as a lady- you get married (not even get a job; your husband will take care of you). No one leaves the room for the mystery your life is and at that, the mystery and wonder it should become.

Do I blame people for having such sequence? Maybe no; because to an extent, it’s been what has been happening through the ages. When things happen that sequentially for a sustainable time, it is made a norm. So, everyone from no where just expects you to show up with a man after you finish school. It is an unspoken rule which makes the search for a fiancé (not even a boyfriend) a hard end goal, when in the final year at the university. And so after some years of leaving school and there is no sign of a wedding invitation coming up, people begin to ask rather impatiently- when are we eating the rice? Well, I once read someone’s epic reply- “at your funeral” even though it was said in her mind. You can imagine the extent of frustration that made someone come up with such reply.

Having said that, I really understand the pressure we get as ladies to get married. And sometimes pressures aside, our longings and desires of how we want our lives to be sometimes also push us to turn the Mr. Available into Mr. Right.

All that being said, who is Mr. Available?  He is a guy that hovers around you, perhaps wouldn’t mind marrying you, but you know is not right for you, based on what you know you want in a man, and who in the long run you perceive yourself to be.

In some cases, it could be a friend that talks nothing about marriage but you decide to ‘seduce’ in some ways to save you from the ‘shame’ of not being married and also to give you a social status (Mrs.) so at least all your ‘enemies’ can shut up and perhaps you too can finally post your wedding pictures on social media (Social media palaver- a topic for another day).

Who is Mr. Right? A man you know without a doubt is right for you. A man you feel so peaceful about (The peace you have in your mind constantly over a stable period of time I believe is a vital factor in knowing if he’s right or not); a man you are happy and confident being with. This been said, being Mr. Right does not mean he is perfect, it only means for the most part, he ticks your innermost, true and sincere needs and matches truly who you see yourself to be in the nearest future.

The context of Mr. Right and Mr. Available already explained, why is it not advisable to make Mr. Available, Mr. Right? This is simply because it might lead to inner dissatisfaction and loss/lack of joy in the long run. The reasons why you quickly dragged him to the ‘right’ would fizzle out after a while, leaving you with the reality of the matter because those facts that made him not right in the first place that you know about but overlooked for the sake of getting married would get magnified over time. It would get magnified in a way that constantly annoys or irritates you, such that robs you of your joy and happiness of being with him.

Marriage, as we all know, is a magnifier of behavior, both the ones ignored and probably the ones acknowledged. For example if he was sincerely courteous before you got married, chances are that in marriage, he would not deviate from that and as a matter of fact, might become better at it. On the flip side, if he was an alcoholic before marriage (and being with an alcoholic man was what you knew you could not cope with), chances are that he either would not change. Status quo is maintained, or he would change for the worse.

It’s your choice. Knowing the expected consequence of a thing helps us to weigh our actions. In the long run, it helps us decide if we really want to stay with decisions that would make us appear successful on the outside, but burning fast on the inside; or decisions that makes us appear seemingly ‘losing’ on the outside but winning on the inside. In the long run, we have our peace and sanity intact, and the choice to choose who we know from our gut is right for us peacefully and substantially remains. In addition to the latter is the assurance of being peaceful and joyful (provided the right things are put in place) when in the end we get married.

We have choice and freewill. We can decide to go for Mr. Available by dragging him to the right based on popular opinion, or decide to hold on to our peace and sanity by intentionally waiting for the right man to come into the picture while getting busy and focused in the process. Either way,the choice is up to us because in the long run, it is our life and we rule and run it just the way we want, and we think is best.

Photo Credit: Dreamstime

Eniola Olaosebikan is a creative, spontaneous and in-depth writer. She writes poems, fictions, articles, songs, speeches and biographies. She holds a master degree in International Business Management from the Aberystwyth University, Wales, United Kingdom. She also speaks at conferences and seminars. You can connect with her on her social media handles; @Facebook- Eniola Olaosebikan @Instagram - cream_legend @Twitter- TheEniolaOBlog site: https://soulwriteralways.blogspot.com.ng/

18 Comments

  1. cj

    April 30, 2018 at 11:09 pm

    a nice read I must confess.I totally agree with ur definition of peace of mind.However,do we know dat be it mr right&mr available,d love in marriage fades away approximately 2/3yrs after? &what sustains d marriage is sacrifice(d 5 love language by Garry Chapman)shld b helpful for clarity sake.After reading it ds yr,I can confidently look up to getting married with a smile only if I apply all dz love signs.

    • Henry

      May 1, 2018 at 4:10 am

      Please tell her ohh,so she can wake from this ferry tale and face reality,waiting for Mr right is an illusion,the right one comes from those people around you, they don’t drop from the skies,step down from that high horse,you will definitely find amazing people around,stop using the word “available” on humans,it sounds demeaning,like they are some trash you want to help convert to treasure.
      There’s greatness inside everyone.

  2. Anne

    April 30, 2018 at 11:40 pm

    I can talk from my own personal experience. When people ask you to pray and ask God, they sound overtly spiritual but only he knows past and future years. I prayed and fasted, I have made decisions in life o but praise God, in marriage I got it right. Make sure Mr Right also loves you o because you will fight till you get tired. Don’t become Miss Available .A family friend has just returned to the woman he felt he should have gotten married to, people advised him against it but he did not listen. He left his wife and moved to another state. A popular example is that of Prince Charles and Princess Diana.

    • Anonymous

      May 1, 2018 at 8:39 am

      Just a quick question.. did you family friend leave(miss available ) for the new miss right..
      I don’t quite get the scenario. I have same problem with my decision… My Mr Right is my best friend but he has a girlfriend , we broke up 5years ago. There is this Mr available, just my friend and a very good man. I have prayed about this, I am still praying but Mr available is so in love with me…

  3. Melinda

    May 1, 2018 at 10:32 am

    @ Henry- there is indeed greatness inside everyone. Why don’t you go and choose an eccentric lady by the roadside and make her your wife or perhaps marry her for your brother if you are already married? After all she is human and I’m sure her family members will thank you for your thoughtfulness and your gold heart of seeing the treasure in every human being. Plus she is around you, no need to wait…

    Besides, since there is treasure in every human being and there are more than 6 billion people on earth, why don’t you just close your eyes and choose someone in respective of if your belief and value system matches or not? Always read contexts before jumping into sincere but invalid conclusions. Perhaps Chimamanda was right after all in her response.

  4. Chibaby

    May 1, 2018 at 1:53 pm

    Honestly this article was very timely for me at least. I am at that point in my life where i have to decide between Mr right and Mr available. Mr available tends to have his shit together, is usually quite happy to commit today and tomorrow, ticks most of the generic boxes, but there are usually serious reasons why we can’t be together, or i just don’t find him attractive.
    With Mr right on the other hand, something must just be wrong. Genotype, religious differences, cultural differences, parental disapproval, ego the size of Texas, not ready to commit, financially unstable etc.
    It is only by grace that you end up with a man that you actually want to be with, as opposed to the one that is ready to marry you by your 27th birthday, especially in our society where women are put on a very short clock for marriage.
    The danger to cave and just marry Mr available is a very real thing. One i am currently battling. God will help us!

    • Melinda

      May 2, 2018 at 11:44 am

      I feel you. The pressure is always there as ladies; both the one we give ourselves and the one the society tends to place on us.

      But then, with the issues you mentioned with Mr Right, are you sure he is indeed Mr Right? Perhaps you might want to know why he is not ready to commit, amidst other things. I would also suggest you hold on and give yourself enough time to think and pray through so no rushed decision is made and as a result, regret can be avoided.

      Much love @Chibaby

    • avenger

      May 2, 2018 at 4:26 pm

      babe…we need to have a discuss.i dont have a mr right but i have a mr available. Every one thinks i am being unreasonable but i cant think happily of a future with this mr available, he has no vices but he’s just a weird being and i never feel excited about him in any way. I really dont know what to do

    • Stayce

      May 22, 2018 at 4:33 pm

      I feel you Chibaby.
      i’m also in this same situation. Mr Right totally gets me, i can be myself with him, but he isnt financially ready yet.
      Now, Mr Available is crazy about me, nice, also intelligent, financially stable but i’m totally not attracted to him. As in attraction is 0%. I cant even bring myself to hug him, its that bad.

      I’m just tired, half of the time.

  5. Ola

    May 1, 2018 at 8:39 pm

    I always love your write up. Thank you so much for always taking your time to put things into perspective. I hope to meet you one day. Kudos.

  6. Chrissy

    May 2, 2018 at 9:45 am

    I’m all for waiting and choosing Mr right as opposed to jumping on Mr available. However, it is very easy to get it twisted because who you consider Mr right might be absolutely wrong for you. I wish the author had alluded to this somehow as this is not quite as simplistic.

  7. Didi

    May 2, 2018 at 7:11 pm

    I have a slightly different experience. I had two awesome guys hovering around me. The first one is based in the States, he is my age mate, we have so much in common. Initially, we do use to argue a lot and at some point, it became concerning but things got better between us as days go by. He is someone I can be razz with and be all vulgar and whatnot. Physically, I was(at the time) attracted to him. Downside: He is still in school doing his Ph.D. and he was honest enough to tell me he does not think he would consider getting married until after his Ph.D. (at the time he was in his first year). I really like him, however, I know my chances of remaining a virgin was slim because of the physical attraction(to be honest, I didn’t really mind losing my virginity to him). I would say he was Mr. Right for me at that time

    Second Guy: 38 years and He was ready to get married, A Christian and a Dentist.(I live in Canada). We met through a mutual friend and he came to Canada to visit thrice. I cannot be vulgar around him because he is “like a Pastor”. Physically, I was not so attracted to him why?because he is short and also on the big side. He is a fine man about from the stature. He was Mr. Available. He is very matured and not always petty like the first guy.

    I prayed about it and of course, laid my cards on the table. Both guys were awesome but I was not sure I was ready to wait for Mr. Right to be done with school. What if he leaves me afterward? He was also not ready to move to Canada. Both guys knew about each other so It was not a secret but of course, I had not committed to anyone. Eventually, I went with Mr. Available and to be honest, It has been one of the best decisions of my life. We have been married for two years and we are doing well. Mr. Right has not gotten over me, sometimes we still talk and reminisce about the good days but I THINK I would have regretted my action assuming Mr. Available turned out differently. Maybe whom I considered being Mr. Right was actually not Mr. Right. I am glad I went with Mr. Available.

  8. FISHER

    May 3, 2018 at 7:31 am

    Hmmmmmmm. After reading both the write up & comments. Please permit me to share my personal opinion or perspective. We all have the right to define who Mr Right or Mr Available should be, but in reality the Mr Right does not always look like it (initially) & one tend to tag them as “Mr Available”. While the tagged Mr Right is the Mr Available in the actual sense. I stand to be corrected………

  9. Emmanuel

    May 3, 2018 at 8:26 am

    Either Mr Right or Mr Available;These personalities differs relatively.
    In my opinion, there wouldn’t be a Mr Right. Just an Available man striving to be the Right but with some inadequacy that could be tolerated.

  10. Bobosteke

    May 6, 2018 at 8:49 pm

    Would have moved past but let me drop this.

    I tried Mr. Available, let me just say that it is very important to know yourself very well, before committing to anyone else. My Mr. Available will not migrate to right. No fire in my bones, no joy in my soul. Just a dead plank of boring conversations and bleak interests.

    I don’t consider that I would want someone as feisty or spry as I am. But I’m commonsensical enough to know that there should be basic same interests that you both enjoy. I’m out doorsy, love to travel, laughter, mischief and a partner in crime. I love to see the good in people and also to help them. These things are important to me in a lifetime commitment.

    Figure yourself out, first.

  11. cece

    May 6, 2018 at 11:16 pm

    Henry henry hmm so everybody has greatness in them? My dear that is a big lie greatness manifest based on your decisions and choices in life. Ehennn beta pple my dear writer first i would say a woman should know how to sheild herself from pressure because the pressures of life continues even after being married. Secondly dear writer dont make the mistake of deciding to marry because you want to belong to the married group or because your mates are married these are not reasons. if your writeup is for real ehh and what i read is correct as a counsellor i would say you are not yet mentally strong and emotionally strong to handle a married life. My dear marriage is serious business. Dear enjoy your singleness,savoy it while it last i know you would marry right in jesus name but take your time. You should know at this point in your life that how people view your singleness dont matter, marriage is beautiful dear and worth waiting for. Alot of those people asking you questions are silently suffering in their marriages so do you dear

    1
  12. cece

    May 6, 2018 at 11:22 pm

    I say do you because trust ALOT of married people wish they can be single again, they envy you but will not tell you why? Bbecos you still have the opportunity to decide but let God decide for you dear him alone knows everybodys cupboards both the ones that are dusty or decaying or clean he will chose right formyou

  13. Engoz

    May 22, 2018 at 7:57 pm

    I don’t understand this dynamic of Mr. Right vs. Mr. Available because there is nothing like Mr. available in my dictionary. If a man fits my defined criteria and family values (of course there are some petty things I can be flexible with but there are major things I can never ever be flexible with) and I’m attracted to him and he is attracted to me, we will have a defined relationship and then plan towards marriage. If I don’t like you, you will never be given my time, my number, nothing whatsoever, in fact just consider yourself dead in my head. And I expect the same allegiance from the man I’m in a relationship with. So where will a Mr. Available come from for me to be indecisive between two men? I agree with Bobosteke, people need to know who they are before plunging into relationships.

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