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Atoke’s Awkward Banter: Where Are the God Fearing Men?

Atoke

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Born into a deeply religious home, to two extremely Christian individuals, it was ingrained in me very early on that the true bedrock of a solid home was Christ.

Christ is the corner stone
On him alone we build

This hymn was one of the numerous songs that heralded our morning devotions. Led daily by my father, and co-anchored by my mother, our prayer sessions were evidence of a stable home. Or so I thought. A home where father prayed, mother read the Bible and children belted choruses in praise of the heavenly hosts.

According to my mother, the man I married would be the head of the home; as long as he had the fear of God, every other thing would fall into place. A man who fears and loves God would have all the other traits necessary for securing the foundation of a good home.

Our lives are hidden in Christ, in God.

So, throughout my formative years, God-fearing man was on the top of my list of things I wanted in a man.

Then an unfortunate thing happened.

I grew up and started to see the men in my life. None of them had the fear of God. They didn’t even pretend to love and respect this deity.

Other than the performative acts of repititive Sunday church attendance, I did not see any traits that reflected a love and fear of the revered most high. Men seemed to live as they willed and women were constantly reminded to remain pure. The scope of the required feminine purity was not limited to sexuality; it went without saying that it was an all encompassing form of restriction.

I moved away for secondary school and I lived with a family of Muslims in a predominantly Muslim town. Armed with the expectation that I’d find the human traits that I had been taught were indicative of the presence of the fear of God, I was once again disappointed. Perhaps I got it all wrong. Maybe my idea of the values of a God-fearing person was all wrong. Perhaps all it was meant to be was lip service – a badge one acquires and stores in the closet.

Let’s take a few steps back; what are these traits that I thought a God fearing man would have?

1: Spirit filled and prayerful
2: Altruistic and selfless
3: Loving unconditionally
4: Liberal in the action he pursues
5: Has a personal and ongoing relationship with his Spirit
6: Remains honest and trustworthy at all times
7: Maintains a connection/fellowship with members of his faith.

These traits paint a picture of perfection and this is why they exist only in fairy tales. Even the Nigerian mothers, who emphatically nudge you towards this mythical God-fearing man, know he does not exist. It is for this reason that at the wedding, prayers are intensified for the bride to hold her home. First, her friends pray for her that she finds happiness with the person she has chosen. Then, her mother, sisters and aunties uphold her spiritually. She is bestowed with the mantle of the spiritual upliftment of her new home.
At the religious ceremony, the couple is enjoined to ensure they make God the bedrock of their home. The man is reminded that he is the head of the home as ordained by God. The woman is then reminded of her responsibility to make sure the wind of faith never ebbs in the home. When the children come, she is to ensure she raises them in the way of God. The burden of supporting the family spiritually, rests solely on the woman.

And here lies the disconnect: if a man is supposed to be the head of the home, why is the woman responsible for the faith drive of the family?

Where are these God-fearing men that we were supposed to meet, love and spend the rest of our lives with? – the ones for whom we sang loudly “God give us Christian homes”.

In my experience, looking around my friends and family who are married, the wives are the ones who uphold the mantle of religious beliefs and actions. Some of my female friends who are Muslims complain about how they have to continuously urge their spouses to fast during Ramadan. The wives frown at the consumption of alcohol and other vices that contravene the Islamic laws.

My Christian friends have noted how they have to bribe, cajole and beg their husbands to attend Church or even pray with them. It is, oftentimes, a choice between the gaming console and attending fellowship.

The men, on the other hand, have a very flippant attitude towards spirituality, or dare I say the outward performance of their faith. A male friend once said his mother was responsible for praying for him and his brothers! It was his hope and belief that his future wife would intercede for his children.

So, are the men not raised to pay any attention to their faith or religion? How important is faith to the Nigerian man? Does he have any of the attendant traits that come with being a God fearing man? Do the men we see at church or at mosques have any plans for walking in the faith? Do these men go into marriages prepared to “hold their homes in the place of prayer?”

When my mother found out my sister-in-law was from a strong Catholic background, she was particularly excited. Referring to my sister in law, Mother said “At least she will be taking him to church”. It did not matter to her that her son was not Catholic nor did he profess any faith; what mattered was that there was now a woman in his life who would take responsibility for his spiritual safe passage into eternal life.

The faith burden, placed unwittingly on yet another woman.

A few years ago, a video was released on the Internet where Pastor E. A Adeboye, Lead Shepherd at the Redeemed Christian Church of God, told his male parishioners to not marry a woman who is unable to pray for an hour.

Marry a prayer warrior! Any girl who cannot pray for one hour non-stop, don’t marry her

Considering that spirituality and religion is a big deal in Nigeria, and the fact that women are supposedly “the neck and not the head” there is a lot of responsibility placed on the woman to support the family.

If the man is head of the home, and Nigerian women have been raised to seek God fearing men, it is confusing that the men appear to have  a very lackadaisical attitude in the area of faith and spirituality. Even in the single area of sexual purity, there is little or no expectation that the man comes to the marital bed undefiled. Ladies, tell me about your man’s sexual purity when you’re discussing wanting your man to be very well versed in the art of eating you out and making you howl in pleasure … as a newly wed! Hello, Double Standards. Is that you?

So, what traits are we looking for in these men? They clearly don’t have any of the characteristics that we have been taught that they’ll have.

Women are expected to bear the spiritual burden of not just themselves, but also the burden of the men they marry. In addition, they’re also responsible for ensuring the children are brought up in the faith! Did I hear somebody say ‘Super Woman’? Still, ‘neck and not the head’.

I spoke to a few women about the spirituality of their spouses; was it stronger when they were dating? Did things taper out after marriage? Did they have a family routine for keeping the flame of faith going?

My friend Molara said that she had caught her husband eating way too many times during Ramadan. According to her, she had given up because when they met he did not present himself as a faith driven Muslim anyway. She didn’t see the point in stressing herself. As long as she brought up her son in the way of Allah. She was fine.

Fola wasn’t so nonchalant about it. Her husband had promised he would stop drinking and smoking after they got married and had gotten into a really huge row a few days ago when they had gone to visit her parents and Ope was smoking outside her parents’ house. “During Ramadan! ” She screamed in frustration. For her, her faith was a big deal because her parents had only conceded to giving their blessing to the marriage because she promised them Ope was a God fearing Muslim and all the “iwa pálapàla” (bad behaviour) they sensed was just because he had a “bubbling personality.”

“Was his being a God-fearing Muslim a part of the selling point for you?” I asked, wanting to know if his faith (or lack of it) had any influence on her decision to marry him.

“God fearing kini? The Ọpẹ́yẹmí you know or another one? He is just called Abdulrasheed for nothing. He barely prays. But I love him. And I wasn’t going to date or marry someone of a different faith”

The final person I asked was Anu, whose husband goes to church every Sunday; he does not pray or do any other thing to reflect the fact that he checks the box ‘Christian’ on forms.  She mused quietly, “At least he goes with me. Hopefully when he grows older the Lord will touch his heart. In the meantime, I take solace that he comes with me. There are people whose husbands stay at home to watch basketball”

With that last salvo of what I imagined was a sub at another friend, I have to round up this post. So guys, where are the God fearing Nigerian men? The ones we’ve been raised to aspire and pray for?  Where are the men we’ve been groomed to take the lead in our lives?

P.S:

With Nigerian men and women bending over backwards to justify and support of fraud in the past few weeks, I am asking this question genuinely. Personally, I’d be very happy with a partner who does not come with the God-fearing title; as long as they come with certain positive life values and ethos, I’m good. I can’t now come and be having emotional turmoil about whether Le Boo is a fraudster and my last birthday present came from money laundering activities.

You probably wanna read a fancy bio? But first things first! Atoke published a book titled, +234 - An Awkward Guide to Being Nigerian. It's available on Amazon. ;)  Also available at Roving Heights bookstore.Okay, let's go on to the bio: With a Masters degree in Creative Writing from Swansea University, Atoke hopes to be known as more than just a retired foodie and a FitFam adherent. She can be reached for speechwriting, copywriting, letter writing, script writing, ghost writing  and book reviews by email – [email protected]. She tweets with the handle @atoke_ | Check out her Instagram page @atoke_ and visit her website atoke.com for more information.

64 Comments

  1. Ali Brothers Amusement rides

    June 11, 2018 at 11:01 am

    hi, your park is so nice.

    • bimpe

      June 11, 2018 at 10:10 pm

      Atoke my dear, from your statements its obvious you only have christian values based on your upbringing, you have not encountered JESUS CHRIST thats why you think its okay to marry a moralist that just good but not spiritual lif you were a true christian you will know firstly your life is no longer yours it belongs to God secondly you can never marry anyone outside your faith because your faith is the foundation on which your whole life stands so how do you stay in the same house with a man that doesn’t have such if i meet a guy i have feelings for i proceed to chat with him and it doesn’t take long for me to know his stand about life it cant hide. i was introduced to a guy who happened to be a pastor firstly i know its not by pastor ohh or choir leader but by words and actions, so we chated and the first four days of our chating he told me he does not believe in praying tongues, he likes those erotic songs, he like tatoos, he can wear earrings if need be etc i knew then he was just a CHURCH GOER even if they made him pastor. trust me when i say there are GOD FEARING GUYZ IN TOWN not church goers, they respect a womans body and run away from PRE MRITAL SEX, they have high STANDARDS BASED on GODS WORD they know when to talk and have control over their hormones and emotions they believe DIVORCE is never a way out of marital issues etc the list is unending BUT ATOKE it takes a true christian to recognise one. so my dear, first become a true christian then you will attract the true GOD FEARING GUYZ. My sister even complains her husband takes too much time to pray during their morning devotion, so there are still GOD FEARING WELL BEHAVED CHRISTIAN GUYZ and believe me they are also romantic but will not show you until they seriously are ready to meet your parents.

      1
    • TheIsokoGirl

      June 12, 2018 at 12:40 pm

      You can never marry someone outside your faith – hmmmmm

  2. where are they?

    June 11, 2018 at 11:20 am

    where are the God fearing women/ladies?
    All girls dont want a God fearing man
    The God fearing ones have learnt that they are on the loosing side
    Girls sleep up and down with all the bad boys in town and still form virgin for the God fearing ones.
    Girls after sleeping round town and being a bad girl, grows and age starts telling on them, then want to cajole/write articles about”God fearing men”

    ctrl shft del

  3. X

    June 11, 2018 at 11:26 am

    lmaooooooooooooo.. Atoke can’t be stressing herself with wondering if she should be getting ready to return birthday gift from le boo or nah – cos fraud. lool. Now to the topic..
    personally, i say i am more spiritual than religious. I don’t go to church often, and when I go it is not for the conventional sunday service; i find more peace in going on weekdays. I pray, i leave, if i am moved to do anything for the church, i do it, and leave. The pastor of my church is nice, i am able to have a chat with him on the days I go and i leave it at that. So for my partner, my requirement is not about religion really, but more about spirituality, and spirituality takes various forms that are not necessarily embedded in religion.. so a good, decent, person, who has a straight moral compass, is wholesome (in the will take time to meditate, knows themselves in a way most of us don’t nowadays etc) ticks the box for me.. heck, of the two of us, my own church going record is more dismal as the uncle is a must go to church every sunday type- i suspect it is habitual for him at this point and also because he hates staying indoors for long periods, so on sundays he knows he has morning plans. He is not even active at that church o. He goes, does whatever they do there and until the next week again. lmaoo.
    As for god fearing men in general, no god fearing people in general? I don’t have much expectation in that regard.. I never have. I am happy to pack my camp alongside a confirmed atheist with a good moral compass than a religious text of any kind thumper..

    • Ada

      June 11, 2018 at 3:56 pm

      This millenial idea of “spiritual not religious” is baloney excuse my French.

      Used to champion that too as well until I had a personal experience with God. Religion (ie the doctrines) AND spirituality are BOTH VERY important.

    • Of Mice and Men

      June 11, 2018 at 5:09 pm

      My dear, it isn’t baloney. There are thousands of folks who practice ‘secular spirituality’ and don’t give a single [email protected]#k about religion. What guides them are fundamental principles and ideals of humanism.

      AND. I. AM. ONE. OF. THEM.

    • Cocoa

      June 12, 2018 at 8:24 am

      What should guide them is GOD through His Word (Bible) and the counsel of the HOLY SPIRIT!

      “Fundamental prinicples of humanity” can not save humanity. The blood that JESUS shed on that cross is what SAVES.

    • whocares

      June 11, 2018 at 5:25 pm

      but your relationship with God is spiritual isn’t it? is it defined by organised religion or how much you go to church? lol. That’s why i said spirituality takes various guise. I pray,i fast, i go to church when i need that extra connection or my soul craves it.. but i will not call myself religious, i cannot quote a bible passage to save my life and i imagine a lot of the orthodox christian believes i don’t even know, believe or will abide by them.. i am the first to admit that I pick and chose which bible passages i want to apply in my life.. i take my faith one day at a time.. i might be singing a different tune in 10 years time, but for today and right now, this is where i am, and i will keep on building from here. it is better than where i was coming from.
      some people, what gives them solace, or how they chose to see God is not through religion. they meditate and find whatever they need to, some people are more humanist in their approach.. i say whatever gives a soul peace and fosters love is spiritual.. God is in everything!!! To conclude, your french is not excused, it is not for you to try to ascribe your version of spirituality to me. I don’t accept it.

    • Pat

      June 11, 2018 at 10:48 pm

      For the comment above. How can one be spritual not be able to to quote a Bible verse as mentioned about. Very interesting comments here. Let me keep reading

    • The real dee

      June 11, 2018 at 11:54 pm

      @Ada, I’ll explain what being religious is so you can understand why being religious is bad and being Spiritual is what we need.

      Take the Pharisee and Saducees in the Bible, examine their lifestyle, that is the definition of being Religious. Jesus himself admonished us not to be like them, there are several woes in the Bible, Jesus spoke against them.

      So what does being ‘religious’ mean?
      I’ve been religious before and I still know quite a number of religious people so I guess I can let you in on it.

      Being religious is:

      1. Being legalistic i.e. you are obsessed with the letter of the Bible( that is the literal law), you struggle to follow them, and undermine the importance of the Holy Spirit in your walk with God, forgetting that ‘the Letter killeth but the Spirit giveth life’.

      2. Self righteousness is your watchword. You are quick to point out other people’s inability to keep the laws like you do because you feel you’re better than them. In your mind, everyone is probably going to hell except you.

      3. You uphold all the laws but you lack love. You don’t care about others, it’s only ‘you’ standing in the presence of God and it’s only about you.

      4. You pray everyday, read your Bible everyday and don’t miss church services but it’s all to fulfill all righteousness. You have no relationship with the Holy Spirit, no Holy Ghost baptism.

      5. All the fruit of the Spirit is lacking in your life. Of course, when you are not baptized in the Holy Spirit, this would be the case.

      Now, look at the Pharisees& Saducees, of which Apostle Paul who used to be Saul was one of them, he was a very religious man until he had a personal encounter with Christ and was baptized in the Holy Ghost.

      That’s the difference between Religious and Spiritual.

      To Atoke’s post, yes there are God fearing men out there but many girls want the ‘Omo Wobe’ men, the ones that have swag lacking the presence of God, so they don’t focus on the right things.
      Also, you see all those casanova guys not worthy to be called ‘men’, after they’ve messed up several girls, they now go and look for the unassuming girl. And the unassuming girl who doesn’t have the spirit of discernment falls into their trap, marries them and kasala bursts.

      I married a God fearing man and all my friends married God fearing men. I kid you not! We don’t have ordinary eyes….lol. We have Holy Ghost charged vision.

    • Cocoa

      June 12, 2018 at 8:20 am

      Read your comment and read theirs. They are not talking about LEGALISM. One of them even said she PICKS AND CHOOSES what she likes from the Bible.

      When they say MEDITATE…a lot are not talking about the WORD OF GOD…

      If you dont believe the WORD OF GOD is the FINAL AUTHORITY and that you can only come to God through JESUS CHRIST. …..then your “SPIRITUALISM” is demonic.

      And i tell you this BODLY…i dont care if im called JUDGEENTAL..I wont see a LOST SOUL who thinks they are saved…and mind my own business.

      Even God leaves the flock to go looking FOR THEM. And may He bring them back home, AMEN.

    • E

      June 12, 2018 at 10:32 am

      And you honestly believe that this method (or attitude) of yours is effective in winning the lost soul back?!

    • Cocoa

      June 14, 2018 at 7:56 am

      -E,
      I throw the seed, another will pour the water…but it is GOD who will give the INCREASE.

      I am not delusional. Nothing I say or do can win a soul. Thats all GOD. I am but a vessel.

      Their ETERNITY is on the line. Im not here to lie to them in order to spare them offence. I am going to offend some, not because it is my intention but because it is INEVITABLE.

      If theres a NICER way to say ” You are lost” ..hopefully God will teach it to me.

      Take care dear 🙂

    • Cocoa

      June 11, 2018 at 5:29 pm

      You are lost….and sadly you dont know it. I will trust GOD ( whom you can only come to through JESUS CHRIST ) concerning your salvation.

      Take care

    • Of Mice and Men

      June 11, 2018 at 7:30 pm

      I guess your comment was directed at me. Anyways, I have learnt to ignore “holier-than-thou” folks like you.

      As humans, we are constantly choosing values in life. I choose secular spirituality and you have a problem with that?

      Issorait.

      Kontinu praying for me…

    • Cocoa

      June 12, 2018 at 8:38 am

      “Secular spiritualism” ?????

      No problem my dear…ill keep praying.

    • The Real Oma

      June 11, 2018 at 8:34 pm

      @Cocoa, you really are a very judgemental person.
      Anyways, I am with you @Who cares. I’m spiritual not religious and I am happy with my relationship with my creator, shikena.

    • Cocoa

      June 12, 2018 at 8:34 am

      Ask the Holy Soirit to give yu REVELATION on what JUDGEMENTAL means ..then come back.

      To judge someone is to say they are beyond redemption (only God can decide that) . I said they are LOST (because they are) ..I didnt say they cant be FOUND( -and i prayed that they will be)

      You dont like to hear the truth…you dont like correction….and you certainly do not like rebuke. I understand. I dont like it either…but i appreciate it. God disciplines those He loves.

      Salvation is worth the bruises.

  4. peaches

    June 11, 2018 at 11:33 am

    hmmm Atoke i dont totally agree with you my Bible says the man is the priest and as such is the one to uphold the faith of the home. well am happy to say my hubby holds my hand every morning and prays for our home and make prophetic declarations on us. so they are God fearing men and your mother was right to tell you to marry one cos to be honest the God factor is what holds in our human selfish nature.

  5. africhic

    June 11, 2018 at 11:34 am

    Are you back Atoke?

    Going back to read the article.

  6. Jummy

    June 11, 2018 at 11:35 am

    My ex-boyfriend is the definition of a God-fearing man. Sigh.

    We broke up because I was moving for school and we wanted to use this time away from each other to find ourselves in Christ.

    When we met we were both not Christians sef, but he had a personal experience with God and converted. Like his life did a COMPLETE 180. All the things he used to do he no longer does.

    All the drinking, smoking, sex, gone! He motivates me to be a better Christian and I honestly believe there are not too many men like him out there.

    We’re friends and we talk from time to time. I sincerely hope we end up together but may God’s will be done.

    So they may be rare, but there are sincerely God-fearing men out there.

    • Younglady

      June 11, 2018 at 12:50 pm

      Please introduce me to him if you do not want him again

    • ProudNigerian

      June 11, 2018 at 1:40 pm

      Lmaooooo @young lady find your own God fearing man. Anyways Atoke being religious does not make anybody whether male or female God fearing. Knowing WHO you are in Christ does. I will never settle for a man who has just morals. Morals does not immune you from SIN if there is no “spirit” within you that constantly keeps you in check doing certain things you will definitely give in one day.

    • Manny

      June 13, 2018 at 3:00 am

      ProudNigerian……..exactly!!

    • Jummy

      June 11, 2018 at 3:52 pm

      Lol. i guess you missed the part where I’m not over him yet…

    • Sia

      June 11, 2018 at 1:06 pm

      Please,I am also intrested. Pass him over

  7. Balanced lover

    June 11, 2018 at 11:39 am

    I like this article. I like Atoke’s write ups. Always. This one felt long but it was engaging enough to make you read/scan through. Kudos Atoke.

    I’ll like to say though that “God fearing” is relative. I know people who are God fearing if they were going to access themselves but to me, it’s an F.

    For some, I could rate them an A for quoting scriptures and going to church but their mindsets and attitude? Nasty! I even have a friend I tell I can’t marry him for this exact same thing.

    That being said, there are those who I’ll say, strike a balance. They pray, go to church and have good attitudes but guess what? Perfection is a fallacy. It doesn’t exist. They are not perfect all round. What if the person is now very short or cannot speak well or likes a particular way of dressing? Last last, we all have to choose the battles we want to fight. Will you rather have extremes or try to have a basic balance across board?

    My 2 cents 😀 Looking to see what others think 🙂

  8. Younglady

    June 11, 2018 at 12:52 pm

    Yay…Atoke is back…

  9. Chi

    June 11, 2018 at 1:26 pm

    Though not many, God fearing men exist. Personally know two with at least six of the seven of the traits listed. I do agree with peaches on your mother advice to marry one.

  10. Bos

    June 11, 2018 at 1:27 pm

    Men are raised by the true and real (not espoused) values of their mothers…..and conditioned by the society at the macro level, and the characters of the ladies in their lives at the micro level.

    When we have God fearing ladies become God fearing wives and mothers, God fearing gentlemen will follow suit.

    And when do we arrive at a point when ladies will articulate what they are bringing in to build a Godfearing relationship, as against the self centered search for a perfect man.

    In the meantime, can mothers’ in laws and wives agree first on who a Godfearing man is? I ask because fathers in law seldom have major disagreements, in definition or characterisation with their children’s spouses.

    And who become mothers in laws? I guess they are today’s ladies who are looking beyond the mirrors to see why Godfearing men are scarce…

  11. Las

    June 11, 2018 at 1:32 pm

    The emphasis here is GOD fearing. First of all, we were not given a spirit of fear, but one of love and a sound mind. The Greek here is from the root word ‘deilos’ which means dread. Secondly, the verse in the bible which I think inspired the ‘God-fearing’ is probably in Proverbs. The real Hebrew meaning is reverence/deep respect.

    Having said all that, I think you cannot have deep respect for someone you do not admire or know to a certain extent. Funnily enough, you don’t actually have to have a relationship with someone to respect them, but you do have to know someone (at least to a great degree) or at least have some kind of connection before you can revere them. I respect Oprah Winfrey, but do not revere her, as I understand she is human as I am. It is impossible to revere someone you do not know or want to know.

    I think the most important thing to look for in a person is their capacity to love, not eros or even philio, but agape. I know Christians use that word a lot and sometimes think they have an exclusive right to it, I don’t believe that to be true. People who have demonstrated this kind of love are people who have dedicated their lives to people they have/had no business helping. These are people who have been beaten, tortured or killed for standing against injustice. These are men and women who have given their lives for their fellow men. These are men and women who sacrificed so that generations after them could live better lives. A lot of people we hear about who have done this would not necessarily identify themselves with any particular religion or thought.

    Since God is love, I think the fastest way to identify a ‘God-fearing’ person is their ability to love selflessly. Love never fails.

    • That jw girl

      June 11, 2018 at 6:39 pm

      Na only you answer atoke question correctly . Thank you for your submission

    • The real dee

      June 12, 2018 at 12:05 am

      Las, please if someone has been killed for standing against injustice, how can a God-fearing girl marry such person? Asking for a friend.

      Ok,I’m just playing with ya….lol

    • BlueEyed

      June 12, 2018 at 12:32 am

      @Las you my dear, have spoken the truth.
      I have gone through different phases of faith, religiosity and spirituality to get to this point where I am now at peace and I have reconciled; my faith, my lifestyle and my spirituality.
      Truthfully, my old understanding of “God fearing” , for me as a young church going, bible thumping, tongue speaking christian, was top on my list as well. Over time I have realized that the true meaning of God fearing is not in the way we have been “righteously” taught.
      Now not to take away from the “religious juggernauts” who champion all the religious inclinations in Christianity, I have decided to design my own God fearing in a way that is befitting of my own knowledge and experience of faith and beliefs.
      My SO is the example of the kind of “God fearing” I respect and accept. He lives his life off the template of “Love”, pure agape love. His greatest strength is in his ability to love and from this stems genuine reverence for God and sincere compassion for the people around him. He is not half a church goer as I am. His knowledge of faith and the word of God is so deep, I have learnt and unlearnt some of the things I have thought to be biblical. He has a problem with organized religion but is never afraid to attend church with me. His relentless love for humanity irrespective of the countless times he has been let down, is mind boggling, I try to toughen him up but he is committed to seeing the good in the human race, hence he returns to loving and giving and trusting and I’m just in constant awe of how he just keeps putting himself out there. This is the type of God fearing I respect and accept, I bother not of the logistics of derived spirituality that we have been conditioned to be on the look out for.

    • Las

      June 12, 2018 at 8:39 am

      @BlueEyed – I am grateful for the love and light you have in your life. I am inspired by your words and I hope we can all continue to share and spread the love of God at home and abroad.

  12. Chynwa

    June 11, 2018 at 2:33 pm

    Dear Atoke, I’ve missed you on BN! now, lemme goan read

  13. Late bloomer

    June 11, 2018 at 2:40 pm

    Oh how I always love Atoke’s banter. I think the problem is that our mothers wanted us to have God fearing husbands but some of them didn’t raise God fearing men, hence it’s a small pool of God fearing men. However, I’m sure there are but how do you define God fearing is the issue because there are different versions out there.

  14. memebaby

    June 11, 2018 at 3:42 pm

    where are the educated God fearing men in Toronto or Ontario age 29 and above ?!

  15. Bee

    June 11, 2018 at 3:53 pm

    Wooohoooo It’s the return of Atoke.

    With all the God fearing we throw around in naija, it is amazing how much hate we have in our country. Naija pple that are convinced spirituality is about marking register in church or mosque.

    Abeg give me a man with a kind heart, a forgiving soul and one who protects his peace of mind always . We will figure out this thing called married life together and be sane while doing it.

  16. laolu

    June 11, 2018 at 4:39 pm

    I read this article thinking she’s about to bash us again.. but you are right, men are often unconcerned and quite unprepared to lead the home spiritually, I think we have become so big on money that it seems to be all that matters when it comes to the home and sadly, women seem to be enablers in this problem from mothers to aunties and girlfriends…sigh!

  17. Sue Smith

    June 11, 2018 at 4:44 pm

    God fearing men are hard to find. But one must take time to find them. I believe it is the job of both parents to raise God fearing children.

  18. Cocoa

    June 11, 2018 at 4:54 pm

    “Personally, I’d be very happy with a partner who does not come with the God-fearing title; as long as they come with certain positive life values and ethos, I’m good.”

    Atoke, reading this final statement broke my heart for you. You want to comprimise and settle for a “good guy ” rather than…… GODLY MAN?

    The devil is already whispering into your ears. You better rebuke him. That staement basically says if it comes down to OBEYING YOUR CREATOR or getting a guy….you’d pick a guy.

    Why do you want trouble? History keeps repeating itself yet people arent learning the lessons. .You dont have to make the mistake yourself…generations before you have made it…why not learn from them.

    Everything God says is for OUR GOOD. He said do not be UNEQUALLY YOKED and youree saying youll be “good” with less than God’s BEST for you. Why?????

    • Atoke

      Atoke

      June 11, 2018 at 5:27 pm

      Lol @ the devil is whispering in my ear. This is funny.

      Thanks for reading and leaving a comment.

    • iHeart

      June 11, 2018 at 6:50 pm

      Atoke. Ignore the joker above. I’m sure you will anyway.

      My husband does not subscribe to conventional religion even though he grew up catholic. He believes that there is a God but that he can commune with him directly. He sees his work and relationships with others as service to God, he refers to him as a “servant of God” – that’s his own religion.

      When we were getting married a lot of friends and family were concerned but he gave me peace like you cannot imagine, so I went ahead!

      We’ve been married almost 6 years now, all those first year marriage troubles – we never ever experienced them. He makes me so happy and keeps working at making our home happy everyday. He’s not perfect but his imperfections are perfect for me – though he’s no bible thumper. I’m no perfect piece myself but we show up each day for one another and are jointly committed to raising our kids right. He’s an amazing dad.

      I even tease my parents like “aren’t they happy that I’ve never had to call them for one day since I married him about any issue” like never ever.

      I take the kids to church and there’s no issue there.

      So Atoke, when you see the person you’ll know. You’ll have the peace and conviction in your heart.

    • Engoz

      June 11, 2018 at 8:24 pm

      iHeart, you took the words out of my mouth. Didn’t want to post, but just had to.

      Typical Nigerian lingo irritates me anyway. “Virtuous woman, praying wife, God fearing..lmao”. We tend to over-spiritualize the most basic things in life. For me, it was more like boy likes girl, girl likes boy, relationship then marriage. I did not do ‘pre-marital counselling’ session in church. Only had one discussion with the pastor (out of respect) and husband and he prayed for us, lmao. I did not do church wedding either. There was no first, second etc year wahala rubbish they talk about. I have written here before MARRIAGE IS NOT HARD. It’s either you are married to your enemy or you are the enemy in the marriage, if it’s hard. We are both Christians and we go to Sunday church together.

      If a marriage ‘working’ is about who reads their bible and can quote scriptures, we won’t be seeing pastors divorcing, and people who don’t profess to be religious having successful marriages. Don’t get it twisted that some guy who is a fire breathing prayer warrior will ‘sustain the marriage’. Get the BASIC things right. Is he from a decent background? You must have no doubt in your mind he loves you. PEACE OF MIND, peace, can’t reiterate it enough, peace of mind is very critical. In order to know someone’s views leave bible talks and bring up topics and argue between yourself.

      Didn’t have to kiss frogs, just used good ole’ common sense.
      And I credit my common sense to God. I don’t need to spiritualize stuff to make good decisions. Thank you Jesus!

      @Atoke
      “if a man is supposed to be the head of the home, why is the woman responsible for the faith drive of the family?”

      I have been shouting this for eternity. This article is long overdue. Many Christian girls don’t realize the hypocrisy and contradiction in the Nigerian church. Naija men know the submission part of the Bible but will want to ‘test drive’, lmao. Christian girls better wake up and stop putting unnecessary pressure on themselves.

    • Cocoa

      June 12, 2018 at 9:01 am

      “I take the kids to church and theres no issue there”

      This is so confusing.

      The Bible shows us Gods plan. Godly COMMUNITY is part of that plan. You cant isolate yourself in this walk. It cant be you and God alone…that isnt Gods plan. If it was He wouldnt have told us to not neglect our meeting together. He continiusly talks about COMMUNITY IN CHRIST. Calling us HIS BODY. Telling us the HEAD needs the NECK, needs the LIMBS etc. Together we are ONE.

      You cant decide to love God and not love His BODY ( the CHURCH)

    • Cocoa

      June 12, 2018 at 8:44 am

      Thanks for replying. And please dont settle. TRUST GOD.

      All the best!

    • Jummy

      June 11, 2018 at 6:10 pm

      I agree Cocoa, but chill with the fire and brimstone tone maybe? Lol

      Seriously though, being good isn’t enough. The human mind can never be truly good until it discovers and embraces God. The Christian God.

    • maitamagirl

      June 12, 2018 at 2:39 am

      @Jummy…are you smoking crack? Only the christian god is capable of making people good. If that was the case, there would be no beggars on the streets of Lagos without lots of food and clothes. A good, decent human being is more than enough. Your christian god does not pass my test of good morals. Have you read the bible?? Do you know it condones slavery, rape, murder, misogyny, genocide?? A woman can br raped and as long as 50 shekels of silver is paid to her father, it’s all good. WTF?? Your christian god is a human creation and has as many human evil traits as you can think of.

    • Cocoa

      June 12, 2018 at 8:47 am

      My dear….it IS a matter of LIFE and DEATH!! If you ask me ill say my tone isnt even serious enough.

      Stay blessed sister. May your faith continue to grow from strength to strength, AMEN.

  19. Deleke

    June 11, 2018 at 4:57 pm

    I lead my home spiritually and prayerfully, lead the prayers day and night, even have to tap dear wife few times when praying (poor thing too dey sleep lol), text her reminders to connect to prayer lines when I am away and help her prepare for her prayer warrior meetings. I am not a prayer warrior in my church solely because I do not trust all of them there, so I do my prayer warring at home with my wife and 2 boys and them little cats see me and shout Fire Fire Fire, so would anyone say I am not God-fearing???

    • Delta

      June 11, 2018 at 6:15 pm

      God bless you.

    • Manny

      June 13, 2018 at 3:09 am

      Having a prayer schedule is not God-fearing.
      You might be and you might not be. We can’t conclude simply from the traits you listed above.

  20. Ajala & Foodie

    June 11, 2018 at 7:50 pm

    Are there God fearing men? YES!!! Cause I am married to one. However, more and more these days I am beginning to wonder if my partner is the exception rather than the norm. This past week my mum who is visiting told me that men like my spouse make up about 0.5% of the male population in Nigeria, i.e making him the exception. I do have to agree with your mum that a man that genuinely loves God while he will not be perfect will not only be the spiritual head of the home but we have the other 7 points you noted. While my spouse is farrrr from perfect that he is the spiritual head is not in doubt. My husband is more of a prayer warrior than I am, he is the one that leads by becoming active in Church first so i am persuaded to follow suit. So do this God fearing men exist? Yes they do. Nevertheless, one of the things I sought and prayed for while looking for a partner was a man who would be the spiritual head not just a figure head or financial head of our home. Infact, being the financial head was not key for me.

  21. Bowl

    June 11, 2018 at 8:17 pm

    Deleke , Sia and young lady thank you for the ‘ fun’ comments.
    I think the paucity of God fearing men is caused. by the preferential spiritual and economic empowerment of the female child by our parents. Spiritual/ religious expectations by the society are also high on the part of women . A lot of slack is cut for the male child during grooming.
    A lot of adult Nigerian men are ill behaved and lack spiritual manners. After all the bad market is for the woman : so why should they come being very spiritually and otherwise qualified for the marriage sef ! Most of the expectations are on the side of the woman .
    On the account of the above points , we owe it to this generation to raise our sons well ( better than our mothers and fathers raised our brothers )
    As women aspiring to run families, we owe it to ourselves , to insist that our would be husbands meet the qualifications to be our heads and heads of our households or there will be no marriage. The church has its own role to play too!
    So if a woman wants a godly home but marries a clown , then she shortchanged herself with her own hands.
    There are godly men if you insist!

    • Elle

      June 11, 2018 at 8:58 pm

      Wow. Why did I always think Bowl was a guy?!

    • Mz Socially Awkward...

      June 11, 2018 at 11:55 pm

      @Elle, exactly. Why did I always think this handle belonged to a man?

  22. gbaskelebo

    June 11, 2018 at 8:18 pm

    This is really true and far from the usual equality crap… there is a lot of reason here and its truly stirring my thought, this is like preaching to the guys with respect to a “balanced expectation” you do not expect that (sexual purity and stuff ) and can’t be that (God-fearing) yeah… I can totally relate with this, I for one fall “so short” of this expectation, my moral motto has always been “if it is done in the interest of God and man you can never be wrong”. every other thing goes! I believe it is time to change this. Thumbs up Atoke!

  23. Lovely

    June 11, 2018 at 8:55 pm

    Hahahahahaha, Jummy is still in love with him na. No covetousness please. @ Jummy, if what you say about him is true, you guys need to work towards getting back together. Nothing as wonderful as someone who pulls you towards God.
    My bf don’t know if I should now refer to him as an ex cause we are on a long break right now, He was like yours but was shocked when half his female church members were getting pregnant for their male counterparts even those he looked up to, this threw him off balance. and he hasnt regained his grip since then (this happened a while back by the way but I guess it still hunts him because of how dedicated he was that he even flunked school) he was an A student by the way. I guess my thing about this would be look for someone who loves the lord genuinely they might have their flaws but their strength can be renewed by your own commitment to God Man/Woman most of us use the term Love loosely, the truth is by Gods standard, love means total humility which may make you seem like a fool. You can’t expect something you are not willing to give if we can all live by Galatians 5: 22 and 1 cor 13 4:8 we will be alright. I am the first to admit how difficult this is, but for Grace it is almost impossible.

  24. aare farmland

    June 11, 2018 at 9:13 pm

    They should be at select fellowships bringing food baskets for children picnics or leading fun activities of a Christian group.

  25. Truth

    June 12, 2018 at 1:07 am

    As long as you are not one of those men that gets wifey to believe that they are married to a perfect man when in reverse you do all levels of cheating. IJS

  26. Adenike

    June 12, 2018 at 10:28 am

    Very valid points Atoke…but I can’t help but wonder when women say they can’t find nice, morally upstanding, God-fearing guys, I have to ask “Did you ignore the nice guy because he wasn’t too ‘bad-guyish’?”. I have always had this mentality that I’d rather be with Fat Albert than Six-pack Bobo that cannot treat me the way I know I should and deserve to be treated, and I guess that guided all my relationships.

    One thing I need women to understand is, physical attributes can be adjusted and a person can be groomed to a desirable level…before you misunderstand this, I don’t mean there shouldn’t be physical attraction and you should force things. However, we see these things and condone them…you already know you are settling even before you marry the person. So why cry wolf when marriage does not change him…as if marriage changes anybody?

    There are God-fearing men, you just need to know what relationships to take seriously and those to leave on the acquaintance level. You need to be very honest with yourself and what you want before marriage…he won’t be perfect just like you are not, but there are some criteria you know are important to you, which should not be compromised. If he lacks in the important (should-not-be-compromised) areas, then move on!

    I had a guy I liked for years (like even when I was in relationships, I secretly hoped we would work out) but then a time came where I weaned myself off him, and I’m glad I did because we would never have worked out.

    We need to rid ourselves of this “bad-boy” loving sickness. You can have the sickness when its just dating, but you need to get serious when its a lifetime commitment. Imagine being so used to bad behaviour that when the nice guy comes, you don’t know how to act. For example, when I met my husband, after a talk in his car, he wanted to come down to open the door for me, and guess what I said “is this the 1950s, abeg go jor?” As in, just imagine :)) But thank God we are where we are now….

    • Adenike

      June 12, 2018 at 10:32 am

      And in case you’re wondering, Le hubs is a fine, tall, well-built glass of chocolate! Halleluyah someborri!

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